


Misinterpretation

by XxPorcelainKnightXx



Category: Kingdom Hearts
Genre: Abuse, Anxiety, Child Abuse, Domestic Violence, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Familial Abuse, M/M, Non-Canonical Violence, Verbal Abuse, unintended substance abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-26
Updated: 2014-12-13
Packaged: 2017-12-21 10:47:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 46
Words: 300,023
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/899419
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/XxPorcelainKnightXx/pseuds/XxPorcelainKnightXx
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When people think of an unhealthy household, they think of it being dirty- not true.<br/>When people think of an abusive parent, they think of the father- not true.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Aspect of Pain

**Author's Note:**

> So, I know this sounds odd, but the inspiration for this was a cleaning products commercial. It said “A clean home is the sign of a happy home.” Then, well… this spawned from some random Pandora’s box. Lol well, enjoy.
> 
> None of this is beta'd, so feel free to point out any errors you may come across/any that stick out to you, I'd appreciate it.

Chapter I: The Aspect of Pain

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

What could I do but watch? I was selfish in that aspect- in the aspect of pain. She hit Sora again while he curled up into himself on the living room floor. “Roxas…!” He called to me, revealing to me his wide, teary blue eyes; overflowing seas. I felt awful, and sick. Even more so as I simply severed the small amount of closet space that had previously connected us that we both had been hiding in. I heard him whimper from the other side of the door and I heard her smack him again with her shoe. It must of really hurt seeing as it had a thick heel on it. At least it was his back and not his eye with a pointed stiletto. That hurt more, but that was still no excuse for my cowardice… The doctors thought I was going to be blind because of what she had done… She was yelling something at Sora, every other word or so was followed by a heavy, sickening thud- her shoe connecting with Sora’s body. I sunk to the floor and buried my face in my knees.

I heard Sora crying, and I kept hearing the same thuds that caused them. I heard him call my name, and the start of my silent cries because of them. If I were to go out and help him, I’d be hurt too, if not worse… I felt sick enough to vomit. If I had eaten lunch, I probably might of. I covered my ears with my hands and officially started silently sobbing for fear if she heard me, she’d replace Sora with me.

That day I silently vowed to never let our mother hurt Sora again.

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

That was nine years ago when we were seven. I still try my damndest to not let her hurt him. “Roxas!” He cried again, sounding exactly the same as that day, only with a deeper voice. It was the same because they both sounded desperate and helpless, but for different reasons. I hated that… “Stay!” I ordered him, putting my hand out to keep him in the doorway. Even if it never touched him, he still stayed. “The HELL, Roxas?! I thought I told you to give me your damn schedule’s the DAY you got them! You know we needed to make sure they were in order! They’re not, and now I have to stress getting them fixed!” She smacked the side of my face, making my neck whip my head to the side so fast and hard I thought it would snap. “I got them TODAY!” I retorted, feeling the anger in my chest seep out of my throat and into the air, the throbbing in my head getting worse with every swing she’d throw at me. It was never good to retort, but being in the same house with her for the entire vacation send me spiraling. Sora stood in the doorway, his backpack half off of his shoulder as he watched with wide, terrified eyes the scene before him. He must have been just as traumatized watching as I was getting hit. I mean, how would you feel, knowing the person that you shared womb space with was getting hit by the same person who pushed you out of their crotch? “LIAR!” She yelled at me and pushed my shoulders so hard I lost my balance and fell into the wall with my head. I used the small nightstand in between our beds to slowly lower myself to the floor. I saw Sora squeeze his eyes shut before my eyes rolled into my head and the sound of my skull possibly getting fractured registered in my brain. “We didn’t go to the appointment, so we didn’t get them until the first day of school.” I said, my eyes as well as my jaw squeezed together not helping the unrelenting stars I saw. We didn’t go because she had fractured my arm, making us cancel and end up in the hospital.

I felt my body swoon. I couldn’t pass out… I couldn’t… If I did, she’d interrogate Sora the way she was me, and I didn’t know if she was done yet… She glared at me, then huffed and turned on her heel and exited the room. Sora quickly side-stepped her and watched her leave. The second she was out of sight, he ran over to my side, his bag falling somewhere in the middle of our room. “Roxas! Are you okay?” I nodded, using his shoulder for leverage to stand up again. “Yeah…” He stared at me with big, worried eyes the entire time I slowly got myself to stand. “I’m fine.” I reassured him, giving him a smile. “If this keeps up, she’ll screw up my nerve endings so bad I won’t even feel it anymore.” I laughed. That only made his face pale, expression drop drastically, and his eyes well up. “S-Sora I’m kidding, I promise…” My humor slowly but surely got warped living in this house… He stared at the floor, gifting it with two small, silent water droplets. “I promise, okay?” He nodded, but didn’t look up at me. I held his face in both of my hands and forced him to look at me. “Sora…” I said. The same sad, watery, blue eyes he always had stared back at my identical ones, that had to constantly be dry for his sake: An ocean and a blue desert.  
“Come on.” I said, sitting him down on his pure white bed sheets that mirrored my bed that was across from his. It complimented our white walls and dull gray rug. I took the place next to him on the bed. “Why don’t you tell your big brother how your day was?”  
In all honesty, Sora was older than me by a few moments, but everyone said I acted older. He nodded. “Well… Riku has two of the same classes I do, and Kairi only has one- but she always has the same lunch as me.” He said, watching himself fiddle with his thumbs. I nodded. “Okay. What do you think of the teachers so far?” He was silent as his eyebrows knitted together as he thought of all of their faces and probably only remembered one name, if not something like Mrs. U or something.  
“…They’re nice…” He said. “I especially like my music teacher, Ms. Hikaru.” Of course they were. The school knew what was going on with us, so the least they could do was give us understanding teachers. I didn’t want that. I forced them to group me in with everyone else, but make sure Sora got the kindest teachers in the building. If they pitied me, I’d break, and if I broke… This poor fragile doll in front of me wouldn’t be able to function. “So, did you do anything interesting?” He shook his head. “No. Just the usual first day stuff…” He mumbled. “You?” He asked, finally looking up at me. I smiled at him.

“Same. Although, I think this one teacher I got is gonna be a real ass-hole.” I laughed. He just looked at me with worried eyes. I sighed and pulled him into a hug. He sat there limp. “…How do you expect me to keep trying my best when you won’t even give me a smile, huh?” He weakly hugged me back, wrapping his arms around my middle. “I’m sorry…” We sat there like that for a moment. I had a faint idea of what one of the many things Sora was thinking about could be. In public, people thought Sora was just spacy and an air-head, but I knew better. He had heavier topics weighing on his mind than the obvious lie about lunch. I was thinking about how warm and alive he felt and how grateful I was for him. He gave me a reason to be strong. If I had to be all by myself… If they couldn’t save him that day… I don’t know what I’d do… He was the foundation for my skyscraper about to crumble.

I pulled away from him with a quiet sigh and looked at him. “So you get any homework, ‘cuse I sure did.” Being a Junior sucked wicked ass.

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

We both sat in front of the TV in different spots of the living room. Sora laid the length of the couch, his knees loosely pulled up to him. I laid on my stomach on the floor, my work sprawled out in front of me. “So, what do you boys want for dinner? I’ll let you both pick because I know how hard it is for you two going back to school after that long summer of lazy days.” I looked up from my dreaded math homework at our currently kind mother. At first, I honestly thought she had one of three things- multiple personalities, schizophrenia, or a bi-polar disorder. After researching them- thank god for the teacher who said we could pick any psychological topic we wanted to do a report on- I realized that she was probably only bi-polar with very specific triggers. “I’m good with whatever Sora wants.” I always felt bad for him, so when it came to little things like this, I let him decide, that way he wouldn’t notice how I felt. He hummed to himself while staring at the ceiling. “Do we have stuff for tacos?” He asked. Mom opened the fridge and looked through it. “You’re in luck. The shells aren’t bad yet.” All three of us liked soft shells. Sora and I because they made less of a mess, and less of a mess meant easier to clean, and easier to clean meant it _got_ clean- meaning we didn’t get hurt.

She usually hurt us because things weren’t orderly or clean; It pissed her off. When she was being nice, she’d joke and say she had a severe obsessive-compulsive-disorder, aka, OCD. “Alright. Do you want to help me Sora?” I shot up. “I’m basically done with my homework. I’ll help. You relax Sora.” I didn’t want Sora being the klutz who dropped lettuce onto the floor, which would result in him quickly trying to reach down and pick it up, which would get him stepped on in the head or something of that manner. “Oh? What does “basically” mean?”  
“It means… I have everything but less than half of my math done…” I said, giving her a sheepish look, my hands in my pockets. I was honestly good at it, I just didn’t like it. Besides, it was the first day, so it was basic review. It was straightforward and usually had a definite answer, which I liked. If only life was like that… She gave me a look only a mother could produce, but nodded. “Why don’t you aim for half while I start the meat. Just make sure you get it done.” I nodded. “I will.” Yeah, ‘cuse if I didn’t she’d beat my ass…  
In give or take ten minutes of dawdling and not actually doing it, and glancing between her and Sora for various reasons, I finally got up.

I rolled up the sleeves of my uniform and went over to the sink to wash my hands. My hands felt sore from the beating she gave them a week ago… I silently prayed that I didn’t fuck anything up. “Do you think you can handle chopping the lettuce and tomato’s?” She joked. Some part about it made us all know she wasn’t. I nodded. “Yup.” I was lucky, though. She just gave me the more or less easy job. I glanced over and looked at Sora. He hadn’t moved from his spot on the couch, but he was watching me worse than an otaku to their favorite anime during a character death scene. He was worried…

Don’t worry, Sora. I promise I won’t mess anything up... I got out the cutting bored and knife. I washed both of the appointed vegetables to get sliced, and set them to the side on the counter way in the back so they wouldn’t fall. I put the lettuce on the board and started cutting it. Evenly, and carefully, sure to watch where everything was as I continued. While I did that, I heard the searing sound of mom shuffled the meat around in the pan. Our oven heated quickly, which was to be feared in the house. The part of my arm that had fallen on it for support knew that…  
I cut the tomatoes, the color reminding me of the one time Sora got smacked in the face so hard his nose bleed. I shook my head and cut the debated fruit-vegetable. I shouldn’t think on things like that… The sad part was, I shouldn’t even have memories like that… Nor should Sora… If anything, I’d do absolutely anything to get him out of this hell hole we both had to call home. It’d be a blessing if we could both just forget about this and have normal lives like everyone else…

I heard our mother start to hum a random song that was probably stuck in her head, my knife making its own rhythmic motion against the board. I’ve actually thought about various ways to kill my mother while doing dishes or things like this. The thoughts usually came to me when I stumbled upon a steak knife in need of cleaning or use. The only thing that stopped me was the thought of the aftermath. No, not the jail time, or what everyone else would think, I could deal with that. What always stopped me was the thought of Sora coming in and seeing what I had done, or his face when he found out what I had done from being told by me, yet alone someone else, or the agony on his face if I got the death sentence. Thoughts like that stopped me- Nothing else.

I chopped the green off of the top of the last tomato. “Ah! Roxas, put the strainer in the sink will you?” Mom asked quickly, the pan in between her two gloved hands. I nodded and walked over to her and reached over her shoulder to the counter and grabbed it. “Roxas- Roxas watch it-!”

The clatter.

That’s what made me die mentally once more, the sore and painful feeling in my hands returned. I had knocked her elbow, which had made her drop the pot. It didn’t get her because she jumped back in time, but still…  
“…Roxas…” She said, her expression almost looking dead as she stared at the mess, her brown bangs resembling Sora’s color shading her face in a way that I had seen more than once. I ran over and grabbed the cleaning sponge. We had two sponges- one for cleaning, one for dishes. Screw it up, you get screwed up. I’ve had to cover for Sora on several occasions because of it… “I-I’m sorry…” I couldn’t even bare to look at Sora right now. I knew what his expression would be… “Um, Sora, can you run upstairs and grab the mop out of the bathroom upstairs?” A confused look graced his face as I realized I was so nervous I used the word “Upstairs” twice. “But it’s-”  
“Please?” I asked, quickly swiping the meat as well as the oil that it had produced up into a pile. We both knew it was in the downstairs bathroom. He none the less got up and ran upstairs. “…Roxas, you _do_ know that that’s all the ground-beef we had left until next week when I got my pay check… right?” Oh, shit… I felt my eyes widen as they shadowed any light in them. My breathing became shallow and my cleaning more rapid, the feeling of her towering over me terrifying me. She crouched down towards me and stared at my face. I didn’t want to look at her… I was too scared- I’m not afraid to admit that. Most guys think that by getting into fights or getting hurt makes them tough as nails- That’s a load of bullshit. They can take a break from that when they wanted. This… I can never take a break or slip up, or… “Roxas…” She said, her voice monotone. This was the calm before the storm.

I stopped picking up and slowly and regretfully looked up at her. “Unless you can pull ground-beef out of your ass or munny for some, you’re in some deep shit right now.” I felt my chest get tight, all of my previous scars start to burn, making my entire body feel like it was on fire. “…Well can you?” She asked, neither of us moving.

“U-Um, I can.” Sora said, meekly from the staircase. Mom looked up at Sora with a warm smile. “I’m sorry you have to waste your munny like that, sweetheart. This little DIPSHIT here,” She said, grabbing my hair and using it to slam my head into the tiled floor. I could feel the vibrations so badly, I could actually hear them. This isn’t the first time I’ve felt pain so bad I could hear it. It hurt so bad I had to close my eyes for a second before peeping one eye open to look at Sora. He had an unreadable look on his face, but I saw him shaking. I wonder which was harder, being me and smiling, or being Sora and smiling…? “Is going to pay you back, and finish cleaning up, okay?” She said, finishing her sentence. Sora nodded. “So, if you give it to me, I’ll go RUN to the STORE quick and go buy us some more, okay?” The words with emphasis were a queue that she lovingly let my face meet with the floor. I felt a familiar warmth leak out of my nose that smelled like metal.  
Sora nodded again, shaking so bad he looked as though he was going to pass out. I heard him quickly run upstairs. The second he was out of ear shot, she crouched down by my ear. “If he asks, you aren’t hungry, got it?” She said, her voice as hard and cold as the tiles. That meant I wasn’t going to be eating as punishment. I nodded and she gave me a warm smile. “Good. Up. Your bloody nose is dirtying my floor- which I just bleached on my hands and knees yesterday.” She said, pushing her hand from my hair in a final “up yours” motion.  
I sat up and looked at the small puddle. “…I’ll clean it up…” She brushed herself off and nodded. “Oh, I know you will. Then you’re going to go to your damned room.” I stood up as well to get the sponge feeling dizzy but ignoring it, and while I was at it, leave the room- if only for a second- to get the mop. Thinking about it twice though, that probably wasn’t smart because it would just result in a bloody mop and spreading the mess around. A sponge would need to get thrown out so… Paper towels.  
She had her back to me and was humming again. I wiped my nose with my finger and sniffed, trying to get rid of the blood. I bent over to pick up the sponge, and standing back up was a terrible mistake. Not the worst one I’ve made, but a bad one. She whipped around and elbowed me in the stomach, causing me to feel the bile rise up into my throat as well as her song to stop. I kneeled over and dropped the sponge so I could clutch my stomach.  
“Do you know what it’s like to have bleach eat away at your hands because of how much you had to use to clean? Do you Roxas?” I shook my head and gasped for air, the pain temporarily causing my body to stop all functions. “Do you know what it’s like to be around it so much you feel like your fucking drinking it without being hurt? Do you Roxas, because I can show you.” I shook my head again and gasped for air like a fish out of water. It was an odd concept if you think about it, because all they do is take the oxygen out of the water, so, how is it that when it’s just air it can kill them? I still couldn’t function properly, but I knew she was pissed I had bled on her floor. “No really I insist. Let me fucking show you.” She whipped open the cleaning cupboard under the sink, causing it to bang into its mirror, and pulled out the bleach. I’m letting you know now, If my mind wasn’t always on Sora, I would or ran. I didn’t want to die because my psycho of a mother made me dine on the most common finest cleaning product for dinner instead of air-tacos. She uncapped the top. “Here, I fucking insist you little piece of shit.” She offered it to me forcefully, causing some of it to splash up onto my cheek. I fell backwards onto my knees shaking my head. “You fucking sure, because I can show you, you know.” She said offering it to me again.

I heard Sora coming downstairs.

Something about that made me want to take it and chug it. Something inside me was begging to reach out and take the sweet, but dire liquid and drink it like foul tasting water. Something was begging me, “Stop it- just stop it… If you just swig it, taste it, you can stop it… just stop it, stop it,… It hurts to much. Forget about Sora. Just long enough to lick the rim. Just a little lick, a smidgen of a taste…” I shook my head again. “I’ll clean it I swear.” I choked, my body still not working how I wanted it to. She offered it to me again, one last final push on my will. I shook my head again. She scoffed at me, called me a “pussy-ass-bitch”, then capped it and put it away. “Okay, Sora.” She said, coming up from the cupboard with a smile on her face.  
By that time, he was at the bottom of the stairs and had probably only seen her pull it away from me and put it away. “Let me see, honey. He’ll pay you back, I’ll make sure of it.” He just nodded, handing it over to her while looking at me. “Oh, he’s fine. Don’t worry.” She said, kindly patting his head. I had an envisionment of her turning into a monster- not to say she wasn’t one now- with large claws and crushing Sora’s head without even trying. I almost vomited thinking about it. The blood and gore, his decapitated body falling over, and the sound of his mashed and mangled skull then on the floor…  
She took out about as much as she needed, quick pecked him on the cheek, put her shoes on and left. Sora waited until he heard the car pull away before he jumped to my side. “Roxas!” I waved him off. “No biggie… I just,” I wiped the bleach from my cheek that had started to burn and stood up, my knees shaking from pain and fear. I almost fell over, but Sora caught me, his hand gently touching my chest, probably still weary of the scar there…

“I just… Need to clean up the mess before she gets back…” Sora’s eyes were so wide, I feared they would pop out of his head and roll under the fridge like large marbles, never to be seen again. “I’m fine.” I said, the bile that remained in my throat making it sound horse. I cleared it and repeated myself for better lack of comfort. “I’m fine.” He still gave me a worried look. I looked at his worried eyes and felt guilt for trying to reassure him of a lie. “…What do you want me to say, huh…?” I asked, my voice barely above a whisper. I was staring at the floor in order to avoid eye contact, my bangs blocking him from my eyes. He didn’t move for a minute, then shook his head. “I don’t know…” He choked. I sighed and pulled him to a hug. I’ll admit it hurt, but not as much as just letting him cry by himself. It reminded me too much of all of the times I had abandoned him… He gently pushed me away, my shirt a little wet from him starting to cry. “I’m sorry… I don’t want you to get in trouble because your comforting me…” I sighed and gently kissed his forehead. “Well then go get me the mop? And it’s downstairs by the way.” He laughed weakly at me, then walked way to get it, wiping his tears.

I winced and held my stomach for a second, hauling ass over the sink to hovering over it for fear of vomiting as I felt like I was going to fall over.  
・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

I sat on my bed in our room in the dark, my back against the wall, my ipod on with the earbuds in, but it was on quietly, just in case. My stomach reminded me that it wanted food, but I ignored it’s selfishness- especially since the growl made it hurt from the elbowing Mom gave me. Damn it, wasn’t it used to eating poorly already? I either missed meals for some reason or another, wasn’t feed, or was just so disgusted with myself or depressed or in so much pain I didn’t eat. Damn right I was probably malnourished. And no- I didn’t waste my munny on grabbing a bite to eat when I was hungry when I could. I saved it for when we were late to school and I knew Sora didn’t have anything to eat, or if I knew we were going to get back home late so we would have had to catch the bus or something, or if he forgot something for lunch, or his own munny for a ticket or something. Because of that, I knew Sora was going to tell her I paid him back, even if I never actually gave him any munny.  
The guitars queued the singer in my ears, who decided to play a song that I didn’t want to hear, but couldn’t bear to change… I don’t know why I tortured myself like that… It was enough that my mother did it for me, but to do it to myself…  
I mouthed the lyrics, which I knew would make my eyes well.  
“…So dance around the crashes just to survive, to survive…  
Cuse these wounds will hide and blood will dry, but baby we’re still alive tonight…  
I don’t want to fade away like the songs in sad stories…  
Something to lose…”  
Something deathly precious to lose that I couldn’t bare without… I could deal with it all as long as he was there… The precious thing that kept me going…  
Without him, I would probably kill someone- my mother or myself was the question. I could deal with sleeping outside in mid-winter with no coat, or eating disgusting, live cockroaches because they were supposedly my fault for not cleaning properly- all of it, as long as he was there to sneak me a coat when she wasn’t looking, and have the trash can ready.

I didn’t listen to the group that often, but they had a couple of songs that struck a chord with me… And I’ll be damned it I wasn’t allowed to put this on loop and cry like a little baby before he finished dinner and came up to go to bed. Thing is though- I wouldn’t, because if I cried too much, Sora would notice and worry, and I didn’t like doing that to him. I let myself limp over to my side, the room remaining the same to give itself a tipped look while wincing because I forgot how much my stomach hurt within less than five minutes of allowing it to numb. “Ugh…” I groaned quietly. Life sucks ass. Why were psycho’s like my mother permitted to have children, yet alone treat them like that? I closed my eyes and thought about what life would be without that mess of a woman. Not another mother, no, just… Her without all of her insanity. If she was always smiling- minus the occasional thing- warm and kind… I turned over on my back and stared at the ceiling.  
I don’t know what in the hell my father saw in her…  
Maybe something saner once upon a time. I sighed, trying to not really paying attention to the song, but the fact that it was playing was a comfort in itself.  
“Take my hands and please keep me from disappointing words…” It was a new song. Ugh… yeah, like getting called a… yeah let’s just say censor, censor, censor-y, censored. The song was bouncy considering the lyrics, although, the guys accent was really thick, so it was hard to make out what he was really saying. My English was bad enough, I didn’t need this song without lyrics on my ipod, yet it remained, and even if I could find the lyrics, I’d probably still sing it the way I heard it.  
“…Take me where damn nails can’t hold me freely anymore.  
My hands are sick and tired from reaching out-  
However we’ll get in there, so don’t get angrier at me.  
Wings out, you are leaving right now.”  
Songs like this pissed me off and gave me hope at the same time. Just a little small extension of my hand, and someone might grab on and yank me out of the shit I was wading in. Thing is though, it isn’t that easy. Say the first part was, just for pretend in fucking-fairy-land. You still have to clean yourself off of all of the shit, and try to get rid of the smell. You have to learn to stand without the pressure or weight without being abnormal, and because I’ve been used to it for so long, who’s to say I wouldn’t just jump back in it out of habit or insecurity or what-not?

I heard footsteps coming up the stairs. I clicked off my ipod and shoved it under my pillow, ripping out my earbuds which just as quickly followed. The door opened, just a bit, and revealed a dim overflow of light and the silhouette it gently clung to. “…Roxas? You still awake?” It asked shyly. I sat up. “Yeah.” It sighed, probably worried it might of woken me. He gently shut the door behind him, never turning back around towards it to do so. He then quickly walked over to me and revealed something from inside of his shirt. “Here.” I smelled a warm roll with butter possibly dripping off of it once upon a time, now probably all over him. I couldn’t help but crack a smile. “I love you, you know that?” He laughed quietly and nodded. “Love you too, Roxas.” I hugged him, he moved the bread out of the way and gently hugged me back, then handed it to me as I pulled away and got up to change. I calmly ate it in spite of my stomach reminding me to hurry the fluffer-nutter up. Yeah that’s right. I just said “Fluffer-nutter”.

Sora finished changing, and I was still calmly munching, my free hand holding my ankle up on the bed. Sora had on just a regular pair of red shorts and a white tank on. He walked over to my bed and sat down. It was quiet, then he laid down on it, his head leaning on the wall- or more or less slouched anyways, not necessarily laying down. He looked over at me and just stared. “…Hey, Roxas?” I was still chewing. “Hm?” I watched him fiddle with his thumbs a bit in the dark. “…D…Do you think I’m a nuisance?” I choked on my food. He quickly sat up and rubbed my back. Once I recovered, I almost strangled him. “Sora- you- OUU!” He shrunk back into the wall. “Where in the hell would you get that idea?!” Yelling at him made my throat hurt and the possibility of her coming to see if I had died yet or not… Still. His mouth stumbled for words while his eyes glanced nervously around the room. I sighed and took his hands in mine. “Sora, you mean the _world_ to me. I’d say I’d die for you but then you’d just be left all alone. If I ever did anything to _ever_ make you feel like that,” I pulled him into a hug. “I’m sorry, okay?” He just sat there for a second, processing, then nodded and hugged me back. “…I’m sorry for asking you something like that… I just…”  
“Did she say something to you?” He quickly shook his head. “N-no…” Truth. “Did someone else say something to you?” A brief pause. “No…” Lie. I squeezed him tight. “Who said what, ‘cuse I’ll kick their ass.” He shook his head. “Sora…” I pulled him away to get a better look at him. “Please?” He glanced over to the side. “…Just promise you won’t try to seriously kill them?” He never said I still couldn’t try to hurt ‘em… I nodded.  
“Well, I had gym and all, and um, I got hit in the nose with the ball, and it made my eyes well, then, he said that I was a useless crybaby that was just dragging the game down and all of his friends laughed at me.” Damn. I hated when Sora was smart: He didn’t mention any names. That or he just didn’t know or forgot. “I want a name by the end of the week.” I told him. I just realized he was more or less kneeling in between my thighs. If mom were to see this, she probably would of beat my ass and lectured me on incest. I don’t like Sora like that, it’s just, we’ve always been so close to one another, I sometimes feel like we’re the same person, so I was fine with it.  
“N-No it’s fine! Riku took care of it. He almost got suspended on the first day because of me…” People saying things like that to him, and overprotective people like me and Riku… That’s probably why he thinks about things like that… I’m just… “…Well I’m glad you at least talked to me about it.” Sora nodded. He didn’t have to. He could of just kept it all to himself since it was already handled. I stared at him for a second, then yawned and pulled him into a laying position onto my bed with me. I put my chin on his head, closed my eyes and sighed. He looked up at me for a second, then more or less nuzzled into my chest to get comfortable.

After a second of silence, I remembered my ipod and pulled it out from under my pillow. I found something calm to listen to and popped them in. I felt Sora take the other one from me and listen. It was quiet, and I figured we were probably both going to pass out in my bed.  
“…You have lots of instrumentals like this on your ipod don’t you?” I nodded. “Un.”  
“You also have music tomorrow, right?” He asked quietly. I nodded again. He was quiet for a moment. “If you’ve got Ms. Hikaru, you’ll be able to do her project really easily.” I tipped my head to get a better look at him. “She’s giving out assignments already?” Sora nodded. “Yeah, but they’re not due until the end of the marking period.” Oh. That means it must have been a really long project and that there were three more of them… Great…

It was quiet again. “…Roxas…?” I chuckled. He was going to keep us up all night, I swear. “S-Sorry… I just wanted to say goodnight.” I ruffled his hair. “G’night, Sora.”

Downstairs I heard mom bitching to herself about her floor smelled like bleach and blood.

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

I had Ms. Hikaru as my music teacher. She was pretty, and not that old, with short black hair and piercing dark brown eyes. “Oh! Your Sora’s brother! He mentioned you.” She said, a smile on her face directed at me. Everyone snickered as I sunk down into my seat. Of course he would, he was Sora. He never shut up and me or Riku or Kairi. We were his whole damn world. Everyone knew that, and some people felt like Sora and I were _too_ close. Some even joked that “brother” was a cover up so I could have my girlfriend live with me, but it was only a joke. Even if you had never meet us before, we looked almost identical. “Well, I’m glad to have you in my class Roxas. Okay, next on the attendance is Olette…” I tuned her out. She was nice yeah, but she came off as guidance counselor nice. I didn’t exactly like it, and I could tell she had already taken a liking to me…  
Once she was done with attendance, she asked us to all stand up. “Okay. I want you to take an index card and name your favorite music artist, band, producer, songwriter, whatever,” She said, passing out the index cards. “But you need to write which of those they are, and you can only use one. I’ll tell you what to do after that.” I raised my hand. “Yes, Roxas?”  
“Say we don’t really have one in particular.” She raised her eyebrow at me. “Oh, come on. Surely you’ve got one you listen to all of the time.” I shook my head. “Not really. It varies.”  
“Well then, your favorite song, or something. I did say whatever.” I mentally groaned and sighed simultaneously. I liked music yeah, but I wasn’t super in depth with what I listened to. Half of the time, I didn’t even know the name of the song! Um, le’see..

“Okay, everyone done? Stand up and hold your cards so I can see them.” I held mine up lazily, so it was crooked, but it was more out of embarrassment than anything. She skimmed over our cards and stopped to smile at mine. “Me too.” She said, and continued. “Yoko Shimomura; composer, pianist”. I checked my ipod, and I realized I had a lot of her crap on there, especially stuff with piano. “Okay, everyone, group yourselves into things like “Artist, producer, what instrument they play”, etcetera, okay?”  
“If we have more than one under that?” A girl with light brown hair split directly down the middle and sitting on her shoulders asked, with the rest of it sticking out everywhere as if to insult the part. “Go by the board, okay, Olette?” The girl nodded. I walked over to the board with the girl called Olette. “Who do you have?” She asked quizzically. I showed her my card, no verbal reply. “…Huh. Never her of ‘em. I picked Bach. I just love cello!” I nodded. God, was this girl student council pep or what?  
“So, are you decided on what you want to do for after school activates.” I shrugged. “Not yet, although I always do something.” I was tired of sports and sucked at music- ruling out a shitload of stuff. Besides, with how little I eat and with my blood constantly used to paint our house, it just wouldn’t be good for me physically. “Oh. Well I’m planning to do either the school newspaper or year-book- maybe both!” She laughed. I nodded. “…I’m sorry, I’m being me again aren’t I?” I just stared at her, a bit confused. “You know- annoying.” I couldn’t help but give her a sheepish smile. “Kinda… I mean, it wouldn’t really bother me if I knew you, but…” Her hand flew in front of her mouth. “Oh, I’m sorry! I’m Olette.” I nodded. “Roxas, but, I’m sure you already got that.” I said, glancing over at the teacher. She giggled and nodded.

I had my back to the door, so I didn’t see the late guy come in, nor hear it because the door wasn’t obnoxious like most school doors. “And you are…?” I conversed with Olette while the unknown to me person signed in and caught up to where we were so far with the teacher. I only noticed him once he was directly next to me and because he was so tall; My eye level reached only his chest. I stopped mid-conversation with Olette to look over at me. “Yo.” He said, waving to fingers in a salute motion towards me. “How’s it goin’?” I just nodded at the odd character before me. His voice screamed cocky, and his hair was obnoxiously red and spiked outwards as if to look like it had caught on fire. He was so tall my neck hurt looking up at him, and he was skinny, but not in, “Hello, I’m anorexic, how are you fat fuck?” Skinny. Just like if someone’s worked off all of the fat on their body and is in the stage right before gaining muscle.  
“Hi.” Olette said politely and waved back. He flashed her a smile. “So, names- You guys happen to have any or is it just me?” She giggled, I didn’t find him funny. “Yeah. I’m Olette and this is-”  
“It’s rude to ask someone else before introducing yourself, you know.” I lectured. In all honesty, I just didn’t want him to know my name at the moment, and I didn’t like it when people introduced me. Something about it bothered me. It made me feel like I had no right to say my own name…

“Oh, sorry. Name’s Axel. A-X-E-L, got it?” He asked, tapping the side of his head. “That’s easy enough to remember- seeing as it’s sounds like a dog’s name.”  
“Tsch, ouch. What snake crawled up your ass and bit it?” Olette made a disapproving face, but this time I found that funny. “Hey, it’s better than the tree I usually got shoved up it.” He gawffed and laughed. “Damn, and I thought sticks were bad.” I grinned, but shrugged. “Yeah, well… My point.” I was kind of glad he got the joke. “Well why don’t you tell us who you picked, Axel.” Olette said, crossing her arms and obviously trying to get us out of our crude conversation as fast as possible in order to join it. He held up his card, which read: “Kaoru Wada: music arranger, conductor, music orchestrator, and pianist.”  
“Cool. Your guy’s worked with my girl.” I said, showing him my card. “He~ey, they have.” He said, crouching down in order to get an eye level look at it. “Guess if we’re doing partners based off of this stuff, you’re my guy then.” Olette was being left out. I shook my head. “Not unless somebody else comes over here because Olette would have to fly solo.” He looked over at her. “Oh, yeah. Well, three’s a good number, isn’t it?” I scoffed. “Yeah, if you add ten.” He stood up. “Hey, my favorite number aside from eight.” I raised an eyebrow. “Why eight?”

Ms. Hikaru clapped her hands together. “Okay! Alphabetize yourselves by what your person is, A starting at the top row. For example, producers come after composers. For my little odd ball group over there, you can pick where you’d like to sit.” Axel tugged at my wrist and hauled me into a corner of the room in the back. “You don’t mind, right?” I shrugged. “I usually sit in spots like this anyways.” He sat down next to me and lounged in his chair. “Nice.”

For the rest of the class, Ms. Hikaru talked about stuff that related to music, calling on people at random to explain their person or something or other.

Axel and I passed notes like girls the entire time and it was actually kinda fun.

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

The bell rang and I got up and grabbed my stuff. I told Sora after first block that I would walk him to his class, seeing as it was by mine. I swear to god I hated global just as much as music. I was almost the first person out the door, but then an arm stopped mine. “Oh, what I can’t get a name from my new buddy? I’d hate to have to yell, “Hey, Blondie” in the hallway to get your attention.” I smirked at him, seeing as it was little funny, but I would of seriously been pissed if he had done that. He let go of my arm. “Roxas. Got, it, smart guy?” I asked, poking his head. He laughed and walked out ahead of me into the hall.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> End A/N: The song Roxas was listening to was “Fade Away” by Automatic Loveletter. I love them to pieces and this song made me cry. I might refer to one or more songs by them later that I feel fit Roxas well [in this story], such as the second one, “Take my Hands” by Yuyoyuppe. (My intent in life is to marry him. Lol)  
> If you get a chance, look ‘em up.
> 
> Oh, and yeah… “Fluffer-nutter” was kinda my word, so I figured I’d let Roxas use it. XD
> 
> And with “Ms.Hikaru” (yeah, that right), I’m going to be using her for important things later, so don’t think her peppy personality is all there is to her in my story. Like the real Utada; she’s deep.  
> For those of you that don’t know, Kaoru Wada worked with Yoko in KH1, KH:COM (NOT RE:COM!), and KH2 on orchestral arrangements.


	2. The Grace of Affection

Chapter II: The Grace of Affection

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

I never remembered our mother giving us kisses. No hugs or family time watching a movie, etcetera. We were never graced with loving affection as children, nor now. It's was never, "Oh, great job on the dishes before I got back, as well as the rest of the kitchen!" But rather, "You didn't put the clothes from the washer into the dryer, dipshit." It was just never good enough. It wouldn't matter if we cleaned the entire house top to bottom, she'd find something to bitch at me about. Never Sora though. I made sure, and because of that, she favored him for various reasons. I always said that I had told him I'd do it, thus the reason he didn't, even if I hadn't. I kind of feel like sometimes the only reason she had us for the purpose of unpaid maids, not to have children. As soon as we learned to walk, she probably gave us mops and dustpans to play with instead of toy cars and blocks- I don't remember though. I tried to push as many memories out of my mind that weren't related to the only damn person I cared about.

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

The light flicked on at the exact time the alarm went off. "Roxas, get your ass up." She said, and walked away to get ready for work. I, still being half asleep, only heard the garbled version of what she had said and turned over in my sleep. In the bed across from mine, Sora sat up with killer bed head. He stretched and yawned and looked over at me, still passed out. Sora was a morning person. Hell, Sora was a "give me the time of day or night" person. With his ever probable ADD or ADHD, if a mouse woke him up, he'd be up all night because of it. Me on the other hand, I was up all night and slept like I was dead during the day. I've wondered if it was because for some reason, I was used to that time, like a past life or something, or if I just liked the night so much, that it screwed with my sleep patterns. I mean, dark felt _safe_ to me. Most people are terrified of it, but I always used it as a security blanket. It masked the terrible things we had to see during the day time. And all of those so called "monsters" were just people, so why weren't people deathly afraid of each other if that's all they were really scared of if not the dark but what was crawling in it? And goddamn it, if there was something unknown out there, it had better hurry it's ass up in mine and Sora's abduction 'cuse I want to get the fuck out of here!

Sora's feet quietly touched on the floor as he walked over to my bed. "Roxas, you got to get up." He said waking up his throat and shaking my shoulder. I groaned and mumbled something about the light. He went over and turned it off, as well as tapping the alarm clock to make it shut the hell up. "It's off." He said. I groaned and sat up, scratching my head and yawning afterwards, feeling that my stomach also needed a scratch under these pajamas with my other hand. Sora started laughing. "What?" I asked, still being tired so it sounded like "whaut". He pointed at my head. "It's a big mess again. Not get good sleep?" I shrugged and feel back down on my bed. "Come on, Roxas. Mom'll get mad, so get up." I nodded and waved him off. "Yeah, yeah…" Did I mention I wasn't a morning person? Sora crossed his arms and tapped his foot. "Roxas, I'll turn it back on."  
"No!" I yelled, and threw the blanket back over my head. He was talking about the light. "Then get up." I groaned for the umpteenth time that morning, then got up. Sora gave me a praising smile. He walked out of the room to go to the bathroom. I yawned again and raided my closet for something wearable. I hated getting ready with the light on. It was too early and it bothers me. Sora was just fine with it though. He'd get ready with fucking lights so bright it could tan a person.

"Is Roxas up?" I heard the faint mummer of mom talking to Sora. "Yeah, he's up." I heard disbelieving footsteps head towards our room. She flicked on the light again and scanned the room for me, who was now blind. "Leave it on." She demanded. I nodded, one eye closed. She walked out of the room and I flipped her off. Stupid parents and their unreasonable demands…

I got into the small closet and changed my shirt painfully slow, then realizing I had to get out of my comfortable dark to get new boxers. I _did_ have to get new ones… right? Damn if it weren't for my fear of my mother… I opened the door and went over to the dresser and pulled out any random pair. Sora and I were the same size, so it didn't matter, and neither of us cared. The rule was as long as you didn't cream your pants in someone else's, you were good.  
I finished changing at a snail's pace, then quick brushed my gravity defying hair so it could look semi-normal. Angled to my right and… All good. I went downstairs and grabbed a box of seemingly good tasting cereal. I grabbed two bowls, filled 'em both and put milk in one. Sora came down a few minutes after and filled his with milk and sat across from me. Mom came into the kitchen a grabbed a pear out of the fridge. She leaned against the counter and bit into it, staring at us. I crunched on my cereal, feeling awkward.  
She stared at us for a while, then looked like she was spacing out. She finished her pear and went into the bathroom to brush her teeth. "Is she mad?" I whispered to Sora, leaning across the table a bit. He shook his head and gave me an "I don't know" look. I leaned back in my chair and look towards the bathroom. I was in no rush to finish, because then I'd have to brush my teeth in the same room as her. Still, even after we finished, we still heard the sink water running. I looked at Sora, worried. He took our bowls to the sink to wash them, while I dared to brave the bathroom. I walked into the bathroom and she was just… Staring at herself in the mirror- like it was the most interesting thing she had ever seen. "…I think… Something about me looks extra good today…" She said to no one in particular, but including me. She turned to look at me, her eyes puffed up and red. She had been crying? Why? Ugh, dare I ask? "Um… You okay?" She nodded and turned back to the mirror. "Just having a girly crisis is all." She said airily. I nodded. "You need the sink right?" She asked, and pointed to it. I nodded. She nodded to herself, look herself over once more, then left. What the _hell_? Her goddamn girly crisis better not result in me or Sora with ropes around our necks- or worse, in dresses.

I brushed my teeth, Sora soon joining me once I was almost done. "Mood swing." He said quietly. I nodded. "She used the term, "girly crisis"." I told him, just as equally quiet.

He couldn't help but hold in a laugh.

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

In the car ride to school, my mother started asking the weirdest questions. "Hey, boys," She said, looking back at us from the mirror. "…Yeah?" I asked. "Don't you thing credenza is a pretty word?"

"Credenza?" I repeated. It sounded Spanish if you asked me. "Yup. I'm pretty sure it's part of a house or something, but doesn't the word sound pretty?"  
"Um… I guess…" Mom looked over at Sora in the mirror, wanting to hear his answer. "For a word, I guess." He said, being honest, but telling her what she wanted to hear. He was good at that. "Yeah…" She sighed to herself, obviously the word making her happy. "Guys, we should get a garden." Oh, god, dirt work… "And hire a sexy gardener." She added. Um, okay…? "We should right guys? It'd be like in the stories…"  
"Mom, have you been layin' it on thick on the romance novels again?" I asked her, being a bit rude, knowing this was the only time I could be and get away with it. Sora nudged me. "Shut up! It makes me happy, okay… And I mean, think about it! How long have I been without a man because of you two? Not even a fling!" Love how she blames us for her dead love life as well as the cobwebs in-between her legs… "So... because of that… You want to have sex with a gardener?" I asked, summing it up oddly. She shrugged. "We could get a babysitter for you guys if that's better."

"No thanks. I'd go with the gardener." Mom raised an eyebrow at me. "Why Roxas," Oh, god I said something off… "I didn't know you were into men." Aaaaannnnddd there it was… "I-I'm not!" I stuttered, my face flushing red at the very thought. "Your face is red."  
"Because you just called your own kid _gay_!" She just laughed at me. "And to think I always thought it was going to be Sora." Sora's face heated, mirroring mine. "M-Mom!" Dear god, she was calling both of her kids gayer than a football player in a too-too doing the tango with a business man in a suit.  
In all honesty, I've never really thought about it, nor did I want to. I didn't want to sit there and realize something that could shock me, yet could be so blatantly obvious to me that would get me hurt. My honest sexuality bothered me and I knew it would cause problems for me, so I never addressed it. "So, Roxas, what's your type?" I groaned and leaned my head back against the seat. "Mom, I'm not gay." I repeated. "Okay, okay. Bi, then."

"Mom!"

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

"Spunky, "I know what I want type"?"  
"Mom…"  
"Okay, okay. Um, dare I list this one, but cocky, popular type."  
"I don't like anyone like that, yet alone guys like that mom." We pulled up in front of the school while Sora laughed the entire time at my misfortune. "Sora, it's your turn when we get home." She said, which cut off his laughter abruptly and started mine, which sounded just like his. "Shut up!" He wined at me. I opened the car door and got out, just to be yanked back over by mom by my arm. She waved Sora off and told him to go. He gave me a worried look, but I just waved him off too. Her mood-swings weren't _that_ bad. He started walking, but remained in view. "Just give me a type. Guy or girl, it doesn't matter."  
"Mom, I'm not gay, nor bi. I'm straight. Like, straighter than the tiles on our bathroom floor." She was quiet for a minute while a grin edged its way onto her face.

"…You know their crooked, right?" I groaned, she laughed. "Come one. Just one. You're my kid. I want to know this stuff." I sighed. I never had time to think about it, nor did I want to. I thought for a minute. "Just… Someone who understands me and won't laugh or be an ass about certain things about me or things I like- 'Cuse I mean, they can understand, but not give a damn." She stared at me, then nodded in approval. "Okay. Now go on, 'cuse it your late I'll have to kick your butt." She said it kindly, but if I was she really would and we both knew that. I nodded and jogged to catch up with Sora.

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

"Yo! Rox!" I turned towards the cocky voice that had addressed me. "I'm not several rocks, I'm Rox _as_!" He laughed at me. It was a joke, but not a joke. "Sorry, Roxy." I glared at him and he waved his hands back and forth in front of him. "I'm kidding! _Kidding_!" I stared walking away from him. "Hey!" He wined. I kept walking. "Roxas!" He said, and grabbed my wrist. "Well damn! Is it that hard to use my name?" He grinned at me. "Well with all of my thoughts about you, I just kind of got familiar with your name, thus the abbreviation." I rolled my eyes. "That sounds wrong on so many levels." He laughed at me and let my arm go. "Show me your schedule. I want to see if we have any classes together." Wait- so he wasn't older than me? Damn him and his height. I shook my head. "Just curious, but how old are you?" He smirked. "Eighteen. I started late and got held back in kindergarten." I raised an eyebrow. "They can do that? And you were that dumb?" He chuckled at me. I started walking to math, feeling like it was too damn early for such a complex topic- Did I mention I wasn't talking about just 2+2? I was talking trigonometry. I liked math since it was clear cut and all, but still… I was still processing getting out of bed, my body being forced way ahead of my mind.  
I honestly didn't want to go, "Fuck, I've got such-and-such with that damn flaming faggot…" or something. He was interesting to talk to and crack jokes with, but something about him pissed me off. "Well, seeing as your leaving, let me stalk you to class like a creeper." Normal people would say "Let me walk you to class." I couldn't help but snicker at how dumb he was being. "Do you have like, brain damage or something?" I asked, turning towards him and crossing my arms. He cheesed at me. "Depends." I raised an eyebrow. "On what?"

"Whom I'm with and if it's a Thursday."

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

Turns out, we've got math together. "Why weren't you in here the first day?" I asked him, setting my bag down next to my desk which was right next to the wall. I definitely would of remembered a flaming ferret turned human during the little name game we were forced to play. Gotta say, I personally prefer "flaming faggot" over "flaming ferret". Man, am I an asshole foul mouth or what? "I started yesterday. Crap with my schedule was screwed up to the extreme so I was in the office the entire time while they tried to fix it." I nodded. "That sucks. I've got to fix mine up too. We missed the appointment with the guidance counselor over the summer to make sure they were in order." He raised an eyebrow. "Why?" I held up my right arm and pointed to it. "Fractured my arm." His eyes widened. "Tsch! How'd you do that?" I shrugged. I really didn't feel like explaining about my psychotic mother and how she got so pissed she got my old baseball bat and decided to follow through with her threat- Especially because I didn't really know him that well.  
"What's that supposed to mean? Did you also get brain damage from the incident that made you forget?" I nodded. "Yup." If only… If it would work out perfectly, it would make me forget about everything except Sora. Axel just stared at me as he lounged in his seat, slouching, his long legs angled so his foot was touching mine. "…Well damn. By the way, if you don't want to talk about it, just say so. I'm not that bad am I?" I laughed. "Yeah, your terrible. So terrible, Roxas isn't even my real name. It's an alias. I hate you, go die." I said monotone. He laughed at me. "Well Jesus, man! Do I need to give you an organ so you'll trust me?"  
"Yeah, I'm a heartless fiend that feeds off of the living, so give me your soul- meaning I get your eyeballs and heart." He laughed. "Why eyeballs?"  
"You know, they eyes are windows and crap." He nodded and "ah"d. "Well if that's the case, let me check yours over." I glanced at him. "Whatever. You're not psychic." He smirked at me. "Well lemmie check?" I sighed and turned to him and stared. His eyes studied mine, and I studied his. At the moment, I didn't realize how close he was to me, nor I to him. I was too busy concentrating on our current goal to really realize the possibility of him flirting with me. His eyes were so green, and almost seemed to shine, reflecting all of the light in the room- like a thin layer of plastic. But if that was the case, that meant that they were protecting something… Pft! Yeah right! This whack-job was just insane! He was just covering that up!

"…Well damn your eyes are blue." He said finally. I rolled my eyes. "That all you got Mr. Psychic?" He grinned at me. "No." I leaned back in my chair, making it lean on two legs instead of four. "They're really blue, and endless- like water. You're a deeper person than the shallow water your letting everyone wade in."

…What the fuck?

"Oh, really now? You sure I'm not just that deep, nothing more? Or do you just say that for all people with blue eyes?" He could of. It was a ridiculous generality that could of applied to anyone, really. He laughed at me and shook his head as the teacher turned on the projector to start class. "No. Your Roxas. How many people with awesome names like that are dull and keep everything on the surface of themselves? Heart on their sleeves?" He really needed to shut up… It was bothering me… How on point he was and yet how he knew nothing about me… He could be just bull-shitting it, but he was right, and I couldn't let him know that.  
"Well if you somehow manage to get deep into my so called water, I'll drown your ass." He laughed really loud, causing people to look at us. "And if I swim away?" He asked, eyebrow raised. "I'll make a typhoon." He turned to the front of the room. "I'll move to another country where they don't get those. Apparently, in your seas there's a really valuable jewel that you’re clearly trying to protect, and if I find it, you won't get it back." …He'll have to rip me open after he kills me first. Like fuck anyone is going to see that part of me. "…Not even if I say please?" I asked, quizzically. He smirked as the teacher called class to order. "No. But if you find mine, which just happens to be running around non-stopped somewhere, I might trade you." Running around in fields of endless green…

I hate him and I know it.

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

I stretched my arms above my head, working out the kink in my shoulder blade. "Hey." Sora said, approaching me. "Hey. You know what's for lunch?" I asked, putting my arms down. "Of course!" He said, flashing me a big grin. A red-head came up behind Sora and covered his eyes. He gently touched her hands. "Um… Okay I know it's one of two people." A taller silver-head came up behind Kairi and put his hands over her's. "Okay now it's both of you."  
"Who did it first?" Riku asked, a grin on his face. I was glad he had loving friends like that. "Hurry up, I want to know what's for lunch before they open the doors and I don't know what to get." I ordered, honestly not really caring much. "It's pasta and stuff. Um… Riku's hands are on top of Kairi's." Kairi pouted and Riku congratulated him as they both removed their hands. "Well, Riku's hands are bigger than yours, Kairi- and their super warm." I pulled on the hood of his jacket. "Come on." I said. Knowing him, he'd talk to them the entire lunch period and not get to eat anything. "We'll wait out in the hallway." Riku called. I never saw him eat anything, and Kairi usually brought her lunch.

I pulled him into the lunch line for pasta and crap. The other option was large shit tasting yogurt with granola and a salad. In no way was I a girl, and the schools pasta was shit, so I'd just get it and give it to Sora- who'd eat anything he was given and never vomited it back up. "Roxy!" An obnoxious voice called. "Oh, fuck…" I mumbled. I felt an arm wrap around a mix of my shoulder and neck. "Yo, Rox- OH MY GOD- There are two of you?" Sora laughed. "No, dipshit. Sora's my brother: We're twins." He stared at Sora, then looked back at me. "Well there's a complete difference now that I actually look." I rolled my eyes. "Was a total shocker for me though." He said, studying Sora. "Me too. Since when do you have friends, Roxas?" Sora said, a big dopy grin on his face. I glared at him. "He's not my friend. He's a happy stalker." Axel laughed at me while Sora gave me a look that said that joke wasn't okay. "Well, it's always good to have someone around that can make you forget about depressing stuff- even if they seem like a moron, right? Even if it's yourself, it can help."

…The hell?

So far he’s been doing lots of things like that… "So, Roxas, do you like Ms. Hikaru? We didn't get to talk about it yesterday." Thank god for Sora. He knew that that had just upset me because I do it all of the time for him… We both knew were aware of it, and when my mind went blank his powered up. We joked and said it was a weird twin thing. I removed Axel's arm from my person. "Yeah, but she seems too happy for her own good." I said shrugging and turning towards him, my back to Axel. "Have you heard her sing yet? She also can play the piano really well. Um, do you…?" I shrugged again. "I don't know what I'm doing this year." He nodded. "…You should do it again… You were really good…" Axel was obviously lost to the inside conversation.

We were talking about after school activities. In middle school, I transitioned from what I did in elementary to sports. But now I found them boring, my blood pressure too low, and I was slowly becoming _too_ aggressive. "You still going to play soccer?" He always had and it was good for him. He was great at it as well as baseball, but he did the latter for more of a recreational thing. That's also another reason that asshole in his gym class pissed me off is because I _know_ he's good at sports. "Probably. Kairi said she also wanted to do tennis with Selphie again. Riku's still in the "go home" club." He laughed. I nodded while I noted how Axel was oddly quiet. I turned around and- oh mi god! He was gone! Off talking with a long blue haired guy with an "X" like scar on his forehead who looked like a senior. "Woah, he left." I chuckled. Sora pulled me by my checkered bracelet gently up in the line a bit more. "Get me an apple will you?" He nodded.

More than half of the cafeteria started laughing, causing those who weren't in on the joke to turn around. I turned around before Sora and "yip"ed, smacking my hand over his eyes. Some drunk kid was stripping on the table, and he was horrendously fat. "I'm, too sexy for my shirt~! So sexy it hurts~!" He basically moaned. I cursed and ordered Sora to cover his ears. An officer and an administrator were running towards the student and were having a hard time getting past the horde of students. "Faggot…" Some guy with pink hair next to me mumbled. He had on a pair of skinny jeans adorned with two belts, the opposing one mirroring the slant of the other off of his hips. For a top, he had on a white tank under a faded purple-pink colored one that read "screw you" in all caps, then in smaller letters read, "then screw me" in fancy purple lettering. "He make gay people like me look normal." That made me notice how his hand was on his hip, covered in various types of bracelets, but he made it look oddly normal. I nodded.  
"Since when were gay people weird, yet alone as weird as _that_?" He nodded. "Good point." He looked over at me and saw me covering Sora's eyes, himself his ears and raised an eyebrow. "That traumatic?" I couldn't take my eyes off of the terrifying scene before me. It was like watching someone eat their own vomit, disgusting but oddly entertaining, but I nodded. He chuckled. "Marluxia." He had just taken off his pants… "R-Roxas… Dear god are those even clean?" I asked, talking about his underwear. Marluxia looked over at the guy and the entire right side of his face started to twitch. "Okay, apatite gone… Nice meeting you." He said nodding and walking away. I nodded back, still never moving my eyes from the tremendous amount of flab that was just tackled to the ground by an officer before he stripped of his underwear.

Damn… Drunk people were funny and _clearly_ still in Summer Break mode.

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

"And then he started stripping!" Sora told Riku and Kairi. Kairi covered her mouth with her hands, face red, but was cracking up along with Riku. "Then what?" Riku asked, being the one to calm down first. "I don't know. Roxas covered my eyes, then ears once he started singing "I'm too sexy"." That sent them into a tizzy again. "It was for your own good! The guy was stripping so bad he almost took off his boxers!" Riku was laughing so hard he had fallen over on his side and was crying. "And I fucking missed it?" He cried. We were all out in the hallway, Sora and I against a wall, Riku and Kairi facing us, all on the floor. "Trust me, it would of fucking scared you. If I wasn't fucked up enough, I would of fucking died!" Riku chuckled. "From all that damn porn you watch." I snickered. "Oh, hell yeah. Too much of the gay shit with you in it." Riku and I laughed and our insults. That's how it was with us. We only hung out when Sora was around, and all we did was insult one another, but we still managed to turn the damned thing into something funny for us. It wasn't that we disliked each other. It was just that we didn't know the other. If we saw each other when Sora wasn't around, we wouldn't say anything to the other- hell not even glance. Act like the other was a complete stranger. The only time we would talk when Sora wasn't around was when it was _about_ Sora.

"Jeeze, you too. Stop it. That's not funny." Sora scolded. "Riku," He said pointing a finger at him. "You are not a porn star," Riku "Aww"d and feigned obviously fake sadness. "And Roxas," he said, turning to me. "You don't even watch straight porn so shut up." I busted out laughing. "Yeah, 'cuse mom would whoop my ass." Damn right she would. I didn't even fucking think about sex because there was no time to in my fucked up little world. It was, go to school, possibly pay attention, positively pass, clean the damn house until it fucking shines like Nirvana, do homework then pass out in bed. If I'm lucky, that list occasionally contains eating.

"Aww, poor thing." Riku said, pretending to feel sorry for me. "Ugh. You guys are such guys!" Kairi scolded. "New topic besides X rated stuff!" She yelled to the ceiling, her hands holding her ankles together. "Um… Roxas would you consider Dildo's X or R rated?" Riku asked. I laughed while Kairi groaned again. "Okay, okay. Cut it out. Let's talk about how our summers went because I didn't get to see much of you guys."

"I saw _tons_ of you- well, your brother." Oh, god… "In the shower, bath-tub, after sports, changing, walking home…" I whipped around at the accusant. "Look, ya fucking stalker!" Axel busted out laughing. "S'up? You see the guy in the cafeteria?" I nodded. "We just finished talking about that. And didn't I tell you Sora? Sad part is, I don't think he's joking." Axel laughed at me.  
"Could be, couldn't be." He mused. I groaned. "Okay, you guys talk. I need to go have a word with my stalker." Sora nodded. "Be back soon?" I nodded to him while I brushed off my back side. "Yeah. Our class is right next to the other, so I'll be back to walk you." He nodded. "Okay." I grabbed Axel by his sleeve and hauled him down another hallway. "Okay, look creeper," I said crossing my arms. He waved a finger at me. "A-A-Ah. It's _Mr._ Creeper." I sighed and stared at the ceiling. "Seriously. You need to cut that shit out. I don't even know you like that and your for real being a creep." He shoved his hands into his pockets. "Sorry. Just seemed like you needed it." I raised an eyebrow. "Needed what?" He glanced at a wall angled away from me. "…A distraction." I uncrossed my arms slightly. "…From what?" If he was seriously psychic, I swear to god I'd have to kill him. He shrugged. "I don't know, you tell me. It's just this funky vibe I get from you." I rolled my eyes. "Really?" He nodded and finally decided to grace me with his endless fields of retardation. "Yeah. 'Cuse you seem like the type of person that does what I do." He was annoying me with his talking about the topic but shaking the topic at the same time. "Oh, yeah, and what do you do?" I asked crossly. He gave me a sheepish look. "…Cover it up by being dumb…"

…What the FUCKING HELL?

"…You…" I mumbled. He tipped his head. "Hn?" My bangs were covering my eyes and my fists were clenched, so I knew I looked pissed.  
"Plastic…" I mumbled. "Huh?" He asked, looking at me confused. "Your eyes reminded me of plastic, reflecting everything back at everyone and protecting something." His eyes grew wide, but I turned around and stomped off, not wanting to talk to him anymore. Damn… It's hot in this hallway… Oh, nope, wait. That's just my face doing a fucking temperature jump from 98 to "over nine thousand".

Jesus Christ…

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

"So what'd you guys do today?" Mom asked from the kitchen while Sora and I were sprawled out in front of the TV with our homework. With the way our house was set up, you could clearly see anything going on in the kitchen from the living room and likewise. "Nothing much." I said, debating if I _really_ needed that calculator for my math homework- that or if I actually wanted to do it. "I heard that next week their going to give out the list of after school things we can do, and another week after that we can start." Sora said, a commercial on the TV distracting him from his work. Mom nodded. "That's good. You still going to do soccer, Sora?" I heard the clattering of pots. "Yeah." He said, returning his attention back to his homework. …What's 368 divided by 4 times 13 cubed again? Damn, I needed the calculator… "What about you Roxas?" eight times four is- "I don't know yet." I told her honestly. If she was in a pissy mood, she's soon be out in the living room with one of those pots to my head. "I'll do something though, so…" There was no way in hell that I was going to get stuck home more than needed with the psycho I had to call my mother. "Well, are you going to-"

"No." I told her flat out. I was not going to do that again. Sora had already asked me, now she was. I wasn't going to… In a sense, for me it was worse than sports… "But you were so good at it, Roxas!" She said, obviously disappointed. Sora looked over at me to see my reaction. "I just… Don't want to…" It was almost painful… I know I was good at it, but that's why… I was good because I put a part of myself into it- the painful part. But that's why… I heard her sigh. "Fine. You need to think of something to do though, okay?" No shit. I was not getting stuck with your crazy ass for an extra hour every day when I could be slacking off in something that'll keep me away from your nut-job self… "So, Roxas, when is the last time you-"

"Elementary, mom. Haven't touched it since. That's still in the attic, too." She came into the living room, drying her hands off with a kitchen towel, a frown on her face. "Well, I guess even if you did try it now, you wouldn't really remember that much, huh?"  
…I remembered. I remembered just as clearly as I remembered the identical color of Sora and my eyes were and how to tell them apart. "Yeah…" I said, turning my attention back to my homework. It would be easier to just lie about it. If she knew I still remembered how to, she'd try to coax me into doing it again. Damn you, math. Go to hell along with Mr. Retarded-Plastic-Eyed-Happy-Stalker…

…Why the hell was I thinking about him? Ugh, he's like a killer disease- worse. A killer leaching disease that's in a man's body, but has a woman's psychotic capabilities and shows it… Shoot me now, damn it… "Well, you going to do sports, or arts-y, stuff, what?" I shrugged. "I'll think it over when I get the list of stuff. See what pop's out at me." She stared at me, gauging something. She dropped it. "Well you better. Things like that are good on a college application." Fuck college, I couldn't even remember what eight times four was at the moment. "I know." Wait- no, I take that back. College means dorms, meaning I don't have to stay here. Yay college! Er, more accurately "yay dorms".

"I've decided we're just going to eat pizza tonight. I'm too tired. Check on it in twenty?" She asked, not asking one of us in particular. "Okay." I nodded. "I mean it. If you waste anymore fucking food Roxas I'm going to fucking gut your ass." She said, in the same mother-y tone. Sora's eyes were wide as he stared at us, silent. I looked up at her from the floor and nodded. She stared at me, no readable expression, then went upstairs. We both watched until she was out of sight and listened for her room door to close.

"…She's mad about something at work." I nodded. "Yeah. She was better about hiding it today though." Sora nodded. "Maybe she's getting better." He said hopefully. I shrugged. I wasn't going to look a gift horse in the mouth, but I wasn't exactly going to kiss it's ass. "Maybe…"

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

I was woken up by a screeching Sora. "MOM, NO!" I shot up and almost got knocked out by mom's elbow. "No! I'm tired of this bullshit!"  
"But mom, Roxas didn't do anything!" Sora was holding her wrists and trying to keep her from obviously trying to hurt me with something. I had gotten the pizza out in exactly twenty minutes, did my homework (all of it), and the night was uneventful, so I really didn't do anything. I glanced at the clock as I got up out of bed.  
3:43 in the morning. It couldn't of been that I got up late because I had a little over an hour to sleep still. "This worthless piece of shit _always_ does something!" She screamed at him. She yanked her wrists back, causing Sora to let go, then backhanded him.

I tackled her, hearing something clatter to the floor.

Fuck that shit. "Knock me out all you want, but you know not to touch Sora." I said, pinning her down. I had already told the psycho bitch to never touch Sora during one of our scuffles. I would never physically touch her, but I just lost it and forgot whenever she'd hurt the thing that kept me grounded. She crotch kicked me. I let out a strangled groan, everything in my body stopping for a second. I rolled off of her and she pinned me and started to strangle me. I choked, praying to god that whatever the fuck it was that had set her off would stop so I wouldn't end up in the damn ER again. I felt her weight get heavier as Sora tried to pull her off. "Mom, stop it! What's wrong?" She head-butted him with the back of her head, causing him to fall off. I fisted her hair and yanked at it, making her squeeze harder in a silent way to tell me to let go. "Let go." She growled. I smacked her with my other hand, only because I was starting to black out.  
All three of us could hear the echo, mom finally let go and her entire body slumped, still sitting on me. It was quiet as I sat up on my elbows, gasping for air but not letting my guard down. We heard her start to cry. "I'm sorry…" She mumbled. She got off and continued to sob, attempting to leave our room. Sora sighed, relived, and pulled her over to him, hugging her. "I'm sorry…" She said again, stroking his hair. "It's just…" She hiccupped. "It's just so stressful… Nothing's going good at work, and my boss and I got into an argument, then someone insulted the two of you, and… and…"  
I got it now. Whatever they must of said to her must have been bothering her so badly, it had kept her up, then she just lost it and came in here to beat us up because she never wanted us doing what we had been accused of. I sighed and walked over to her, gently pushing them onto Sora's bed. "It's okay mom…" I mumbled. Like fuck it was okay. Go for it, strangle me, try to beat my ass with whatever she had dropped, but it no fucking god damn way is it okay for you to hit Sora. I rubbed her back while she sobbed into Sora's shoulder. We were all tired, so Sora had eventually slumped against the wall and fell asleep with mom.

I got up, the moonlight coming through our window shining onto whatever she had tried to kill me with. I picked it up, carefully.

…Oh, fuck… She had for real probably thought about gutting me. It was a damn steak knife… I looked over at her and Sora, both passed out, breathing opposite to the other. I honestly debated just moving Sora and stabbing her in the chest with it… Sora'd be passed out, and if I did it right, she'd die right away. Not a sound… I'd go to jail yeah, but… It'd be okay. She's be dead. All gone, bye, bye problem. I walked up to her, and she sniffed, and curled up to Sora, who cuddled her back. Sora… Didn't _need_ her… Did he?  
I went downstairs and put the knife back into the kitchen.

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

We didn't go to school. Hell, I got up on time and everything because she had passed out in my room. "I'm too tired…" She mumbled. "You can go back to sleep hunny… I'll make it up to you two later, okay…?" She said, and turned over, wrapping her arm around Sora. They had ended up just lying in his bed side by side. I mumbled something about how as long as she didn't beat our asses, it was all good. My throat felt sore, like when you get strep sore, but it also was probably bruised. I walked over to the mirror and inspected it. Yup. Purple. I am so wearing a turtle-neck to school tomorrow… I flopped back on to my bed. I put the pillow over my face and groaned to myself. "Roxas, hunny, shut up the fuck up…" Mom said, in more or less of a sigh from Sora's bed. "Okay, mom…" I grumbled. This, my pondering pot-lucking fucks, is what I call a major Fuck-My-Life.

Don't you love my majorly retarded, yet large vocabulary when I'm half asleep? Fuck yes.

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

"Super late brunch." Mom said, setting down before us toasted-eggs sandwiches, pancakes, macaroni and cheese, and bacon. Odd, right? Mom never understood the concept of what brunch was. She always mixed breakfast and lunch foods together and called it a done deal. "Want me to get the orange juice, or, what, here?" I asked from the fridge. "Cranberry." Ugh… I personally didn't like cranberry juice. It made me thirstier than I already was and there was just something about it that I didn't like. I pulled it out and poured three cups of it, knowing I was never going to touch it. Thank god for un-clear cups… Fake sip, and switch with Sora's empty one when mom isn't looking. Works for both of us. The phone rang. "I got it." Sora said, trotting over to the house phone in the living room.

"Hello?" A pause. "Uh, yeah we're fine. Sorry to make you worry, Riku. Mom was just too tired to drive us to school today, so…" Okay. Was just Riku being the paranoid best-friend he was. Honestly, though, I was glad he was, because if something really had happened, he'd be the first over here, saying "Fuck school, something's wrong". "Yeah, we'll probably be there tomorrow." Another pause while I set the cups on the table. "Yup. Okay. See you later." Sora hung up the phone and walked back over. "It was Riku. He was worried because we didn't show up and I didn't say anything about not coming, so…" Mom nodded. "Okay. He's a good friend." Sora nodded. "Oh, yeah! While we're talking about Riku, he wanted to know if I could come over sometime." Mom sat down across from us. "I'll think about it. Wait- now that I am thinking about it, Roxas, why don't you ever go over to any of your friend's houses?" I nibbled on some bacon. "Because I'm anti-social, and the people I do have conversations with have pink hair."

"What?"  
"What?" Sora and mom said at the same time, obviously confused. I scoffed, covering my laugh, and shook my head. "Nothing. Brief conversation with this guy in lunch the other day." Sora tipped his head, wondering when this was, and mom just brushed it off and started on a pancake- which started oozing some odd substance…

And yet again, I would not eat…

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

"Yo, Roxy. You weren't here yesterday, and the last time I saw you was after our conversation in the hallway. Somethin' happen?" I sighed, pulling on the collar of my black sweater under my vest to make sure it covered my neck as well as it's bruises. Seeing the faggot ferret first thing in the morning was going to kill me… "No. What'd I miss in music?" He shrugged, keeping pace with me, his hands in his pockets. "Nothing much. She just gave out her major assignment for this marking period." Nothing much? Well, damn! "She said that if anyone missed it, they should come after class and she'll explain." I nodded. "Yo! Marly!" Axel yelled, waving an arm to someone in a large crowd. "I thought I told you to call me by my name. Only Zexion calls me that, and that's just because I have something to counter it with and because he's my boyfriend."  
Hey! It was the pink-haired guy! "Hey!" I said to him. He looked down at me and blinked. "Oh… I'm so sorry…" He said. "Huh?" I asked, completely lost. He pointed to Axel. "That thing mentioned you several times, meaning you must get bothered by him a lot." I looked over at Axel and moved over a step. "You hit the nail on the head and drove it all the way in." Axel pouted. "Aw! You two are ass-holes!" Marluxia smirked at him. "Get over it, numbnuts." He wrapped an arm around my shoulder, his hand ended up touching my chest. "I'm kidnapping him from Your Psychoness." He said, then started hauling me away. "See ya!" He called. Axel trailed him the best he could, but was easily getting lost in the large sea of people. I couldn't help but laugh. Once we were out of sight, I just had to tell Marluxia. "I gotta say, you're my new favorite person." Marluxia scoffed at me. "I'm no person." I laughed. "Then what are you?" We started up a flight of steps. "I, my dear Roxy-"  
"Roxas." I cut him off. "Roxas," He continued. "Am a nobody. Somebody's don't gives a shit about me, thus, I am a nobody, officially approved by Mr.X- It's not a bad thing like people make it out to be, either."  
"Well, you're my new favorite nobody- First actually. And Mr. X?" I asked confused. He looked down at me and smiled, then nodded. "Yup. . A.K.A., Mr. Mansex." I laughed. "Mansex?" Marluxia smirked. "Yup. Rearrange the letters. It's this group he came up with for rejects of sorts and not the fake ones- or those too lazy to do anything but have to. Not all of us are good in sports or arts, but that's all they seem to give in school." I totally had to agree. "So what do you guys do then?" Marluxia shrugged. "Stuff. A little of everything, yet nothing. We more or less do what we want and help out other groups that need a hand in something." I nodded. That honestly sounded perfect. Nothing could get better than that. "But wait- that ties into you being a nobody how?" Marluxia decided last minute to turn a corner. "We do a bit of everything, yet nothing. Nothingness is important too, and only nobodies can do that without getting unwanted attention. Besides…" It was quiet as we kept walking minus everyone around us talking. Did he need promoting, or… What here?  
"Besides what?" Marluxia jumped. "Ah! Sorry. Mr. X only lets very specific people into it, so there was kind of no point in my talking about it. But… You might be able to. You just seem like the type." Again with this annoying thing that Axel does; talking about the topic without addressing it. Jesus… "What _type?_ Axel does the _same damn_ thing- ah, sorry…" I nibbled on the side of my tongue. "It just… Bothers me…" Marluxia shook his head. "It's fine. I'm sorry for bringing up something that bothered you." I shook my head again. "It’s fine. It normally doesn't bother me like that, but Axel does and he did the same thing, so…" Marluxia nodded. "I totally get it." He laughed. I nodded again as we continued walking down the hall. The quiet was nice… Contenting. Hell, I didn't even care that he still had his arm draped over my shoulder.

"Hey, Marluxia! Roxy!" Aaaaannndd it was ruined… "Axel, he prefers to be called "Roxas", not "Roxy". He appreciates your nicknames just as much as I do." Marluxia said, turning us around to the annoyance. "So you like them now?" Axel asked, a grin plastered on his face. Marluxia groaned. "Oh, by the way, look who I picked up." A guy that also looked like a senior made his way up to our trio, wearing a plane black t-shirt and black skinny jeans, nothing fancy. His bangs was swooped over to cover his right eye. "Oh, so now your cheating on my openly with a freshman." He said, narrowing his eyes- er, eye[?] at Marluxia. "I'm a Junior…" I mumbled, cursing my retarded growth gene. "See, he's a Junior." The guy crossed his arms. "So? You still cheat on me openly?" Marluxia laughed and let go of me, taking the guys face in his hands. "I'd never and you know it." Then tongued him. Dear god, there goes my gag reflex… I turned my head to the side, grossed out and embarrassed. Axel just laughed at me, my face was probably red. "So, Marluxia, cool kid or what?" Kid? Um, you're the one who has classes with me, numbnuts... He pulled away, his tongue still out of his mouth a bit, like a cat. "Yeah. We should totally talk to Mr.X about allowing him to join."  
"Oh my god, you noticed it too?" Axel said. Marluxia nodded, his arms wrapped around his boyfriends waist. "I already told him basic stuff about it- Oh, yeah, Roxas, this is Zexion." I nodded to him, and he nodded back. Can you say awkward hello? I can… Damn… "Well, would you join if you could, Roxas?" Axel asked me. I noticed all three of them staring at me, and… It bothered me. It made me feel awkward and pressured to say yes…

She'd look at me like that sometimes… Just stare, telling me what to say to please her… "U-Um, I'll think about it." I wanted this to be my choice, not a pressured yes. I wanted to pick for myself…

The bell rang. "Ah, shit! My class is all the way on the other side of the building. Later, guys!" I said, and left, hauling ass. "See ya, Roxas!" Axel called. For some reason, I felt nauseous and my face heated. The pleasure and him being annoying were going to kill me- they really were…  
I popped in my headphones. I needed it right now. It was science class, and the class was so damn big that the teacher would never see me with them in.  
"I've been roaming around, always lookin' down, and all I see...  
You know that I can really use somebody… use somebody…" It sang.  
Pft. Like fuck. Nobody could do anything good for me, and if they could, it'd be helping Sora. I sometimes wondered without really thinking if I was ignoring myself too much. I always put Sora first- always. I was seconded to none in my own book. Everyone always told you that you should be number one, but not everyone has to deal with their fucking psycho mother waking them up at almost four in the morning on a school night trying to kill them. Hell, I don't even know if I even _was_ a number in my book, yet alone if anyone else was in it besides Sora… I just…

"Roxas, headphones out." Normally the teacher would never notice. "Ugh…"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> End A/N: "It's over nine thousand!" Come on- when the opportunity presents itself how can you not though? I originally put one thousand, then thought of that, so… XD  
> Roxas favorite curse word for this chapter was obviously, but unintentionally, "Fuck".  
> The song this time was "Use Somebody" by Kings of Leon  
> (GUYS THIS CHAPTER WASN’T IN MY COMPUTER!!! THAT COULD HAVE BEEN BAD!)  
> And also Roxas is actually a Junior, not a sophomore, my bad!


	3. Abandoned Hollows

Chapter III: Abandoned Hollows

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

Feeling. We were getting lectured on feeling in English. We were going to write essays and stuff, and she said the biggest problem that most people had was adding feeling to their writing. Feeling sets the tone, and details flow naturally afterwards.  
Funny.  
What do you do if the only emotion you can put into things is protecting something, passing out when you’re not, and possibly just giving up your own life to keep it safe? Nothing else matters, and your basically empty, even the shell is non-existent, only coming into an abandoned hollow form when you need to jump in front of the gun.

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

I sighed. I was waiting for Ms. Hikaru in the music room for my project. She said she’d be right back, but it had been twenty minutes now… I walked over to the grand piano and hit a low noted key. I could feel it vibrate, and it transferred to me, through my fingers, up my arm and to my core, making me feel painfully sad. I hit another, then walked in front of it. I let my finger ghost over a key, then touched it, making it call for me. I replaced my finger with my thumb, my index finger moving one away from it. I played the keys. I couldn’t help it…  
No one was in the room, and I hadn’t played since middle school, seriously elementary. I wasn’t going to sit though. Getting myself too comfortable would result in me getting caught. I hit a few keys to hear if they sounded like the ones I needed. I wanted to close my eyes and play, but then if someone walked in, it’d be embarrassing. I started playing, each key echoing the sound I heard in my head when I wrote it. I had never actually played it before, but it sounded so… Exactly how I imagined it; Sad, and beautiful. My eyes threatened to close, but I couldn’t let them- Half open was enough. I hated this damn thing because it sang what I played, and I played what I felt. It betrayed me by telling the entire world, never once stopping it’s taunts, even if I was never around it.

I could play the piano. So what? It was embarrassing to me- no, life threatening to me. No one was allowed to hear me play it. In elementary, the teachers all had to coax me to play bouncier songs. Once they found out why I didn’t though, the realized why, then always gave me sad looks whenever I would play it. I didn’t like those sorrowful looks they gave me, so I just slowly stopped playing… I wasn’t a virtuoso, that’s for sure, but I was better than most kids. I could play basic songs by ear, and was great at writing them. I felt the piano sing to me, each and every note I had wanted to hear it sing for so long… This would probably be one of the only times I’d play it… I played the finishing note, figuring Ms. Hikaru would be back soon, and if she came down the hallway, I didn’t want her to hear it…  
I heard clapping once I stopped. My neck snapped up to the accusing noise.

There he was, Axel, clapping, and leaning up against the door frame. Honestly, I’ve never felt more fear in my life. I almost blacked out from shock. “Wh-Wha-What th-the hell are you doing?!” Oh my god, my stutter was terrible… He laughed at me. “Just listening. What am I not allowed to?”  
“NO DAMNIT! _NO!_ ” I yanked him by his arm and slammed the door closed. “Swear to mother fucking god you fucking fuck, faggot flaming ferret son of a god damn bitch cunt licking hoe! If you fucking-”  
“Hey, hey, woah! What’s with all of the cursing, huh?” I had a foul mouth that would make Matt Stone and Trey Parker jiz their pants when I was pissed. “New tongue twister there, by the way…” He mumbled. “I didn’t mean to do anything wrong. Besides, I wouldn’t of known it had bothered you that much if you hadn’t of just flipped your lid. Now, I know you don’t want people to know you play, so I could use that against you.” I narrowed my eyes at him and crossed my arms. “The FUCK do you want, asshole?” He laughed at me. “Man, you’re really pissed.” I didn’t say anything, waiting for him to state his terms.  
“…Play it again.” I uncrossed my arms slightly, taken aback by his simple request. “W-What just once?” He nodded. “Yeah. I just want to hear it again. You don’t have to do anything else either. No “play it for me every day in a private concert for all eternity, bwahaha!” type deal, okay? Just once more, no strings attached.” He said, holding his hands up. I eyed him, still suspicious. None the less, there was no way in hell I was going to play that again- especially with an audience. “And if I say no?” He put his hands in his pockets and shrugged. “Trust me, you find me annoying, but I know a lot of people.” He stepped a little closer to me, slowly, sauntering, casually. I scowled at him. “This isn’t something that’s fucking funny to me. It’s serious-”  
“And that’s why I want to hear it.”

My everything stopped. He wanted… To… To see the painful part of me… He wanted me to show him… My body was so angry it was numb. I couldn’t even clench my fists I was so angry… “No… I don’t…” He touched the top of the piano, trailing his finger down to a key and he hit one. I could feel the vibrations in the air hit me like a wave. “Honestly, I can obviously tell you don’t like to play it, but like I said, honestly, I hate to listen to it…” I stared, realizing I’ve never heard him sound so serious… His voice was its normal tone, but it was different… Older sounding somehow… He hit another note. I couldn’t help but take a step closer to the piano. He walked around the other side of the piano towards me.

He… Touched me. He had gently took me by my wrist, put me in front of the piano, and just as gently took my hand and put it over the keys. He pressed one down, making me hit a note. “Play me your song, Roxas.” He whispered, calmly into my ear. Dear, god was I shaking? My breathing felt shallow…  
I hit a note, his fingers above mine followed… I hit another, he did the same… I slowly started to play the song I had written. It easily got up to its normal tempo, his fingers never leaving the tops of mine. Jesus Christ they were long… I bit the inside of my cheek as I felt almost all of his body touch the back of mine.  
My face wouldn’t stop flaring… I was so embarrassed and pissed and embarrassed and, oh, god he felt warm… No one had ever touched me without hurting me aside from Sora… I refused to let anyone touch me aside from Sora, and mom was, well, mom. I couldn’t stop that… So the fact that this annoying person who I swore up and down that I hated was touching me, and kindly, made me feel so many things I felt nothing… I finished playing it, his fingers never leaving mine, nor the rest of him moved away from my back.

It was quiet for a minute.

“…I hate the piano.” Wait- did that mean he didn’t like what I wrote? The thought hurt, seeing as he had asked me to play it again… I don’t know why, but it hurt… It was probably because I hadn’t showed this side of myself to anyone of more or less of my own before… “…So, your saying I sucked…?” He laughed and moved his hands to around my waist, gently holding them while barely touching them. “You kidding? It was simply amazing, Roxas. I loved it.” Wait- ugh… He was so confusing. “But you just said you didn’t.” He laughed a little and put his chin on my shoulder. “No. I said I hate the piano. I never said that about your song. You almost make me change my mind about it…” He hates the piano? But he just made me… “Why?” His fingers trailed off of my hips and back onto the piano.

He played songs that anyone could recognize, like Beethoven and such, trailed them together, like it was the most natural thing in the world, and didn’t miss any notes or anything. The end note though, he banged on the keys. “I can play anything that anyone ever wrote, written and is writing,” He said into my ear, his hot breath making me squeeze my eyes closed. “And I hate it.” Huh? “You won’t tell me everything, so I won’t tell you, but you have at least the right to know that, seeing as you showed an obviously painful part of you.” He said, pulling away, hands on his hips and a big grin on his face.

I could tell it was fake.

Why did I realize that? He always gave that smile, so what had changed in this brief moment in the music room to make me realize that? “Well, I was actually headed to another room, but got side-tracked by your awesomeness, so see ya!” He said, waving and walking towards the door. “A-Axel!” I called as he opened the door, causing him to lean it closed a bit. He smirked at me. “Hey, you used my name for once.” My face heated, but I none the less held my ground. “This doesn’t change anything between us, you know!” He grinned and opened the door.

“I know.”

…  
…  
…  
…I hate him… _Yeah that’s why your face is heated and where he touched you still feels like it’s on fire, dipshit…_

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

The assignment I missed in music was to find a song that fitted our lives so far. It couldn’t have any words to it. She had said that if we wanted, if we could find an instrumental of a song, it needed to be for the music, not because of the lyrics. Great. Fun. Kill me now, damn it! I hated this project. Ms. Hikaru said if we wanted to, we could write it, but there was no way in hell I was doing that. No way in any form, manner, matter, way, instant, anything, nothing was I going to write one. Especially after what happened with Axel…

Anyways, it was due before the marking period ended, and we were presenting the last two weeks. How was I going to basically show a class full of people my fucked up life through sound? …I wondered what Sora was going to do for it… She said that if we wanted to, we could explain it, but it had to be written like a song- explaining but not giving away everything; in a sense, teasing. I groaned, Sora looking over at me. “You okay?” He asked. We were currently walking home. “Yeah… Just the music assignment… It sucks.” Sora put his hands behind his head. “I don’t know… I kinda like it. You can just pick and song and don’t have to explain it.” I scratched my arm. “Yeah, but… You know I don’t mind lying, but with music, it’s just…” He nodded.  
“I know. And I also know this project is hard on you.” I nodded. It was quiet minus the scuffling of our shoes on the cement. “Do you know what you’re going to do for it?” I asked him, finding my mind wandering because of the silence into off-limit territory. He shrugged. “Go through all of my music, listen to the actual music part, then if I still can’t find anything, raid yours.” I laughed. “Good luck. I’m so doing that too by the way.” He cheesed at me. “Okay. We can do it together.” I nodded. “Sounds like a plan.” It was quiet for another minute while we walked home. “…Roxas?” Sora asked me. “Hm?” I asked back, not looking at him.  
“Um… Would you be mad if… I um… Liked someone, and that someone was a guy…?” I almost tripped, a doofy, flaming ferret grinning appeared before my mind for an instant before giving me it’s signature two finger salute-wave and disappearing. “W-What? N-No, why though?” Shit… I didn’t mean to ask him why… My mind just got so… Ugh… Would befitted be a good word to use here? Sora’s face flushed. “B-Because I liked someone and it’s a guy…” He was playing with the strap of his bag. “Oh… Who is it?” Swear to god he just swooned. “U-Um… Don’t be mad?” Mad? What? Why? Who was it? “Okay.” He hummed nervously to himself and kept fiddling with his bag. “…R-Riku…”

…Huh? “…Okay.” He looked up at me, face red. “Huh?” I shrugged. “So you like Riku. He’s a good guy- sometimes…” Sora laughed a bit, knowing I was referring to our constant argument. “But if you don’t mind me asking, what brought the realization about?” He tripped and fell, limbs flailing. “Woah! Easy there, tiger.” I laughed and offered him my hand. He grabbed onto it, stood up and brushed himself off. “…Um, don’t get mad?” I nodded. “Sure.” For some reason, I was getting a kick out of this. Did that make me a bad brother? “Um… He, um… No, wait, _we_ um… You see in the hallway, when I was waiting for you to finish getting your assignments and stuff, he um…” I grinned like a cheshire cat; wide and teasing. “Come on Sora, spit it out.” I teased in a sing-song voice. He remained silent, his face redder than anything comparable. “…He kissed me…”

…Woah. I knew Riku was bold but… “It’s not bad right? I mean… I just…” I smiled warmly at him and hugged him. “No. It’s fine. Just don’t go doing anything naughty when your alone with him at his house.” I laughed. His face flared. “…Hey, Roxas?” I released him from the hug. “Hm?” His face remained the same beat red. “Do you like anyone?”

…  
…  
…  
…”Roxas?”

…  
…  
…  
…DAMN THE FLAMING FERRET THAT KEPT INVADING MY MIND AND ALL IT’S TYRANNY INTO THE SEVENTH LAYER OF HELL! DAMN HIM! “N-No. Why?” He shrugged. “Just wondering. That was a long pause for a no though.” Damn it, I hated when he was smart… Still… It’s not like I really liked the guy. He’s just the only one outside of Sora and his friends that I actually talk to, whether I’m going to verbally admit it or not. “Well… You like just girls anyway, right?” I shrugged. “In all honesty, I don’t have time for things like that so I don’t worry about it.” He just eyed me. “…So the other day, in the car, mom was right.”

“DAMN YOU, SORA!”

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

I sighed and plopped down on my bed. It was after eleven and I still hadn’t showered yet… Mom made us clean the entire house after doing over two hours’ worth of homework and missed class work from yesterday. “Ugh… I feel gross…” Sora hummed from his bed. “Me too…” I stared at the dull and boring white ceiling. “You go shower first. I’ll take one after you.” He mumbled something about passing out in the tub before forcing himself up and leaving. I sighed and closed my eyes for a minute, reeking of cleaning products. Don’t fall asleep… Don’t fall asleep…. Don’t… Don’t… Don’t care… Too tired…

I remained half awake and half asleep- meaning I started dreaming about some weird shit.

_“Welcome, Welcome!” It was a circus… A really odd, bright colored circus… with the ringmaster yelling above the loud circus music wearing an all-black trench coat of unique design. “Come inside. You’ll be the new main attraction- but first, please watch the show!” He had a very deep voice and a mask over his entire face, the eyes, his or the mask’s I couldn’t tell, glowing an amber color, almost hypnotizing. He motioned me inside of the tent, and I complied easily enough._

_I was meet with a tall man in the same coat with what looked like scars on his white mask that also covered all of his face- and I mean all of it. There were no spaces for the eyes, just cracks and scars. It scared me a bit… He had a gun, and was hitting things dead target in spite of them moving. I was shuffled along to the next act by unknown bodies that just appeared as white shadows._

_It was a man, the same coat, the mask on his face having nothing distinctive, plain white, but his braids were. He was juggling several large spears in the air each angled to impale him if he missed._

_I was shuffled into a long hallway, the figures disappearing, the door behind me not even remembered as I started down the trail the long red carpet made. I walked for a while, not growing tired. Eventually, I found a help desk. The man behind it had numbers and formulas plastered all over his mask and had the same coat. “Um, excuse me, I’m looking for-”  
“Do I look like I care boy?” He asked me, looking up from his newspaper. The odd part was, before he interrupted my sentence, I actually knew what I was looking for… Dreams are weird like that._

_A door opened from the wall, and I was pulled by two escort girls in clown make-up masks with silver jumpers, moving their lengthy legs in longer steps than needed. They pulled me into another room, where another man in the same exact coat was lifting an entire castle, nothing fake, a real live castle, ripped right out of its foundation, and not even a single bead of sweat was trailing down his brow. His mask was white, but had the complexion of a rock. “Wonderful, amazing, this way if more entertainment is what your craving.” A voice whispered to me from anywhere but nowhere._

_I followed it, no problem. No worries or anything. In my head at the time, it seemed completely normal to me that I was hearing things. The next room was draped in black curtains, adorned with a single man with another white mask. His had a large grin on it and moved whenever I heard his voice. I somehow knew he wasn’t talking, but was projecting his thoughts to me even so. His hair was similar to someone I knew, covering one eye, bangs the other on the mask, but it didn’t register in my brain. He pointed to a door, and I complied, being bathed in bright moonlight and a man leaning over a rail. His mask was constantly morphing to show the ever changing moon phases. He was holding a piece of wood with strings hanging off of it down onto the lower floor, like those on a puppet. I realized by his jerky movements that he wasn’t just a puppeteer. I looked up and saw the ringmaster with the amber-eyed mask controlling him. He put a finger to his lips to sush me and continued working the puppeteer, who was using his own strings on someone else on the lower floor. He motioned to a set of stair after looking at me briefly, which I went down._

_I was meet with a red door with the roman numeral VIII on it. I opened it and was greeted by an immense heat, like walking into an oven, but after seconds I felt fine. There was a spiky red-head with his back to me standing on a giant ball juggling fire. His hair was red, but it looked like the outline of each piece was black- an impossible style to keep for any less than a day at best. I walked around to the front of the ball, and he turned. I tried the other way, and the same happened. “Hey.” I called, which sounded faint in comparison to the music. He turned around towards me. “Yo.” His mask was covering only one of his eyes, but I knew who it was._  
I’d know those endless green fields and that cocky smile anywhere. “What is this?” I laughed at him while he juggled fire. “It’s our group. If you join, we have a special spot for you.” He said, then nodded towards a pedestal, which was illuminated with light from all angles. “And what would I do, exactly?” I yelled to him above the loud ever constant circus music. He grinned at me and jumped off of his ball, throwing all of his flaming sticking in the air and catching them completely normal, like they had never been on fire. He gently took my hand, exactly like with the piano, and lead me over to the pedestal. He helped me up, seeing as it was more than twice my size, and he was unusually tall in my dream.  
“What do you want to do, Roxas?” He asked me once I was on top of it and facing him. He stepped away from me, the crowd of performers joining him in watching me, including several more; a guy playing a sitar held and being played like a guitar made of water, a large blue grin on his mask. A magician with dancing cards, his mask checked like their backs, no face. A guy with pink hair holding a man eating plant, his mask being eaten off of his plant that was cracked like a dying rose. A girl with an evil smile on her mask and petting a poisonous snake wrapped around her neck, two small imps on her shoulders like should angels, but both demons. All of them in the same coat. 

_“Come on, Roxas. You can’t just stand there doing nothing forever and use the excuse your waiting for something to change.” My eyes widened from shock, welled with tears, and my heart stopped. “So what do you want to do, Roxas?” He asked me, his green eyes appearing brighter with how his hair was styled in his face and how it seemed darker in color. “I… I want to-”_

“Roxas. Roxas! Hey, I’m done in the shower, get up.” I jumped up, almost smacking Sora in the face in the process. “Woah! Roxas, watch it.” He said, pouting and pulling on the towel around his neck. “S-Sorry…” I mumbled. He tipped his head to get a better look at my face. “You okay? You were mumbling something in your sleep.” I looked up at him. “I was? What?” He shrugged. “Something about man eating fire stages.”  
…What the hell? All I could do is laugh. How screwed up had my interesting dream I would muse on later came out of my mouth had turned out. “Sorry. It was nothing, don’t worry.” I got up and stripped on the way to the shower, glancing at myself in the hallway mirror half naked. My eyes scanned back and forth at myself.

_”Come on, Roxas. You can’t just stand there doing nothing forever and use the excuse your waiting for something to change.”_  
“So what do you want to do, Roxas?”  
“I… I want to…” 

…What did I want to say? What _do_ I want to do…?

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

I mumbled something about lack of breakfast, my chin resting on the desk. “Hey, sleepy head.” Axel said, sitting down in the chair next to me. “Go screw yourself, dream stalker.” He gawffed at me but couldn’t help but laugh. “ _Dream stalker?_ What the hell, Roxas. Don’t get pissed at me because you miss me so much you dream about me over the weekend.” Damn… I was so tired I just admitted that to him. I jumped up and seriously tried to punch him. He grabbed my wrist, which made me fall forwards, making us both fall onto the floor.  
“Ow… Shit…” I mumbled. I heard people snicker at us. “Aw. You must be tired, Roxas. You can sleep on me if you want.” I smacked his chest and got up off of him. “Go screw yourself.” Even as I said that, I couldn’t help but note his heartbeat. His mouth fell open as he sat up.  
“How’d you know what I did while thinking of you, Roxy?” I growled and jumped him again, causing him to hit his head on the floor. I started wailing on him, semi-serious, while he blocked his face. I only realized after he grabbed my hips to stop me that I was straddling him. “Ah! The fuck, Axel!” I smacked him again, so serious you could hear it, then got up off of him. He laughed and sat up. “Love you, too.” I glared at him. “You’re lucky I don’t backhand your ass.” He chuckled to me. “I wouldn’t care. Compensation for you giving me pleasure on a public school classroom floor.” I flipped him off.

“Now? Jeeze, Roxas, you horny hoe.” I narrowed my eyes at him. “Were you watching a shit load of porn last night and it’s still fresh in your brain?” He laughed and nodded like a crack addict. “No seriously, I didn’t sleep good.” I sighed and sat back down. I honestly didn’t get good sleep all weekend either. I kept having funky ass dreams, kept waking up, and the only one I remembered, and barely, being the one with the circus. I yawned. Axel wrapped his arm around my shoulder. I went to go smack him off, but he grabbed my wrist and started to tell me something in my ear. “-wants to meet you.” I turned to him. “Who?” I asked, not hearing the first part. “Mr. X. We talked to him about you, so he said he wants to meet you.” I narrowed my eyes at him. “We who and about what?” He removed himself from me. “Relax. I didn’t tell him about that. And me and Marly.” He said, sitting back into his chair while the teacher called class to order- or tried to anyways. “We just, ya know. Said we got the same vibe from you that we gave off, so…” He whispered. I eyed him while the teacher started class. “…What vibe?” He turned his attention to the teacher, face in his hand. “Ya know… The “nobody” vibe.”

…”Nobody vibe”? What the hell… The sad part was, I really couldn’t even complain because it was true- I just hated hearing it.

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

I yawned again. “You coming, Roxas?” Sora asked me. I shook my head. “Nah. I’ll hang out in the hallway. You go get lunch.” He nodded while Riku jumped up. “Hold on.” He said brushing himself off. “I’ll go with you.” Sora’s face flared, but he nodded. “O-Okay…” If I wasn’t so tired, I’d make an inside joke, letting him know I knew he kissed Sora. “Have fun.” I mumbled, tired, waving to the pair. Riku’s face heated. Oh, hey I did it! Not as witty as I wanted it to be, but I still did it! Sweet! Riku pushed at Sora’s back a bit to move, and I noticed how once they were basically through the door, they were holding hands, hidden in between them. I smiled while Kairi gave me a confused look. “What?” I shook my head. “Nothing.” She pouted, but opened her bento box and started munching on it. I closed my eyes a bit, hoping for at least five minutes of a nap. I could tell that wasn’t going to happen when my head was pushed onto a shoulder. “Axel fuck off, I’m tired…” I droned. He laughed. “I know. That’s why I did it.” I waved him off with both hands repeatedly like a child and turned to the other side. He grabbed me by my waist and pulled me into his lap. “Axel, I said-”  
He had started whispering something in my ear again. “-Wants to see you if your free right now.”  
“Who?” I asked, turning to him, temporarily forgetting his warmth on my hips. “Mr. X. He says if your free during your lunch he’ll talk to you- but only if you’re up for it.” I nodded. “Alright.” I don’t know if it was because I was going on almost no sleep or what, but I agreed, even though I said I was still thinking it over. I got up, brushed my butt off, and followed Axel down the hallway, calling back to Kairi, “Tell Sora I’ll probably be back later.” She nodded and continued eating. I felt kind of bad leaving her alone but… He made an unnecessary trip upstairs, then back downstairs.  
He walked down a dead end hallway with a classroom at its back wall. “You still there, Roxy?” He asked, laughing. “Yeah, just because this hallway is abandoned so I know this is a good place to kill you and burn your dead body.” He chuckled after he opened the door, the lights in the room off. “Is this before or after you rape me?” I smacked his back, making him yelp- not like, “I just dropped your puppy”, but like, “I dropped your fucking killer kick-ass dog that just ate the neighbors”, yelp. “Ow… Yo! Mr. Mansex, I brought Roxy!” I heard a deep voice sigh. “If he hadn’t just hit you, I would.”  
He cheesed at the shadow, which emerged into a window’s light. He had on a pair of black slacks and black button down shirt, his long silver hair pulled back into a pony-tail. “You still have a head ache?” Axel asked. He nodded. “Yeah… Damn kids.” Axel laughed. “That’s why he’s got the lights off.” He said to me, pointing to the ceiling. I nodded. “So, this is Roxas?” He asked, eyeing me over- with… liquid amber colored eyes… Like in my dream… Freaky shit… I nodded, nervously, shyly. “Alright.” He went over to his desk and pulled out an index card, which he promptly handed to me along with a pen. “I want you to write down what you feel is wrong with your life on this card. Friday, I’ll have a mixture of students here, some potential members, such as yourself, others just as a camouflage. Already existing members will sort out what they define as serious personal issues and try to place the card to the person, along with blank ones if they assume you have nothing wrong. If they give you a blank card, and you have one of the ones that they picked as a serious negative, you’ll be in. No one will know what you write- not even me.” I stared at the card, then looked back up at him. “So… you just mix them in with other cards?” He nodded. “Yes.” I stared back down at the card, then went over to his desk for a hard surface.

Out of all the things I could of written, I picked one word. I could of put a manner of things about wanting to be dead, my only anchor being Sora. I could of put that I was probably going to die from drinking bleach or having too many cleaning chemicals in my system. I could of put how much blood I loose in a month, how little sleep I get, and that I basically starve myself. I could of put that my mother beats my ass and is only using us as maids. I could of put that I have morbid thoughts on a daily basis- but I didn’t. I put one word, folded the card in half and handed it to him, then left, not giving a shit if he really read it or not. In the eye of the public, I had nothing wrong with me. I was just a moody, anti-social teen. That’s all it was.  
There was nothing wrong with me.

Nothing.

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

I yawned. “Ugh… So tired.” I couldn’t wait to get home… It was Thursday and I was ready to kill over. I was just glad the walk wasn’t alone. Sora grinned at me. “Well then stop dreaming about weird stuff.” I pointed a finger at him. “Hey, I didn’t ask an ulterior being to curse me with freaky shit under my eyelids when I close them.” Sora laughed again. “Well you’re in a good mood. Riku give you another-”  
“SHUT UP! And no…” He mumbled, face red. “…He held my hand in lunch today though… Kairi didn’t notice because our hands were behind us.” I nodded. “Yeah, and I bet you guys did the same thing in the lunch line too- don’t think I didn’t see that.” His face turned a brighter red. “Yeah, well, don’t think I didn’t see you sitting on Axel’s lap while he whispered something to you.” My turn for my face to flair. “Shut up! He was just being him. I was trying to nap and he pulled me in his lap.” Sora raised his eyebrow at me. “Uh-huh.” He didn’t believe me! Damn it, fucking flame ferret, your ass is so dead later… “No, really! Swear to fucking mom’s god of cleaning- Mr. Clean!” His eyes widened. “Woah! You’re serious then!” I nodded. “See?” He eyed me over, then left it at that. It was quiet. “You like him though.”

“DO NOT!”

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

“Well I don’t fucking appreciate you calling my kids that, Mouru-san!” Mom yelled into her cell phone. “Um… We’re back.” Sadly… I said as we entered the house, taking our shoes off. She held out a finger to us in a “wait a minute” motion. “I don’t give a flying fuck! That’s like me saying your daughter is a whore! My boys are still virgins- AND their gay- so suck on it bitch!” Oh, god… I need a cheap, female whore and a coupon for her now… Sora’s face flared. “Oh, and if you lose that before me,” I whispered to him. “I’m gonna kill you.” He chuckled. “Gonna be jealous?” I stuck my tongue out at him. “Not if it’s with a guy- and shut up or I’ll tell mom she was right on the munny.” He stuck his out back at me. Mom started pacing. “I don’t give a shit. My boys are good kids and-” She stopped pacing. “I don’t fucking care! Tell the damn boss! He won’t fire me! I’m too good of an employee! So you should be kissing my ass, bitch!” Pause… “…Fuck you!” She then hung up and sighed. “Okay. Hi boys. That was the asshole that made me have that break down the other day.” Well let me curse him out too! The damn Bitch nearly killed me ‘cuse of that mother fucker! “Oh. Um… Am I supposed to know how to respond to that, because I don’t know how to do it correctly.” I said, laughing a little, my nervous honesty. Mom smiled at me. “So, who wants to go out for dinner and save mommy some dishes?” Sora and I both shot our hands in the air at the same instant, making her laugh. “Come on. Go change and wash up a bit.” We hauled our asses upstairs, grateful for restaurants. Still, I prayed in the back of my head that it wouldn’t go bad and have a publicly humiliating scene- like the one that almost happened last time…

Still, when things went right, it was for the best.

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

Mom giggled across from me. “In all honesty, I just really wanted to come here. This place opened up two weeks ago, and it’s been getting good reviews.” Funny, considering it was called “Serpent’s Tongue”. I nodded. “Everything does look good on here.” Sora said, basically drooling next to me. “Well, you can both pick a drink, entrée, meal, and dessert.” Sora jeered while I couldn’t help but let a wide smile out. Normally, it was only a meal, water, and dessert to take home. “Something good happen?” I asked her. Something had to of, because otherwise, she’d just make me or Sora make dinner while she ranted about “This is why people smoke, and I think I should start”, but never would because of the nasty plaque build-up it created on the wall that she learned about. Wine was another story…  
“Oou, Roxas! Look at the wine they have here? Doesn’t it look good?” She asked me, turning her menu towards me. Speaking of which… I skimmed it and nodded. She’s let me have wine before. Sora didn’t like alcohol, sweet or not. I only got one glass, and it was after I got a one hundred as a marking period grade in all of my classes. She had took us both out to eat, let me pick a wine, ordered it for herself, then let me drink it. “That one looks good.” I said, pointing to a green one. It looked like a margarita. Mom turned it back to her and looked at it. “Ooouu… That does look good…” She bit her thumb nail, and continued to look over the alcohol. “Hi. I’ll be your waitress today. You know what you want to drink yet?” A girl asked, sounding fairly pissed for no reason. She had blonde hair that was slicked back except for two parts of her bangs, making it look like she had antennas, piercing blue eyes so cold they could melt ice. She was in male waiter attire, screw female. (That’s the vibe I got from her anyway.)

“Boys?” Mom asked, hoping we already knew. Sora nodded. “Yeah. One of these.” He said, showing her the menu. I had no idea what I wanted yet, and I didn’t want anything bad to happen, so I nodded. “Same.” She wrote it down and looked over at mom, praying the old lady in front of her would hurry the hell up. “Um…” Mom waved her hand. “Just get me some of whatever you’d recommend for wine.” She nodded and walked away. “Be back in a minute…” She growled.  
Swear to god if I was an anime character, I’d have a nervous swiggle smile with a sweat drop on the back of my head… “Well she was pleasant…” I mumbled. Sora laughed a little. “Well then shut up and know what you want to eat, so when she comes back, she won’t eat you alive.” Mom said, a playful smirk on her face. I laughed and nodded, skimming the menu. “I’ll probably get whatever Sora gets if I still can’t decide when she gets back.” Mom waved me off. “Oh- don’t be such a copy pussy.” Copycat. She meant copycat… I had just pissed her off in spite of her “good-mood tone”… Fuck. “Right. Sorry.” I said, faking my earlier light-hearted tone. She waved me off. “It’s okay.” She didn’t look at me… Fuck, fuck, fuck… This was not going to end well. You’d think that after putting up with her for all of our lives, we’d learn what to say and what not to say, but all we learned was when we fucked up. I panicked, thinking if apologizing would make it better… No. I should just get something different from Sora and not look like I bull-shitted it… For now I needed to get her mind off of being pissed at me.

“So, uh… Mom, how was your day at work?” Her eyes scanned the menu still. “Terrible.” She said, a light tone in her voice. She still didn’t look at me. I glanced over at Sora and saw his wide, pleading eyes just begging me to shut the fuck up- but in a kinder Sora-like tone without the cursing. “R-Right…” I mumbled, glancing at the menu. Chicken, burger, sandwich… Fuck I had no appetite, but if I didn’t eat, she’d think it was because I couldn’t think of what I wanted, thus, instead of leaching off of Sora’s interest in dinner, I tried not to by just not eating… Fuck… Fuck… Shit, bitch… Damn it, I’m so dead… I was internally having a damn panic attack while my head couldn’t concentrate on picking a damn entrée. Fuck…

“Here’s your shi- er, drinks.” The waitress said, basically attacking the table with our glasses. I was surprised they didn’t crack or break… “Okay~!” Mom said, smiling big. “Do you know what you want for an entrée or main meal yet, Roxas?” Sora nodded me on so slightly that only I noticed because I had looked at him. “Uh, y-yeah… The fries here and that.” I said, pointing to whatever the hell my finger landed on. She leaned closer to my menu and raised an eyebrow, but shrugged. “Alright, kid.” She said, writing it down. “You two?” She said, turning to mom and Sora. “Um… Just the soup with the ziti.” She said, a smile on her face. Shit, that was the calm before the storm smile. I could tell because she closed her eyes when she did it. She’d do it for a long time, then open them to reveal every weapon in the book as well as the end of the world- you know, every volcano erupting at the same time, sea levels rising, the poles switching positions, continents falling into the sea, no ozone layer, or any other shit-faced theory one could think of- all usually directed at me. “I want the chili fries with a burger.” She nodded, scribbling it down and walking away. Mom watched her walk away, directed her smile at me, then opened her eyes. Swear to god they flashed red… Somebody shoot me and maim me, I just fucked this night over…

“So what’d you get?” Mom asked me. She knew I had just panicked. “It’s a surprise.” I lied. She narrowed her eyes at me. “Is it?” I nodded. “Yeah. I thought it’d be fun to guess what I ordered, kind of like a waiting game.” She leaned back in her chair. “Okay.” She said. She looked over the menu, eyes scanning. “I bet… It’s the same damn thing as Sora.” I saw Sora’s shoulder twitch. “What about you, Sora dear?” She asked, looking at him with her devil’s psychotic glare. “U-Um… I-I don’t know.”  
“Oh, come on. You have to guess. It’s part of the game Roxas just spontaneously made up to save his ass.” shit, Shit, SHIT! I gulped, it sounded louder than intended. “So, guess something, Sora.” She coaxed. Sora quickly wiped open a menu and scanned it. “U-Um…” He stuttered. He was sweating, I could see it. Shit, I’m so sorry, Sora… “U-Um, the chicken alfredo.” He said, finally. At least it was in the remote area of where I pointed… She hummed and nodded, then stared at me, eyes still red, but covered with her usual blue eyes. Sadly, we both shared the same color eyes as her. Mine probably showed the red behind them a lot more than Sora’s if his ever even did…

…  
…  
…

…The silence was going to kill me- that or the look in my mother’s eyes, whatever came first. “…Your such a little bitch, you know that, Roxas?” She said after a while. I bit my bottom lip and stared at my lap. Yeah, I was because I didn’t have the balls to kill your ass yet… “Sorry…” I mumbled, barely audible. She scoffed at me and crossed her arms. “I thought Sora was the bitch. At least he’s outright about it. You on the other hand hide it, making you even more so.” I bit my lip. I couldn’t take the tension from across the table, yet alone if I was sitting next to her like Sora was… Sora was strong in so many ways, he really was.

“…Here ya go.” The waitress said, slapping plates down onto the table. Sora and I jumped. She had just scared the shit out of us! We were so enveloped in our own quaking bubbles, we didn’t even see her. She gave Sora his chili fries and his burger, mom her ziti and soup, and finally, me my fries and…  
The waitress let a large grin splay over her expression. “Enjoy~!” She snickered, then burst into laughter. Mom, Sora and I all stared at the plate she had just put in front of me. Mom burst out laughing. “Well, I guess you really didn’t just bull-shit the game. Sorry for doubting you.” She said, still laughing. “…But you do realize that by ordering that, you’re a pussy-ass-bitch of a whore, right?”

Fuck me…

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

I sighed. Friday… Woo… Meaning I have to fucking clean like a maniac when I get home. Everyone else usually looked forwards to Fridays, I hated them. I couldn’t wait for Mondays. That meant school, meaning I got my ass out of this psychotic, tense house. I yawned, stretching, causing Sora, who was next to me, to yawn as well. We were currently walking to school together. After we turned this corner, Riku and Kairi would be there waiting for him.

“Hey, Sora!” Kairi called, bum rushing him in a hug. Yup. Good ol’ Kairi… “Gya! Kairi!” Sora said, shocked. Honestly, she was too energetic in the morning for my taste… Then again, so was Sora. “S’up, douche?” Riku greeted me before Sora. “You anxiety levels, emo.” He smirked at my quirk and nodded, meaning I had that one for now. “Hi, Sora.” He said to him. “Hi.” Sora said, smiling at him, making Riku stare, slightly surprised for some reason known only to him, then melted into a smile as well. It was cute… It was kind of nice being able to read the mood between them. It was so light and airy, yet strong and kind. I was almost envious- almost.  
“Alright, let’s go.” I said, starting to walk again, seeing as Kairi’s attack hug had temporarily halted us. Sora quickly caught up with me, Riku taking two strides with his long legs and catching up to Sora, Kairi doing a slight jog as to not be left behind. “So, do anything interesting yesterday?” Riku asked both of us, yet neither of us at the same time. Sora giggled a little. “Shut up…!” I said, elbowing him. That just earned me more giggles that turned obnoxious chuckles. “Sora, I swear to god-”  
“What?” He laughed. “I didn’t say anything.” I glared at him. “You may as well have.” Kairi looked back and forth between us. “Okay, now you’ve got to tell me.” Sora’s grin got huge. “Sora,” I warned, “I swear to god I will end you.” Sora giggled, then dashed behind Riku, yelling, “Roxas ordered the girliest thing off of a menu at this restaurant!”  
“SORA!” I yelled, trying to grab for him. “It had sparklers, and was nothing bit pink stuff! It looked like and edible pink cloud of rainbow-girlyness!” Riku burst out laughing while we played death-tag around him. “Go “girl power!” Right, Roxas?” I growled.

“SORA!”

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

I groaned, putting my head down on the desk. “Okay, what’s wrong, Roxy. More funny dreams about my ass?” I swatted him away. “I’m like, seriously not in the mood, Axykins.” His eyes widened. “ _AXYKINS?!_ The _hell_ did that spawn from?” I giggled, turning my head so I could look at him, but never took it off of the desk. “I think it makes you sound like the fruit cake you are, so… Yeah. That and make me feel better about myself for various reasons.” He raised an eyebrow, but shrugged. “Hey, I’m cool with it. Long as I get to call you “Roxy”.” He said, a smirk on his face. “Fuck off, Axel.” He chuckled. “Hey, fair is fair.” I rolled my eyes and turned my head back to stare at my desk top. “No, seriously, don’t. I feel like a big enough fag after the blunder I pulled yesterday.” He quirked an eyebrow. “What’d you do?” I shook my head. “Nothing… It’s too embarrassing.” He hummed and held his chin in his hand. “Aww…” He obviously wanted to know, and I wasn’t going to tell him. It was quiet between us, the chatter of everyone else a hum today. “So, it’s Friday and all, so,” He started. “No. I don’t know what you’re trying to do or where you’re convince me to go to, but no.”  
“…I was just going to remind you about Mansex’s thing today. If I were to try and ask you out, I’d be more awesome about it. Get like, fireworks and sparklers or something.” I groaned, lifting my head up, just to slam it back down on the desk.

“What’d I say?”

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

I had told mom in a text during lunch that I’d be home a few minutes later because of this group thing for after school. It wasn’t definite, so I wasn’t going to entertain her with details yet- though, I said it in a more kiss-ass way. Most people would classify it as “loving”, though.

I was the last to enter the room.

“Hey, took you long enough, Roxy.” Axel said, waving to me. I ignored him and left my bag in the pile of other ones. “Alright, now that everyone’s here, let’s begin. Would anyone like me to verify the test again?” I looked around, no one raised their hand or replied. “Alright. I’ll start by reading them out loud-”  
“Hey, woah! You never said you were going to do that!” A guy with brown hair that was in his face panicked. Mr. Xemnas turned to him. “No, I just said no one would know if it was yours or not.” I raised my hand. “Then how would you know if we’re lying or not?” He smiled at me. “I know which of you are duds, and I highly doubt you want to be labeled with someone else’s issue, which everyone in this room would know of.” Point… I remained quiet. “Alright. I’ll now continue. I find it entertaining to kill small animals.”

…What the FUCK?! I was in a fucking room full of sick psychos! If they didn’t label that as severe, then they were even more fucked up! Mr. Xemnas gave the card to the group. I noticed the blonde waitress from the restaurant the only girl among them. Oh, shit… Marluxia, Axel- obviously-, Zexion, and Saïx were there among other’s I didn’t recognize, yet somehow felt familiar with. The chalkboard was split into two, one side labeled “Severe” the other “Lesser Severe”. Zexion shrugged. “I don’t think it’s an issue. This can be treated with psychiatrist or drugs.”  
“Say they can’t get to them.” An older man said, slightly a ways from the group. “Oh, I’m Mr. Vexen, by the way. Some of you might have me for science.” Nope. Thank god, he looked like a creeper… “Well,” Zexion mused, holding his chin in his hand. “That’s no excuse.” Marluxia said, sounding pissed. “If you feel as though your fucked up like that, the school as councilors, who can at least give you the number or a real psychiatrist if you feel uncomfortable talking to them.”  
“But, seriously guys…” Axel said, scratching the back of his head. “What if the person finds a little kid that reminds them of a hamster or something? Hell, I know Roxas reminds me of a cute hedgehog.”

“Fuck off!” I hissed at him from across the room. He smiled, but didn’t look at me. “Anyway, my point is, if this escalates, whoever looks like that damn cute ass hamster is going to end up dead.”  
“It could be for a scientific reason.” Mr. Vexen posed. “Scientific or not, I don’t care.” The blonde waitress from the other day said. What was her name again… Larshene? Something with a fucking L… “It’s not like he’s getting off on it, so it’s fine. If he were, then we’d have issues.” Zexion nodded. “Okay. Lesser Severe then.” Everyone else nodded. Well, at least we got to hear how they got that consensus, but still, that’s…

Mr. Xemnas picked another card at random. “My father is a drunk that abuses me. I’ve told several people, but they don’t listen to m-”  
“BULL SHIT!” She screeched, slapping it on the “Lesser Severe” side. Her bang’s shadow cast over her eyes. “Bull shit…” She mumbled again, removing her hand from the index card. She looked up at us and glared, obviously pissed at whomever’s card that was.

It continued on like that, Mr. Xemnas picking a card at random and reading it, the group talking about it, then putting it on one side of the bored. This went on until they reach my card. Mr. Xemnas studied it, almost curious. “Nothing.” He stated simply. Everyone just looked at him confused while my stomach churned. “Like, it’s blank?” A blonde with a mullet asked. Mr. Xemnas shook his head. “No. It literally says “Nothing”.” He said, handing it to them, which was promptly received by Zexion. Axel looked at the card, then glanced up at everyone in the group. I knew he was looking at me though… He knew I didn’t want to do this, nobody vibe or not… He might of known just by instinct and hypothesis… “How exactly would we go about this one? Would it not count if we gave this person a blank- same way it would if we gave the person the one that belonged to them?” Axel asked. Mr. Xemnas thought for a moment. “That seems reasonable.” Mr. Xemnas said, nodding to himself. Axel looked over at the card, then shook his head. “I don’t care what the rest of you or anyone else says. That’s severe, end of story.” Marluxia leaned up against the wall and nodded. “Yeah. They wouldn’t of been picked otherwise. This isn’t a game, and if they’re that closed off about it, then their worse than Zexy.” Zexion glared at him. “You can’t even argue with me, so shut up.” He scolded, making Zexion avert his gaze back to the card. Saïx nodded. “Yeah. Severe. Any objections?” He asked the group. No one said anything.

“…What the hell?!” I yelled. Everyone looked at me. “Nothing is severe, while fucking killing small animals isn’t?!” I yelled, stomping my foot. A blonde girl next to me made a face and shrunk into herself a bit, saying she agreed but I was being too loud about it so I was probably scaring her… Some other kids started making small comments to one another, agreeing in a large overview, it was a bit weird… Which in turn would make them question if they really wanted to be here or not… I didn’t care if everyone thought I was being immature and a kid. “Roxas,” Axel started, looking pained. “No, you shut up! That’s bullshit! If that’s how you guys operate, I’m fucking out.” I hissed, grabbing my bag and headed for the door. “ROXAS!” Axel yelled at me.  
The way he did it scared me… I stopped, mid-reach. He had sounded so serious, authoritative, and not his usual “laugh it off” self. That part of him wasn’t present in anyway… Finding out the true nature of a person… I realized that scared me as much as admitting my own issues. If that was the real Axel, the one that just scared me like this… I didn’t want him anywhere near me… “The “way we operate” is if we think that outside forces can get that person help, or if it’s too bad to not be able to. That “Nothing” card, means that this person is fucked up. They think it’s all okay, or they keep telling themselves it’s going to be. They don’t realize that if they have an issue, that it’s _okay_ to admit to having one.” I let my bangs cover my eyes. “Don’t sit there and say that like you know the person or their circumstances…” I said, arm falling away from the door. “Maybe they really have nothing wrong and got picked by accident. And even then, all you’ve got to get them to do is talk, and shouldn’t the “outside” be able to do that?” I said, turning to him. His eyes studied me, and he stormed over to me, grabbing my arm so hard I knew it would bruise. “Ow! Axel let-”  
“We didn’t pick you by accident.” He whispered in my ear so quietly I almost didn’t hear him. My body stopped and me eyes widened. Everyone just stared at us.

He knew… He knew that was my card… Fuck… I wanted to cry… He let go of my arm and just stared at me. I let my gaze wander to the floor, not a smart move considering my eyes were full of salt water. “I’m taking Roxas out in the hallway for a second. We need to talk.” He said coldly, yanking my arm like was still pissed at me. I followed, dragging my feet like a breathing doll, nothing else. Nothing… The fucking irony of what I had written on that card came back to bite me in the ass… I wonder if they wouldn’t of considered it if I had put something else… Axel shut the door behind us. “Alright, let’s pretend we’re talking about something while you calm down… Jeeze I need a smoke- I hate when I do it, but I need one…” He mumbled. I looked up at him. “…You smoke?” I asked, that part of his small rant the only thing reaching my ears. He sighed. “I just said I hated when I did…” I shook my head, attempting to dry my tears up without drawing too much attention to them, and mumbled an apology, staring back down at the floor. “H…How did you know it was my card?” I asked him after a moment of numbing silence, admitting to it. He shrugged. “Your just… You. You talk to me all of the time, but never really tell me anything. I guess that’s why I like you… You do the same thing as I do…” I needed to calm down… _Now_. If I didn’t, I was going to fucking start a sob fest all like the one I almost just had.  
The only one who ever saw me cry was Sora, I haven’t cried since we were twelve, and that was only because- oh, god… Music, NOW… I took out my ipod and quick skimmed it as I put the ear buds in, just wanting something to distract me.  
“…He made a speech to the people  
“Keep it clean”  
Oh, if it was easy I wouldn’t be here now  
No one held their hand out to me  
Nor did I want to take it…”

I sat down on the floor and pulled my knees up to my chest. Axel sat down next to me. “…Don’t do that…” He said, pulling me in between his legs and onto his into his chest. “You look like a scared kid…” He said to me. “…I am a scared kid…” I mumbled back; I never got to see the hurt look on his face as I said it. Yeah, I fucking wanted out of our house, but what happened after I actually got it? Would I be so fucking paranoid about everything that I would never allow Sora to leave me? Shit, that thought scared me… Even if I didn’t do it intentionally… If I took awful care of myself, whether I meant to or not, he’d come over and not leave until I was okay… That’s how he was and I knew it… I’d be manipulating the both of us against my deepest will… Or maybe that was just what I wanted on the surface and actually wanted him to need me as much as I needed him… Shit…

“What?” Axel asked me. I looked up at him. “Huh?” I asked, blinking away water. Was not about to do this girly shit, nope. “You said “shit” just now.” He said, calm eyes studying me. I didn’t like that… I lowered my gaze. I wanted them to be laughing like they always were… “…Did I?” He nodded and hugged me. “It’s okay…” He mumbled.

No, it’s not, and it may not ever be- but the lie was a nice thought…  
About as nice as his warmth felt right now, but never in a million anything or nothings would I ever tell anyone that. I’d even wipe this memory from my head as to so I didn’t do anything to feel it again. If I had to, I’d do that with the rest of my awful memories, even if it killed me…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> End A/N: Yeah, Roxas was playing the piano part of his theme.  
> Matt Stone and Trey Parker are the writers for South Park.  
> “I need a cheap, female whore and a coupon for one now…” Yeah. The happy song. XD “Like a coupon for a twenty dollar whore”  
> The song on Roxas’ ipod this time was “Darkness is Always Next To Me” by Shuhei/Shoohey, whatever you prefer to spell it as. (Although, in terms of correct romaji, it’d be the first one although it’s done as the second for some reason... I no likey… Band still good though.)


	4. The Thing About Living Is

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “ _What would you prefer to be called? “Little shit” or “maggot”? I prefer maggot, because at least it’s alive._ ”  
> Cathrine; regent-haired sheep/Todd.

Chapter IV: The Thing About Living Is

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

Being an empty nothing hurts. As a vegetable, you don’t have to worry about anything- but Being an empty nothing still requires you to live. I realized that once I walked back into the classroom after I had supposedly “calmed down”. I feigned like I was currently feeling nothing, no readable expression on my face, but I was a mess inside. I wanted to vomit from nervousness, smack everyone and tell scream at them that “I just didn’t have a mini-panic attack, what the fuck were they talking about? Psh.”, Attack my feelings and burry myself inside of them contently once I realized and admitted what they were. But, outwardly, I was nothing. Nothing like my card. Nothing like the air, yet it still was managed to be defined…

“Are you okay?” Mr. Xemnas asked me. I nodded once, putting my bag back into the pile. “Go for it.” I said, sitting on the top of a desk. He nodded. “We will now proceeded with handing out the cards and the blanks. The members are allowed to ask you only one question and give you only one card.” He took a step back and nodded to the group. Honestly, I kind of expected them to each take a card and for slight chaos to ensue as they ran around trying to give us one, attempting to sneak two questions or something, but it was actually very orderly and one at a time-ish. Finally, Axel, oddly considering they were going in order of the number of order that they joined, came over to me and asked me a question, each of the remaining cards in his hands. “Do you live with your father?” He asked me. I shook my head. “Just my mom.” He nodded and looked through the cards. He was taking his sweet ass time… He should of already had the “nothing” card set aside for my as-  
I read the card and looked up at him. He was just giving me this look… Almost sad or regretful… Axel… He walked back over and handed the cards to the next person and so on until they were done.

“Alright. Would my duds please step out.” A shit-load of goth and punky looking kids moved away from the group. “Thank you for your cooperation. I look forward to seeing you in class. The extra credit will be added to the grade book.” The kids nodded and waved or whatever then left after giving him the cards back. “Now, would those of you with blanks please leave?” Some kids almost looked disappointed. That left not that many of us in the room… “Us” meaning I was still there… “Now, if you have your own card and if you don’t feel like reading it out loud, you may leave if you wish.” Mr. Xemnas said. Several kids left after giving him their cards. He looked at me first for some reason. “Would you please read your card?” I nodded, shaking. “..I have a tendency to have severe panic attacks and mental break downs that have put me in need of serious medical care on various occasions.” He nodded. “Is that your card?” I shook my head. He motioned for me to come to the opposite side of him. There were only three other kids besides me left, and none of the cards we’re theirs. “Alright. We’ll break you down to one next time, okay?” Mr. Vexen said, almost sounding literal in the “breaking down” part of his sentence. “So you can all get out after we write your names down.” He said, waving us off. “You can go home, Roxas.” Marluxia said to me. “I’ve got you covered.” I nodded to him and thanked him, heading for the door. “Roxas, wait. Let me walk you home as an apology.” Axel said, trotting after me. “No thanks. I’m fine. If you really want to apologize, just let me walk home by myself.” It sounded cold, but in my head, it was because of mom. I just didn’t want him meeting that psycho bitch, and then, as much as I hate to admit it, stop talking to me… In his, it must have been he thought I was pissed at him. I realized that after I looked back at him. I bit my lip. “I’m not mad at you. I just don’t want you being a stalker.” I joked, hoping to fix the issue without addressing it. He got the message and nodded. “Alright. I’m still going to officially make it up to you later though.” I rolled my eyes. “Sure, an excuse to stalk me. Great job.” I said, sarcastically. He grinned largely at me. “I know, right?” He replied, playing back. At that moment I realized that the both of us were doing nothing but passing a garbled message back and forth off of our personal barriers. It was almost painful… Almost.

I left, taking out my cell phone. It rang three times before she picked up. That meant she was right next to the phone then. Desperation said that people pick after one ring, but she was angst, so she waited three as if to play it off, but I lived with her, so…

“Hello?” She asked. “Hey, mom it’s me. I’m done.”  
“Okay. See you soon.” She replied, and hung up. Simple, quick, easy, no false “I love you”’s attached. Once I was at an exit door, I saw it was raining a bit. I reached into my black and white checkered satchel bag to get an umbrella, but couldn’t find it. I opened the flap up and searched, finding nothing. Shit. I tipped my bag upside down and ran my hands through my things. Fuck, fuck, fuck… If I came home a sopping mess, mom was going to beat my ass… Maybe it fell out of my bag when I was having my bitch-fit… I promptly shoved all of my things back into my bag, figuring I’d fix them latter, and headed for the class room. I raised my hand to knock, and I heard them talking. Yeah, I know, eaves dropping is so not cool, but… Normally I don’t even consider it yet alone do it, but I just stopped and listened for some reason…

“…I’m telling you guys, he’s was the nothing card…” He told them my card… What my card had on it was supposed to be a secret, and there he was telling all of them… It made me wonder if he would tell them if I ever actually told him what the issue was… “You cheated, then.” Marluxia. “N-No!” Axel, followed by a deep sigh. “Axel, you do realize we’re going to not be able to consider him now.” Mr. Xemnas. “You can’t do that! He needs this group, I can tell!”  
“Coming from the one who annoys him? Am I the only that noticed that he avoid the topic of actually saying yes to coming today?” Zexion. “Then just push him extra hard in the next part! You can’t do this!” Axel being a winy bitch on my behalf… “Yes, we can. He should be disqualified because you figured it out and didn’t give him the correct card.”  
“HOW THE FUCK DO YOU KNOW THAT WASN’T PART OF HIS REAL ANSWER?!”  
Silence. …What the hell did he mean by “real answer”? “…Axel-”  
“No. Shut the hell up! He’s fucking playing charades- just like me! To have to fucking put up with that alone is… Damn it…”

Fuck the umbrella, I’m going home…

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

“…ROXAS WHAT THE FUCK?!” Mom smacked my soaking wet cheek, turning my paled skin a painful red as it stung more than needed from the water. She continued to smack me in various spots as I calmly striped of my sopping wet clothing. I ignored her, my ice-cold skin making her hits feel like pin pricks. Thousands upon thousands of pin pricks… Once I was done, I walked into the bathroom and briefly showered. Once I got out, she smacked me again and told me I wasn’t allowed to leave my room for the rest of the night since I thought coming home like that was cool. I didn’t argue my point. I just nodded and trudged upstairs. I dried off really well and put on pajamas and buried myself under my blankets.

…It was quiet….

“…Roxas…?” I peeked my eyes out from under the covers to look at him. He just stared at me, taking in the sight of me, then rushed over and hugged me. “…You were crying.” I shook my head. “No….” I denied, my throat sounding raw. “Yeah, you were, don’t lie to me…” I shook my head again and sat up. “No. Just yelling…” I said, my throat sounding like I had swallowed a tiny, ferocious bear that had clawed away at the insides of it. He knitted his eyebrows. “Roxas…” He hugged me again and I let him, to numb to even hug him back. “…I’ll be good tomorrow. I just need some sleep…” He nodded, not letting me go, his grip tightening. “Promise.” I lied to him, gently pushing him away. He stared with big, blue, worried eyes. By lying to him, it was easier to lie to myself. I kept chanting to myself like some sadistic, one-man cult the lies I would give him, assuring myself that if I didn’t believe it, neither would he, thus seeing through my farce. So, tomorrow, I’d be fine.

I’d be fine tomorrow.  
Tomorrow, I’d be okay.  
Once dawn broke, I’d be all good.  
Once the night ended, I’d be just like new.

Word it in as many ways as I can- makes you think real hard about it so you trust it.

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

Sora was packing some things to go stay at Riku’s house. I was currently raiding my music so I could somewhat bullshit the project for Ms. Hikaru. It was Saturday, best day ever, woopie… At least Sora got to leave, although the tension would build between me and mom. “No doing the no-no.” I scolded in a pretend mom voice. It sounded awful, considering I sounded like a horse decided to sit itself inside of my throat, lodge itself there, and take a shit. Yeah, nasty sounding, right? Sora scoffed. “Right. Coming from the one who dreams about porno magazines.” He ridiculed. My face heated. “Hey, that was one time! Damn it, I knew I shouldn’t of told you that…” I mumbled. He laughed at me and wrapped his arms around my neck, looking over the CD I was currently holding. I currently had all of my music out on our floor, ready to be put away if I wasn’t going to review it. I knew I was going to get sidetracked by a lot by songs I liked, and I also knew I wasn’t going to find what I wanted right away. It was all alphabetized in spite of the whopping mess it appeared as.  
“…I forgot we even had this CD.” He said, taking it from me to inspect it. “Yeah, me too. I’ve got too much shit. I figured I’d also clean it out while doing this. I’ll leave stuff I don’t want for you to look through.” He cheesed at me. “Want this?” He asked, waving the CD back and forth. “Sora, give me my fucking Journey CD.” He chuckled as I snatched it back. They signed it and everything! Like fuck I’d give it to him, even if I stopped listening to them- which would be after I died, and even then they’d have to bury me with it. I didn’t listen to them as often as the crap I managed to cram onto my ipod, no, but I still liked them. They gave me a feel of nostalgia. The same for lots of other music I had. Now, I know some of you are like, “what the fuck fag!” But you can kiss my sexy ass! Everyone has shit that they like that one person or another will make fun of them for. And for those of you that went, “Fuck yeah, Journey!” Kudos to you and your pet rock.

Sora went back over to his bag. “Okay, got my night clothes, clothes for tomorrow, tooth brush, the video game Riku want to borrow… Ugh, what am I forgetting?”  
“Lube.” I said calmly and monotone, but sounding like I was choking on something considering, placing it in his little list of things perfectly. “Oh, yeah! Lu- ROXAS!” I laughed obnoxiously at him while he tried to pummel my face. “Your fault!” I laughed at him, sounding like a dead dog. He turned his back on me and crossed his arms, his cheeks puffed up making him look like a chipmunk. “Oh, stop it.” He turned around to glare at me. “You said no doing the no-no, then you go saying that!” I snickered at him. “Oh, let me have a joke or two.” I said, waving him off. He sighed and put his chin on my shoulder. “You suck…” I chuckled at the double meaning of those words, and decided to let it slide. I’ve tormented him enough already today and he hadn’t even left yet.

“…Hn? Hey, you have every album by them, don’t you?” he said, picking up the Phobia album for Breaking Benjamin. “Yup.” I personally found the singer so cool, it made me go “Damn can I be you or at least share the same amazing package you got going on that gets you all that ass?” Sora hummed and turned the album over to look at the tracklist. He chuckled. “Bro, if I didn’t know you, I’d say you were a total emo.” I scoffed at him. “You know Riku and you can call him an emo.” He put my CD back. “No. He’s not. Just because he listens to hard rock and metal doesn’t make him-”  
“A pussy ass bitch that cuts himself?”  
“ROXAS!” He wined. I laughed and waved him off again. “Kidding!” I said. “No, you weren’t!” I shrugged. “So? His pussy ass is trustworthy enough to watch yours.” That was true enough. I trusted him with Sora. He narrowed his eyes at me and opened his mouth, but a deeper voice came out of his throat. “I don’t appreciate you calling Sora a pussy, Rock boy.” I turned around to the silver head. “S’up, Riku. I’m surprised mom let you in.” He shrugged, also finding it odd considering every time he’s come over, he’s had to wait outside for Sora. He’s never really been inside aside from a few times. Mom’s paranoia kept almost everyone out of the house besides us. “Well you sound sick.” I nodded, figuring it would be best to just let him think that, but I knew Sora would tell him once they were alone- I didn’t mind all too badly.

“Alright. You done yet, numb-nut?” He asked, turning to Sora. Sora nodded. “Yup.” Riku walked over to him and took his bag. “Oh, so the emo fag can call you a non-working testi, but I can’t call you gay- which you kind of are?” Riku swung Sora’s bag over his shoulder. “Pretty much.” Sora trailed Riku like a puppy. “Bye, Roxas.” He said, waving to me. “Later.” I said, waving back. “Oh, and Riku, sorry to disappoint, but I told him he couldn’t do the no-no with you.” Riku snapped his fingers. “Damn it, and I really wanted to finger-paint to…” I chuckled and shook my head. “Get out of my house.” Sora waved to me again and trotted after Riku.

I went back to looking through my music for a bit before mom came into my room. I swear to god she looked like she was going to murder me because of how unorganized it looked. “…I’m going shopping. Be sure to clean up the kitchen while I’m gone.” I nodded, putting a CD back on the rack. “Okay.” She remained in the doorway for a bit then left. “I’ll call the house phone when I’m on my way back.” She said from the hallway. “Okay.” I called back to her. I waited impatiently like a kid who had to vomit in the middle of class and some other kid was taking a shit in the only bathroom, no trash can for a hundred miles. Once I heard the front door close, I waited about twenty minutes before doing anything, just in case she came back for some reason. When she didn’t, I popped in a CD and played it a little louder than I normally would.

“…Tarinai kasha wo tada ume au you ni kimi wo motomete ita  
Fureau yubi ni tuatara setsuna nasa dake wo kaki atsumete…”

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

I look up from a CD case as the phone rang. My heart sank as I looked at the clock. It was two hours after mom and left, and I hadn’t gotten up to even pee. I flew downstairs, cursing things so foul, I was surprised my tongue didn’t fall out of my mouth in a bloody heap. I slid into the living room and snatched the phone off of the charger. “Hey mom.” I said, fast walking into the kitchen. “Hey, Roxas. How do chicken casadias sound for dinner?” I grabbed the sponge and swiped the counters and dining table, brushing the dirt and food specs onto the floor. “Good.” Currently, I was too angst to think about food. I grabbed the broom and quick swept the floors, doing anything I could to clean that didn’t require noise that she could hear. “So is the kitchen done?” Dustpan, dustpan… “Uh, yeah…” It was silent on her end. “…Mom?”

“You’re a bullshit liar, Roxas. Open the front door.” I almost dropped the broom. Oh, shit… “Wha-What?”  
“O-pen. The. Door.” I dropped the phone and ran for the door, wanting to know if she was seriously outside looking in through a window or something, and also because if she was and if I made her wait, I was so fucked even more so. She stood there, all of the groceries outside of the door. She had been there for a while… There was no denying that… She knew… She fucking knew… She reached into a bag and pulled out a brand new skillet. “Get inside.” I shuffled backwards inside, her following with the pan. She closed the door with her foot easily and the tension pushed me into the room I was supposed to have had cleaned forever ago. “So, your pick. My foot up your ass or the damn pan?” I gulped.  
What the fuck… I was internally hyperventilating, externally just breathing fast. “Pick or I’ll do both until you do.” She said, narrowing her eyes. Fuck I didn’t want either… “N-No skillet…” I croaked. She dropped it on the floor, the clatter loud enough to kill me combined with my anxiety, and the second the words left my mouth she stormed over to me and kicked me so hard in my stomach I doubled over, squeaking. “You’ve apparently got a thick head. Let me fix that.” She swung her leg around and kicked me on the side of my head. I groaned while she stepped on my hand. Fuck, she had thick heels on… “When I tell you to do something, DO IT! I’M NOT JUST TALKING FOR MY HEALTH, ROXAS! NOW MY FUCKING SCHEDULE IS SCREWED UP BECAUSE YOU WANTING TO BE AN IGNORANT LITTLE BITCH!” She screamed, grabbing a fist full of my hair and using it to pull my face up to hers. Now, most people would go “oh, fuck that, I’d kill the bitch!” or some shit. Now, a shit load of people just talk big, and if they do it, they’ve got no brains. She’s the type of person where if you hit her back, she’ll fucking beat your ass until you pass out, and then fucking tazer your ass until you wake up, where she will continue beating you- that’s just for one hit back.

…I’d know. She had bought a taser because this guy had tried to hit on her and wouldn’t leave her alone every time she went to this specific store. Let’s just say by the time she was done with me, the battery was dead…  
Because being in the hospital for over a week is so damn cliché in my life, I just covered my face and held still after I recovered from the dizzy spell. I was so glad Sora wasn’t here to see this… It was worse than normal. Wait- Normal? When did I start referring to this as normal? “YOU FUCKING LITTLE BITCH!!!” She drew her foot back and kicked me so hard I swear to god she was trying to shove it through me. I open my mouth, spit flying, and gasped for air with a squeak- the only noise I could make.

This continued on various parts of my body until I passed out.

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

I wasn’t allowed food for the rest of the weekend as punishment. I was currently balled up under my blankets and holding my stomach. It wasn’t exactly a punishment considering the pain. I felt like everything was internally bleeding and vomiting… By Monday, It’d probably feel like that and like the stomach acid was eating away at it…

She had obviously gotten her period this week.

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

When Sora got back Sunday, I felt like I had just fucked his little world over so hard that it died for a minute before some random god decided to resuscitate it.  
“Oh my g- ROXAS!” He yelled dropping his things right where he stood and rushing to my side. I had personally taken the liberty to cover the bruises- which were fucking _EVERYWHERE_ \- thank you mom- and go to the corner store with a limp that made it look like my leg was too damn long and partially shoved up into my fucking stomach to go buy a mother-fucking eye patch because my eye was blacker than a fucking insomniac panda’s. To top it off, I looked like I had fucking scoliosis because of how bad my stomach was hurting, so I was constantly bent over in a retarded C. “Yo.” I said, greeting him from the open window in our room which I was standing in front of. He stopped right in front of me, resisting his urge to just hug me, but he knew it would hurt too much, so instead he just stared me over. I shrugged and turned back to the window.

“She got her period and I forgot to clean the kitchen.” I stated simply. “So, how was Riku’s?”  
“Roxas…” He mumbled, probably not even believing I could just shrug this off so easily and ask him about his best friend, potential boyfriend’s house. “What, I’m good. It happened yesterday, no biggie.” He looked up at me with teary eyes. “…Yesterday…?” Oh, fuck… I hugged him, really wishing I had a house-illegal cigarette even though I didn’t smoke. “Your fine. It had nothing to do with you. She left after you did and told me to go clean the kitchen and I forgot because I was so wrapped up in my music project.” I heard him sniff and sighed, pulling him- limped- over to the bed while never releasing the hug. “I’m so sorry… If I hadn’t of left, I could of reminded you and-”  
“Sora, don’t you dare go spouting shit like that!” I yelled the best I could, considering my throat still hurt and yelling required stomach muscle clenching, and pulled away from him to point a finger in his face. “B-But-”  
“No. No fucking buts, do you hear me? No buts, ifs, ands, how abouts, what ifs, maybes, or ors, got it?” I said, covering all the bases. He held tears back and nodded meekly. “I brought this on myself. So, tell me about Riku’s. What’d you do?”

He sniffed and wiped his tears and told me what it was that two normal teenage guys who hang out do, but I could tell every time he glanced up at me from his lap that he wanted to die of regret. “…And then he drove me home.” I nodded. “Cool.” It was awkwardly silent for an instant. “…Um, are you going to school tomorrow…?” Like that. He avoided adding that to the end of his sentence. I shrugged. “Depends on mom, you know that. I mean, fuck. She made me go when I was supposed to be on bed rest that one time.” He nodded. She had beaten my leg with a fucking sledge hammer that she was supposed to be using to self-fix shit in our basement.

Now, you normal fucks are probably like, “What the hell! Why don’t you go tell on that psycho bitch?” I did. The first time I was nine, and I told my teacher that my mommy smacked me dead in the face with her damned shoe, but with more grotesque detail, and she suspended me for lying about my mother and for foul language, then suggested I get counseling for my fucked up little mind. When I got home, mom whooped my ass. End of story.  
Second time, I was twelve and I told my math teacher, who was the coolest guy ever. I didn’t exactly specify who was getting beat up, or who was doing it, so I kind of stopped believing that he was the best thing ever when I almost got arrested over a _sliiiight_ mix up. Mom promptly beat my ass again and said if I tried to tell again, she’d sew my lips shut, and her sewing skills suck, so it’d hurt like the little bitch I was.  
The end. How was story time?

“I’ll try to talk to her…” I shook my head. “S’fine.” In all honesty, I wanted to go so I could fucking eat. I was starving and I hadn’t eaten since breakfast Friday. Not cool. “But-”  
“Hey! What’s the rule?” I asked, pointing a finger in his face, which he promptly angled at his lap again. He inhaled sharply as if he was in pain. “No crying, anymore…” I groaned. “Please? My mental levels are kind of fucked right now, and I’m normally not an ass about this, but _please_?” He bit his lip. “…I-I’m sorry…” I sighed and flopped back on my bed. “Just think of me as Band-Aid, the pirate…” I grumbled. He couldn’t help it; he laughed. “Band-Aid?” I smirked and sat up. “Yup.” The sheer stupidity must of gotten to him. “You can be bootleg.” He raised an eyebrow. “Why?” Oh, he was too easy… “Because I’m going to pirate your leg like they do boot-leg movies.” He giggled a little and smiled. Ah, dumb pirate jokes… I’ve got a ton of ‘em. “Hey, while your home wanna sneak me some food?”  
He nodded and got up. “I’ll be back in a sec.” I nodded quickly, giving myself a headache. “You don’t know how much of a life-saver you are.” He furrowed his eyebrows and looked pained. Aaaaannnndd I fucked it up again… “S-Sorry…” He shook his head at the second he heard the “S”. “Don’t be. It’s my fault…” I groaned and flopped backwards onto my bed again. I then shoved my face into a pillow and groaned excessively loud again. “Damn it! Can you just shut up with all that and sneak me something to eat? I’m fucking starving! It’s mom’s fault anyway, so let’s go string up the psycho like a witch and move on…” I made my index and middle finger move in a leg walking motion and then crushed them with my other hand, making an ugly retarded face in the process. “There see? I killed her! Now go get meh so grhub!” He bit the inside of his cheeks to keep from laughing, but I could tell he wanted to. He nodded and left. I sighed and walked back over to the window.

Damn it… The bird I had been watching flew away… Lucky…

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

“…I’m not going back to your little group.” Axel turned his head and looked at me. I had pulled him aside during lunch today, which was Tuesday, since Sora convinced mom to feed me and allow me to stay home. I was in a long sleeved, cream turtle-neck sweater with plain jeans on to cover the bruises aside from my eye, which still had the patch on it. My lie was I got smacked in the face accidentally after screwing around with Sora and it bruised.  
It had surprised him that _I_ was the one who wanted to talk to _him_ , but he had eagerly complied. “What?” He asked, laughing nervously. I turned and looked at him. We were both outside, sitting in the grass; I had my knees loosely pulled into my chest while he was lounging about like he owned the lawn. “You heard me. I’m not going back.” He looked sorely disappointed. “Why?” He asked, at a loss. “I already told you I didn’t want to go, yet you made me while I was half asleep the other day, thus making me have to go Friday. I didn’t want to go, nor will I ever.” I told him, my voice sounding harsh and raw still. “But Roxas-”  
“No. I don’t fucking want to. And while we’re talking on a serious note, I’d like it if you could stop comparing us. I’m nothing like you,” Nothing… “And you’re nothing like me.” Nothing… “Got it?” He just stared, not knowing what to say. “Better yet,” I started, realizing the best course of action. “Don’t talk to me again. You piss me off.”  
I stood up and brushed the dirt and grass off my butt. “Oh, and I want my umbrella back. I think I left it in that room Friday.” I walked away, leaving him to stare with wide eyes, lost and confused.

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

“Oh, my god, you look terrible. What happened?” I glared at the older pink-haired teen. I was walking from lunch to my next block class. He was associated with Axel, so there was no way in any hell that I was going to talk to him anymore. “Fuck off.” I said. No shit I looked bad. I looked like I gotten fucking hit with a truck, school bus full of kids, a Centro, a toeing truck, a truck full of rocks, and so on. “Are you okay?” He asked, furrowing his eye brows. “I said fuck off. What’s so hard to understand about that? Go fuck your boyfriend in a damn dumpster or something…” He apparently took offense to that. “Fine. Don’t come bitching to me or Zexion when you need that stick that’s shoved so far up your ass that it comes out your mouth removed.” He hissed and walked away. Well that was _definitely_ a new one. Not like I wanted them to talk to me anyways- I enjoyed my solitude. I had learned to deal without talking to anyone outside of Sora and his friends for my entire middle school life. Hell, they fucked up my streak. Now, I’ve got to go and start all over again…  
“Hey, blondie!” A voice called to me. I groaned obnoxiously and turned around. “What?” I asked the guy who addressed me. He had on a long coat that had no sleeves what-so-ever that gave way to a blue muscle shirt that showed his stomach. Between the baggy purple pants and black beanie hat, nothing about his outfit matched- mom would be ashamed.  
“Hey, don’t you “what” Seifer! He’s the greatest, ya know?” Some mixed kid in a dark orange, no sleeved sports shirt yelled at me. He also had blue sweat bands on with a gaudy necklace with a thick chain around his neck. I sighed. “If your just gonna sit there and boost your egos I’m out.” I turned to leave. “I said HEY! I ain’t even start talking to you yet.” I sighed again and stopped, then turned around on my heel. When he didn’t say anything, I gave him a “what, dumbass?” look. “Twins.” The girl that looked like a slightly tan albino said. The guy called Seifer nodded. “Yeah. You’re Sora’s brother, right?” I stared and nodded slowly. What did these numb-nuts want with Sora? “He’s a little pain in the ass and we got in trouble because of him on several occasions. You look about the same, so, let me give you his “Thank you”.” I sighed- again. Hm, really? I hadn’t noticed…  
“Alright, which one of his classes are you guys from? Gym class?” I asked, remembering how Sora had told me about some jerk. Seifer narrowed his eyes. “Damn straight.” He then decided he wanted to bum rush me and hit me right in my fucking stomach. Now, normally, I wasn’t afraid to pack some punches in school, never was- Especially if it involved Sora. This time though, I had gotten my ass beaten by the devil’s incarnate, and then he had hit me in that same spot. Oh, fuck me… I choked once and fell, flat on the floor.

“Well would ja look at that? Went down like a sack of potatoes.” Swear to _god_ if I ever saw this guy again…! “Hey! Fuck off!” I glanced up to see Seifer getting knocked right in the jaw by some kid with faded, dirty blonde hair that stood up like he was under water with camo pants. “You okay?” Some other kid asked me. He was a bit husky and wore a ton of red. He helped me up using my arm. “Wow you lo- er, sorry… Get into fights often?” He joked. I rolled my arm to take it back from him. “Yeah, every day.” I said sarcastically, which if you think about it was true. My stomach was in so much pain I thought I might vomit. Damn it, if only it magically would fly over to that suckers shoes… “Listen, Seltzer. Try fucking with me when I don’t look like I just got hit by a truck. We’ll see who the real bitch.” I sneered at him the best I could- which was still pretty damn good. I was definitely my mother’s kid… “You little-”  
“Ugh! SHUT UP, ALREADY!” The dirty blonde kid yelled. “This ain’t over, yo!” The mix kid yelled, clenching his fist. “Rematch.” The girl said, turning to leave to catch up with Seifer, who apparently was an all-talk pussy once more people got involved seeing as he was hauling ass. Once he was out of sight, the blonde kid turned to me and cheesed real big. “So, you get hit by cars on an hourly basis or something, cuse you look so screwed up, man!” I shrugged. “That and Setzer looks like a damn punch buggie.” That got him to laugh. “Oh, and it looks like you three have detention.” Said another voice, mocking us. Aaaahhh fuck…

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

“Hayner.” I turned to look at him. “Huh?” He pointed to himself with his thumb. “My name’s Hayner. That food lovin’, hippie of a softie is Pence.” I nodded. “I’m Roxas.” We were currently situated inside of the office, waiting for the relay of what our parents said after they answered the phone or for the phone itself if they wanted to talk to us. Hayner and Pence were already chewed out by their parents, I was waiting for them to call mom. She was either going to be a super psycho or super nice depending on how I worded it and her current mood… “Roxas, we’ve got your mother on the phone.” Ah, fuck… I stood up and walked over to the secretary’s desk and took the phone, which was handed- shoved- to me by the administrator. “Alright, what happened. You’re lucky I’m in a good enough mood to listen to you after what you did.” I leaned up against the desk. “The guy was being a dick and was picking on Sora, then decided to punch me.” I said casually. It was quiet on the other end. “…Did you whoop his ass?” Mom asked, sounding like a gossipy teenager. She could be such a bipolar, temperamental child sometimes. “No. I’ll do it later though. I’m kind of a train wreck right now…” I mumbled, semi-reminding her of the torment she had ensued on me. “Oh… Well get a good one in for me.” Oh, I would… It was your fault I couldn’t whoop his ass in the first place… “Okay. Bye mom.”  
“Bye, hunny.” I handed the phone back and smirked at the administrator. Some traits about her were good for one or two “rub it in your face” moments, or “ha-ha, fuck you I’m not in trouble”. Once I sat back down, Hayner and Pence gaped at me.

“Dude! Your mom didn’t flip?” I shrugged. “Not this time, no. Either she’s an over the top psycho, or a “good job hunny, beat his ass!” type.” Pence laughed. “Dude, cool!” I shrugged again. “Not really. Wanna trade mom’s?” I joked, but in all honesty, I was completely serious. The only thing I’d feel bad about would be them getting hurt in my place. “Man, Pence wouldn’t trade him mom for all the cakes in the world- only because she can make more and already knows how he likes ‘em.” Hayner said, laughing at his own joke. “Hey!” Pence wined. “At least my dad isn’t out of his mind!” Hayner stopped laughing. “Hey! My dad’s cool and you know it!” I chuckled at them. “Guys, neither of your parents are cool if they get their kids to argue about how cool they are.” They both stopped their argument. “He’s got a point…” Hayner said, scratching the back of his head. Pence nodded.  
“Yeah… So what are your parents like?” Pence prodded. “Mom’s a psycho who’s obsessed with cleaning. I don’t know about my dad.” They nodded, looking like they felt awkward for the poor kid without both parents. “So… You said she’s a clean freak? Like, so clean she bleaches your toothbrushes and boils your hair-brushes?” Pence questioned. They had no idea… That was minor stuff. She was _bad_. “Worse.” I said in a slightly joking tone- _slightly_. “She like, bleach the siding of your house?” Hayner asked. “Oou! Or wash the soap?”  
“Or have a storage room the size of another house full of back-up products in case she runs out or if a bottle breaks?”  
“Or…” I tuned them out.  
I knew they were just kidding, but she seriously did half of that stuff or something close… I didn’t want to defend her, yet I felt awkward because she was still my mom.

At that point, I realized I had no knowledge of how to appropriately interact with other people. Yeah, everyone around me does it every day, but I’m not sitting there and gawking or involving myself in something that doesn’t concern me. Even if I did, what good would it do me? We read about it all the time and shit, but it’s from a sole, possibly warped perspective on how to do things. “Love the person trying to kill you”, “no means yes”, “People work better under stress”, “Play like you don’t care, they’ll come around”, “Pen and paper go hand in hand”, and lots of other shit. Like I said, warped.  
I didn’t know how to react to people accordingly or how to get the positive reaction I wanted. I didn’t know how to pretend like I was okay with this conversation. I wasn’t a duck and this wasn’t water off my back. It was getting soaked in, and it burned like acid rain.

So, I kind of just sat there awkwardly while they laughed about it...

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

I was given detention for the rest of the week during school. It was in this small, broom-closet of a room with ridiculously hot temperatures. I was allowed to go to extra circulars, like music, art, whatever I had for that. So basically, the rest of the week should have been normal as long as I kept it that way. That ass-hole Seltzer or whatever and his lackeys he called friends didn’t get in trouble at all.  
When I saw Hayner and Pence again later, I ignored them and pretended I didn’t know them. It was bad for me to associate myself with anyone. That meant I’d be vulnerable and susceptible to acting like a dumbass teenager and not me. If I was like everyone else, I’d become forgetful and careless. I couldn’t risk that. For example, if I decided to stay after to talk with them a little and forgot Sora was going straight home, for one, he’d be going home alone. Two, we have chores directly when we get home, meaning we have to go right home. Three, if I wasn’t there to do my chores, Sora’d get hurt because of me… There was no fucking way he was going to end up looking like me right now because I was being a temporary dumb-ass…

“Hey, Roxas!” I ignored Hayner. “Hey! You just gonna ignore us?” I turned around and looked at him with a deadpan expression on my face. “Do I know you?” He looked taken aback. “Come on, man. Not funny.” He said, narrowing his eyes. “Yeah, because I’m the joking type, and my face just _screams_ Funny Ha-Ha.” I said monotone. “Aw, come on!” Pence said. “Whatever. If you’re done bothering me I’ve got a class to go to.” I said, adjusting my bag. “Dude! We fucking saved your ass!”  
“M-Maybe he’s just mad we got into trouble is all, relax Hayner…” Never asked them to… Don’t even know them… Even if they did, doesn’t automatically make you friends. I turned around and started walking away. “Yeah, don’t expect us to save your sorry ass next time.” I won’t. I wasn’t expecting anything from them. In all honesty, it would have been better if they had just left me alone and ignored me like I was going to them.

For me, this was best.

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

“…So, um… I hear you got detention.” Sora mumbled. We were currently walking home. I nodded. “Yeah. I’m really going to beat that bitches ass next time I see him- It was the fucker from your gym class.” His eyes widened as he looked over at me. “Wha-What? He hasn’t said anything to me since that one time…” …Really? “Really?” I asked, verbalizing my thoughts. He looked thoughtful as he nodded. “Yeah. Then again, Riku’s in my gym class, and he scares him, so…” Ah. No wonder they went for me. Plus I was fucked up right now… Ugh… My hip hurts… Fuck, my _everything_ hurts… My stomach hurts and I’m hungry… The Flaming-Ferret-Fucker made me look for him for most of my lunch period, so I didn’t get to really eat. Man, the time I did want him around he wasn’t there. The times when I wanted him as far away from me as possible, he was pulling me into his lap…  
“…But, yeah. Mom knows already, so it’s all good.” He nodded. “Was she mad?” I shook my head. “No- surprisingly… After how much I pissed her off last time, you think she’d still be raring to kick my ass.” Sora nodded and just stared, probably feeling like shit every time I limped. I tried my best to walk normally, but then my reflex was to wince, so that wasn’t exactly working. FFFUUUUUUUUCCCKKK MY STOMACH!!! “Ugh…”  
“You okay?” Sora asked, worried. “Yeah, fine. Why?” I seriously wasn’t being sarcastic. He shook his head. The only noise being heard were are shoes smacking the pavement.

…  
…  
…  
…UGHHHHHH SHOT ME OR GIVE ME AN INTERNAL BLEEDING EXAM! MY FUCKING STOMACH HURTS!!!!

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

The rest of the week was as normal as any other for me- dull, boring, bland, and planed. It was better when it was like this. I was good enough to take off the eye patch, by Monday of next week, but it still looked painful close up. My limp wasn’t as bad, but if I sat wrong, it hurt, and my stomach still felt like it was internally bleeding. I was probably fine because if I was, I’d probably be dead by now. The color of the bruises were starting to fade, but just barely, so I still looked like a mummy underneath my long clothes. Every time I saw Axel though, he gave me this hurt puppy look, which I easily ignored. I got glares for dissing Hayner and Pence every time they walked by me, and that Olette chick stopped being obnoxious to me in a way that most people would call talking. She was obviously friends with one of the two groups.  
I was currently in music with her and Axel.

“…So in the end, it all depends on personal preference.” Ms. Hikaru said, turning away for her music note scribbles on the board. Olette raised her hand. “Yes, Olette?”  
“Well, then wouldn’t that deter the point in having sheet music then?” Ms. Hikaru quickly shook her head. “No, no, no. It lets you know what the original writer was thinking and feeling. Only after you become accustomed to their version can you start building your own from it. Um… For example, here, let me play you something…” She scurried over to the piano in a word that could only be described as “skittled”. She sat down at started to play an acoustic of a song she wrote. “…Your giving me… Too many thing… Lately, your all I need… Oh, you smiled at me~ and said-” She stopped playing. “Then, here’s the regular version.” She played what was apparently the regular version from her laptop. “…Don’t get me wrong I love you, but does that mean I have to meet, your father? When we are older you’ll understand what I meant when I said, “No, I don’t think life is quite that simple”.” She tapped a key, making the music stop. “And here’s the “Rising Sun” version- which is a rock version.” An electric guitar played the same notes that we heard with Ms. Hikaru singing again. “…Aaaannd here’s the techno mix.” She played that as well for us.

“Now, do you see? I want you to all write a song- it doesn’t have to have words- and then play it for me on the keyboards, acoustic version, and then we’ll go into the library to digitalize and add new sound in two weeks to make another version of your choice of the same song.” Ugh… There was no way in hell I was doing the project. Procrastination was an amazing concept I was going to apply to this project… “This is going to be several test grades, class work grades, and homework grades, so make sure you do it, alright?” Fuck… “I’m also going to give you software that you can put on your computer so you can do this at home- but I also want it on sheet music. I don’t care if it’s printed, I just want it on sheet music. If anyone needs help, this is my email,” She said, scribbling it down on the board in her feminine handwriting. “And feel free to see me whenever.” She said, turning around. “Alright. Get to the keyboards and get at it.” She said, giving us all a smile. Ugh… Come on Roxas, you can do this. Just do what you did in middle school and bullshit it… Write something happy and bouncy using another song and fixing one or two notes and claim it wrongfully, get yourself a sixty. Come on… I walked over to the keyboard and slipped on the bulky, cushy headphones. Ugh… These keys were so light- It bothered me… I was used to a real piano… “Used to”? What the fuck, Roxas, you haven’t play one since middle school- excluding that one time… I glanced over at the grand piano, face tinting slight at the memory of his warmth against my back. Fuck… I glanced over at Axel, who was just staring depressedly at the keyboard, not touching anything on them, his hands in his lap. Shit, why was I feeling bad? Oh, yeah. You’re a paranoid, over-protective psycho with a possible brother complex, duh! You have this psychotic big brother instinct, even though you’re the little one! Like, why the fuck didn’t you realize that before? Oh, yeah. Because you’re a-

“Roxas?” I jumped and jerked my head up towards Ms. Hikaru. “Are you okay?” I nodded quickly. “Ye-yeah, why?” She furrowed her brow and shook her head. “Why don’t you work with Axel for a moment since you both seem to not be able to think of anything to start it off at the moment.” I blinked. “Huh?” I looked over at Axel, who was still sitting there, hands still in his lap, staring at the keyboard without actually looking at it. “U-Um, no I’m goo-”  
“Please?” She asked me, her tone probably sounding like what a real mother’s should. That was probably the only reason I gave in. I sighed. “…Fine…”  
I got up and walked over to Axel’s keyboard, slamming on the low note keys as to startle him. I then trailed notes into the higher side while he just stared. I’d like to point out, I was on the other side of the keyboard, so it was slightly harder to do correctly than said. “Ms. Hikaru wants us to work together because apparently we’re not able to think of anything to start our project off. This still doesn’t change anything.” I added quickly. He just looked at me and nodded. “Okay…” He stood up and put the headphones on me and played Fur Elise for me, perfectly without even being able to hear it himself. My eyes widened a bit. He then took them off of me and put them back on. “We’re good now, right? I just don’t want you mad at me because I fucked something up again.” He said, laughing, a wide, painful smile on his face. It was obviously fake… It fucking bothered this hypocrite heart of mine… Fuck. Damn it all to hell and back again… Ugh… The brief thought crossed my mind that I was pissed about it because I was supposed to be this stone hearted asshole who wouldn’t let him get to me and that this wasn’t working out as planned and I was cracking. “Yeah, we’re good.” I mumbled, and walked back over to my keyboard.

I hit a normal sounding note with one finger, like a kid playing with it, then a high one, then the lowest one, holding it down. Duuuunnn…. I sighed again. I played with some keys like I didn’t know what I was doing, occasionally glancing over at Axel, who was doing the same thing- Apparently we had the same issue. I saw Ms. Hikaru approached Axel, who nodded sheepishly at her. I turned my attention back to the keyboard.

Why the hell was it so hard to move my fingers the way I wanted them to? I couldn’t do it any other time when I’d feel the exact same way, so… Why couldn’t I now? I set it to violin and hit four notes, long and slow, and planned. I had attempted to write something before summer break was over to add to what I had already written, just for the hell of it, but I never got passed those four notes. Something always stopped me… Like something blocking a valve in my heart every time I tried to make another note. I felt someone tap my shoulder. I sighed, annoyed. “What, Axel?” I said, slipping off the headphones. “Ms. Hikaru wants us out in the hallway for a sec.” I didn’t reply as I set the headset down on the keyboard and turned it off out of embedded reflex. I stood up and walked out of the room as if that was just what I had decided to do just because. Not like I had to because Ms. Hikaru asked or anything. Nope. No reason. I put my hands in my pockets and leaned up against a wall. Ms. Hikaru poked her head out. “Be there in one sec, boys, okay?” I nodded while Axel verbally replied. It was awkwardly quiet for about ten minutes.

What the hell was that teacher doing?

“…So, um…” Axel started. “I said don’t talk to me, Axel.” He sighed and scratched the back of his head. “Right… But, I just wanted to ask you two things- real, quick, promise.” He said, removing his hand from his head. I just stared at him, letting him do what he wanted. Not like I had to pay attention to him did, I? “Okay, um, so, first, I was wondering if you’re okay.” I raised an eyebrow at him. “Hn?” He pointed to his eye- the same eye that if on me, it would be the bruised one. I glared at him. “Then shouldn’t you ask if my eye’s okay?” I said coldly. He shrugged a bit. “Yeah, but… You don’t seem like the sweater type- plus it’s not even that cold out yet.” My shoulder twitched. “…Oh, so what? You assume I’m all beat up or something’?” I said, crossing my arms. He stared at the ceiling. “Just taking a gander…” He sighed. I rolled my eyes and turned away from him. I had all I could do to not stop the shaking by punching him. “Second thing, I guess, seeing as it doesn’t look like I’m getting any farther with the first… Did you, um… Hear? Friday I mean…?” I glared at him. “No shit. You told them. I’d be fucking terrified if I had written down anything “severe” and you told them. I think I’d have to fucking kill you.” I said sarcastically. “You know, ‘cuse I’m a murderer and me being beat up is from the victims trying to escape and all.” I said, rolling my eyes. “Well damn. I should of taken you more seriously when you sounded like you were joking about killing my ass in that hallway.” I almost laughed. This is why I didn’t want him talking to me. He had that type of personality that was worm like and could get itself anywhere; In places I didn’t want it to be, and I was terrified of that, so I didn’t want him near me. He narrowed his eyes. “But seriously, you have to think though, Roxas. Even if I hadn’t of told them, they’d still have to know after you joined.” I shrugged. “Then keep me out. Like I said, not interested.”  
“But, Roxas-”  
“You can go back to not talking to me now.” He closed him mouth and just gave me the damned hurt puppy look. I ignored him.

“Okay, sorry about the wait boys. Now…”

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

Ms. Hikaru hadn’t wanted anything special. She had just wanted to brain storm with us about the damn assignment. I opened the door to our house and Sora followed behind. We didn’t talk much on the way home, but his phone kept going off, giving way to his funny ass ring tone, so I’m going to assume the person he was texting was Riku. “…Hey, Roxas?” Mom questioned me once I got inside from the kitchen. “Yeah?” I asked, removing my shoes. “Why don’t you have a job yet?” She wasn’t mad, just quizzical. Almost like she didn’t know me and was surprised about it. “Do you want me to get one?” I asked, picking up my shoes. She shrugged.  
“I was just wondering, I mean, your old enough to get one and you’ve got working papers and a resume and all, so… You know how most kids your age are. They want munny for stuff.” I shrugged. “I’m not “most kids”.” I told her honestly. She hummed to herself and nodded. Sora followed me up to the room where we put our stuff where it was supposed to go, then went back downstairs and started on our chores. Sora grabbed the windex and the vacuum, I grabbed some soap and applied it to a sponge while water ran. “…You should get one. I’d be good for you.” I put the soap down. “What about Sora?” I asked, more meaning to my simple question than I’d ever let on. If I got a job, I’d be away from home more, meaning he’d be home alone more… She shrugged. “I don’t know. You’re you; You just seem like the type to have a job.” Would everyone stop assuming things about me? I’m not the type for anything they assume, ‘cuse their usually wrong! I nodded in understanding. “Oh…” Mom put her elbow on a counter and held her chin in her hand. Hm… You’d look cute in waiter attire- Or behind a bar counter.” I sighed. “Mom, you know I’m too young to work at a bar.” She pouted. “I know! Jeeze, dream crusher!” She huffed and went into the other room. “Sora, hunny, you’d be a cute lifeguard.” I heard her coo from the other room. 

At least she was in a good mood.

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

Mom took us for a drive around town to look for a job for me Saturday. Mom was ranting about something unimportant from the driver’s seat to me. “…Okay, Roxas?” I nodded from the passenger seat, not really caring, my elbow propped up on the door, my chin in my hand, looking out of the window without paying attention. “Oou, Roxas, look! This place just opened up. That means they probably don’t have that many employees yet.” What the hell was up with the new places? What, was out town on a restaurant/café shortage or something? Jesus… Mom pulled up into the parking lot and shut off the car. “Okay, let’s go.” She said, a wide smile on her face. I mentally sighed and got out of the car, Sora soon following. Mom had promised- threatened?- to get Sora a summer job. Apparently, there was no specific time frame for me.

“Irashai!” The girl behind the counter called after she heard the bell ring, her back to us. “Um, one moment, please.” She asked kindly. The place was small, but warm feeling- temperature wise and atmosphere wise. There was an older looking man sitting at an ivory colored booth with a coffee, reading one of many splayed papers he had out in front of him. Even thought it was made out of what appeared as porcelain, it looked comfortable, almost like you could bend it to fit your form. The tables and chairs were ivory colored as well as the walls and floors. It looked super clean, so I could just tell mom was having a mental party for the place. The blonde girl behind the long ivory counter turned around. “Welcome to Oblivion, how may I help you?” She asked, giving us a warm smile. Sora’s face heated up instantly. “…She looks like a blonde, non-tomboy Kairi.” He whispered to me. I nodded.  
“Hi, I’m here with my son wondering if- since this beautiful little place just opened up- you needed anyone to hire?” She hummed. “I’ll go ask the manager, but it’s likely, seeing as I’m working this shift by myself.” She laughed, gracing us with another angelic smile. Something about the blonde was just so cute… “I’ll be right back. You can sit and order something if you’d like.” She offered, coming out from behind the counter, her hand gesturing to an empty table. She had on a black tailcoat that was half open, buttoned at the bottom, revealing a frilly white dress shirt with a plain black skirt that looked like a slip to compliment the look. She had a golden name tag pinned to the coat, but I couldn’t read it because of the glare from the light. “The uniforms here are cute.” Mom whispered to me. Lucky me, I’d probably get the same thing, but with pants if I got hired…

We sat down at the given table and mom grabbed a menu. Oddly, the chairs were warm and comfy. “Oh, wow. This place just opened up, but it’s real fancy. Look at half of the stuff on here!” I raised an eyebrow and grabbed another menu. …Wow. This place was high browse, that’s for sure. I’d probably have to work for a month just to be able to get a cup of coffee… She came back out and walked over to our table, the air around her seeming calm. I liked it… It was nice. “He’ll be right out in a moment.” She said, one hand holding the other in front of her, almost like she would if she had a tray in one that was empty. “Would you like some regular coffee while you wait?” She asked. Mom looked at me and I shook my head. “Too expensive, and I’m currently broke.” The waitress gasped. “Oh, I’m sorry. I should have told you. We give out regular coffee like most places would water- which we also give out for free. If you want anything special, like a flavor or something, then you have to pay.” Mom’s eyes widened. “Really?!” The waitress nodded. “Yup.” Mom’s smile grew really large. “I’d like one then, please.” She nodded and looked over at Sora, who asked for water, and then me. Her blue eyes were a different shade from mine and Sora’s- like the sky, and ours were murky water… They made me feel uncomfortable. Like, when your room is dirty and it’s getting cleaned by your mom and you know you’ve got stuff in there she’s not supposed to see. “U-Uh, I’m fine…” I mumbled. Was my face red, ‘cuse it sure as hell felt like it… She nodded. “Okay.” She went back behind the counter and started working an old coffee maker that looked like something you’d find in a science lab. You know, the thing resembling an hour glass? Yeah, one of those. I watched, amazed.

Mom hummed to herself. It was thoughtful sounding, like she was intrigued, so I knew to give her my attention. “W-What?” She had her chin in her hand and was staring at me past narrow eyes. “You think she’s cute.” Mom stated. “What…! Mom!” I hissed at her. She shrugged and leaned back. “What, you won’t stop staring. Sora either. She’s got a good gravity, but she seems naive.” As much as I would have loved to tell my mother that she had no right in saying that, I didn’t say anything. An ivory door opened and someone all too familiar came out. My eyes widened.

“Wait- you’re manager of this place?” I asked him. The blonde behind the counter turned around, a little surprised. He had on what was probably the male uniform; a black tailcoat, buttoned on the lower half, just like the blonde waitresses, but it was a plain buttoned down underneath with black slacks. “Yes, I am. My father owns the place.” He replied back. I just stared, feeling like an idiot, or a deer in fifty sets of headlights encircled around me. I didn’t want to talk to anyone from Mr. Xemnas’ little group, yet I might of ended up working for one. Shhhiiiiiiiittttt… “Roxas, you know him?” Mom asked. I nodded. “Yeah… He goes to our school…” I mumbled. He walked over to our table. “Well, I guess as long as you don’t randomly snap at me or anyone else here like you did, I guess I’ll consider you like any normal person applying.” He said coldly, staring at me with a look of slighter hierarchy.

The blonde walked over and gave mom and Sora their drinks in- big surprise- a china tea cup with a matching saucer, and a frosted-glass cup. “So, he goes to your school, Marluxia?” She asked. He continued to eye me over and nodded. “Yes. Well, let me see your papers, and I’ll take you in the back for an interview.” Mom pulled out a folder from her purse and handed it to him. I felt that it was too overdone, considering it only had a typed resume and working papers… Marluxia opened the folder and scanned the contents, then nodded approvingly. “Alright, come on.” He said, motioning me to where the door was. I got up and saw the waitress give me a warm smile to encourage me not to be nervous. My face heated and she giggled at me because of it. Marluxia opened the door and sat down behind the chestnut colored desk in the matching, cushion chair. The rug was dark brown with a darker shade a tan walls, almost caramel. A plant I assumed was plastic sat in the corner.  
I sat down in the simple wooden chair on the opposite side of the desk. He folded his hands in front of his mouth and just stared at me. “…This is off record, but you doing any better? Axel also said that he heard you heard us talking because you went back for something you had forgotten.” I wanted to bash my head against the table and tell him to shut the hell up about Axel because I was already tired of hearing it. “Yeah, I’m good…” I mumbled, trying not to cuss him out. I avoided answering the second part. He raised an eyebrow. “And Friday?” He asked. “…It’s not like I wanted to go anyway, so I don’t care what he said.” Half of that was a lie, but… He nodded. “Alright…” He said, leaning back in his chair. “So, have you ever worked at a coffee shop or something similar before?” I shook my head. “No. Haven’t had a job before this either.” He nodded, scanning the folder contents as if there was something to see. “I see… Well, I’ll give you a trial run for an shift, and if it goes well you’re hired until you do something that requires me to fire you.” He stated simply. “Oh, and don’t assume just because my dad owns this place that that’s why I’m manager or that I slack off and belittle the employees. I hate that.” I nodded. He stood up. “Alright. What’s you size?”  
“…What?”

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

Mom squealed when I came out of the employee bathroom in the uniform. Thank god it was long, because I was still the walking dead underneath. I pulled the wrist of my undershirt down a bit to cover a bandage. “It looks so good on you!” She squealed. “I’m going to have to ask that you come back in an about three hours because I don’t want family here effecting how he acts.” Mom nodded. “Sure! Let’s go Sora!” She said, attempting to haul him out of the door. My heart sank into my stomach. He’d be left alone with her… Sora smiled warmly at me; It made me realize the waitress had the same type of smile.  
“Good luck.” He said, waving good bye with his free hand. I felt ridiculously anxious as he walked with mom to the door. I almost ran over and hug tackled him and started bawling for him not to go- I needed him as much as he needed me- or so I desperately and silently hoped... This was good for me then I guess… Sora was better at being her little duckling that I was. He probably wouldn’t get into trouble, and if it bothered me that much, I could ask if they were open nights and if I could work then. I waved weakly goodbye to them, a forced smile on my face. I heard Sora laugh. “Roxas, lighten up okay?” He asked. I just looked at him and he sighed and walked over and hugged me, using it as a cover to talk to me in front of mom. “Mom’s not going to be here right now. I’ll take her window shopping or something, so relax. She can’t do anything.” He released the “hug” and smile at me. “Later!” He said cheesing and quickly running out.

I looked over at the waitress and Marluxia, embarrassed. To them it must have just been a really long hug… A reeeeeeeaaaalllllyyy long hug. “…I know that’s your brother and all, but what _exactly_ is your relationship again?” Marluxia questioned. “U-Uh, we’re just really close because of circumstance is all.” I replied honestly. He hummed and nodded. “I think it’s cute. Lots of siblings now a days only fight with one another.” The waitress said, giving me another smile. I knew she was sticking up for me. I blushed again. She was so cute- like, in a little sister way- I think… Marluxia shrugged it off. “Alright. Naminé will show you how to work a couple of things, but only if needed. For now, you’ll wait tables since it’s only a trial run to see how you work. Neither of us will help you out extensively because this is solely to see how you work. So… Get to it.” Marluxia said, giving me an honest smile. I mentally sighed, the tension gone from the air with that simple gesture he gave me.

He walked over and put his hand on my shoulder and whispered in my ear, “Don’t worry. I don’t like tension much either- trust me. It sucks.” It sounded… The way he said it sounded painful. “Besides, I forgive you for being a little dick.” He said jokingly. He walked away back into his office and left me alone with the waitress, whose name was apparently Naminé. She smiled at me again and my stomach did flips. “Would you like to learn how to work the coffee maker?” I nodded. I mean, even if I didn’t get the job, it’d still be cool to say I know how to work an hour glass coffee maker.

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

“Okay. Go bring this over to the customer okay? Don’t spill it.” I nodded, taking the tray of decaffeinated sakura tea and strawberry cheese cake from her. Marluxia told me that neither of them would help me, but Naminé did it anyways once he was out of sight. She told me to introduce myself and state what it was I was doing, then ask how I could help. I was nervous as hell, but I did it. Naminé started me off with a kind looking woman with a big belly, indicating she was pregnant. She said it was okay to make small talk so long as I didn’t pry because it made for a warmer atmosphere and helped for other various reasons. She kept smiling at me and it kept making me feel nauseous, even after I calmed down. Marluxia had come back out after the first time the bell chimed after the door opened, thus the pregnant woman. Naminé had called “Irashai” and told me to do it next time the door opened.

I walked over to the woman and gently placed her order down in front of her, still holding the tray. She looked up from her stomach and smiled. “Thank you.” I nodded. “You’re welcome.” I said quickly after stuttering with air. She smiled at me. This warm atmosphere was going to kill me with kindness… “U-Um, is there anything else?- I can help you with?” I said, quickly recovering. She shook her head. “No, thank you.” She said kindly. I couldn’t help but stare at her stomach. She seemed so nice… If she honestly was, that baby was lucky. “Um, is it a boy or girl?” She smiled at me, her hand still on her stomach. “I don’t know yet. I want it to be a surprise, but either way we’ve decided on a unisex name for the baby.” I nodded, still staring like the rude teenager I was. She looked up at me and held her hand out. “Huh?”  
“You want to feel the baby don’t you?” I stuttered, my face turning bright red. “A-er-a-um, n-no I couldn’t! That’d be really rude on my part!” I finally managed. She waved me off. “It’s fine. Do you have any younger siblings?” She asked taking my wrist. I shook my head. “No. I’m the younger one. My other brother is my twin, so…” She nodded and moved my hand to a certain spot on her stomach. “…Give it oooonnneee second…” I felt something jump inside of her skin and my eyes widened. “Was that it?” She nodded with a giggle. “Oh, wow…” I mumbled, staring at her large stomach. I crouched down a bit, not removing my hand, hers still staying over mine. The warmth from her hand on mine and the baby inside of her calmed me down. I had no idea who this lady was, and yet she was letting me touch her pregnant stomach which held her fragile little baby… Her baby kicked where my hand was again.

I was envious. I wondered if our mother sat there with such a loving look in her eyes when she had us. I wondered if she thought she was nuts or just strict… The thought crossed my mind of her hitting us as kids because we wouldn’t shut up as babies. I don’t know if she actually did it or not, but the thought was still there. I wondered if she would sit there, with both of us in her arms in her baby blue rocking chair that she said she had. I wondered if she regretted having boys and thought if maybe that was the reason she was like that to us. What if we had of been girls? Would I be this fucked up? Would she even be violent? And if she still was, would I pussy out and let Sora and myself get equally hurt? Or would I do what I do now? Would I be a tomboy, or would I wear a dress?  
…  
…  
…  
…Would I have a crush on Axel?

The baby kicked again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> End A/N: The song Roxas was listening to was “Strength” by Abingdon Boys School. The lyrics translate to something like this:  
> “…I only need you to fill up my empty parts. We gather up the pain that spreads as our fingers touch…”  
> Cute, non?  
> Woot, Roxas has officially meet Hayner, Pence, and Olette! ^^  
> The song Roxas was screwing around with this time was his theme again, but the first four notes of the violin part.  
> “Irashai” basically means “welcome” and usually gets called when you walk into a café or etcetera.  
> And Yay, Naminé! Lol I honestly wasn’t going to introduce her at all, maybe at the end, depending if I was going to do this one specific thing, but, well, there she is, working in Oblivion, the coffee shop. Lol (Hell, I know I made it up, but I wanna work there… *bites thumb nail*)


	5. Factors of X

Chapter V: Factors of X

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

In math, we always get the unknown number, and we always somehow find a way to effect it, and still do math, even without knowing the number itself. This can be applied to people too. We can affect them, even without directly interacting with them. I did it to Axel, and my mom did it to me by making me get a job, thus forcing me to consult with Marluxia. Then… Does that make me the unknown “X”?

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

I got the job at Oblivion. Mom squealed like a freaky fan girl and Sora congratulated me. The woman with the baby left long before they got there, and even though she was just a customer and I had no clue who she was, I missed her. Or maybe I just missed the calm, warm air around her. I mentally wished that baby the best as she had left.

“When can you start?” Marluxia asked me. “What are your hours?” I questioned back. He walked back into his office and came out with a time frame sheet covered in neat, girly handwriting. “Here. It’d be best if you could fill in blank spots, but for now I’ll try to give you hours with Naminé since you don’t know what you’re doing yet.” I nodded, catching late hours. “Your open till midnight?” I asked curiously, feigning innocence. He nodded. “Yes. This place is almost completely different at night.” He said with a smirk on his face. “When it gets that late, it’s not for regular customers though. Right, Nami?” She held a tray to her chest and nodded enthusiastically. “She usually works then.” He informed me. “Not for regular customers?” Mom questioned. Marluxia nodded.  
“Oh, don’t worry. It’s not anything bad like delinquents, drug dealers, yakuza or anything of the like. It’s actually school related.” Why were my internal organs currently down in my toes? She nodded, still wary, almost glaring subtle at Marluxia. “You wouldn’t mind as long as it didn’t interfere with his school, would you?” Mom looked him over, then changed her expression as if she was another person in the same body to a smile. “Sure. So, just try to make it only Fridays and weekends for late work, okay?” She said, smiling at him with her eyes closed. Fuck, she was upset… I needed to get her out of here- now.  
“So, um,” I started. “Do you want me to work the rest of today or start tomorrow?” I suggested. Marluxia looked over the chart again. “Hmm… What would you and your mother prefer.” Today. “Tomorrow’s fine.” She said. “Besides, Sora and I were window shopping in the _cutest_ store and I want to go actually buy stuff- but I need to go all the way home, then all the way there and waste, gas, so we’ll go tomorrow when we drop Roxas off. Right, Sora?” Sora smiled and nodded. “Yeah. Kairi’s birthday is soon, and I saw something she might like.” Naminé walked away and started cleaning counters.  
Mom didn’t mind when he talked about Kairi. She wasn’t her biggest fan, but she didn’t mind her as long as she wasn’t there or kept her mouth shut. “Wait, I thought Riku’s was in October.” Sora shook his head. “No, Kairi’s is this month, Riku’s is in March.” I nodded, feeling bad that I got them wrong, but not really caring all too much.

“Alright, Roxas. I look forward to seeing you tomorrow at five, okay?” Marluxia said, wrapping things up. I nodded. “Okay.” Sweet, he was giving me late hours. “You can keep the uniform, obviously, but if you want to change, feel free too.” I nodded. I didn’t want to get it dirty and screw it up, which would result in terrible things from mom, so I went to the bathroom. “We’ll be in the car.” Mom said, leaving. I nodded. I came back out after I changed into my regular clothes. I headed to the door and waved goodbye to Naminé, who smiled at me. I opened the door, and the mix of the bell and my name being called almost made me not be able to hear it. “Yeah?” I asked, turning back around. Marluxia waved me over. He leaned down to my ear and whispered, “Citrus and vitamin C help for bruises as well as pineapple and bananas, which can double as natural painkillers.” Then let go of my arm and simply walked back into his office as if he hadn’t said anything to me. He… How…? Could he see them? No, I made sure of that… Was it that obvious to someone else besides myself? Axel noticed too, but… I glanced over at Naminé, a dumb look on my face, kind of hoping maybe she knew why he knew.

She looked up at me from making someone’s drink and smiled. Nothing more, nothing less.

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

“A fruit salad for dinner?” Mom asked curiously. I nodded. “Uh, yeah.” She raised an eyebrow. “Alright, ya pansy. Don’t bitch if you’re still hungry.” I shook my head. “No, as like as side dish. You can still make whatever you were going to just…” She walked over to me and look down on me- figuratively and literally, mom my was a freak when it came to height. She was model tall, and Sora and I were getting there. “Why?” She asked, a slight cold tone in her voice. “I-I just heard that bananas and stuff help bruises is all.” She looked shocked. “Really? Okay then. I thought you were just spontaneously being a girly pussy.” She laughed. “I was worried I’d have to go out and buy you a dress!” She said, laughing honestly. I let out a discrete sigh of relief. So she wasn’t going to kill me… “Alright. You work on that and I’ll make the rest of dinner, okay?” I nodded. “Hey, Sora! Wanna help?” She called to him from the bathroom. “Yup! Almost done!” He was cleaning, not using. Mom smiled to herself and went into the kitchen, me following. What did he say? Banana, pineapples… what the hell was it, oranges? Now that I think about it, couldn’t I just Google this crap myself? The hell, I’m so dumb. Don’t know why I never did it before…

Whatever. I’ll do it later. For now I’ll just make something with bananas in it and look it up later. I got out some melon, bananas, strawberries, and whatever else we had going on in the fridge for fruit, which was usually a lot because mom said it made you skin nice or something. That and it tasted good. I washed all of the fruit as well as my hands while mom got out two cutting boards and gave me one.

Now, from last time, you’d think that I would stay away from the kitchen and helping, especially of my own will, but it’s actually quite the opposite. Just because the sports player broke his leg playing, doesn’t mean that he’s not going to play again once it gets better. Same concept for me in this house. Just because my ass got busted a few times, doesn’t mean I was just going to sit there and bitch about it. Things needed to get done and I needed to do them.

I started pealing and slicing bananas carefully. “…Hey mom?” She hummed a reply as she cut something at the speed of a pro chief. “Did you want to have boys or did you want girls?” She stopped cutting, and I thought I had pissed her off. “…I don’t know. Most girls think about that type of thing, but I figured why when it’s the guys who’s fault that is anyway. What I get I got and I’d be happy with it.” Wait- so, she was happy with us? “So… You don’t care?” I asked, turning around. She shook her head, her hair falling onto her shoulders. “I never said I didn’t care. I wasn’t going to sit there and punish you for not being what I wanted gender wise.” Everything else, yes. She would punish me for. “But, I mean, I get kind of pissed when I see you two acting all girly and whispering and shit because you’re supposed to be boys. I don’t care if you’re sensitive, just not bitchy and winy.” I studied her, honestly a little shocked with my mother’s answer. “So… You’re okay with having boys?”

“What made you think otherwise?” She asked, laughing. I shrugged and went back to slicking fruit, my face tinted an ever so slight shade of pink. “I don’ know.” I lied. “I mean… It’s just…” I struggled for words, want to tell her without telling her. I felt her come up behind me and hug me around my middle. “I’m sorry.” She said. I stopped slicing and looked over my shoulder at her. “I must make you wonder and about a lot of stuff like this, huh?” I gauged if it would be okay to answer honestly, and saw no harm in it, so I nodded once, slowly.  
“I’m glad you’re a boy. If I had prissy ass girls, I’d have to be saving them all the time and pretending to be daddy instead of mommy. Plus they can get pregnant, and get nasty periods,” I chuckled. Nasty is right. Especially if they- er, we? Would end up with mom’s anger issues that came with it. “If anything, I’m glad you two are boys. I’m proud of you, and I’m sorry I don’t ever show it or say it.” I honestly didn’t know what to say to that. Moments like these rarely ever existed in my house-hold, so when they did happen, it made me wonder if that if I had taken a different approach to things, if it could have been more like this instead of what it was. But, when my scorn came around when she was beating my face with the back of her hand, that thought got thrown out of a million story building, crumpled and dead and stabbed and shredded into over a thousand microscopic pieces just to hit the ground with a splat and be trampled on by the busy people of the city who paid it no mind.  
So, when Sora walked in and stopped dead at the sight of me hugging mom back, I honestly felt like a pile of warm nervous mush that was barely able to stand yet alone stay alive that got called Roxas.

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

Mom and Sora were talking enthusiastically in the car about the shopping they were going to do and what they had already done today. I only had to go for about two hours before I got to go to work. I felt alright about leaving Sora alone with mom for now because she was actually being a mom, not… Whatever in the seven layers of hell she normally was.

Earlier, I was forced into Claire’s with the two of them, Sora looking for something for Kairi, mom looking for herself, me outside ready to vomit from a panic attack. Claire’s was my own personal hell. The farther back I got into Claire’s, the more anxiety I felt. Mom knew and found it funny as hell to laugh at me, calling me to the back of the store to look at something, which I knew she had brought from the front of the store just to torment me. I realized that as I walked to the front of the store again and saw the earrings she had showed me.  
As we left, she came out in a sparkly princess tiara and threw a bright, hot-pink feather boa around my neck and hauled me into a video game store using it as a leash. “You know how they have leashes on backpacks and stuff for kids? We should get you one Roxas- one that looks just like this, right Sora?” Sora laughed maniacally and nodded. “Let him wear it to school.” He added. “Oh, my god- NO! PLEASE NO!” I yelled, getting the unwanted attention I was trying to avoid. Sora giggled and trotted into the back of the store, looking at Xbox games. “If it makes you feel any better, we’ll go into that goth store that you get your bracelets at and buy you guy-liner.”  
“MOM!” She giggled and ran over to Sora, releasing me from the most evil of evils from me and throwing it around his neck instead. He just giggled again and adjusted it so he could ware it properly. I looked at him like I was going to vomit. I hated shopping with them because stuff like this always happened. It was funny later, but currently, I was in hell with my mother and sister who was in a boy body.  
I knew that Sora was usually safe when he said he was taking her window shopping or actual shopping. “Mom, I’m short ten. I wanted to get this for Riku.” Sora was very organized with munny, but got side-tracked by other things he wanted too often. So right now, he said he was short ten, but we all knew he had more munny in his pocket, and his mental list said that he had bought something not on it, so he was short ten. Mom nodded. “Okay. I owe you munny anyways, hun.” Sora smiled. “Thanks.” She nodded. “Yeah. Maybe _somebody_ can have fun with us next time.” Mom said, turning her head slowly to me. I shrugged and walked over to them. “I’m broke. Always am.” Sora was eying PS3 games now, even if he couldn’t get them- well, he could, but… “Well I guess it’s good I got you a job.”

“Am I still getting my allowance?” I asked her, honestly. If I wasn’t, the only difference to my munny would be me having to work my ass off on top of cleaning and getting knocked out for doing it wrong. She hummed and shrugged. “Depends.” I was scared to ask on what, so I didn’t.  
Sora bought his game for Riku, getting odd looks from the clerk because of the boa around his neck, which he probably forgot about. My eyes skimmed over games, mentally smacking myself, telling myself I didn’t have time, munny, or energy for them. Mom swung the bags with Sora back and forth, both of them adorned in Claire’s gear, looking ridiculous. Thank god I didn’t have friends, or else they’d see me walking with these two morons in their natural habitat…  
Mom saw the fountain and dropped the bags and rushed over to it. “Everyone, everyone!” Mom called, standing on the rim of the fountain. Sora giggled and whispered to me, “Everyone’s going to think she’s drunk again and we’re going to get kicked out or banned again.” True. She was a trip when she wasn’t kicking my ass. I sighed and doubled back behind her and came up behind her and smacked my hand over her mouth mid-sentence. “My son is- ummhmphmp!” I pulled her off of the fountain. “Okay, mom, breathe. There’s plenty of air, use it.” She replied something back, but it wasn’t understandable with my hand over her mouth. “Sora, what time is it?” He pulled out his phone from his pocket and pouted. “Aw! You’ve got to go to work now or you’ll be late.” I nodded, releasing mom to pick up her bags. “Okay. Come on drag queen.” I said to him, walking past him as he looked down, remembering the boa. “Hey!” Mom laughed. It was nice like this…

If it was like this all of the time, I wonder… What life would be like…

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

I opened the door to Oblivion with Naminé humming something softly that was playing just as softly. It was calming. She turned around to me and greeted me with a warm smile. “Hello.” I smiled weakly back. “H-Hey.” She giggled. “You just missed lunch.” I took off my jacket and hung it up, taking off my small bag with my folded uniform in it. “Oh, did I?” I said, raising my eyebrow. Lunch meant rush, no thank you. She nodded and walked over to a dirty table with a wet rag. “Yup. Twelve people in here at once. Big problem.” She said jokingly. I laughed a little. “Were you here all by yourself?” She shook her head. “No. You just missed the other employee. He literally just left.” I nodded, eyeing the bathroom. “I’m going to go change. I’ll check in with Marluxia once I’m done.” She nodded. “Okay. Take your time.” I nodded back and went into the bathroom.  
I stripped of my thin, punky sweater vest which gave way to a long sleeved white thermal, which was also removed from me as I kicked off my sneakers. They were replaced by a long sleeved dress shirt under a simple black tail coat. My jeans went and were replaced by black dress pants. I put on the polished black dress shoes and shoved without a hint of care my other clothes into the bag. I looked up at myself in the mirror. “…Well, time to go look and act like a dork.” I encouraged myself.

I went into Marluxia’s office and he put a clipboard out in front of me, not looking away from his computer, his brows furrowed. “…Well have to lower that a bit…” He mumbled to himself. I signed my name and the time in the appointed spots and went out into the café. A piano started playing as I walked in, a singer quickly following. “…You remind me of a cigarette.  
You burn up slowly, then go out like that.  
You make it harder for me to breathe.  
You make my head hurt.  
You make my skin stink.”  
“Hey, Roxas? Do you want to make some coffee for the next customers because we’re almost out?” I nodded, going over to the hour glass coffee maker. Why the hell did this song remind me of Axel? Well, now that I think about it, I think he mentioned that he smoked, and he was annoying enough to get headaches from. Still, that other line was so not true. I could breathe fine around hi-  
…The piano… That’s the only time I ever… He’s the only one that ever…  
“So why don’t you leave me alone?” Oh, yeah. Definitely a me to Axel line. Wait- was I fucking considering this an “our song” type thing? Ew, faggy… “Or say you were wrong?  
‘Cuse I don’t want to hide.  
I need the tears inside to dry.” Well damn, if it wasn’t for Axel, it was for me. I never let them out, so… And I played desert to compensate for Sora’s sea.  
“I want more than just to try  
To love you  
Jekyll and Hyde.”  
Funny as shit… He did that. Like he was totally good, a-okay, then just… Just… That fake smile just… Why THE HELL AM I THINKING ABOUT HIM RIGHT NOW?! Ugh! Still… This song was nice… “Hey, Naminé?” She looked up at me from cleaning another table. “Yeah?”  
“Do you know who sings this?” She nodded. “Yeah. There’s an ipod in Marluxia’s office hooked up to the speakers out here, and it’s mine so… It’s Plumb.” Like the fruit? “Plumb?” I questioned. She nodded. “Yeah. I like them a lot.” She said, smiling warmly. The bell chimed. “Ah, Irashai!” She called warmly. She was just so… Cute…

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

For break, which was around nine, Naminé placed a piece of cake down in front of me. It was covered in a thin layer of cream with fruit adorning the top as if it was merely meant for decoration and not for eating the squishy light yellow thing underneath it. “What’s this?” I asked, looking up at her. “Taste-tester. Let me know if you think it’s any good, okay?” She said, smiling. Oh, god please don’t let her be like one of those girls that’s so cute and so sweet and everyone likes them, but no one has the balls to tell them they can’t cook… I carefully took a bite, and to my delight, it was good. The cream was light and airy and not overly sweet, the cake being moist but not raw and tasting faintly of lemons, and the fruit complementing it perfectly. “Hn… Oh, wow. This is good. Did you make it?” I asked her, mouth full. She giggled and nodded. “Yeah. Marluxia said to make something special for later.” I swallowed the food that was so good it made me tempted to ask the cook to marry me. “Later?” She nodded. “Marluxia said not to tell you and that it was a surprise. We close up at ten, and then they come around ten thirty.” Oh, yeah. The late-nighter. “What are they, vampires?” She looked at me almost hurt. “Roxas… That’s not nice.” Ugh, why do I feel bad for saying that and not hungry anymore? “You should know their shambling zombies that rot in the sun.” She said, voice lecturing me. I laughed, making her laugh. “Alright then. I guess I’ll have to watch myself either way.” She nodded. “Yup. They’ll eat you up.” I chuckled a bit more and turned my attention to the cake. “This is so good, really. Can I help you make it?” I asked. She went behind the counter and nodded. “If you want to.” She said, her voice sounding so sweet it would make hunny drip with envy.

Marluxia came out of his office adjusting the cuff of his sleeve. “How’s our new employee doing, my dear?” Naminé poured a cup of coffee and added cream and sugar, even though no one was here. “Good. Here you go.” He took it from her and nodded, thanking her. “That’s good. Don’t quit after tonight, alright?” He said to me. I raised an eyebrow. “Why?” He looked over at a wall and studied it as if it had a new type of fungus growing on it. “Just… Don’t alright? If you end up not liking it that much, I’ll just make sure you don’t have to see them by changing your hours.” I was confused. Were these people really that bad? “That bad?” I asked, honestly curious. “To you, maybe. Just promise you won’t quit because of this.” I nodded, cautiously. Damn, I didn’t know what I was getting myself into…

He patted my shoulder and looked around as if lost for a second. “Alright. Finish the cake and relax. I need to go get a few things, so Naminé, dear, you’re in charge.” She nodded. “Okay.” Marluxia walked over to the door, but then stopped, saying, “Oh, and Roxas?”  
“Yeah?” He walked over to me and whispered something into my ear again. “She’s a very good girl, but very Jackal and Hide like, alright? It’s not her fault, but please don’t trust everything she tells you.” I looked at him, and then looked at Naminé, then back at him. What? No way… She was so cute… There was no way… “If you find out, you find out, but don’t ask- you don’t have a right to know.” The way he said it stung so badly I felt like running out of the room. Marluxia could be pretty damn scary when he needed to be… “But, that doesn’t mean you have to change your current opinion, alright? It rarely ever happens, but I just thought I’d warn you because I saw it happen recently the other day is all.” He said to me. He said it in a way where he could talk to me normally, but so she wouldn’t know the topic of the conversation. He was good with words. He patted my shoulder again, almost to reassure me of his last sentence, and left.

I looked at Naminé, her back to me as she stirred something with a whisk in a bowl. How could she be…? Whatever it was he was trying to say about her? There was no way… Then again, people must have thought that about Sora…

I wonder…

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

I wanted to die. I would have jumped out of the window, out into the parking lot and into the street and gotten hit by a car, just to continue to run away screaming into the forest to be mauled by a bear and be eaten half alive by rodents. I’d pick that fate over my current torture any day. There he was- excuse me, there _they_ were, sitting at several sets of tables, sitting in their usual groups among the group. There were more people this time, but I knew their purpose was the same as the rest. “…Roxas? You work at Marly’s café?” He asked me. Shit, I hated that there wasn’t a kitchen… The area behind the counter what was the kitchen with plenty of space to spare. I nodded, not looking at him, preferring the ground. “O-Oh… Um-”  
“DON’T… Talk to me.” I said, holding my tongue from yelling. Naminé just stared at me with a tray pressed to her chest. She looked back and forth between us, lost and worried. I walked away from him and went behind the counter. I grabbed a tray with several small plates on it that were large enough to hold three pieces of cake. I was told to put two at each table before they had arrived, helping Naminé with drinks afterwards.

I can’t believe it… No wonder Marluxia said he’d switch my hours if I wanted… They fucking meet up here… That stupid group of dumb asses. “Oh, wow. I’m surprised you hired him, Marluxia.” Zexion said, staring at me with cold eyes. “I mean, after what he said and all…” The blonde girl that worked at the Serpent restaurant’s interest piqued up. “What’d he say?” She asked, quickly, clearly being the type who’d tell everyone and their mother as well as repeat it at the family reunion...  
“Friends, we are not here to talk about that.” Mr. Xemnas said, his deep voice cutting though the side conversations as well as that one. “We should get started, should we not?” He asked them all. Axel glanced over at me, then back to a table, then back to me, then went over to sit. I started placing cake and hurried my ass up, getting death glares from Zexion. “Now, would you two please stand up and introduce yourselves just for the record?” He asked, one girl and one boy stood up. “U-Um, my name is Nari…” She mumbled. The boy studied everyone in the room before replying. “Takeshi.” He stated. Mr. Xemnas nodded. “Good. Now, this is you last initiation test. I will ask you a series of questions, and I want you to write down what your answer would be. I want you to take a moment to think about it. I don’t want to know why, just your answer.” They both nodded.  
“Is there anything you’d like to drink?” Naminé asked a man with ginger colored hair that stood up as if it was underwater, like Hayner’s, with a muscular build. Hey! That was my gym teacher! What the hell was he doing here? The fuck... The world is one giant conspiracy, I tell ya… “Water is fine.” He said simply. She nodded and looked over at a man with several scars on his face and an eye patch.

“If you would.” Mr. Xemnas said, motioning his head to Marluxia, who handed them both several index cards. “Your names on these, please.” He stated. The girl started scribbling her name on all of them while the boy waited. “Alright, for the first question…” My arm was lightly tugged. “You could participate you know.” Axel whispered to me. I shook my head. “No.” I hissed back. “Now tell me what the hell you want to drink or you’re not getting anything.” I hissed. He looked at me, dejected. “…Flavored water I guess- orange.” I scribbled it down on a notepad and went on to hurriedly and in a hushed manner, asking everyone else who Naminé hadn’t gotten.

“If a person was dying, their only family, their twin being left behind all alone in the world, and they had a very rare blood type and were in need of an organ, and you had it, yet by giving it to them you would die because what they needed you only had one of already, would you give it to them? Oh- and one more thing, they live, but carelessly die a week later crossing the street. You would then both be dead in the end.” What the hell kind of question was that? That was so fucked up!

They both scribbled down their answers and handed their index cards to Marluxia. Mr. Xemnas nodded approvingly, then looked over to the man with the eye patch. “Alright kiddies. You’re in the military like me. Now, your team is going down under without a prayer, they just need one little push and their done, and your held captive in the captains room because know lots of secret craps stuff.” Wow, he sounds really smart… And was captain even pertaining to the military? Isn’t that pirates? “Now, if you give up the info, they won’t kill you and you’ll live, but your entire team will die. What do you do? Die and hope your team lives, or save your own ass?” That’s so fucked up! Seriously! What the hell kinds of question were these?! They wrote their answers down after thinking for a moment, giving them again to Marluxia.

A man with long braids that had no effect on his obvious masculinity stood up; he questioned next. “You are a scientist of medicine. The group you are working for has opposing companies people in its midst. You are almost done completing a medicine that can cure almost any physical wound as long as the person isn’t dead or missing limbs. You worry your current partner is working for the opposing company. Do you continue on your research for science, for the people, or do you risk betrayal and realize that the medicine you are making can be used to heal then enemy in countless, endless wars?” Well damn… That was honestly a hard choice- but once it’s out, wouldn’t it be used like that anyways? They took about five minutes to each pick an answer.

Mr. Vexen stood up next and cleared his throat. “Alright. Next scenario: You are the one dying from an uncommon sickness. You are very close to a future where they could put your brain or imprint your memories into an android, but you’d die before then unless they froze your head. But the thing is, there are rumors about the androids not being able to die. Would you choose death, or an immortal prison?” Fuck that. I’d take death in a heartbeat. No way I was going to live for forever with these memories. I’d much rather be incarnated as a fly and get hit on a windshield seconds after hatching then that.

My gym teacher stood next. “The most important person to you is going to kill themselves. You can tell there is no convincing them otherwise. They offer if you at least want to go together. What do you do?” No… Sora… The sad part was, if he ended up snapping, I could really see this happening… I noticed the girl's hand shaking as she wrote down her answer. She was scared… Something like that must have happened to her or something similar… Poor thing…

Zexion closed a book he had been indulging himself into and looked at the pair as if they had just pulled him from his heaven and shoved him with a pair of disgusting, literal assholes with fesses and maggots. He rubbed his forehead as if he had a headache then sighed. “Alright… Now, you’re reading a book, but whatever you read aloud, something similar happens in real life, and you come to find this is not merely coincidence. It only works for one book, and only if you read it out loud the first time though, after that, it stops working. Currently, the character that’s being reflected upon you has everything they could ever want. What do you do? Keep reading out loud to see if it gets even better, or stop?” I don’t read. That’s what would go on my card. I’m illiterate of self will. I _can_ read, I just don’t. Zexion sighed again and took back up his book while they wrote down they’re answers.

Saix was next. “Alright. I have a simple question for you. You have been being toured in the worst way possible for you all of your life. You find an escape. Do you take it or endure?” What? Or course esca- Sora… I’d have to leave Sora. He never said the escape was for you and those close to you… If I had to, I’d let Sora-  
That’s when it hit me. The answers they were looking for weren’t the ones given. For example, the first one, Mr. Xemnas said they had a twin! They could both live if the twin gave up the organ instead of you.  
The second, you were being held in the “Captains” room! If you could manage to get free, you could turn things around!  
For the company, you quit, or destroy your research. There are just some things that man isn’t supposed to make and that is one of them.  
For Mr. Vexen’s question, he said uncommon, not incurable. The medicine just must cost a lot.  
If there was no stopping Sora from killing himself, then damn it all I’d hurt myself and get him to realize how much pain it really is. I don’t care if I’d have to drag him into an asylum or rehab, I’d do it if it’s Sora we’re talking about! Fuck letting him die!  
And for Zexion’s question: You never earned any of that! It could just as easily disappear as quickly as it came, and who’s to say I ever actually read aloud in the first place? It’s only temporary magic, so if you would of kept reading, you’d obviously loose it, just as well as if you’d of continued reading in your head, so neither. You put the book down and stop.  
And Saix’s question. You’re probably not the only one going through that! If you give up your escape for someone else that’s got the same problem, something’s bound to work out better than if you were being selfish and just saved your own ass!

I bent down to Axel and whispered, “You can’t let them keep answering like that. They’re going to get them wrong!” He looked at me with pure shock. “R-Roxas… Did Marly tell you?” He whispered back. I shook my head. “No, but the answers they’re writing down aren’t the right ones. Neither of the options given are.” He continued to stare. “…Roxas, answer a question.” I narrowed my eyes at him. “No.” I hissed, then wondered why I even bothered telling him I knew they were wrong. “Roxas!” He said, at normal voice level. “Ugh, shut up!” I retorted and went behind the counter. I glared at him from afar as he sighed and stood while everyone stared at me. It was quite for a minute aside from the music that was playing. “…I may seem crazy… Or painfully shy.”  
How ironic that that was the line that had just played. I swear, Naminé’s ipod needed to be raided for my sake. Because I was awkwardly shy, I did seem nuts whoever I opened my mouth… That was just proven.

He sighed and stood up. “My turn I guess…” He said, scratching the back of his head, trying to relieve some awkward tension. “Okay, so, you have the knowledge to the answers someone you don’t know is being given. Unknown to you, if you don’t tell them, they’ll die, but you do know they’re getting them wrong. Do you help them and give them answers? Or do you ignore them and let them fail, then die?” He asked, emerald fields glancing over to the pair, then back to me. Wait- They were going to die?! N-No that was too extreme… But… That question was definitely geared towards me… Plus he was staring at me still… Hell he had never looked away… “…Well?” He prompted, looking at me. Fuck, you! I’m not answering Axel. He looked hurt. “So you’d just let them die?” He asked in what appeared to be no one in particular, but I knew he was asking me, and it was as obvious as my discomfort.

“UGH! Fine damn it! I’ll fucking answer your question!” I yelled, throwing my hands up in the air. “Neither. Both your options, as well as all of the others given were wrong. You need to stop being a damn sheep and think for yourself!!! Happy?!” Marluxia stared at me, shocked as well as a few others. Mr. Xemnas smirked. “Oh, and what would you of done?” I stuttered with air and bit my lip, looking nervously around the room for the white walls that looked dark blue now because of lighting to help me.  
“…W-Well, for your question, Mr. Xemnas, you don’t have to get involved at all. They have a twin, so they have similar genetic make-up, so there’s no need for you to do anything. The second one you just need to escape the second you can, steal some info and run back to your team to win. For the company, quit or destroy the research- It would cause more pain that help. And Mr. Vexen clearly said “uncommon” not “incurable”. It’s probably just expensive. And for yours…” I said, nodding to my gym teacher. “Fuck that, I wouldn’t let them kill themselves. I don’t care if I have to fucking sedate them like an animal, they’re not doing it.” I felt my expression grow dark and foreboding. I quickly fixed my attitude so they wouldn’t catch anything.  
“Zexion’s, it was never your to start with and you didn’t earn it, so either way, it’s going to disappear, so it doesn’t matter- oh and I don’t read. Saix, you didn’t say anyone else wasn’t going through that. The possibility that it’s just you it’s rarer than shit. It’d probably work out better if you saved their ass instead.” Everyone just stared while Mr. Xemnas burst out laughing. It was honestly a bit scary…  
He looked at me with amber eyes. “It wouldn’t have mattered if they had started answering like that now or not. They would have failed. I guess you were right, Axel.” He said, looking over to him, who just looked taken aback. He looked back over at me, eyes with an odd natural glow to them.

“Congratulations, Roxas.”

Wait- huh? “Wait- wh-what? N-n-no, th-that’s not-”  
“Roxas.” Axel said, very calmly to stop my stuttering. “Thank you two for participating, but I’m sorry. Neither of you two answered correctly.” They both looked disappointed, and the boy glared at me. “Are you kidding?! That’s bull! He wasn’t even participating in the initiation!” He hollered, his cold voice echoing off of the walls. “Yes he was.” Marluxia said. Axel nodded. “Yeah. I’d know.” I took a step back. “G-Guys, Really, I don’t want to be a part of… Whatever this is, okay? I already told you that.” I said, pointing to Axel. He just looked at me, as if I had just stabbed him. “…Roxas…” I heard dress shoes quietly clicking over to my direction. “Roxas?” Naminé asked me. “What?” I asked, unintentionally cold. She flinched a little, but didn’t lose her ground.  
“Just… Give it a chance? If you really don’t like it that much, you can leave, nothing’s stopping you, but don’t stop before you even get your foot in the door, okay? The room before you isn’t all that bad…” She said, mumbling the last part and looking at the floor. The way she said it… She was talking from experience. I could tell. “Are you-” I asked, pointing to them. She shook her head. “Ah- N-no… I just help out whenever I can. I’m not… Well, I guess you could think of it as if roman numerals had a zero, I’d be it.” She said, laughing, a pained smile on her face. I didn’t know what to do but stare at her. I was lost as for what to do. “Please?” She asked, looking up at me. Everyone seemed to be watching with baited breathe or resenting eyes. “…I swear to god, the second a negative thought comes into my head, I’m done.” I watched Axel sigh. “Negative thought. I’m done.” There were cries of disapproval. “What? I don’t like him.” Axel walked over to me and slung his arm around my shoulder. “Alright, how about this. I’ll make you a deal. I’m gonna make you a snack, and if you don’t like it, you can crotch kick me and leave, never talking to me or anyone else here unless you need or want to, okay?” He was betting everything on a snack?! Damn, I’ll take it. Not like I had to actually admit to liking it. “Fine.” He cheesed at me.

“You two may leave whenever.” Mr. Xemnas said, calmly to the pair. The boy glared at me the entire time, the girl looking hurt. “This is so unfair! You read our cards allowed to everyone here and everything after the second part!” Marluxia studied them, but sighed. “Xemnas, he has a point. It is unfair to them. We should at least do that to make it so.” Mr. Xemnas studied him, then consulted with the man with the eye patch and the one with the braids. They nodded and broke apart. “Alright. Roxas, will you be willing to participate, even if it’s out of order.” I noticed Naminé looking at me with hopeful eyes. I sighed. “Fine. What do I need to do.”

“Become the farce you lied of; become nothing.”

“…What?” I asked, completely lost. “The Man’s got a way with words. He’s saying he knew you lied to everyone about what you put on your card, so he wants you to be nothing for a bit.” A kid with a mullet said, helping me out a bit. “Oh, I’m Demyx by the way. We did intros when we did this part, which you weren’t here for.” I nodded, not really caring. “…And I’m supposed to do that how?” I asked, curious as to how I’d be nothing. “Just be nothing.” The man with the braid answered. “A breathing doll. They will interact with you,” He said, nodding to the pair by the door. “To see if they can make you not under time limitations.” I sighed and walked over to a chair and pulled it out a ways from the table and sat down. “Okay. Let’s get this over with. It’s late and my shift is almost over…” I mumbled. I can’t believe they coaxed me into doing this… Well, Naminé anyway…

The boy and girl put they’re things back down and walked over to me. My stomach felt like it was going to push up my intestines and haul them out of my throat. That or fall right out of the hole in me. Fuck… “Ready?” The man with the eye patch asked me. I nodded, realizing I let out a nervous breathe. By doing so, I also realized I was shaking. Marluxia just looked at me and pulled out a phone, which was a painfully bright light in the dark room. The only light was that of the moon as long as clouds were kind. “Alright. You’ve both got a half hour to get him to break and be human. Go.”

It was… Actually really simple. I just took in a breathe, and that was the breathe that made me let it all go. It was easy to do, but scary. This me… The me that I had to never let out. The me that only existed when Mom was knocking me out or against something or with something… This me scared me, because I was numb to the world. I didn’t feel anything, and I didn’t care. It wouldn’t have scared me if I didn’t have Sora. If I was just a rag doll all of the time, he’d be hurt instead of me. Like when we were kids… I’d just sit there, sobbing until I was numb like this, watching her still clobbering him with her hand or shoe or whatever was closest. Sometimes I’d even black out if she did it for too long, waking right back up to her never stopping… This me… I hated that it was part of me.

They had tried to make me laugh, which in all honesty, I wouldn’t have laughed at anyways, possibly giving them the same look if not a bit more sarcastic. Tried to make me angry with insults that most mother’s would have their kids washing their mouth’s out with soap for saying, honestly really not phasing me. I would of given them the same dead pan look, maybe a couple of eyebrow raises or smart ass remarks back, but I’d still basically give them the same looks.

The boy got pissed, my attention on the music playing instead of him, my body unmoving, breathing steady. “The HELL?! WHAT ARE YOU! A DOLL FOR REAL?!” He kneed me in my stomach, which still hurt a bit from mom’s last beating. “Roxas!” I heard Axel yell. I simply slumped over and fell onto the floor, my head cracking on it. It didn’t hurt that bad… I’ve had worse… Funny though… It was in the same spot… Out of all of the places…

“…She keeps running into herself, hoping to find somebody else  
She keeps running into herself, hoping to get out of wonderland…” The song sang. …Funny. Funny as hell… “Move, damn it! Roxas, you okay?” Axel said, sitting me up. I fell slack onto his chest, his hand gently gripping my upper arm. His heart beat sounded nice, oddly. I think I’ve got a fucking concussion, ‘cuse there’s no way I’d think that normally… “That’s not cool! What the hell!” He yelled at him, obviously very pissed. I slowly closed my eyes, his voice vibrating his chest sounding and feeling oddly calming. It was nice… To have someone tell her to stop- er, him… Damn, why was I so tired? “Axel.” Saix said, possibly in hopes of calming him. “WHAT?!” He yelled, it echoing so loud it took a few seconds for it to go away completely. It was silent for a moment as the song got to a point where just piano and violin played. “Look at Roxas.” I may as well of been half awake or dreaming. It was just so calm in spite of the throbbing pain in my stomach. It hurt so bad, it didn’t hurt, you know? I slowly opened my eyes and looked up at Axel, my neck deciding to take it’s time, which I was fine with. For some reason, his eyes grew very large and he looked like he wanted to kill himself.  
“…He’s still got some time left.” I heard Marluxia say. “No… This isn’t fucking cool… I’m taking him home, this is bullshit.” Home? I almost woke up from me. I started shaking a bit, breathing rate getting a bit faster. I felt like a little kid again…

Sometimes, she’d be late in coming to get us. They’d say after getting off of the phone with her, “Don’t worry. You’ll get to go home soon.” Like it was a good thing. Like getting all of my scars and bruises were a good thing… Like becoming almost half blind was a good thing… I was always so terrified of her. I still am. She’s got me locked in a prison with no bars, and no lock, yet I was still searching for some type of key… A key I’d never find… Not like this… Not half awake in some guys arms wanting to die without saying it, only clinging to the strand of hope I was given named Sora. I didn’t want to go home… I know… It was selfish of me… To leave him there all alone right now, but I just… I just felt really scared right now… I didn’t want to go home. I wanted to never go home again and stay just like this. With this person whom I swore up and down I loathed, yet I was so grateful for at this very moment.

Fate and Destiny tended to give you what you wanted, just not in the way you had wanted to see it.

He must of felt me shaking, because he gently tightened his grip on me. “Screw this. I know I’m the one who wanted him to join, but you of all people Xemnas should allow bullshit like this. It’s okay Roxas.” He said, looking back down at me. He stood up, picking me up as if I really was as light as a doll. It was painful… That I was so light… It wasn’t literally because of my weight, just… The fact that it was so easy for someone like him to do this, as if I was… Wasn’t… What was I anyway? Why the hell can’t I get my thoughts out straight right now? “Axel he’s still got time.”  
“I don’t give a flying fuck, Marluxia.” He said, coldly. “Well hold on. Let’s make sure he’s not terribly hurt.” I heard Naminé say. “Let’s just check for bruising.” Bruising? Damn, they’d find a lot… I was still a mummy, no change there. So, now, the question was if I remained a doll and let them, for personal reasons and to continue their game, or to snap and run away, saying I quit or would refuse to work nights from now on. There was no alternate option that I could have. I highly doubted Axel wouldn’t listen to such a kind voice of reason… I would of- correction. I do, even if looking back on her convincing me otherwise got me here in his arms in mid-air… Damn, this room was white, even in the dark…

I heard a series of beeping noises and as if on cue, fidgeted a bit, almost as if it had woken me back up from my dream state- liking waking up in another all white room with a different kind of beeping... A being that signaled that you were _alive_. The pain in my stomach now feeling fully there. I whimpered a bit, probably only hearable to me and Axel. “Put me down…” I grumbled. “Roxas-”  
“Down Axel.” I ordered. He set me down and I almost fell. The pain in my stomach pulsing into my head, making me have to catch myself on my hands. “Roxas!” He said, throwing himself by my side. “I’m fine, fuck off.” I almost let the words, “I’m used to it” come flying out of my mouth after those. I squeezed my eyes shut for a bit then opened them and blinked. Come on, Roxas, your good, your good… I let out a painful breath and stood up, only to get so dizzy to the point where I fell backwards and crack my head on the wall. “Roxas!” I heard him yell. I tried to wave him off, my breathing getting hard. “I-I’m fine, fuck tard… _JESUS CHRIST_ the room needs to stop moving…” I grumbled. I was going to black out and I knew it. The pain in my stomach was so bad, I just…

I doubled over and vomited, my food and stomach acid coated red. I just felt drained. I threw up for a few more seconds before letting myself fall sideways and passing out, hearing his annoying, yet protective voice calling me once more before I felt his warmth catching mine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> End A/N: ROXAS DESERVED A NICE MOMENT WITH HIS MOM DAMN IT! She can be a bitch, yeah. But that’s still his mom, and no matter how psycho the mother, somewhere deep down they’ve got to love their kids. Hey, look at me, I turned out all ri- wait, no hold on……… I’ll get back to you on that… lol Still, he still ended up getting beat up! lol
> 
> The song Naminé had playing was “Jekyll and Hyde” by Plumb. Nice, huh? The one line from the other songs playing were “Cut” and “Pennyless” by Plumb too. Them, Automatic Loveletter, Barlow Girl, and In This Moment make up my Naminé play list. Lol
> 
> I know, it was short, but I’ve been planning the next one for months-  
> Roxas: “Weeks at best.”  
>  _Weeks!_ (Geeze…) So it’ll be long too. Sheesh…  >.>  
> It’ll be fluffy, so, Nyah.  
> The next one is already over twelve pages, so...


	6. The Gift of Warmth

Chapter VI: The Gift of Warmth

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

I never remembered having any brown furniture in the house. It was always stark white, grey, or pale colors and felt like an infirmary and not a house. That’s why waking up in Axel’s house almost shocked me.

I felt like I had died and went to heaven, if I was lucky- which in itself, was a hell because then Sora would still be alive and be stuck alone with-  
“Hey? You up?” Axel said, poking his head into the room. The faint, yellow-tan curtains making the light that streamed in almost god-like to my eyes as it gently touched on the rug. “Y-Yeah.” I said, sitting up. I felt a bit cold, so I looked down and-  
I screeched like a girl as I pulled the blankets back up over me. “YOU STRIPPED ME?! YOU CHANGED MY BANDAGES AND STRIPPED ME?!” I could tell because mine were a bit messier, and plus, these ones were tighter- but not uncomfortable, just better applied- and lacked hints of blood. He walked into the room and sat down on the edge of his bed. “Marluxia called your mom. He said since it was so late and since my house was closer, he asked if it was okay if I took you here and she was okay with it. He said you had just been over-exerting yourself, not…” He said, eying his wall and avoiding my question. I looked down at the light brown comforter that covered me, which complimented the room, which was either tan or cream, the rest of the furniture in his room being brown as well. The rug was cream, which beautifully offset everything. “…You didn’t answer me…” I grumbled. I was tempted to choke him. “…I’m not going to ask, so let’s just drop it, yeah?” He said, looking back at me. “I didn’t look, and you’ve still got your underwear on- aside from when I had to move ‘em for a sec…” He said, scratching the back of his head. What? I moved my boxers a bit and saw my hips covered in bandages. How did- When did I- She- The hell…

“Um, I know it won’t fit, but here’s a shirt and some shorts.” He said, taking said clothes off of his giant vanity. “Your work clothes are in the wash, and Marly said you had a bag with other clothes, so if you want I can go get those…” I just stared at him. I didn’t know what to say. He looked so awkward, and the silence let me remember what had happened to get me here in the first place. “Uh, yeah, whatever…” I mumbled, looking away. He got up off of the bed and walked out of the room. “I’ll be back. Help yourself to whatever.” He called from another room, the sound of keys accompanying his voice. I waited until I heard the door shut before I got up and put on the clothes. The long, white shirt came past my knees, so I had tucked the right half of it into the jean shorts, which I needed to keep up with a belt which had been provided. I looked myself over in the giant mirror on the vanity and sighed. I looked like a little kid trying on their parent’s clothes… Or some moe uke… Ugh! This outfit made my legs look long and all of the bandages stood out to me like a foul, rancid beast would in a line-up of chipmunks. I glanced at the door, then back at my horrendous appearance.

I left the room and went exploring. The rooms were huge: Like, castle like in size. There were two floors, a loft, two bathrooms, a kitchen, a dining room, two bedrooms, an excessively large living room, a furnished basement, and an attic full of different holiday’s crap.

The living room had a real stone fireplace with a mantle covered in small little artistic looking knick-knacks, a painting of an animal on each side of it. There was a plasma flat screen TV hanging above it, a couch was across from it. The curtains were a russet orange color and complemented the chestnut colored rug. Even the hallways were covered with pictures of beautiful exotic animals. I noticed not a single family picture was about, which was weird, because even we had _one_. The hallway had a shelf adorned in folders and a ceramic music note. The house itself felt very warm, and I almost didn’t feel bad for looking around it so intrusively.

The kitchen was right off of the living room, the bathroom at the opposite side of the house as well as Axel’s room, which was off of the dining room, which hadn’t been used for its intended purpose. It was a room with a bookshelf with thick books adorning its shelves on each opposing wall. One shelf had been specifically set aside for an ipod with speakers. Odd. A grand piano sat in front of a set of windows. The cream, almost white rug, with matching curtains made the room feel odd to me… Almost like it was a place that should have been of warmth, yet the floors were cold.

The kitchen, had double windows with an amazing view of their backyard. Hell, screw backyard. They had what may as well of been a field out there covered in plants that lined the house and borders of their property. A light green color wallpaper placed perfectly with the tan tiles splatter the same shade made up the wall, the same tiles on the floor. There was a pantry full of food, as well as a fridge and cupboards with an endless stockpile that would have me running here at the first sign of a zombie apocalypse. I helped myself to a piece of baked cheese bread that was sitting in the bread box so perfectly, this house had to of been used in one of those women’s magazines and stuff. I bit into it and continued exploring, finding it was ridiculously delicious.

The bathroom on this floor was aquatic themed, the wall paper covered in exotic fish, sea horses, etcetera. There was a shower on your left a little ways up from when you first walked in, against the wall with a bright, light orange and blue fish melded with what looked like a large sea shell, but was actually the tub, a window above it with thick shower curtains. A small door revealed the actual toilet with plenty of room to move, and above it was a shelf full of towels.

The basement was a full circle around, and broke off into several rooms, the first one appearing as a storage room. One of them was littered in paper and music sheets, written on or blank, with a grand piano like the one upstairs. I guessed not to touch anything and kept wandering, finding a giant octopus furnace with awkward, unfitting child’s toys littering the floor. The other room seemed like a guest bedroom, and in spite of being in the basement, was just as nicely decorated as the upstairs, with a queen sized bed and a similar bed set to Axel’s. A desk that could be used for homework or studying with a built in light fit snugly on the wall, pressing lightly against the bed. I was meet with the storage room again, so I went back upstairs to explore the second floor.

The loft over-looked the large living room, which made up almost all of the bottom floor as well as the view from there, except for Axel’s room’s door, the overly large, aquatic themed bathroom, the kitchen, and the dining room. The loft had another bookshelf and a large, comfy couch of cream color to match the rug. I know ‘cuse I kinda fell on it by tripping over the rug…

The upstairs had another bedroom, which was probably his parent’s room, so I stayed out of it after opening the door and glancing around. The second bathroom was simpler and a bit smaller, the theme being water still, but more goldfish like. It was fitting, since the room was round, the wallpaper making you feel like you’re in the fishbowl and not the other way around. The tub was simple ceramic tub stuff, but no shower head. The only other room upstairs was locked, so I ignored it, getting smacked in the face by a hanging cord, which lead to the attic. I’ve always wanted to use a set of attic stairs like that, so I helped myself, being greeted with the obvious boxes and holiday stuff. I went back downstairs and my attention was caught by the windows in the living room and the view outside of them.

I walked over to them and gently placed my fingers on them in hopes to grasp the view in front of me for forever. I was mentally aware I was leaving finger prints on the glass. “…Where am I?” It was like I was in a whole other world… It was nice… I wandered out to the small hallway that gave way to a front door, making note of the laundry room to my left and coat closet in it.  
I opened the door and was greeted by the garage to my left and a stone walkway. I walked off of the shadowed porch and put my bare foot onto the white and grey stone cautiously, as if it would burn it otherwise. The view from outside of his house was amazing. I swear to god, if I’m sleeping right now…

I wandered around the circumference of the house, taking my time and enjoying my walk, being greeted by a pool and glass enclosed back porch with a deck coming off of it, never lonely with the company of a picnic table and chairs.  
I think I walked around the house about ten times before I walked around another and saw the car in the drive in front of the garage. Axel ran outside of the house, calling for me nervously. “Hi.” I greeted him. He sighed like a worried parent and rushed over and hugged me. “Don’t do that! My heart just stopped for a bit!” I laughed a little, feeling accomplished for doing so. “Relax. I was just walking around. It’s nice here…” I admitted. Axel released me from the hug and looked me over. “…You uh, feel okay?” He asked me. I nodded. “Never better. You _sure_ you didn’t take me to a rehab center?” I questioned. I’d stay. Hell, I’d never leave. He laughed a little and shook his head. “No, it’s my house. Come on, as cute as you are in my clothes, I’ve got yours.” He said, holding up my bag. My face heated and I hit him, feeling embarrassed. “Fuck off!” I said, in spite of feeling oddly calm for once. He smiled and gently pulled me to the porch by my wrist. “Sit. I’ll be right back.” He said, gesturing to the porch swing. I sat, not really caring either way if I was being submissive. He came back out with a washcloth and cleaned my feet and I let him, awestricken by the view still. “…So what do your parents do, because this set up’s pretty nice.” I said as he started my second foot. “My mom’s dead and my dad composes music.” Great. There was a mine here and I just managed to be the idiot that stepped on it. “S-Sorry…” He shook his head and looked up at me. “It’s okay. You didn’t know. If you did, it’d honestly be a bit weird, right?” He joked. There it was- his barrier again… “Yeah, but still…” He sighed. “Why does brining up a dead person always have to be a bad thing, huh? People are honestly so negative. If it’s a bad thing, then people aren’t thinking about the good things about that person, just that they’re gone. So, chin up, okay?” He said, patting my thigh. I nodded, still feeling like shit now. “Did you eat anything?” He asked me. I nodded. “Yeah. A piece of that bread you had in the bread box.” He gaped at me. “ _A_ piece? Roxas… Roxas, Roxas, Roxas…” He said, shaking his head.

“I will feed you, and you will fall in love with me.”

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

I almost did. He had the flames on the stove going like a professional cook. I was awed, and it tasted even better. Now that I think about it, if he had made me that snack yesterday and if that’s what we would have done, there was no way in hell I’d be able to lie and say it sucked. He could cook- Like put any famous chef you named to shame. I scarfed it down like I had never eaten before and he just watched me, content. “Wha-Whaf?” I asked, food in my mouth, probably looking like a chipmunk. He laughed and shook his head. “Nothing. Slow down or you’ll get a stomach ache. Besides, it tastes better when you enjoy it.” That made me slow up a bit. I had a tendency to eat fast so I could get away from the table- where Mom sat with us. Not this ridiculously though… I was still in his clothes, and he just kept staring… Freak was probably going to masturbate in these later… Ugh… Still, it didn’t stop me from wearing them any longer or less than I was. “I swear to god, I’m going to enslave you.” I said, biting the food on my fork. He laughed out loud. “That good, huh?” I stuck my tongue, which probably had food on it, out at him. He just smiled and continued to watch me eat like a dog. “…So does this mean you’ll talk to me now?” He asked. “I’ll make you lunch every day if that’s what you want.” I shook my head. “You don’t have to. I don’t eat it anyway.”

“Quoi?! Vous ne mangez pas le dejeuner? Non, non, non ma douce. Qui ne fera pas.” I just stared at the gibberish speaking monster, lost. “…What?” He laughed at me. “In short, I’ll make you lunch, okay?” I raised an eyebrow. “All that for an “I’ll make you lunch”?” I questioned. He shrugged and eyed the wall, scratching his cheek with his index finger. “Not exactly, but it’s the same thing.” I just stared at him, getting annoyed, then rolled my eyes and went back to eating.  
“Whatever… What was that anyway?” I asked. He gave me a wide smile. “French. In middle school, I went to France for a while, so, ya know.” He said, shrugging. “Oh, look at you being all fancy and foreign. Is this the point in your life where you realized you were a creep?” He laughed at me. “Yeah, actually. Know how many gay people populate Europe? They don’t all just flock to Canada you know.” He said, making stereotype jokes. I couldn’t help but laugh. This was nice. I was still being overly defensive, yeah, but it was nice… “Nah, but seriously. I’ll make you lunch, okay? That’s not good for you. Even if you don’t eat it all, I still want you to eat something, okay? I don’t care if you end up wanting to behead me, I’m still going to make you lunch, alright?” He said, resuming the seriousness. “Yeah, to poison me?” I joked back. He smiled at me. “Eat.” He said, gently pushing the plate a little closer towards me. “Whatever.” I said, going back to eating. It was so nice here…

I swear, if I could, I’d never leave. I’d be selfish and never go back, spending forever in this fairytale like state, living off of Axel’s amazing food and wander around the outside of the house to entertain myself. I’d use the guest bedroom or something… Honestly, the thought even crossed my mind of sharing Axel’s huge ass bed. There was more than enough room. And maybe… If I clung tight enough in my sleep… Maybe he could stop the nightmares…

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

I had called mom after eating, she said it’d take her a minute to get there because Axel’s house was, well, damn how do I put this- OUT THERE! Like, it’s a wonder why he went to our shitty public school out there! “Um, you go to our school, why?” I asked, once he hung up with mom after telling her the address. “Saix. We’ve been friends since we were kids.” I nodded. “Oh…” I was almost disappointed that I had to leave soon. This was nice… But I couldn’t be selfish like that… Axel just looked at me. “Wha-What?” I asked. Shit, I must have been quiet for too long… He shook his head and laughed at me. “Nothing. Forget it.” Why do I feel like a smart-ass comment could have been but wasn’t inserted there? He looked around his house and sighed, hands on his waist. “Anything you want to do before leaving?” He asked me. Yeah, not leave… “Not really.”  
“Did you look around the house?” He asked. I nodded. “Yeah, it’s nice- I hope you don’t mind.” I said, quickly realizing that I had been rude. He shook his head. “It’s fine. I would of too.” He laughed. “Sure there’s nothing?” He double checked with me. I nodded. “I wouldn’t know what to do.”

“Yeah, neither do I.” He mumbled. I laughed a bit, taking it as a joke. “I wouldn’t mind wandering around again.” I said honestly. He nodded. “Okay. You want shoes this time?” He joked. I snickered a bit. “Nah. I’ll just be an ass and dirty up your house.” He laughed a bit and gently pulled me outside by my elbow. With the way the sleeves were, they came down to my elbows, but you could still see bandages… Same with my legs, too… I wonder why he… “Hey, Axel?” I asked him. He looked back and me and his face tinted for some reason. “Y-Yeah?” He asked. “Why did you give me shorts and a t-shirt? I know it’s nice out and all, but, I mean… The bandages… I mean, you even fixed them, so… You know that…”

“I told you before; Your not the sweater type.” He said, stopping in front of the front door. “It doesn’t suit you. I don’t care if you feel uncomfortable about it, I want to be able to look at you, bruise for bruise, scar for scar and still be able to talk to you honestly. I’m no poet okay, but it’s true.” He said, looking down at me. In all honesty, that was the most poetic thing anyone’s ever said to me aside from “I’ll kick your ass you little bitch!” He tipped his head to get a better look at my face. When I turned it to the side, he followed. “Roxas?” I ignored him. Damn it… I really don’t like him at all. Like seriously? Who gets bent on this sappy stuff? Bruise for bruise? Scar for scar? Well damn, he’s got a lot of ground to cover, because I’ve got ‘em everywhere and they still keep coming. If I was fucking a human depiction of Europe, the only thing I’d be lacking would be sex and lots of it.

He hugged me. For no reason, he just hugged me. Wrapped his arms around my slight shoulders, and my face got buried in his chest. He smelled like burning fire wood and I had all I could do not to close my eyes and melt into his flame. “Don’t cry, okay? I’d kill myself if I ever made you cry.” I pushed against him a bit, but not really trying all that hard to escape as he kept his grip on me. “I-I’m not going to cry, dumbass. I’m not some girl…” Still, my eyes were wet though. I bit my tongue and repeated in my head all of the shit load of chores I had to do once I got home to take my mind off of the water escaping me. I shrugged him off, moving my arm in a full circle. “Come on, I’m not some frail little girl.” I said coldly. He just looked at me and nodded. “I know. That’s why I like you so much.” What? He chuckled and went outside.

“Wait- what the hell is that supposed to mean?!” I yelled at him, not bothering to shut the door behind me. He started to jog, so I did the same. “Answer me asshole!” I yelled at him, which just made him laugh.

The game of chase kept up for about three trips around the house before it stopped. We then just kept walking and talking, but if you asked what about, I couldn’t tell you. It wasn’t bad or anything, it was just small, meaningless conversation that I found so important that if I had a diary or journal, it’d go in it in all caps. I smacked him every time his hand brushed against the back of mine though. He would then proceeded to bitch about how it wasn’t his fault and he wasn’t trying to pull anything, it’s my fault for walking so close and blah, blah, blah. I’d then hiss and bitch at him that he was the one walking close and order him farther from me, but within minutes, we’d be walking shoulder to shoulder- er, ribs to shoulder? Damn, he was tall… And it’d happen all over again in between our pointless conversation.

I wanted to just run inside and hide under his blankets when I saw our car in the drive.

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

“So, how was it?” Mom prompted. “Stupid.” I lied. “It’s a huge house, how can it be stupid?” Sora questioned, the question making my point of his lack of IQ. “You got a big head, doesn’t mean it’s not stupid.” He sat up from lounging the passenger seat. “Hey!” I snickered at him. Sora was pulled back down by Riku, who also happened to be in our car, lounging with him. “Ignore him. He’s just mad because he can’t spend more alone time with his man.” He joked. “Oh, yeah, I noticed that.” Mom said, looking me over. “…Huh?” She grinned at me. “Over exhaustion, huh? Real clever if you get the underline meaning. You look cute in that by the way.” I looked down and realized I had never changed back into my clothes, even after he had taken the liberty of getting them. “Ah, Fuck!” I moaned. I had left both sets of clothes at his house. Mom just laughed at me. “Okay, first off, that’s not what happened!” I started. “Uh-huh. Sure it wasn’t.” Riku said. I turned around and glared at the creep with his arms around my brothers waist, crotch strategically placed so with the slightest movement, his tic-tac wouldn’t be on Sora’s butt if mom went to look at them. “Swear to god, you better know how to roll out of a moving car properly, Riku, ‘cuse just you wait ‘till we get on the highway.” He laughed at me, then instantly changed his mood and glared. “Bring it on, rock boy.” I groaned and banged the back of my head against the head rest. “Do you know how many times I’ve heard that?” I questioned him. “A lot. Please get a new one.”

“That’s easy, considering you probably got screwed by an obnoxious red head last night. I’d never guess you’d like it rough like that. I mean damn, look at all of those bandages.” My mind went to what Axel had said about bruises and scars. I turned around and flipped him off. “Roxas, don’t be a whore.” Mom lectured me. I groaned, and very loudly. “I didn’t screw anybody, okay?!”

“Aw, is my baby still a virgin?” Mom asked, turning the corner. “Mom, shut up!” I yelled at her. “Sora, help me out here!” I wined, looking back at him. He just shrugged. “Sorry, I already used my max of 5% of brain today. Had to do homework.” Damn it. Me calling him dumb had just back fired… “Mom!” I wined. “What?” She asked, honestly curious. “You’re calling me the whore, but you don’t see your other kid and his boyfriend in the back seat?” I questioned her. She looked back and shook her head. “Nope.” They hadn’t even moved from their cuddly sex position. I groaned and banged my head on the passenger window. “Roxas, don’t do that. If you bust my window, I bust you, and if you break it you pay. Not to mention that I’ve already got one kid with little brain, I don’t need you killing what slightly-more-than-him you do have.” Mom said in a joking tone. Sora chuckled. “Yeah, Roxas, come on, now.” He mocked. “Will the three of you shut up?”

“Why? Doing too much screaming so your throat’s raw and you don’t want to argue?” Riku questioned. “Swear to god, I will end you, Silverhead.” He just chuckled at me. “Go ahead and try. Sora’d be an only child by the time I’m done with you.” I scoffed. “By the time I’m done with you, that small tic-tac you were planning to screw Sora with will be no more!” I said, gradually getting louder with each word, throwing my hands up in the air. Mom laughed. “Well damn, Roxas. Gonna bite it off?” I groaned again. There was no winning here.  
Fuck me… And- not literally, and by no read head. It was enough he had put me in his bed- wait… Now that I think about it, where did he sleep?

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

Wednesday wasn’t so bad. Axel kept his distance, but waved to me when he saw me. I ignored him, which caused him to come over to me and wrap his arm around my shoulder. “Hey, don’t ignore me.” He wined. I shrugged him off. “Oh… Go jack off in your bed that you put me in.” I retorted. He chuckled. “Already done.”

“WHAT?!” He put his hands up defensively. “Kidding, kidding. Relax. I’m not that much of a creep. You trust that at least, right?” I just stared at him. No. Not really, Axel. He sighed. “Oh, come on!” I started inching away. “Roxas!” I ran. “Stay away, creep!” I said, but I was kidding- half anyway. He chased after me and easily caught me by my wrist. “Wait!” He pulled me back and wrapped his arms around my neck, my back to his chest. To most, it’d look like he was choking me, but he wasn’t. “What?” I asked coldly, looking up at him. “Before you go running off, here.” He said, slipping his bag off of his arm and crouching down on one knee. He pulled out a square box wrapped in a pale blue cloth. “Lunch. Eat it.” He ordered, forcing it in my hands. “Wha- N-No. I said it was fine-“  
“And I said it wasn’t. You need to eat something, okay?” He said, giving me an honest worried look. I had no reply for kind things, so I just shut up and took it. The bell for first block rang, and Axel smiled at me, slipping his bag back over his shoulder and standing up. “See ya later.” He said, giving me a two fingered solute and leaving. Damn him… I looked down and stared at the box, feeling a bit awkward holding it.

No one’s ever… Done something like this for me before… It made me feel uneasy…

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

I sighed and opened my locker, the lunch box reminding me it’s contents needed to be eaten. “Hey!” Sora said, wrapping his arms around my neck. “Hey…” I mumbled. “Hn…? What’s that?” Sora said, pointing at the foreboding thing on the top shelf of my locker. “Apparently, lunch.” I said. His eyes grew wide. “…Huh?! Who made it for you? A girl?” I took it down and stared at it, debating if I really wanted to toss it. “Axel.” I said bitterly. “Axel made you lunch?” Sora asked, surprised. I nodded, still staring at the box that was going to kill me. “Apparently.” I said, still staring at it. Thinking back on the breakfast he had made me kind of made me want to eat it, but at the same time… It was from Axel. Eating enemy food was like admitting defeat. Wasn’t it enough already he had seen me naked and bruised without me knowing as it was happening?  
I sighed and closed my locker, spinning the lock and putting in my first two numbers and leaving it. A habit of quick entry I developed in middle school. “Want it?” I offered Sora. He shook his head. “No. He made it for you, so you eat it.” I groaned. “I don’ wanna!” I wined like a spoiled kid. Sora laughed a little at me and pressed the lunch box into my chest. “Eat it. If it kills you, I’ll avenge you, yeah?” I pouted, making an odd growling noise from my throat. “Come on, before they close the food line up.” He said, pulling me by my wrist.

I wanted so badly to just throw it in the garbage, yet in the same breath, eat it like an anorexic, giving up on that life style. I want to shove it in his face and tell him to fuck off, yet order him to take me to his house and feed me. I wanted… To untangle these awkward feelings inside of my head that dangled down to my heart like awkward headphone wires… I adjusted my hand so I could hold Sora’s as my face flushed because I was thinking about Axel. He didn’t look back at me nor question it, just held my hand back. He could always tell when I wasn’t feeling like me or if I was feeling upset or, ugh… What was the word I was looking for? Ugh, shoot me… And no, that wasn’t the word I was looking for.

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

I stared at my mother and blinked. “…Cookies?” She nodded. “Yeah. Teenagers like junk food right? Besides, even if he doesn’t, you still need to say thank you properly.”

“I said thank you to him!” I said, throwing my hands up in the air and I stomped over to the kitchen sink. Okay, so maaaayyybbbeee I didn’t… But still! He stripped me! I have to basically thank him for stripping me?! Hell no! “Besides, mom. What if he doesn’t like sweets? Gift, munny, and food wasted and embarrassment ensues. Plus, I’ll look like a girl.” I said, starting on the dishes. “At least it’s not December or something.” Sora pointed out, going over to clean the table. I loved how I said we weren’t, yet we were cleaning the kitchen in order to do so. “So? You two eat them when I make them.” Mom said, crossing her arms. “Yeah, ‘cuse you can cook. I can cut stuff, not bake stuff. You know if it includes heat or mixing, I suck.” Sora was good at that. I could cut stuff like a pro as long as I imagined it was mom’s head and paid attention to my fingers. “Roxas, stop being a prissy and help me fucking make cookies.” I sighed, resting my head on the faucet. “Fiiiiinnneee…” Sora came over and briefly patted my shoulder. “There just cookies Roxas. How bad could you really screw it up?”

Oh, Sora. You’ll see… You’ll see… Not on purpose! Honestly, I try, but I still manage to suck ass. It doesn’t matter if I do it EXACTLY as it says down to the second. I still manage to fuck up somewhere- Heeeeeeyyy! Just like my life!

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

“H-Here…” I mumbled, offering a plastic container of my death poison to Axel with my head turned to my left, oggling the floor. I swear to god I felt like a guilty Bianchi from “Katekyo Hitman Reborn!”. “Hn? For me? Really? Aw, Roxas, how’d you know it was my birthday?” My head snapped over to his direction, my eyes wide and shocked along with the rest of me. No fucking way… “It’s your birthday?!” He laughed. “No.” God, I’m going to spit on him… “A-Anyway, my mom made me, saying I needed to “thank you properly” or some shit. If anything, I’m going to be apologizing afterwards…” Axel looked at me confused, but I waved my hand in front of my face. “I-It’s nothing! Well, I’m going to class, see ya-“

“We have the same first block.” Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit… “Y-Yeah, but, um, I, uh…” Axel smiled at me and opened the box. “You scared of my opinion?” No, the cookies… “You may as well get it over with, right? Besides, they can’t be that bad.” He said, then took a bite.  
I cringed. I was tempted to run away to a foreign country and change my name (don’t ask me what, okay, ‘cuse I don’t know…) and never come back. I swear to god, there was a sickening purple aura, like steam out of boiling water, coming off of those cookies. He swallowed. I felt my fists shaking and I squeezed my eyes shut. It was quiet. “UGH! I knew it! Damn, it I should of tossed ‘em and just bought some!” I yelled, turning on my heel and trying to leave. “N-No, Roxas, they’re fine!” He said, grasping my wrist. “Don’t bullshit me! I know they’re bad! I can’t cook anything, alright?!” I felt his grip lighten, then he sighed and grabbed a fist full of the horrid creations I made. God, I feel like I made an edible Franken Stein… “Wha-What are you doing?” He shrugged and shoved the demented forms into his mouth. Oh, shit! I grabbed the collar of his shirt and started shaking him back and forth in a way that made him look like he was having a seizure if not something worse. “SPIT THOSE OUT DAMN IT! SPIT-THEM-OUT!!! YOUR ARE SO GONNA DIE EATING THOSE!!!” He opened his mouth and revealed them to be gone. “DAMN IT!!!” I said, basically throwing him onto the ground. Great, now he was going to have his insides explode into over a million pieces all ove-  
“I said they were fine, Roxas. Why don’t you believe me?” He asked me from the floor. My fingers started to twitch- or tremble… I couldn’t tell which… I just knew I was upset. “…Because your lying. I hate liars…” I swear to god, I felt like one of those girls in those mangas or some shits… Ugh… You know? The ones who can’t cook worth a shit, but yet have guys be nice enough to them to eat their burnt cookies? Well yeah. Those guys were lucky. Those were just burnt. This is what you’d call, as I come to be reminded of a classmate of mines title of something they were doing… “Death by Cookie”. “…Roxas, I’m not lying to yo-“  
“BULL SHIT! I ate one… They’re awful… Mom said if I didn’t give them to you, I’d be in for it… I ended up accidentally using salt instead of sugar,”  
I had grabbed the wrong bag, my paranoia of not fucking them up making me fuck up. It’s right next to the other- our salt and sugar- and I freaked and grabbed the wrong one, not even tasting it I was so deluded it was the right one.  
“Too much butter,” I had two packets that called for one cup of melted butter, I used a measuring spoon-cup things with a ½ cup measurement, and accidentally used four like an idiot. Well, I put it in, then melted it, and it was like half the thing, so I added more and melted it. You can now see where the chaos ensued, making it ridiculously liquid-y instead of dough like. The instructions should make idiot proof versions or something…  
“Then killing it with flour,” Mom made me use circular cookie cutters. They kept sticking to the rolling pin and counter, so she told me I needed more flour. I’d like to make note that even after my bitching of not being able to cook, mom _and_ Sora left me to my own accord. I don’t eat raw cookie dough because I was too nervous to anyways, it makes you fat (what am I a girl? _yes._ Shut up, inner voice), and gives you stomach aches if you eat too much. Anyway, yeah… I added so much damn flour the slightly yellow texture turned stark white because I… Well, you get it… Let’s just say I was also white along with the flour, entire counter, part of the sink, couldn’t find the rolling-pin for fifteen minutes, and… I was so stressed out making these… I wanted to cry. Mom just told me to clean my mess when I was done, not even getting mad a she walked by.  
“Then burning every single last one of them!” Our oven and me… Well, don’t ask. I think we had a fallout- well, not to say we were ever _in_ , but… Yeah, you get it…

“They’re terrible, yet your still trying to bullshit me!” He got up and dusted off his jeans. “Well maybe I like salty burnt things.” I swear to god, I’m going to punch him and then myself after I knocked him out because I feel like a FUCKING GIIIIIIIRRRLLL! UGH! STOMACH, YOU ARE A MAN OF STEEL! STOP BEING A GIRL BITCH AND GETTING BUTTERFILES! Wait- I’ll just call ‘em moths. Yeah, that sounds better… Moths…

“Roxas? You okay?” He asked, angling himself so he could attempt to get a better look at me face, which was angled towards the ground. “No, I’m currently deluding myself.” I said. I know I sounded sarcastic, but I was dead serious. He sighed. “Come on.” I glanced up, confused as he pulled me by my wrist down a hall. “Class is that way.” I said like an idiot. “I know.”I let myself be dragged, still confused and feeling like a pile of trembling mush. “We’re going to be late.” The idiot part of me persisted. “So? I didn’t know you cared, Foxy.” Okay, now I was feeling less like a girl because that pissed me off. “Ferret, I swear to god-“  
“Wait, woah, ferret? That’s a new one.” I’ve really never called him a ferret to his face? Damn. I’m honestly surprised. Wait- doesn’t this hallway lead to-  
“Yo, Mr. Mansex! I’m borrowing your room.” Axel called simply into the shadowy abyss. “Alright. I needed to go grab something out of the copier anyway. Ten minutes. I’ll write you passes.” Axel jeered. “Sweet!” Mr. Xemnas left the room and Axel alone with me to do- well, whatever it was that he was planning. Axel turned to me and let go of my wrist. “…Do you really want me to be honest?” I nodded, feeling like a girl again. He’s going to lie to me again and try to convince me that they were like chips or something… “…Honestly, They sucked.” Or that. My mouth twitched upwards and gave way to nervous, slightly hysterical laughter. “I knew it!” I laughed, pointing a finger at him. All of my pent up tension and nervousness was let out in my brief laughter. “But that doesn’t mean I don’t like them.” I stared, confused. How in the _hell_ did that work? “Huh?” He smiled at me. “I swear to god, if that’s not the most confusing thing I’ve ever heard come out of your mouth…” He sat down on a desk and crossed his legs. “I know. I feel bad because I can’t even explain it to you.” Simple then. He was lying again. “Okay, then you don’t like them.”

“They were bad, yes. But I still liked them.” I want to punch him… He was making my head reel. “…You make no sense.” He smirked and stood up on the desk. “How can I put this so you’ll get it…” He jumped off of the desk. “It’s like… A song you’ve got stuck in your head that you don’t like. You keep thinking about and singing it or humming it or whatever, but you know that something inside you is disagreeing with that.” …That made sense… “ I’m never giving you anymore by the way.” He pouted and fell to his knees, hugging my middle. “Aw, Roxas!” I pushed him away trying to pry him off. “Get off!” I sounded pissed, but not really trying all that hard to get him away.

I can understand why girls in manga get all frilly and moe over guys who say they like their cooking even if they both know it sucks. It makes their chest tight, and they get nervous. They want to fidget and cry, and run away, but at the same time, bum rush the guy in a hug who lied to them because of how nice they are to them: Tolerance.  
I think… Just a little… Smaller than a millionth of a pin head… That little, just that little, if not smaller… I might possibly almost maybe like him…

…  
…  
…  
…Almost…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> End A/N: lol Axel speaking French would be sexy right? I take it, so voila! Lol It translates to, “What?! You don’t eat lunch? No, no, no my sweet. That won’t do.” Lol Callin’ Roxas nick-names in French without him knowin’. Roxas would so kill him! Lol  
> Oh, and if you don’t get Roxas’ reference to Europe, Europe’s had a lot of wars and stuff, so… Ja. Lol  
> Axel’s house is based off of a real one. My grandmother cleans houses, and there’s this one that super huge and beautiful like that, but with different stuff obviously. I love going there! ^^  
> When I’m checking over this when I transfer it (old-school Alpha smart to an actual computer) I swear to god I’m partially insane. www (Japanese equivalent of “lol”)


	7. The Black Hole Effect

Chapter VII: The Black Hole Effect

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

We were talking about stars in science class. There were stars that, depending on their mass, will turn into another type of a star called a “red giant”, use up its nuclear fuel to form a “white dwarf”, then die as a “black dwarf”. Our science teacher said it was a basic life in comparison to a human. If stars don’t do that, they’ll turn into a “supergiant” explode into a “supernova”, and then collapse as a “neutron star” or a “black hole”. He compared this to the life of a yakuza member. If not, just fade away into nothing, quietly. An orphan never making any real progress in life, or a baby dying inside of its mother before being born.

My science teacher then decided to ask us which we think we’d be, based on who we are and how we would want to die, then he took the liberty of making each of us tell the entire class. I knew for a fact I wouldn’t have a “normal life”. I was scared of fading away into nothing, like the way I was going, but… I didn’t want a psychotic “boom” factor- which was probably how I was going to die, like it or not if my current life style kept up… But if I had to pick, I guess… I’d want it normal. I’d want a normal life with a non-psychotic mother and an actual father. I want to not have to worry about leaving Sora alone with mom- have the knowledge that he was safe and didn’t have to worry about him all of the time. I wanted to wear t-shirts and shorts without freaking out about everyone looking at my scars. I wanted to have a room with dirty clothes all over the floor that I’d occasionally pick up. …I wanted a god-damn girlfriend! Wait- “wanted”… So… What the hell do I want now if that’s not it…?

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

Faggotry. The only word to describe my current self on this hellish Friday evening. Naminé covered her mouth, trying not to laugh. Marluxia put his hand on my shoulder and grinned. “I think this is the best idea I’ve had for this place yet.” I was going to kill my boss… “Marluxia, this isn’t a maid café, so why in the hell-“

“Oh, come on. It’s funny.” I clenched my fists. “Yeah, to you two!” They both decided that was the moment they wanted to laugh hysterically at me. I threw my hands up in the air and stormed off into the bathroom, starting to strip out of the dress they managed to convince me into by pulling on the ribbon in the back. “Keep it on or I send a picture to Axel.” I stopped taking it off and turned around slowly. “…You wouldn’t.” Marluxia opened his phone to show me his lovely new background of my face a bright, fiery mess, clenching a fluffy, Lolita styled dress that was mainly white with a black apron and ribbons, looking stressed out so badly I could die. Naminé, who was currently wearing gangster gear, Shibuya style, came over to me and redid my ribbon.  
“It’s okay. No regular customer is going to see you. We’re closed right now, remember?” Now, everyone is probably like “wait- what? Why are you there then?” Am I right? Okay, Marluxia decided to do this for that damn group Axel is in- which was kind of counterproductive with the threat considering he’d see it one way or another.. Note how Naminé said, “regular customer”. Marluxia already texted everyone that if anyone takes pictures, he’ll break their phone and fingers, but didn’t tell them what of. He said it was because everyone seemed to be a bit depressed lately because of what happened last time they meet up (remember my stomach before the strip incident? Yeah.) And shitty stuff going on in their personal lives, so he decided to cheer them up, using his “lovely, loyal employees”.

I wined, pulling at one of the white knee high socks back up, feeling the black, silk bow on the side as I did so. “…How come Marluxia isn’t in girl clothes?” Naminé stopped tying the bow and Marluxia just stared at me. “…What?” Naminé made elephant noises out of her nose.  
“N-Nothing…” She said, obviously trying not to laugh. Marluxia waved it off. “Anyways, make sure you open the door for them when they get here- and call me once Zexion gets here.” Why just Zexion? I know it’s his boyfriend and all, but… I nodded anyway. Marluxia went into his office and shut the door. I turned around to Naminé. “I refuse to come out of the staff bathroom.” I told her, and stormed off. “Ro-Roxas, wait! It’s not that bad!” I shut the door. “Yes it is!” My voice echoed back at me as a reminder that it really was as well as my reflection in the mirror across the room. “Roxas…” I heard her call through the door. No. No way was he seeing me in a dress. Not in any hell or heaven would he do so. “Roxas, listen to me for a second, okay? I know you think it’s bad, but… Just wait until everyone gets here, okay? You’ll feel a lot better.” I scoffed. “How is all of them laughing at me going to make me feel better?” It was quiet for a minute. “…That’s not what I mean.” Huh? “Okay, then. What _do_ you mean?”

I heard the bell chime on the door. I heard someone rush over, panting. “Marly, texted me.” Axel panted, obviously very out of breathe. “Roxas… Dress… Where?!” I yipped, then smacked my hands over my mouth while Naminé laughed, covering up my noise with her own. Oh, shit… I knew he was going to come but… It still freaked me out… “He’s having a break down. Marluxia wouldn’t let him out of the dress, so he’s currently locked himself in the staff bathroom.” I heard him wine. “Roxxaaaaaassss! Come on out! Please? I was so excited I ran all the way here, totally forgetting I have a car!” He wined, sounding like a girly prissy. “That’s supposed to convince me to come out!?” I hissed back. “No, but will my threat of coming in work?” I scoffed. There were no windows in the bathroom. There was no way he was going to get it. “Right, because you can get in.” I said, sarcastically. “Naminé, if you would.” I heard a click coming from the door and whipped around to gawk at it. No, no, no, no, no, no… The door opened, revealing me to Axel, twirling a single golden key on a key chain around his index finger.  
“Bathroom key. Door gets locked, stuff happens.” Axel said, shrugging, then registered my current self in his head. “Aw, Roxas! You don’t look that bad.” He said, walking over to me, burying my face in his chest, the door behind us closing because of its own weight. “Yeah I do…” I mumbled, slightly muffled by a mix of the blue, frayed scarf around his neck and his orange guy muscle shirt. He stroked my hair. “Hey, at least it’s not showing any scars.” He said, as if me being hurt wasn’t a big deal. It was almost… Reliving that he said it like that. Like I had just fallen off of a skateboard in an embarrassing way that I just didn’t want to talk about…

I punched his shoulder so hard I think even Naminé heard it. He winced, letting me go to nurse his shoulder. “Well, damn… I want to know what hurts you like that and doesn’t get killed after the first bruise shows up…” He mumbled. My mother. My psychotic son-of-a-bitch mother. “Keep, talking- I’m better at kicking.” He crossed his legs and waved his hands back and forth in front of his face. “I-I’m good honest- …Ow…” He said, gripping his shoulder. I decided I didn’t want to be in a room alone with him anymore, so I left the bathroom. “Feeling better?” Naminé asked. I shrugged, going behind the counter. Some psychotic flame inside of me decided I was going to say “fuck you” to anyone who questioned the dress- which I for some reason, convinced (deluded) myself I could ware and still consider myself masculine later. “We need coffee and stuff, right?” I asked Naminé, turning around to her. She blinked, possibly taken a little aback by my change in mood just by being left alone with Axel for a few minutes, and nodded. I just hope she didn’t praise Axel for it… “Uh, Y-Yeah.” I grabbed the bag of French vanilla coffee beans and measured, tossing them into the blender afterwards. I tapped my foot until it was ground fine, then tossed it into the coffee filter in the coffee maker, not spilling a single little spec. I filled the coffee pot with water, then poured it in the back. I flicked it on and stared at it, taking the liberty to sit on the counter and kick my feet like a kid.

Gotta admit, the thing was breezy… It was quiet for a moment as I felt both of them staring at me. “…Is it bad I want to undo the ribbon and strip you?” I stopped kicking my feet. “Is it bad I’d let you so I could get out of this thing and put my regular clothes back on?” Axel laughed while Naminé’s face turned red. “Well, I was thinking more along the line of keeping your clothes off.” I scoffed. He was such a typical teenager. “Perv.” He sauntered over and hugged my back, burying his chin in my shoulder. “Roxy, you’re so cute.” He said, nuzzling me. I didn’t hit him, but I did stiffen up. “Call me cute one more time, I’ll drop kick you.” He laughed. It was a “just because laugh”, but it was nice. I blankly stared at the coffee pot doing its job. “Ugh… I’m so tired…” I mumbled. That was probably the only reason he was currently touching me the way he was without me killing him. He nuzzled me again. “I wanna take you home. I swear, Roxy, you’re so fucking cute-“ I elbowed him in his stomach. “Don’t finish that sentence.” I said. He held his stomach, forehead buried on my shoulder. “I was done…” I tipped my head. “Hn? Oh, my bad, I guess. All I really heard was “Roxy”, “cute”, and “fucking”. You can see where my mind went.” Axel pretended to bite my ear. “Aw, you think about me like that, Roxy?” I raised my elbow forwards as a warning and he jumped back. “Okay, okay!” He said, putting his hands up in defeat. “Jeeze! I’m kidding- Mostly…” I glared at him. “Don’t fuck with me when I’m tired. I _will_ kill you.”

The door gave way to the sound of the bell above it. “Well, well. I knew there was something funny about you, kiddo.” It was the guy with the scars and eye patch. “Fuck you!” I hissed at him and went back to staring blankly at the coffee. He put his hands up. “Hey, just saying. The fact that you let Ballerina-Boy put you in a dress and you’re still working for him- yet alone allowed it, makes you pretty damn brave or pretty damn stupid.” I shrugged. “Probably both.”  
I felt a presence next to my left side, and just thought it was Axel, turned to go yell at him and jumped and fell off of the counter with a thud. “Gya!” I looked up at the really big ginger hair colored man who also doubled as my gym teacher. When the HELL did he get here?! The eye-patch guy laughed. “Yo, Lexaeus, don’t scare the kid to death- although, I bet Axel’s nose is running with part of his brain from the cliché panty shot.” I looked down and squeaked, throwing my hands down over my crotch and squeezing my legs together. My face was so red it could rival Axel’s hair. I look over to see if the creeper was drooling. He was staring at the ceiling, scratching his cheek, face tinted a faint pink. He definitely saw, but wasn’t being a creepy perverted man whore like I thought he would be. I was almost kind of expecting him to be wiggling his fingers like a creep, tongue out, flailing like a snake’s, talking about all of his creeper fantasies- I really need to lay off of the anime… Still… The fact that he didn’t and just brushed it off almost made him seem a bit cool- like microscopic. Like, the constant loser main character with their even lamer side-kick cool, where like, they get _one_ moment of honest glory out of two-hundred episodes you for some reason watched. Very little.

“Anyway, bring me some coffee when you get a sec kiddo- black.” Lexaeus offered me his hand and I took it, still wondering how in the hell the large man got in so quietly without me noticing until he was a breath away, almost staring at him. Once I was standing, I was kind of expecting him to just walk away, but he kept staring down at me. “Wh-What?” He blinked. He opened his mouth a little, then shook his head and walked away. “Aw. Not gonna grace the kiddo with a handful of words, Lexaeus?” Eye-patch joked. Lexaeus just ignored him and sat down at a bench by himself. “Oh, just so ya know, Demmy might not make it. Tried to get a ride with me but, kid drives me so far up a wall I could scream, so I don’t know if he’s got a ride or not.” Axel snickered. “Sure. ‘Cuse that’s the only thing he drives up, Xigy.” A knife came flying off of the table and into the wall right next to Axel’s head at the same time the joke registered in my head. Naminé squeaked, I gawked.  
“X-Xigbar! No throwing silverware!” She scolded. She scurried over and worried out loud about the wall as she removed the dining knife. “Oh, man… That’s the third hole he’s made in one week… Oh, man, jeeze, I’ve got to go tell Marluxia- ah, wait, I can’t right now, ugh! He’ll be so mad… Do we even have any more primer and paint?” She muttered to herself. “Xigbar, you’re so getting the bill!” She said, whipping around and hissing at him. She was so mad her face was red. I almost laughed at her because she was so cute and serious, but I just couldn’t take her seriously- that and her current outfit was still internally cracking me up. I walked over and patted her shoulder. “Hey, it’s okay. From now on, just don’t give the animal silverware until he needs it, then take it back.” Xigbar stood up. “Hey, woah, woah. Did kiddo just put me under lock?” Axel laughed. “I guess so. Plus, you fucked with his man.” He joked. I just stared, my eyes wandering to the knife Naminé had plucked out of the wall. “…I changed my mind. Just hit your target this time.” Xigbar laughed out loud while Axel whipped around, looking a bit scared, but confused if I was serious. “Still, that statement means I own you, so if I do-“  
“I take it back, I take it back!” I laughed at him, Naminé taking a moment to giggle, Xigbar still laughing at us, and Lexaeus just watching.

The bell chimed again, giving way to sideburns (what was his name again?) and Demyx. “Yellow!” He called. “Green.” I replied to him. The hell? I don’t even like green… Ah, well. He laughed. “Sweet! I definitely like you!” I smiled a bit, and noticed the coffee was done and remembered patchy’s request. “You’re so dead.” I heard sideburns say to Xigbar, who just laughed in reply. It probably had something to do with the carpool thing. I grabbed an ivory mug and poured him some, putting it down on the table he was sitting at. “…Do I want to know?” Sideburns asked, looking me and Naminé over. “Know what?” Demyx asked, lost. “…You are one dumb kid, you know that? Do you not see the cross-dressing fiasco- oh, no.” Axel nodded. “Oh, yes.”  
It registered in Demyx’s head what we were wearing. “Oooooh! Wait- Why the- actually, I know but don’t want to.” I looked back and forth, confused. “What?” Axel grinned at me, sitting down in a chair and pulling me into his lap. “Just wait ‘till Zexy-tan gets here.” He said, nuzzling my cheek. Wow. Double nickname for him, I’m almost impressed. “Naminé said the same thing. I am so being kept in the dark about something…” I said, mainly to myself as Axel continued to nuzzle my cheek. Sideburns shook his head. “More like the light…” He mumbled. “Huh?” Xigbar leaned forwards on the table, taking the coffee in his hands with him, stretching, then leaning back into his normal position. “Nothin’ kiddo.” I looked them all over, an eyebrow raised. “Whatever…” I mumbled, getting up, forcing Axel off of me. “Speaking of arrivals, I also drove the nymph. What’s taking her?” Sideburns said. “Nymph?” I asked, confused. “Larxene. She’s a bitch.” Demyx said. “Right, Nami?” She glanced around the floor, not saying “no”, but scared to admit to her “yes”. “See?” Demyx said, pointing a dessert spoon. “Um, you guys have cake and crap, right?” Naminé giggled and nodded. “But may I ask what you mean by, “Crap”?” She said, pulling out a beautifully, vine decorated ivory cake with strawberry filling. He was basically drooling. “Oh, you know… Everything that goes on cake, ice-cream, and anything else you can think of that requires toppings.” …Does that mean on cake he eats- better yet, never mind… I don’t want to know what he eats. The bell chimed and the entire aura of the room changed.  
“WHAT THE HELL! UGH! MY MAKE-UP BAG SPILLED ALL OVER YOUR FUCKING CAR! YOUR FUCKING CAR RUINED MY MAKE-UP!” Um, I think she had that backwards… The fiery serpent blonde glared at me and raised an eyebrow. “…Okay, either I’m in hell, or Marluxia hired him.” She said, pointing a long, feminine finger at me. Sideburns nodded. “…Yes. And about my car-“

“You’re lucky I didn’t burn the damn thing. You see how they explode in movies? Beautiful. Live would be epic. If I hadn’t lost my eyeliner in it, it’d be in a heap of trouble…” Sideburns just stared at her. “…Larxene… My car is not a side show, nor a woman, unlike most men’s cars- It does not like to be covered in make-up.” Larxene scoffed. “Whatever, Xaldin. Suck it up. You owe me make-up!” Xaldin sighed. “Larxene, you delude yourself into thinking the world owes you out of its ass.” Larxene scoffed, crossing her arms, nose in the air. “It does.”

The bell chimed. “Larxene, the only thing the world owes you is a smack to the face.” Saïx. “Hey!” Axel said, waving. He nodded back at him. She scoffed at him. “The world owes you a punch in the face, virgin.” She said bitterly. “Says the whore.” He retorted. I sighed. “Can we all just shut up because the simple fact of the matter is no one dies a virgin because life fucks us all in the end.” Everyone stared at me, and I felt nervous pressure. Axel laughed. “Um, wow that was good. Although, I think life is currently in the midst of fucking you.” I played with a frill on the dress, nodding in agreement. “Yeah, It tends to constantly t-bag my ass.” I saw Saïx and Larxene smirk while Demyx busted out in obnoxious laughter, Axel just laughed normally. “I got to admit kiddo, that was a good one.” Xigbar said. My face tinted slightly from the complement- I wasn’t used to that at all. I was used to only my wrongs being pointed out… Saïxsat down next to Axel and pulled out an iphone. “That is so my new status.” He sounded so much like a girl I almost laughed out loud. “Not if I do it first.” Larxene said, sitting down, crossing her legs and pulling out an ipod with internet. “Bitch…” He muttered. “Faggot- no wait, that’s waitress boy.”

“Go suck your own chode…” I mumbled back. Xigbar laughed out loud at me again. Lexaeus was looking annoyed. “Man. I love and hate kids at the same time.” Xigbar said, wiping a tear from his eyes. “No, you like ‘em, you just hate being involved with ‘em.” Axel said, pointing an educated, matter-o-fact finger in the air. Xigbar thought about it, then nodded his head from side to side, as if he was listening to music. “uuuuhhhhhnnnn… Yeeeaah.” He admitted. “I personally just hate them.” Xaldin said, staring at us.

Saïx punched a fist in the air. “Ha! Bitch! Posted it first!” Larxene basically growled at him. “No, _I did.”_ Demyx smirked. “Guys, actually, I did.” He said, showing them both his ipod. They both looked and groaned. “Fuck you, mullet-head!” Larxene hissed. Saïx typed something into his phone. “You de-friended me?!” Demyx wined. I laughed, but it sounded like a sneeze. They were so lively… I was almost jealous.

Axel looked over at me and smiled warmly. “You don’t have to keep standing you know- Sit.” I shook my head. “No. This is still work. I’m getting paid for this.” I felt a little nudge at my backside. “It’s fine, Roxas.” Naminé said. “This part of the job doesn’t require so much formality. If you want to sit, then sit.” Axel nodded in agreement. “See? It’s all good. Now relax the best you can right now- until I want some of that cake…” I rolled my eyes and cut him a slice. “Aw, you’re such a good, understanding house wife, Roxy, dear.” I glared at him. “Want to be cake-faced?” He shook his head. “Nah, I’m good. Personally, I prefer bacon.” I blinked wait- what? When he didn’t get my reaction he sighed. “It was a joke.” It clicked. “…Ooohhhhh… Oh.” He laughed at me. “You’re so cute.” I glared at him, really wanting to flip him off. “Go screw a bed.”

“The one you slept in at my house? Already done.” My eyes grew wide. I picked up the cake and shoved it in his face. It was quiet as everyone just stared. “…Marly! Roxas just shoved cake in my face! Can I pick a suitable punishment?” He called to him, the cake on his face making him look like a monster. “Sure!” I heard him call back. Oh, fuck I am so getting raped… He picked me up bridal style and hauled me into the staff bathroom.  
“put-Me- _DOWN_!” I ordered, hitting him. “No. You cake-faced me. I could make you deal with your punishment in front of everyone else, would that be better?” My face heated. “N-No…” He closed the door with his foot. “Good. Now,” He pointed to his face. “Lick it off.” I gaped at him. “Ew, no! Gross!” He continued to point to his face. “I’d much rather be raped! Come on! I’ll take my clothes off!” I said, standing up and pulling at the ribbon. He just stared at me and sighed, getting up. “Wh-What?” He went over to the sink and shook his head, turning on the water and washing his face. “Nothing. You’re just a bit dramatic.” I blinked, the shoulder part of the dress falling off of its specific body part. Did I piss him off? Still! He insulted me, so I reacted accordingly! He can’t be mad because I refused to lick his face like a cat! When he was good and cleaned up, he turned around towards me. “Fine. Fix your bow and I’ll feed you cake while you sit on my lap.” I pulled the other shoulder down. “Still much rather be raped…” He picked me up again and carried me out to everyone else. I pulled the cloth up over my shoulders, now getting extremely embarrassed. Wait- did that mean I felt more comfortable around him? Oh, god… Somebody punch me… Axel sat down and ordered cake from Naminé like he was a king or something, me on his lap. “What? No rape?” Xigbar asked. “That’s so gross…” Demyx said. Larxene glared at a wall. Another car pulled up.

Axel took a dessert spoon and put a small bit of cake on it. “Say, “aaaah”.” He said, offering me cake. My stomach was in knots…  
I felt like I was going to vomit. My face was so hot and red I felt like I was going to pass out. I opened my mouth, refusing to say anything, my hand’s grip tightening ever so slightly on his shirt. It tasted good… I swallowed, face still red. He smiled and put his forehead to mine. “You look like you’re going to pass out. You okay?” I shook my head quickly and pushed him away, moving back as well to get as much distance between us as possible. He smirked. I noticed everyone was either talking to one another, or on their phones, or just enjoying the atmosphere. No one was paying attention to us… Even Naminé was chatting with Demyx about some song. No one was looking… And no one cared. It was almost a shock to me. This was the type of thing kids got made fun of for, yet no one cared… I was offered cake again. I opened my mouth ate took it, putting a little resistance on the spoon as he pulled it back. He nuzzled my cheek and my face flushed. “Wow, you’re quiet when you’re embarrassed.” He whispered in my ear, the heat from his breath making me squeeze my eyes shut from getting dizzy from over-heating. I really wanted to retort about how he never got embarrassed and had no shame, but I didn’t.  
He feed me some more cake as someone else came in. “Well, well. Looks like a cross dressing maid café. Almost cute if not for the psychotic boss.” The creeper-teacher, Mr. Vexen. “Vexen, no one cares about your opinion.” Axel said, not even looking at him as he spooned me more cake. He looked at me and smiled, pushing smirked. He licked the spot on the side of my mouth where there was apparently cake. I squeaked, squeezing my eyes shut and tensing. He laughed at me. “Axel, stop teasing him.” Saïx said from across the table, not even bothering to look up from his phone. “Always so serious, Isa.” Saïx glared at him. “Shut up, _Lea_.” Huh? Isa? Lea? I looked at Axel, confused. He smiled. “When we were kids, we got tired of everyone picking on us and our names, so we changed them by taking the “X” out of them and rearranging letters. We cut that out around middle school, realizing it was stupid, so now we only do it when we’re picking on one another. Right, Isa?” Saïx flipped him off, not even bothering to grace Axel with a glare. I was offered more cake and took it, my face resuming its crimson color.

The bell chimed again. I looked over, taking the spoon in my mouth with me. Axel smiled, chuckling to himself, and took it out of my mouth. “Hey.” Zexion said, entering the room. Everyone stopped and looked up at him. “Oh, is he doing that again. Well, I’m getting laid.” Naminé’s face flushed bright red as she fast walked over to behind the counter. Axel snickered. “Don’t you always when he does this?” I was lost aside from the sex part. “Okay, can someone explain?” Naminé pulled out a sketchbook and started drawing. “Uh-oh. Girly’s getting’ serious.” I stared at Xigbar. “Huh?”

“Nami likes to draw, but when she has to do it for like, school or something, it looks like a kid did it. But when she does it for personal reasons- well, um… Just don’t look… She can really draw and it gets a bit graphic…” Demyx said, looking embarrassed. Her face flushed as she covered it with her sketch book. “I told you not to look…” I kind of wanted to see now. Axel caught me staring at her, wondering what in the hell she draws. “Roxas,” I hummed as a reply. “Naminé’s a fujoshi.” I stopped wondering. “…O-Oh…” I said, glancing around awkwardly. Poor Demyx. He saw. “By the way, Nami-chan, can you draw me and Roxy?”

Her face heated at the same time mine did. “NO WAY!” I yelled, an instant after the words left his mouth. “I-It’d just be moe… I wouldn’t make it… You know… I-I mean… Um, uh…” Naminé had each of her fingertips touching the opposing hand’s, pressing them together out of nervousness. “She means she likes you too much to get super graphic in drawing you without having a nose bleed all over her paper or insulting your body- which, I can tell you what it looks like if you want Nami-chan.” She swooned a little. I glared at him. “I swear to god I wi-“

“Marly! Your man’s here!” Axel called. The door to his office cracked open. Everyone was quiet as tension built up. Zexion went and sat down at a table, not as intently interested as everyone else.

A tall girl in a light pink cocktail dress with the waist down of the left side adorned in light purple ruffles exited Marluxia’s office. She had dark purple heels that offset the light colors as well as her thin bracelets. Her hair was pink and layered, making me wonder if she was related to Marluxia. She had pale, pink lips and natural looking make-up on. She was pretty, but in a mature way. Like, the girl you couldn’t stop staring at that was at a party but would never have the balls to even say hello yet alone if you got caught staring. “Hello~!” She said, waving her light purple, manicured nails and her fingers at us, arm holding a chic, expensive looking light pink purse; the same shade as the dress.  
“Well damn.” Zexion said, covering his mouth with the spot in between his index and thumb finger. She giggled and waved at him, going over to his and kissing him, which turned into a French kiss outside of their mouths. Wait- wouldn’t Marluxia be mad at this chick for kissing his boyfriend? “Um, Axel,” I said, pointing at them. “Yeah?” He asked, laughing. “Why’s she kissing Zexion? Won’t Marluxia be pissed?” He laughed at me and hugged me. “Oh, Roxas. You play like a bad ass, but you’re actually so innocent.” I was confused. “That _is_ Marluxia.” I blinked, then my eyes widened as I pulled away. “HA?!” Axel laughed in a way that resembled Demyx’s and nodded. “Yup.” I pointed, sputtering gibberish, then looked back at Axel, back at them, rinse and repeat. I finally managed to get my words out. “MARLUXIA’S A CROSS-DRESSER?!” Zexion pulled away and Marluxia look at me through narrow, cocky eyes. “More accurately said “drag queen”, hun.” He said. “I don’t care how you say it, it’s still a shock that you do it!” I swear Naminé was sketching so hard I saw smoke.” She was quietly squealing to herself as she drew something I probably never ever wanted to see. It then clicked. “…So… _My_ outfit…” Axel nodded. “Yup. Marluxia’s good entertainment. He gives us our own personal shows.” I gaped. “…Shows?”

“Not like that, Kiddo.” Xigbar said, obviously knowing where my teenage mind went. “…S-So…” I just stared at Marluxia. “You’d never know, right?” He said, laughter in his voice as he smiled at me. “If you’d stop freaking over the maid outfit, I could make you look so cute too.” He said. Why did that statement seem evil to me? “N-No thanks. My family picks on me enough as it is.” I said, remembering my trip home from Axel’s house and the stupid feather boa. “But you’d be so cute! New show idea, guys! Let’s make Roxas look like the doll that he is~!” Marluxia said, turning psycho. “Rosetta, calm down.” Zexion said, pulling Marluxia into his lap. “But he’d be so cute.” She- er, he said in a lustful tone, his head turned so her- ugh! HIS lips were just barely brushing Zexion’s. “Rosetta?” I asked Axel. “Drag queen thing. Rosetta is what’d you call Marly in drag.” Zexion sighed. “Fine. Axel, you know your okay with this, so help out.” Axel gave me an apologetic smile. Oh, nooooouuu… “…A-Axel?” I asked, some part of me hoping he wouldn’t; That he’s odd love for me would save me from the make-up and whatever else they were going to do to me. “C-Can uh, we at least play drag-zombie so I’m not alone?” Xigbar looked lost. “I’ve heard of “zombie”, but “drag-zombie”? What ch’a got in mind kiddo?” I wiggled away from Axel, inching towards the door. “You know… The usual zombie game. One person is a zombie, whoever they catch is infected. But, Maluxia-“

“Rosetta.” Zexion and Marluxia both corrected me at the same time. “Uh, yeah, Rosetta,” I said, still inching for the door. “Can be zombie, but who ever she marks with lip-stick has to be put in drag. Fair?” Xigbar chuckled. “And the game last for how long?” I looked at the clock, catching a glimpse of an eager Naminé. “An hour sound good?” I asked, fingers touching the cold handle. Xaldin shrugged. “Okay. So, um, is Zexion also playing on Marluxia’s side- because he’s already covered in lipstick.” I looked over at him as he whipped his mouth. “U-Uh, whatever he wants.” Get out, get out, get out, get out, get out, get out, get- “I’ll play with Rosetta.” Zexion confirmed for us. “Alright. Lexaeus? You want to be time keeper?” Xaldin offered. Lexaeus nodded. “Alright. So, everyone’s playing Drag-Zombie but Lexaeus?” Demyx confirmed. Everyone nodded, no objection. “This actually sounds kind of fun, Rock-boy.” What am I a kid Megaman now? “Okay, Lexaeus, gives the word.” Everyone stood up, Naminé came out from behind the counter. Lexaeus raised his hand, and… My hand tensed on the door, and it was dead silent aside from the music that was playing. The door handle slipped away from me and the bell chimed.

“Oh- Hey, watch it.” A tall, built blonde man said, jumping. “Aww! Now we got to recap! And there was all that tension too!” Demyx wined. “So? Wouldn’t it be worth it if you could see Luxlord in drag?” Saïx prompted. Demyx’s eyes lit up as well as Larxene’s. “Although, it’d be more funny on Lexaeus…” She added. “Wait- what did we miss?” Luxlord asked, confused. “We’re going to play zombie, but if you get caught, you get turned into a drag queen later.” Luxlord looked down at me. “Kid loose already?” I glared at him. “Anyway, my car’s busted, so Xemnas had to come get me. That’s why it took so long for us to get here.” Mr. Xemnas appeared behind Luxlord out of the shadows. “Sorry.” Luxlord apologized to everyone. “It’s fine. Head’s up though, Lexaeus’ hand goes to, you go down. Move out of the doorway.” Luxlord moved, a large grin on his face. “I do love a good game.” Mr. Xemnas smiled as well. “Alright. It sounds fun. Whenever you’re ready, Lexaeus.” Lexaeus scanned everyone else’s face as a way of checking, then… …Ugh! Come on! Come on come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, com- His hand went down in one smooth motion.

Marluxia kissed Zexion, who smiled into it, then they split up to get us. I ran out of the shop. I even thought of calling mom to come get me- ultimate safe- eeeeexept for my current outfit… Shit… My pants and shirt were inside in Marluxia’s office… Damn it… I hope the window is unlocked… Wait- damn it! This is like that zombie movie series that’s also a video-game! That one character’s got to go get something in order to get out and everyone’s zombie-a-fied. Fuck it. I couldn’t run in this dress, and stark white stood out at night… I was a dead target. Fuck… I dove for a bush and stripped of the dress. I was basically mummy dressed; arms and legs covered in bandages. I was left in my boxers and a tank top. Okay, okay, diversion- someone’s coming.  
Heh… Heh… South Park… I mentally smacked myself. Jeeze, I was so antsy… It was enough I was in a dress. Full drag was an entirely different story I was not going to read yet alone touch nor buy. The footsteps walked past me and my bush. I sighed quietly. I stood up and look around for a place to hide. Huh. I spy a tall building that looks like a tree house minus the tree and on stilts. I continued to look around for a place to put the dress as a distraction… Tree. Good. I tied the arms of the dress around my neck and climbed the tree. Once I was decently up, I adjusted the dress so you could see a tiny portion if you looked, but only if you were really looking- but not too hard. I scanned to see if I could see someone, and witnessed Demyx getting tipped by Larxene, in which turn, Marluxia kept running after her. “AGH! BULL SHIT!” She hissed. I chuckled, liking Marluxia’s humor and unclichéness.

I climbed down from the tree and ninja’d over to the tree-house like structure, which turned out to resemble a small water tower on the outside. I hunted for a ladder and found one. It was old and rusted, but sturdy, so I climbed it. It was ideal because it was near Oblivion, but a decent ways away. Door, door, door… Door. Shit: No handle. The rim of it was rusted and the hinges were either going to fall off or never move. I pressed on it with my shoulder and it budged slightly. Okay, so it’s open and the hinges would probably fall off. I figured I’d give it one good push to see if it would open. I feel flat on my face. “Ow…” I rubbed my nose. Ew, the hell…? I inspected my hand. Okay, it wasn’t blood, but other than that I was stumped. I sighed and rubbed it on my boxers as I stood up. I looked out once more to see if I could see anyone. Yeah, but they were pretty far out there. Jesus it’s cold… Maybe I should have kept the dress and used it as a blanket… I closed the door, but not all of the way because it pushed inwards, and there was no handle. The room had no windows, and I didn’t know what the hell it was. I went and sat down on in a corner. It was nice and quiet. I could only strain to hear nothing.

It was probably twenty minutes before I started to doze off. I jumped awake and looked around, not seeing anything. I sighed and let my head fall back with a thump. Damn it… I had to pee… Ah well. Hold it, Roxas. About another half hour and I should be good. I wonder how many of them got caught yet… I lifted my hand up and something heavy scratched me before falling off of it. I jumped up. “Oh, shit- oh, shit!” I heard it squeak and run over my foot. “Oh- Damn it!” I hissed. Fuck that! I am so getting out of here! I went to run over to the door and stepped on another one. It bit me and I fell. Ah-ha-ha! Rabies, rabies, rabies, rabies…! I heard it basically yell a battle cry from my left and I felt something bite my hand. “Shit!” I flailed like a kid and kicked myself backwards. I heard a thud. Oh, no… Oh, no, oh, no… I stood up and felt the wall, feeling a crease. Oh, shit… Oh, god, oh, god… I started to hyperventilate. I had just basically locked myself inside of a pitch black room full of rats. I tried putting my fingers into the creases to no avail. I was panicking, reminding myself how there were no windows, so no oxygen right? Oh my god I’m gonna die of suffocation and rats are going to eat me! If I live to starve, I might try to eat one of them- raw. Would that mean I’d have to bite their heads first? Or- I vomited. Oh, god, oh, god, oh, god, oh, god…

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

I cried. Yeah. I was so scared I almost pissed my pants. My hand and opposite wrist was bleeding and probably infected from the damn rats. And I was right about being loud. I tried banging on the door, but that just made them scurry- mainly over me. I screamed like a girl and fled to the corner, my now current situation. It had definitely been over an hour. I wondered if they were just waiting for me to come back, not worried at all. Putting everyone else who had lost in dresses and lipstick. It almost made me laugh- almost. I did for a tiny little nano-second before I started to cry into my knees again. Fuck… I’d choose my psycho mom over this any day. I remembered a saying from who knows how long ago: “Someone’s always got it worse.” Oh yeah. I had a house, a loving brother, my sanity- mostly… And… I was so stressed right now I was actually considering Axel as a friend. Yeah, once I was safe, I’d go back to my normal self and never admit to it, but… Right now, I just wanted somebody to save me- wait- save? Oh, damn, damsel in distress. Funny. If I still had the dress, it might of made me laugh out loud from sheer fear.

Ugh… Good going Roxas this place smells like vomit… And rat… And mold… And rust… AND I WANT TO GO HOME!!! I strained to hear something- anything. Somebody- anything other than the rats and myself whimpering. I want to go home… I want to go home… I want to go home… I want to go home… I want to go home… I want to go home… I- I hear something. I got up and went over to the door and pressed my ear to it. I could barely hear it, but I heard something… Oh, please… Just get a bit closer and not be something that’s going to kill me… I waited, hearing the rats scurry, screech and possibly fight over something. Oh, god, please… I don’t want to die in here, I really don’t… I’d much rather have my mother kill me- please? Please, please, please, please, please, please, plea-

…  
…  
…  
Someone called me. I could barely hear it, but someone called me. If I was on the verge of dying, I would say “I could die happy” and all that shit, just because I knew someone was actually looking for me, but I wasn’t dead yet and nowhere near it. I looked around the dark room, or more or less just turned my head since I couldn’t see anything, and took in a deep breath. Oh, god… I’m going to hate rats for the rest of my life… Now, I know some of you are like, “oo, rats, big deal.” Do you know how big these fuckers are? Try like, an average size bottle of rubbing alcohol. They weren’t mice, the size of your palm if not smaller- these were fucking rats. Huge ass mother fuckers that were probably breeding somewhere and planning to eat my ass.

I heard someone calling me again, followed by another person. Oh, please, get a bit closer, ‘cuse if I’m going to bang so you can hear me, please just let me have to do it for only a minute… Their calls were getting father away. No, no, no, no! Shit! I hit the door once, which cause a rat to screech at me. My whole body jumped and whipped around, my back to the door. I saw myself in the future as a creepy demented kid with screwed up hair and cracked teeth, hissing back at them. Oh, fuck NO! I turned around and started wailing on the door, imagining it was my mom.  
Funny… If you think about it that way, and if they come and save me, my psycho mom is what actually did. They hissed at me again, and it just made me freak out and pound harder. Oh, come on, please get me out of here… Please! I squeezed my eyes shut in an attempt not to cry and kept banging, resting my head on the door as the first one ran over my feet. I tensed and bit my lip, trying so hard not to scream as I kept banging. “Please…” One bit me; I screamed. I panicked and started yelling, pounding and kicking the door, screaming like a kid. “GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF HERE! NOW! _AXEL!_ ” Wait- Did I just seriously call for Axel? Oh, hell… If someone heard that, I’ll never live it down… Still… I guess that shows, in the current situation or one of similar happenings, I’d rely on him. “HELP! PLEASE! GET ME OUT OF HERE!” One jumped and bit a little lower than my knee. I screamed and heard the calls get closer. Come on! Hurry up! PLEASE! I kept yelling and banging, my mind remembering, not to my help, an episode of “One Thousand Ways To Die”, where this guy was eaten alive by rats because he was stuck in a sewage pipe trying to run away from police- He was alive long enough to feel them even eat part of his brain. That was so NOT HAPPENING! I screamed louder, making my throat raw, banged harder, making my hands hurt. They all started biting and jumping and biting and biting and I was so getting rabies! I screamed as loud as I could. Then, I heard it.

“Roxas! Move away from the door!” I started to cry as I moved away, shaking and just really wanting to go home. Some rats followed me and kept biting, making me flinch. I heard the door get pushed in a little, then, once more, it flew open. I bum rushed whoever opened it in a hug, making them fall on the platform with me. I heard a rat screech. “Door- Door! SHUT THE DOOR!” I cried, clenching their shirt and squeezing my eyes shut. I hear it slam, cutting off a rats screech. “Roxas- hey…” I was bawling. I just wanted to go home now... I wanted to get yelled at for not cleaning the kitchen. I wanted to joke around with Sora. I wanted to go to school and punch that Seltzer kid. I wanted to pick fun at Marluxia for wearing a dress, then end the fight with me having to wear one at work again and admitting it was okay and I thought he was cool. I wanted-

“Roxas?” I looked up at Axel. I was shaking so bad, my eyes probably looking swollen from how much I cried, my bandaged in a huge bloody disarray, and I was probably covered in dirt and definitely my own blood, probably smelled like vomit and rat, and- and I just wanted to go home… He sat up, stroking my hair. “It’s okay… I got you. It’s okay now…” He picked me up and put me on his back so he could climb down the ladder. Once he was down, he continued to carry me. He managed to pull out his cell phone. “…Hey? Marly? Yeah, I got him. …That old water tower. Yeah. Apparently it was infested with rats, and he couldn’t open the door. …It had no handle and opened from the outside. …Yeah. Call his mom, okay? …Yeah… Yeah. Okay. See you guys in a bit.” I had stopped crying, but I was still shaking. He looked down at me and just… The look he gave me… I could tell I must have looked really pitiful… I buried my face in his shirt so he couldn’t see it- That and I didn’t want to see him look at me like that… It’d be the same look he would probably give me if he were to ever find out what was happening at home… I wondered if it was the same look he gave me when he first saw my scars and bruises…

He stopped walking.

“…Roxas?” I hummed as a reply, and even that sounded shaky. He sighed and kissed my head. My face tinted pink even though I didn’t budge from my position aside from the shaking. “…Next time we do something like this, we do partners, got it?” He was still trying to crack jokes… I fake laughed a little and nodded. “Okay… I call dibs on you.” I said, looking up at him. His face blushed a little. “…Oh, yeah? Even though you hate me?” He asked. “Who said anything about hate? Utter dislike sure. Besides- who else would I want to be locked in a room from of man-eating-rats with?” He laughed and I smiled. As much as I hated him, or more or less kept denying I liked him, I still… He still made me feel better over things like this. “…You know, this is the second time you’ve done this for me.” He blinked. “Is it?” I nodded. “Yeah. Although, I can’t help but feel like a black cat. This is only the second time the group has meet up at Oblivion, and the second time I got hurt…” He sighed and sat down. “Roxas…” I wasn’t expecting him to say anything, really. I just more or less wanted to point it out, if for no reason at all. But both times… “…But both times you helped out the princess in a boy body.” I joked. His eyes widened. “R-Roxas…” I wrapped my arms around his neck and hugged him. “…Thank you…” He hugged me back- gently, as to not hurt me, which in turn, made me realize how fragile I actually was. I wanted to cry again, but I had drained my body of all tears, so instead, I just buried my face in his shoulder. “…Is it bad I want to kiss all the boo-boos away?” I laughed a little, weakly. “Go for it…” I mumbled. I was safe, and tired. Right now, I didn’t even care if he did, or if I ended up at his house again. I just…

He kissed me.

Even though I said he could, I was still shocked that he really did. I honestly thought he was just going to say he was kidding or whatever, but… “So, did I taste like vomit?” I asked. We both laughed, but I laughed like I wanted to cry. I wasn’t expecting my first kiss to be something out of a story book, nor have me tasting so gross, or by a guy, but… Considering how first kisses go, I guess this one was okay. He picked me up and carried me back to Oblivion, and in the short trip, I passed out in his arms, feeling completely safe- not that I’d ever admit it out loud of course.

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

I woke up to being in my regular clothes with new bandages in Axel’s arms. “Hey.” I looked up at him, not registering where we were. “…Hey…” I mumbled, and then buried my face in his chest. “…Roxas you okay?” I jumped ten feet, feeling ridiculously ridiculous and embarrassed. “S-Sora what-?” I looked around. I was home, in my living room. I was lying on Axel on the couch, Sora sitting on the floor, looking up at me. I looked up at Axel. “Marly drove.” I just looked at him and sighed, adjusting myself so I could look at Sora better. “Hey.” I said to him. He sighed and hugged me. “Ow- Roxas sandwich here!” I hissed, not knowing if mom was asleep. He jumped back. “S-Sorry!” I sat up and looked around. “It’s okay.”

It registered in my brain that Axel was in my house and had met my mom. I looked over my shoulder at him, really worried. “It’s okay.” Sora told me. I looked over at him. We both had the same, blank expression on our faces, both of us knowing what was running through the other’s head. As most people would put it, it was a “twin-thing”. “Uh… What time is it?” I asked before Axel could address it. Sora glanced behind his shoulder. “Um… Around three.” My eyes grew to the size of saucers. “Three in the morning?!” I hissed. I looked over at Axel, who saluted at me. “…You didn’t have to stay, you know.” He sat up, taking me with him, end result me being in his lap. “Yeah, but… I was worried. You were so freaked out. I only told your brother and mom what I knew, so, you good on the other stuff?” I bit my bottom lip and nodded. Even if I really wasn’t, I couldn’t be a baby.  
“I’m letting you know now Sora, if you ever make fun of me while I’m screaming over a mouse on a chair, I will kill you.” He looked confused, but laughed. “…Um, okay?” I shuddered. “Nasty little fuckers… Sora did we ever get rabies shots?” He laughed again. “I didn’t know we needed them.” I pointed a finger in his face. “I swear to god, I’m going to the doctors and getting one. Those fuckers are nasty… I’m gonna have nightmares for weeks!” Axel hugged my middle. “Well, you seemed okay tonight. Want me to stay over every night so you sleep good?” He joked. I raised an elbow and he let me go. “Kidding!” I knew he was but… I only did that because I wanted to say “yes”… I mean, I was so tired and out of it and comfy that I had just looked around and laid back down on him because I didn’t know Sora was there. If he wasn’t there, I probably would of just went back to sleep and woken up to mom being mom and embarrassing me, if not being a psycho.

“Yeah, he’s just embarrassed.” Sora said, a giant grin on his face. Mine turned red and I got pissed about how he saw right through me. “Sora…!” He laughed at me as I fake hit him with semi-seriousness. I pinned him down on the floor, straddling him, and tickled him, making him beg for me to stop in between laughter. Axel just stared. “…Wow. I don’t know whether to be turned on or just watch this illegal incest.” We both looked at him and glared. At the same time, we both grabbed a pillow and threw it at him. “Fuck off.” We both said. The pillows fell off of his face and he looked lost. “…Wow. J-Just wow. That was in perfect synch. I’m almost scared.” I got off of Sora and he sat up. “Don’t joke about that.” I said bitterly, glaring at him. Sora held his ankles together and just stared at them, obviously depressed now.

“…Okay did I just step on a land mine? Because if I did, I’m really sorry, guys…” Sora looked up at him to join me in glaring. I lessened the intensity of mine. It’s not like he knew or anything, so… It’s not exactly his fault… “…Do you want to tell him?” Sora asked. I shrugged. “It’s up to you too, you know.” He looked over into the kitchen. “…I don’t mind… We told Riku, so I don’t see what’s wrong with telling Axel.” I raised an eyebrow at him. “Okay, one: Are we really comparing _Riku_ and _Axel_? And two: Everything is wrong with telling Axel anything.” Sora just smirked. “Well, I just meant it as he’s kind of your friend.”

“Um, “kind of” a stalker.” Axel stood up and stretched. “You didn’t seem to mind when I was saving you from Giant Mutant Rats in the Dessert Tower.” I turned to look at him. “…Oh, what am I? A mix of princess Zelda and the Princess Bride?” His eyes grew wide. “Oh my god, you watched that?” I cross my arms. “Coming from the one asking if I watched it?” He shook his head. “Never mind. But, um… What exactly did you want to tell me or not tell me?” I looked over at Sora. He shrugged. “I don’t mind…” I looked over at Axel, who had his hands in his pockets.

“…We’ve just… Always been really close… Even as kids, everyone- including the adults made fun of us or thought we were weird… They’d pick on us and say we were going to get married, and the adults would hear and think we suggested it and lecture us, making us freak out and cling to one another more.” Sora’s face was pink as he picked a string off of the couch. “They would always say that if we were getting married, I should be the one in the dress…” He mumbled. “The adults seriously sat mom down one day and told her to take us to counseling because they thought we were… You know…” I mumbled. “Okay- wait? You were how old?” I shrugged while Sora gave a number. “Six or seven.” His eyes grew wide. “Seriously?” I scratched the back of my head. “…Yeah… Our mom got really upset about it.

Even now, she’ll still freak out about little things like if we sleep in the same bed, or if we get too close to one another physically.” I sat down on the end of the couch close to Sora. He hugged my legs and I smiled, patting his head. “…Like this… She’d be really mad because people always made a big deal about of how close we are…” My expression was neutral, if not one at all. “But in turn, I guess it only made us closer, which made everyone more paranoid.” Sora nuzzled my leg. “Roxas, I’m tired…” The warm smile was back. I loved him so much. I’d honestly do anything for him. I liked moments like right now. It was simple and contenting. If I could just stay like this with him- not being bothered by anyone, being able to be close without ridiculed, I honestly think I’d be the happiest kid alive.  
“Then go to bed, stupid.” He looked up at me and pouted. “Yeah, but, the monsters are back in the closet. They’re gonna keep me up all night.” I laughed. “Oh yeah. Monster party.” It was an inside joke. When we were kids, Sora was always paranoid about monsters under his bed and in the closet. I convinced him that the thumping was the monsters having a party. They had picked his bed and closet because it was comfy and littered with clothes- He started cleaning up better after that. “Oh, yeah. They’re glad your back and that your okay.” He said. It was his way of saying he was glad I was okay and home. They way he said it reminded me of when we were kids and when he’d give me trinkets and flowers and stuff.  
It was like that Pon and Zi picture where he said he was getting a flower, but it tried to eat him, so instead he got him a blade of grass: That was Sora all day. He was (and still is) always so klutzy and would hurt himself. He made a daisy chain for me when we were five at a park. He had ran over to show me and fell, busting his nose and knee. He cried, but still brought me the only surviving flower. It was cute. (In all honesty, I’ve still got it, and it’s pressed in between the pages of a bloody, violent horror story. Pretty slick, huh?) “Alright, butt-face, come on.” It’s either throw in a word or two of meanness, or get so fucking fluffy with my brother we choke on the excessive amount of pink cotton in the air.”

He wined. “I don’ wanna…” Even so, he stood up. “I’ll be up in a sec, okay?” He nodded. “Night, Axel.” He said, waving as he went up the stairs. He nodded back. I waited until the door closed. “…So no more incest jokes, got it?” I said with no real tone in my voice. He sat down next to me. “…Sorry. Didn’t know it was a touchy subject. Want to forewarn me on anything else before I step on another land mine?” I shrugged and stood up, not really wanting to be next to him that closely. No real reason for it, I just felt uncomfortable. “Just… Me I guess… I’m a human land mine, got it?” I said, turning to him, a grin that could rival Sora’s on my face: It was fake. He just blinked at me. He got up and then hugged me, pulling my head into his chest. “…I’m sorry…”

I could only sit there, eyes wide. We both knew he wasn’t apologizing over anything that was verbally said. But… I knew why he said it. It was a reason I knew, but buried in the back of my mind, not ever wanting to address. But because I only buried it under other things instead of locking it away in an internal Pandora’s Box, I knew it’d resurface- like trying to sink a water buoy. I also knew I wanted it to come back up- just not now… Right now… I was comfortable enough with him, talking about it with him, or even myself. So, for now, I’d just burry it, wait until it resurfaced, or until he pulled it out of my dead sea in one way or another.

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

I yawned and sat up, looking around my room. I looked over at the clock through blurry eyes. Well damn. It was _definitely_ after ten and mom hadn’t woken me up yet. She must have been really worried about me… Hell, if I didn’t know her I might of almost felt bad about making her worry. I went under my shirt and scratched my stomach for no reason but need of motion. I didn’t want to get up, but I did. Personally, I enjoyed lying in bed for as long as I could, just thinking to myself about any and everything. Sometimes I’d just come up with stories I’d tell myself, thinking of a line or two to remember that I liked, writing it down along with made up names I liked on scrap paper. Sora’s found a couple and went through the liberty of buying me a notebook to scribble them down in so I wouldn’t lose them. If I didn’t have enough time, I’d, as made up by an Alice in Wonderland movie I saw, try to “think of ten impossible things before breakfast”- that or quotable lines and lessen it to one, five max (I am _way_ to lazy for all that). Alright, so, for today… Theme, theme… I heard Axel’s obnoxious laughter coming from downstairs.

Got it.

I got up and pulled the green notebook off of our bookshelf as well as a pen out of a holder. I opened to a random page and scribbled at an angle;  
“Laughter of a mad man can bring sanity.”

Now, most people wouldn’t get this. But, things like this are supposed to make you think. Sometimes I’ll flip through the notebook and go, “The _hell_ did I mean by that?” But this one… It means that if you find something displeasing, something you don’t want to be but thought you did, it makes you realize some things. Yeah, sure, everyone goes, “Fuck yeah, it’d be so cool if this happened so I could go nuts!”, but the actuality isn’t what most people would think it would be. When you see it first hand, uncensored and raw, you realize that’s not true anymore. You tend to like yourself a bit more, and if you find something you honestly like and want to be more like. Hey, like Neku Sakuraba, a kid who went to the same middle school as me once said, “It takes a great friend to make someone jealous.” And as a friend, you know them. They’re themselves as long as you’ve got the right friends, so I guess if you’re not envious, you or they are doing something wrong.

I put the notebook back as well as the pen and went into the upstairs bathroom for a shower. I took my time, putting my pajamas back on once I got out and headed downstairs. “Hey sleepy-head.” Mom greeted me. She, Axel and Sora were all sitting at the kitchen table. I gave her a weak smile. “Morning.” I looked over at Sora, who smiled at me, but his eyes were screaming help, and not because of something like mom teasing him. He looked like he was about to cry. I debated pulling him aside, but then that’d leave mom and Axel alone, so… “Jeeze, your still here?” I questioned Axel, being bitter first thing in the morning. “Mom, don’t hold him prisoner. I’ll get clothes on, so don’t torture him, jeeze.” I said, going back upstairs before any objection could be heard. I quick changed, getting mad I couldn’t find the t-shirt I want. “Hey, Sora!” I called, poking my head out the bedroom. “Yeah?” He called back from the kitchen, a hair spike visible. “Where’s my alien shirt?” I heard Axel question my a-word. “The one with the funny quote?” He called back. “Yeah.” I said, eyeing my closet over from afar. “I wore that when not too long ago, so it still might be in the wash.” I cursed under my breath. Fine… I grabbed a black t-shirt with white, 8-bit writing on it that read, “Most people get lost in thought because it’s unfamiliar territory.”

“Okay, vamoose!” I said, waving air towards the door as I came downstairs. “Roxas, you didn’t even eat anything.” Mom said. There was no real tone to it, she was just stating. I was already strapping on my shoes. “Not hungry.” Wrong choice of words with Axel in the house. “Roxas.” He stated simply. I groaned obnoxiously, rolling my eyes in an obvious manner. “Whut?” I questioned. “Do we need to have this entire conversation again?” He asked. I finished tying my shoe. “Well maybe Sleeping Beauty here likes your food after a nights adventure of death in Desert Tower.” I said, somewhat sarcastically. I had to embarrass myself in order to get him out of the house. Still, his food was good… “Well I can just make you something he-“

“No can do!” I said, obnoxiously, cutting him off, waving my hands out of an X. Mom raised an eyebrow at me. “Roxas, what’s gotten into you? You get up and the guest has got to go?” I stood up, placing my hands on my hips. Damn it… The white on my bracelet was fading. I’ve got to go buy a new one… “Um… Yeah, pretty much. I don’t like him, contrary to popular belief.” Mom just stared at me, no readable expression but a huge garb of negative energy coming off of her. Shit, please don’t… “U-Um, Come on Axel. We should go wait in the car. Oh, Roxas, don’t forget your bag- It’s obvious you want to stay over again.” He said, flashing my a giant smile. Mom blinked and stared at me, the negative air gone. I internally sighed. He had just saved me- a thanks for saving him. “Ooh~ I see.” She said, smirking at me. My face flushed red. “Sh-Shut up, mom!” I said, going back upstairs. “SHOES.” She stated. I kicked them off and continued my journey. I quick threw clothes into a bag, then realized I didn’t want to be alone, or leave Sora alone with mom. I grabbed another bag and stuffed it with his stuff too. I grabbed some bandages and band-aids out of the nightstand drawer as well as a wrap able cast with metal clips to keep it in place. Knowing me, I’d need it. I went downstairs to Sora covering up something that was of topic. Mom heard me come downstairs and looked over at me. “Damn, Roxas. You need all that for…? How long are you staying?” I tossed Sora a bag. “Pft. Since when do I go anywhere without my partner in crime.” I said, mostly joking around. She raised an eyebrow. “…Oh?” The tension was back. I knew where her mind was. “So where are all of you sleeping?”

“We’ve got a guest bedroom.” Axel said. Mom continued to stare at me. “…With one bed?” Axel finally caught what she was saying. If we hadn’t of talked to him last night… This would of ended badly. “Yeah, but it’s one of those funky ones where if you pull out what looks like built-in storage things, it’s actually a second bed lower to the ground. Mom relaxed. “Oh. I’ve never seen one of those in person, but I do know what you’re talking about. They’re not going to be a bother, are they? I mean, we didn’t even call you parents to as-“

“It’s fine. I had Roxas over last time, and they didn’t get to meet him then either, so it should be okay.” He looked over at the clock. “They’re still at work. I don’t think you’ll get to meet ‘em. Sorry.” Axel said, scratching the back of his head. Mom got up and shook her head. “It’s alright. Parents have got work, right?” Sora sat down next to me and started putting on his shoes. “He’s a good liar, huh?” He whispered while Axel continued to talk to mom. I nodded. “Yeah… Besides, this’ll be good for us. I felt really relaxed over at his house if anything. You deserve to feel like that once in a while too.” He stopped tying his shoe. “…Roxas… You’ve got it backwards…” I looked at me shoe, not really getting what he was actually talking about. “…Huh?” He smile, obviously not a happy one, and shook his head. “It’s nothing. Come on.” He said, standing up and walking out the front door with the bag I shoved together for him. Wait- what? Honestly, sometimes he even got me with the clueless act; pulling smart shit out of his ass like that… I sighed. “Yo, ferret, lessago!” He looked over his shoulder at me. “O-Oh, yeah.” He followed me to our car. Sora had already called dibs on the front by sitting there. Damn it… That’s means I’d have to sit next to- “Hey! You did that on purpose!” I said, pointing to Axel. Sora cheesed at me. “Yup. Enjo~oy~!” I growled at him, flipping him off where only he could see. He just laughed at me and rolled up the window. Brat…

I huffed as I sat in the back, Axel getting in through the other door. It was awkward for a minute. “…I hate you.” I said, pointing a finger in his face. “Love you, too.” He said, staring at the back of the front seat. I growled. I swear, I’m going to behead him… Mom finally came out of the house and locked the door. “Okay, my pretties,” She said, getting into the car and turning it on, giving way to her awkward taste in music. “Let’s go. Leaving mommy all by herself- I’m heartbroken!” No one said anything as the singer sung off key. “Hey Roxas, you’ve always got music on you right? I’m tired of this CD and I forgot to grab one, so hand it over.” She said, reached behind her heat for my CD she knew I had. I chuckled at her and pulled out the “Okage: Shadow King OST”. I’d been listening to that a lot lately- good video game, VERY underrated. “Can you play track 16?” I asked her. She switched discs and fulfilled my request. “…Reminds me of the desert, or like, some African tribe thing.” She said, after it started playing. I laughed. “It’s supposed to. It’s called the “Addashi Desert”, and ya kinda hear it when you’re in the desert.” I stared at the radio perplexed. “…So this is one of those video-game soundtracks again?” She questioned. I nodded. “Yup.” She shrugged and put the car in drive.

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

By the time we got to Axel’s house, the CD had changed three times. We were currently listening to “iNSaNiTY”, by SF-A2 Miki and KAITO. It sounded so pop-y… I blamed Sora for fucking with my burn list. It was a lie though. I so made that CD at like, three in the morning or something. It sounded pop-y, but it was about being a whack job, so I liked it.

“Hello, myself  
Haven’t we meet before?  
Goodbye, yourself  
So, want to chat?  
iNSaNiTY  
Like floating on air  
PSYCHoPaTHY  
A carefree life  
iNSaNiTY  
An illusion that can’t end  
CaPTiViTY  
Unable to run away.”

Sound familiar? Everyone was bopping in the car as mom turned it up. “I’ve never liked a nut-job song more!” Mom said, laughing. I smiled sheepishly. She hit the steering wheel to the beat at a stoplight. The melody sounded like it crackled and died, the singer sounding like she was underwater along with the rest of the song. Mom looked at the radio confused. “What happened? The track screw up?” She asked, about to take it out. “No. It’s just comparing the mental states and how the singer views them. The tracks fine.”

“…sAnIty  
Can’t see the dark already  
pUrIty  
The days are longer  
sAnIty  
But that also must sink  
sAnIty  
…What was that?  
iNSaNiTY…”

It reverted back to its original bouncy, beat and _variating_ notes. “See?” I said. I was being vague on my description, because the last thing I needed was mom taking it the wrong way and putting me in a mental hospital for a bit. But… I got it. The chick was nuts, and that was the norm for her. Everyone else’s version was dull and boring; bleak and grey. She didn’t have to be nuts to the point where she was in a mental hospital, but like… Like her head was always spinning so fast, that she had grown used to it- I had grown used to it…  
If you mind wasn’t spinning as much as it did because circumstances changed, you start to freak a little. Like, if every day, you get ice-cream, and one day, the shop is closed for good. …Like how everyday I’m paranoid about my mother and Sora… If things were normal- if they could somehow be normal, I’d find a way to make myself worry so _I_ could feel normal. I was used to worrying, and if I didn’t, I’d panic and be imposing on Sora all of the time and invading his personal space… Then I’d be nuts in public eyes and not just my head- Yeah. I know it. If I were to get tested, I’d probably have some serious paranoia issues. There are tons of people like that though. If everyone was to get tested, everyone would be hoped up on drugs all day. That’s why society works the way it does. Only if it shows publicly, that’s when you need help. So, as long as I kept it buried inside and kept blaming it on being his brother, and having a wack job mother, I would never be a

P

S

Y

C

H

O

P

A

T

H

In public eyes.

…What the hell was that?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> End A/N: lol I love torturing Roxas! Well, not like, with his nut job mom, or the water tower, but like, making him make uke faces and putting him in dresses. Lol  
> Ah, the inscestable fluff. I gotta love it. Lol  
> And “-tan” is an honorific used to make things more moe (cute). Blame CLAMP and their creation of Fai for me knowing this.  
> BTW, for those of you who don’t know, a Fujoshi is someone who likes yaoi, shonen ai, BL, that stuff.  
> Roxas’ refrence to Megaman was this: In the Japanese version, “Megaman” is “Rockman” instead. He got called “Rock-boy”, so… Better?  
> “Someone’s coming” – before certain actual South Park episodes, there was a guy called “Indian Companion” or something with Matt and Trey, and all he could say was “Someone’s coming”.  
> Zelda and The Princess Bride: Zelda is always locked away in some funky named tower, and in the movie “The Princess Bride”, there were giant man eating rats. Get the connection?  
> (Jeeze, I make a lot of references in this chapter.)  
> So, what’d you think? Pretty decent place to go [insert kiss here], right? Still, Roxas would never admit to that. Lol  
> Later, there’s going to be a chapter with the title, “iNSaNiTY-PSYCHoPaTHY”, so remember this one for lyrics, okay? (That or go on youtube when the time comes, because this song is beast! XD I even got my dad- a non-anime/Japanese lover- singing it in the car- Totally a proud moment in my life. lol)  
> The actual Japanese lyrics for that sect are:  
> Konnichiwa watashi  
> Awanakatta darou?  
> Sayounara anata  
> Saa hanashi shiyou ka?  
> iNSaNiTY  
> Fusou shisou desu  
> PSYCHoPaTHY  
> Nonki na jinsei  
> iNSaNiTY  
> Owarenai madoi  
> CaPTiViTY  
> Nigerarenai
> 
> sAnIty  
> Mou mienai kuro  
> pUrIty  
> Motto nagai hibi  
> sAnIty  
> Sore mo shizumanakya  
> "sAnIty"  
> ...tte nani desu ka?  
> I know this was long, but I guess that’s it so… Ciao~


	8. Filler - Washing the Grass Go

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Oh my god I’m so stressed out writing this and I have no motivation DAMN YOU HUMP CHAPTERS! Okay, anyways, this is a filler chapter that has nothing to do with the actual storyline- it’s got kid Sora and kid Roxas being cute and getting beat up by grass. Probably like six or something… \ XD Enjoy~! (And yeah, because Roxas is a kid, there are going to be jibberish words and TONS of misspellings. Lol) And Roxas is too cute for his own good! XDD

Filler I: Washing the Grass Go

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

“Hey, Woxsis?” Sora asked me, his mispouncation of my name total adotes cuteness. “Hm?” I asked, not looking up from my scribbles with the green crayon, drawing the grass so perfect, any profeshional artitis would be jellyous. “What does, “washing the grass go” mean?” Sora asked me. I stopped drawing and looked up at him. “Hm? Where did you hear it?” I asked him, stalling and hoping maybe where he heard it would help me tell him. “Mom. She said “washing the grass go for ateen years was better than keeping us.” Why do I feel like that wasn’t nice?  
“Um, well…” I didn’ know what it meant, but I was the big broter, so I had to know- well, I really wasn’t, Sora was, but he said I could have the posiston. “Um… it uh… It means, when you, uh, wash the grass… And um, watch it go!” I think I was being “re-dumb-ant”? Sora scratched his head with a orange crayon. “Go where though?” He asked me. “That’s the point of watching it! It goes to a difent place every time!” Sora’s eyes got big. “Uwaoh! Like da moon?!” He asked, escited. I nodded. “Yup. But you gotta be smart, see, becuz if it knows you’re watching, it won’t go anywhere!” Sora started at me, loving my every word like I did raspberries.  
“So, um, why do we have to wash it?” I couldn’t think of why. “Um… Cuz, uh… It’s sleeping. Like you know how mom threw water on me that one day to get me up? Then put soap in our mouth’s when I hurt my toe on the nightstand and yelled “fuck”? Well, it wakes the grass up, too.” Yeah, dat made sents.

“So, can we wash the grass? I’m bored and my orange looks weird…” Sora said, holding up his drawing and showing me his paper- which was nothing but orange. “Um… Sora, oranges are round- your whole paper is orange.” He nodded and turned it to hisself. “I know. It’s a really close picture of an orange. I thought about it when I membered mom shoving one in my face when I didn’t want to eat it- it looked like this.” Made sents. “Okay, so um, if we’re going to wash the grass, we needs all of the soap in the house cuz there’s lotsa grass outside.”

“Um, how about we just do one spot, cuz if we do all the grass, it’ll all go away, and it’ll just be dirt, and mom’ll be mad- plus mom will be mad if we use all the soap.” It made no sents. She wanted us to use soap, but got made when we used a lot of it. Like I said, it made no sents. “Okay.” I got up, leaving our crayons and my picture on the floor. “Um, what soap should we use?” Sora asked, getting up and following me. “Huh… Maybe we should mix it.”

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

  
Okays. We had hand bar soap crushed up in a dish soap bottle with dish soap and hand soap and shampoop and liquit body soap and more crushed bar soap, but this one was for your body. “Did we get it all?” Sora asked me, staring at the different types of soaps we got all in one bottle. “I tink so…” I said, tipping my head. Mom wasn’t home, so we were by ourselves. It was like that a lot, and when she got home, we got in trouble a lot. She would yell at us because we drew on the wall, when we only did it because she said she wanted a different color on them. She would get mad when we’d leave our stuff out, but would get mad when we’d call her on the phone all of the times becauz we told her we could in get to it. No matter what we did, she’d be mad. Even one day when we didn’t do anything, we just stayed in bed all the day, she got mad at us and called us “lazy ass-wipes”. 

“Hey, Woxas?” Sora asked me as we put our sneakers on. He could tie his better than me, so mommy got me velcroat instrad. He put his tongue out, consentarten real hard on doin’ it right. “Hn?”  
“Do you think that if we ask nicely, that the grass might take us with it?” My chest felt funny. I looked at a purple bruise on my leg where mommy had threw a nightstand at me. “…I hope so…” I said. I felt like crying. I really… Wanted the grass to take us away. If I had to, I’d give it all the soap in the house if that’s what made it wake up- but… Maybe it didn’t like soap, cuz I thought soap did in taste good, so… Maybe it wouldn’t take us… “Maybe we should put some sugar in the soap to make it taste better…” Sora looked up at me with wide eyes. “Yeah!”

We ran into the kitchen with our muddy shoes and pushed a chair over to the counter. I stood on it and Sora handed me the soap, which I opened, making a bit of a mess. It was okay though, becuz we’d be gone before mommy could yell at us about it. I pulled the sugar cuntairner closer to me and opened it, making a big mess. I pushed my eyebrows together and pouted. I carefully poured all of the sugar into the soap, hoping the grass would like it better. I put the top back on and handed it to Sora. He held it while I carefully climbed down. We pushed the chair back and hurried outside.

“What spot should we go to?” Sora asked me. “Close by the gate so we can leave faster.” I said, pointing to it. Sora nodded. “Okay!” Sora ran with me, but he fell, spilling the sugar soap all over the wrong part of the grass. “Ah! Sora! Are you okay?!” I asked, running back to him. He sat up and started crying. “W-Woxas! I spilleded it on the wrong spot! And it’s all over my shirt!” He said, crying really, really hard. “Ah! I-It’s okay… It’s okay, Sora. We haded lotsa soap, so it’s okay! Look, we can clean you up when we’re in the new world we’re going to, okay? If we go now, the grass’ll leave and we’ll be stuck here!” Sora kept crying, but nodded. I stood up and put my hand by him. “Come on. Let’s go hide in the grape leaves.” Sora nodded, wiping his eyes with his arm. We liked the grape vine we had outside. It gave us something to eat when we weren’t allowed inside just yet and it made us want to stay outside longer.

We went over and hid in the grape vines, getting really bored staring at the grass really soon. Sora was already sitting. “Hey, Sora?” He was playing with his sneakers. “Huh?” The grass wasn’t doing anything… “What do you think the new world is going to be like?” Sora hummed to himself. “…I want it to be by the beach- no an island! I want there to be lotsa places to explore- and even a place where parents aren’t allowed!” I stared at him. “…Where… Parents aren’t allowed?” Sora stood up and nodded. “Yeah, woulddeden’t that be great? Then mom couldn’t go there if she follows us and yell at us if we make a mess!” My eyes grew real wide. “…Yeah…”  
“Oh! But, I’d want Riku and Kairi to come to, so, when we go, promise we can come back and get them if the other world is okay?” I nodded. “Of course!” Sora cheesed at me. It was quit for a bit while Sora and I thought about the place he just described. “…Hey, Woxas? How do you want it to be?” I really wanted the grass to move… Really soon. “Well… I want there to be a place where I can make lots of friends. A place where we can have our own place- just me and my close friends- oh, and you if you want too.” I said, looking down at him and smiling. “And… I want it to have really pretty colors all over- my favorites! Like the sunset! And I want there to be a bell… a really pretty sounding bell… I want there to be tons of shops where you can buy lotsa neat stuff, and I want there to be a really good snack that’s so good, no one gets sick of it and I’ll eat it every day!” Like ice cream…  
“I want there to be a really high up place, way far away from the ground where I can look down on everybody and feel like somebody! I want to share that place with my friends, and I want it to be huge so I always have places to look around and go to and if I don’t want to be in one spot, I don’t have to! I want to get lost a lot, but with all my friends! I want friends! I want to get outta here!” My throat was starting to hurt I was getting so loud… Sora looked up at me. “Woxas… Why are you crying?” I couldn’t breathe. “I… I don’ know!” I said, wiping my tears away. Why was I crying? I shouldn’t be that lonely, I’ve got Sora… So how come?

How come? What was wrong? I slid down, crying while Sora rubbed my back. “I don’ wanna be here anymore, Sora! Mommy’s mean and I want friends! I want friends that are nice like you! Friends that will eat snacks with me and I can go over to their house, and who can come over without mommy yelling at and scaring! Monta won’t even talk to me anymore becuz he said mommy was so scary!” Sora stopped. “…He isn’t?” I shook my head. “No! I wanna go! I want the grass to hurry up and take us away! I want to leave with you Sora! I don’t like it here anymore!” I felt Sora start to shake just like me.

“M-Me too!” We both cried until we feel asleeps.  
  


・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

When we woke up, it was dark and mommy was yelling for us inside the house. I gasped and shook Sora’s shoulder. “Sora! Sora!” Sora hummed and looked around. It was really cold, and Sora’s shirt was still wet from the soap. “Ah! We missed it!” We both ran out and looked at the spot where we dumped the soap. The grass was… Still there… “…Woxas it didn’ go anywhere…” Sora said. He sounded really, really sad… I wanted to cry again. I held his hand. “We should go inside… Mommy sounds mad…” I turned to the house, hatting the grass so much. Still… I made it up, so it was my own faults for forgetting that. So… I had made Sora sad…  
“Sora… I’m sorry…” I said to him, knowing I should apologyaize. Sora looked at me with really big eyes that were about to cry again. I did in look at him. I took his hand and walked up the steps with him.

If worlds like that were really real, I’d take Sora to his. Even if we could only go to one, I’d take him to his island. I was a terdible brother for making him cry. One day, I’m going to make it up to him. One day, I was going to make sure he never had to cry again. I’d take him to is island and bring Riku and Kairi and we could live on the part where adults weren’t allowed, and he’d have tons of friends, and maybe I’d even make some too- but only after Sora was happy. Only after I made sure I was being a good big broter. Only after I got him to stop crying and getting hurt and got him away from mommy.

Only then, I promise Sora only then, will I try to make myself happy too.


	9. Forgetful Anxiety

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: So, f’ing finally right? Okay, so the thing I had written the next THREE chapters on had deleted all of my shit, notes nor later chapters and other stuff- which I had rewritten TWICE! OMG I cried a bit. It sucks! I tossed it. Damn thing had done it to me before too! So, I finally got a laptop, so it’s not getting deleted anymore~! Yayies~! And I honestly feel the same way as Roxas about fairy tales. This is probably why I want to marry the Brothers Grimm.  
> Anyways, onto the story!

Chapter VIII: Forgetful Anxiety

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

Something about me has always hated fairy tales- Always. It was always so cut and clean. Hero, princess. Princess in danger, hero saves her and destroys what is evil. Hero gets the girl. They all lived happily ever after; the biggest heard of bullshit I have ever heard. Nothing is that simple. The villains always have a specific motivation, the princess could be a brat, the hero couldn’t be who or as he says he is or could be manipulative, using the princess or the double crossing the villain, the side characters have more importance than one fucking paragraph. I hate fairy tales, and the biggest reason why is the fucking stupid bullshit lie of a happy end.

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

Mom gave us a wave from the car, beeping the horn, the tinting of the window making me view her as one of those people from the movies- one of those stalker psychopaths that you were forced to live with- which was true. I waved back, it appearing meak, almost like I didn’t want her to go, when I just really wanted to tell her to get the fuck out of here already and go die in some car accident. Sora giving her an obnoxious “BYE MOM!” while waving like a chimpanzee. It amazed me how easily he could feign a smile for her. Axel chuckled and stood- excuse me, _towered_ above us until mom left, then wrapped his arms around our necks, one for each. “So, shall we give him the tour?” He asked me. I peeled him away from me as if he was a disgusting parasite, which he was, then replied. “He’ll be fine. Not like he’ll get los-“ I stopped and looked at Sora, who looked at me with wide eyes, confused, but still in a good mood. “Yeah, maybe we should give him a tour of your house.” Axel laughed at me and mused my hair, which only made it stick up in other places. Now, I know this is hard to believe, but we actually work hard on our naturally gravity defying messes upon our head.  
Sora does this thing where his bangs are three more or less distinct pieces, The hair in the back of his head one deadly spike, the top is whatever else didn’t want to work with his bangs or the back that day. Personally, I get a brush, apply hair glue and make it go to my right. Voila! Roxas-a-la-mode~! Er, somethin’ like that.

Axel hauled us inside of his house, wrapping his arm around my neck and putting his hand on my shoulder. Sora eventually strayed away, getting too excited to sit still in the mini-mansion. He ran around like a puppy, barking at every new and interesting thing he found. “Roxas! They’ve got two bathrooms! Who does that?!” I shrugged, Axel’s arm which loosely hung from me bobbed as well. “Them, apparently.” I said, not necessarily addressing Axel and his family. I watched Sora run around upstairs from the downstairs. “Hungry, yet?” Axel asked me. Starved, actually, but I wasn’t going to tell him that. “Eh.” I replied. He pulled me into the kitchen with his one hand, easily since I didn’t put up much of a resistance. He left me to my own devices as he turned on the small radio on the counter and played whatever OST was currently in there. It sounded really mellow… “What do you want? It’s lunch time, so… How do sandwiches sound?”

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

Now, when most people think of sandwiches, they think of cheap, possibly overpriced deli meat being slapped in between bread, then being asked “mustard or mayonnaise?” However, this was Axel I was dealing with, therefore…  
Sora eventually had trailed into the kitchen, the lull of food and the amazing smells it produced proved my theory of him being part dog- wait, we’re twins, so this also disproved my theory- then again, I have bitten people before, and do a shit load of barking in my own way… Either way, we’re animals. The bread was toasted and slightly grilled, the cheese sliced before me from the entire block, being really fucking expensive and smelling like a million- sorry, cheese addict- well not really cheese is just amazing like that... Maybe I’m part mouse… That would explain a lot… But, anyway, the meat was sliced right out of an entire steak, then cooked with who the hell knows what asides from seasonings, but I think I saw him use wine- but it could have been oil. I’m dumb in the kitchen, so… Then all put together with a spruce of basil to make it look cute. It looked like a damn Panini you’d get at one of those $1,000,000 restaurants- and that’s just the entry fee. Axel put the plate in front of me and Sora. “Bon apetit.” He said, smiling at me, his chin in his hand as he sat on a stool. Honestly, I think guys in aprons look funny, Axel included, however, he is the only man in an apron that can make me blush. I scoffed at him, practically drooling like a pig without any obvious notes to my attempt at subtlety as I picked up the sandwich.

...I think I just came. No, no, not like, sexual creepers- but that was still a possibility with how this tasted… But I meant like came to heaven. I died. I was in complete bliss. This food… I’ve read manga where people go on speals about how they make food to make people happy, and if this is how it tastes, I’d never be sad again- well, I’d try anyway. Sora made an “U-ao!” noise, pronouncing all of the vowels, and scarfed it down. “Oh mah gof! Afefl, if amafing!” He said, mouth full. I bit into it, taking a small bite like the ungrateful brat I was and munching as if it had no flavor. Axel smiled at him and nodded. “Roxas?” He asked, obviously to him and I that he wanted my opinion more. “I’m not allowed to tell you until I’m done.” I said, eying the sandwich over as if I was trying to find the germs on it with my critical eyes. He nodded. “I understand. You may say it’s good, then find something mid-way. Trust me, it’s happened, so I get it.” He said, smiling at me. I gave him a disgusted look. I really wanted to say something mean, but nothing was coming to me aside from the usual “Go fuck yourself” remark, which I knew he would have an equally dirty counter for, so I remained silent. I finished eating around the same time as Sora, his large mouthfuls making him slow.

“Well?” He asked as we both slid our plates to him. “More.” We both ordered in unison. Axel chuckled at us. “Okay. Don’t blame me when you can’t walk later, rolly-polly dolls.” I scoffed at him. “You kidding? We’re fucking Japanese and half something European- we can eat!”  
“Hungarian.” Sora reminded me. “Yeah, so we’re fine! Hungry, Hungarian? It’s all good! They have huge lunches over there and small dinners. Plus, Japanese are naturally tiny! So shut up and feed the gremlins, damn it!” I ordered. Sora could only look at me meekly, wishing I had of requested it nicely, even though he agreed.  
Fuck that. Here, I felt spoiled, if not a little self-entitled to his food as well as anything else that as offered to me in his house. I guess it was more or less a front put up when someone else was around… Actually, when I was alone with him, it wasn’t that bad. He made food for me, which he insisted on constantly doing so now, so I should get as much as I want if it was going to be forced upon me anyway. Axel chuckled. “What?” I questioned him. He shook his head and turned back to us. “Nothing. I was just kind of hoping maybe more for Italian or Ukrainian when you said half European.” I raised an eyebrow. “Why?”  
“I just heard they’re more kinky is all.” My eyebrow twitched as well as my fingers, trying not to curl into a fist and punch him.

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

“Fuck, Fuck! Up, up! Damn it!” I cursed. Sora groaned and tipped his head back. “Damn it! I hate this game!” I cursed, tossing the red controller on the couch. Axel chuckled. “Hey, you suggested we play it.” He said from the living room floor, setting his grey one down in between his crisscrossed legs.  
I turned off the Nintendo64, then proceeded to remove Gauntlet. “Yeah- before I remembered how damn hard it was and how much I hatted it.” I never could get past the first set of levels. Axel smiled at me. “Well, you have to admit, you guys are having fun.” I shrugged while Sora nodded, still holding his blue 64 controller while munching on candy from jar in the kitchen that we were told to help ourselves to, him being quick on that uptake. I inspecting a 007 game, the actual thing being blue. “Hey, Sora.” I said, flashing him the game. He chuckled. “Oh my gawd, do it!” He laughed while I put it in. We had always tag teamed other players and kicked their ass, watching their screen and each other’s for signals. In a sense, it was cheating yeah, but winning was more fun than losing. Mom had gotten mad that we were playing violent games as kids, so she took the game away, and threatened to break our system if not our fingers- lovely solution to violence right?

We started the game, picking our usual characters. “Sora, you do know you can pick a guy right?” I told him. He nodded. “I know. It just feels nostalgic.” As a kid, I told Sora you could only have one boy and one girl player when there were only two players, and when there were more, it was every-other that could be a boy, even’s being girls because I always stole player 1 or refused to play with him. I laughed at him a bit, but let him pick his character none the same and label her “Sora”. I picked mine next, Axel last. We picked the mountains covered in snow for our arena of cheap 3d bloodshed. “Get ready to get creamed.” I forewarned Axel. He just chuckled at me and leaned forwards.

Inside the house, into the tunnels, left turn, wait outside the opening, Sora went up top on the secret spot on the mountain, slight glitch. Axel got shot, Sora chuckled, I smirked. He respawned in the forest. I backtracked a bit, Sora moving left a bit. I killed him, computer shot Sora, double kill, I shot computer, had ammo for my gun. A big, eager smirk edged its way onto my face. God I love this game.

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・  
  
I stretched, basking in my glory of deciding to kill Sora last minute eight times as well as Axel and the computer, getting the most kills. I un-kinked my neck, it popped obnoxiously. It was already time for dinner, my stomach clock reminding me of that, but I hit the snooze button. “Dang it, Roxas!” Sora hissed at me. I smirked back. “What? “All’s fair in love and war”- or so the crazy people say.” Axel got up and wandered into the kitchen. “What makes ‘em crazy?” He asked, rummaging around in something. “You kill people, shoot ‘em, watch ‘em bleed, then say “Hunny! I’m finally fucking home~!”. You become an allowed stalker and creeper, wanting to know everything about one person, remembering anything you can about them and call it “love”. What’s not crazy about it?” Axel came back with more junk piled in his arms. He plopped down on the couch and hummed, tossing me a giant snickers bar. “Well… My question is this: Is that really how you view love Roxas?” Sora looked over as well, gaining interest.

I just looked at him, my mind so pressured to find an answer it shut down, drawing a blank like a line on a heart monitor. “…I… Never really thought about it.” I said, tipping my head, hoping that would make it work a bit better. Maybe it’s like how on a boat if everything’s on one side, shit tips over and falls off. Maybe my brain cells had temporarily fallen off or something… It makes sense. “So what about Sora? You wuv him to pieces right?” I shrugged. “I’m overprotective yeah, but if I love him to pieces, he’d be dead or an easy thing to scatter, so I prefer to keep him on one piece.” I said, opening my wrapper and adding it to Sora’s pile-o’-wrapper, as if to prove my point.

“Hey!” I looked over my shoulder at him and gave him a grin. “Don’t go all girly on me now. You know I love you, bro.” He gave me a sheepish smile. “Yeah, I know…” Axel groaned and stood up. “I feel fat. Walk around the outside of the house with me.” He said, pulling me along, knowing Sora would follow. “Hey! I never said yes!” He looked down at me. “So, you’re just going to play Nintendo all day?”  
“YES!” He opened the door and pushed me outside. “You said it, now come on.” I huffed at his ass-full-ness. I said yes to the Nintendo obsession, not going outside, but apparently a yes was a yes to him, no matter what it was for. Sora slipped his shoes on and trailed after the two barefoot lesbians in boy bodies. I didn’t want to go! There were mosquitos out there and I hate being bit and- oh, god! I am such a girl!  
The grass felt wet from being cold, but it wasn’t freezing. My body heat easily adjusted to it as well as the guest of wind every now and then that decided to blow.  
Axel probed me on more retarded questions, that I absentmindedly replied to, then the thought occurred to me, that last time I did this, I had his clothes on, and mine were still here. “Hey, you still have my clothes?” I asked, discarding our previous, pointless conversation. Sora had wandered a bit ahead, texting Riku or something, not paying attention to how fast he was walking, putting him ahead of us.

Apparently, I had interrupted him. “For the- huh? Oh, yeah. You uh, didn’t want those back did you?” I raised an eyebrow, crossing my arms. “Why?” He laughed. “I’m kidding! I didn’t do anything to them. They’re in a bag. You gonna give me mine back or do you have to wash ‘em first.” I thought for a moment. “Actually, I think they’re still in the wash.” He laughed out loud. “Huh?” He shook his head. “Nothing, you didn’t get it.” I narrowed my eyes. “Well, enlighten me.” He snickered. “You sure you were just wearing them? Or did you maybe you were think about me while jac-“  
“Ew, no! That’s fucking gross!” I almost screamed at him. This pinprick feeling in the back of my mind told me to shut up because of the neighbors and it was getting late. Sora looked over his shoulder at me, worried because of my tone. I shook my head, telling him it was nothing. Axel looked confused. “Gross as in you don’t do that at all, or gross like with my things?”  
“Both!” Yes. I found it disgusting. Who sits there while thinking about someone else shoving their AIDS infested crotch in or near yours or any other part of them on you and get off on it? Plus, the ass holes end up cheating on you anyway, and all this other nasty shit you can get from people on top of the fact that genitals already look fucking weird… Maybe that’s just mom’s brainwashing, but the whole “fucking” concept never clicked with me. I’ve also never really liked people, so my resentment could have possibly gave me a permanent off switch about the topic. It was awkwardly quiet as we walked a bit. I could hear the beeping from Sora’s phone as he clicked the right keys for a message to Riku or Kairi, the possibility of it being anyone was else was next to null.  
My neck wandered up after my eyes got bored with the grass, not really finding anything interesting within my range of sight. The sky was a beautiful shade of orange and yellow and tinted with the ever faintest hint of pink, all of it soon fading to the ever confident black. The moon was gasping for the sun’s rays, just starting to show, while the sun decided to go hide, just starting to fade. If you looked in darker parts of the sky, you could faintly see stars, giving off their own luminescence, almost teasingly. I just stared upwards, my walk almost a crawl with just my feel. I eventually stopped walking, and just stared. I didn’t hear anymore movement, meaning he had stopped too.

“Hey, Roxas?” Axel asked, breaking the silence. He was being really annoying. It wasn’t his tone or anything, it was just him in general with the “me” factor didn’t add up well. “…What?” He looked up at the sky, maybe hoping to see exactly what I did, and remained quiet for a second more, as if thinking about what to say, like he just wanted to say my name and have a bullshit question afterwards as a reason why. “It’s pretty huh?” I knew it. “Yeah. I’m usually not outside this late.” I said, just staring at the beautiful array of orange and yellow. I tended to hide in my room whenever possible. I glanced over to him, since he was being quiet, but in a way that said he still wanted to say something to me, like that wasn’t his real question last time. His face heated for such a short instant, I thought I was seeing things. “So, uh, what type of movies do you guys like?” That was random. I turned to look at him.

“Movies?”

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

We went into the basement, where Axel showed us the lovely home theater set up in what looked like a closet, which was actually the center of the giant circle- which was huge as fuck. (Thinking about that sentence, it really doesn’t make sense, even though people use it all of the time… How can something be as big as a sex act? The hell…) It had a giant HD plasma TV on the wall with surround sound which was 3D compatible- the whole fucking nine yards and an extra twenty just because they could. There were beanbag chairs and lounge seats angled towards the TV lazily, naturally. I had to remind my jaw that it had muscles and to work them; Stop being lazy and get it’s ass off of the floor. Sora on the other hand, had to first find the switch to turn his brain back on. “The movies are ordered by genre, alphabetical, then themselves alphabetical.” Axel said, pointing to the right wall, adorned in shelves the housed possibly hundreds of movies. “So, say you wanted…”  
“Slasher Guy from Hell with his Rainbow Unicorn Companion.” I said, as a contradicting example. If that movie ever existed, I’d so get front row seats to it, stupid or not. “Horror, and Fantasy; H,F, S.” He said, as an example. “Now give me a real movie so I can show you what I mean.” I looked and Sora and he shrugged. “We’ll just skim ‘em.” He said, starting his search for a movie. “That… Or you could also use the mini-laptop that’s opened to a note page with all of the titles, which you can just control + f search.” I just looked at him. “Dude, you could have said that from the beginning.” He chuckled. “Yeah, but you two would of asked how they were sorted, if at all.” Sora shrugged, fingers trailing over the movies to keep his place. “I wouldn’t of.” I might of… That or just assumed they weren’t.

I looked through the digital movie list while Sora skimmed the actual thing. I got bored and decided to let him pick. I bet you eighty bucks it was going to be a rom com. I walked over to Axel and plopped in a beanbag chair next to him. He waved at me. “Hey.” I rolled my eyes. “Sup?” I replied. He chuckled. “Want some popcorn or something?” I mused over this. In spite of all of the junk food I had downed while playing the Nintendo for a couple hours, I still wanted more, which was odd considering I normally didn’t eat so I was at a wonder as to where it was all going really, so I nodded. “Sure.” He stood up, brushing his ass off like there was even a spec of dirt in this damn pristine room. “Well, I’ve got caramel, regular, white cheddar, cheddar, or I can make hot sauce covered regular or lime infested regular; take your pick.” Well damn! They all sounded good in all honesty. “Un… Hot sauce infested white cheddar with lime?” He smirked. “Oh Roxy, you are such a teenager.” I stuck my tongue out at him. “Just get me my damned popcorn.” He laughed at me and mused my hair. I swatted at him, my hand connecting with a loud smack noise. He pouted and inspected his arm. “Hey!” I glared at him. “Cut that shit out, seriously.” I said, glaring at him. Some part of me felt bad for hitting him, but I just brushed it off, kicking the dumb part of me that was slowly growing fond of him out of my person.

He headed out in the kitchen that was in the other part of the basement. “Hey Roxas look!” Sora said, pulling out a movie, taking several other’s with him. He stopped and looked down at them. “…Opps?” He asked. “God damn it, Sora…” I mumbled, getting up. I helped him pick them up, confused as to how to put them back. “…Axel!” I called for him. He came back in with hot sauce in his hand. “Yea- oh. Sora you know how to make popcorn without killing anyone right? Here. Add hot sauce into the small pot and some cheddar powder on top and watch it, okay? The seeds are already in there.” Sora looked up from the floor. “Like as in a popcorn machine?” He asked eagerly. Axel nodded, Sora ditched us.  
Axel laughed at him and moved out of his way, getting the bottle snatched from him. “Well he seems to be having fun.” I nodded, looking at some of the movies that had fallen out. “Yeah, it’s a nice change. He’s actually a really happy kid when he’s not…” I trailed off. Axel was already next to me, helping me pick them up. “…So is this one of those things that I’m not allowed to ask about?” I nodded, not looking at him. It was quite for a moment while we put the movies away. He came up behind me and hugged me. “Ah! What the-“  
“You know, as much as you bitch, it’s never about anything serious.” He said directly into my ear. I squeezed my eyes shut. “A-Axel cut it out…” I said, trying to pry him off of me. “If you ever want to seriously talk to me about something I’ll listen. I love over hearing you talk Roxas.” I fidgeted. “Yeah way to sound creepy.” I criticized. “Oh? You get off on that? Cute. What else turns you on?” He bit my ear, his hands trailing down my side and stopping on my hips.  
I freaked. Out of reflex, I elbowed him in the stomach as hard as I could, whipping around and shoving him, running out of the room. I didn’t scream. I wasn’t the type to scream. I was always worried about everything around me. If I screamed, someone would hear, and I’d be bothering them with my issues… “Roxas wha-“ I ran past Sora upstairs. He fucked around too much. He needs to know when to stop because people have limits. “Roxas!” Axel called after me weakly, holding his stomach. I heard Sora question what he did. I could only hear a mumbled replay as I was on the main floor, taking a hasty exit to the second floor, then both trailing after me. I felt like a rabbit… Fight or flight, fight or flight… You fight your mother, you run from Axel’s advances… Fight or flight, flight or fight…  
“Roxas!” Axel called after me again. I hurried up and whipped around, slamming the door on both of them, locking it. I stared at it, half expecting it to open. I backed away from it while it didn’t move, yet alone have the handle jiggle at all. I tripped backwards on the bed and just sat on it. I stared at the door some more, reminding myself to breathe. I heard Sora and Axel’s muttered talking, then a pair of feet went downstairs. He knocked on the door.

“Roxas? Please open up. I’m sorry… I didn’t mean to freak you out like that. It was wrong of me to do that anyway. Please?” I didn’t reply to him, just staring through the dark at the door. “…Roxas?” I opened the door just a crack, looking up at him. He sighed. “Roxas…” I opened the door a bit more, staring up at him. He stared back. “…I’m sorry… No matter my pathetic excuse, I freaked you out and I was being totally selfish about that…” Selfish? “Selfish?” He nodded, edging himself into the room. “…Can I tell you something?” He asked, not looking at me, going to sit on the bed. I watched him cautiously, but nodded. He patted the spot next to him, I shut the door and sat.

“I’m just… A big brat and you’re going to have to forgive me and all of my complex’s for that… I just… I don’t know…” I stared at him the best I could through the black curtain. I listened for Sora, who was apparently watching TV in the living room.   
“...You know how I told you that I hate the piano? Well… My dad, see… He’s a real dick. The piano that you saw downstairs, if I could, I’d fucking smash it to pieces…” I just looked and listened, nothing more. I understand where he was coming from about the thing, even if it was for different reasons. “The way he reacts to that thing- it’s as if- no it _is_ like he’s married to it. He neglected my mother and I over it, could give half a shit, and still does neglect us- well mostly me anyway…” He sounded sad, a bit broken…  
“The only time he would ever pay me any mind was when he decided to smack the shit out of the back of my hands for getting a note wrong. He’d ask me before he’d make me start playing “Got it memorized?” and I’d have to reply “yes” or he’d hit them before I even started about ten times. That’s why I’m so good at it. I still can feel the fire on the back of my hands like when he’d hit them whenever I play… But I can live with that. That’s not what bugs me…” He was just sitting there, hands folded in his lap, just staring at them.   
“The only time anyone ever looked at me, my parents included, was when I was sitting at a piano… When some parents neglect you like that, they least they can do is give you toys. I wasn’t given anything. I wasn’t allowed to _touch_ anything aside from the piano during my lessons or my silverware at dinner- I’m not even kidding. If my sheets were even so much as mused in the morning, a single crinkle yet alone off the bed, I was in for it all day. So you see,”  
  
He turned to me, grabbing my wrists and pining me to the bed. “I’m a real selfish dick.” He said smirking. I just stared up at him, knowing not to move, not knowing what to say. The way he was saying it was as if he was just telling me a sad, slightly morbid story, and that worried me… This was his life he was telling me about, and he did it so calmly…  
“And the worst part is, he loved that damn thing so much that my mother left him with me so many times, yet she kept coming back so many times in hopes of making us the perfect happy little family she had always dreamt of. Even as a kid, I could see it just wasn’t working. It eventually got to the point where she just left one day without me…” He looked like a hurt child, eyes studying the scene that lay before him, yet it wasn’t me or this room. “I felt like she didn’t love me anymore or maybe it had dawned on me that she might have never really did and was just going through the motions with me. When she came back I yelled at her about it. I don’t even remember exactly what I said to her, but I remember I never let her get a word in. She was probably just as stifled as I was, and I took my own misery out on her. When I woke up the next morning she was dead- she killed herself, and it was all my fault, and that was as clear as day.”

“Axel that’s not true! You just said yourself that your dad-“ He grip on my wrists got tighter. “Yes, he was a royal ass, however I was the straw that broke the camel’s back. Can you imagine? Having your own kid cuss you out and say they despised you? No matter your actions, you always try to do what is best for them. That’s your job as a parent.” Well if that was the case, mine and Sora’s must have quit before she even started… “For all I know, she could have been looking for apartments on her own for us! I didn’t know that and I still don’t!” Before his voice had been calm, but with an edge to it, one sharper than any knife or weapon you could imagine, and it honestly scared me as much as the thought of Sora getting hurt. Now it was getting louder and deeper, like a monster opening it’s jaws to eat the child that was dumb enough to wander off on its own. I needed to calm him down… “So you see, I’m a selfish ass! I want what I want and I also want no one to question me about it! I-“

I kissed him, he shut up. “…Can you cut the drama? Your kind of scaring me.” I said calmly, like I had just told him his joke was as stale as it was bad. He just looked at me then sighed, laughing a little. He relaxed his grip, burying his face in my shoulder. “I’m sorry, Roxas… I really am… I just… Ah man…” I patted his shoulder awkwardly. I wasn’t good with the whole, “consoling” concept in spite of being in my position. You think I’d be better at it, but I wasn’t. I was just good at preventing incidents so I wouldn’t have to do that part. He laughed at my attempt and kissed my forehead. “I’m sorry, but can I be even more selfish and tell you something else?” I nodded while he stared at me. “I love you- and don’t start and of that damn speal about how teenager’s don’t know what love really is or how your also a guy and blah, blah, blah- I know what it is because of how I feel for you, Roxas and I know you’re definitely a boy.” He said, laughing at the end. I didn’t reply, face bright red. “I mean, love isn’t just dying for someone. It’s doing all that crazy shit for them that would get you killed and making it through so you can see them again. I know what it is, and no hag or male hag can tell me otherwise.” I laughed at him. “Male hag?” He shrugged, getting off of me. “Hey they exist.” I laughed again.

“So like, you’ll be a good little secret keeper and not tell anyone what I just told you right?” I stared at him, and I finally realized why I hated him so much. It was because he got so into pretending to be happy, lying to himself so well, that he had actually come to believe it- I couldn’t do that. I was jealous. I nodded. “I won’t. You just told Pandora’s box, no one will ever know.” He laughed. “Yeah until you find a Pandora who’ll open you up.” I rolled my eyes, a smile wiggling its way onto my face. He smiled at me, kissing my forehead again, his hand holding my head in place. I almost closed my eyes, but I fought it, finding a middle where they remained half open, half closed. He pulled away after a moment, hand still on my head, thumb messing up the back of my already messed up hair. He sighed and let go, standing up. “Alright, let’s go watch that damned movie.” He said, stretching. I got up too and attempted to fix my hair that made it look like I had either a really heavy make-out session or just got laid. He walked to the door and opened it. “Hey, Roxas?” I stopped playing with a piece of my bangs and looked over at him. “Hm?”

“Did you remember what I just told you?” I sighed. “I’ve gotta know it by heart after the first time? Damn Axel.” He chuckled at me. “No, what I told you after that.” My face flared. “I-I gotta say it?” He nodded. “…T-That you…” I mumbled the rest. “What? Didn’t quite catch that.” I sighed and took in a deep breathe. “That you love me.” I said, face hotter than a ghost pepper on fire. He smiled at me. “Good job- memorize it.” I cursed at him under my breath while he left the room, following suit.

Sora was hurrying up a call with someone, whispering his last, hurried goodbye. “…Y-Yeah I love you too, Riku.” Then hung up the phone. Aw. It was so cute I didn’t even want to call him out on it and tease him about it. His face was a hot mess while he buried his phone in his pocket, the TV probably being a volume cover up for his cell phone conversation. I walked into the room like I didn’t hear anything. “Okay, let’s go get lame and watch a movie in the basement.” Sora jumped at hearing me. “S-So you’re okay?” He asked me, shooting up. I nodded. “Totally fine. Come on already.” I said, pulling him by his wrist back downstairs. He looked at me, eyes wide, possibly still questioning if I was actually alright or not or putting on another one of my usual fronts. “…Roxas-“

“We just needed to have a talk is all. We’re okay- _I’m_ okay.” He looked at me, studied me, then let it go.

Sora picked an action flick. It was good, but in spite of it being his choice, he still managed to pass out in one of the chairs. I threw one piece of popcorn out of many at Axel and kicked him with my foot. “Ow- what? I’m awake!” I shushed him, sitting up. “Yeah, I know you are, I just felt like being a jerk.” I said quietly. He rolled his eyes and sat up. We had used the excessive amount of beanbag chairs to form a makeshift couch, which we shared, Sora keeping one for him and one for his feet. I stretched and sighed, looking over at my dopy brother. It was nice to see him sleeping so peacefully- I know watching people in their sleep sounds totally weird I get it… Still… It was like watching a cloud. It was just something that relaxed certain people. As hyperactive as he was, he calmed me down a lot- Ironic really.

I got up and picked him up, putting him on my back, him weighing about as much as me. Axel looked over at me and raised an eyebrow. “You got him?” I nodded, not wanting to verbally reply so I wouldn’t wake Sora. It was basically me just carrying twice my weight, it was no big deal. I carefully carried him upstairs while he drooled on my shoulder, Axel taking care of the mess we made downstairs. I mentally cursed at the other flight of stairs to the guest bedroom. I finally made it up there and put him down in it, which he promptly sprawled out in. “Well I guess you’re not sleeping in there.” I whipped around, jumping like a scared rabbit again. “Fuck, don’t do that!” I hissed. “You’re gonna give me a heart attack!” Axel snickered at me and raised his hands in defeat. “Sorry.”

I sighed and looked back over at Sora. It was okay… As long as he was happy and comfortable, I was happy and comfortable. I walked out of the room and shut the door quietly, then turned to the ferret hovering over me. I walked downstairs and grabbed my back looking for pajamas, Axel following and leaning on the rail of the stairs, crossing his arms. “…So… Just curious here but who’s older- I mean I know you two are twins and all but-“  
“Sora.” I simply stated. I could care less which one of us was older and what people thought of us. Shirt located! I pulled out the white top and threw in on a separate section on the floor from my other pile of things I was ripping out and throwing on the floor. “Really?” He asked, honestly quite shocked. “I would of thought-“  
“Most people do.” Fuck where are my bottoms…? Did I not throw any in here? Shit… I looked through the other pocket, not finding any. “Shit…” I huffed. “Hn? What’s wrong?” He asked, removing himself from the rail and uncrossing his arms. “I can’t find any pants- I don’t think I packed any… Guess I’m sleeping in this.” I said, starting to put everything back. “You can borrow some clothes again, I don’t mind- just about as much as I don’t mind you sleeping in nothing but the shirt you brought-“ I threw it at his face. “Go screw yourself.” He wined and came up behind me, hugging me from behind and nuzzling my back. “Aw, but Roxy-“  
“Get the fuck off of me, please.” I said, sighing and staring at the ceiling. He wined again and let go. “Seriously though- I don’t care if you want to borrow some.” I shook my head, throwing the last article of clothing in aside from the shirt. “It’s fine- I needed a belt last time for your pants to fit me, remember?” He smirked, probably remembering all too well. “Well, you could roll the tops down- and I could give you a pair with elastic in the top to keep ‘em on your tiny little waist.” He said, grabbing for me, in which I took the brief moment to move out of his way and walked around him, shirt in hand. “Fine just don’t touch me and stop trying. Deal?” I asked over my shoulder, heading towards his room.  
His whole face lit up like a damned Christmas tree owned by those creepy holiday eccentrics and he followed after me, nodding. “Deal.” I walked into his room and another thought occurred to me. “…And you’re not allowed to watch me change either- you have to go in the bathroom, creep.” He scowled at me finding out about his motive. “Fiiiiiine… But you can’t be mad if I change faster than you.”

I scoffed. “Oh please. If there was a race for fastest changer, I’d so win- even live stage actors would be in awe at me.” He laughed at me, going through his drawer, looking for a pair of something for me to wear. He eventually tosses me a pair of shorts- did he like seeing me in these or something? I’m not a fucking shotacon… I waved him out as he took his clothes, saluting me, as if to say “let the race being”. Well fuck I think I seriously needed to hurry now…

I took off my regular clothes as soon as I heard the bathroom door shut- which I had to strain to hear. I had issues, having to flip my shirt right-side out. That’s probably what screwed me over, because just as I got that on and grabbed for the shorts, the lights flicked off and I was thrown on the bed, blankets over me. “Night Roxy~” I pushed at his chest and he refused to let me go. “Get off me asshole! I need to put the shorts on still!” He pulled me so close that I had no room to struggle. “You’re the one that didn’t want me watching you change- I’ve got great night vision.” I groaned. “Axel, seriously? Please? And besides, I’m not sleeping in here with you!” He snorted. “So you’re going to sleep on the couch without shorts, blanket, or pillow while I crank the ac? The basement only gets worse you know” I glared up at him in the dark. “You wouldn’t.” He smirked down at me, his green eyes basically glowing like a cat’s in the dark, “Oh but I would, Roxas. I would. Have no fear of this.” I glared at him. “Can I at least put the shorts on then? Please?” He cuddled close to me. “What these?” He asked, snatching them. “Axel!” He tossed them in some dark corner of the room. I huffed. “G’night, Roxas.” He cooed, cuddling up to me. I sighed, too drained to really fight him. Screw you too, jerk…

In less than a minute, his warmth had made me pass out on him while he stroked my hair for no reason I was awake enough to ask about.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> End A/N: Rom com = Romantic comedy for those of you that didn’t know.  
> I feel like the original scene with Axel had more of an impact though… Still, I’m glad I incorporated his key phrase in a better way than the original. ^^


	10. Make Me Smile Like I Mean It

Chapter IX: Make me Smile Like I Mean It

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

There are times when I get so stressed out, I get happy. It’s almost like I lost it so badly, that it morphs into insanity. Like one time, I failed a test that would make up a fourth of my entire grade with a lovely 38%, but the kicker was that there was a test the day after I got back from the hospital with a broken knee cap, the left one. I had no forewarning about this, so no time to study. I’d like to point out that I was on fucking crutches, ‘cuse it was still busted as fuck, but I needed to go home because I was worried about Sora. I was so stressed, because he said there were no make-ups, no exceptions. I wanted to cry. It felt like everything inside of me was being squeezed, forcing its way out in a hysterical laugh, then leaving through tears.  
Mom then proceeded to push me down the stairs one morning as punishment for failing it.

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

I was woken up to nymph like laughter and the clicking and flash of a phone camera. I wined and turned over in my sleep, throwing my leg over whatever it was I was laying on and the blankets over my head. “Sora it’s too early for this crap… Seriously, get a life.” He snickered again at me. “Well, my life is full of taking embarrassing pictures of my brother, being… Well whatever this is.” My eyes shot open as I realized what I was laying on after it touched my back. I screeched like a pansy and fell out of the bed, then shot up and tried to tackle Sora, running into the dresser as he avoided me. Axel sat up and sighed, then laid back down as I dashed out of the room. “How can you guys act like this first thing in the morning?” He mumbled, rubbing his face with his hands as if he was washing it. My face flared as I chased after Sora realizing I was pants-less and Axel was shirtless.  
This would be a lovely thing to put as an “FML”… Hell my whole life would be…

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

“Sora gimmie the damn phone!” I yelled, chasing him down the stairs. “Or what?” He giggled, dashing into the kitchen. I stopped chasing him and went over the desktop Axel had and opened my email- we hadn’t turned it off yesterday, so it was just asleep. “Hey Sora~!” I called, the tone of my voice overly sweet as I opened a draft email I had had for a while. He peaked around the corner at me, sucking on his bottom lip. “Yush?” He asked, snapping another picture. “Take one more- I dare you. I will send these lovely shots of you to Riku.” I said, opening an attachment for him to see. He gasped and almost dropped the phone, fumbling with it. “Y-You wouldn’t!” He said, utterly horrified. “You can’t! You don’t have his email!” I shrugged. “No, but you do and I know your password, so yes. I do.” I hovered the mouse over the send button. “I swear I will send these to everyone in my contacts if you hit that!” He hissed at me. He set it up and his finger hovered over the send button.

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

  
“Hand off the mouse!” He hissed.  
“Hand off of the phone!” I retorted. Axel grabbed me up by my middle and removed me from the computer, then snatched the phone out of Sora’s hand before either of us realized what had just happened. “Man, you guys are noisy in the morning…” He mumbled. I glared at Sora while I lay over Axel’s arm like a pet of some sort. Sora wined and jumped for the phone, which was held over his head and out of my reach as well. He played around with it, then handed it back. Sora inspected the damage. “…Aw! You deleted them!” He wined, falling to the floor. Axel messed with the computer next, then set me down. “Hey, you can’t do that!” I hissed at him. “Those are some of the only baby pictures I have of him not in a diaper!” I wined, trying to remove him from the keyboard. He used one hand to mush into my face and keep me at bay, deleting them. I looked utterly heartbroken as I sat next to Sora on the floor.

“…They were really cute pictures of you two…” He mumbled. “You were even smiling in your sleep in the first one.” My face was dusted pink a bit. “Your bare ass was adorable- I couldn’t wait to hear all of the shit you’d get from Riku…” His face did the same. We both sighed at the same time as Axel walked out of the room, still a zombie and went upstairs, just to come back down and make coffee and go right back up. When we heard the door shut, Sora looked over at me and smirked. “Would you be mad if I sent them to my phone and this was yours?” I shook my head and laughed a bit, smirking to him as well. “Not as long as you’re not mad that I sent them to another email I had.” We both snickered, the thought occurring that if the whole “evil twin” thing as well as the common “twin-telekinesis” thing was ever more applied to us, it was when we were fucking with one another like this, then got up. “We will continue this later.” I said as I helped him up. He nodded. “Agreed.” I took my phone from him and went to my bag, then grabbed some clothes and Sora did the same.

We both changed in the bathroom, the fucking obnoxious size making it totally fine. We went into the kitchen where Axel was sipping coffee to wake himself up. It smelled really good… We both sat down at stared at him, some part of both of us wanting food from him. He ignored us for a minute, lost in his zombie brain, or even nothing at all, then looked up at us with his green eyes with flecks of darker, moss green. “…How about we go out for breakfast?”

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

The writing for the name of the place was in cursive and scrawl-y, reading “Entity”, and it had a similar feel about it to “Oblivion”. The place was brown and tan, the entrance greeting you with a chestnut counter, a slight amount of tables to the right, the majority to the left. There were various, old fashion pictures on the walls in sepal tone colors; paintings on old parchment of vases and bodies without faces in odd, almost dancing forms. There were small, upside down light shades above each table, creating warm lighting for the café. A waitress led us to a table by the window while I gawked at the place, feeling completely safe and so warm I could vomit from paranoia of something running it- mainly me.

“Feel familiar at all?” Axel asked while he sat down across from me and Sora, me on the inside. I nodded. He smiled. “It should. Marluxia’s dad owns the place and Oblivion.” I continued looking around, remaining silent. “Wow. It feels nice in here!” Sora said, relaxing into the booth, slouching like a lame. I smacked his chest with the back of my hand. I felt like this was the type of place where we both just dressed totally wrong in our lovely jeans and t-shirts. “Ow…!” He wined, rubbing where I hit him. Axel laughed at me. “Roxas he’s fine- no need to be so uptight. This is the type of place where you’re supposed to relax.” I sighed, releasing me tense fists.  
“So, um… How many other café’s does Marluxia’s dad own?” Axel counted on his fingers. “…Including this and Oblivion… Around four more I think, I’m not sure you’d have to ask Marly.” I think I’d do that… Each place had a different feel to it, yet the exact same one. It was weird. It was like walking into another dimension, so you instantly felt out of place, then instantly relaxed because of the atmosphere was basically what you had before.

A waitress came over and handed us some menus strictly for drinks, then food menus. She smiled at us, telling us she’d be back in ten for our drinks at least. Axel sighed contentedly and looked through the menu, Sora and I doing the same, finding similar drinks; fruit drinks with soda with actual fruit in them at the bottom, flavored sugar lining the rim of the cups. I got pomegranate, Sora got raspberry. We then decided to get a shitload of pancakes with the works on them with bacon for me and sausage for Sora, then a giant omelet with everything on it but mushrooms to share- We were fat shut up. When we were allowed to eat, we’d eat. Simple as that. At home, it was breakfast if you got up for it, if you got up late, you got the shit beaten out of you, then lunch- however if you were late getting up you didn’t get any of that either- then dinner- however if you managed to piss her off during the course of the day you went to bed without. So, as you can see, I really didn’t eat much.  
When the waitress came back she turned to Axel. “Your boyfriends are adorable!” She cooed after taking our orders. Sora and my face flared so badly it was amazing we didn’t pass out. He just laughed. “Oh yeah. The one on the inside of the booth is my favorite. I got him to sleep with me last night.” I buried my face in my hands and groaned. I knew she was going to take that the wrong way and wouldn’t hear it any other way no matter how much I would or protested. She blushed, holding the menus to cover her mouth, but it was obvious there was a smile there. Sora rubbed my back. Axel would have had to fight Riku tooth and nail over that kid, so he was better off telling her he at least wasn’t because if Sora’s lovey-dovey shithead boyfriend found out he said that, he was going to murder him, no questions needed. Maybe I should message him…

The waitress took her leave to ~~gossip~~ give our orders to the cook. I glared up at Axel, hands still by my face, who just laughed at me. “What? You need to relax some.” I put my hands down on the table, glaring at him extremely hard. “Oh so making me out to be your bitch is going to calm me down?” Sora put a hand on my shoulder in an attempt to do exactly what the atmosphere was supposed to, worried I was getting riled up. “It’s okay Roxas, he was just kidding.” He put his hands up in defense. “Hey, she’s the one who took it like that.”  
“You’re the one who implied it!” I growled at him. He saw I was seriously mad at him about this, so he sighed. “Look… I’m sorry, okay…?” I glared out the window, chin in my hand. “Whatever… You’re making this up to me later. Now the waitress thinks you banged me…” Sora stifled a laugh. I glared over at him, he shut up. She came back with our drinks and Axel whispered something to her, then she gasped. “O-Oh, I’m sorry!” He laughed. “It’s fine. I personally thought it was funny, but he didn’t take to kindly to it, and I don’t like when he’s mad at me.” She “aw’d” like I was a pet or something, then left to go tell her friends how she was totally wrong, but how the red head probably still wanted me. I could live with that part at the very least…

“…I’m the new cancer, never looked better- you can’t stand it! ‘Cuse you say so under your breathe!” Sora’s phone vibrated in his pocket against my leg and I jumped ten feet, pressing myself into the window. Axel and Sora laughed at me. He pulled out his phone and answered the text. “Riku I’m assuming?” He smiled up at me, then resumed replying to his message. A fitting ring tone for the vain douche bag… I relaxed into my seat. “So just curious, what’s your ringtone for me?” Axel asked me, fingers laced, a wide smirk on his face. I sighed and pulled out my phone and went to the ringtone. “…I feel pretty, oh so pretty-“ His entire usual cocky expression dropped, and I laughed out loud at him. “No, no! I’m kidding! I just wanted to see your face. Seriously though, I haven’t decided on anything yet, so you get the general tone of whatever I want it to be at the moment.” He pouted. “Aw…” I shrugged. “I’ll know it when I hear it.” He stretched in his chair and sipped his drink. “Sora’s?” I went to said ringtone. It was just the overplayed but still kickass Skrillex song, “Scary Monsters And Nice Sprites”- the cool parts anyway. He nodded. “Cool.” I nodded. “I know.”  
He played with the straw in his drink, swirling it. “So like, just curious, but what exactly do you listen to for music, Roxy?” I sipped Sora’s drink. “Roxas. And I could care less about the genre. It’s about what they’re singing about- techno is cool sounding- like a seizure in sound.” Sora sipped my drink. “I think it sounds like Transformer’s having sex.” Axel busted out laughing. I had heard him say it before, so it was nothing new to me, but his view on the concept was interesting and had me in hysterics the first time. “And how do you know what Transformer’s having sex sounds like?” Sora shrugged. “You see the newer movies? You ever listen to them when they change form? I think that’s what it sounds like. Still, gotta hand it to DeadMau- They’re Transformer porno is amazing.” I chuckled a bit.

“Yeah, yeah. I got it.” I said, musing his hair. He wanted one of their CD’s and had for a while. “You know, we should also come here in December.” Axel raised an eyebrow. “What’s in December?” I glanced over at a wall. “Our-“  
“Don’t.” I stopped him. The last thing I needed was him knowing when _that_ was… Dear god… “What?” He asked, now very interested. “Roxas why can’t I tell him? It’s not like we make a big deal out of it anyways- besides, I bet he’d get you something good.” I sighed, glanced over at Axel, then Sora, back at the window, then back at Axel. “I don’t want anything… But it’s our birthday is around that lovely Pagan holiday that gets mixed up with the birth of some supposed god’s son.” I said, bitterly. “What, Christmas- and really? I never knew that…” I nodded. “Yeah. Sora and I usually get something for one another, and that’s that.” I said. “What about your mom? She doesn’t get you anything for either holiday?” Sora glanced nervously over at me, then to his lap. “U-Um… She uh, tends to forget…” Yeah but we’re not allowed to forget to get her something or we’re in for it…

Axel raised an eyebrow, extremely confused about how a mother could forget the birth of her children. “Look can we not fucking talk about this please!?- And I swear to god, you better not get us anything or I will murder you and return it after trashing it.” He looked utterly shocked as the waitress came over and gave us our pile of cooked flour and sugar and our eggs with everything under the sun in them and Axel whatever stupid thing he got.  
She shook the whipped cream container, then started spraying. “Say when.” Sora and I just sat there, staring. She looked at us worriedly when it started to tilt off of the plate. “When.” Sora said. She did the same to mine, getting equally worried, and I didn’t say when, just playing with my phone. “Um, okay when!” Axel said for me, moving her hand away from the mountain of cream. I looked up and smirked. He laughed. “Man you guys are little shits, you know that?” We nodded, taking the flavored syrup and pouring half of the container that we chose. She looked at our mass of sweet food and left, shaking her head.  
Sora licked his lips and stared at his plate. “Is it bad I want to just burry my face in this and sit there, then eat it?” I attempted to mush his face into it, but he resisted in spite of his statement, me only getting some on his nose. “Hey!” He laughed regardless. I leaned down to my plate and sucked some whipped cream, in which he did the same to me- should of seen that coming. Axel sighed. “Okay stop fucking around with your food and eat it.” He said like a tired baby sitter. I wiped my face and just stared at him blankly with Sora. We were never allowed to play with our food- ever. He sounded like mom. We weren’t exactly approving of that. Sora probably was wishing he had a plastic spork as much as I did. “Axel go fuck the waitress and leave us alone.” I said blatantly, then started eating my pile of sugary shit. Sora giggled and did the same. “Roxas you’re a jerk.” Sora said, taking a bite from his pancakes. “I know. Axel gets off on it though.” I said, staring at a piece of my pancake stack and rubbing it into my whipped cream to get some more. Axel chuckled and started on his food.

“See? He laughed- an awkward way of agreeing.” We ate in contented silence for a bit before Sora started playing with his drink. He sucked some juice into the straw, then pressed onto the top with his tongue so it wouldn’t go anywhere, replaced it with his finger, then took it out of the cup and put it in his mouth through the other end. I chuckled lightly at him. “Seriously though. We should see if we can convince mom to take us.” No promises, but I’ll try to take you, Sora… It may be later than planned, but I’ll try…

I just nodded like I wasn’t listening to him. “That or go to Axel’s house again- oh, wait sorry… You’d probably be busy with your own family stuff, huh? Okay maybe we could…” He hummed, not really having an idea. “I usually don’t do much. The group I’m in at the school does stuff and I tend to join them. It’s pretty fun. I wouldn’t mind if you guys tagged along- Roxas especially considering he’s supposed to be with us anyway.” I stuck my tongue out at him and made a bitter facial expression at him. “Not.”  
“Are.”  
“Not.”  
“Are.”  
“Not.”  
“Ladies your both lovely, now stop!” We both stopped. I slouched, feeling embarrassed that Sora had to lecture me, being a smart ass about it too. “…Sorry…” I mumbled. He looked over at me and just burst out into bright laughter. Like a sun had something covering it, like blinds, then they were suddenly just… Gone. “W-What…?” He shook his head, still laughing. “It’s nice… To see you like this.” He said, calming his laughter. Now that he mentioned it, I was either bitter or fighting for our lives… I played with my food to keep from looking at him or Axel. He poked me in my side and I bent away. “Aw, I’m sorry. Did I embarrass you, Roxas?” He wrapped his arms around my shoulders. “Ew, dude: Gay.”

“I know you are but what am I?” I sighed, a big smirk on my face from the cliché but perfectly placed line. “A flaming homo that enjoys running around in rainbow striped female bikini’s that _desperately_ wants to bang his man but can’t since he has yet to confess to his sheer, utter lacking in interest of women to his family and doesn’t want them questioning him.” He gasped, pulling away, fingers angled at his jaw. “Oh my gosh, that’s supposed to be a secret!” He said, sounding like the faggiest faggot in the history of flaming fags, only missing the decals on his nails to finish the look. “Who told you!” I chuckled, trying to continue eating. “Well, you called me gay- my gaydar went off bro. We can _sense_ one another.” He burst into hysterics and hugged me again.

Axel laughed at us. “Are you two normally always with the dialogue?” We both looked at him, me mid fork with food in my mouth, Sora still hanging off of me, and we both nodded. “It’s just our thing. We sometimes go off on tangents with these crazy scenarios.” Sora answered. Axel nodded, smiling, almost as if he was pondering something. I wiggled away from Sora and he easily let go to resume attacking his other target of interest. We eventually finished our towers of sugar highs that were easily being drowned out by the ightis we both acquired even more easily. We got back into Axel’s car, Sora taking the back seat and sprawling out. I stuck my tongue out at him and he laughed.

I put my seat belt on and wiggled down into my seat, folding my hands over my protruding stomach and closing my eyes. Axel had some OST playing and in five minutes I was out like a light with Sora snoring slightly in the back.

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

  
Axel gently woke me up, calling my name barely above a whisper, hand stoking my hair. For a second, I thought I was still dreaming. No one had ever woken my up that gently before… It was almost painful- like it was obvious that I was actually made out of refined glass that had a few cracks in it. I jumped, terrified at this. My eyes stared at him, wide and studding every nanoscopic detail of my surroundings. He looked worried. “Hey, you okay?” He asked, still being gentle in his tone with me. I relaxed a bit and nodded, realizing I was still in the car. “I’m sorry, did I startle you? I tried not to-“ I shook my head, opening the door. “You’re fine…” I mumbled.  
I shut the door and opened the back one, sitting next to Sora. I was tempted to leave him passed out in the back as payback for this morning. I decided against it and patted his shoulder a few times. He yawned and sat up before his eyes even opened. It amazed me how he did it, it really did. He looked around, spotting me and smiled, hair a mess. “Come on, ya nutt.” I said, my way of coaxing him out of the car. He yawned and got up, following after me, still not even fully awake, but then again neither was I. We followed Axel in, and he unlocked the front door with his key, but looked extremely confused. “What?” I asked him. He shook his head. “I know I locked it, so why is it…”

He shook his head and opened the door. We were greeted with the sounds of a piano, mid song playing, the melody getting louder, then mellowing back out, as if one was about to step up to do something, just to get scared and change his mind. This is why I hated the piano. It was so easy to feel what the player was trying to convey because of the great scale it had in sound range. Axel growled, expression looking extremely pissed off. I was glad it wasn’t directed at me, because it was monster like distain for the player.

He stormed off towards the room where the piano was. I looked over at Sora, who looked extremely lost. I shook my head at him, then nodded into the other room. He nodded and followed me. A man in a black suit with slicked back obnoxiously bright red hair like Axel’s, if not louder, sat at the stool, playing the refrain. He looked old… He had deep lines in his face from constant frowning in his forehead and by his mouth. He finished his piece, never one looking up until he finished. He then stood up, and gently closed the piano, as if it was a child he was putting to bed, then just as carefully, lifted the stool from the rug and placed it underneath, as if giving it a bottle for its long nap.

Only then did he finally decided to look up, as if he knew he couldn’t put it off any longer.

“Dad.” Axel said nodding, arms crossed, the look on his face one of extreme restraint as to not set the man’s baby on fire and feed him to the flames.  
“Axel.” He said, his voice rough from what sounded like either years of yelling or eating metal. Either way, just stating his son’s name, he sounded extremely bitter.  
So this was him… The man who loved music more than his son.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> End A/N: Sora’s ringtone for Riku was “There's A Good Reason These Tables Are Numbered Honey, You Just Haven't Thought Of It Yet” by Panic! At the Disco. I’ve kinda always felt like Sora would listen to stuff like them and My Chemical Romance and stuff like that... lol  
> The song that Axel’s dad was playing, if you’d like to hear it, is “Showtime (Piano Refrain)” from Homestuck Vol. 1 album, track one. A very lovely piano track.


	11. The Bitter Burn of Vomit

Chapter X: The Bitter Burn of Vomit

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

…Tell me what it’s like to want to go kill yourself- really tell me. Give it to me in the best words your able to muster up. You can’t can you? You either feel that whatever you managed to put can’t compare or you’re just too scared to because it means getting into some dark side of yourself you refuse to acknowledge. What _exactly_ makes you want to go to bed sobbing, yet in the same breathe makes you pass out? What is it that makes you so desperate to stop feeling numb that you go and hurt yourself?

Tell me because I need a name for this feeling that keeps eating at me without taking a pause to chew.

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

“Dad.” Axel said nodding, arms crossed, the look on his face one of extreme restraint as to not set the man’s baby on fire and feed him to the flames.  
“Axel.” He said, his voice rough from what sounded like either years of yelling or eating metal. Either way, just stating his son’s name, he sounded extremely bitter.  
So this was him… The man who loved music more than his son.

He looked behind Axel to me and Sora in the doorway, being mice. Sora jumped at the man’s cold amber eyes and ducked behind me. I just stared back with my own. He stopped looking at the baby rabbit and decided to look over his shield. He stared at me and I stared right back, not moving an inch. Something about the amount of testosterone in this room was making me mad- Mainly at this guy. Axel walked in front of me and obscured our glares. “Roxas do you want to take Sora into the other room for like a snack or movie or something? He looks like he could use some air or something.” We were just outside you shit… I looked up at him, not saying anything. “…If you want we can leave…” Sora offered, voice barely audible. He knew how I was, and he knew what type of situation this could turn into. “Oh, you guys don’t have to leave! You’re fine! Honest. Go raid the fridge and hang out in the gazebo or something for now, yeah?”

I raised an eyebrow at him. “…You have a gazebo?” He nodded. “Yup. You know where the roses and those other red flowers meet out by the trees, but you know how they’re a bit separate? It’s the start of the path. It’s pretty cool. I’ll be out in a bit, alright?” Sora was now perfectly fine and didn’t even care about the food. He wanted to go explore. He pulled on my shirt. “Come on, Roxas, I wanna see it!” I looked back over at Axel, giving him an apologetic look, which was meet with an equally apologetic smile, and left with Sora.

I felt terrible for leaving him alone in there. By the time we found the flowers, I could hear the piano being played again from outside and cringed. I thought I hatted that noise before, but this was ridiculous… I wanted to yell at the top of my lungs and do an overly dramatic charge into his house, hand him a lighter and watch the bonfire while singing “Fuck you” type songs. However, all I could really do was be rational and continue with Sora on finding the gazebo. I mean… He just told me about it yesterday… I barely had a hand in this yet alone a whisper of a word; This wasn’t my fight. I mean, the way I reacted to Axel too made me even less involved… All I could do, properly anyway, was quietly get mad for him and stay out of his hair… And I hatted every fraction second of it. I hatted feeling useless… So much… It made me feel desperate… And angsty…

I drudged after Sora, who calmly walked in front of me. “…Did I miss something?” He asked me. I looked at his back. “…No.” He avoided falling flat on his face by stepping over a tree root that I happened to miss and stumbled over. “…You lying?” He asked, head turning slight to the side. “…Yes.” He stopped walking and turned around. “Is it a secret?” I nodded, eyes studying his. “…Okay.” He turned around and resumed walking and I did the same. “…Hey Roxas…?” I hummed a reply. “…Do you want to wander around and get lost?” I took a couple of long strides and resumed my walk right next to him. “Am I that open of a book?” He nodded. “With one word in bold font, size fifty.” I chuckled at him. “Oooof course I am…”

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

Sora whooped from a nearby tree, and I cawed at him. He waved at me with both arms to show me where he was. I laughed at him, doing the same from a different tree, but more in a wing flapping motion. “Roxas we need our own woods in our backyard- this is great.” I laughed, reaching for another branch. “Oh man, I so agree.” I secured my position in the tree closer to him. He gave me a big grin and waited for me to make my way over to him. We were probably about twenty feet up. Not that high really considering these trees went up to probably fifty, maybe more. At about twenty though, their braches started mixing into one another, so it was easy to transfer from tree to tree without having to worry much about the drop down if you missed.

I managed to easily make it over to him and crouched next to him. “Hey!” I greeted him. “Hi!” He said, smiling again. “This is fun.” He stated again, bouncing up and down on his heels. I nodded in agreement. Yeah, him constantly saying the same thing was a bit annoying, but… I agreed, so I had no right to complain. I mean, I probably would do it too if I was more vocal. “…So, um… Do you think Axel’s…” He didn’t know exactly what he was supposed to say there. “I’m sure he’s fine… Besides, we’re in the trees by the gazebo, so if he comes by, we’ll see him.” I know he was just saying it because it needed to be said, and in comforting him, I tended to also do it to myself more often that I realized. I must have done it enough for him to notice though.

“He wanted us outta there, so I think we should respect that and stay out for a bit.” As much as I wanted to bust in there and bust other things… “…Hey, Roxas? Know what you should do? You should sing for me. Right now.” I groaned. “No! You know I hate that!” He pouted. “But you don’t do it anymore!” I barely ever did. The most I had done was sing him lullabies as a kid that I had read in books and googled the melody of when he was too scared to go to sleep. “No! I’m awful at it!” Sora narrowed his eyes at me. “…Roxas. Be a bird- like earlier.”  
“I was actually being a crow-“ He groaned obnoxiously, swirling himself full circle, using a branch as leverage. “Just do it! I don’t care what song it is, just do it!” I sighed. I wasn’t about to win this war… “…If you were gay, dana-nana-nanana! That’d be okay~!” But I could win the battle. He groaned, and I continued, trying not to laugh. “If you were queer! Dana-nana-nanana! I’d still be he-“  
“Okay stop! You win!” I laughed at him, not able to hold in anymore. Victory! I managed to calm myself down after a minute while Sora looked over my shoulder and waved. I sighed, getting the last of my laughter out, and turned around. Axel was standing there, looking up at me and just… Staring. Like I was the damned end of a rainbow or some shit. “…You okay, down there? How’d it go?” He cleared his throat and looked around, as if to remind himself where he was. “Um, i-it went alright. Just coming out here to check on you guys is all…” Sora started climbing down. “Be careful- so he’s still there?” He shrugged, looking around, putting his hands in his pockets. “Well, it _is_ his house, even if he is never in it…” Sora made it safely to the ground. “So do you want us to call our mo-“  
“I don’t mind if you want to stay. I just feel bad and all…” He said, cutting me off. Sora tipped his head. “Hn? Why?” Axel chuckled. “Hope you like constant piano is all. Man never stops.” Right… The pretty dressing for the foothold of a lie that’s partly the truth. Nice. Smelled like fucking fresh basil- the lie I mean.

I continued staring down at him. Even though he was tall, he wasn’t eye level with me… We needed a fifty foot tree in our yard. I would be in that thing every day hiding from her with Sora… I didn’t want to come down. Axel looked over at the gazebo. “So you guys been monkeying around out here or did you actually go in?” I scoffed at him. “We are birds, thank you.” Sora laughed from the ground, Axel smiled. “I’ll take that as a no. I stash so much food in there it’s crazy. I’m amazed no squirrels or anything get in there- Well, it is in like, Tupperware and crap, but still.” I couldn’t help but let a smile eat at my face. “Well, one does manage to get in there if you’re eating it all.” Sora bit his bottom lip to keep from laughing. “Thought I was a ferret or something?” I shrugged. “You variate depending on my mood towards you.” He chuckled.

“So you going to come down or do I need to bribe you?” I blinked at him, not moving. “…I like stuff.” He laughed and rolled his eyes, heading into the gazebo, Sora following. I relaxed into the tree, sitting down, one leg over the side, my right on the length of the branch. It was moments like these where people wished they had harmonicas and stuff… I would of loved to take a nap- again- in the tree, but I had major paranoia about falling out of it and killing myself… So I just sat there and zoned. It was nice. I heard Sora talking with Axel about something, the birds singing, leaves rustling against others every time the wind blew…

I hated it.

I was just so… I didn’t like nice things because I knew I couldn’t have them or keep them nice because they’d be wrecked. I was so envious of things like children’s toys that were worn out from being cuddled with every night. Me and Sora never had anything like that. If it started to shed, it’d make a mess, so it had to be thrown out. We wouldn’t get replacements for it either… Hell we’d be lucky if we had the same pillows for over half a year even by a day.

The door to the gazebo slammed behind Sora. He came out with a bag of marshmallows. “Hey. You just gonna sit up there the entire time? Moping?” I sighed, rolling my eyes and swinging my legs over to one side. “I am not _moping_.” He tossed a marshmallow at me. “Were to. You get this look on your face.” He said, inspecting another before he popped it onto his mouth. “Axel suggested smores, but we can’t do anything without the graham crackers.”  
“Okay? What does this have to do with me?” He popped four more into his mouth, chewing thoughtfully before swallowing to answer. “You’re the crackers.” I scoffed at him, laughing a bit. “Why do I get to be the boring part?” I asked. He shook his head. “No. Axel said I’m a nice kid with lots of energy, so I get the marshmallows. He said he melts under too much pressure, but something about him was still “alluring” in that way, so he’s the chocolate.” I laughed so hard I almost fell out of the tree. He waited until I was done to continue. “And he said you’re a hard butt, but you keep nice things together and I agreed with him.” He had said “ass” obviously. Sora and his avidness to avoiding “bad words” was funny sometimes.

I sighed, starting to climb down. Sora had a large smile on his face. “I thought this was something you did in the evening.” I touched base safely, no incident- surprisingly. “It is, but he said now was as good a time as any, especially since we’d have to leave before we could.” I swear he was trying to fatten us up in order to eat us… I stole a marshmallow, which Sora loudly objected to, and ate it. I smirked a bit at him, going into the gazebo. We probably had a good ten minutes, three being eaten by me, five by Sora, two for Axel, before we were interrupted.

“What are you uncultured brats doing out here?” His father asked, coming into the gazebo, looking around as if it was a dirt hill full of maggots, cutting one of Sora’s brilliant laughs short. “…We’re eating, dad.” Axel replied dryly. He sneered. “Right. Because making food is the only thing you seem to be able to do- and even then, it’s terribly dull.” …Terriblly _dull_!? Oh fuck no. It was one thing for him to sit there and subtly insult me and Sora, we were fucking used to it, but outright doing it to Axel in front of guest? Did the man have no form of respect for his only son- a son which required part of his own genetics to be made? Lucky Axel, not getting saddled with the shitty part to say the least.  
“We’re not “uncultured”.” I said coldly towards him. He scoffed. “Oh really?” I stood up. “Really. I can play the piano just as good as Axel, and I haven’t played since I was a kid.” I growled. I could feel Sora tense as well as his entire energy change- he was worried- doubting me even... He crossed his arms and moved out of the door way, testing my valor, and I accepted his challenge. I glared past him, not even giving him the decency of looking at him.  
“Pedicabo ego vos, vos vegrandis dicked obiectum sexualem.” I spat, making his eyes grow wide. Yeah. Fuck you. I certainly did say fuck you and call you a tiny dicked object sexual in Latin. God I’ve never been so grateful for my mother having paranoia about some situation like this occurring- I’d have to thank her or something when I was in a good enough mood as to not kill her. Even before middle school, she had us pick a language and learn it, a lot of her colleagues needing to know things in order to go overseas, so she had them teach us. Sora jogged after me. “…Um, are you sure this is a good idea? I-I mean, you really _haven’t_ played since we were kids…” Not from what he knew of- and even then, it was just a little key touching…

“I’m tired of adults treating us like garbage.” I spat, wanting desperately to decapitate or strangle something. “This “uncultured swine” is gonna fucking kick some mud mixed with shit in someone’s face if this keeps up.” He knew what I said was funny, but still tried not to laugh. Axel followed behind, but in front of his dad. “What are you going to even play?” Sora asked, still a bit worried. …Well fuck I hadn’t gotten that far… Um… Fuck… Moonlight Sonata? No, I didn’t remember all of the notes and even then it was cliché… Um… Shit I’d have to make something up at this rate… Fuck…

I let myself into the house, not waiting for the red-headed pair. I took of my shoes before entering, and made a B-line to the piano- wonder why in the hell it’s called a “B-line” when it’s not even- whatever, that’s completely unimportant right now… I made a fucking I-line to the piano. I pulled out the stool, wondering why the fuck I hadn’t taken my time in order to think of what to play… Um… Maybe- no that was a cello… Um… I opened the piano, letting out a nervous breathe. Fuck me and my ego…

Axel shot me a nervous glance while his father arrived a few moments after him. He stood there, waiting for me to play something. …You know what? Fuck it. I slammed down on the keys, making his father as well as Axel have a look of utter horror on their faces for the poor piano. I started playing something eager, and angry. Fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck your piano and fuck you…

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

I glared over at him when I was done. “…Call their parents I want them gone.” He said, glaring at me. I wanted to spit flames. It was good! Yeah, it could have been boarder-line “violent” but like…! Ugh! Axel gave me an apologetic look and went for the house phone. Axel’s father wandered off as to not have to look at me anymore, Sora shrunk into himself. “...Do you think we’ll be allowed over again, even if he’s not here?” Sora asked, worried I had messed up yet another- …What was this? I didn’t know how to reply, so I just gently touched a note on the piano. Come on Roxas… Don’t mess this up… You know you can’t even bare to look over at your brother because you know you just fucked this up… Come on… Think… Play something… This isn’t about ego you dumbass it’s about respect and you just basically stomped on his foot then spat on him…

…I let it sink in. That empty feeling. I could hear the blood rushing through me, sounding like pulsating water… I used it as a counter and tried something again… Something less violent… Axel might get yelled at for having us over as it was, yet alone of one of your guest just disrespected your most loved possession- as unfair as that was… I just… Let myself imagine I was that kid- the one in the music room of my elementary school… So direly wanting to keel over… From having to sit there at the piano and play for everyone… All of the upperclassmen wondering why I was so special for an entire assembly to be called just so they could hear _me_ play something… Sora giving me eager smiles and encouraging me from where I could see him- the only one encouraging me… Everyone else just wanted to know what the big deal was…  
He liked it here… I couldn’t mess this up… I didn’t want to be the reason his smile went away… I didn’t want him to hate me because of how rash I had become… Please don’t hate me… I don’t want that…

Don’t hate me… Don’t hate me… Don’t hate me… Don’t hate me… Please don’t hate me… Please don’t hate me… Please don’t hate me… Don’t hate me… Don’t hate me… Don’t hate me… Please… It’s my worst fear is to have my brother hate me… Yeah, this may not seem like a big deal to anyone else- but imagine the thing you loved the most- the only thing that liked you or made sense to you or made you happy- disappearing or not being there anymore or hating you if it could… I didn’t want that…

I felt someone gently touch my shoulder, and I jumped ten feet in the air, slamming my knee on the underside of the piano. I winced, letting out a small, strangled groan. I hadn’t even realized I had closed them, yet alone been playing anything… That’s what I did as a kid- I’d just hit notes, and they’d sound good, so I would just keep going… I would lose myself in my head and- I had done it again… I hatted that… There was nothing highly special or revered about that. It had always made me mad that people said that was a talent when it wasn’t- it was just a lonely kid hitting some keys… And I hated that; Hatted that someone had saw me being vulnerable again. That’s why I had stopped in the first place. Playing left me as open as the sea. “So when’s she coming?” I asked, slamming the top of the piano down. “…Roxas, you gotta let my dad hear that.”

“I don’t know what _it_ was.” I said, storming off into the other room to collect my things. Sora didn’t follow, but I heard him say something to Axel quickly and then take his time approaching me. “…Roxas, I think you really should-“  
“No. End of story. No sequel, no fanfictions.” I said harshly, cramming our things into my bag. “Sorry I fucked up, won’t happen again- _obviously_ since we _clearly_ won’t be over again- Sora do you have all your shit?” I spat at him, sighing frustrated. He gave me a meek nod. Yeah, he was messy but everything of his usually was kept in one collective spot. He picked up his things, I took my mine, slipped on my shoes and sat out on the front step and he joined me. Axel quickly ran after us. “Hey, no one said you have to sit out here. You can at least wait insi-“  
“No deal.” I told him, not even sparing him a glance. I stared straight ahead. The sad part was is that I wasn’t even mad at him, yet I wanted to beat him with a stick covered in nails… He sighed and sat down next to Sora, saying nothing. It was quiet while I stewed in my anger.

“…So why’d you stop playing?” Axel finally asked me. “…You have your reasons for hating it, I have mine.” I said bitterly. Not even Sora was fully covered in details as to why… I never told him, because that in itself was leaving me vulnerable… “…And I told you mine.” He countered, making my shoulder flinch and I felt like my entire body had just shrunk and I was sitting in a room too large with the light too bright on me and too dark on everyone else and everyone was watching as I sat on an elevated section where they could all see me... _Everyone_. …And it horrified me. But I still did what all of the adults had asked me to- because it had been beaten into me to do so, so that’s what I did. I played something that sounded nervous and shaky, but intentional. After a while I had calmed down enough to incorporate something decent- then I opened my eyes.  
She was there. She was sitting in the front row with Sora and was lecturing him silently, her glare from whatever he had done being directed at me once she was done, making me shake and play something that let everyone hear how desperate I was- then I just stopped.  
 _“Roxas that was so good!”_  
“It sounded so sad!”  
“Did you write that yourself?”  
“There was no way you played that, it had to of been recorded or something. I mean, you’re like- what seven?”  
“Roxas why did it sound so sad? Were you sad when you wrote it?”  
“Come on brats, we’re going home now, your shows over.”  
“Roxas why did it sound so sad? Are you okay?”

…I started shaking and held my knees to my chest. “…Because everyone said it sounded so sad- so they kept asking me and _asking_ me what was wrong like they wanted to know- like they actually cared…! Then you go and break and finally tell them and they look at you funny…! Like… Like there’s something _wrong_ with you when _they’re_ the ones who asked…!” I felt a hand on my shoulder and I jumped up and smacked it away, not caring if it was Sora or Axel. I just didn’t want to be touched right now… I just wanted to go home and be a good little drone and do what I was told and not have to think for myself because that hurt way too much…  
I stood there while Sora and Axel sat and stared at my back, every minute mom took seeming like an infinite hour until, finally, she got there. I was up by the side of the car before she had even gotten all of the way in the drive way, opening the door. She gave me a funny look, confused while Sora said goodbye to Axel. I was kind of hoping his dad would come out and tell mom how “horrid” we were and have her curse him out- although there was also the possibility that she would take what he said to heart and knock me out for it… I was willing to take my chances this time. We drove home in silence, mom not having anything on because she could tell there was a large elephant sitting in the back seat with Sora. “…So…” She started. “I don’t want to talk about it.”  
…And that was the end of that, she didn’t pry anymore, choosing to put some music on a low volume.  
“… _I found God_  
On the corner of First and Amistad  
Where the west  
Was all but won  
All alone  
Smoking his last cigarette  
I said, "Where you been?"  
He said, "Ask anything"...”

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

We got home and I tossed my things in the room on the floor, flopping down on the bed, my knees on the floor, and groaning into the pillow. I sat like that for a while before Sora came upstairs and set my vibrating phone on my lower back and walked out. I sighed, wanting it to just stop and let me sit there for a minute more- and it did. But then a few minutes later it went off again…. And a few more minutes later it went off again… Then again… And I was ready to scream. I sat up, letting it fall on the floor and picked it up, answering whoever the very few x amount of people who had my number with a pissed off, “ _What?!_ ” expecting it to be Axel. “U-Um…!” But was greeted with a girl instead. “I-It’s Naminé. Marluxia told me to call you and ask if you could come in right now, it’s really important he had to leave for some urgent family business and I’m here all by myself and it’s kind of packed and- I-I’m sorry…” I sat down, feeling bad for yelling into the phone and sighed, rubbing my face. “…No you’re fine, _I’m_ sorry… Yeah I can come in.” Maybe coming into work would be good for me- get my mind off of it… Or something. “I’ll be there as soon as I can, sorry again for yelling…” Then hung up, realizing I probably should of let her say goodbye or else making myself more of an ass than I meant to be right now… Fucking a…

I tossed my things into the closet, grabbing my uniform and went downstairs, hunting down the she-devil, finding her doing dishes. “…Mom I’m needed at work, I’m sorry.” She stopped and looked at me. “…God don’t you have your permit yet?” She sighed and rinsed her hands, drying them off on a towel. She popped her head into the living room where Sora was. “Hey, dropping your brother off at work, don’t make a mess while we’re gone.” He looked at her while she talked, then nodded. “Okay.”  
She grabbed the keys from their hold in the kitchen, then meet me outside.

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

…Sure enough, when we got there, there was a large line that was running outside the store. “I’ll call you when I’m done.” I said, getting out of the car. She nodded without a verbal reply, looking tired for me just by the length of the line, and left. I budged past the people with mumbled “excuse me”s, one guy being a dick enough to try and block me and tell me the end of the line was back there. I glared up at him, telling him that if he expected to get in, yet alone be served, he’d let me in because I worked here. He didn’t apologize, but let me through none the less. Naminé was at the counter, taking orders and juggling trays. “Hey gonna go in the back and change and then I’ll be right out and help you- what’s the track that’s playing?” I asked, dancing behind her, the rushed feeling already getting to me. “Follow, (memory tape mix) by DIIV, two I’s, all caps.”  
“Your music?”  
“Yes- ah!” I let a simile nip at me as she almost dropped something. God she was adorable… I went into the staff bathroom, quick changing and coming out and rolling my sleeves up, calling “I can help whoever’s next!” Naminé and I basically ended up having me take orders and make plates while she delivered and sat people and took their bills.

“…Um, Nami!” I called, too much in a rush to call her full name, relaxed enough to smack myself in the face for calling her by her nickname. She flushed a little but quickly recovered and gave me a bright smile. “Yes?”  
“Um, out of lemon cake. What do we do, Marluxia’s not here to make any more and people keep asking for it.” I said, as she came over, handing her another order. “Ah…! Um… Well I can make it but…”  
“I got it, go make it- or more like five, please? People are even saying they’ll wait for it.” She looked worried. “Are you sure?” She asked, dancing around people to go deliver the order. “Positive, I got it go.” I said, making another and then asking the next person in line what they wanted. She put the tray back on the counter and danced around into the kitchen, while I looked at the fuck ton of people and blew a horse raspberry- you know, the thing where you purse your lips and blow? Yeah one of those…

….There was an endless supply of people and they just kept coming… This was gonna fucking suck…

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

I groaned and slouched against the counter, slowly falling flat on my ass. My god I was ready to die… I sat on the floor behind the counter as the music flowed out of the speakers and attempted to lull me to sleep. “…Naminé what’s this track…?” I heard a dish clank in the kitchen. “Um…” She sounded exhausted and faint. “Untitled no 1 by Sigur Rós…” I forced myself to get up and go help her out- and sure enough she was sitting on the floor, dress decently caked in flour and bubbles from the dishes. “…I’ll get up in a minute I just… I just want a minute to sit…” She sighed and closed her eyes and I swear to god she looked like a little blonde doll- or even better yet an angel… It made me want to do something for her- anything at all… So I went over and grabbed the sponge and started doing the dishes. Her bright blue eyes popped open and she looked up at me, stuttering and getting up. “N-No Roxas it’s okay, I’ll-“  
“It’s fine. You rest for a minute, I got it. You were here for who knows how much longer than me, it’s okay.” She looked at me with wide, worried eyes and she slowly put a piece of blonde hair behind her ear as if questioning another protest. She nibbled her bottom lip, but went over to a stool by one of the flour caked counters and sat down. The track was so mellow and it was mostly quite aside from the occasional clink of the dishes hitting one another or the water’s constant stream. “…You don’t…” She started. “Hn?” I stopped moving dishes so I could hear her better.  
“…You don’t have to push yourself you know… If you’re doing it right now, for whatever reason, you’re bound to come up with another one later.” …I hadn’t the faintest idea as how to reply to that, so I didn’t, so I just watched her as she got up and turned off the water, taking the sponge out of my hands and setting it down, drying them off on a rag and pulling me over to another stool.

She went into a cupboard and pulled out two slices of pie, setting one down in front of me and one in front of her, handing me a fork and asking, “Feel like being guinea pig?” I gave her a slight laugh and shrugged. “Why not?” We ate in silence for a bit, the pie tasting tart yet subtly sweet, like a berry of some kind, while I honestly felt more comfortable with her than I had anywhere else in years… “Roxas?” I looked up at her, a huge chunk of the pie in my mouth. “…Can I ask what you hear- from the song I mean?”  
I didn’t question it, the thought not even occurring to me about why she would ask me that, I just swallowed and answered her as I heard it. “…You sat alone… At the fire. You saw… the light. You saw… You sat along… The fire, you saw the light. You sung, you suffered alone… You saw the light. You sung… And you sat alone. You sat… Alone. Your song…” I looked at her as she watched me for a minute and listened to me tell her what I heard. “Why?” She gave me a light smile. “His sound often gets called “Hopelandic” because there’s no official words for this song, meaning it’s all about how you interpret what you’re hearing. I always heard something else but I guess I kind of wanted to hear whatever you heard…”  
…Well that was new. “…Well what did you hear?” She got up, saying, “Let me go restart it.” with a warm smile on her face. “Put it on repeat if you want, it’s nice.” I called after her. I sat in the large mess of a kitchen alone for a bit, the mess not making me feel anxious like it normally would in, well basically any situation because of my mother. She came back and sat down in the large mess with me, and waited for him to start singing before she relayed to me what she heard. “…You sound alone… But fine… You’re so… alive. You sound… You sound alone… but fine… You’re so… alive. Your soul, it’s suffered… And oh… You’re so… alive… You soul… Is useless alone… Useless alone… You’re so…”  
As she relayed the word to me, I could hear what she heard as well and my heart almost broke with the melody- and it made me wonder how she felt about what I had heard. “…Well damn.” I said, trying to laugh it off. She laughed with me a bit. “Y-Yeah I know, I’m kind of…”  
“No, no it’s fine, I’m kind of…”  
“N-No you’re not, i-it’s okay.”  
“No I’m-“  
“No you’re not, I’m -“ We both stopped and just looked at one another for a moment and laughed.

“…Sorry.” I said, laughter coating my words. She shook her head. “N-No it’s fine. But… I mean I want to do something like being a therapist or psychologist, so I’ve been kind of trying to work on listening and looking how others see and hear things without getting my own opinion involved and I… It just makes me think too hard though… Like what would make a person hear that? What do I hear, what’s similar? Does that make our situation similar or…?” She trailed off, probably not wanting to add all of her thoughts to the verbal mix. “Oh? Going to evaluate me, _Doctor_?” I teased. “W-What n-n-no, I just… Oh…” She covered her face with her hands and I laughed a little at her, gently removing them from her blushing form. “It’s okay, I’m only teasing.” Her eyes darted around to various places before deciding on the wall, the floor, and then me. “…So, based on what I told you, what did you get out of it- in relation to me I mean?” She looked me directly in the eyes, nibbling her bottom lip. “…H-Honestly? I… I kind of don’t want to say anything because I’d be worried about being wrong or offending you or-“  
“You won’t. I won’t judge you, go on. I’m curious as to your opinion now. How about this- you tell me what you got out of me, and I’ll tell you what I got out of you, sound fair?” She looked at me for a moment longer before nodding.

“…Well… I feel that you’re lonely among some other things and looking for a way out of it. Music is an escape for you, which is why you’re so indulgent in it and always asking me about whatever it is I have playing. For you, it’s like looking into something with such life and amazing possibilities, yet not being able to do anything else but just watch, and even then you can’t watch it with anyone else, so you just sit there until whatever you thought had such vibrant life dies... And you just find a way to make yourself sad about it.”

I just stared at her, everything feeling numb. She basically just splayed me, examined me, dissected me, and classified me within a few words and simple sentences based on what I heard in a _song._ I think… I think I’m gonna hurl. This girl she… She’s amazing at what she just did. I honestly believe that she should go into the job she wants- she’d be amazing at it if not more. “…Roxas?” I jumped in my chair. “Ah- sorry, I um…” I cleared my throat, looking around the room for a minute, trying to think without it being muddled without it… “Right my turn, um… You’re going to have to forgive my lack of people knowledge.” I said with dry laughter.

“Um… Well… I know this may sound like I’m just trying to repeat you, but um… I personally think you’re lonely- like, lonely to the point where you want to do something drastic about it, but you don’t want to be that way. There’s something that made you feel so closed off and keeps you from talking to people, but you want to. It’s contradicting and that it drives you nuts, but you play it off like it’s okay- like nothing’s wrong. You…” …She looked like she was about to cry. I jumped up, panicking. Fuck, fuck, fuck- um… Shit good going you made a girl cry, Roxas, real fucking smooth! “I’m sorry did I say- wow of course I fucking said something what else would of… I’m so sorry, please don’t cry!” I instantly started panicking, not knowing what to do. She didn’t reply and she was just looking at me with those wide blue eyes that had started to overflow and…

I hugged her. I didn’t know what do to, so I just hugged her. As many times as I’ve stopped Sora from crying, as many times as I’ve stopped myself, as many times as I’ve convinced the both of us that it would honestly, one day be alright, I… I didn’t know what to do. “…I’m… I’m sorry… I’m so sorry…” Her fingers gingerly tugged at my shirt as she hugged me back. “…It’s not your fault. I…” Her voice had cracked. “…Want to know a secret?” She asked, pulled away a bit- but only to move closer to my ear. “…You’re absolutely right and you’re the first person to do so. I know I sound like some generic teenager but I… I really-“  
“You don’t have to tell me, it’s okay…” I knew where she was coming from. There was something _wrong_ and you wanted to tell someone, but you just…. couldn’t. “Well, as per keeping your secret how about I tell you one of mine? Your little evaluation was spot on too.” She laughed a little, trying to stop crying still. I put either side of her face in my hands looking her in the eyes, wiping her tears with my thumbs.

She was so pretty… A girl this pretty shouldn’t be crying over being this lonely.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> End A/N: I’m sorry I haven’t updated in a while guys, lots of personal issues and sobbing and angst over here…  
> And you guys have no idea how many times I thought about dropping Roxas out of the trees- but I figured I’d give him a break. Lol  
> Ever hear of an anime called Soul Eater? Episode 49, Soul plays the piano during the Kishin Battle Sequence, and it was very angry and lots of piano key banging, but it also made lots of lovely, eager, rapid paced music- the one with no fuckin’ name?! Yeah, that one? Roxas played something similar. The second thing he played without realizing it was “Genesis” (track two) from the Homestuck album, Sburb.  
> The song in the car was “You Found Me” by the Fray.  
> ...I ship RokuNami so hard you have no idea- but no worries. Their relationship develops differently than Roxas and Axel's, so no worrisome love triangle there.


	12. Call Me Mr. Temperamental-Cellophane-Relationship

Chapter XI: Call Me Mr. Temperamental-Cellophane-Relationship

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

…Sometimes, having siblings can be the worst thing in the world. Sometimes they get things that you don’t. Sometimes they touch your things and get away with it. Sometimes they treat you terribly and then ten minutes later you’re both watching TV together like it never happened. Sometimes you don’t even know you have them or who they are. Sometimes this is true, even if you live with them. Sometimes you sit there, wondering what it would be like if they never existed… Then they do something that makes you wish that you’d always be stuck together. ...Even if ten minutes later you’re fighting over something stupid again.

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

After we were done listening to upsetting music and crying like angst ridden teenagers out of terrible romance novels, we changed the music, finished cleaning, and ate more prototype cake to our enjoyment, making casual talk with a kind of… I don’t want to say tense mood. It was more like… Fragile. There was something in the air that was fragile. Neither one of us wanted to say something to hurt the other, so our conversation was awkward and tiptoeing around each other- even when we were laughing about things, we could both kind of tell that it was out of nervousness- like hearing a joke about something that had happened to you once and you just laugh so hard because god you were fucking stupid…

And that in its own had us both relaxing a bit more and singing to songs that we both apparently knew and I basically had to beg, but I coaxed her into dancing with me like a dork, nothing serious, with a couple of partner spins- I wasn’t exempt from those, but I didn’t mind because it had her giggling up a storm and it was wonderful to make her so happy- and some other messing around activities that were used for nothing but passing the time until Marluxia got back.

When he got back, she was sitting on a counter with me leaning my back against it to her right and we were both full of cake with mugs of mostly whipped cream with a minimal amount of coffee with two-thirds creamer in our hands while sporting laughing fits while hitting off key notes on a song. “GAL I ADOUR YOURA EVERE WUURRRRRRRRD~” I howled at her, the music much louder than it should have been considering the time. “AND I WANNA MAKE YOU MAHHHHAHHHHAAHIIIIINEEE~!” She croaked back with dramatic hand motions of a pop icon, our voices starting to get sore and the sugar highs making us not ashamed to continue in spite of that. “AND I HAAAAAVE NOOOO CLLUUUE WHAT HEEEEE SIIIIIIIIIIIIINGS HEEEERE~!” I howled at her, making her giggle to the point where she chortled and covered her mouth and continued snickering at me, making me laugh at her in turn. Marluxia kept his entrance quiet, but was smiling at us none the less in a discreet manner as he wandered into his office and lowered the volume. “Hey!” Naminé wined, jumping off of the counter, her tone unable to be serious because it held residual laughter.

“This is a café, not a club, sweetheart.” He replied, coming back out and casually stoking her hair as walked past her and he poked his head into the back, nodding. “Alright would you like a ride home, Roxas?” I nodded. “Please.” I did not feel like calling her right now… Marluxia replied with a, “I just need to grab something from the office.” and left us alone again. I looked over at her, downing the rest of her whipped cream and creamer coffee and smile. “…I’m gonna wanna shoot myself tomorrow considering how late it is right now, but I don’t think I care that much.” She licked her lips, looking into the bottom of her cup. “…Me neither.” She replied, flashing me a smile. “Even if I do get yelled at in school for falling asleep a bit.” She said with a weak laugh. “Speaking of, do you mind me asking what one you go to? I don’t think I’ve ever seen you at mine.” She shook her head. “Oh I doubt it- unless you’re secretly a girl, because my school is an all-girl prep school.” She looked at me for a second and I flashed her my best Sailor Moon pose- that got her laughing again, if not a bit tired compared to the rest, and I returned the sentiment. “So, s’it suck?” I asked her. She shook her head. “I don’t think so- I like it. I don’t have to really worry about boys trying to mess with me, and a lot of the girls are really nice to me- oh and our art club has _wonderful_ supplies.” She added, almost looking dreamy. “…I’m not much for drawing- my sketch book is actually really kind of shameful- but I can make pretty decent 3D looking paintings and can take some really good photography!” She said, enthusiastically.

“That’s cool- you should show me sometime.” I said, giving her a smile, which was returned with a blush. “…O-Okay… If we have another exposé or something, I’ll save you a ticket.” And with that our conversation was cut short by Marluxia coming back out of his office and saying something snarky to us that I didn’t quite catch while Naminé was quick to retort to, putting our mugs in the sink for tomorrow, following after him, making me follow her in turn. He waited by the door, holding it open for us, and turned off the lights and locked the door. “…We should be getting more staff soon so you both won’t feel so overwhelmed.” Naminé pressed all of her fingers together. “Is that why you had to leave today?” Marluxia nodded and headed to his car. “We should be getting another cook and waiter- but you still have reign over the desserts for the most part. They’ll just be making what you’d like.” Naminé flashed him a warm smile that radiated something I couldn’t place exactly... “…Thank you.” The tone of her voice was so warm that it caused him to look over his shoulder at her for a moment and sigh, pulling her into a hug that seemed to confuse her for a second before she hugged him back, making me feel as though I was intruding on something, but I wasn’t sure what…

He pulled away and unlocked the car, adding, “I don’t know why you have to go and give me a reaction like that. I know it means a lot to you- even if you don’t feel like saying it out loud; I can tell by how many prototypes you make and how many of those get through your own personal high standards for what you’d think would be appropriate for the café.” She fumbled with the hem of her skirt and scurried into the car, me getting in after her and closing the door a bit harder than I meant to. He started up the car and asked me where I lived, Naminé all the while feeling flustered over what I’m assuming was a sort of complicated compliment to her.

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

…School is a piece of shit designed to kill the youth of every country. I decided that Monday. I had the worst time getting up in the morning, passed out in almost all of my classes, Axel only making me more agitated, and the second I got home I did the dishes so quick I wasn’t even sure if it was done right and passed out, potentially mumbling something about not waking me until Spring as well as not holding dinner for me if I was still passed out by then. Sora cracked a not-so-subtle dirty joke about me with either Axel and/or Naminé and/or Marluxia, him personally betting on all three considering how tired I was- and I threw my hair brush at him with deadly accuracy from the top of the stairs as he started screaming about how I probably gave him a bloody nose. Good- ya little shit… I slept until my alarm went off again for school the next day and I was still ready to keel over.

By Tuesday, I sat up and sneezed with a massive amount of snot, a clogged head, sore throat, and sore body along with the realization I caught a cold.

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

“…So anyways, we have a meeting Friday an-“  
“…Axel...” I said, raising my head off of the desk with a sniff. “For the love of god if you don’t shut the hell up I will shove my foot so far up your ass that the rest will be some kind of innuendo that is completely and utterly disgusting that you’d manage to get off on that I can’t think of right now.” He raised an eyebrow. “Ho?” …I numbly blinked at him and sniffed. He sighed and mused my hair- then he stopped, hand still resting on my head. He ruffled it. Hand still resting on my head. He did it again. “…FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WHAT!?” I croaked at him, making him quickly swipe his hand away. “Okay there you are I was getting worried!” I raised an eyebrow. “…Huh?” He knitted his brows like he was worried. “…Well you didn’t swat at me like you normally do.” I just blinked at him then put my head down. “Ah! Roxas wait no don’t die yet! I haven’t even had your babi-“  
“If you finish that sentence…”

…He stopped and honestly looked a bit frightened as I peeked my eyes out from under my arms to threaten him. He sighed again after a moment of tension. “…I’ll bring you something good to eat tomorrow.” He promised. He had yet to ask me outright if I was sick, but all morning he had been pestering me and testing me- so he knew, he just hadn’t ask yet. I numbly mumbled a thank you and stayed like that until the teacher came in to start the class; He was sure to make sure I remained awake throughout the class by poking me or passing me notes if he noticed me dozing or talking to me any second he got that wouldn’t get him in trouble.

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

During lunch, I laid down and put my head down on the cold floor- which was promptly lifted and put onto something warmer. “…When I’m betting I get to treat you like a human punching bag.” He laughed a little and knotted his fingers in my hair. “Woah, Roxas you okay?” I heard the only girl who would probably ever randomly talk to me in such a casual manner. “He’s sick.” Sora told Kairi. “Aw. Poor thing- I’ve got some Advil or cough drops in my bag if you want them.” I instantly had my hand out and prompted for her to place the drugs in them. She let out a slight laugh at how quickly I had done that and rummaged for them and gave me six cough drops and two Advil pills. If I remember right, Riku referred to it as her “Magical Girl Pouch”; He swore she sold her soul in order to always have what people needed in that thing. “I’ll see if I can steal you an extra milk drink when I come back.” Sora promised, getting up with Riku to wait in the horrendous line. “…Don’t bother I think I’ll just go buy a water…” I mumbled, sitting up and looking dazed, shoving the cough drops into my pocket.

“Oh, no!” Kairi said, pressing my head back down onto Axel’s lap, making him snort as he tried not to laugh. “You rest! I’ll get it, and don’t even _think_ of paying me back!” She threatened, getting up and dashing off to the nearest vending machine before I could even think to object. “…Remind you anyone?” Axel asked after a moment once she was gone as well as my brother and Riku. “…Yeah.” I mumbled into his lap. “…Don’t tell her I told you, but they’re related.” I looked up at him a bit too quick and brought on a headache. “Seriously? I mean, it’s actually really hard to tell- even if you’re looking! And even then, it’s in the tiniest details…” He nodded. “I agree. But even though they were really close, she doesn’t want to be like her at all… If anything, she thin-“

“Back!” She said, rounding the corner, cutting our conversation short. I’ve never been one to care about anyone else’s personal affairs, but… I was kind of interested in this. The only thing I really knew about her was that she was good at baking, was an artsy student, went to an all-girl school, and we had similar music tastes. I mean, I knew more about the dumbass I was laying on without my consent than I did about someone I kinda actually wanted to be friends with…

Kairi offered me a flavored water- the kind Sora would always buy. It personally wasn’t my favorite, but I wasn’t going to be rude about it. I mean, yeah she was around me a lot- but that was just because I was around Sora a lot. She didn’t really know my personal preferences, and when in doubt with twins, it’s normal for people to assume like she would. I wasn’t offended by it… I took it from her with a thank you and took the medicine she also gave me, then plopped my head back down on his lap and napped for the entirety of lunch, not bothering to eat anything.

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

I stared at the lunch he had brought me with my mouth twitching as he explained what was in the two canisters and small ice tote that he had presented to me at lunch. “It’s a spicy tomato soup with ginseng and some crackers. The second is a ginger tea with honey, and in here a frozen banana popsicle for dessert.” I didn’t know if I was flattered or gonna punch him for thinking so much of me. “…Roxas. Roxas tell me that he’s secretly your butler or cook or something because that looks _amazing_ ~!” Kairi cooed as she peered over my shoulder at it. Sora eagerly agreed with her and nodded fervently even though he already knew he could cook and that he wasn’t. He probably just was thinking of the last time Axel had made him something… “…Gotta admit, dude may be a pain in your ass, but looks like he can cook.” Riku added.

“…And I figured you’d all be drooling, so here.” He added, opening the ice tote and pulling out frozen bananas for each of them and tossing them each a bar of chocolate. …A thought came into my mind and I started laughing and couldn’t bring myself to stop chuckling as I slowly doubled over and held my stomach. Everyone looked at me confused. “…Did he snap?” Kairi asked, poking me. I numbly made a motion for her to stop with my hand while I kept laughing. “…Sora… Sora can’t eat that…” I managed with a chuckle, still laughing. He tipped his head confused at me. “Huh? Yeah I can!” I snorted and laughed harder. “Not… Not in front of Riku…” I managed before he got why I was laughing and flushed a bright red- Kairi busted out laughing with me.  
“Oh my god! Pfthahaha! If he can’t have it I want it! Ahahaha!” She covered her mouth with both hands as her shoulders shook, holding the banna by the stick that was in it. “Wait that means… Means Riku can’t either, oh god…!” Riku, who had been silent the entire time, just looked over at us all with a deadpan expression as he was into a good half of his banana, bit it and not making it sexual at all to our disappointment. I started chocking I was laughing so hard. “…S’what you get…” Sora mumbled, taking the plastic off of his banana and nibbling on it with a sour face. Kairi and I just kept laughing and coughing out lungs. Axel sighed and rubbed my back.

“Okay, enough sex jokes. You know Roxas is sick when…” He started. “He makes terrible innuendos.” Sora chimed in. “And can’t insult someone properly.” Riku added. “Oh, and isn’t such a sourpuss!” Kairi annexed, backing away from my swipe. “…And actually lets you cuddle him.” Axel finished, pulling me onto his lap and placing the canister into my hands. “Fuck you.” I stated harshly, but didn’t move. I was only mad because it was true. My head was like mush and I acted like I was five and laughed at anything and was too numb to fight anyone back. I sipped on the soup- least I think this one was the soup… And made a “bleugh” face like a spoiled kid. I didn’t mean it though- was actually really good and I liked spicy foods- Axel however, didn’t know that, so his first instinct was to freak the hell out. “…Shit tell me that you’re okay with spicy foods.” I shot Sora a look with a smirk. “Ah! Roxas you didn’t drink it did you!?” He asked, feigning sounding worried. Axel’s face paled. “Oh no! Roxas! What the hell! If you do that, your mouth is gonna so be on fire and oh no! Poor Roxas! Not like you asked for a ghost pepper for a present or anything one year! Ah! No, my poor twin! I’m all alone now!” He said, flopping over onto Riku, who just rolled his eyes as Axel relaxed.

“…I hate you two.” I chuckled and drank the soup, then the tea, then was sure to eat the banana using only my teeth. Sora however, being a big baby about how cold it was, had done exactly as I thought he would and I noticed Riku staring intensely at a wall, most likely trying not to watch. Kairi was eating everyone’s chocolate except Sora’s- who she still tried to harass for it. “No you’re gonna get fat!” He tried, and failed. Her expression was complete and utter hurt. “…Er, Kairi I mean… Um…”  
“…Sora you idiot! I mean god forbid girls who’s bodies are meant to store fat, _get fat_. Oh no! Rolly polly Kairi! Augh!” She rolled onto him, patting his face, with a wide smile, which made him relax. She had been kidding- Kairi could honestly care less, but she was still a girl, so sometimes Sora and Riku did worry about saying the wrong thing- but I think they kept forgetting they have a girl friend who’s just one of the guys- not to say Kairi was a boy. Oh no. Most definitely female. If anything, sometimes I wondered if her boys were just girls…

Still, lunch was spent eating food meant specifically to make me feel better, and thinking about that made me kind of embarrassed… I watched my brother and his friends mess around like they normally did, Riku and him being an item not affecting their friendship at all aside from the occasional homo joke being thrown at them- and which they took pretty well. I guess… The only thing that had changed with them was what they did when they were alone. The relationship the three of them had… It was envious…

I felt someone burry their chin in my shoulder, making all of the hairs on the back of my neck stand up. I felt his mouth by my ear- as if he was going to say something… But then stopped and pulled himself away. “…Was it good?” …He had wanted to say something else, but he hadn’t… What was it…? “…It was. Thanks…” I mumbled. He flashed me a smile. “Well I’m glad. I like making food with someone in particular in mind. If you ever want anything specific, let me know.” I nodded, fidgeting a bit in his lap. “…Well what are you gonna do then? Huh? Huh?”  
“Shut up I don’t know!”  
“Well, if you two are like you always are, I’ll catch you both doing absolutely _nothing_ per your usual.”  
“Nuh-uh!”  
“Yeah! We do to do things when we slack off!”  
“ _Kairi_! You just admitted we slack off- ah!”  
“See, one of the best things about being friends with idiots like you is that you tell on yourselves.”  
“Hey!” “Hey!”  
I caught myself smiling at them. …It sucked. Not being close with people like that. But… One of the good things about being brothers with Sora is that I at least got to watch moments like this. Yeah, sometimes I’d think about it and get this hole in my chest that would make me just want to go to bed before feeling anything else, but… In order to have a friendship like that… You needed years. Years I was lacking at this point… I felt a thumb rub over my side.

…Sure I didn’t have years, but I had an idiot who liked to wedge himself where he didn’t belong, and I guess that was just as good as the best of what someone like me could get.

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

By Friday, I was being dragged to the room where I had to do the whole “index card” bullshit with the other members that one day. “…So, you finally decided to shut the hell up and come along and join the occult group that murders your fellow classmates like an episode of Dangan Ronpa?” I was asked by a snarky blonde sitting on a desk. “…Only if you’re first.” I replied with a smirk. Larxene glared at me, then it slowly melted into a smile. “I like him.” Axel dragged me over to a desk that I sat on, him sitting on the actual desk and placing some food in a napkin my lap- he’d been doing it since Wednesday. This time it was banana bread. “…I knew you were planning to eat me. This week proves it.”  
“…Well I can’t have my meal feeling all sickly, can I?” He asked. I rolled my eyes and leaned back in order to crush him- but only to have it fail and have him wrap his arms around me, so I settled for an elbowing to the ribs- making him groan in pain and let go as I munched on the snack he had presented again. “Axel, no one wants to watch your public display of exhibitionism with someone whom you want to clearly fuck into a wall.”

“...I’m not even going to say anything. Just go back to reading your porn.” I retorted snarkily to Zexion as I nodded to his book, this one being different from the last one I’d seen him with. He narrowed his eyes at me and opened his mouth to reply- but was cut short and let out a yelp as a palm ran up his spine. “Zexy, please be nice to him.” Marluxia casually said, wandering into the room and taking a seat. He flushed and looked away, probably devoid of all insult after that. I didn’t want to know. Nope. Mental images stay awaaaaaay… _Thank_ you. I felt someone reach over my shoulder and take a piece of my bread.“He’s sick.”  
“I’m sick.”

Axel and I both said in unison, making Demyx freeze. I opened my palm and he put it back. I guess I didn’t really notice it until he did that, but I was comfortable enough with them all now to make comments directly to them if nothing more. After a while, those who were supposed to be here from my guessing were here and Mr. Xemnas got up to the front of the room and everyone was instantly quiet- power like that was scary… Yeah, you think hoards of cheering people for someone was scary, but it was worse when, with one single motion, they all were silent. I got the feeling that he was the kind of person who had power like this…

“Friends,” He started, reminding us that that’s currently what we were all supposed to be, despite some arguing. “As you know, in a little more than two weeks, it will be the 31st, making it a Holiday during a school day.”  
“ _Again_.” Demyx said in a dejected tone. “…Yes. Regardless of it allowing how many hours it allows you to spend _tormenting people_ ,” He said, narrowing his eyes at him, gaining a weak laugh. “We are usually the ones entrusted with making the school’s haunted house. I would love to hear ideas from every membe-“ A hand was raised. “ _after_ I am done-“ It was lowered. “member, no idea will be ridiculed, and even if it goes unused, it may prompt another for someone else that will end up being used. Axel?”  
“Yo!” He called, poking his head out from behind me. “Since you seemed to be so attached to our new member,” Snickering. “would you please explain to him how we usually work for events such as this one?”  
“’Kay.” He said, flashing him a thumbs up from above my head. I tossed a piece of bread behind me that landed in his hair. “Feel free to start talking amongst yourselves for now before we start the group discussion.” And with that, everyone was talking.

“Alright, so,” Axel started, turning the entire desk around. “We usually discuss theme, then from that, what we’d need, the kind of music we want since the cliché stuff is really annoying and isn’t even scary anymore, how much that would be in terms of our budget, who’s going out to get it and when, and how much entry fees should be depending on how much we spent on it. Xemnas is usually pretty thorough on these kinds of things. So for now, we’re kind of just bouncing ideas off of one another for theme.” I nodded. “Okay.”

“CANIBALISM!” Was shouted from across the room. “For the love of _god_ Larxene, no! We said no last year too! It would cost too much and would be a pain to clean!” She slumped down in her chair. “…You guys suck.” There was a sigh. “If she’s willing to pay for all of the fake blood as well as make the corpses she so desires, then let her.” That one science teacher… What was his name… Mr. Vexen? Yeah. “…Nah, I’m broke. Next!”  
“Well, why not do like a slasher type thing?” Demyx offered. “I feel like that’s too cliché.” Zexion interjected, not looking up from his book. “No, not if you do it correctly. There are a number of ways that could work- I mean, think about it. You have one guy in the school who could jump out from anywhere and scare the shit out of you.”  
“Yes, but then think about the fact that if they never get jumped at or missed. This would also have us running around the school- it’s too disorganized.” He added to his argument. “Well then what if we have like set themes for each room for the slasher? Like a story-line?” Axel added from behind me. “Corpse Party.” I more or less coughed. Zexion looked up from his book at me along with Axel. “…What?” He closed it. “How in the world did the words “theme for each room” make you think of a party for dead people?” I shook my head, waving my hands in front of myself. “No, no. It’s a game series.”  
“Oh! You’ve played it to?” Larxene asked me, getting excited. “Yeah- I’m pissed about the new one being on the Vita though- don’t have one…” She smiled devilishly at me. “Well if you’re a good boy, I’ll let you borrow mine so long as you basically make me a walkthough~” I chuckled at her. “Alright, deal.”

“To.Pic.” Zexion interjected. “No, I think that would actually be a cool house idea. Like he said, each room kinda has its own theme if you’re going from the original or remake PC game or Blood Covered. Book of Shadows kinda does to, it’s just different from the originals. But like, the infirmary has a ghost in it that locks this one lesbian’s friend in with hair. The bathrooms are where characters always die and shit. And the music and art rooms are creepy as shit- but the best part is that it’s in a school! Oh and already has a soundtrack we can use.” She added, almost as if that part was a footnote. “Plus, if people have heard of it, how fucking psyched and scared shitless would you be if you got to experience if yourself?” She said, clearly getting excited and wanting this idea. “Like the entrance fee could be traded for a Sachiko charm you do before entering.” She nodded, eagerly. “Right?! Oh man I’d be ready to piss myself just thinking about it- ah shit and dress Naminé up like Sachiko!”

“…Well I’ve never played it, so how would we know if we were doing it accurately or not?” Marluxia added. So far, that was the only objection we were getting. “If you want we can watch “Let’s Plays” for the PSP version or we can have either me or Larxene play it and have it projected on a monitor for the PC version.”  
“That could take a while though…” Zexion added, putting his knuckles to his chin. “If we’re not all free to do this, then we can assign it like homework to get up to specific parts.” He offered. “Aw, don’t word it like that…! You take the fun out of it!” Demyx pouted. “And that’s also too much time to invest in an idea that we all don’t officially agree on since we don’t really know what it is.” Larxene got up out of her chair. “Come on Roxas, we’re gonna reenact the game in five minutes. Let’s go.” I got up. “I’m not being Yuka.” She looked around the room and took Axel’s bag. “Got Yuka.”

“Hey!”  
“Okay I’m Sachiko, Morishige, that one lesbian, The one banaza psychic chick, the dead occult chick, and the bag is Yuka … Meaning you’re Satoshi, the lesbians love interest, the psychic chicks bf, that one dead chick that got splattered, and that one crazy bitch who kills all of his friends. Alright let’s do this!” Demyx got up and stood between us. “Aaaaaaaanddd… Go!” Then ran back to his seat.

Larxene ran over and turned off the lights. “Ohoohoho, scary story time, dead teacher fell and haunts the hallways!”  
“GYA! Oh my god so scared!” She turned on the lights as I ran over to the doorway, “Ohohoho, teacher scared the students, ahehehe, so funny.” then dropped in front of the door. “Oh my god, shitily scared main character! Oh no! Someone help him!” Larxene took Axel’s bag and tossed it out in the hallway. “Sister has brought me umbrella.” I said, hugging the bag. “Chick who gets splattered is moving away, let’s do some demonic charm I found on the internet, yea!” I rummaged through Axel’s bag and pulled out a piece of paper and stood up, Larxene taking an end of it. “Sachiko we beg of you.”  
“Sachiko we beg of you.” We both chanted in demonic tones, then ripped the paper and feigned screaming and fell on our asses. “Oh no! Stuck in school! It’s my worst nightmare!” She screamed, clawing at the walls. “Oh shit, gotta be the brave main character or else shits gonna go down. Everyone is separated, oh noes!” Larxene kicked the back over to my legs, putting her hand over her mouth and going “Ah! Big brother! Big brother help mes! So cared! Big brother!”  
“It’s okay Yu-“  
“Big brother! Big brother!” I paused, waiting until she was done. “It’s oka-“  
“Big brother!” She interrupted again. “…Ok-“  
“Big Brother!” I attempted a glare while laughing at her. “AH GHOST!”  
“Don’t die big brother! Please don’t! Without you, no one in this franchise loves me!” I tried my best not to laugh too hard. “Ohmigawd big brother! Big brother! Big bro-“  
“Wat?”  
“…I gotta pee pee…”  
“Well then go piss!”  
“…No! I wanna use a damn toilet!”  
“Fine! Let’s go find a toilet!” I yelled at the bag, wandering around the room with it. “…I gotta pisssssssssss big brother!”  
“Shut the fuck up holy shit I’m looking!”  
“Big brotheeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrrrrr! The toilet doesn’t exist here!”  
“Well shit! Let’s go look somewhere else- oh look a new part of the school is open.”  
“Butai schtill gotsta piss!”  
“Well go outside, holy fuck we can go there now you know!”  
“Big bruuuuuuuuuuuuutheuuuuuuuuuuuurrrrrrr!”  
“Go pee!”  
“Fine!” There was a pause. “…AH SHIT I CAN’T PEE IT’S A GHOST- OH MY GOD WHERE IS MY BROTHER!?!?!? AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA…” She took a gasp of air. “…AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA…!” I laughed at her. “Oh look a hot boy who wants to be my brother! I’ll go with him like a fucking idiot!” She kicked the bag after me as I stated walking, then picked it up and started coddling it. “Ohhohoohhohohoo yesssssssssss~ My little sister it will be okaaaaaaaaaaaaay~” Larxene couldn’t hold in her laughter as she took a minute to catch her breath. “AH! NO BIG BROTHER!” I tossed the bag up in the air and kicked it across the room. “…I FINALLY GOTTA GO PEE!” She picked up the back and waddled it away from me, then tossed it back at me. “Oh look, with her real big brother aga-“  
“Big brooooooooootherrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!” She interrupted. I was gonna punch her but I was too busy laughing. “Hey look! While you finally managed to go pee, I found my girlfriend who was some lesbians girlfriend but she isn’t here anymore! Oh my god look! More people we know! Let’s try to meet up!”  
“Big bruuuuuuuuuuthuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurrr…! I’m jealous of dis bitch!”  
“You and that other chick what the fuck I feel bad! The dude with her can’t get any, god DAMN!”  
“Lets go wander around and go to the bathroom again!”  
“Wait are we mixing games?”  
“Probably. AHHHHHHHHH WE ALMOST DYIED! BIG BROTHER!”  
“WHAT THE HELL OUT OF THE BATHROO- oh look, hallway. Oh look, creepy music room. Oh look piano, play it.” I played an invisible piano. “Boom, pathway lit by ghosts!” She said, running a diagonal across the floor. “Oh look! We’re with people we actually know now! Woot, let’s get the hell out!”  
“Next!”

“Kya! non-lesbian friend of the lesbian, help me!” She said, clinging to me, and I clung back. “Alright. First I gotta piss!” We both clung to one another as we wandered to the other end of the room. “Okay using the toilet.” We both wandered back to the other end of the room. “AH shit ma ankle!” I yelled, falling down. “Oh no!” she called in a deep voice, picking me up and placing me on a desk- she was pretty tough for a girl…  
“Stay here, all by yourself in the infirmary! I’ll be back!” She ran out of the room. I got up, then started chocking. “Oh shit… Hair! Fuck is this?!” I flicked both of my thumbs like you would a lighter. “Set it on fia, promptly exits, vomits, cries.” Larxene ran back in. “Oh ma gawd my poor babu!”  
“No fuck you! I’m not a lesbian!”  
“…What? NOOOOOOOO!” She ran out of the room again. “Shit wait no I didn’t mean that- it was the haaaaaaaaaaaair!” I called after her, running out of the room. She came back in and made a hanging motion with her hand as she choke and gagged. I ran in. “Aw shit!” I ran back out, grabbing Axel’s bag and ran back in, throwing it in the ground. “Yuka is currently playing the role of a bucket.” I stated in a narrator tone while Larxene stopped pretending to die and gave a thumbs up. I stood on it, and fell, Larxene gagged some more then stopped. “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”

“Next!” She called, getting up. “humbmaamamamammmaamamammamaamI’mpossedohshit!” I hugged her head. “Shhh, baby is okay I’m here. I’m not the man you want, but I’m here.”  
“Oh look at that, all better~!” She said, clinging to me. “Okay lets go wander around and try to find shit- emgrjtglnfkfmrdg;l I’m possessed agaaaaaaaaaaaain!” I patted her on the head. “Oh! Shit not better!” She ran out into the hallway. “Oh noes, must go after her- ah shit dead child ghost, fuck her! Let’s mess with some shit for a while- okay now let’s save her!” She ran back over and clung to my knees. “SOB!” I tried to move with her clinging to me, pointing ahead as if to show the way. “Oh look, people we know!”  
“Oh look! Dead chick I got the charm from! Well shit!” She said, making an “oh well” gesture with a derpy smile on her face. “Oh look, our friends! Let’s go meet up and get the fuck out of here!” I grabbed her hand and ran her over to the other end of the room. “Look! An incinerator! Let’s go in it and hope we don’t die!”  
“OKAY!” She held my hand as we skipped across the room and then stoped. “Oh look, people we actually know in person! Let’s get the fuck out! Oh wait- we gotta do other shit with a dead body! Friohjgjjgfdjfjernfjwengw!!!” She said, ranting mumbo jumbo, while I waved my hands in a magical motion beneath her. “BOOM COUNT DOWN LETS RUN!” She grabbed my hand and ran out of the room.

…We didn’t come back for a good minute.

She poked her head back in. “Here’s the best part: MAYUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!” I ran back in and over to a wall and pinned myself against it with my tongue sticking out while she ran in yelling, “MAYUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU- oh look a dead body let’s take pictures with my phone! MAYUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!” She ran back out of the rooom, then came back in and sat down. “looks at dead bodies, dead bodies…”  
“…Don’t look at my insides. That’s so gross and perverted. Sthap that.” I whispered behind her, but loud enough so everyone could hear. “…SHIT MAYUUUUUUUUUUUU!” She pretended to dive out of the window. “…And game!” She said the way someone would say “and scene”, taking my hand and bowing with me. Axel and Demyx had been laughing their asses off at our performance, Marluxia and Mr. Vexen trying to hold it in while Zexion and Mr. Lexaeus didn’t look amused at all, Mr. Xemnas just smiling and chucking on occasion thought the entire act, but clapped when we were done.

“…I don’t see how we were supposed to make _that_ scary.” Zexion said with a sigh as he opened his book back up. “…Well it was. You just pissed and moaned that no one knew what it was about so we had to tell you.” Larxene said, yanking his book away. “What’s your nightmare- a world without libraries? What is this even on that always has your attention anyways?” She asked, narrowing her eyes at it. He snatched it back from her. “None of your business.” I sat back down in my spot while Axel kneaded my shoulder. “Nice show.” I chuckled a little, a bit out of breath. “Thanks.”

“…Well, based on that… _Performance_ ,” Mr. Xemnas said with a slight smile. “Who would be willing to play or watch one of the games by show of hands?” Demyx, Axel, Marluxia, Saïx, Mr. Vexen even offered a hand, and even Zexion sighed but raised his hand. “ _Only_ because I _doubt_ it was that horrible- and you both admitted to mixing games.” He nodded, counting them in his head, Larxene and I already accounted for as an obvious. “…Alright then. I’d prefer if we were all finished watching or playing the game by the end of the week. First and foremost, which version considering there were two. The names of bother versions as well as platforms?” He asked, wanting an answer from either me or Larxene. “They’re both just Corpse Party to me, so Roxas better know.”  
“…Corpse Party: Blood Covered is the PSP version, and the computer version that I managed to find is Corpse Party PC-98. I’m pretty sure there’s one before that, but it’s almost impossible to find yet alone download to play.” He nodded. “Which version would everyone prefer? Show of hands for the computer version.” Demyx, Mr. Vexen, and Mr. Lexaeus . He nodded. “Alright then. The second version it is. Assume not everyone has one, we will watch the game. However, if you do have a system to play this on, I’m sure there are version they can download?” Larxene and I nodded. “S’how I got mine.” I actually bought mine, but I did download the second one…

“Alright. We will select a video version to watch together and I will send it to all of your emails. For those of you who have a system, I will have Larxene send you a copy of her file-“  
“And instructions on how to hack your system to get it to play.” She added. “And instructions on getting it to work.” He let her have a go at the computer as she found a Let’s Play for the PSP version and sent it to everyone through Mr. Xemnas’ email considering he was already logged in. “Have fun, bitches.” She said, getting up and wandering back over to her seat. “If you wanna play it, message me on the site, I’ll link you.” I looked over my shoulder to Axel. “Site?” He nodded. “We have a website, and a page on the school one linking it, but you need a password, so not anyone can just get in and do as they want. The page on the school website is free game though. I or Marly can show you later if you want.” I nodded. “Okay.” Either one showing me would be fine by me. I coughed a bit and Axel gave me a bit of an unsettled look. “…Rest this weekend, alright?” I shook my head. “Can’t. Work.” He sighed, annoyed.

“…Marly, don’t run Roxy into the ground this weekend please! My poor baby is sick!” He said, coddling my middle- I ended up elbowing his head.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> End A/N: Song: “This Song Is A Guilty Pleasure (And So Are You)” by Monomate.  
> …And honestly, I love the Corpse Party franchise even though Roxas and Larxene basically made fun light of it. I actually did the charm with some of my friends- the RIGHT way, so we’re all alive. Not typing this out from the depths of school hell. lol


	13. Hellos Are The Start of Goodbyes

Chapter XII: Hello’s Are The Start of Goodbyes

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

…Hello’s are hard. They’re worse than goodbyes. Goodbyes can be sudden and brief, or full of tears and anxiety, or full of happiness and a feeling of freedom, or any range of emotions. Regardless, you know that eventually, they’re going to have to come along. They’re going to come, and there’s potential you may never see that person again. You may never get to go out somewhere with them, or have a casual conversation, or see their faces, or have them there when one is upset for the other to comfort. You may never have to deal with their shit or lie to them about how positive you think something is, or have to be with them in general. Goodbyes are… They’re the most awful things in the world, or they can be the most wonderful thing in the world- and it all starts with a simple “Hello”- no matter how you say it. “Heya”, “Hi”, “Sup”, “Nice to meet you”- they all end the same- without that person by your side anymore.

And regardless if you liked them or not… It’s very, very painful because suddenly something is missing and you need to adjust to that emptiness.

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

…Password. Password, password, password… Hn… I have no idea. I felt someone rest their chin on my shoulder and bounce it as they asked, “What cha’doin’?” I sighed. “Group project thing.” He gaped at me. “So you _did_ join that weird group Axel was in!” He accused, removing himself from me and pointing a finger at me. “N-No… N… No… Ye- No!” I denied, not sure if I had or hadn’t yet. I mean, I was participating, even if I was being dragged along in order to do so… I wasn’t sure myself, but they didn’t seem too horribly bad… Then again, I was doing this outside of school of my own accord… Ugh! Fuck them! The password was stupid too! Neither Marluxia nor Axel would tell me what it was!

I glared at the screen while my computer screen was all black with white words, reading “ _Who are You_?”, my typesetter flashing at me to answer it again, below the box, the words, “ _Incorrect_ ” flashing. I tried another name of a member, getting the same thing, but a new notice appearing under the “ _Incorrect_ ”. “ _Hint: We go by IP address; we know who you are, therefore your question and answer is different based on Who You Are._ ” Sora looked at the screen and blinked. “…That’s kind of creepy. Yup. Congrats Roxas. You’re with the freaky crowed.” I glared at him while he casually walked out of the room. “I’m getting a snack- want one?” He asked while walking out. “Yeah!” I called after him. “Kay!” He replied, even though he was completely gone from view. I sighed and tried again. Nothing. Again. “ _You have been removed from the server for ten minutes._ ” I groaned and banged my head on the desk, then pulled out my phone and dual messaged Marluxia and Axel. “ _Give me a hint!”_ Both of them replied exactly the same, a curt, “ _no.”_ …Assholes.

I tried Axel again. “ _Please! You wanted me to be interested right? Well, I’m interested and if you want me to stay that way, /give. Me. A. HINT/!_ ” There wasn’t a reply for a good while and Sora came up with some éclairs. “…Mom bought them and said we could have them.” I looked at them questionably, and then up at him. “…I asked her for some a while ago.” I nodded in understanding and took one from the plate he had gotten for me with a few on them. I let part of it just sit there for a moment while I waited for Axel to reply, the pastry part getting warm, the cream inside falling through it while the chocolate topping melted. “ _…Fine: If *nothing* is wrong with you, then who/what are you?_ ” I read the text a total of six times. …Great. Referencing my answer from before. Cute. Thanks a lot asshole.

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

“Password?” Naminé repeated, tipping her head. “Yeah. It’s for the site and no one will tell me. I figured since you’re kind of in the group but in a different school, you may have an idea…” She hummed, looking around nervously… “U-Um… Well I _do_ have one, but-“  
“You do!? Awesome! Please help me out!” I asked, grabbing her in my excitement. She gently pushed me away. “ _But_ , even if I could, I can’t.” I looked at her confused. “…Your password question and answer are based on what you put on your index card that one day for initiation. I couldn’t find mine out for a good three weeks, but once you get it you kind of feel dumb since it becomes so obvious… But, there is kind of a time-limit on it…”

“A… Time limit? Well, that means I at least have three weeks right?” She shook her head as she picked up one of those things you use to squeeze icing onto cakes and started using it on a plain, round cake, a faint yellow coming out. “No, I mean… Literally, everyone who tries to hack into the site’s only chance is when we get a new member and by guessing their password- trust me, so people who don’t get in hold grudges because we do a lot of interesting things.” She put it down and picked up an orange colored frosting squeezed thing. “If someone can guess your password before you, then you don’t have access to the site since, like it mentions, it goes by IP address. We all have ways of confirming if it’s you or not, and if it isn’t, that question gets blocked from then on so they can’t keep accessing it and you don’t get a new question or answer set because the original was so personal for you… It’s an invasion of privacy to you.” She set it down and washed her hands, then started cutting strawberries.

“…Well what happens if like your computer gets fucked over?” She put the knife in the sink and started arranging the fruit on the cake. “Well, you have to go to Mr. Xemnas directly, and he’ll reset it for you, but you also have to re-answer your question on your new computer, and for it to register and things like that, it takes a good month or so… Ask Demyx- he’s on his third reset. But either way, you’d need to already know it for the reset to work.” She said with a slight smile, popping a leftover strawberry slice into her mouth. “…So, in short, you can’t help me out at all.” She shook her head. “I’m sorry.” I groaned and put my head down onto the counter. “Ah- Roxas don-…” I looked up at her confused and she pursed her lips in order to hold in a laugh. She took a nearby rag and wiped my forehead. “There was flour there, you know.” She said with a slight laugh. “Ah…! Sorry…” I mumbled.

“…So are you feeling any better?” She asked me while folding the rag and placing it on the drawer handle. “…Huh?” She picked up the cake and wandered out into the front with it. “…You got sick didn’t you?” She asked as she placed it in the display case, turning it ever so slightly to the left. “Ah…! Did you get sick too?” I asked, that coming to mind as to how she knew. She shook her head as she closed it. “No. Axel told Marluxia, who told me- that was yesterday.” Yesterday… He kinda said it out loud to him, huh? And he told Naminé right off the bat like that? Normally you’d at least wait until today instead of going the extra mile to tell her beforehand…  
“…You two are really close, huh?” Her face turned a bright shade of pink. “W-Where did that come from?” I shrugged, inspecting the French press. “I don’t know. You two just kind of have these conversations without addressing certain things directly, and he told you as soon as he found out I was sick, didn’t he? So, I’d say you two are close.” She fidgeted and wandered into the back and I followed a decent distance away. “…W-Well of course…!” She replied, clearly flustered. “I-I mean… We _do_ live together…!”

…My mind had gotten ten implications out of that and apparently they all showed on my face as she glanced up at me. “N-Not like that…! We’re related…! A-And I have some… _Issues_ at my actual house, so Marluxia let me stay with him… He’s like a big brother to me, s-so don’t get any funny ideas, alright!? B-Besides…! You go to school with him! You should know that he’s dating Zexion, s-so…!” She was getting so worked up that she was turned even more red. I felt kinda bad, and even worse because she was so cute when she was angry that I was trying not to laugh at her. “Alright, Okay I’m sorry, relax, alright?” I tried, stroking her hair twice while she only flushed harder. “I won’t pry if you don’t want me to- I get how much of a pain that can be…” I mumbled. “But, it’s nice to have someone you can be that close with, right?” She looked at me, with her blood not all congested into her face now, but still lingering a bit, and nodded. “Um…” She looked down at her shoes. “Hm?” She fidgeted a bit, pressing her toes together. “…You can stop petting me now…”

“Ah!” I removed my hand from her head. “S-S-Sorry…!” She looked up at me, just as flustered as she was, and couldn’t help but laugh at me. “…So, um…” She giggled at me again, still trying to recollect myself. “We’re supposed to meet the new waiter or waitress today and the potential cook tomorrow. Marluxia told me they’re good at pastries, but not sweet ones, so I have to help him or her out a bit.” She turned and started cleaning the mess she had made with the cake earlier. “How can you be good at pastries, but not sweet ones? Aren’t all pastries sweet?” Bad move. She stopped cleaning the counter. “…Ever have pigs in a blanket? Cheese puff pastries? Empanadas? Chicken-pot-pie? Non-sweet pastries that use the same things as desserts.” She said with a stern tone, pointing a large wooden spoon at me like it was a weapon. “…Alright, Rapunzel, simmer down, now.” I said, referencing a blonde heroine who threatened people with kitchenware. She looked down at the spoon and then laughed, putting it in the sink. “I’m sorry!”

I shook my head. “It’s fine- just uh, tell me where the lizard is before he jumps me.” She giggled, still cleaning. “Oh Pascal? He’s at home- and a snake…” She mumbled, glancing over at a wall as if she hadn’t said anything. “…A snake? Oh you’re shitting me. Yours or Marluxia’s?” She nibbled her bottom lip. “…Mine?” I threw my hands up in the hair. “I quit. _You_ have a _snake_?” She nodded, using a serving tray to cover part of her face. “He’s really sweet! His name is Nagai!” I imagined a small little snake hiding under a rock in its cage, coming out only when she would reach her hand into the cage and coil up to her. It was kinda cute thinking about it like that… “What kind is he?” I asked, relaxing more. “A Burmese Python.” …I think I was either gonna cry or shit myself- potentially both. This cute little blonde thing… Had a **_PYTHON_** for a pet?! Apparently, the fear showed on my face because she was quick to try to quell my doubts about it. “L-Like I said, he’s really sweet and is a great cuddle partner so long as he’s fed- N-Not that he’s tried to eat anyone- …Well except that one guy- but he worked at a meat factory!” She countered. “But he was still a baby then! He stopped growing, so he’s only sixteen feet- honest! AND I ONLY OVERFED HIM TWICE SO HE’S NOT FAT, OKAY?!” She started yelling.

“…Oh dear…” Marluxia sighed from the doorway. “…Did you ask her about the snake?” I nodded numbly, not sure what to do as she sat there panting, face bright red as she looked a bit dizzy. “…Nami…” Marluxia said, going over to her and kneeling in front of her, stroking her hair. “It’s alright… Relax. Deep breaths… There you go.” After a moment of getting her to calm down, she looked over at me with wide eyes. “…Do you think I’m weird…?” I opened my mouth to instantly reply with a “no”, but then the look on her face… For some reason, she had gotten really upset again over something I had no idea about… So I replied differently. “…So if cake goes missing do you blame the snake or do you have to cover the rat in frosting to get it to eat it?” She giggled a little, seeming to relax a bit. “If you’re weird, then _trust me_ , I’m right there with you.” She gave another giggle and a bashful smile. “…And actually we feed it rabbits- they’re already dead though.” …I wasn’t sure how to reply to that. Marluxia stood up, feeling as though she was calm enough to leave her for a bit.

“…You know the man in our group covered in scars with the eye patch? We ended up having a conversation one time about how he goes hunting. Because of that, on occasion, he’ll bring a rabbit or two for the snake to eat, so it’s grown pretty fond of them.” I nodded, not knowing how exactly to reply to that, so I didn’t. Marluxia left the room and turned the closed sign to open, Naminé quickly finishing picking up her mess while I helped her out since I had nothing else to do. She was good at cooking and cleaning up after herself, but the mess she made in between would drive my mother insane… “…I’m sorry I kind of freaked out earlier…” She eventually mumbled. “I’ve just had that snake for a long time, so he’s very precious to me… Marluxia gave him to me as a present on the first birthday I had while staying with him.” Oh… I can kinda see why she flipped out… But at the same time… “…Hey Naminé? Can I ask you something that may come off a bit as rude?”

She looked at me confused for a moment, but nodded. “…Do you have anxiety or something?” She just looked at me for a moment before leaving the kitchen. I felt bad about asking in the first place, and it had kind of just slipped… I wandered out after her, not making eye contact, doing any little thing that was left to prepare- but to my dismay, she had already had all of it covered so I was left fumbling with nothing. “…Yes.” I looked over at her, confused as to what she was “yes”ing to. “I’m sorry?” I asked, confused. She looked over at a wall. “…I have anxiety to the point where I need medication.” Oh… Now I really felt bad for asking… She leaned against the counter and kicked one of her legs. “…I mean, it’s not like I’m trying to keep it a secret or anything, but… It’s just embarrassing… I mean, when people think you have something like they, they assume you freak out over any and everything, but… It’s more like, there are triggers, and I become afraid to the point where it affects my ability to function properly.”

…I think there’s a time in everyone’s life when they think they have something wrong with them- like depression or something, but then you actually meet or talk to someone with it and… You just kind of feel stupid; I was currently feeling stupid, but at the same time, not really… “…So what do you have it over- s-so I can help if I can.” I offered, feeling like an ass for asking in the first place. “…Social things. I have issues talking to people properly and I get worked up when I have to do things I haven’t before on my own. …What about you?” I just looked at her, confused. Me what? Did she think…? “O-Oh no I-I don’t…!” She tipped her head and looked at me in an way that someone does when someone is trying to make an argument and has no idea what the hell they’re talking about. “…Really? Sorry for thinking you did… I mean… You just kinda… Come off like you might- or something similar...” There was an air of awkwardness right there, so I flailed around with my mouth and tried to fix it… “W-Well I mean I kind of think so too- but like I don’t…”  
“N-No it’s my fault for…”  
“…Dropping the conversation?”  
“Yes please…” Yeah and have mom flip shit on me over any and anything about it. Last thing I need is to bring it up to her and have her knock me out over it- and even if she didn’t, she might get angry at me to the point where she makes me take all of them at once or something… Or that could just be me being paranoid. Do I have paranoia…? This is why I have issues. I wouldn’t doubt that I have emotional issues- I wouldn’t. I just... Don’t want to confirm them until much, much later in my life… Still… She cleared her throat. “S-So… You excited to meet the new person?” She asked casually. “E’yup. You?” I asked, just as awkwardly casual as I could. “Completely.” …Then silence.

I put my hands to my face and started laughing. She was completely lost. “…My god we’re weird aren’t we?” I finally asked after a moment. She laughed in agreement for a moment and nodded. Marluxia poked his head out of the room after a moment. “Naminé? Do you have your music on you? It’s not in here. ” She gasped. “N-No! Oh I’m so sorry!” He sighed. “It’s fine I guess. …Roxas?” He offered. “…It’s not all like Naminé’s.” He waved me into his office. “We’ll filter it on the computer before hooking it up. Will you be alright on your own?” He asked, giving her a dubious look. She nodded, giving him a confident smile, but I noticed her clench her blouse top by her chest and promised myself I’d hurry up.

I offered opened up my bag that I had left in his office, pulling it out and offering it to him. “…She likes you a lot you know.” I looked up at him, not sure how to reply or if he meant in a girl-likes-boy way. He could apparently read my look pretty decently, and chuckled at me. “…I’m not going to assume in what way she likes you, but I thought I should tell you _I do_ notice that she is fond of you and quick to speak of you- in a good way of course.” He quickly corrected, hooking my mp3 player into his computer. “…So, which of these do you think would be café appropriate?” He asked, giving me a whimsical look- literally that’s the only word I can use. It was like, Cheshire cat smile with a subtle hint of Mad Hatter at its end as well as a glint of Rabbit mystery of “follow my lead” in his eyes. He was quick to drop me a line, and just as quick to pull it away before I decided to take a bite- almost testing me to see if I was going to actually bite or swim away.

…I bit. “…So, you just randomly wanted to tell me you think she likes me? That isn’t really the reason you dragged me off is it?” I asked, wiggling my way between him and the computer and picking tracks that would be appropriate or similar to what Naminé had playing. “…Somewhat.” He admitted. Not only did I bite, but I pulled hard on his reel since he was only leaving the line in the water for me. “So what’s the other part since it isn’t all of it?” I copied almost my entire Imogen Heap folder into the new one he had made. “…Well this is mostly just me and my curiosity, but it also relates to Axel.” I didn’t reply and kept selecting. He didn’t continue, so I prompted him. “…And?” There was a pause before he opened his mouth.  
“…You’ve spoken to him before haven’t you? I mean… It’s a little quirk of his you notice after being friends for a while, but he only gives nicknames to people he’s known for a while.” The track I just copied I actually wanted to play, I haven’t listened to it in a while… “…Well maybe we were friends in another life or something.” I replied, not looking at him. I couldn’t… That would require explaining that I didn’t want to do. He laughed at me. “Well then you two must have been particularly close.” I didn’t reply and finished sorting through my music that I had with me in silence.

“…Alright I’m don-“ There was yelling from outside of the room. Marluxia and I both rushed out of the door. “Y-You can’t do that!” Naminé called into the kitchen. She turned around to look at both of us, worried. “T-This girl just ran back there!” Marluxia and I darted into the kitchen, where this girl was rummaging through things. “…Hn… Ya know, you don’t really have things she’ll need to work with in here yet...” She said, putting herself on her tiptoes and opening a cupboard to examine the contents. Marluxia sighed and relaxed while I was still in panic mood. “W-Who is _she_?!” He walked over and pulled her out by her arm. “Your new workmate- please introduce yourself next time and don’t just wander in and freak all of us out.” He sounded tired. “Besides, you have no business back there.”

“Ah! Sorry, sorry! Was inspecting for her tomorrow! Name’s Rikku, I’m a college student! Hela dy saad lry! I’ll be working with you guys out on the floor!” She said, giving us both a wide smile with an interjection of “girl say what in foreign language now?” between it all. She had on a single, thick, brown glove like ones used in woodworking, a more or less see through, puffy, light brown half-shirt that hung off of her shoulder with an orange tank top underneath it. She was sporting shorts that were questionable in length, yet alone if they could actually qualify as shorts with tall, faded orange boots with mismatching colored laces of red and tan on one, and white and brown on the other. Her hair was a mess of either terribly done braids or thin dreadlocks, her bangs the only thing safe from the mess of feathers (mostly at the ends) with a headband with feathers in the shape of a flower close to her right ear.

Naminé was also staring at her outfit like she was something out of a fashion magazine- or more like a nonsensical comic book. “…I’m Roxas.” I introduced myself to her. She gave me a wide smile. “Heya, Roxas!” She said, trying my name out on her tongue and saying it with a slight accent of sorts, making it not really sound like my name. “Ah- I’m Naminé, nice to meet you!” Naminé said, bowing to her. “Aw, you’re so cute! I can’t believe I get ta work with a buncha cuties like you two! And not to mention Nillie coming in tomorrow too!” I looked at Marluxia, confused. “”Nillie”?” I questioned. What an odd name… “A friend of hers who will potentially be our second cook. They applied at the same time, hoping to work together. Her name is actually Vanille.” Well, she’s the second one who I’m aware of who loves to give out nicknames to people… “Welp, anywaysises~! I gets an outfit too right? Oh man I’ll have to take a picture for Yunie, she’s gonna _die_!” She squealed, running around and looking at everything.

…We all watched, and the only thing I could come up with to break the silence was, “…Well at least she’s interesting and lively.” Marluxia sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. “…I almost regret hiring her... But I can’t just simply turn her down because she’s “noisy”- sadly…” She turned around, and ran over to the display case, inspecting the desserts with wide eyes. “Hey, hey! So who made the cakes? Drao muug cu oisso~! Do I get to gets some on breaking time? Do I gotta pay?” Naminé laughed at her. “Actually, you do have to pay, but only because those are the ones for sale- however, I’ve currently been using Roxas and Marluxia as my guinea pigs for taste testing, but if you’d like you could-” She quickly grabbed up her hands. “Uwa! Can I, can I?! I’ll be the best and fattest guinea pig you ever done breed!” She said, pumping a fist in the air and raising her foot with it. Her speech was interesting to listen to if anything, but there were times when it showed broken English and slang like she understood it, then at the same time, inappropriate words or their correct placement or time or just wrong sounding all together.

“So um… Rikku. My brother has a friend with the same name as you.” She turned to me, tipping her head which made a feather rest on her shoulder. “Really? Bet’cha it’s spelled different! Dad is _terrible_ at spelling! It’s supposed to mean something else in Al Bhed, but he thought it would be cool to do it in another language, but since he messed it up… Ah well~! I’m an _original_ ~!” She quickly said, seeming to not really care much about it. “So um… You’re Al Bhed?” I asked, just to clarify. She nodded. “Yuppers! Anyways, I gets my lucdisa too right? I wanna puts it on so I can show Yunie!” She said, clearly getting overly excited and turning to Marluxia. “…Lucca-what-now…?” I asked, looking at Naminé who just shook her head. “Lucdisa- um… You know, costume, work outfit, funky duds?” She tried in several different words, all for the same thing. If I remember right, costume in French was like a suit, so I guess that worked. “…Yes. It’s in my office.” He ushered her into the other room while Naminé and I watched her leave. “…Well, she’ll be a big help at rush hour.” I chuckled. “Yeah.”

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

Naminé and I sighed and rested on the counters, her sitting on it, me leaning against it per a habit we’ve both started forming. “…Huh? Hey, hey- You two both tired?” Rikku asked, flailing her hands at us both like a cat with yarn or like as if she was just mashing an invisible key board. We both looked at her, dumbfounded, then at each other, then laughed a little. She was wearing a male uniform with the girl’s apron. “Well, you’re just so full of energy we’re going to have a hard time keeping up is all.” Naminé replied. “Keeping up? Why? Isn’t it okay to do your own thing to your own music? I mean after all, if you do it to someones else’s music, your steps may not works out right- right?” She asked casually, vaulting herself over the display case and coming to a sitting position on it, facing us. I opened my mouth to reply, but didn’t know what exactly I wanted to say, so I stopped. “…You’re right. I’m glad that you’re not the type of person to change the song or the tempo, Rikku.” Naminé said, giving her a warm smile, which was returned with a wide one. I felt like I was suddenly intruding for some reason, even though this was probably me just being me again…

“By the way- this music is really lax considering how busy it was! Ed vamd uid uv bmyla.” Naminé kept her smile. “From what I understood, I kinda feel the same way. Sometimes I feel like it should be something much more upbeat and hyper.” Rikku nodded, getting off of the counter. “Yeah, yeah! Something like…” She made an air guitar and started making imitation noises. Naminé giggled at her. “I mean, if you’re gonna have the musics, least you can do is have it live! Like get a small little stage over there and gets like a jazz band or something!” Naminé clapped her hands together. “Oh! I actually think that’d be a great idea! You should tell Marluxia!” Rikku turned to her with a skeptical look. “”Actually”? What? Hu dncd? E’s rind!” Naminé and I exchanged glances again. Rikku laughed at us. “Nothing, just poking a jab- a friendly one, I promise! But I shall~!” She said, making some awkward kind of hand motion that was at the same time, very fluent.

“So now do we clean up or is it cake time?” She asked, getting excited at the notion of cake. “…Actually, tea time because Roxas is sick.” She said, giving me a smile. “Ah- n-no, Naminé you don’t have to-“ She put a finger up. “No if, ands, ors, buts, how abouts, maybes, what ifs, or potentiallys- we clear?” …Well she certainly had all of her bases covered. “Like Windex.” Rikku laughed at me and Naminé smirked in reply. “Okay. It should only take a minute, so why don’t you two finish cleaning up out here while I do that and work on the back while it’s heating up?” She offered. Rikku and I nodded. “Okay, we can do that.” She said, pumping her fist in the air again- if anything, she was lively and animated. Naminé gave her a warm smile and disappeared from view into the back.  
“…Buwahaha, you are now my victim~! E femm somacd oui drah kad Naminé~!” She said, making creeper fingers at me, the only thing I got being Naminé out of that sentence. “…I feel like I should be in a Vietnamese nail salon at this rate. You could be talking shit for all we know.” I said, smirking at her and starting to clean up. She twisted the table cleaning cloth, going “Ohohoho~” And flicking it out at me and smacking my thigh with it. “H-Hey! Watch it!” She giggled at me and smirked, darting over to a table. “Bet’cha can’t clean tables with me _and_ get me back~” She teased. “…You’re on, hippie.” She pouted from across the room. “Hey! I’m am _so_ not a hippie! I’m my own breed!”

“…Oh, you got _that_ part right.” I retorted, twirling my cloth with an experimental whip afterwards. She giggled and the game of cleaning tag was on.

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

…Naminé came out to a bigger mess than what she left to. “…Marluxia is going to fire the both of you, I swear.” She said, setting the tray down onto the display case. “HELP ME!” I yelled at her, then burst into more tears of laughter. “Rikku, get OFF!” I wined, trying to remove her from sitting on me. “Ohohoho~ Pid dra daahyka puo ec cu lusvo~!” Rikku continued attacking me at all angles in a torture of tickling. “…I’m going to take your tone into consideration and assume you said something along the lines of harassment and just threaten to eat the cake I brought you if you don’t stop soon.”

She was off within seconds. “Cake!?” I gasped for air and rolled over onto my side, Naminé coming over and crouch down by my side. “…Having fun?” I looked up at her and groaned with a bit of laughter. “…Yes. I like coming to work.” She smiled at me and stroked my hair for a moment, getting up and wandering over. “Come on or Rikku will wash down all of her cake with your tea if you don’t hurry.” She called out to me casually. “Dryd E Femm!” She managed between mouthfuls of cake- which I took as her agreement. “…Gya…! Namie this is delicious~!” She said between a swallow and shoving more into her mouth. Naminé flushed a bit and glanced over at a wall, mumbling a thank you. “…I think I’m gonna kidnaps ya and call ya my little sis and Roxie my little bro! You’re both adorable and he’s fun and you cook yummy foods~! My studio can hold five- me thinks…”

I brushed myself off and wandered over, cleaning the counter before resting on it, the least I could do considering I ended up fucking around for twenty minutes instead of cleaning. Naminé sat on her usual spot on the counter while Rikku had the spot across from her. This was starting to get really cozy… I liked it. “Five? Who are the other two?” I asked, picking up the cup of tea Naminé made for me. “There’s me, Yunie, and Paine- but Paine gets mad if we invade her space, but it’s my place! Isn’t that just mean?” She pouted, holding a piece of cake out in a dismal display before popping it into her mouth and melting back into joy. “Do you all go to the same school?” Naminé asked. Rikku shook her head and cut herself another large piece of cake.

“Yunie and I do, but Paine is one nearby, and she’s pretty cool when she wants to be, so I don’t mind and neither does Yunie, so it’s totally fine!” The tea smelled like some kind of exotic flower and tasted sweet- I don’t even think she put any sugar in it yet… Regardless, I drank it as is. “What are you majoring in?” Naminé asked, keeping the conversation going. “I wanna be an engineer- it’s lotsa fun and it’s in my blood to be good at it, so why nots? I’m also on the track team!” She seemed to get pretty excited about that fact. “What about you two- know what you wanna do yet? In any extra circular things? Sports? Artsy things?” Naminé nodded instantly. “I want to do something in psychology, and I’m in an arts school.” She nodded. “Luum! You’ll have to show me sometime!”

“You and me both.” I added, reminding her. “So what about you, Roxie?” She asked, turning towards me. …This tea was really good. “…Huh? Oh, um… Not sure yet…” I mumbled. She tipped her head. “…Huh? Really? Well are you in any extra circular things?” I opened my mouth- but what exactly _was_ the little group I was in…? I mean- I was still kind of against being in it… Kind of… “…N-Not really…” She looked disappointed. “Really? Well do you like anything like that? Have you ever done any?” I nodded, realizing I ran out of tea and the disappointment must have showed on my face because Naminé offered me the pot with a smile and I held my cup out to her and she refilled it. “…Thanks, it’s good. And kind of… Sora and I- my brother- we did soccer together for a bit in middle school.” While I also was in and out of music before deciding to quit all together first year of high school. “Oh yeah! Cool, cool! Ya knoooow~ I know a pretty almost famous soccer star~” She bragged while I doubted. “Oh really?”

She nodded, enthusiastically. “Yup, yup! Yunie’s boyfriend is! His name is Tidus! Ever hear of him? He’s currently really far away though and can’t even call Yunie…” She looked upset and it wasn’t even her boyfriend. Still, the name vaguely sounded familiar. I’d have to ask Sora if he knew- He was more into those things than I was. “But she says when she watch’s his games on TV, he does this little thing that means it’s for her and she gets really into watching them and even whistles at the TV sometimes.” She gave a kind of reminiscent laugh at it. “…You and Yunie are really close, aren’t you?” She perked up, nodding. “Yup! Even though we’re cousins, I still love her lots and I think I would still even if she wasn’t! She’s a great person! I’ll have to introduce you sometime!” Naminé gave her a smile. “I agree- why don’t you try to have her come to the café when she’s not busy sometime?” Rikku nodded enthusiastically. “I will- Paine too!”

…Considering she was older than us, ran on a boundless supply of energy, and half of her speaking to us was something we couldn’t understand, I had to admit she was pretty cool.

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

“…You’re shitting me!” Sora shook his head. “Nope. No reason to kid- why the sudden interest?” I sat there, dumbfounded while Sora resumed the game he was playing on. I had asked him about the guy Rikku had mentioned, just to find out he was the best player in the country he was currently in- mind you, where he was wasn’t exactly nice and easy sport; he was in the big leagues and Rikku wasn’t kidding. She could have been lying though, but… How was I to know? Not like she would have any reason to randomly do so- besides, if you’re going to do that, why not mention it in relation to yourself, not your cousin? “Uh… Nothing really, someone just said they knew someone who knew him is all and thought I’d ask you about him.” Sora didn’t even bother to pause his game this time as he looked up at me. “ _You’re_ kidding! My brother knows someone who knows someone who knows him- okay wait that sounds like a bull crap story I can’t even get excited over it when it sounds like that…” I chuckled at him and mused his hair as I wandered out of the room. “Wait who do you know who knows that person who- augh forget it you know what I mean! Who is it?!” He called after me.

“…Name’s Rikku- girl Rikku, spelled with two k’s. She’s new at my work place. Get to meet the other one who’s going to be joining Naminé in the kitchen today too.” He trailed out after me and tossed his game onto the bed. I know he wanted to ask, but… “Uh-uh. You can get in the car and come with and ask yourself.” I replied before he even opened his mouth. “Aw, but Roxaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaas!” He wined like an annoying brat. “Nope! Mom I’m going out to the car!” I called to her, putting my shoes on and ignoring him. “…Dillweed.” He attempted at insulting me. “…Oh shush and go sext your boyfriend or something instead of harassing me.” There was a pause as he waited in the doorway. “…I’ll do it with your phone when you’re asleep.”

“…MOM! Sora IS GONN- MHP!” He smacked his hand over my mouth. “I will kill you and eat your first born, don’t you dare!” He threatened me. Mom walked out with her purse in hand and put on her shoes, saying, “You can stop mouth molesting your brother now, he needs to go to work and I’d prefer to do it without him having to work out a boner in the passenger seat.” He quickly removed his hand and we both protested in unison.”Maaaam!” “Mom!”  
She shrugged. “Well, then don’t do it.” And got up and left for the car. I punched him in the shoulder. “Wait I wanna go too!” He called after us, throwing his shoes on. Oh boy… Gonna be a long car ride…

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

“…What _is_ this- A HAREM!?” Sora yelled, astounded at the three females out front, who just ignored him and looked forwards to me entering- which was awkward but nice in its own way. “Hey.” I greeted them casually. “Hey, Roxsie~!” Rikku called to me, waving as though I was across the street and not across the room. “Good morning.” Naminé said, giving me her usual warm smile. “Hiya!” The third one said, approaching me. “I’m Vanille- nice tu meet chuu.” She said, offering a hand. I shook it, feeling a bit awkward for some reason-maybe it was the physical contact with mom watching. She had an accent too, but it was different from Rikku’s, and her smile was a mix of Naminé’s and Rikku’s- it was full of energy, but warm… I liked it. “I’m Roxas.” I introduced myself, relaxing a bit.

She had on several different vibrant colored plastic bracelets, two of which were doubling as hair ties in her pinkish and orange hair that was pulled into two, low side ponytails that rested on her shoulders. She was in a small, pink sun dress that faded into an orange as it went down with a brown belt on her waist with one of those attachable fox tails hooked onto her side. Her brown shoes were those kind that wrapped around her feet kind of like strips or vines and up past her ankles, yet still got labeled as sandals. She had a small bag with a shoulder strap that stopped at her waist that matched her shoes.

I turned towards Sora. “…Okay you can leave now, Sora.” I pressed. “Oooooh! This is your brother?” Rikku asked, trotting over towards him and inspecting her new find. Sora backed up a bit from having his personal space invaded. Marluxia came out of his office a few moments after with her uniform. “Here you are.” She took it from him with a smile that I caught myself more fond of than I should have been- and I’ll admit it, even a bit more than Naminé’s- just a bit. “Thank yuu!” Another woman whom I didn’t notice until just now who had a very serious aura about her stood up from a table and approached her. “Alraiht. Sou yuu got everything?” She asked, sporting the same accent. “Yup!” Vanille replied in a cheery tone. “Hous keis?” She asked. “Check!” She replied, swinging them around on her finger by the key ring. “Cell foune?” She pulled it out of her shoulder bag and flashed it to her. “Check!” The woman crossed her arms. “Your tampo-“  
“Aaaaalraiht! Alraiht! There are _bois_ hea!” She reminded her. “Alraiht, alraiht… Was just checkin’ s’all…” She grumbled, glaring over at a wall. Vanille sighed and hugged her, face just reaching her chest. “…Don’t worray. If I need anything, I will call yuu, okay?” She stopped her sour mood and sighed. “Alraiht.” She patted her head, and Vanille let go and followed her to the door, then went to change.

Sora however, was being interrogated by Rikku- literally. “Who are you? Who sent you? What do you want to order? Did you know we’re not open yet? Why do you look so much like your brother? Are you twins? Fro tu oui muug kyo? Is he as well? Are you here because you know my secret- ooooooh if you are I must _kill_ you!” She threatened, pointing a finger to him like a gun. “…U-Um…” He looked to me for help, his hands up in a forfeiting position. I shrugged.  
“She’s like that.” Then turned to Naminé- hey, he _wanted_ to meet her. “So how come she’s here so early? Aren’t we just supposed to be setting up- and um… Cleaning up?” Yesterday’s mess was dismissed and left for tomorrow- but we’d have to come in early to clean it up. “We are- she’s going to make us something to for the display case as well as our opinion of it.” I nodded- meanwhile, Sora had taken to playing guns and robbers with Rikku while hiding behind the café furniture. I sighed and put a hand on his shoulder. “Okay you two can play later, we have to work even though we’re not open yet.” They both pouted at the exact same time to the point where it was almost pathetic. I sighed and shook my head. “…It has room for six- I think…!” Rikku randomly said, confusing Sora. I laughed, remembering what she had said about kidnapping us yesterday. “Well he doesn’t do much, so…”

She shook her head. “It’s fine! We can buy a big place and all live together and all do nothing!” She offered. The notion was so childish… Seriously, how can someone of her age be so… So…? “Well, I think we’d have to do _something_ in order to get a house that big in the first place.” Sora countered. “Besides, Roxas can clean it- he’s good at that.” …I started dragging him out of the café. “H-Hey…!” God why was he so heavy? Oh no wait he was just dragging his heels, okay… “You can play house with her later- for now we have to work, so get out.” I dropped him on the ground and went back inside.

…Then poked my head back out. “See you later bro- thanks for breakfast.” And poked it back in. I didn’t need to look or listen to know he was smiling again and replying to me. Sure he wasn’t Axel or Naminé in terms of the kitchen, but he knew his way around a microwave and an instant packet of oatmeal well enough and knew I wasn’t picky. It was warm, and he had topped it off with orange juice, the entire time still keeping in mind I was sick in his choices. I was quick to clean up the mess he had made so mom wouldn’t see it through…

When I came back inside, Rikku was pouting and cleaning tables, Naminé at the counter and display case, and Vanille either still changing or in the kitchen. I grabbed a rag and started on the tables with Rikku, nudging her. “Hey, what’s the sour face for- it doesn’t suit you at all.” She blinked at me, surprised and then gave me a laugh. “…You know, it’s funny. Whenever I gets upset, even if no one known what it’s about, it’s usually around a boy and they’re usually quick to cheer me up- it’s nice, even if it’s not over anything serious.” She said, nudging me back. “Really?” I asked, swiping down the seats as well. She nodded. “Yup. One time when I was really upset over something that had or was going to happen to Yunie, Tidus cheered me up without even realizing it. Boys can be blunt and honest to the point of stupidity, but sometimes that’s all we need, ya know?” She said, giving me another bright smile. “Oh, jee, thanks.” She chuckled at me, while wiping down the opposite seat to help me out. “You’re welcome~”

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

“…So what do yuu think? Is it alraiht?” Vanille asked while we all taste tested her food after we finished cleaning. I swallowed. I was no connoisseur, but I had a general idea of what a sweet cheese Danish was supposed to taste like- or at least the ones that came wrapped in plastic packaging. “The bread part was good.” I offered. It wasn’t really that sweet though… “There wasn’t enough filling!” Rikku pouted, putting her finger to her mouth and eyeballing the supposed dessert. “…Um, I feel as though it was fine aside from the lack of sweetness in the cheese part.” She sighed, looking defeated. “I’m surry. I usually cook for Fang- and she’s not too big on sweets, so I doun’t have much practice with them…”

Rikku started waving her hands in front of herself. “No, no! It’s my personal preference really! But it was still good!” I didn’t say anything considering I thought they were both right and didn’t need to cover for anything. She needed honest opinions that would help her with her progress, not lies that would hinder it. I popped the last bit into my mouth and wandered into the kitchen. “Hn? Hey where ya goin’?” Rikku called after me. “To clean.” I casually replied. I heard Naminé laugh ever so slightly. “He does that sometimes- just goes off by himself and cleans something- it’s actually pretty helpful considering I can be a bit messy if I’m not paying close attention.” Vanille nodded. “Me too- Fang usually yells at me for et, but ends up doin’ it ha-self.”

I heard thick clompy shoes quickly click to a location and assumed it was Rikku, and unusually, her voice was quiet to the point where I actually had to strain to hear her. “So~ Speaking of Fangie Fang~ How’s it goin’, Hn~?” I heard Vanille let out some flustered noises as she wandered away from her. “N-None of yuur business…! B-Besides… I haven’t exactly… Yuu know…” There was a large gasp from Rikku, and I glanced over and watched Naminé pick up a cloth and start helping me clean, probably figuring it best to leave them alone. “…So are you two gonna have cooking practice sessions?” She nodded. “Yeah. The timing is actually good because during October the group usually stays late at either here or school to work on the Halloween project while I usually provide food. So, everyone’s opinion would be a big help considering they all have different tastes.” I nodded, rinsing out a sponge. “Well, I’ll be sure to clean up any leftovers.” She giggled. “Alright, but don’t force yourself, alright?” I gave her a skeptical look. “… _Trust me_ \- I’m not.” Food. Free food- sign me up.

There was a squeal from out in the dining area, and I was out within seconds. “Ah! Rikku! Stop that!” Vanille said, standing up on a chair and shooing her away like a mouse. “But Nillie!” She tried, grappling for her, just to be dodged. “Nou! Stop et!” She yelled in protest as she jumped up onto the table. I sighed and I heard Naminé laugh at them a bit from behind me.

…I was really liking my work as well as who I was getting stuck with. Sure, it was going to be tiring- but it was a nice change of pace.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> End A/N: Naminé named her pet after Nagai Hideyuki, a Japanese artist.  
> Yes, that was actual Al Bhed, no I will not be telling you everything she says- where’s the fun in that- especially when she says something snarky~ lol But the thing about the name was kinda BS but not really. It’s like Neggi I think and it reminded me of the word “leek” in Japanese so I kinda… lol  
> But yes, I have so much fun writing for Rikku and Vanille- they’re great!  
> …Fang and Vanille are subtly cannon and NO ONE CAN STOP ME!


	14. The Mire in my Mirth

Chapter XIII: The Mire in my Mirth

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

…Bad luck. I think… That’s the only way that’s meant to describe unfortunate events that people feel they have no control over. The fact that their negative constantly out-weighs their positive till they feel they need words for it. They gave “luck” an embodiment of a fickle woman and kiss her dice or other “lucky” objects in hopes that that sole action will suffice to get her on their side. I personally don’t feel like she’s fickle, but rather she has multiple personalities from her contrasting ability to be so kind, yet so cruel in the same instant. But sometimes… Sometimes it’s more than that.  
Luck has two older sisters, Fate and Destiny, and are twice as cruel, their ways set in stone. Personally, if I had to pick between the three, I’d say I at least trusted Luck in her ability to betray my expectations- good or bad. But, because they’re sisters, sometimes they’ll tell one another things and either work together or plot against one another… Regardless, I trust their ability in three things:

Fate introduces me to those whom I need.  
Destiny makes sure I keep meeting them.  
…and Luck gives me all her best, good and bad.

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

“So I hear that those who get the best marks on the next film assignment in Mr. Merlin’s class get to pick the horror movie we get to watch! Personally, I could care less for a lot of them because their _terrible_ plot wise or nothing but gore! But Hayner likes them a lot, so if I do get the best marks considering I’m in his class, I’ll let him pick- Pence can’t _stand_ horror movies though- but he’s always up for the friend time or movie snacks!” I gave Axel a side long glance of annoyance as Olette chatted my ear off in the middle of music. She had been doing it for the past twenty minutes, non-stopped. He just snickered at me and waved me towards her, a kind of “deal with her then” motion. I rolled my eyes and turned to face her. “Yeah that’s cool and all- I’m gonna run to the bathroom.” I said, standing up, and instantly, she was quiet. It was kind of awkward- I mean, I wasn’t that much of an asshole about blowing her off, was I? I mean it wasn’t my fault if my bladder had to do its business… Right?

I looked over at her, just to make sure. She was staring at her music notes without a word. “…Um, Olette?” She looked up at me with doe eyes and I sighed. “…I know you don’t get along with Hayner and Pence very well for whatever reason, and I know I talk too much but… I kinda just wanted to be friends because you seemed nice and I talk even more when I get nervous…” …Well, she was honest at least. I scratched the back of my neck, glancing over at Axel who was writing something down on sheet music. “…Well, just because someone _seems_ nice doesn’t mean they are.” I reminded her, not looking at her, eyes still trained on Axel and his paper, playing the notes he had written in my head. “…Yeah, but… I mean, if you really were mean or going to be mean to me, you don’t seem like the type to let me constantly talk your ear off without telling me to shut up or even bothering to be my friend first.”

I looked over my shoulder at her. I could kinda get what she meant- but I did the opposite, I shut down and didn’t talk. And she was right about the second part- I wouldn’t try to be nice to her, I’d just ignore her- like I was trying to do, but… I mean she wasn’t a bad person, she was just annoying, but that was only because she was nervous- or so she said… But why was she… “…Why are you trying so hard to be my friend- I mean, trying enough to get nervous over it?” She looked taken aback by the question, and tried fumbling for words. I sighed. “Bathroom.” I reminded her, giving her a minute to think about it while I told Ms. Hikaru where I was headed and left.  
When I came around the corner on my way back, there was clapping. “Congratulations, Roxas!” The tone was so condescending I could have punched him- so I did in his shoulder. He chuckled in spite of that and rubbed it, so it must have hurt between it all. “You know, you are just _great_ at getting potential girlfriends!” I scoffed at him. “I’ve got enough on my plate with potential stalker.” I retorted, wedging my way past him and into the classroom. “Oh-hoho~ so I’m in your sights at least~?” He cooed, trailing after me. “Kinda hard for you not to be when what I ordered gets switched with a bright red, live ferret doing the Macarena in a sombrero.” He laughed at me, but took further note in what I said. “So, what did you order then?”

“Something that _wasn’t_ you.” I retorted, turning around a bit to reply while wandering into the classroom. “Well, maybe the cook decided you’d like me better is all.” He took his usual long strides and walked back to his seat with me. “Well then _clearly_ the cook doesn’t know me too well.” He hummed, thinking of something. “Well, I was your life’s special.” I gaped at him and laughed harder than I should have. “Oh you’re a _riot_.” He put his hands behind his head and smirked. “Well I am~”  
“Well you’re not very good.” I commented with a smirk, making him pout, but then stop. “…Well, I’ll let you resume your conversation with Olette.” He said, putting his large headphones back on while I mentally cussed him out. I sighed, almost cringed, and turned to look at her. “…You don’t really have to talk to me if you don’t want to…” She mumbled, not looking up from the notes she was making. I sighed, putting my chin in my hand, and it was quiet for a moment.

“…I personally don’t care what movie is going to be shown because I’m going to be stuck helping with the haunted house.” She perked up almost instantly. I know I was the one who blew her off, but it bothered me to see her so upset because of something I did. “Oh really? That’s so cool! So you’re in that one school group that always has thirteen people as a constant right- Organization XIII? I think it was to commemorate the first ever members- ah! But you probably already know that, sorry!” …Funny thing being that I didn’t. “But they always do lots of interesting things, it’s a shame that only a select few are in it! I hear requirements are weird and hard and takes a lot longer than normal clubs. So do you guys have an idea for a theme for the haunted house yet? If we don’t do our usual, I’ll try to convince the boys if we can go! We usually just buy all of our candy and hang out and tell horror stories or watch movies or things like that in our hang out place during Halloween.” Oh no… I said one thing and she was off like a rocket… Still. She wasn’t too bad… Just really, _really_ , **_really_** talkative. “…Um, one question at a time?” I asked, giving her a weak smile. She smacked her hands over her mouth. “Oh, I’m so sorry! I did it again!” This was going to be a long year for music…

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

I felt a rough pat on my shoulder that almost felt like a congratulations as I sat on the floor with my arms resting in my knees that were propped up. “Hey. So the meeting got rescheduled today considering both you and Larxene bailed and went right home yesterday.” Axel said, taking a seat next to me in the hallway, another sitting on the other side, his hair toned down and white mixed into the opposing color on my other side. “By the way- the game we played not too long ago in the café, those who lost are going to be playing the females from the game since we’re lacking.” Marluxia remarked. I groaned at the mention of the café’s game, remembering the rats. Fuckin’ rats… I hate rats. They’re so disgusting… They’re disgusting, nasty ass little shits I don’t even… UGH…

“But for the café, all week it’ll be costumed themed, each day being a different one. The week starting on Tuesday since Halloween is the Tuesday after. I’m taking suggestions now so you better think of some by the end of this week if you want any- ...Rikku was quick to already input a theme…” He sounded worried, so it made me snicker at whatever eccentric idea Rikku had proposed. Any idea she had would have been interesting if nothing else.  
“Oh spill, this’ll be fun to hear.” I pried. He sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. “…She wants to do a Panty & Stocking with Garterbelt themed day.” …Never heard of it, but apparently Axel as because he burst out laughing. “Aw! Roxy gets to be Brief! I wanna see this! Pfthaha!” Brief? Like, underwear? What was it like a fashion-y show? Or worse…? “ _Maybe_. We’ll see, and it’s more than less likely not going to happen. Anyways, Roxas, how’s your cold?” I nodded in a thinking manner. “…It’s okay. Gotten a lot better since last week.”

Axel gave a wide grin. “Speaking of,” He pulled out a small, cooler-lunchbox. “Omlette with veggies galore, a few slices of homemade tomato bread, orange juice, and all of my tender-lovin’care~” I couldn’t help but purse my lips to try and hide a smile as I took the lunch from me. “Thanks.” I opened it while Axel and Marluxia started up another conversation between each other. I ate in silence, liking the company and the chatter of the two on either side of me. My brother and his pair came back, Riku whistling at me. “Well how happy you are with a man on each arm is painted all over your face, Roxas.” He said, a cocky tone in his voice as he held his and Sora’s bags, my brother holding their food in turn. I look up at him, confused. “…Huh?” Kairi flashed me a smile and sat down across from me with her food. “He means you just looked really happy is all- it’s rare we get to see you like that, so that’s Riku’s way of pointing it out.”

“Aw, I knew my love being put into the food would totally work!” Axel added, coddling me and rubbing his face with mine. …It hurt. “Ow, get off you douche! How in the _hell_ do you Indian burn someone with _your face_!?” I swatted at him and he laughed, Sora accompanying him as he sat down with Riku. “No seriously, though. You looked like you were gonna sprout wings and fly away you looked so happy- but it was a subtle kind of happy.” Kairi pointed her fork in his general direction. “Like when you think about something that happened forever ago that was really fun!”

“Or a girl… Girls are nice.” Riku added, looking lost already at the notion. Sora shot him a glare. “…What? I’m sorry there was just this _one_ okay-“ Sora covered his ears. “Lalalala don’t wanna hear it it’ll make me mad!” Riku looked over at Kairi, who just shrugged and called Sora a moron. “…Wait what’d you say, Kairi?” She giggled and Riku continued, pissing Sora off, but without realizing the “lovely brunette with brilliantly blue eyes that he just couldn’t look away from and a unique style” was him. Kairi eventually told him and I ran out of half of my bread. Axel and Marluxia kept up a decent conversation between themselves, Sora, Riku, and Kairi doing what they usually did and I just sat quiet and indulgent in my lunch. It was nice.

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

The rest of the week went by in a similar manner; Axel bringing me lunches to help me get better, the annoying school regulars, and so on. I couldn’t really think of anything for costumes for work that I _desperately_ wanted to do, so I let Marluxia do whatever he wanted so long as I didn’t end up in a dress. At home, the only thing that happened that was noteworthy was me missing a spot on one of the tiles in the bathroom and mom flipping shit over it and throwing hair products at me. I dodged them for the most part while scurrying to my room, but my ankle kinda hurts from tripping up the stairs… I think I may have sprained it, but that’s about it. Nothing elevation, ice, and some tight gauze can’t fix. …I sometimes wonder if me being so causal about things like that isn’t healthy. Either way, I was basically better in terms of sickness by the time Saturday work came- Which was good considering the idea Rikku was proposing…

“Pleeeeeeeeaaaaaaaase~?” She cooed at Marluxia. “It’ll be fun! And if we don’t clean everything up, then they don’t have to go!” He sighed. “Rikku, I can’t just cut off several hours at the end of the day because you want to “ _kidnap_ ” everyone for dinner at your place.” She begged again while Naminé switched out an empty cake platter in the display case with a full one, me taking the empty one to clean while Vanille asking her how exactly she wanted the first batch of coffee to be made. “Rikku, it’s unprofessional to rearrange a schedule because of your personal plans! Have you even asked them if it’s alright with them?” Rikku quickly shot her puppy gaze over to us. “…I’ve been ova befoa, so I don’ mind, just gotta tell Fang.” Vanille said, putting the coffee beans away. “I had no plans really- was just going to read a bit and cuddle with my pet after work.” Naminé replied from behind the counter, then went into the back. “…I’d have to ask, but absolutely no plans.” I admitted. Rikku jeered. “See, see?! Cyo oac, cyo oac!” She sounded like a bird or something with whatever she had said in Al Bhed. Marluxia sighed, pinching the bridge of his noise. There was a moment of silence. “…I’ll make up all of the missing hours.”

“Done.” I couldn’t help but let out a small snicker of the laugh I had been trying to hold in. Rikku looked over at me with a wide grin on her face. “And if you guys need ride home, I’ll give ya one!” Good because I was potentially gonna lie and tell Sora to tell mom that I wouldn’t need a ride home and just go without asking because she’s probably say no. …I’m a terrible person and I’m perfectly okay with that. 

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

…I felt the insides of my stomach knot up into a million lariats as I felt the bile rise up to the back of my throat in a threat to vomit- unsure of doing so before or after my hyperventilation stopped my breathing. “Sorry about the mess! Normally it’s a bit worse than this, but I cleaned up my things so it’s one-third better than usual!” I couldn’t stop shaking. I wasn’t walking past the doorway. No way in hell. Vanille popped past me and let herself in, Naminé following her, but stopping and turning to me after she noticed I hadn’t moved an inch. “…Roxas? Are you coming in?” She asked tipping her head at me. I almost replied with an outright “no way in fucking hell”, but that would be rude… As well as not going in after being invited over… But I… My eyes kept darting around at the mess… The random dishes, the objects in their incorrect places, the strewn about CD’s and DVD’s, the various game system controllers uncoiled, the bookshelf a terrible mess, the random articles of clothing… I stared at the floor, just the floor and nothing but (taking note of all of the small flecks of dirt and the like) and nodded, feeling everything still shake. She tipped her head at me and gave me a worried look. “…Are you okay?” She asked, tipping her head more to try to look at me. I nodded vigorously and forced myself past her and followed Rikku and Vanille so she couldn’t see my face. The TV was a crooked, dusty mess, not all of the clean dishes were put up… “Okay so I cleaned the kitchen so I could make everyone food! Does you guys want anything in particular~?” I felt my jaw clench in an attempt to keep the vomit down. This wasn’t clean… Mom would have my ass for this shoddy excuse for “clean”… Did everyone else’s house look like this? Axel’s didn’t- but then again, his dad was insane too, so…

There was a random hand towel on the back of one of the chairs, the coffee pot wasn’t centered and looked like it hadn’t been washed properly in a while… “Well what’s yuur specialty? I think what yuur best at is what yuu should make us!” Spot on the floor… “UM…! W-Where’s the bathroom?” I was seriously gonna hurl… “Hn? Oh! Go back to the living room and to the right of the TV is a door- bathroom.” Before she even finished telling me where it was I was darting for it. Random roll of toilet paper on the side table, a pillow on the floor instead of on the couch, the rug was in need of a washing… My heart wouldn’t stop throbbing and I couldn’t stop shaking, and from the second I entered that bathroom, it only got worse. It was a grungy looking mess with flat irons and curlers resting wherever, a congested mess of hair products and shower washes and shampoos and conditioners, the door under the sink wouldn’t stay closed…

…I couldn’t do this.

I whipped open the doors under the sink and started searching, making a mess and gaining a desperate urge for a shower. Not there, nothing there… This was a bathroom for fucks sake, there was soap! I could use that! I removed everything from the sink and shower and then turned them both on. Couldn’t use toilet paper, it would only make a bigger mess- wash cloth, wash cloth… Shit I couldn’t stop shaking… I squirted a large amount of body wash into the wash cloth and started scrubbing the sink, I couldn’t keep the vomit down enough to stop it from leaving this awful taste in my mouth, I couldn’t stop shaking, I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t-

“…Roxas…?” …It was Vanille. I dropped it out of panic, but my fingers wouldn’t stop twitching. I opened my mouth to reply but… I just kept gaping and felt the salt water flood my vision and I shook my head and lowered myself into a crouch. I couldn’t do this… I felt gentle fingers touch my shoulder and I jumped. “Roxas, what’s wrong?” She crouched down next to me, smoothing her skirt out to fit nicely under her legs. I shook my head and couldn’t bring myself to reply. Not because it was rude, just… I was shaking too much. I didn’t have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder- I didn’t… It was embedded in me to be scared of a mess for fear of repercussions of making one… However, the anxiety…

“…I… I c-can’t…” I didn’t want to sit on the floor, eat from a plate, stay in a damned room- I CAN’T… I’m freaking out too much, I can’t stay here… I felt Vanille gently rub my back. “…Do yuu want to talk about what’s bothering yuu?” She offered. I shook my head, feeling my jaw clench. Even if I could, I could barely… Dirty crevasses… “…I’m sorry… T-The mess, I can’t… I…” She tipped her head, then her expression looked like she had a light bulb go off in her head. “…Yuu _are_ always cleaning up after evereeone in the shop, even if yuu don’t need tu…” I felt like the Earth was directing all of its small tremors just to me… “…Does being in a mess botha yuu?” I opened my mouth to reply, but it kept twitching and my words wouldn’t come out, so I nodded.  
“…Sorry… I’m sorry…” She sighed and wrapped her arms around me. “Roxas, yuu don’ have to be surry! I mean… I can kaind of undastand since everyone has thea own things that botha them or issues they want to fix. …Laike, sometimes concepts of things are hard for me… Laike foa exampul, sometimes when I talk, it sounds faine in my head but it comes out all wead from my mouth. Ohr, when I gou to cook and the book tells yuu everything yuu need, but it just… Doesn’t come out raight foa some reason. Sometimes yuu just need to work at them a few taimes, and if it still doesn’t wurk, trust yurself a bit more on doing it yuur own wae. But I guess for this situation, yuu need to learn to relax, raight?” She said with a laugh, probably trying to comfort me.

She stood up and brushed herself off, offering me a hand. I just stared at it and felt like I was gonna cry. “…Wel don’t just sit thea!” She crouched back down and dragged me up, hauling me out of the bathroom after turning the sink and tub off. “Bois!” She lectured and sighed. “Rikku! Something caem up at Roxas’ houme, so I’m going to borrow yuur car and take him houme, is that alrait?” There was an very loud, disappointed wine from the other room, some clattering and she ran into the living room where we were. “Aw, Roxie!” She threw me into a hug, my face landing right in her chest. …So on top of the anxiety, I also had all of my blood rushing to my face. “Maybe we can plan it for some other time, yah?” She offered, inspecting my face for a positive reply. I forced a nod, avoiding her eyes and she hugged me again, making me hold my breath out of lack of something else to do from my face being where it was.

“Roxas you’re leaving?” Naminé asked from the kitchen doorway. I pulled away from Rikku (with a bit of pushing her away) and nodded. “…Y-Yeah… Sorry…” She walked over, looking a bit sad. “…Okay. Drive safe.” She said, looking over to Vanille. “Of couase!” They both exchanged smiles, the girls took me to the door and Vanille drove me home, all the while I tried to relax in the car. Once we were outside of my house she stopped and turned to me. “…Feeling betta?” I nodded. “…Sorry, again… And thanks for covering…” She gave me a smile and patted my head like a puppy. “Next time whai don’t we gou to my house- I’m a stickla for havin’ it look nice for company!” I managed a numb laugh. “…Thanks.” It was quiet for a minute before I started to get out. “…Yuu know…!” She started while I pause my opening of the door. “…I won’t outright say anything, but I’ll try to maeke the otha girls clean up thea messes a bit moa at the shop if it’ll help yuu any.” I stared at her wide-eyed for a moment before letting out a sigh, and with it the last little bit of my anxiety that had refused to leave me.

“…Thank you, Vanille.”

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

Sex. The three letter word was written in all caps, taking up the entire black board. This was music class and I was already worried. Ms. Hikaru turned to us with a wide smile and placed her hands on her hips. “Now I bet your all wondering what exactly I did that for~” She cooed at us. “Anyone want to give it a shot and guess? Bonus points on your next assignment if you manage to get it.” Hands were quickly shot up in the air at the motivation. She pointed to someone. “How many?” She hummed, tapping her chin. “…20.” More hands went up, mine stayed down. “You want us to find a song with that in it.” She denied the students answer and called on another. “You want us to write a song about it.” She hummed, then shook her head. “Somewhat. You’re getting a tad ahead of me, so 5 bonus points on yours.” There were various guesses, none of them right, so finally she just spilled the answer. “As you all know, Halloween is next week. Most people think along the lines of candy and costumes. Although, you all being teenagers think candy, parties, and alcohol- and I’ll let you in on a little secret- all of the adults do too.” There was a snicker or two. “That being said, when you’re drunk and at a party, there’s something about the music that just makes people want to move and other things.” She nodded her head towards the board. “So, based on that, I want you all to give me a song that you’d like to do this and that to by Wednesday and a small paragraph as to why. It could include some of the words, or the bass, tone, melody, variations on pitch, or so on. Whatever it is that would turn you on to someone else about the song. Feel free to use that sheet I gave you with definitions of those words as well as several others, if you need a new one, they’re always in the bin on the desk by the door.”

I felt eyes on me and my face wouldn’t stop heating. Stop looking at me you fucking idiot…! “For those of you that want, you may present your song to us, but per school regulations, try to censor it if it’s along those lines. I’ll give you bonus points if you present.” Olette raised her hand. “Can I ask why we’re doing an assignment so… Vulgar?” I felt all eyes on her with her potential to ruin the project for the class. “Vulgar? Sex isn’t vulgar, Olette. It’s a wonderful thing, one night stand or not. It’s attraction, and heat, and joy, and a search for physical compatibility among love. I’m doing this because if I’m stuck teaching you about music, I’m going to do it in a way that is interesting to everyone- it’s no fun to learn about the same boring thing or nothing that catches your interest. I like leaving the assignments vague but still within the requirements so you can have your own interpretation of it- just like how music really is.” As much as I loved our music teacher, this assignment was gonna kill me.

“…Can we have some examples?” Came a random ask from the class. Ms. Hikaru smiled. “As a matter of fact…” She went over to the small boom box in the corner of the room and put in a CD, asking the person closest to the door to close it. “Now these few examples may not tweak some of you like it would others, but I feel that these are some good examples.” She played pop, rock, lounge, and some other genre that was weird. “Now, one or more of these songs probably stood out to you, or maybe none at all. Maybe some of you would prefer love songs because you listen to the lyrics, or maybe others prefer something with a heavy base- there’s a wide variety of lists, and I want yours.” She pulled up the projector and a youtube page, playing that one scene form that movie Pitch Perfect where the topic of their acapella was “sex”. The bell rang a few moments after she finished it. “Remember, due Wednesday.”

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

“Let’s talk about sex, baby~ Let’s talk about you and m-“  
“No. Just no.” I quickly cut him off. “Aw, but Roxa-“ I put my finger to his mouth and shushed him, closing my eyes and mushing my finger all over his face. He laughed at me. “Fine- then sing me a song of your love and I’ll leave you alone.” I groaned and scrubbed my face with my hands. “…No.” He started singing some other song and I covered my ears and walked as fast as I could to lunch. “Oh baby don’t goooo~!”  
“Shut up!” I called down the hallway at him. He smirked and strided over while I waited for him. “…Well are you embarrassed over audiences? Would you like to give me a private concert? It didn’t bother you when-”  
“Ah-ah! No.” I said, holding my hand up. He held them and I pulled away, scanning for my brother. “…Please? I like your singing voice.” I paused, honestly considering it even though he was hinting at things that in our current situation, he wouldn’t or rather shouldn’t know again… He brushed his fingers up against mine, his body hiding them from anyone who would be behind us. “…One.” I turned around before he could revel in his victory and pointed a finger in his face. “ _Just_. One.” He gave me a wide smile of teeth and pulled me out one of the doors into the cold, late October air.

He found a tree and sat down at it, giving me a wide smile as he waited. “W-What don’t look at me like that I can’t think when you do that- its creepy!” He chuckled and looked away while I pulled out my music. What did I even have in here right now? Nothing, nothing, nothing… Well, nothing I wanted to sing to him anyways- wait why was I putting so much though into this anyways? Fuck… Well I had one of two things; love songs or something that would kill my throat and make me sound demonic. I sighed and tossed it in his lap. “I don’t know, you pick something.” He looked down in his lap and picked up my ipod, scrolling through. “…Would you hate me if I picked that one song by Matc-“  
“Yes.” He smiled subtly as he scrolled through my music, eventually stopping to ask me again. “…Feel like singing some Counting Crows or Muse?” I shifted feet, thinking. “Either’s fine, but Muse is kinda… Not something I wanna sing, just listen to.” He shrugged and resumed searching. I got tired of switching feet and sat down next to him, looking as he scrolled though my sea of music.

He eventually picked something; Mr. Brightside, by the Killers. I was fine with it really- it was when I got to the “…How did it end up like this? It was only a kiss… It was only a kiss~” That had me glaring at him a little while he smirked just a bit. The song was within my vocal range pretty easy, but not so it sounded like I was talking. He clapped like it was honestly a show when I was done and I punched him in the shoulder. He chuckled and flashed me a wide smile. “…So you’ve yet to complain about it.” I looked at him quizzically.  
“…About what?” He motioned around us- oh… We were hidden outside by a tree. Well shit. I didn’t even notice until he pointed it out… It just felt natural, even when I was trying to shrug it off. “…Well I just forgot- like I told you to.” I lectured, pointing a face in his finger. He chuckled and brushed my hand aside. “But I never forget a pretty face- even when I’m told to.” I sighed and pinched the bridge of my nose. “For the love of god I’m gonna kill you…” I grumbled, slowly leaning forwards into my knees. “I don’t think you win over god’s affection by killing people- unless you meant Hades or something.” I couldn’t even hold any type of anger, feigned or otherwise- I busted out laughing. I covered my face with my hands and started laughing like he had just told me the funniest thing in the world. “Oh my god I fucking hate you- I hate you so much.” I managed through laughter. It wasn’t even that funny and I knew that. It was just… This. I missed this. But for that exact reason, it was why I told him to forget it in the first place. I wanted the memories rather than the inevitable reality. It was probably why I was laughing so hard.

“Go die in a hole, I’m gonna murder you.” I threatened, flat on my side now. “Oh? How can you ask me to go commit suicide then kill me?” I finished laughing and kicking him a bit, but nothing serious. If anything, he’d just get dirt on him… And I guess with me that was a kind of big disgusting factor and turn off and distaste all in one. “Easy- I have you kill yourself, I revive you, and then kill you myself.” He hummed, looking a bit disappointed. “…Well there better be some mouth to mouth resuscitation in there.” I sat up and half-heartedly punched his shoulder. “…I hate you.” I rested by back against the tree and my hands sat on either side of me. “…Love you too.” I felt his pinky lock with mine and I was tempted to pull away- hell I _should_ have but…

 _“…Alright then- on one condition.”_  
“What?”  
“…Promise me something.”  
“Anything.”

…But I _didn’t_ pull away.

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

In English, we had _finally_ stopped reading all of these short passages and poems and gotten onto reading an actual book. We were each given one, the title being “The Rules of Survival”. The cover was blue and had a bowl of glass with a spoon in it as if someone was actually gonna eat that, and nothing else. I just stared at it, confused at first, then my expression kinda shifted over to a “what the fuck is this?” kinda look. I turned it over while the teacher gave boring instructions on not breaking them or losing them and blah, blah… _Matt’s Rules of Survival_  
1\. Sometimes, the people who mean you harm are the ones who say they love you.  
2\. Fear is your friend. When you feel it, act.  
3\. Protect the little ones.  
4\. If you coped before, you can cope now.  
5\. Always remember: in the end, the survivor gets to tell the story.  
  
For Matt and his sisters, life with their cruel, physically abusive mother is a day-to-day struggle for survival. But then Matt witnesses a man named Murdoch coming to a child’s rescue in a convenience store; and for the first time, he feels a glimmer of hope. Then, amazingly, Murdoch begins dating Matt’s mother. Life is suddenly almost good. But the relief lasts only a short time. When Murdoch inevitable breaks up with their mother, Matt knows that he’ll need to take some action. Can he call upon Murdoch to be his hero? Or will Matt have to take measures into his own hands?

…Well shit. I liked the little list and shit, but um… I raised my hand, and when he finished his lecture, he called on me. “Yes Roxas?” I put my hand down and took a breath, thinking of how I wanted to word this. “…Won’t this book make some people uncomfortable?” I asked, rubbing the back of my neck. “Oh and Romeo and Juliet doesn’t? It’s about teenagers that commit dual suicide. There are any number of topics that could make someone “uncomfortable”, and I’m not going to hand out survey’s every time and rearrange my curriculum based on one or two people.” …Thanks ass hole…

He had us read the small section before chapter one and then have a small discussion on it as well as predications about what would be in it. …I didn’t want to. There was one line that made my chest hurt and made my eyes well up a bit… _…But how come there doesn’t seem to be any rules about when you ought to help others survive? Rules telling you when that’s worth some risk to yourself? Callie and I were working so hard for you Emmy, but as far as I could see, nobody else cared at all. For any of us._ I was on the verge of tears for page one of this dumb book and… I couldn’t do it. I’d fail this class. Fuck that. I wasn’t reading this book. If he asked, I lost it. I was not reading this. Page. One. Page fucking one. No. Fuck this book. Seriously fuck this book I was gonna burn it when I got home in the backyard. Fuck this book.

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

…I was halfway through the book and it was probably tear stained on various pages. On basically every couple pages or so, I verbally whispered “…Fuck this book…” and kept biting at my nails and crying and… Fuck. Fuck this book. Seriously I hate this thing. I’m gonna use it as toilet paper. Fuck this book.  
It had taunted me when I had gotten home. I had done my chore and opened my bag up to start on my homework and… And I was gonna burn it- really was. But I just… Just one chapter. And then before I knew it I was hidden under my covers and crying and cursing it out and hating it with all of my being with over half of it in between my fingers… Because it was, to an extent, a variation of _us_ on paper… And it killed me- really _killed_ me- because this kid, Matt… I could relate so much that I couldn’t stop crying over it.

He was desperately trying to keep his sister safe… And when you think of “abused” kids, you think of all of these terrible things and bruises and marks and “why won’t you tell anyone” and it just… It doesn’t work like that. There are pauses… Moments where you’re happy, just for a little bit. When no one gets hit or yelled at or anything like that… Where for a moment, everything seems okay… And those are the worst of them all because you know- you _know-_ something is coming. It’s simply a calm before the storm. And not a single thing could be done to prevent it. You could tell someone- and they would _know_ you were in pain… But nothing would be done about it. Or there were just things you didn’t want the world knowing… You didn’t want those… Those…  
 _“Roxas are you okay?” “Why does your music always sound so sad?” “Why are you crying?” “Where did that bruise come from, are you alright?” “Roxas, do you mind if we talk about your brother? You’re just always with him and it’s kind of…” “Why were you out for so long? You don’t even have a note!” “Roxas can you play something happy?” “Roxas-“ “Roxas-” “Bruises.” “I’m sorry, there’s nothing I can do-“ “We got a call about two potentially abused children? May we come in?” “Liar. There’s nothing wrong with you.” “Roxas won’t you play piano anymore?” “Roxas?” “Hey Roxas-“ “I had a discussion with your mother about what you told me-“ “You poor thing!” “Poor thing…” “Poor child- he always looks so sad…”_  
…So, the only person you had to rely on… Was yourself. Because no one else… No one else really cared past themselves.

There was a knock on the door. “Roxas, dinner ti- …Are you okay?” I put my arm out from under the blanket and shooed him away. I didn’t want to talk any higher than a whisper for fear of my voice cracking. “…Roxas?” I shooed him away harder. There was a tug on the blanket, and I yanked it back. “…Roxas…?” I risked a reply. “I’m reading, not hungry.” It was curt, and because of that, my voice didn’t betray me. But still… Sora knew something was wrong. He always knew… He paused by my bedside for a moment, then quietly left.

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

By the time I was done (yes done, I read the entire book), it was ridiculously early and I was hating myself. I had school as well as work today… I sighed. Well, may as well just stay up or I’d never _get_ up and mom would have my ass. I decided to get on the computer and try at my password again. I pulled the laptop from the desk in our room and brought it to my bed, turning it to the lowest setting, going on my account and opening to bookmarked tab.  
I took out a small notebook and looked through the list of things I had tried; my name, my birthdate, my favorite color, Sora’s name, the fact that I was a twin in various wordings, my grade in every class, Mr. X’s room number, Corpse Party, Corpse Party: Blood Covered, a few small talents… I got desperate okay? I tried several other things, all to no avail. I had asked Axel if it was case sensitive, and he said it only was if you input it the first time that way. Like say it was “Orange”, if you put it in all caps, then that’s how it would stay. Likewise if you cap locked just the “O”, or if you didn’t. I was trying everything in lower case just to be careful. “ _Who are You_?” the white words on black background taunted me. Who… I typed “an emotional wreck” just for the hell of it and got another “ _Incorrect_ ” beneath it. I sighed. This was more trouble than it was worth… This was like that bullshit Dollars thing from Durarara or something.

I sighed again and wracked my brain for something… I was so tried I was ready to shoot myself with all of this thinking… Seriously this was so… I may as well go apologize to everyone now because I was never going to get this… I mumbled an apology… “…Sorry…” and covered my face with my hands for a minute and tried to think of something that would calm me down… _“Roxas, yuu don’ have to be surry! I mean… I can kaind of undastand since everyone has thea own things that botha them or issues they want to fix. …Laike, sometimes concepts of things are hard for me… Laike foa exampul, sometimes when I talk, it sounds faine in my head but it comes out all wead from my mouth. Ohr, when I gou to cook and the book tells yuu everything yuu need, but it just… Doesn’t come out raight foa some reason. Sometimes yuu just need to work at them a few taimes, and if it still doesn’t wurk, trust yurself a bit more on doing it yuur own wae. But I guess for this situation, yuu need to learn to relax, raight?”_

…Relax. I needed to relax more… This was stressing me out _much_ more than I needed to be over it. “ _Who are you?”_ The words continued to ask. Well… If I was going to do this the relaxed way, I wasn’t a number- that was for sure. I wasn’t my brother, and names were stupid and could be changed. I wasn’t a game, I wasn’t… He wasn’t anything special really. …Was it…? I started typing… And the page loaded, and I expected it to say “incorrect” again…

But it didn’t. It loaded a main page, and I nearly shit myself and jeered out loud- almost. I got it. I did it! I _fucking_ did it! I rolled around in my bed a little, silently screaming at how happy I was to have gotten it- then I sat up and was instantly pissed at realizing what they had put for my password. Seriously? Dicks… I’d have to talk to him about that- that password was bullshit…Still. I was in! The page was a simple black font on white, the header a simple design of varying shades of white and gray with sharp lettering of “Organization XIII”. There was a small chat box in the corner, and I clicked it, looking through all of the handles, all telling me who was online and offline. It all seemed to be in a set order since some were online, other’s offline… Random really, so there had to be some set order;  
  
Superior of the In-Between [online]  
The Freeshooter [online]  
The Whirlwind Lancer [online]  
The Chilly Academic [offline]  
The Silent Hero [offline]  
The Cloaked Schemer [online]  
The Luna Diviner [offline]  
The Flurry of Dancing Flames [offline]  
The Melodious Nocturne [offline]  
The Gambler of Fate [online]  
The Graceful Assassin [offline]  
The Savage Nymph [offline]  
The Key of Destiny [online]  
No. i [online]

I was so excited I didn’t know what to do with myself really… But I did notice that there were fourteen people online rather than thirteen.  
 **The Key of Destiny [3:14]:** Uh… Hey?  
 **The Freeshooter [3:14]:** heeeeeeeeey! looks like the kiddo finally made it!  
 **Superior of the In-Between [3:16]** : Congratulations, Roxas. You are now officially a member of the Organization.  
 **The Key of Destiny [3:16]:** Uh, thanks I guess… So um, real quick- what’s with my password? And are these handle’s unchangeable?  
 **The Whirlwind Lancer [3:18]:** No. Xemnas has given them to each of us for a reason he feels we should figure out on our own. The password is also given to us based on how we did in the test in order to become a member, but mostly in relation to the index cards in the very beginning. Please do not state it in the chat box or it may be stolen.

Right… Because I said there was nothing wrong with me, therefore I was… It made sense now, thinking about it like that. I mean, there was _always_ someone wrong with someone, even if they didn’t know it or mean to have something wrong with them. Like right now, I was tired. I could deal, but it still wasn’t 100%. Now I kinda didn’t want to change it…

 **The Key of Destiny [3:21]:** Stolen? I thought once we got it, it was ours?  
 **The Gambler of Fate [3:24]:** Well, that should have been the case were it not for No. i- it’s either a hacker or a bug. However, it’s yet to say, do, or mess anything up, so my bet is on bug. But still, just to be safe don’t bet on it at all. That and I’m sure it’s in relation to a sensitive topic concerning your card, yes?  
 **They Key of Destiny [3:26]** : Er, I guess so…  
 **They Key of Destiny [3:26]** : So why is this page so secret anyways?  
 **The Whirlwind Lancer [3:29]:** It’s not specifically “secret” so to say. It’s rather just a means of finding out if you deserve to see the page contents is all. The password is your final test, nothing more.  
 **The Cloaked Schemer [3:29]:** Back- oh Roxas finally managed to get on did you? At 3am no less. Saïx would have found that amusing.  
 **The Key of Destiny [3:30]:** How so?  
 **The Cloaked Schemer [3:32]:** 3am is when the gates of hell supposedly open and all of the monsters come out. He would have probably hinted at something like you being given a hint from a little personal monster of your own- after all, our passwords are all sensitive topics.  
 **The Key of Destiny [3:32]:** …Riiiight.  
 **The Key of Destiny [3:33]:** So who’s who, exactly? I’m a bit confused aside from who Mr. X is- and if I’m wrong I *officially* have no idea who anyone else is.  
 **The Cloaked Schemer [3:33]:** Superior of the In-Between is Xemnas, The Freeshooter is Mr. Xigbar, The Whirlwind Lancer is Xaldin, The Chilly Academic is Mr. Vexen, The Silent Hero is Lexaeus, The Cloaked Schemer is myself, Zexion, The Luna Diviner is Saïx, The Flurry of Dancing Flames is your beau, The Melodious Nocturne is Demyx, The Gambler of Fate is Luxord, The Graceful Assassin is Marluxia, The Savage Nymph is Larxene, and No. i is unknown and has been for a long while.  
 **The Key of Destiny [3:35]:** …Did you have that like in your clipboard or something because for such a lengthy reply, that literally took like two seconds and isn’t generalized, holy crap.  
 **The Cloaked Schemer [3:35]:** Shut up.  
 **The Key of Destiny [3:36]:** Oh my god you did!  
 **The Cloaked Schemer [3:37]:** No, I didn’t. I copied it from one of the pages and simply tweaked one or two things you brat. Here. Link

The link was to a page that had a picture of everyone and a small bio- I’d have to read that later when I could see straight. There was one with a header for an empty picture with my handle, and underneath that, my real name. The bio was empty- meaning I probably had to fill it in. Everyone else had a similar layout. In fact, looking up at the page tabs, it was pretty orderly- I liked it. Even in a tired stupor, I could manage this pretty well. But there were only thirteen- none for the supposed bug or hacker.

 **The Key of Destiny [3:40]:** Oh… Well still.  
 **The Freeshooter [3:40]:** well, what I wanna know is why the kiddo is up past his bedtime?  
 **The Key of Destiny [3:42]:** Uh, reading this book and then I figured since I was already up I may as well mess with the password thing again and I happened to get it…  
 **The Freeshooter [3:43]:** Well then congrats, kiddo. good fuckin luck at school tomorrow though!  
 **The Key of Destiny [3:43]:** Ugh, thanks…  
 **The Cloaked Schemer [3:34]:** What were you reading?  
 **The Key of Destiny [3:35]** : The Rules of Survival for English class. It’s supposed to be a month+ long book but like…  
 **The Cloaked Schemer [3:36]:** I hate that. I can literally read the book in a night if I enjoy it and then they make you spend all of this excessive time on it, even when you do read it within their time parameters- it’s tiresome.  
 **The Key of Destiny [3:36]:** Ugh, seriously…!  
 **Superior of the In-Between [3:37]:** Roxas, if you’d like, tomorrow if you see me in the morning, I can write you a pass during English and you can come rest in my room.  
 **The Key of Destiny [3:37]:** Really?! That’d be awesome, thank you!  
 **The Whirlwind Lancer is now offline  
** The Freeshooter [3:38]: well good night to you too, Princess! not like we were in the middle of a discussion or anything.  
 **The Gambler of Fate [3:39]:** Actually, I think I’ll be joining him in terms of sleep. Good night, gentlemen.  
 **The key of Destiny:** Night!  
 **The Cloaked Schemer [3:40]:** Good night- or rather good morning, Luxord.  
 **Superior of the In-Between [3:40]:** Rest Well.  
 **The Gambler of Fate [3:41]:** Thank you, I will- or at least I’ll try, anyhow...  
 **The Gambler of Fate is now offline  
** Superior of the In-Between [3:43]: Anyways, Roxas. Do you have any questions about the site?  
 **The Key of Destiny [3:45]:** Well… Not right now. That and I didn’t really look through it yet. I’ll probably do it tomorrow or the day after.  
 **Superior of the In-Between [3:36]:** Well, if you have any questions, feel free to use this general chat box, or privately message me or anyone else whom you’d comfortable feel asking.  
 **The Key of Destiny [3:36]:** Okay. Thanks!  
 **The Freeshooter [3:37]:** know howta private message people on here, Roxas?  
 **The Key of Destiny [3:38]:** I’m sure I can manage after taking a look at it.

“…What the hell are you doing up at 4am?” My stomach dropped and I quickly closed the laptop. I wasn’t ashamed of anything on there- it’s not like I had been caught looking at porn or something. It was just involuntary out of fear of my mother. Everything I had just read in the book I had come flooding back to me and instantly gave me an anxiety attack.

**The Key of Destiny is now offline.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> End A/N: …Tomato bread. You have no fucking idea. Tomato bread is like… I can’t even. I’ve eaten whole loaves by myself before. It’s THAT good. Go get some. Paneras, this little café I have here, has some. Yum. And I’ve actually read “The Rules of Survival”- wanna say it was… First year of high school? I honestly did stay up all night one summer reading it on the floor of my kitchen with blankets and stuff- I have no idea why I had camped out in my kitchen, but I did… But yeah, I liked it. I tried to make this 13 pages in all irony, I did… But it didn’t happen, I’m sorry…


	15. Just Pretending to Die Like It’s a Holiday

Chapter XIV: Just Pretending to Die Like It’s a Holiday

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

…Holidays are interesting. There are days when it’s okay to stay up past midnight and watch as people make out on screen in a sea of people while setting fire off into the sky. There are days when, for some reason, people think it’s perfectly normal to confess to everyone they’ve ever liked on one day and gorge themselves on chocolates of all kinds when they get rejected. There are days when people en mass where the same color, eat the same color, and hunt for four sided clovers. There are days when we hunt for eggs while our parents fear we’ll miss some and they’ll rot as well as waste obnoxious coloring and glitter that had been thrown on them. There are days when we get to pretend we’re someone or something completely different and it’s perfectly normal to let strangers feed you. There are days when we get to eat like we’re never going to again, all basically having the same center piece for meat. There are days when we get to dress up dying trees with bright lights and give one another things I’m sure weeks later we have no interest in aside from a few. There are days scattered throughout the year where we celebrate people dying and are only happy over it because we don’t have to go to school.

…My favorite is probably the one where I can be me and everyone else thinks I’m pretending to be something else for a day.

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

“…What the hell are you doing up at 4am?” My stomach dropped and I quickly closed the laptop. I wasn’t ashamed of anything on there- it’s not like I had been caught looking at porn or something. It was just involuntary out of fear of my mother. Everything I had just read in the book I had came flooding back to me and instantly gave me an anxiety attack.

She walked into the room and stood right by my bed, putting her hand out for the computer. I gave it to her, hoping the by closing the computer, it would reset the site and that she wouldn’t be able to get into it… She opened it and sat on the edge of my bed, putting in my password for the general login screen. I hoped and prayed that the computer wouldn’t let her in. Please, please, please… And the browser was on google. …Did I hit something? Well whatever I did, thank _fucking_ god! She looked over at me and narrowed her eyes, going into my history. Shit, shit, shit… But it was everything else aside from the site. Even google was opened only a few minutes ago- which I didn’t do… …The fuck? Okay honestly that’s kind of freaky… “Guess I caught your dumb ass right as you got on it. Go the fuck to sleep or you’re in for it.” She whispered tensely, taking the laptop with her. I let out a tense sigh as she left and flopped back into the bed, knowing I’d have to ask someone about that…

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

“Not in your history? Well unless you were in incognito mode, no not really. It doesn’t do it on its own- I only know because I use that instead of bookmarking things.” Axel replied. I looked mortified. “T-Then what the fuck was that?!” I was on it- right?! I had to find Mr. X this morning anyways- I mean, if I went there and he had no idea what I was talking about, then sure, I passed out for a bit or something but like… Shit. That was weird as fuck… “I don’t know- you said you were up all night reading ri-“  
“Yeah, I know, going to confirm it now…” I grumbled, stomping to Mr. Xemnas’ room before class started. I knocked on his door, the anger escaping me and being eaten alive by anxiety. “Um… Mr. Xemnas?” He looked up from his desk at me. “Oh, Roxas. Yes let me right you that pass right now.” …Fuck. “U-Um… Can I also ask you something about the site? Is there some way it’ll not be in my history or auto clear it?” He looked up at me from his notepad. “…What do you mean?” I walked into the room a bit more, and he motioned for me to close the door. “…Well like my mom caught me, and she logged it back in, but it was on google, and not the site at all and my history was missing for it.” He narrowed his eyes. “…Well that most certainly is odd… I’ll look into it, but please tell me if anything else happens. When is your English class?” He asked quickly, looking up at me. “Last period.” He nodded and resumed writing. “It could be in relation to the bug, but that hasn’t happened to our other members at all. …Then again… You are the first member we have gotten since we’ve obtained that bug in the chat box.”

“Do you think that could be it?” I asked, wanting my freaky comp shit to stop- I mean, fuck yeah, not in trouble really but fuck no get out of my computer, thanks… “Potentially. As I’ve said, tell me if anything else happens.” He ripped the pass out of the small notepad, and the bell rang. “But for now, try to stay awake in class.” I gave him a nod and took the pass, leaving and shutting the door behind me.

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

At Oblivion, we were given our first costumes of the week. I was told to stay out of the staff bathroom until all the girls were done- their make-up was a lot more extensive for this theme. They were geishas, and I got handed a samurai outfit. Shit this looked heavy… “Old fashioned Japan was a lot of work…” I grumbled in Marluxia’s office, changing. He took the easy way out and was dressed as a girl today. After I saw them though, I realized it was actually a _lot_ of work, mine was just heavier. They all had on kimonos with wonderfully vibrant colors, face make up, and their hair was done with little charms or the like in them. Wait where was-

“HIYA!” Rikku knocked me on the back of my head with a wooden sword. “Ow! What was that for?!” Rikku snickered, patting it on her shoulder. She wasn’t dressed like the girls- she was dressed like me. I gave her a wide grin. “Well, that _does_ suit you better.” She flashed me a wide smile. “Oh I _know_ right?” It was more feminine and had a variety of bright colors, but the point still got across.  
The rest of the day was spent messing around with Rikku sword fighting in between customer serving. It actually was pretty entertaining to them, so Marluxia actually _wanted_ us to do that every so often in front of them so long as we didn’t bump them or their meals. He said he liked the look- pretty girls bringing out food, another pair giving them some entertainment all in good sport, old fashioned sounding Japanese style music- the customers were in a good mood from it and gave lots of complements and big tips that day.

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

…I almost shot myself Wednesday. I had completely forgotten about picking the song that I’d totally over expose myself and get molested to. Shit, shit, shit… I scanned through my music that I had on me, mentally beating myself up. Well it’s not like I actually had to be serious about this… Right? Wait no, she wanted something written on it, fuckin- shit! It’s not like I had time to bullshit anything anyways- it was first period!  
…I could still bullshit this, Muse existed. I quickly wrote some bullshit paragraph about the feeling Muse had in its music, the melody in all of their songs, how fluent it was- good great. Bullshit. Yeah. Go me. Points for the biggest pile of bull shit ever. …Still… It wouldn’t be that bad to have sex to Muse- not that I was going to! Like ever!

“…Muse, huh? I’ll keep that in mind.” I glared at Axel. “The fuck you will.”

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

At Oblivion today, we were animals. Not like, full body suits, but like leggings for the girls, attachable tails to the back of pant loops, headbands with ears on them, and things like that. Naminé was a tiger, Vanille was a wolf, Rikku was a panda, Marluxia was a bird, and I was, oh boy, wait for it- a fucking hedgehog. Naminé tried really hard not to laugh, but Rikku broke the failed snickering. “…I hate you guys.” Rikku wiped the mirth from her eyes and slung and arm around me. “Well, at least you don’t have to do anything to your haheheheheehaaiir…!” She started, ending up laughing at me again. “Well ai think is cuute!” Vanille tried to defend. “Yeah. _Cute_. Thanks, guys…”

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

Thursday, fairies, elves, and things like that. “Elf. For the love of god, if you put me in wings, shit will go down.” Vanille giggled as she put the synthetic on my ear. It felt cold. She attached it and added make-up so it looked natural. The outfits looked like they were made of earth-y things like moss, leaves, flowers, and so on, elf for fairy. But they covered everything and none of them were sketchy or questionable at all. I had pants and a shirt, the basis of mine was vines. I kinda felt like Peter Pan a little, not gonna lie. The ears were also really cool. I inspected them in the mirror, silently applauding Vanille. We didn’t have to wear shoes and I internally did a little dance over that. Something about me never really liked shoes or socks. Naminé was a fairy, same with Rikku, and Vanille did some of that deer make-up you see all over the internet on girls that looks really cool. Marluxia was a mix- but he made it work and it was really something interesting to look at.  
“Roxas, selfie taime foa Fang!” Vanille called, wrapping her arm around my shoulder and pulling out her phone. “Okae dum wan furst!” She said quickly, making said dumb face, and I followed suit. “Okae duck faec!” I pushed my lips out really far. I had gotten used to this already- she had done it since Tuesday. “Okae nou serious!” We both deadpanned as hard as we could- a joke on Fang in general, but all in good sport. 

The day had went by pretty normal aside from the occasional question about my ears and how we did that or where we got the costumes. But about two hours before we closed, Zexion and Demyx came in. Zexion sat himself at a table in the corner, Demyx fawning over our fawn. Marluxia assisted Zexion, who gave him this warm smile that I had never seen on his face before- it made me feel like I was intruding.

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

Friday was something I could deal with, no problem. We were dead things. Rikku had called zombie, Naminé was a ghost, I took a shadow person, Vanille was a mummy, and Marluxia death itself. It was pretty normal, but then Rikku had yanked me to the side and said “Today- We gotta do it today. Ed’c huf un hajan!” I sighed. “Fine- if we get fired for this, you owe me my weeks’ pay and a new job.” She waved me off. “Oh, we’ll be fine! It’s Halloween! If they didn’t see it coming, it’s their own fault!” She chided, removing herself from me. “…Come on! There’s barely any peoples here and the ones that are here are mostly like teenagers and junk- they won’t care and are less likely to have any health problems over it!” I narrowed my eyes at her. “…Ask them first.” I warned. “If shit goes down because one of them has a panic attack over your prank, I’m not dealing with it.” I warned, looking over at a wall and rolling my shoulder.

“Can do~!” She said quickly, darting over to a table- then stopping half way and doing a zombie walk. Oh my god she was so stupid... She’s lucky I like her- as a friend. I shook my head and smiled and continued my work. For a bit, everything was fine. Rikku gradually asked around and got all of the customers and gave me a thumbs up. I nodded and looked around for everyone’s location while she disappeared. She was gone for three… Five… Eight… The hell was taking her so loooooh fuck… A mom just walked in with her kid. Fuck, abort, abort! I pulled out my phone- then the lights went off and the music stopped. Shit, shit, shit, Rikku wait!  
I heard Naminé squeak and potentially drop something. “Eh?! Wherad the laits go?” Vanille asked from the middle of the floor. There was then a scream- a blood curdling scream that could rack the bones of even the most hardened of people- and then it was cut short. I heard the kid start crying. I maneuvered around in the dark in an attempt to find the kid and his mom by the crying noises he was making.

I ran into their table, but other than that made it. I crouched down and whispered “Look it’s okay. Shh, it’s alright. In a little bit the lights are gonna come on and my friend is gonna pretend to be bleeding- it’s just gonna be like raspberry jam or something, okay? She’s just trying to scare our friends. Don’t be scared- oh and you can’t tell okay? Can you keep a secret? If you can until we tell everybody I’ll give you some cake, okay?” I offered. I heard him sniff. “…Mean it?” I nodded although he couldn’t see me. “Yup- hold out your hand?” I asked while Marluxia ran into something in an attempt to get the lights back on. The kid did as I asked and I felt around for it, holding it in mine for a second before locking our pinkies. “Yup. Promise. I’ll even give you a piece with lots of “blood” on it, okay?” I heard him giggle. I mused his hair and stood up, but didn’t move. I heard the mother sigh and whisper “Thank you- once he starts, he _never_ stops.”

“No problem.” The lights came back on and Rikku was still nowhere to be seen, the kid behind me yelped at what I’m assuming was my appearance. I was black from head to toe and the outfit was a tattered mess that stood up on various ends. I even had contacts in that made my entire eyes black. He probably hadn’t seen me yet and I probably just scared the crap out of him. “Everyone alright?” Naminé asked, coming out from the back. Everyone nodded, some avoided her eyes to keep from smiling. She sighed- then perked up. “…Where’s Rikku?” She looked over at me and I shrugged, shaking my head, looking worried. Vanille offered to go look in the bathroom, Marluxia said she wasn’t in the office- which was weird... The lights were in there, and we couldn’t really see… Plus she said she’d be in there and pretend to be hurt… After a bit, people started getting worried- hell _I_ started getting worried. I left the safety of the table with the kid and started looking around. “Rikku?!”  
“Rikku! Whea are yuu!”  
“Rikku! Come on this isn’t funny! Rikku!”  
“Roxas can you go check outside?” Marluxia asked me. I nodded and went for the door. I scanned, jogging down the small parking lot- stopped dead when I saw an arm sticking out from under a car. …This is a joke right? Right…? Oh fuck shit fucking hell nope fuck shut that better not be “RIKKU?!!!” I practically screeched, falling on my ass as she laid under the car, her face covered in wounds and her eyes rolled back into her head. I started shaking- violently. She was kidding… Right? Right? “R… Rikku…?” I attempted to poke her, but jumped back too quickly so I had to attempt to again. She didn’t move. She wasn’t blinking… Holy shit. This wasn’t funny… “Rikku…?” I poked her again… And she didn’t move. I started kicking myself back and away from her. No, no, no, no, no… No way… This was shit… You see in horror movies… Right? She… She’s not…

I started screaming.

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

“Jeeze, Rikku! Yuu wa supoused ta scea him, not tramataize ‘im!” Vanille scolded, rubbing my back. Naminé was kneeled down in front of me, her hands holding mine on her my lap. “Roxas you okay…? We’re sorry… We didn’t know she’s do all that… That wasn’t what we agreed to, honest…” Naminé tried. I was shaking and hadn’t stopped shaking. She had put contacts in and had been taking so long because she was fucking around with prosthetics and make up. Naminé and Vanille had asked Marluxia if it was alright to play a prank on me- he approved so long as it didn’t disturb the customers.

Turns out everyone got really scared. None of them knew she had switched up what she was supposed to do- which ultimately was scaring me, but not like that. She was just supposed to trick me into thinking we were the one’s pulling a prank while she went and disappeared for a while, freaking me out into thinking something had happened. She wasn’t supposed to do all of that afterwards and they knew something was wrong when she didn’t come out after she was supposed to. In turn, because I had started screaming like I had, everyone freaked the fuck out and ran outside to find me practically blacking out I was so mortified. They said I had screamed for a solid two minutes on full blast- even when Rikku had come out from under the car and tried to let me know she was alright.

“What? I thought this would freak him out more. I wasn’t expecting him to freak out like _that_!” She tried justifying. “Which is why I allowed something _simple_.” Marluxia scolded. “I already was aware that Roxas can get easily freaked out- just you missing for too long already had him practically hyperventilating.” Marluxia offered me a drink. I shook my head, still violently shaking. I couldn’t hold that right now- I’d drop it. He sighed and set it next to a table and left the kitchen, dragging Rikku with him. Naminé put a piece of my hair behind my ear. “We’re sorry… We’re so sorry, Roxas…” I shook my head, trying to force a smile that just kept dropping, so I kept my eyes on my lap.  
“I-It’s fine… It was just supposed to be a joke, she didn’t know…” She didn’t, and that’s all it was supposed to be. I was just the one that couldn’t deal with that kind of thing… Even as a kid when mom would try to take us to haunted house’s I’d come out sobbing and potentially peeing myself I had been so scared. A lot of the time it was so bad that the people working the house had someone walk us out and tell the other’s not to scare us. Sora always held my hand and I had always felt bad since I was so terrified. I always felt like I had ruined the houses for him since he had a blast in them. It was to the point where even now I refused to go because I’d freak and feel bad that I’d ruin his good time.

I know it’s fake... I know they’re supposed to be fun… But… They’re just… _Not_ to me… All I can think of is “What if that was my brother”- or even now someone else I cared about? What if it was Naminé, or Marluxia, or Vanille, or Rikku or… Or Axel. What if someone I cared about got hurt like that? Even when I convince myself to not think about things like that… The suddenness of it freaks me the hell out and makes my chest hurt, making me have a panic attack and… Nope. Nope. Not gonna cry, not gonna cry…

There was a knock on the door as it opened. “Hey, look at my little quivering shadow.” Came a light, buoyant voice. Axel walked over to me in two quick long strides and put both of his hands on either side of my face. “You okay?” He asked, pressing his forehead to mine. “…No…” I grumbled. Naminé let go of my hands and stood up. “..I’m gonna go see if everyone out there is alright. Will you be okay?” Before I could answer, Axel answered for me. “Course he will- He’s Roxas! Kid’s got a heart of lead, I swear.” He joked, letting out a laugh. “You can go too, if you want. Holding you up from work won’t do anyone any good.” He told Vanille. “…Yuu shura?” She asked. Axel nodded, and she left as well, but stopped in the doorway. “…Roxas? If yuu need anething, I’ll be right out thea, alrait?” I nodded, but didn’t look up.

When the door shut, Axel instantly got more attentive, using both hands on either side of my face to try to look me in the eyes as his smile dropped. He was worried… He was really worried… I know he didn’t live far away and all but… “…Marluxia call you?” I asked numbly. He nodded. “…You run over someone on your way here or something? I know you live nearby, but like…”

He kissed my forehead.

I didn’t move and waited for him to pull away. “…He called me the second he saw you shaking like that… He said it reminded him of the whole water-tower thing…” He said, almost as if he said it quietly enough, I wouldn’t notice. “… _He_ even sounded scared- it takes a lot to freak Marly out, believe it or not.” …I’d have to apologize to him later. Wait… Second he saw me freaking out like th- “…So you heard me?” I asked him. He furrowed his brows like he was trying to avoid that. So he came in scared and worried about me- not joking at all… “…Axel?” My voice croaked. “Yes?” It wasn’t a “Yeah”- it was a “yes”. He wasn’t being casual with me- he was worried about me… “…Can I have a hug?” He had me buried in his chest before there was even a moment’s breath to reply.

I started sobbing. “…Aw… No, Roxas… Don’t cry…” He pulled me away, wiping my tears. “You’ll mess up that cute little shadow get up you’ve got going on…” He said, kissing my forehead again and pulling my back into his chest, rubbing my back. This would be the part where I chided that that was all he cared about? Jerk. But… I knew he was doing it to try to kid around and make me feel better… Thinking about it… It’s weird… I try to avoid even crying in front of my own brother like this because I feel like I need to be strong for his sake. Yet with Axel… It just crumbles. I get angry and tired and let my guard down and cocky and upset and I sob like this… I let it all out. I never noticed that before… And I wanted to say something about that, but all that came out was; “…Axel? I hate you…” And his reply was to chuckle and stroke my hair, followed by; “…That’s okay.” …I guess I said that because I hated that he was the only person to make me feel honest with myself… I hated him for that. I hated him because he was able to make me let out so many feelings I had kept bottled up for so long… I hated him with all I had- and I needed that.

…I needed… I needed Axel.

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

Saturday we were Halloween Town characters and I hummed the theme song all day, occasionally getting asked to actually sing it. I turned them all down of course. Sunday, we were children’s stories. Vanille was Mary from “Mary Had a Little Lamb”, Rikku was Red Riding Hood, Naminé was Alice from “Alice in Wonderland”, Marluxia was “Mother Goose” and had managed to dress up as a sexy Goose (don’t ask… It’s a lot of feathers and make-up and it’s weird how shit like that can be worked…) and I was “The Boy Who Cried Wolf”. Naminé and I had either our current outfits or being Hansel and Gretel. I could tell she really wanted the Alice costume, so I agreed to make the Boy Who Cried Wolf work. I had “Liar” smacked on my back and I constantly cracked jokes with false information but made sure everyone knew. On occasion when I brought people their plates I would shout “WOLF!” And point near Rikku- who would scream and press herself up against the nearest wall or table. Honestly her reactions would get a chuckle out of me. She was trying really hard because of what happened yesterday…

There was an awkward tension between us because of that. I know she felt really bad… I had told her it was fine and to just forget about it… But she kept trying to make it up to me and it was more annoying than helpful and just kept making me feel awkward… I prefer when people drop things like that and don’t bring them up ever again. Dead and buried. Yup. Gone. She had already apologized to everyone who was in Oblivion at the time for worrying them on top of it. I know Axel probably yelled at her too if not sternly scolded her- but they don’t know I know and probably weren’t going to tell me.

“…You know… Now that I think about it, I’m the only one who wouldn’t be scared of a wolf.” Naminé said while she cleaned up a table. “…Oh yeah. You’d be more interested in a rabbit. Mother Goose would freak over being eaten, Mary would freak out because of her sheep, and Red is… Well Red. Plus my character practically revolves around one.” She nodded. “Un. It’s weird, really… But I guess I’m okay with it. I always kind of was the odd one out when it comes down to it.” I took the plates from her table. “…Then we should have been Hansel and Gretel- then we could have been the odd one’s out together.” She smiled, my comment clearly cheering her up. I howled at her and winked, making her giggle hysterically. She was a doll, I swear…

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

On Monday, we didn’t have to work. Thank god because I was fucking _exhausted._ And even better, lucky me on a Tuesday got to get out of all of my classes for helping set up the Halloween house (But it’s not like there were classes going on anyways). The seniors were in the auditorium watching a horror movie, the Juniors in the cafeteria doing the same, sophomores and freshman broken up into classes in one section of the school having a party of sorts, costumes for all grades optional. The other half of the school was unavailable for them to go into because that’s where we’d start setting things up- That and “headquarters” as the group had taken to calling it during projects (Mr. X’s room) was also in that section of the school. A couple of them were finishing watching the ending of the PSP version of the game.

I was surprised to see some of them already in costume. Zexion was the first one I noticed, sitting by a window with another book. I couldn’t tell if he was wearing a wig or not since the color was basically the same, and he could have cut his hair to the current style if he really wanted to… But the glasses suited him. I approached him from behind and peaked into his book. _“…It is possible to heal a person without them actually being physically present in the circle. This can be done by using one of the methods given in lesson eleven (dancing, chanting, cords, sex) taking the pow-_ “ He closed the book and I jumped back a little. “Can I help you?” He asked, looking up at me. The _fuck_ was he reading? “U-Um…” I took an extra moment or two to study him.

“…So how’s the skirt feel?” I asked after a moment with a lack of something better to ask. He was Naho, the book he had been reading tucked under his arm so the title was obscured. He stood up, pulling out a cellphone from one of the skirt pockets and hitting some buttons on it. “…I don’t understand why everyone thinks it’s such a big deal for a man to be seen in a skirt- it’s just an article of cloth that’s fashioned in a certain way. But in relation to your question, like a skirt, you’ll find out soon enough; There’s a list by the door.” He snapped his phone shut as he finished doing whatever he had been on it and exited promptly. At least he wasn’t as much of an ass as he could have been about it… His was just curt and kept it short. I watched him leave, then went over to the said sheet with who was who, it reading as such:

Satoshi Mochida: Luxord  
Naomi Nakashima: Marluxia  
Ayumi Shinozaki: Larxene  
Yoshiki Kishinuma: Axel  
Yuka Mochida: Lori (For those of you unaware, Luxord’s niece)  
Seiko Shinohara: Demyx  
Mayu Suzumoto: Roxas (this is as such for ironic reasons among other things)  
Sakutaro Morishige: Saïx  
Yui Shishido: Mr. Xemnas  
Naho Saenoki: Zexion  
Yuuya Kizami: Mr. Xigbar  
Sachiko: Naminé

I noticed there was no “Mr.” next to Luxord’s name, even though he was older than us. Then I noticed my name and who I was. I groaned and debated hiding in a closet… Sure enough, I was going to be wearing a skirt. I could see the attempts at cherilism now… I felt someone pat my head. “Be sure to stay out of the nurses’ office this time, yeah- for ironic reasons and that I also don’t want you actually getting hurt again.” I turned around slowly to look at Axel, already looking drained. He was in the uniform, his natural hair still out. Larxene was standing next to him in full-costume which oddly was more or less suited for her if not for the constant glare she seemed to be sporting.  
“Well, since we don’t have ghost children- officially- I guess you’re safe for now.” She added, smirking at me. “Officially” meaning they were to appear at random times from projectors. “However…” She clung to Axel’s arm, standing on her tiptoes to lean over his shoulder, and something about it made my chest tighten. “They _do_ say that on Halloween is when all of the spirits come out to play because the entire world basically provokes them to~” Axel rolled his eyes while I felt that she was also suited for her part with a creepy tone like that. “What are you turning into Zexion or something?”

She let go with a “Pheh!” Noise and stuck her tongue out. “That role suits him so much it’s not even funny! Stupid occultist…” She mumbled under her breath. “Is that what he’s always reading?” I asked Axel. “He’s just into ghost stories and tarot cards and witchcraft and all of that- and before you ask, it’s not satanic or evil like history makes it out to be. He made a big show of that when Demyx accidentally asked that out loud.” I heard shuffling from over by the projector that was playing the last of the Corpse Party PSP Let’s Play on a wall before said person came over. “Let’s not talk about that, please!” He said with a smile, but clearly a worried warning if nothing else. He wasn’t in costume yet. “Anyways, Roxas, in the closet over there,” Demyx said, pointing to a large brown wardrobe. “are the costumes, alphabetized by our name. You don’t have to change now, but I was told to tell you that the latest being when everyone starts leaving- if you need help with anything, hunt down Marluxia for now.” He informed me, to which I nodded. “Okay, I will.”

He nodded back and gave me a wide smile. “Cool. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m ditching to grab some food in the other end of the school real quick~” Larxene yanked him by the collar before he even made it to the door. “If you don’t want me spilling you better bring me something good or smothered in chocolate.” She warned, letting him go. He gave a nervous laugh, a weak nod, and ran out. Axel sighed. “He won’t have room for the food later if he keeps doing that.” Larxene looked up at him and raised an eyebrow. “Meaning he’s already done it?” Axel looked over at her without a word and she grew a devilish smile. “…You’re going to tell on him with the excuse of “well I didn’t tell on you for that time- but you went another time so that’s what I’m telling on you for” aren’t you?” He asked her with a flat look. She gave a nymph like giggle and skipped away, clearly in a good mood about getting someone else in trouble as well as getting some food herself. “…So what are _we_ eating later?” I asked after a moment. “Food that takes the typical Halloween fashion of appearing like body parts and _lots_ of it- and no, I didn’t make it.” Some part of me was honestly disappointed by that. “…But if you want,” He added as he started leaving the room, “I brought something in case you want to snack later.”

He threw a smile at me over his shoulder. I looked everywhere but him before giving him a sheepish smile. “…I feel like I’m becoming more and more obvious for you to read.” He shrugged as he stopped in the doorway. “Not really. I’m just trying really hard to get you to like me more and I’m just a man of habit- you’re just getting less agitated by said habits.” If this was one of those shoujo mangas or something, this would be the part where I flushed like a tomato and either suddenly stopped him form leaving for no reason, or called something sickeningly sweet after him as he left, or even kissed him. But it wasn’t, so he just left and I did nothing about it. I decided to find either Mr. Xemnas or another teacher who was in charge of this and ask what I could do to help out with the set up.

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

The bathrooms were going to be an issue for people. We only had one stall per gender open, the rest were locked with nooses hanging from each of them and heavy weights dressed like dead bodies to keep them closed and in case anyone decided to peek or try to crawl under. I had been helping Mr. Lexaeus set those up for about two and a half hours. I felt like I should have made more of a conversation with him, but any attempt was met with silent replies or short replies, so I eventually stopped and let the silence linger. After he hung the last corpse up and as I crawled out from underneath after locking it, he patted me on the head in a way that mused my hair. “…Good work.”

…It kind of made my chest hurt and head spin. I wasn’t used to things like fatherly recognition or praise, so I took it with a faint nod and he quietly left the room in a stoic manner, leaving me to shake myself out of my haze and follow after and back to “headquarters” to see what else I could help with. Mr. Xemnas told me to help hunt down Axel and give him the list he handed to me of things he needed to go buy quickly as well as find Marluxia and ask him about when he could go get Naminé or just send him instead of having to relay messages. I didn’t mind message relaying- running around kind of made me feel like I was doing something. I started hunting for Marluxia and called Axel on my phone, getting his answering machine. I hung up and texted him “ _call me when you get a sec, I have a list for you of shit you need to come get from me.”_ then pocketed my phone.

Marluxia was actually running errands for other teachers when I found him, telling me “I can get her whenever she’s wanted- she doesn’t have school.” I headed down the hall and back to Mr. X’s room, feeling my phone go off in my pocket. “… _I believe the world is burning to the ground~♪_  
oh well~♪  
I guess we’re gonna find ou-♪”  
“Hello?” I asked, cutting into it. There was a moment of pause. “…Well if that isn’t the cutest damned ringtone for me.” I spun around as the voice in the recovered echoed in the hallway. “I thought you said you weren’t going to acknowledge that summer event.” He smirked, closing the phone and approaching me while I scowled at him. “…I couldn’t think of anything else to use, it’s only temporary.” He chuckled and threw his arm around my shoulders. “ _Sure_ it is. So you said you had a list for me?” I rummaged through my pockets for the folded piece of paper, presenting it to him after I located it. He unfolded it and sighed. “He couldn’t have given this to me _before_ I changed into this?” He mumbled, scowling at it and sighing as he put it into his pocket. “Wanna come with?” He offered while I removed him from me. “I’ve got a message to deliver.”

He pouted- as in, over exaggeratingly putting his lip out and making puppy dog eyes at me. “Well what about afterwards?” I shrugged. “Maybe.” I replied, starting to head back. It was about a good three steps before he replied to me. “…If you don’t want to go, you just have to say so.” I stopped and turned towards him, looking angry, then letting it melt to hurt that he’d said it the way he had, then just… I just sighed. “…It’s not that I didn’t want to go with you I just… I just like being able to do something here…” …I liked feeling useful in a way where if I failed to do so, it wouldn’t result in me being hurt… There was another moment of pause while I counted the seconds after a good three or four… Seven more before he walked over to me and leaned down to my level and tapped his cheek. I looked at him confused. “Come on now, give me a kiss goodbye at least~” He taunted. I raised a skeptical eyebrow at him, then smirked and leaned away a bit, crossing my arms. “Close your eyes.” He did as he was told within seconds and I felt kind of bad, but at the same time like what I was going to do was kind of obvious…

I quickly and quietly licked the ends of each of my fingers on one hand, then made a mouth with them and went to go press it to his cheek- but he grabbed my wrist and kissed my cheek. Okay so maybe he did know and went far enough to humor me… “Sorry, but if you won’t give me one willingly, then I’ll just have to keep stealing them.” I flushed and scowled at him, yanking my arm away and storming down the hallway, harshly wiping my cheek.

Asshole… What if someone saw that…?

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

…Naminé was here within a half hour, carrying a small, tan school bag that she proceeded to neatly pull the contents from and arrange on the table. “Okay, who’s my first victim?” She asked, whipping around and putting her hands on her waist. “Don’ know, but I’m last and hoping to get stuck with Marluxia instead of _you_.” Larxene said, promptly exiting. I gave her an unpleased look and then shot Naminé an apologetic one. She gave me a weak smile. “No worries- she’s like a bitchy older sister- sorry for the curse, but it’s the only accurate and appropriate word to describe her.” I chuckled at her, replying with a, ”Have you heard me talk at all?” then wandering over and inspecting the things she had set up. A flat iron, a vast sea hair products, a life time supply of make-up, enough bobby-pins to drown a toddler, and even enough fake blood to flood the first floor with… I nodded at it, a pretty decent set up.

“So you get a chance to see the list?” She gave a quick and eager nod. “Yup! Marluxia took a picture for me when it was first up- but um... I didn’t get why yours was “ironic”… But you being dressed as a girl will be interesting.” She giggled at me, and the look on her face said she had already imagined it if not more than once. That’s right- she only saw the PC version… I groaned and put both of my hands over my face. “It’s ironic because without Mayu, no one would have even gone to Heavenly Host. She’s the reason Ayumi went and got the charm in the first place in the PSP version. She was moving away and Ayumi wanted them to be together, even if she was someplace far away. You can pull it up on the projector if you want and watch the first little bit.” I offered while she hummed, listening to me explain. “So you got stuck with her because you’re the one who mentioned it in the first place, right- making you start the entire thing, just like Mayu?” I used my arms to push me up so I could sit on the top of a desk. “…Basically.” She flashed me a smile. “Well lucky you!”

It wasn’t really… But I didn’t want to hurt her feelings and object, so I just stayed quiet and watched everyone in the room. It stayed quiet for a minute before Naminé sighed. “Alright. I guess it’s time for me to go and do my job or watch the first clip of the other part of the game before I have to get covered in body paint.” That’s right… Sachiko was gray all over since she was dead. “Well if you need help, feel free to let me know.” She gave me her usual wonderfully warm smile and nodded. “I will.”

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

Lori, the little girl who was going to be Yuka and Luxlord’s niece, came about a good two hours later when everyone was eating. By now, it was around two-ish. People would be leaving in an hour or so… Meaning in an hour or less, I had to start sporting the skirt… Ugh… Lori was this tiny little blonde girl who looked kind of Finnish, her face adorned in freckles and wide blue eyes. She had just woken up from a nap and was clinging to Luxord and burying her face in his shoulder, who was supporting her with one arm. “Lori, be polite and say hello to everyone.” She shook her head with a small little grunt. He sighed. “…Lori, if you don’t I’ll put you down.” She started protesting with words this time. “Noooooooo!” He sighed, narrowing his eyes at her. “Then say hello.” She looked over at us all, clearly displeased by us and her having to greet us. “…Hello…” she said bitterly. She was either greeted, waved to, or ignored. Luxord sat down with us and Lori still in his lap, making two plates, one for him, one for her. He ate over her and she eventually turned around and started eating.

By the time the hour or so was up, I took my clothes into the bathroom, opening the only open stall. “You’re in the wrong bathroom girly~!” Larxene called in after me. I rolled my eyes. Ha ha, funny… I had an issue as to where the skirts zipper was, and my boxer’s kept showing at the bottom… The shirt was fine, but I put my pants back on and came out, a bit embarrassed. “…Marluxia…”I grumbled through gritted teeth. “Bottom of the wardrobe is an unopened package, grab one.” I left without another word, embarrassingly grabbing a pair of brief that were even more to my horror as well as even further embarrassment would actually fit me. He thought _this_ far ahead and _knew_ what pair would fit…! …I’m gonna cry.

I buried them under the skirt in my arms and went to the bathroom and finished changing. I came out and wanted to murder someone… I’d take the hedgehog at work over the cross dressing any day… I came into the room and ignored the whooping and whistles from a few of the group members. “You know it’s a shame I’m not Morishige- I’d look at you on my phone all day long ~” I threw my pants at him. “Sicko!” Morishige had a picture of splattered Mayu on his phone and Mayu called him from the dead saying “Don’t look at my insides”, therefore having Axel turn a reference into a sex joke. Axel laughed as he caught them, fixing them up and putting them in the wardrobe.

Everyone else finished either eating or changing and started getting their make up on. It just dawned on me that I kind of asked Olette to come and bring the guys… Well shit. I’d really, _really_ prefer if they didn’t… “I’m gonna go set up the music, be back in a bit, kiddies~!” Larxene called, running out of the room. Naminé had pulled me aside and helped me pin down my hair in order to put a wig on. Neither her nor Marluxia wanted to touch Axel’s hair with a 20 foot pole, but Marluxia got stuck with it in the end. By the time Naminé was done with me I wanted to cry. “…Naminé the only reason I’m not crying right now is because I don’t want to fuck up your schedule and so you won’t have to redo the make-up and it’s really good and if I don’t open my mouth I really look like a girl I’m gonna cry…” I ranted, looking at myself in the mirror. Naminé puffed her cheeks as she tried to hold down her laughter. “…You know, I’m _really_ upset I’m not Morishige.” Axel said, slinging an arm around me and looking at my reflection as well. Marluxia dragged him away by his collar to finish his hair.

…I was pretty… I was _really_ pretty… I’m gonna kill myself. “…Where’s the nurse’s office, I’m done…” I grumbled, walking towards the door, completely done with life. I felt someone drag me away and put me in there lap. “Axel, cut it ou-“  
“I’m over here.” He said, waving to me from where Marluxia had put his set up. His head was yanked back into place. I looked up at who turned out to be Saïx. “…I’m only doing this to make him mad.” Okay I guess that was a relie- HEY! He was using me! “…You two are so alike I could vomit.” He nodded. “Mm-hm. I hate it too.” I rolled my eyes and pried myself away from him. “Nope- let’s hear your Mayu voice- then I’ll let you go.” I looked up at him with puffed up cheeks. No. Fuck you. “…J-Jerk!” I tried. He stifled a laugh and let me go. “That was so pathetic I can’t even…”

Naminé fixed him up next, covering the scar on his face and giving him fake glasses. He actually didn’t look too bad… Larxene had managed to fix the music and came back in with Demyx and however many snacks in tow he had stored away. I watched Naminé and Marluxia fix everyone else up while some of the other’s worked on themselves. Lori and Naminé were the last to be worked on, and by that time we all had to go get ready to scare the shit out of everyone.  
“Alright, once last announcement, kiddos!” Mr. Xigbar called, clapping his hands to get everyone’s attention. “Now, keep in mind not everyone has played this game. Our job is to scare the shit out of ‘em regardless, yeah? Now, because of that fact, Xaldy didn’t play it. He’s gonna let ya know if you’ve been relying too much on the assumption of people knowing the game or not. Now keep in mind non’a this is scripted- make shit up! Have fun with it! Go bananas- fuck go apricot if you want! Just have fun makin’ little kiddos aside from our’s cry, yeah? Hell, even scare each other. Fuckin’ crazy over here,” He motioned to himself. “Is probably gonna chase a good deal of cryers tonight- so you do the same and keep the energy up! Now, if only these damn wigs would stop itchin’, right?” He said with a chuckle. “Alright let’s go make some kid piss his pants!” He jeered, earning some claps from everyone else. “Di-fuckin-smissed!”

Everyone left to get into their positions or posts. “…You know he’s probably going to chase you too, right?” Saïx said as he walked with me for a bit. “…Yeah, I figured…” I was mainly stationed around the bathroom and nurses area, so out of anybody, if I had to go, I was the luckiest minus Demyx. Also I guess it was a good thing I was by the nurses office in case I seriously wigged out. “…You should put Axel on speed dial tonight, if only just in case.” He warned, heading upstairs. “…I guess.” I grumbled, pulling my phone out. “…Or even me- I’ll have it out a lot tonight considering my character, so if you message me, I’ll be more likely to see it.” I nodded. “Okay.” I didn’t mind doing that for Saïx- Axel made me a bit uncomfortable just because of the weird “friendship borderline something else” relationship we had.

Saïx was up the last flight of stairs, his footsteps faded… And I was alone. How the hell… Did Mayu do this…? This was fucking mortifying… Being all alone in place like this… Jeeze I never gave her character enough credit! We had went ballistic with the scenery, so this was seriously unsettling… Mr. Xemnas even had a lot of students leave their lockers open if nothing was in them or if they could empty them out. The floors were naturally a dark brown, the windows were seriously nailed shut and covered in this nasty fog crap, and the walls were covered in this washable brown crap. Some stair cases had copper wire spray painted silver wrapped around it enough to block it, but it was clearly visible with a sign. We also had maps pointing out things that could potentially be hazardous among the main attractions- one staircase was packed with desks, the single stall in the bathroom thing, the copper wire… The whole school was up for grabs to be explored. A lot of set up was done yesterday, but our real job came today. The decorations would be left until the weekend- where we’d have to clean it up. However, the windows would have to be unlocked either at the end of the night or early tomorrow.

The maximum number of people in a group was four. After that you were on your own. Xaldin, Mr. Vexen, and Mr. Lexaeus were in charge of tickets and keeping an eye on how many people were inside or if they needed help getting out. It was about five-thirty when we started, and the music as well as being alone was freaking me out. Larxene had omitted all of the pleasant sounding tracks from the Soundtrack, leaving all of the unsettling ones… My ears strained past the music to listen for something… Anything… Then I realized… I didn’t have to wait for them. Mayu didn’t sit around- why should I? It was actually worse to do that… Then this anxious feeling kept eating away at my stomach.

I started walking around and my shoes echoed on the floors. The first thing I wandered into was a “hole in the floor”. Holes in the floor meant that you couldn’t go that way without a “plank”. Planks were thick pieces of wood the size of bricks that the woodshop kids had cut and were put into a kind of mail box shaped holder that only accepted that shape, size, and weight to activated the pulley system they made. The Art kids had painted the make-shift doors for us so they looked like there was just a hallway and the floor with a large hole through it there. Because of that, it forced people to go looking for “planks” in classrooms and not just run through it. Surprisingly, Zexion had been the one to suggest a kind of “toll” where the holes in the floor were. Mr. Xigbar offered up his woodshop class, and Mr. Xemnas offered the paint option to the Art Club kids for community service hours- enough so that they wouldn’t have to do anything else for the year so long as they completed on time. They were all over that.

I sighed. Great. Should I go plank hunting? Demyx had put them in random places, so who knows where I would find one… The “planks” were there on removed by us at various times throughout the night and put in various locations. Apparently, this was the one I was in charge of. We could literally just put it in the middle of the hallway if we wanted. However, if people were having issues and broke down and asked us, we had to still stay in character, but lead them around a bit in a hunt for the one we had hidden. We had each been given a few spares and a decent amount was left in Mr. X’s room just in case something happened to the ones in use.

I heard screaming coming from somewhere in the house and figured we got our first customers of the night- or at least the first screamers.

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

I screamed and ran down the hallway, hating being in a skirt and hating my current situation. I nearly fell into a pair that were in the house, screaming “RUN!” To them while I did my best to not die. Mr. Xigbar. Mr. Motherfucking. Xigbar. Saïx had warned me! Totally had! I heard laughter from behind me. “RUN, RABBIT, RUN!” He yelled, imitating his character. Shit, shit, shit! I gotta hide! Where did Yuuka…? My mind was pulling blanks and all I could think of was the fact that she had been so scared that she had peed herself. Didn’t she lose him and find her brother? Son of a fuck…

I saw a person all by themselves and screamed “HELP MEEE!” My voice was up a few octaves from honestly screaming and being a little panicked. I practically fell in front of them and then scurried into the bathroom. Bathroom! If I go into one of the corpse stalls then…! Then! …This was the girls bathroom. Are cross dressers allowed in the gi- “Wheeeerrreee aaarreee yooouuuu~?” YES MOST DEFINITELY YES IN THIS KIND OF SITUATION FUCK. HOW LONG HAD HE BEEN CHASING ME FOR?! He was seriously _way_ too into character! I pulled out my phone and almost messaged Axel- then decided to call Saïx instead. “Hello?” The reply was almost instantaneous. “Help. Me. I’m in the first floor girls bathroom and-“ The door banged open and I smacked my hand over my mouth. I hung up the phone, thinking I would text him- but then again my buttons were kinda sticky… Shit…! Should I have left it on? No I told him where I was and what if he spoke? …Or called back? Fuck! I turned my phone off, burying it in my pocket. Please go away, please go away, please go away…

I heard his shoes click… They walked passed my stall… Then left the bathroom. I waited… And waited… And heard the door open again. Please don’t let it be him, please don’t let it be him… “Roxas?” Oh thank god. I sighed and stood up on the toilet I had been perched on. “Is he gone?” I asked Saïx from over the side. “Yup. Chasing some customers now.” I sighed again and crawled out from under the stall. “…Ah…! My god I felt like I was gonna piss myself, he’s fucking scary!” Saïx laughed and rubbed my back. “Sorry. At least you know he’s good at what he does. Come on- lets go before someone catches me in here.” Right… Because I at least _looked_ like a girl. Saïx didn’t. “…Thanks.” He nodded. “No problem.”

We came out of the bathroom and no one was in sight, but the music for the piano room was playing. I started walking back to the nurses office, my legs quivering from all of the running. “…Seriously I hate these things… Remind me to never do this again…” I grumbled more or less to myself as I looked around. “You don’t like haunted houses?” Saïx asked me. I shook my head. “Never did. I thought maybe if I was working one, I wouldn’t be so scared but… Turns out I was wrong. They still freak me out and Mr. Xigbar is no help whatsoever…”

Saïx hummed while he walked me to my station. “…I’m sorry. I wish I could offer some kind of condolence, but the only person I can think of who could do something like that would be Zexion. I’m sure if you ask he’d probably have a protection charm on him or something.” …What seriously? “Seriously?” Saïx nodded. “Today of all days? Of course. I’m sure he could give you a lecture as well if you want, but I doubt he’d be bothered by your asking for one. He’s in the library right?” I nodded. “Alright. I’ll walk you to where my staircase is then you’re on your own, alright?” I nodded again. “…Thanks…” I mumbled again. “No need to thank me. The least he would have done is probably throw you over his shoulder and haul you down the hallway with your panties showing and tie you up and throw you in a closet somewhere.”

“YOU SAID “LEAST” NOT “WORSE”!” I screamed, pointing an accusing finger. He snickered, nodding. “He’s been known to go a little wild- but he would never physically harm you- …too badly I suppose. If your knight in shining armor can’t reach you, you should always have Lexaeus number on hand- he’s quiet, but he’d be there without any consideration for the consequences to himself- it’s his downfall really...” Saïx said, more or less mumbling the last part. We walked in silence the rest of the way to his staircase. He went the opposite way while I went to the library to find Zexion and awkwardly ask for some help. Seriously this sounds weird… Asking for stuff like this…

I found him, buried among some sinister looking books with a girl asking for help. “…Like I seriously quit and I can’t get out without a plank so can you _please_ help me…?” She asked, shaking. Zexion seemed to ignore her as he wandered down a shelf, reaching in and pulling out a book and handing it to her, never looking up from his. “…A book?” She asked, feeling like he was fucking with her. He nodded. She opened it- and it was hallowed, a plank inside. Her eyes grew wide and she hugged him. “Oh my god thank you~! Seriously I was on the verge of tears I was so scared! _Never_ doing this kind of thing alone again!” She was out of the room within seconds and headed for her exit.

“…Can I help you?” Zexion said, closing his book and looking up at him. Welp, guess I was more worthy of his time than a random person… Was kinda nice actually. Now, time for the awkward askings of things… “Um… Saïx said I could ask you for like this… I don’t know what did he call it… Um… Charm thing?” I asked, stupidly avoiding the word when I knew what it was. “…You scared?” He asked me, smirking. …I shouldn’t have asked him for shit. I turned on my heel to leave. “…If you leave, I won’t give you anything.” I stopped. Fuck him, seriously. I sighed and turned around while he went over to a small table and rummaged through a bag, pulling out a small, corked glass bottle on a chain. “Here.” He offered it to me. There were weird kinds of plants and stuff inside… “…What’s in it?” I asked, eyeing the contents. “I doubt you’d remember nor really care, so I won’t bother to answer you. However, consider it like extracting properties of plants and using them to create a protection spell.” I looked at him confused. The hell did that mean…?

He sighed. “Think of it like this- you take the brains of a bookwork, originality of an artist, and skill of a seamstress and you can make any design on paper look like you just bought it right out of the store. If you take the physique of a jock, strategic of a chess player, and analytic ability of a scientist, you have the perfect coach. It’s like that only with plants. Each plant does something different or has a different quality of meaning to it. You take the ones you need for a specific spell and…” He waved his hand in the air. “Alright go and don’t break it.” I nodded, putting it on and leaving. “…Um… Thanks.” I called to him before leaving. He just waved me off again while reading his book. It was more than what he ever gave that girl, so I guess it meant he acknowledged my presence, I guess? Regardless, I went back down to the nurse’s office.

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

I wanna say it was around seven thirty when Sora came in with Riku and Kairi in tow. He was screaming like a baby, but clearly having fun. Riku would occasionally jump at things while Kairi was set on exploring every nook and cranny- or so they said about the other while they stopped to see me. “This place came out great! And that’s saying a lot considering it was a school thing! Was it this good last year, Sora?” Kairi asked him while they all sat on a nurse’s bed with me. “Oh yeah you were sick… Yeah, it was good! This one is a lot better though- and I’m not just saying that ‘cuz Roxas is in it!” He said, flashing me a smile. “Speaking of… It any easier to work it than it is to go through it?” He asked me, tipping my head. I shook my head and gave him a tired smile. “Nope. Not doing this senior year.” He chuckled at me while Riku finished looking around the room. “…Plank hoarder.” He accused, but only had one. “Hey, don’t blame that on me- that’s in case crazies lose or steal some.”

“Oh my god, speaking of crazy- who’s the nut chasing kids?” Kairi asked, seeming shocked by that fact. I groaned and flopped onto the bed. “Mr. Xigbar… I was in the girls bathroom hiding from him for twenty minutes because he had chased me too.” Riku snickered and lightly kicked my knee. “Come on, girly. You got this.” I flipped him off. “Nope. So taking going to bed when I get home…” I grumbled. “Oh yeah, before I forget! What time you done?” Sora asked. I used my arms to help my body sit up, swinging them forward. “Like nine-ish- I’ll text you.” He nodded. “Okay- so let’s see some Mayu acting before we go!” He prodded. I groaned and flopped back over. “Nope. This Mayu is splattered on the bed…”

…Then a blue light appeared in the corner of my eyes. I shot up and glanced over at it. No, no, no, no… Or so I forced myself to think. I screamed, darting out of the room and almost tripping over myself and ran down a hallway screaming. I wiggled behind another wall the art kids had made to look like a dead end, but was actually for us to pull some tricks behind. I mean, one of my “dead kids” had shown up in the nurse’s office, may as well pull out all the stunts. I did what I had to behind it, flopping down into the mess on the floor, the entire time screaming to keep them coming. I had actually gotten pretty good at cutting it off mid-scream for the most part- and that was because my voice was fading the later it got.

“…Roxas?” I heard Sora call. He was then what I’m assuming was lectured by Riku to call me in character. “Oh, right! Mayu! Mayuuuuu! Yuumaa- OH CRAP!” Yup. Totally dead. My second shirt was torn and covered in blood, revealing these nasty prosthetics Naminé had put on me. There were fake, but really wet and bloody stomach parts in my general location while I laid in a pool of fake blood with all white contacts in. Kairi screamed and I saw her fall on the floor. “…Duuuude…” Riku said, completely stunned. “…Can I poke that holy crap…” He asked, pointing to my stomach. I couldn’t help it- I broke character and laughed. “Go for it.”

He hesitantly poked me while Sora looked like he was going to throw up. “…That is fucking _nasty._ It really looks like you’re missing bits, hooooly shhhhit...!” He hissed, inspecting it. “And where the hell are your clothes oh my god Roxas your house is sick as shit hooooly fuck…” The entire time Sora looked like he was gonna puke. But he kept staring at me. “…Where… Are my brother’s eyeballs…?” He asked, holding my face and inspecting it while Kairi kept back- “fake or not, fuck that” is what I’m assuming her current motto was. I laughed, pulling myself away from him. “They’re contacts, s’okay.” I patted his head and stood up. “Okay, scat. Gotta change back or put my “splat” wall up.” I said, shooing them away with my hands. Sora tipped his head. “…Splat wall?” I nodded. “Back up, I’ll show you.” They did as they were told, and I hit a button that was pretty low down so it wasn’t noticeable to others- triggering a wall that dropped that had nasty prosthetics all over it that made it look like a person had been thrown into it.

I heard Sora gag and Kairi held down a shriek. “…Holy shit Roxas I’m so jealous you’re working this right now, chick or not, my fucking god…” Riku gaped. I changed behind it, a smile on my face. This was nice actually… I put the contacts back in their case and squirted some saline solution into my eyes. The contacts weren’t needed every time, but on occasion they were a cool affect. Other times I could just convulse or seize and die or something. I put the wall up, coming out and looking normal. “…I hate you so much right now words cannot describe.” Riku said, looking at my normal appearance while a nasty pile of fake guts and blood stood behind me. I gave him a wide smile. “Well I’m sure if you really want to, you can put on a skirt at home and eat ketchup.” He lightly slugged my arm. “Dick.” Kairi’s eyes were trained on the gunk on the floor.  
“…That’s really nasty, I’m out. Nope. Bye. Come on, Sora.” She said, pulling him away. I think it finally registered in her brain… Sora chuckled and waved to me. “Bye! Message me when you’re done!” He reminded, Riku following not too far behind. I nod, waving to him. When they were gone, I felt this uneasy feeling start growing in my stomach and working its way up to my chest again… I gently pulled out the necklace from my shirt, inspecting it. Yup. Not broken. I put it back for now and went to the infirmary. …Ugh… Isn’t it time to go home yet…?

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

The rest of the night was… Well I couldn’t say “uneventful”- the entire event was. I guess it was just nothing you’d want to mention because it was the same thing in different levels and variations several times. When we were all changing back, I gave Zexion the necklace. “Thanks.” I said again. He looked at it and then continued collecting his clothes. “Keep it. I can always make more.” He stated simply. I looked down at it, then back up at him. Saying “are you sure?” would be kind of dumb considering he just said he could make more. “Um… How long does it… “Work” for then?” Zexion closed his eyes and looked like he was trying not to smile at me. “So long as you don’t break it- even if the plants die. Consider it like killing someone and keeping their body in an air tight space- once you open it, that’s when all of the toxic fumes come out.” …That was a morbid example, but alright. “…Thanks.”

“If I have to hear you say that one more time, I’ll take it.” He threatened- but I could tell he was joking. “Well I’m only saying it because I mean it.” I replied honestly. He waved me away again and I left him to his business. Naminé was scrubbing herself the best she could for now to remove all of the body paint. She had only put it on visible locations- but even then that was still a decent amount. “…I’m not going through the drive-thru looking like this.” I heard her say to Marluxia. “Oh, please. They won’t even see you.” She shot him a look and he rolled his eyes, folding up his clothes. I messaged Sora, and he said mom would be there soon. He was in too much of a candy coma to come with. I caught myself rolling my eyes and laughing at how much of a dork my brother could be. Gotta love him, though…

Larxene complimented me on my way out, saying it was the best idea in a long time and she was glad she could help me convince the others. Axel blew me a kiss like a tool, Naminé waved goodbye, Marluxia reminded me to wash my face and stomach when I got home. I was tired… But I had fun with them. I guess even getting chased was fun in its own right. I sat outside in the crisp night air, waiting for my psychopathic mother to come get me. She was there in about twenty minutes and we went home without much issue. I caught Shangri-La from the soundtrack in my head and hummed it while I took a shower and flopped down in bed and went to sleep.

…But then I heard mom calling me downstairs. I sighed and got up, going into the living room where she was watching some old horror flick. “Yeah, mom?” I asked, just wanting to go to bed. “…Have fun dressed like a girl and whoring it around school for a few hours?” She asked casually- like she had just asked me if I enjoyed lunch. “…W-What?” She turned off the TV. “…You heard me. Don’t think I didn’t notice, and your brother told me.” God damn it Sora… Good mood or not, there’s just some shit we don’t tell mom! “I-I wasn’t-“ She narrowed her eyes at me and I shut up.

Honestly… compared to home… I’d prefer to live in that school, even if I really was all by myself… With the music and the blood and dead children and corpses… I’d take that over her. She got up and smacked me and said that if I wanted to be a girl, she could treat me like one. “I’ll go out right fucking now and hire someone to fuck you- is that what you want?” I shook my head as fast as I could. “Well clearly it is if you’re dressing like some… Some fucking _floosy whore_.” She spat. I didn’t reply… I just let her yell- no… She wasn’t yelling… She wouldn’t be rude enough to Sora for that… “I mean if you want to be a whore the least you could do is use the money to buy groceries or something.” She scoffed. “You know, why don’t you stay out of school tomorrow? Just rest it all up and go out tomorrow and get fucked by some nasty drunk with some really disgusting looking STD and stuck his dick for a few bucks.” …All because I was assigned as Mayu… I would never… Never do this again… I…

She pushed me and I stumbled backwards, but refused to fall over, even as tired as I was. It was my one rebellion against her… She narrowed her eyes and then rolled them, storming past me. Was she… Going to bed…? I turned my head to look over my shoulder at her. She glanced back and I turned my gaze to the TV. There were hurried, angry footsteps towards me- and she pushed me and I fell over because of how exhausted I was.

…I heard something crunch as she stormed off to bed. …It broke… The charm Zexion gave me just shattered in my shirt. And there was real blood on me now. I cleaned up the glass shards and plants, cleaned up my blood, removed the glass from my body, washed it, covered it with a large band aid and then went to bed. …I was too drained from being around her to even get really upset over it… I just wanted to sleep…  
I pulled out my phone and messaged Marluxia. “ _Tell Zexion I’m sorry… It broke._ ” I turned my phone off and went to bed. I’m sorry… I didn’t even have it for a day before it shattered… I’m so sorry… Who knows what kind of plants he had to put into that… They could have been rare or hard to grow or something… He put time and effort into that and… And I couldn’t even keep it for 24 hours before I broke it… God I’m so useless… I’m sorry… I’m sorry… “…I’m sorry…” I’m sorry…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> End A/N: So for those of you who have played FFX-2, yes Rikku was wearing her Samurai dressphere. Zexy baby’s book excerpt was from a real book, “Buckland’s Complete Book of Witchcraft”. I literally just opened to a random page and started copying it. …S’a good section, really… Good book entirely actually. I could go off on a rant here, but I won’t. (Doubt many of you actually read this anyways.) The song that Roxas had as Axel’s ringtone was How Far We’ve Come by Matchbox Twenty.


	16. Wearing Someone Else’s Shoes and Borrowing Faces

Chapter XV: Wearing Someone Else’s Shoes and Borrowing Faces

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

Idioms are weird. We usually know what they mean, but if that’s the case, why say them? Is it how people prefer to communicate? By being complicated and referencing dead and drinking horses, eggs and hell in baskets, iron stomachs and feeling guts, driving up walls, and borrowing faces and ears? It’s weird… Why can’t people just speak simply? Why does everything always have to be over complicated? Why can’t it just be “this hurts, this doesn’t, this is black, this is white”. What the hell is up with “this feels weird and this is gray”? Why does that kind of thing even exist? Wouldn’t it be easier to define things and talk like that? Wouldn’t it?

…But I guess… I can kind of see the counter argument too because it can’t always be like that… Sometimes you feel the pain, but you don’t bleed. Sometimes it’s black, but there are darker shades than the one you’re talking about. So I guess people came up with things for all of the things in between… But why so many? Why expand there? It’s to the point where the gray is mixing with this other color that shouldn’t even be there and it makes my head hurt… Why does everything… Have to be so complicated? But me of all people complaining about it would just be looking a gift horse in the mouth with all of these awkward feelings I have to deal with.

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

“Alright, so I’ve heard through the grape vine that you all think the little project I gave you in September was too hard- that or you’re just going to blow it off until last minute.” Ms. Hikaru started, pacing the room with her arms crossed. “So, I’ve decided to give you something similar- pair up in either twos or threes- twos if you can help it- and pick a song to show that person tomorrow.” She stopped pacing and stood to face us, getting excited again. “Explain why you like it- why you picked it to show them. Explain to them… What _dragged you in_ about it. Was it the beat? The melody? The words? The rhythm? A band or artist you like made it? What made _you_ pick that song to show your partner? Thinking about it for…” She glanced at the clock. “Twenty minutes and make a list of potential songs or artists to pick from. This will be your class participation for today. After that, we’ll resume our lesson.”

Everyone scurried around like mice, still on their sugar-highs from yesterday, to find their friend to share music they’ve probably already shown them once or twice- now they just got to rant about it too. I heard a chair scoot. And again… And again. “…Will you just get over here and stop being a dumb ass?!” I hissed at Axel- he stopped, mid move and laughed, picking up his chair and placing it next to mine. “Hello~” He cooed, throwing his arm over my chair. “…No. Nope. I’ve had enough harassment for the week.” I said, removing his arm from me. In doing so, I caught Olette out of the corner of my eye, just sitting by herself. Alone. By herself. …Fuck. Why do I feel obligated…?  
I mean, yeah Axel could be a thorn in my side and all… But I was used to him and his antics by now. I was more or less just putting up with him, so I didn’t mind being his partner… Olette… She didn’t have anybody. She was probably the kid that always got stuck with the teacher as a partner all the time. I sighed. “…Yo, Olette.” She glanced up from her notebook, a bit shocked I called out to her. “…You gonna come over or what? Your imaginary friend can just be partners with his.” I said, shoving a thumb in Axel’s direction.

“Hey!” He put my thumb down and she bit back a smile as she scurried over with her chair and paper. It was awkward for a minute, but Axel was too dense to read moods or just managed to create his own all the time. “So, moosicks… Sicks moo, muuuuuseee… Muse. You like Muse, right?” He asked me, remembering a not too long ago reference in this class. “Yeah, now shut up and make a song list.” Olette turned her notebook to a new page. “You guys need paper?” She asked. Axel shook his head. “Nah, I’m okay. Got it all up here.” He tapped his temple. “…You know it’s being graded right?” Olette confirmed. “Leave him, he’s a thick as a tree sometimes…” She hid her smile behind her notebook. “Paper?” She asked me. I had paper but... If it was being offered, why waste mine? “Sure.”

She tore a page out- even went so far as to remove the annoying fray on the edge of it before giving it to me. “Okay, so, since we’re partners and all, is there any genre you’d prefer? I mean I’d hate to make you listen to something you can’t really tolerate! Now that I think about it, didn’t we all have similar composers or something in September?” Theeeeeeeere she goes… I let her talk and started on my list. Axel leaned back in his chair and indulged her.  
“Well, I feel like that shouldn’t matter- if you like it that much, the least the other person could do is tolerate a few minutes of their day to listen to it. So just… Be sure to pick something you really like, alright?” He said, flashing her a smile- why did that make me want to hurl? …I’m not jealous. Nope. Not. Work. Music. Yup. Music. Totally writing… Nothing. Writing absolutely nothing right now… Ugh…

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

Olette chatted our ears off the entire class until Ms. Hikaru clapped and got all of our attention. We had a brief chat about what she did yesterday on Halloween. It was “brief” because it was mentioned then she was onto the next thing. “Oh yeah, sorry we couldn’t make it! The guys were having too much fun to even be bothered with it. They’re in high school and still go trick-or-treating! Seriously it’s kind of annoying and they’re always really rowdy… Although they give me some of their candy even without me having to ask... N-Not to say by going to the haunted house it would be bothersome! It was just by the time that we thought of it we were way out and it was kind of late and… I’m sorry! If you want I took pictures! Hayner was a vampire king and Pence was his minion. I went as Cleopatra, but by the time the night was over I had gotten some of their make up on me too- it was a disaster! Say how old were you guys when you stopped trick-or-treating- or do you still go?” And so on.  
Axel actually said he just buys a shittons of the stuff on sale afterwards and eats it then. Sora and I probably had to stop in the middle of junior high school. The last thing we were… Was a dragon and a knight. He was the dragon with ridiculously long sleeves and pinned up pants while I almost cried because the helmet kept coming down suddenly and I kept tripping because of it. I think part of the reason why she said we couldn’t go anymore was because I kept falling and because Sora kept asking for help with things that required his hands.

After, the day went on as normal minus the occasional compliment about the house or snicker about the cross dressing. I didn’t mind it in everyone’s company… But being away from them like this… It made me uncomfortable… I felt a smack on my shoulder. “Meeting after school.” It was Demyx. He had practically pulled a hit and run, giving me a two fingered salute as he darted down the hall. I guess… By them telling me this and me more or less going to them now… I had kind of come to terms with the group. I guess that was kind of a given after I went through all of the trouble to open my login for the website… Seriously who got that fucking tech-y about it anyways? I’d have to ask somebody eventually… And see if my computer wigged out again with it…

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

“Get your _lazy_ ass in here!” Larxene screamed down the hall to Marluxia and Zexion. She was courteously flipped off and then promptly ignored in favor of their conversation. She huffed- or hissed or something, but it sounded monstrous- before slamming the door shut. “Okay, yeah, so like meeting things. Fuck those guys.” She said, waving her hand in the air as she sat down in her chair. Normally, Mr. X’s desks were like any other classroom, but when we were having “meetings” in his room, they were put into a circle consisting of only thirteen desks, the rest neatly pushed against the wall. Xemnas narrowed his eyes at her, probably because of her language, but regardless he started without them. They’d come in eventually and it wasn’t hard to find out what they’d miss between the rest of us.

“Friends,” He started. “We had spent a hefty amount on props, costumes, and decoration. However, after ticket sales, we made 500 munny over that.” There was a whooping from Demyx and Axel while everyone else, minus a few, clapped- me being one of them for lacking of not knowing what to really do. I ended up patting my thigh twice or so before it had ended up dying down. “Now as the majority of you know, we typically use the funds we earn for our own group activities or upcoming events. The next event is in December, before break. We have been tasked with making a festive meal plan for the students on the half day before break. For now, feel free to rest knowing you’ve done a wonderful job with the Haunted House. We will discuss the basics of the next event as well as pick a meal theme on the Eleventh at Oblivion at our usual time.”

Usual time? I could probably just ask Axel… Or Marluxia. I mean I’d probably be working that day anyways… I did have this Saturday off though because of all of the excess work and with the haunted house… Still, wouldn’t be much of an issue.

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

When I got home and finished my chores and homework, there was nothing left for her to bitch to me about- supposedly. Either way, I got onto the computer and opened a page that had come to annoy me slightly. “ _Who are you?_ ” The screen asked me, and I input my ever-so-lovely password. It kinda… Tugged at my heart a bit, yet at the same time was forcing it to stay inside of my ribs. It was as if it was trying to turn itself into small threads and squeeze through the gaps in my ribs and escape… I ignored it and checked to see who was on.

Superior of the In-Between [offline]  
The Freeshooter [offline]  
The Whirlwind Lancer [offline]  
The Chilly Academic [online]  
The Silent Hero [offline]  
The Cloaked Schemer [offline]  
The Luna Diviner [online]  
The Flurry of Dancing Flames [offline]  
The Melodious Nocturne [online]  
The Gambler of Fate [offline]  
The Graceful Assassin [offline]  
The Savage Nymph [online]  
The Key of Destiny [online]  
No. i [online]

 **The Key of Destiny [8:43]:** Hey  
 **The Melodious Nocturne [8:44]:** heya  
 **The Savage Nymph [8:44]:** Sup kiddo?  
 **The Key of Destiny [8:45]:** How are you even calling me that when we’re like the same age?  
 **The Savage Nymph [8:45]:** Because boys are naturally immature and Im a lady, therefore Im not? ;)  
 **The Key of Destiny [8:46]:** Haha, your logic is cute, flawed as it is.  
 **The Chilly Academic [8:46]:** Actually, you are correct about that question.  
 **The Chilly Academic [8:46]:** I’m terribly sorry Saïx  
 **The Chilly Academic [8:47]:** I’ll make a note to fix your grade right away.  
 **The Luna Diviner [8:48]:** Thank you. Hello Roxas.  
 **The Key of Destiny [8:48]:** Hey  
 **The Luna Diviner [8:50]:** Not that I don’t enjoy all of your company, but I was really only on here to speak with Mr. Vexen about something, so I’ll be leaving now.  
 **The Luna Diviner is offline.**  
 **The Savage Nymph [8:51]:** So Im totally not the only one who read that sarcastically right?  
 **The Melodious Nocturne [8:51]:** nope he totally did  
 **The Chilly Academic [8:52]:** Likewise, I’ll be leaving  
 **The Chilly Academic [8:52]:** Unless any of you need me for anything.  
 **The Key of Destiny [8:53]:** Not that I can think of  
 **The Melodious Nocturne [8:53]:** nah  
 **The Savage Nymph [8:53]:** Nope. Bye geezer~  
 **The Chilly Academic [8:54]:** Then I’ll be taking my leave. **  
**The Chilly Academic is offline  
The Key of Destiny [8:55]: Actually now that I think about iiii hes gone shit. **  
**The Savage Nymph [8:56]: Whatd you want? Can always just text somebody the question if you need it answered that badly  
 **The Melodious Nocturne [8:57]:** contact info is usually in our bios but because of the potential bug we took it out  
 **The Key of Destiny [8:57]:** You mean the No. i thing? It’s never put in a message or anything?  
 **The Melodious Nocturne [8:59]:** well its not like I want to be labeled as the one trying to talk to a computer virus if thats what it is  
 **The Savage Nymph [9:00]:** If its a hacker they can suck my tit >b<  
 **The Savage Nymph [9:00]:** Creep probably read it and is being all gross about it now  
 **The Key of Destiny [9:01]:** Does it show up in our PM contacts? Or anyone’s for that matter?  
 **The Melodious Nocturne [9:02]:** nope asked everyone that once too when they were all online the only reason were not sure is because it just kinda sits in the main chat  
 **The Melodious Nocturne [9:02]:** all  
 **The Melodious Nocturne [9:02]:** the time  
 **The Savage Nymph [9:03]:** Its creepy as shit  
 **The Key of Destiny [9:04]:** It could just be a bug or something. Who made the site anyways? Can they fix it?  
 **The Savage Nymph [9:06]:** Some former group member of the Organization. Weve tried to ask them but once theyve been gone for 13 years they cant get back into the group  
 **The Key of Destiny [9:06]:** How’s that work?  
 **The Savage Nymph [9:08]:** You get an account you get put in for current or old member and youre allowed on for 13 years after being an old member  
 **The Melodious Nocturne [9:10]:** by old member she means once youre not really officially involved with group activities so much anymore or if you leave the school or country or something like that youd have to ask mr x on details  
 **The Melodious Nocturne [9:11]:** like i know mr xigbar is an old member what year is he on again  
 **The Savage Nymph [9:12]:** I don fucking know  
 **The Melodious Nocturne [9:12]:** ….  
 **The Melodious Nocturne [9:14]:** but yeah its basically like that once you cant be involved so much or can counter-produce your title or reason for entry you get put into that category  
 **The Key of Destiny [9:14]:** counter-produce?  
 **The Savage Nymph [9:16]:** He means like if your reason for entry was like being a hooker and you quit your night job. Or if like my title suddenly didn’t fit me anymore because I turned into a softy or some shit  
 **The Melodious Nocturne [9:18]:** lol gonna turn into a giant ice cream now what are you that one pokemon or something  
 **The Savage Nymph [9:18]:** stfu  
 **The Melodious Nocturne [9:19]:** crap grg ttyl!  
 **The Melodious Nocturne is offline  
** The Key of Destiny [9:19]: grg?  
 **The Savage Nymph [9:20]:** He probably meant gtg and typod or some shit  
 **The Savage Nymph [9:21]:** But yeah if you wanna text like Mr X or someone your question Im sure you can ask Marly for their numbers He tends to keep his shit straight minus his sexuality  
 **The Key of Destiny [9:21]:** omg  
 **The Savage Nymph [9:21]:** lol was funny and you know it  
 **The Savage Nymph [9:22]:** alright I’m probably gonna go too Got stuff to do and all that fun jazz See ya kiddo  
 **The Savage Nymph is offline.  
** The Key of Destiny [9:26]: …Guess it’s just me myself and I- ha… i.  
 **The Key of Destiny [9:26]:** …Um…  
 **The Key of Destiny [9:26]:** Hello?  
 **The Key of Destiny [9:26]:** No. i?

I swear to god if they can go back and read these messages, they’d probably laugh at me. I sure as hell hope not… Then again, if it is a hacker and they reply or something… I won’t look so nuts. I’m only doing it because I want to know what it is… It’s not weird when I think about it like that.

 **The Key of Destiny [9:31]:** Hellooooooo anybody there?  
 **The Key of Destiny [9:33]:** …  
 **The Key of Destiny [9:37]:** …  
 **The Key of Destiny [9:40]:** …………………………………………………………  
 **The Key of Destiny [9:47]:** Alright, fine. Guess I’ll go then. See ya No. i

Just as I was about to log off and bother Marluxia for everyone’s number, I got a PM. It was like a small notification box in the opposite corner as the general chat. The box was smaller and of a different color. The name was distorted and the text couldn’t be read for it. The message however…

 **ɷɣɑʘ̥ΩΨζβϗ⃝ᴥ [9:47]** : Wait!

…What… The FUCK OH SHIT HELL NO THAT WAS MOST DEFINITELY A VIRUS!!! I had all I could do not to toss my computer across the room. It spoke. It sent me _a FUCKING MESSAGE_. Oh shit… It was a hacker… A person. They were gonna fuck my computer up! I shouldn’t speak to it- I should just screen shot this and save it and show everyone and… I stared at me screen… Registering the fact that the “virus” had spoken to me. Then it spoke again to confirm I wasn’t losing my mind.

 **ɷɣɑʘ̥ΩΨζβϗ⃝ᴥ [9:50]** : …Did you leave…? **  
**The Key of Destiny [9:58]: You’re a person?  
 **ɷɣɑʘ̥ΩΨζβϗ⃝ᴥ [10:00]** : …yes… I’m not doing anything bad here though- honest!  
 **The Key of Destiny [10:01]:** Not doing anything bad? You ever hear of psychological abuse?  
 **ɷɣɑʘ̥ΩΨζβϗ⃝ᴥ [10:04]** : …yes…  
 **The Key of Destiny [10:06]:** Well this is a form of that, believe it or not. Everyone thinks you’re a virus and is going to destroy their computer or are a freaky bug or a hacker out to get our personal info- are you out to get our personal info?  
 **ɷɣɑʘ̥ΩΨζβϗ⃝ᴥ [10:08]** : What? No, never! I’m just…  
 **The Key of Destiny [10:08]:** …Just?  
 **ɷɣɑʘ̥ΩΨζβϗ⃝ᴥ [10:12]** : …Lonely. If they know I’m a person, they’ll try to kick me out because I’m not in your group…  
 **The Key of Destiny [10:13]:** Then why send me a message? I could just tell them- could be telling them right now for all you know.  
 **ɷɣɑʘ̥ΩΨζβϗ⃝ᴥ [10:16]** : Please don’t…!  
 **The Key of Destiny [10:16]:** Then why even bother if you know I could?  
 **The Key of Destiny [10:19]:** Hello? You there?

For a minute, I panicked. I mean their other messages had taken a minute, but this was longer than normal. What if they were draining everything they could out of the site? What if-

 **ɷɣɑʘ̥ΩΨζβϗ⃝ᴥ [10:20]** : …Yes. I’m sorry… I sent you a message because you were the first one to ever try to talk to me… It was stupid to reply, but… Well I’m doing it regardless now.  
 **The Key of Destiny [10:21]:** You’re basically being a troll- can’t you go hang out on some other form or something?  
 **ɷɣɑʘ̥ΩΨζβϗ⃝ᴥ [10:25]** : …I can… But they all eventually leave. …You all don’t. Even after you’re technically “not members” you still are…  
 **ɷɣɑʘ̥ΩΨζβϗ⃝ᴥ [10:28]** : This site is different from a random forum- You’re all connected and stay like that for a long time.  
 **The Key of Destiny [10:29]: …** So what? You’re into watching the same group of people talk to one another? That’s a bit odd and has no basis for me to really believe you.  
 **ɷɣɑʘ̥ΩΨζβϗ⃝ᴥ [10:33]** : I know that…! But… It’s comforting… To watch the same people greet one another and watch their personalities flourish and see how they interact with one another… It’s… Nice.  
 **ɷɣɑʘ̥ΩΨζβϗ⃝ᴥ [10:35]** : Okay wait I know that sounded kind of creepy, but I didn’t mean for it to sound like that….!

…This person… I caught myself snickering. They were a flustered mess. Did they literally just sit here all day and watch us talk to one another? Yeah it _was_ kind of creepy, but…

 **The Key of Destiny [10:38]:** No, I get it. I kinda do the same thing. Like you’ll go out into a public space and just watch the people around you or something- only difference is, this is a little more private. It would be like looking into someone’s house. It’s why everyone finds it weird. You’ve got to get off before they find out you’re a hacker and then find you and get you arrested.  
 **ɷɣɑʘ̥ΩΨζβϗ⃝ᴥ [10:41]** : …So you’re going to tell them…?

…Was I? I mean, I should… But… At the same time, they kind weren’t doing anything bad… They were just sitting there.

 **The Key of Destiny [10:41]:** Are you literally on here 24/7?  
 **ɷɣɑʘ̥ΩΨζβϗ⃝ᴥ [10:44]** : …Yes.

Honest. Creepy, but honest.

 **The Key of Destiny [10:45]:** Don’t you do anything? Go out anywhere?  
 **ɷɣɑʘ̥ΩΨζβϗ⃝ᴥ [10:48]** : …No.  
 **The Key of Destiny [10:48]:** Why not?  
 **ɷɣɑʘ̥ΩΨζβϗ⃝ᴥ [10:53]** : I can’t. I can’t even go outside. So… I just watch. It’s the only thing I can do.

…So what were they like obese or something? Even then, shouldn’t they sleep or something?

 **The Key of Destiny [10:54]:** Sleep?  
 **ɷɣɑʘ̥ΩΨζβϗ⃝ᴥ [10:58]** : I take micro-naps. I have nothing better to do. If no one is actually on, I read or go through all of the messages again.

Micro-naps? Like passing out and waking yourself up after like two minutes, working until you fall asleep again and repeat? The hell…?

 **The Key of Destiny [10:59]:** You’re weird.  
 **ɷɣɑʘ̥ΩΨζβϗ⃝ᴥ [11:02]** : …I know.  
 **The Key of Destiny [11:02]:** Then why do you keep doing it?  
 **ɷɣɑʘ̥ΩΨζβϗ⃝ᴥ [11:05]** : I told you, I have nothing better to do. I physically have nothing better do to.  
 **The Key of Destiny [11:05]:** Are you like impaired or something?  
 **ɷɣɑʘ̥ΩΨζβϗ⃝ᴥ [11:07]** : …I guess you could call it that.  
 **The Key of Destiny [11:07]:** You guess?  
 **ɷɣɑʘ̥ΩΨζβϗ⃝ᴥ [11:12]** : …It’s complicated.  
 **The Key of Destiny [11:12]:** Then explain.  
 **ɷɣɑʘ̥ΩΨζβϗ⃝ᴥ [11:12]** : No thank you.

Quickest reply they’ve given me yet.

 **The Key of Destiny [11:13]:** Why not? You’ve got “nothing better to do” right?  
 **ɷɣɑʘ̥ΩΨζβϗ⃝ᴥ [11:17]** : …I watch, I usually don’t interact. This is new for me... Also I’m not going to spill my heart onto a platter for you to eat at your leisure while I die from it.  
 **The Key of Destiny [11:17]:** And I’ve been told I’m morbid.  
 **ɷɣɑʘ̥ΩΨζβϗ⃝ᴥ [11:17]** : It was an analogy.

Another quick reply- so when they get defensive they reply quicker- cute. Like a little kid.

 **The Key of Destiny [11:18]:** Regardless, I’m not a cannibal.  
 **ɷɣɑʘ̥ΩΨζβϗ⃝ᴥ [11:19]** : …  
 **The Key of Destiny [11:20]:** …Meaning I won’t do that. You’re weird, I’ll give you that, but you’re not worth all the stress- no offense. I just have better things to worry about so long as you didn’t hack my computer or anything.  
 **ɷɣɑʘ̥ΩΨζβϗ⃝ᴥ [11:24]** : …  
 **The Key of Destiny [11:24]:** …You hacked my computer?  
 **ɷɣɑʘ̥ΩΨζβϗ⃝ᴥ [11:24]** : Only once!  
 **The Key of Destiny [11:25]:** WHAT THE HELL! I SHOULD TELL EVERYONE RIGHT NOW!  
 **ɷɣɑʘ̥ΩΨζβϗ⃝ᴥ [11:25]** : But you logged out so suddenly, I was worried!  
 **ɷɣɑʘ̥ΩΨζβϗ⃝ᴥ [11:26]** : You didn’t seem like the type to just cut out mid conversation like that! Even Demyx says goodbye!

…They hacked my computer… They were the ones who… I was definitely fucking telling. I print-screened our conversation, threw it into a paint and saved it, did it several times over for several different sections of our conversation. A notification that they had sent another message popped up.

 **ɷɣɑʘ̥ΩΨζβϗ⃝ᴥ [11:32]** : …You’re telling on me…  
 **ɷɣɑʘ̥ΩΨζβϗ⃝ᴥ [11:33]** : …Aren’t you…?

I stopped. Why did they sound- er, read- so upset? All they were doing was watching anyways, right? What did they really care? They could just go find another site to hack and watch them! Why here? Why even really bother talking to me? They weren’t smart and it was obvious from the get-go that I’d say something to everyone else- why not just make a message in the pubic chat box right now? Send the screenshots to Xemnas?

 **ɷɣɑʘ̥ΩΨζβϗ⃝ᴥ [11:33]** : I won’t let you do that, Roxas.  
 **ɷɣɑʘ̥ΩΨζβϗ⃝ᴥ [11:33]** : Let me stay here or you’ll computer will never work again and you’ll have no proof I spoke with you.  
 **The Key of Destiny [11:34]:** What the hell! You spying on my computer or something again?  
 **ɷɣɑʘ̥ΩΨζβϗ⃝ᴥ [11:36]** : …Yes.  
 **The Key of Destiny [11:36]:** STOP THAT!!! IT’S CREEPY AS FUCK!  
 **ɷɣɑʘ̥ΩΨζβϗ⃝ᴥ [11:40]** : …Sorry… I just… Even though I’ve never said anything… Really… This site… And the people on it… It’s all I’ve got… Please don’t take it away from me…  
 **ɷɣɑʘ̥ΩΨζβϗ⃝ᴥ 11: [11:44]** : You can call me creepy all you want. I know… What I’m doing it’s… It’s weird… I know that! But… I can’t do anything else as I am… Please don’t take this from me…

…I have no reason to believe them… None at all.

 **The Key of Destiny [11:46]:** Goodbye  
 **The Key of Destiny is offline**

I closed my computer and sighed. I’d just… Think about it for now and deal with it later… It was too late to be thinking about this anyways… If something really happens… I’d feel bad knowing I didn’t say anything… But… Everyone said that this person doesn’t do anything… That person themselves said they don’t do anything aside from watch like a creep… How long have they been on there, anyways? I’d have to ask… Still… They really… Just wanted to watch us talk? That’s really weird… I’d feel pressured just getting on to ask about a math question knowing someone was just watching like a creep from somewhere… If anything, the lack of interaction was even worse… But… I was interacted with.  
Why me? Really that “you spoke to me” thing was just an excuse… They could have spoken to anyone… So… Why me? Really?

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

Thursday, I was so ready to crash and burn… I was exhausted. Between my endless trig homework and studying for my chem test on top of everything else this week, I was beat. I had completely forgotten to pick a song until right before I was about to walk out the door. I grabbed what I _thought_ was my Of Monsters and Men CD, but… When I got to class, Ms. Hikaru either had us using her computer to pull it up, using our own mp3 players or the radio she brought- headphones were mandatory so others wouldn’t get sidetracked by another song or not hear the “full effect” of the song we picked.  
When I put my CD into the radio, there were only two tracks. Two. Fucking shit… I knew what this was. Why the hell did I still have this anyways? Actually I didn’t mind having it, but why was it in my regular CD mess? I’d have to lie- or just tell the truth… But what if she made me just use what I had? Nope. Nu-uh. Not happening. “…Um… Ms. Hikaru?” I asked, pulling the CD out. “I actually made a CD yesterday and thought it was okay since it played in my computer, but it’s not working. Can I just bring a CD in tomorrow?” I asked, putting it back in the case.

She nimbly but kindly took it from me, going into her office. “…Plays just fine for me.” She called out to me. Oh fuck me…. “You can all just use the computer in my office rather than the one out here, alright?” The computer in her office was her personal laptop. I darted in before Olette or Axel could follow. “U-Um… Actually I’d rather not…” She tipped her head, confused. “Why? It’s a wonderful piece.”  
“But explaining it is kinda…” I glanced down at the floor. “Well why don’t you take a minute to think? I’m sure with something like that, you’ll be able to manage, yeah?” She then left the room, not being able to take my hint of being completely uncomfortable with this situation.

“…Um… You guys go first.” I ejected the CD and put it back in its case, leaving the disc tray open just in case they needed it. Axel raised an eyebrow, but laughed it off and plugged in his ipod, closing the disc tray. “Alright, I picked a song for each of you. Roxas, this is yours.” He said, offering me the headphones. The track was labeled “You May Not Want to Hear This But” the title ironic already. “Welp, titles enough, no need to explain.” I joked, getting a laugh from him. At least it wasn’t that one weird song about touching the dude’s tralala or whatever… Some part of me was expecting something like that. Even this was kind of expected to be… Not something I’d enjoy too much.  
But I was wrong. It was a rock track with a female vocalist, a guy screaming occasionally.  
“tohaie ano kimi no koe ni kanashimi ga atta koto ya

kimi ga tojikomotteita tobira wa mada

oboetetainda yo waratte yo

kuchi no oku ga zutto zutto itai

hitosashiyubi mo nanteka kowakute  
…higekiteki de enseiteki na watashi wa

kyou mo asu wo nusunde

ikiru koto no damasu koto no

chigai wo mata kangaeru  
omoidasenai koto ga karamitsuite mo

fumishimeru ashimoto wa waruku nai yo  
konna sekai nante mou iya datte

ieru kurai aisaretemitai

zutto zutto tooi basho ni oitekita no wa

ano sekai to no wakai

ima mo nao asu mo nao

kawaranai nara kie na yo  
(HERE IS MY REPLY)…”

“…So you’re giving me a copy of this, right?” I asked, plugging in my mp3 before he even had a chance to reply. “Well I’m glad you like it. I picked it with you in mind- but I guess that was a tad counterproductive considered what it was for. Then again, I can fill all of her requirements for it, but it just wouldn’t fit into the whole “theme song” thing she seems to be hunting for.” I hummed a reply, copying the file from his ipod to my mp3, watching the bar like my life depended on it. After about two minutes, I realized that my wide-eyed staring wasn’t going to make it move any faster, so I relaxed a bit. “…So when you say “you had me in mind”…” He smirked. “Well I guess I just picked something I figured you may like in terms of genre.” I cocked my head a bit. “No hidden lyrical meaning?” I questioned, this not really sounding like him. He shrugged. “I don’t know- you getting any?” I rolled my eyes at him and checked how much was transferred over.

He showed Olette another song that had her covering her mouth and silently “Oh my god”-ing and snickering. I gave him a questioning look and he just shrugged, not going to tell me what song he picked to show her. “…Can I…?” She asked, pointing to it. He nodded and she had her music player out within seconds from her bag. She copied it, eyeing it with a wide smile, listening to it twice while it copied it over, the song still cracking her up. Okay now I’m really curious… I’d have to ask her later or something… “…I need more from this guy oh my god… This is hysterical. Hayner would eat this up, oh man…!” Olette showed us a composition piece- that busted out into Hardstyle. Honestly wasn’t expecting that. Wow. Props to her. I nodded, giving a look of approval. Quiet dorky girl likes totally contrasting music that blend fucking wonderfully. “…So yeah taking this too.” Axel did the same.

…Then it was my turn. My mood instantly deteriorated. Fuck. Ugh… I guess… I’d have to explain first… “…So the CD I grabbed was the wrong one but Ms. Hikaru said to just use it anyways…” I popped it in, hesitantly, the let them listen to it, each his or her own. “…It was um… interesting?” Olette offered. “Right. More like it sounded like a kid played it.” Axel joked, laughing about it. “I’m _aware_ of that.” I said through clenched teeth. “I mean, it was _cute_ and all, but like… Not exactly something I’d of picked for this project- even by accident.” …I was gonna kill him. Dead. Dead ferret. All over the floor. “Well I guess so- it just sounded really sad to me- and like the person playing it was having issue-“  
“OKAY. I GET IT. TOTALLY FUCKED UP, THANKS, YOU CAN ALL GO HOME NOW.” The way I said it was meant to be an “I fucked up and grabbed the wrong CD” but… Axel took it the other way. “…You-“ He stopped and my heart sank into my stomach, the weight of it dragging even that all the way down to my toes... “…Hey, Olette? You mind stepping out for a sec…? Nothing personal just… Guy stuff.” She raised an eyebrow, then sighed. “Sure. _Guy stuff_.” And left without another word.

“…I’m sorry.” I grabbed my mp3 player and ejected the CD, wanting our “guy stuff” chat to be over with as soon as possible. “Don’t be.” I spat harshly. He was right. I played it as a kid and I fucked up. Olette was right- I was upset when I wrote it and, once again, I fucked it up. “Roxas-“ I snapped the CD in half and tossed it into the garbage. “I don’t even know why I kept the damn thing…” I was shaking I was so angry with myself. It was the last piece I had written and the last one I ever played. The only reason I had it on CD was because mom recorded it, insisting in her psychopathy that I should at least do that. I didn’t want to. I never really finished it and ended up repeating some sections several times. I probably only kept it in case I ever felt like touching the piano again…

What a cock of bullshit. “Roxas…!” Axel was in complete shock that I could break something like that so easily- probably borderline mortified. “That was something from when you were a kid, right? Why would you do that?” He asked, blocking the door so I couldn’t escape. “…Because it was nothing but an embarrassment.”  
“It just needed work.” He tried. “I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT DAMN THING AGAIN.” I screamed at him, completely fed up with my own mistake and his pushiness. “Now fucking _move_.” I spat, practically radiating flames from my eyes- or maybe it was ice. A feeling so passionately numb like this could have been either. “…Roxas-“

“MOVE.” He sighed, but moved. We didn’t talk for the rest of the day.

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

Axel brought me lunch- again- on Friday and it was getting to the point where I was just expecting it now. I had calmed down since yesterday, talking to him a bit more so long as he didn’t try to broach the subject of my shitty childhood piano playing. I just needed time to relax- let it go and keep my head busy with other thoughts. “Thanks, wife.” I said casually, if not sarcastically, taking it from him and opening it- was like fuckin’ Christmas every day. I never knew what he was going to make, and it was all good and fancy. Rich little- er, tall- shit. Lunch today was bread slices, some vegetables with ranch and some aloe water. The bread had hunks of cheese and meat baked into it, a variety of things like pepperoni, sausage, ham, mozzarella, cheddar, and so on all in tons of combinations. “Welcome.” He said calmly, if not slightly distant, stealing a carrot and popping it into his mouth. I guess it was kind of good that Axel cooked for me- because I’d feel bad if I didn’t eat all of it, so I actually ate. It was weird… I kind of was still getting used to it. Sometimes mom would freak and I’d go to bed without dinner and not even care because I still had lunch sitting in there. It would be like for other people getting up at 2am, eating a full meal and going back to bed. It was weird for me…

Sora came out with his usual pair, nibbling their lunches before they had even sat down. “So what is it today?” Kairi asked, peering over. I showed it to her, but did it in a way that also offered her some. She had taken to eyeing my food like a bird, and if I was in a particularly good mood, I’d share or leave something I didn’t want to eat and offer her some. I also did the same for Sora since they practically silently begged when the other wasn’t. “Oh wow, that looks good!” I nodded the container to her and she looked up at me with a “you sure?” look, but out of nothing but courtesy. She stole a piece- and another- and nibbled on it, practically melting. “Oh my god… Axel one day I’m just gonna pay you to make me everything I’ve ever wanted to eat and just…” She munched at the bread again, clearly enjoying it. “I swear I should just bring snack packs or make lunch for everyone else too the way _this one_ hands it over.” He joked, light smacking the back of my head.

“W-What? I don’t do it a lot…”I grumbled, turning to face him. He raised an eyebrow. “Oh? Last Tuesday, Cucumber slices. Last Thursday, a third of your pasta salad. That Friday, a fourth of your burger. Monday, practically your entire smoothie. Today-“  
“Okay, okay!” I cut him off, not wanting to hear anymore. I really didn’t do it _that_ often… Right? That was- what? Five times out of ten days? That wasn’t bad… Right? I mean, this was just stuff he remembered… “Don’t forget he gave Sora that cake looking thing Last Monday.” Riku added. Six out of ten- okay fuck him. Axel sighed and looked at me. “…Hey you’re free Saturday, right? It’s not like Marly to give you work like that after this week and last. Why don’t you let me kidnap you in the morning and you can hang out all weekend and I’ll feed you.” I snorted and took a swig of the water, screwing the cap back on as I replied. “Yeah so you can eat me- don’t think I’m not onto you.” He chuckled. “Oh damn it- how’d you see through me like that? You cheeky little shit, you!” He bumped me with his shoulder as he flashed me a smile. I shrugged. “Well, considering we were Corpse Party characters and you kept trying to eat people like Hannibal, I just _assumed_ …” Sora kicked my foot. “…You know we missed our movie.” He said since I had made reference to one.

“Oh shit. I’m sorry I totally forgot…! Want to watch it tonight?” I quickly spat, noticing the small little hesitance and mumbling he put in his tone- he felt embarrassed about bringing it up. He probably hadn’t done so the night of because I had worked all week, then was only up all night working some more. We never even discussed what we were going to watch I had been so busy…  
Every Halloween since we were practically banned from trick-or-treating by our mother, we took up watching horror movies together. We would have to watch at least one and eat the majority of the candy we were supposed to hand out to people while mom either went to work or bed. He nodded. “Sure.” He still sounded a bit distant about it, but a bit happier none the less. There were little things that we did together… That were normal for us. And this… Was this us growing apart? …That thought scared me… I was… I was getting my own life. Without Sora. I was starting to _do things_ without Sora… That thought… Was weird… It made me lose my appetite.

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

We were watching some completely stereotypical horror movie about some teenagers in the woods totally about to get slaughtered. Before that, we had watched another ridiculously stereotypical horror movie about some kidnappings and murders, all done by the “unsuspected” best friend of the main character. We ate popcorn and some chocolate Sora had stashed from his adventures with Kairi and Riku Tuesday on the floor on our stomachs in front of the TV. “…Oh my gawd that was such bullshit…” He grumbled as blood splattered from a severed leg, adding more popcorn to the half-eaten mess in his mouth.  
“I know- like can anyone in any movie _ever_ not be that dumb? Like seriously, I love you and all Sora, but fuck that you’d be left for dead.” He elbowed me, but gave me a crooked smile none the less. “Jerk- I’ll keep that in mind when a zombie apocalypse happens.” I snickered and snagged the empty popcorn bowl and went to make more, coming back and setting it between us, resuming my watching of the movie. About two thirds of the way into the movie, we heard the front door open, then close. There was the removing of shoes, then she came in all the way. “Hi, boys.” She sighed, sounding tired. “What’cha watching?”

“Horror movie- want some chocolate?” Sora offered to her while I popped popcorn into my mouth and didn’t take my eyes off of the screen. “No thanks. Did either of you eat dinner?” Nope. “Yes.” I replied, eating more popcorn. “Homework?” A girl screamed and fell, totally about to get caught by the killer. “Yup.” More popcorn. She paused for a moment, then went upstairs. When she came back down again, she was out of her work clothes and had seated herself on the couch to finish watching the movie with us. “…Axel wants me to come over for the weekend.” I added as if I had just asked what the weather was- and even then, I feel like I ask more enthusiastically about that than I just did about this. “That’s fine- just clean your room and do your chores before you leave.” A handful of popcorn, some blood juices. “…Kay.”

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

I opened the door, completely not ready to go yet. “Hold on, I’m still cleaning the bathroom- you can hang out on the couch or something- take your shoes off before coming in, don’t touch anything.” I practically turned into motor-mouth the second he entered my house. I was still in my pajamas (nothing too embarrassing, thank god) and was in the middle of finishing the bathroom when Axel got there. “…You’re… Cleaning the bathroom?” He confirmed, extremely confused as he removed his shoes. “Yup.” I replied, heading towards it. “…At 7am?” He called after me sounding even more confused. “Yup!” My room was already done too- got up at five to do that and the kitchen and even then I didn’t do everything completely- that would have taken another hour or so.

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

I yawned, stretching in the passenger seat of Axel’s car. “…Just curious, but how early were you up?” He asked, shooting me a confused look as he backed out of our driveway. “Do you mean in terms of hours of sleep I got or what time I actually got up?”  
“…Now that I think about it, both. You looked like you got punched in the face or something…” He grumbled, following up with something about bananas. “I went to bed at like three something and got up at five.” He glanced over at me like I was crazy. “… _Why_?” I shrugged, moving the seat back a bit. “Because Sora and I were watching horror movies all night and I had to do my chores before I left or the Queen of Hearts would decapitate me.” I said dramatically, using my thumb as a knife to further prove my point. This could have been the sleep talking though. Heh… Sleep-talking. “…Well do you want to go back to sleep or something?” He offered.

“Sure- so long as you don’t molest me in said sleep. I will wake up, kill you, and sleep in your carcass.” I threatened. “…Note to self: Roxas tends to get more violent the less sleep he gets. Follow up with a detailed chart later.” I chuckled and elbowed him in his ribs. “…Can I climb in the back?” I asked, considering my best option was to sleep on the way over. The front would be less comfortable. “Hold on, I’ll pull over.” He offered, turning on his blinker to do just that. I didn’t even bother actually getting out. I just literally climbed over and got into the back with my bag, using it as a pillow and was out like a light after that.

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

When I woke up, there was low classical music playing and the smell of food. I registered myself in Axel’s house, assuming the music was his and the food was soon to be mine. I got up, still feeling tired, but less so than I was earlier. I wandered into the kitchen and sat down on the barstool at the island, placing my head on the surface of it. “Morning- you could have slept longer. You’ve only been out for three or so hours.” Axel greeted me, musing my hair gently before giving his attention back to the food. “…Nah… It’s okay. I like waking up here.” There was a pause for a moment as he dealt with the food. “…Meaning you don’t in other places?”

“Hell no- math class is evil as it is, yet alone that early? No thanks. I wake up from a nightmare just to go into another one!” He chuckled as I dodged a bullet. He flipped something in a pan, a loose blend of light brown and a few greens. I watched him cook, a comfortable silence settling in minus the music and sizzle of the food. He put a small plate in front of me while he resumed cooking. “Taste that.” He said casually. I popped the brown and green mixture into my mouth- and practically melted. “Wha if ett?” I asked, mouth too hot to close all the way and speak properly. “Hash browns.” Best damn things I ever had- actually, only other kind. The first was the McDonald ones, and that was because I bought them myself. Shame- I should have really just bought that shake instead.

I finished the small taste test on my plate, licking my lips as Axel cleared it away. He gave me small taste test of the rest of the breakfast, eventually giving me a plate full. He sat across from me and we ate. I noticed more than once he had stopped eating to just watch me. I swallowed a huge, mashed mouthful of poached eggs before asking him “Why do you keep doing that anyways- staring at me I mean?” He looked slightly shocked and taken a back, even loosening his grip on his fork. “Was I? I’m sorry I honestly didn’t even realize I was doing it.” He said, giving me a nervous laugh and equally nervous smile. But within the next moment it was gone and he was staring down at his plate with this kind of melancholic happiness. “…But I guess… It’s because I enjoy watching you- You’re beautiful.” Beaut-

“…Okay never call me that again, that was gay as hell.” He pointed his fork at me while I pretended to gag. “Don’t you tell me that I can’t! You are! Don’t be mad at me because I can be the honest one between us! It’s been like that from day one!” I smacked his fork with mine and pointed it back at him. “You, sir, are referencing events we are not to discuss because they never happened.” Axel raised his eyebrows at me and pursed his lips. “…Uh-huh. Sure. My bad.” He resumed eating, and so did I, but the silence was a bit unsettling with a hell of a lot of awkward now.

…There was a clinking of silverware with a fork. “…I mean it though… You’re very attractive.” I mostly ignored him and reply with “Shut the hell up and eat this gorgeous breakfast you made.”

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

“…We _have_ to?” I groaned, tipping my head back onto the couch, the music still playing from the kitchen. “…No. But if you want to hear Mr. X yell at us for not helping with clean up, sure.” Axel said, sitting down next to me. “…We could always say we forgot because we were busy making out.” He joked- some part of that statement was partially serious thuogh. “Right. Because I’d let your tongue come close to mine the second hell freezes over.” He had his hands on either side of my head within second and stole a kiss before I even realized what had happened. “…Hell burns cold, darling of mine.” I rolled my eyes and withheld a sigh. “Right. You can go screw.”

“You~?” He wiggled his eyebrows at me. “Ha ha, you’re hysterical. Now get off.” I said, pushing his shoulders once half-heartedly. He didn’t move and opted for placing his lips at my neck. “No. Bad animal- ah- _jeezus_ I was better off leaving you at the zoo!” I felt his lips curl up into a smile as they kept assaulting me. I pushed at his shoulders, but he was harder to move than you’d think.  
Or maybe… I wasn’t really trying that hard to push him off… That thought had me seriously pushing him away. “No, Axel seriously- my mom would kick my ass- back off, okay…?” I asked, moving myself so I could look at him to show him I was serious. He stopped, looking me in the eyes while I was stuck with his wild greens… His gorgeous, plastic, green field eyes… Fuck. He got closer… But only pressed our foreheads together. “…You know I wouldn’t leave a single mark on you, making out, sex or otherwise- so what’s your real reason?”

I was quiet for a moment and avoided his eyes. “…You know why- We already had this talk when you asked me the first time…” I grumbled, trying to touch on the subject as little as possible. “Right, right. In the event that never happened yet we keep discussing without discussing.” He sighed, pressing our noses together. “So this big secret… Is why you won’t let me kiss you?” He asked, trying to get me to look at him. I avoided his gaze and his attempts to get us to eye-lock and nodded. “…So… If _that_ never happened… And since we’re pretending it never did… Why not just let me kiss you? If it never happened, then we never promised anything, so there’s nothing holding you back from letting me kiss you.” As much as I wanted to agree with him… “…I can’t.”

“Can’t or won’t?” I sighed, opening my mouth and trying for words that totally fucked me up, so I tried again- honestly. “I… I don’t know- both?!” I looked up at him and his brilliantly vast fields- and I lost. He stole a kiss and it had me frozen. He pulled away, probably expecting me to get mad, but… I was too shocked to do so. I wanted… I did like him… So I did want to kiss him… I wanted him to kiss _me_ … But… If that were to happen, he’d try to pry… And he’d find out about my crazy mom and maybe either not want to be around me anymore or try to get in the middle and get hurt and- he kissed me again and my heart was beating so fast it hurt.  
My chest hurt and I didn’t have enough air and my eyes felt hot and… I pushed him away as hard as I could so the feeling would go away. I know that if I were to just say it, it wouldn’t make sense…! Hey I totally can’t kiss you because if I do it’s gonna hurt! That sounds fucking ridiculous…! But it was true! I couldn’t… I can’t… But god I want to… Being alone with him like this… It was dangerous.

…How did Sora manage to do things like that with Riku? Kiss the hell out of him when they were alone? Hold his hand? Tell him he loved him? How could my brother do that… And why couldn’t I? That wasn’t fair- or maybe I just didn’t want it to be fair… Maybe I was used to being the one to go without… “…I’m sorry.” Axel said with a sigh, practically dejected, as he removed himself from above me- I grabbed at his sleeve. I didn’t want him to move. I was still… I was still thinking you selfish jerk…! I still… I want you to kiss me but I can’t let you…! Shit…! “…Roxas?” How… How could Sora… Son of a fuck I’m seriously way too co-dependent for my own good…! I was getting kissed and thinking about my brother- how fucking weird does that sound?!

“…I…” I want to… I just don’t know how… I… “…I’m scared…” _That_ was it… I was scared… Of him loving me. I heard him sigh and hug me- held me close. “Roxas I don’t know what it is that’s making you scared- but I promise that no matter what it is, there can be something done about it. There’s a way so that you don’t have to feel like that… And that’s all I want- is for you to not feel scared… I _hate_ seeing you scared…!” …The water tower… Rikku pretending to be dead… And right now. Those were three times he had distinctly seen me scared or had me admit to it… And he’s kissed me for all of them. That’s… That wasn’t fair! He should kiss me when I was okay, not when I wasn’t…! Wasn’t that taking advantage of me…?! That wasn’t… I wanted…

I clung to his shirt and tried not to start crying. “…That’s why I’m scared… I don’t… I don’t know how to deal with things like that…” I grumbled into his shoulder. I’ve spent so many years dealing with how to avoid being hurt and avoid doing things that would get me in trouble or Sora in trouble and walking on fine, preset lines of egg shells that… That I don’t know how to walk normal or not care about what happens later or… Or deal with affection like this… I was scared of getting all of that and then not having him and having to deal with it all over again… Axel pulled away and sat next to me, but put me so I was facing him on his lap. He put both hands to either side of my face and I never realized how small I actually was compared to him until just now…

“…I’m not going to force you into anything you seriously don’t want… But I’m letting you know if you really want to, I’m not going anywhere.” Not going…!? “…How can you say things like that? For all you know your dad could come in and take you back to Germany or wherever the hell you were or if you get annoyed with me or something and decide you never want to see me again or if you could go drive to school and get hit and die or-!”  
“Roxas…! Roxas, shhh….” He tried to calm me down while I spoke. He ran his fingers through my hair to try to calm me down.  
“AND I’M TERRIFIED OF THAT!” He stopped. “…Roxas…” I couldn’t look at him… Or I’d start crying. God I adored him… I really did… And that scared me. The only other person I cared for a lot was my brother and there would away be this kind of inseparable bond between us. With Axel… That could be taken away. He could leave, he could grow to not love me, he could even die… And I’d be stuck here with this sticky, sickening feeling… This feeling that made me want to go die.

“…You know you’re right.” I looked at him, shocked. People weren’t supposed to say that… Right? When trying to make someone feel better you weren’t… “I could go back to Europe, or I could get tired of being with you, and we know for a fact one day I’ll die. But that doesn’t change the fact that right now- right this very moment-You’re the one who’s captivated all of my head and heart.” He leaned forwards and kissed my forehead and I… I didn’t know what to do. He pulled away and smiled at me. “…It’s okay. It’ll get better, and if it doesn’t… We can always run away.” He laughed slightly, giving me a smile. “Would you prefer the Titanic as our mode of transportation?”

I rolled my eyes. “Oh yeah, totally. Not only are we fucking totally gonna have no money for this spontaneous trip, but we’re gonna die too! Yeah, let’s fucking do it.” I said as overly sarcastic as I could. He chuckled, putting his hands on either side of my face and pulling me close to steal another kiss from my forehead. “Cool, I’ll pack and withdraw all of my money from my piggy bank.” He joked. I smacked his chest and he winced and blocked after I did it. “Fucking looser.” He quickly kissed my check, I mushed his face. He held my hand to his face and kissed it. “Ew, let goooo…!” I tried to pull away, but he only sighed like he was in love and kept kissing it. “Oh my god I’m gonna be fucking covered in homo- how’m I gonna explain that to my mom when I go home?” He chuckled and pulled away, leaning close to my mouth. “…You could always bring me home, too.”

Bring him… He was… He was hitting on me. Practically telling me to bring me home to my mom to say “hey you were so right I’m gay as shit and here’s the proof!” …No way. Nope. Never. Nuh-uh. Not happening. “…Not even in your wildest dreams.” I cooed. “…Well of course not. In my wildest dreams we’re totally shmucking it up in my be-“  
“Oh my god shut the fuck up!” I mushed his face away again and he opted for pulling all of me closer while laughing. It was quiet for a moment minus the quiet music coming from the kitchen and our breathing. “…Hey, Roxas?” I hummed a reply, enjoying the mood he had set. I liked that actually- how he could set his own moods or pull me out of mine, yet was so honestly passionate about everything he did- He was like a flurry of dancing flame…

“…Can I kiss you? Just once?” I looked up at him, studying his eyes again. “…Just a kiss?” He nodded, our noses brushing against one another’s. …And then he kissed me. His lips were warm, and he tasted like the coffee he had during breakfast. His hands were resting on my lower back and they tensed slightly, and I heard him intake air as quietly as he could, but it was still sharp. The kiss lasted for a few moments… And then he pulled away. I watched his eyes study mine… And he kissed me again. I should have lectured him for it… But… The motion was nice. I don’t know why it was. It was no different than skin touching skin really. That’s all it was… So I don’t understand why kissing felt so nice.  
That’s probably why I let him do it again… Because I didn’t understand. Because I wanted to understand why just placing your lips- the things you spoke with and ate with- felt so wonderful placed against someone else’s. He pulled away for a second, but did it again… And I let him. It was just supposed to be once… But it’s not like I held him to a promise and I wasn’t exactly pushing him away or yelling at him right now…

I was too busy focusing on why he felt so warm as my mind kept making notes of all of the places where his body was touching mine… My fingers on his shoulders, his on my lower back, one of my legs between both of his, the other outside of his, our mouths… Our mouths… His tongue licking at my lips. Did I taste weird? His thumbs were on my waist… His tongue licked at my teeth and pushed passed them. Were all tongues this wet feeling? He tasted like coffee still… Did all coffee taste this good? Was probably that gourmet crap… That had to be it.  
Did he just hum or did I? I felt myself arch a slightly and breathe in through my nose, taking in all of his scent (which was something between a mix of cinnamon and burning wood), as his fingers smoothly went up a bit, fingertips dancing slightly under my shirt and setting my skin on fire. His tongue traced the ridges on the roof of my mouth, ran into the form of my teeth and pressed against my own tongue. This was… A French kiss… Right? This was… So wonderfully appealing… No wonder kids practically played tonsil hockey in the hallways. But that… Would be too rushed wouldn’t it? It wouldn’t give this feeling… This feeling- what was this…? This was… This, whatever it was, felt wonderful.

…And it was just a kiss.

He wound his tongue around mine and I pressed back. He pulled away a bit and then pressed back into my mouth with it and repeated, practically coaxing mine into his mouth without saying anything. I complied and was overtaken with this wonderful urge to drink coffee for the rest of the weekend to remember that this is what he had tasted like when I had felt so relax and contentedly happy. Axel, of all people, made me feel completely at ease… He had me on his lap, my tongue in his mouth after he had just had his own in mine while his fingers were brushing underneath my shirt… I hated him and loved him at the same time- it was weird… But it was how I felt. I don’t think I’d be able to do this without getting ridiculously embarrassed if I didn’t say I hated him… It helped me cope- the negative.

I tried to copy what he did, tracing the roof of his mouth and his teeth… But it just didn’t appeal to me as I found I preferred to lick at his tongue and listen to either him or me hum, unsure of whom it was. He occasionally sucked on my tongue as if he was trying to swallow it- and the feeling… It was hard to describe properly (numbing- tense?), but it felt good. He would occasionally but gently lock my tongue between his teeth, tasting all of it the best he could.  
The tongue tracing, sucking, and nibbling somehow had turned into a war, and I was losing, his tongue being pressed back into my own mouth. I didn’t mind the defeat- I preferred the invasion over my intrusion. He had me tipped back a bit, but nothing uncomfortable. The only thing it did was make me cling to him a bit more, fingers gripping at his shoulder and my thighs tightening around to his. I felt the flames that were his fingertips trail up into my shirt more, the taste of coffee distracting me from them.

I think after that, I could distinctly tell a noise I made from one of his, the feeling actually vibrating in my throat and into his own mouth- it was embarrassing… I felt him smirk, so I dug my nails briefly into his shoulders. I felt him wince, but other than that he kept licking at my mouth. I don’t know if it was because I was tipped back a bit, but I had started to get a bit dizzy. I lightly squeezed at his shoulders, followed by gently pushing him away slightly, but not removing myself from him. He put his own tongue back into his mouth and pulled away, looking me in the eyes as I caught my breath. He had this small smile on his lips… It wasn’t something I could yell at because he had looked so content- like when he had just been watching me eat…

…Did he really… Feel about me the way he did all the time? Even over simple things like eating? Why me…? Out of everyone in the world… He liked… He liked me…? The feeling made my chest hurt. Me, the worthless child who couldn’t do anything right… He like _me_. I kissed him again and removed myself from him (as much as I honestly didn’t want to).

“…Not gonna yell at me?” He asked, watching me sit next to him. “…I was… But then I had gotten distracted- so now I’m gonna.” He pouted, audibly, and I smirked and smacked him, reminding him that we needed to go help clean up our Halloween mess. He sighed, getting up and stretched. He was really tall… I watched him for a moment, trying to understand what this person saw in me that would make him want to kiss me like that. I knew it wasn’t written on his back or forehead or anything like that, but… I looked anyways. I watched him go upstairs and grab a coat, come back down and put his shoes on. I watched him unlocked his car and get in it, and I watched him drive us there. I watched him occasionally while we cleaned up, and on the way back, I feel asleep watching him drive us back.

…And even with all that looking, I didn’t know. I just knew that he liked me, and I liked him… And maybe that was enough to let things like that happen again- maybe… And maybe that’s why Sora did it- just because he liked Riku. Because he felt comfortable enough with him to do so. Because he was the type of person to make me stop worrying about our mother and all of the dreaded “what ifs” that came with her. Because he was the type to carry me inside when I was asleep for the second time and put me in his bed. Because he was the type of person to make me dinner and play me calm music all day. Because he was the type of person to tell me his crappy jokes and coddle me like I was something to be cherished. Because he was the type of person to openly stare at me while we ate and told me how wonderful he thought I looked. Because he was the type of person that made me feel comfortable, relaxed… And safe. And that was enough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> End A/N: I’ve heard somewhere the expression “Can I borrow your face”, which is something along the lines of “Lend me your ears” or “Can I speak with you”. Also, I had fun butchering the idioms at the beginning of Roxas’ usual little blurb.  
> Roxas learned to LET IT GOOOO~ LET IT GOOOOO~! XD  
> Holy shit what part of me decided adding times to the conversations was cool….? Btw, any of you know who the hacker is by chance~?  
> Axel showed Olette “My Whole Family…” By Bo Burnham. “Even my boyfriend thinks I’m gay~!” That’s their line. Axel and Roxas in a nutshell in this story. Lol The song Roxas played on the piano for the last time was KH2’s version of “Dearly Beloved”. …So I had a hard time not putting down the entire song lyrics for “You May Not Want To Hear This But”…. Like the entire thing. I wanted to. Is Roxas.
> 
> Song translation:  
> …Although in that voice of yours there was sorrow  
> You were secluding yourself but I still want  
> To memorize where’s the door, just smile  
> Inside my mouth it has always, always hurt  
> And even my index finger is somehow scaring  
> …The tragic, pessimistic myself  
> Will ruin today and tomorrow  
> To be alive, and to cheat  
> I still think there’s a difference  
> There are things I can’t remember, entwining me  
> I firmly step forward; it’s not a bad thing  
> “I already hate this world”  
> I can say, but I just want to be loved  
> I’ve always, always wanted to go away, in a distant place  
> Reconciling with that world  
> But still, if now, if tomorrow  
> Won’t change, everything will disappear  
> (HERE IS MY REPLY)


	17. Counting Days Like Sheep

Chapter XVI: Counting Days Like Sheep

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

Sleep is… A Requisite for the weary- a flower on the wayside of a desert. It’s something… That has always been comforting to me. It’s probably why I prefer the dark- simply because I assimilate it with sleep. Sleep is something that brings darkness and hallucinations of the mind without having to actually do drugs or something that could drag such things out of someone’s mind. A lack of sleep can also bring on such dreams while one is awake. Sleep… Is like dying, but without the commitment. Sleep is a comfort. Life is tiresome and draining and exhausting… It demands so much of you without any consideration. Death is honest, eternal, and calm once it finally overtakes all of you.

That’s probably why I like to sleep so much… Because part of me wants to die every time I go through life a little more, but I’m too scared to commit to it... So I just do it for a little while. It’s like an on and off lover- and the moment I’m to be married to them is the moment that I think I simply can deal with it anymore…

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

Honestly, the rest of the weekend was spent… Rather boringly. I mean, yeah we did stuff to preoccupy our time, but nothing noteworthy. …And it was the most relaxing weekend I’ve ever had. I didn’t have to do anything and I wasn’t constantly paranoid about anything in relation to my mother. The honest to god worst I had to worry about was Axel trying to put me in his lap all the damn time. But aside from that… Nothing. Not. A damn. Thing.

…It was so wonderful I would have made out with him again for it.

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

I didn’t even go home Sunday- I literally just stayed over again and went to school with Axel on Monday, my clothes being swapped for my school bag in my locker. The morning was quiet… Relaxed. He woke me up by stroking my hair and calling my name a few times, leaving the lights off. He didn’t even bother me when I took a shower, he just went and made me breakfast. It was unexpected from him… But it made me want to stay over again. The radio in the kitchen was always on, the volume low and what was actually playing was the only thing that ever changed. Regardless of what was on, I swear it had like a kind of hypnotic somewhere in it- or maybe it was the radio itself… Either way, I enjoyed whatever it played and dubbed the kitchen my favorite rooms of the house.

Trig for the next two days made me want to shoot myself, and to top it off, the next time we were gonna have class, there was a test. UGH. Wednesday was music again, and Ms. Hikaru said we needed to find a song with a “story” in it. All music was like this- she just wanted us to be conscious of it this time. She said find something that we could basically write a novel about based on it. It needed to have an intro, climax, and ending, be able to distinguish them on paper or present, due Friday. I liked her music class and all… But sometimes it was a hassle and she tried to make things much deeper than they needed to be…

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

Axel picked an entire fucking series of songs and wrote on it, handing it to her along with the list of tracks in order. She blinked at the paper, back up at him, then back down at it and shrugged, accepting it. “I’ll be sure to give a few a listen since you went through all of the trouble.” I handed her a half sheet of pinpointing what she asked for with the song “Rebecca” by Meg & Dia scrawled across the top. Olette questioned us on what we gave, saying she chose “No Good Deed” from Wicked- musicals made this assignment easy.  
“Either of you ever see it? It’s about the Wicked Witch from the Wizard of Oz and her official decision to become evil because everything she ever did always back-fired on her and the person she loved more than anything was probably dead because of her then.” I gave her wide eyes considering she said that with a straight face. It sounded really dramatic and she just…! …Wow. “I chose the Putin-P series- shit’s crazy and I don’t even want to try to “explain” anymore.” Axel said, shaking his head at the thought of it. Crazy like you, you fuckin’ nut bag… “Rebecca by Meg and Dia. …S’a love song…”

I left it at that, but they didn’t. “Oh~? A love song? Do tell my little bird.” I stopped on his foot. “…It was either that or Johanna from Sweeney Todd. Rebecca seemed a little less… Creepy.” Olette snickered, nodding. “Oh my god, I know! Guy was so creepy- and she sang like a congested humming bird.” I flung my hand out at her, wide eyes and making a grabbing motion in the air, searching for words. “…Yes…!” Was all I could manage. “Honestly a tad shocked you’ve seen that.” I said, leaning back. She crossed her arms and raised an eyebrow, pursing her lips. “…I will sing the entirety of the damn movie right now, how dare you. That movie is stinkin’ wonderful! What made you think I wouldn’t watch that in the first place?” She said, pointing a finger in my face. “I don’t know- seemed a tad… Gore-y for you, I don’t know- it just didn’t seem like you.”

“And what exactly do you know about me?” She asked, crossing her legs and her arms. “…Not a lot.” I admitted. “…Uh-huh.” She said, nodding in contentment at her win. It grew quiet… Then came a slight mumbled singing of “…I feeeeeelll yooouuuu… Joooohhhaaannaaaa…” I snickered and pursed my lips, trying not to laugh at her. “…I’ll sttteeeeeeeal yooooouuuu… Joooohhaaaannaaaa…” I mumbled back, causing her to snicker and burry her face in her arms.  
It didn’t even register with me that Axel had just dropped out of the conversation once I had started with Olette. …Weird. “…You ever see Sweeney Todd, Axel?” I asked, dragging him back in. “Nope. Take it the movie’s good the way you theater geeks are singing over it.” I punched him and Olette let out a “Heeeeey!” in a winy tone. …She wasn’t that bad. You just needed to get to know her first.

I went home and found myself downloading the Sweeney Todd soundtrack onto a CD to listen to while cleaning and doing my homework.

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

During lunch, I heard the whistling of “Pretty Women” in the hallways. “Olette!” I called after her, mind blanking on the lyrics. She stopped mid-whistle and mid-step, turning around and flashed me a smile. “Hey. I blame you by the way- it’s been stuck in my head all day! I went home and listened to the whole soundtrack! But out of all of the songs to get stuck in my head, it was _that_ one!” She complained, hovering by me. “…I know the feeling. Had The Worst Pies in London in my head- can’t hit those notes- at least not in public.” I admitted, getting her to laugh. “…I have it on my ipod if you want-“  
“Let’s go I didn’t have time to do that yesterday. They don’t need to know where I went.” I said, waving off the group who had yet to appear who I usually spent lunch with and standing up. She laughed as we hunted down an empty hallway to singing musicals to.

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

“There’s a hole in the world like a great black pit and it’s filled with people who are filled with SHIT!”  
“And the vermin of the world inhabit it~! But not for loooong!”  
“They allll deserrrrrrrve to diiiiiiie!”  
“Tell you why, Mrs. Lovette, tell you why!”  
“Because in all of the whole human race, Mrs. Lovett, there are two kinds of men-“  
“And only two! There’s the one staying put in his proper place-“  
“And the one with his foot in the other one’s face!”  
“Look at me, Mrs. Lovette, look at you!”  
“No we allllll deserrrrve to diiie!”  
“Even YOU Mrs. Lovette, even I!”

We practically belted, being over the top in our body motions that went with what we were singing. “Okay I knew that was you Olette, but I got really confused when you hit those weird notes. Turns out it wasn’t all you at all- just a guy with a chick-voice.” Olette took the earbud out of her ear and tossed it at Hayner while Pence held back a smile. I personally was embarrassed as hell. I didn’t know if they were still angry at me for what I pulled a while ago… But if they were, they didn’t show it. Hayner plopped next to Olette and poked more jabs at her while Pence stood and listened attentively, laughing at the pair.  
“…So what, just gonna sit over there and hide or something when you were fine a minute ago with Olette?” Hayner asked, kicking my shoe with his. I brushed it off, not sure how to feel about this… Just being around him reminded me why I had been an ass in the first place… Because they were good people, and my mother wasn’t, and I didn’t want them hurt because of me. I got up, brushing myself off. “No, I’ll leave.” I said, walking away and ignoring whatever he called out to me as I went back to everyone else.

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

“Where were _you_?” Sora asked as I sat in my usual place against the wall next to Axel. “None of your fucking business. I have a life aside from clinging to you or this asshat.” I said, poking my thumb at Axel, then turning my back on him and sighing, annoyed. Sora looked taken aback a bit- then noticed me taking out my headphones. “…Roxas…” He didn’t know what else to say- or how to say it. He wanted to say something. He knew something was wrong, he just didn’t know how without making it a group conversation, so he remained quiet, taking to nibbling on his lunch when he previously was stuffing his face. Axel looked bothered too, but also remained quiet and didn’t bug me with food, he just placed it next to me.

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

Saturday was work, and Rikku was still being skittish around me. I didn’t know how to point it out without being an ass about it, so I just didn’t say anything to her. Work went along pretty normal, but Rikku and Vanille went home early, making it just Marluxia, Naminé and I- or rather they went home at the normal time, we stayed later. “…Pudding?” I asked, eyeing what Naminé had on her plate. “Flan.” She corrected. Whatever the difference was, I didn’t care. There was one for everyone- so fourteen in total. They all arrived in stride, coming in as they liked. Naminé gave them their desserts to keep them occupied while we waited. Surprisingly, Xigbar wanted more, and Demyx wasn’t into it, taking rather to playing with it and tossing some of it at Larxene over eating it. She threatened to turn his insides into the pudding’s cousin if he didn’t stop. No one corrected her that it wasn’t pudding.

Once every arrived, Mr. X started the meeting. He stood, and with his favored phrase of “Friends,” Everyone was silent within moments and listened. The way he could command a crowd like that… It was a scary thing. “We are now going to discuss ideas for the Christmas feast event that is next month. I’d prefer if you were to write out a list of food ideas first, ordered by drinks, main course, and dessert.” Everyone had the exact same notepad that they all pulled out from wherever or asked to borrow a piece of paper from. Mr. X approached me and handed me one of the copies of the notepads. There was a white symbol on the front; a kind of a mix of a club, and a three pronged spear or something. It was… Original, I’ll give it that. The pen looked like it had white ink… Which was weir- okay black pages, that works.

I sat down with Naminé- who was scrawling furiously, the same as Axel a table down. Marluxia was at it in a calmer manner if not seeming to gaze off for a bit while resuming. As much as I worked with food here and was given all of these extravagant meals by Axel for lunch, I wasn’t really… I could be a smart ass and write “food” as an obvious… Okay drinks or something… Uh… Flavored iced tea? Lemonade, orange juice, apple juice, grape juice, water, flavored water, coffee, tea… I thought for a minute, realizing the drink list was easy… The food was what was bugging me. I raised my hand like I was in class, quickly shying down a bit after realizing I wasn’t in school right now. “…Um, so is this breakfast food or…?” I trailed off, loud enough for Mr. X to hear me. He looked at me with such acknowledgement that I fussed a bit in my seat. “Whatever you think they’d prefer. Depending on how well the lists go of food, we will decide based on that.”

…My list consisted of nothing but breakfast food. Pancakes, waffles, eggs, omelets, sausage, bacon, ham, hash browns, cereal, French toast, crepes, toast, bagels, muffins, doughnuts, fruit, granola, oatmeal, yogurt, breakfast pizza, pop tarts, toaster strudels, cinnamon rolls, biscuits, grits, breakfast burrito, fruit-bread, English muffins, fruit pudding, fruit jello, fruit parfait, mixed nuts, breakfast lasagna, breakfast sandwich, scones, croissant, and milkshakes and smoothies were added to the list of drinks.

Mr. X had a large list, writing down everyone’s ideas by their group number. Having m as Thirteen, I was last, Naminé was first in spite of her lacking a number. Thinking about it, our numbers were roman numerals, and there was no zero in there… Huh. It worked for her. Axel and Naminé had a list of detailed, fancy food with the intent of making it themselves if need be. When it came to me, I literally just spouted everything off like a computer, glancing up at everyone when I was done. “…What?” Demyx busted out laughing. “Duuuude!”  
“…I vote breakfast food.” Xigbar said, waving his hand like a kid trying to get attention. “That would also be easier for all of us to assist with making- not all of us are kitchen connoisseurs.” Xaldin added. Axel and Naminé slumped into their chairs out of embarrassment. “Plus it’s still early and a lot of people’s mindsets would be “why eat now when I can just wait until later- or I’ll save room for the meal before break. I know I sure as hell do it when I know there’s going to be lots of free food.” Luxord added for good measure. “Even with that list, there’s like twenty different bagel types alone. Jeeze, fuck that I’m not picking which ones we buy.” Larxene added, crossing her arms. “So are you going to be on shopping detail with me?” Marluxia asked, raising an eyebrow at her. I guess that meant we were making breakfast food…

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

“…We’re out of milk.” Mom said, closing the fridge, the shell of the container in her hand. She had probably finished it off as it were without bothering to get a cup. “…We’re also out of a few other things… We need to go shopping this weekend. Roxas you feel like coming?” She asked me as I looked up from my book at the kitchen table. Honestly, it was a toss-up going shopping with my mother. Depending on her mood, which could change at the drop of a hat, it could be a nice thing we tended to do together, or hell and all its furry. The only problem I really had with her sentence was… “Sora going somewhere?” She put the container in the recycling bin. “Riku’s.” Of course. He had been frequenting his boyfriend’s place more and more often lately… Leaving me alone with her even more often. Even right now, he was over at his house doing homework on a Tuesday and wouldn’t be back probably an hour before we retired for the night. “So long as I don’t have any major projects or lots of homework, I don’t mind.” My answer left room for a no later if need be. But if she really wanted, I would have to come regardless… She nodded, eyeing the stairs. “…We should wax those soon.” She recommended. Great. Waxed stairs. So much fun…

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

Cookie dough, oatmeal, gummy worms, coffee grinds, chocolate covered raisins, nuts, cream cheese, tea, milk, hot chocolate, eggs, pancake mix, plain chocolate bars, almond wafers, food coloring, instant noodles, and raspberries. We looked at the food as it was scanned, glancing at one another as the last item was scanned and our total given. “…We’re really going food shopping after this. Honest.” She promised, snagging a pack of gum and tossing it in as well. “…I thought this was the food.” I joked. She laughed and nudged me with her shoulder. “Well you better know how to make a dinner with this.” She pulled out some cash and paid while I finished putting the bags into our cart. “Of course. Chocolate gummy worm pancakes with eggs.” I heard her mumble “Oh my god…” Under her breath, the cashier wishing us a good day as we strolled out with our assortment of junk food. My mother had a tendency to get carried away with the sweets if you let her.

“This is why I make lists. Without out them it ends up being things like this.” She said, shaking her head as we made our way through the icy parking lot. “Well you said you had it- shame on me for trusting my own mother.”  
“I will shove you into that car then run you over with my own, so help me god.” She threatened, laughing at me. “God is not here right now. If you’d like to leave your name and a message, I’m sure he’ll be able to get back to you just as quick as he can.” I did my best imitation of a desk clerk. “Alright sure. Tell him to stop fucking me over- the least he could do is put a condom on sometimes and stop leaving me with his obnoxious children. Or some child support. That would be nice.” She mused, glancing up at the sky like she was lost in her own head for just a moment. We got to the car and she popped the trunk open and I helped her put all of the “groceries” into it. “…So we’re so going to that doughnut place right?”

“Oh of course, who the hell do you take me for?” I chuckled as I proceeded to run the cart back, putting my feet on the bar at the bottom and riding along until I got to its needed location and left it, running back as she started the car. My mother was most definitely insane… But being insane all the time was tiresome, probably even for her. She could be nice every now and then and really did love us (I think). There was just something wrong with her. She had like this weird kind of switch that just tended to be left on a lot…

We got doughnuts and coffee, casually talking about our weeks. The coffee for some reason made me fidget every time I took a sip from it, and I couldn’t place it until it was almost gone. Axel. The taste of coffee reminded me of Axel. She got another coffee to go that I didn’t bother objecting to, and then we went to go shop for _actual_ groceries. “No junk food this time- got it?” I smirked and put my hands into my jacket pockets. “You sure you should be the one lecturing me on that?” I asked, raising an eyebrow at her. “I wasn’t lecturing- I mean I was- but it was for me, not you!” We got into the car again and headed off to the store, having me silently take any junk she put into the cart out at random isles.

“But Roxas- Roxas listen to me- peanut butter. Blossom. Cookies.” She tried, waving them in my face. “You’re going to kill me later, no!” She pouted, putting them back with a huge sigh. “…Fine. Only because I will.” We passed the candy isle and she kept shooting it glances. “Mom, no. Think of all the junk we have in the car.” She sighed heavily and kept pushing the cart. I almost just kept walking… Then I saw these coffee favored hard candies. Coffee flavored… God damn it. “…I’ll go back and get those cookies you wanted if you let me get these and we’ll pretend this discussion never happened.”  
“Why aren’t my cookies in the cart yet?” She asked, shooting me a slight smile with wide eyes. I snagged a bag of the hard candies, tossing them into the cart and darting back into the isle the cookies were in, grabbing a pack and darting back, tossing them into the cart. After that, she stopped trying to pick up every snack she saw like a kid.

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

Caramel coffee. They tasted like caramel coffee… I had eaten about seven in a row now and the roof of my mouth was starting to get sore. I hadn’t noticed earlier because I was playing a handheld and was deeply involved with getting my character to kill this- SON OF A…! IT KILLED ME AGAIN! I popped another candy into my mouth, then practically kicked myself when my mouth disapproved, but didn’t spit it out. I took my character’s death as a moment to twist the bag up and put them away. No more, bad, no, stop. …But coffee though. Jeezus I may as well just go to bed early and jack off or something, holy shit…

Actually… What time was it? If it was still early, I could just get into the shower... Less to clean up that way. I turned the game off and got up, stretching. I got this anxious feeling pooling in the pit of my stomach as I crunched on the hard candy in my mouth. I knew it was because I was getting a tad hyped up over it… I mean it’s not like it’s been that long… Right? I mean it’s not like I clocked myself or anything! That’s a really weird version of narcissism… “Mom! I’m taking a shower!” I called to her. “Alright.” Came the reply from where ever she was in the house. I shut and locked the door to the bathroom, stripped my clothing off, tested the water, then turned it on and got in.

I didn’t just instantly start getting all... You know… I actually showered first. Hair first, then washing my body, then my teeth and then I could relax. I closed my eyes for a minute, listening to the shower water hit me and fall off onto the bottom of the tub, the temperature probably a bit too cold for some people. Now that I was in here, I kinda just wanted to plug the tub and read in here or something… But remembering the original reason why I got in here started to make me shift my weight a bit and feel a tad anxious again…

Now this was the awkward part. Me. Trying to think of something attractive to get off to. That was always awkward. A habit I had developed was putting music on or something so if I made a noise, I wouldn’t have to hear myself and I’d feel less embarrassed. It also meant there was less of a chance of someone hearing me. The shower was only okay because of the water hitting the tub. Doing things like this when it was quiet… I don’t think I’d ever be able to deal with that. Too many noises on top of everything else. Another thing I was grateful for… Was that my own head was at least mine. No one could intrude or pull things out of it and I didn’t have to share with anyone. It was mine.

…So I could think of him and his coffee tasting tongue all I liked.

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

“Feel refreshed?” Mom asked as she caught me coming out of the shower. I nodded, still a bit dazed and sat back down on the couch and turned on the TV. I had no intention of watching it. “Oh, hey, your brother just called. Said he was staying the night at Riku’s again.”

Great. More alone time for me then you asshole.

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

The week went by with much to do about nothing. Sora missed lunch Wednesday to go make out with Riku- or so Kairi said. I wouldn’t doubt it though. We discussed more in depth what we were doing for the food and the like with the Organization. I found a new artist called Parenthetical Girls and proceeded to download everything they had from a torrent without regrets. Axel offered for me to come over to his house again, I declined. I ran out of coffee candies by Thursday. I failed my math test, we had another in science Friday.

So now… I was home alone right now, zoning out of my bedroom window while I was supposed to be doing homework. Mom was still at work, and Sora was at Riku’s again. I was… Being left behind. It was to the point where I was starting to wonder if I wasn’t even worth my mother’s time anymore. She even raised her hand to me over the garbage during the week, just looked at me and sighed heavily, leaving. She didn’t even hit me- not once… I was… Being forgotten about. I should be happy- she didn’t hit me, and Sora gets to be with his boyfriend… Yet why did I feel… Feel so… So… So **_fucking_** anxious? I tossed my pencil onto my bed, getting up and stretching. I was just antsy. That’s all. I just needed to do something… Do… **_Something_**. Physical.

…I should go clean.

I went into the kitchen and proceeded to get things out to scrub the inside of the oven out. That took a bit over an hour. I moved it and cleaned underneath it, cleaned the drawer under it, the top of it… That took about a half hour. I cleaned the microwave, the toaster, the sink, underneath the sink… I screamed and tossed a sponge across the room, it hitting the wall and leaving suds everywhere. The feeling wasn’t going away. I gripped at my hair, grinding my teeth. I still felt like everything inside of me was sinking without my head and my actual body. Just everything inside was liquid and falling through me… I couldn’t breathe and I kept shaking. I hate this… It was so quiet and it was getting dark and I was all alone and I felt like a brat and I needed to do my homework and I should call Axel FUCK Axel I need to get that sponge and clean the wall did I already clean the oven could I reach the ceiling to clean that too when was the last time the floor was bleached and I should just-

I shot up and ran out the back door, proceeding to face plant into the snow that was present. Shhh… Quiet… Quiet head, shut up… Shhh… Fuck this was cold… But I didn’t want to move… I needed to move, but I didn’t want to move… The prickling feeling reminded me I was okay. I was right here. I just needed to calm down. Just breathe… God my face was cold… Mom would kill me if I walked into the house covered in snow- and I was out here without a coat… Ugh… At that thought, I forced myself up, went back into the house, stripped, took care of my clothes, cleaned up my mess and showered.

I was okay. I’m okay. Relax, Roxas… It’s okay…

I dried my hair, my phone vibrating. I grabbed it, looking at the caller. “…Hello?” I asked. “…Hi.” Came the muted reply. “Um, I know this is random and I probably should have messaged you first but… Can we talk?” The voice on the other end asked. “…About?” I prompted, sitting down on my bed and drying my hair some more. “…Anything I guess…? I’m home alone right now and kind of getting-  
“Angst ridden? Tell me about it…” She laughed, then it was quiet for a moment. I checked the phone to make sure she was still there. “…Yeah…” It was then quiet again, but nothing awkward. She just needed to know I was still here. “…So I found a new artist this week.” I started. “Really? You’ll have to put some of their music on your mp3 to show me at the shop!” Just a little conversation like this was nice… I was glad Naminé called me. I guess right now we were both kind of… Kind of feeling lonely.

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

Naminé enjoyed listening to Parenthetical Girls, threatening to steal my music player all day. “They’re so… Sensually quirky!” I nodded. “Right? Reminds me of a circus…” She snapped her fingers and nodded. “That’s it! Or like 1920’s jazz.” I nodded, smiling at her. “Seriously. It’s really cool but sometimes the vibrato in his voice gets me feeling a little off put towards it.” We kept talking about it, our conversation eventually flowing into another and another, then we parted ways and went home.

The rest of the week was fine- but then I started having a freak out in the middle of transitioning from lunch to gym. My mind decided to recognize all of the people around me and I started getting Closter phobic. I got shaky and panicky and I couldn’t breathe and… I couldn’t do it. I pushed passed people and headed for the nearest bathroom and just sat in a stall with the door locked and cried with my hands over my mouth for an hour.

I hate this… I hate this so much… When I got home, mom instantly started freaking out on me for skipping class. Our parents get automated calls if we’re not in class. I didn’t bother to explain even though she gave me the chance. She screamed in my face to reply as to what the fuck I was doing while I skipped out on gym and I just watched the floor, hoping it would swallow me up. Sora stood awkwardly in the door way with no way to get passed her or I. I was tempted to call her a “fat bitch” while telling her she needed to move, but my tongue felt like led and everything just felt tired for some reason. “Roxas, I said _answer me_. What are you fucking deaf?” She smacked me on the side of my head and it made my world spin a bit, but it only got me to sigh. I just… Felt so tired right now. I didn’t want to deal with this…

“You fucking stupid? Not getting what I’m saying? Or is your tongue fucked up?” She smacked me again, a faint echo. I heard the front door open and then close, and then Sora was gone. She threatened to carve my head open or cut my tongue out for not using it. She even dragged me into the kitchen and threatened me with a pair of scissors, holding them close to my eye. “ROXAS!” She screamed at me. “…What…?” I asked, sounding tired like she hadn’t just screamed at me like she had. I watched her expression drop in disbelief, then morph into pure anger as she raised the scissors to stab me with them.

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

I was bleeding all over my bed. This really hurt… I just wanted to go to sleep… Sora had messaged me, saying to call him if I could or at least text him… He was at Riku’s, so he was okay. Was I okay? Please reply… Roxas it’s getting late are you okay? Roxas? Roxas…? Roxas please answer me! I’m getting worried! Several missed calls.

I just went to sleep… I had patched it up the best I could, but there was still blood all over the place… What got blood stains out again…? Who cares… I hope I stitched arm right… It moved fine, so I don’t think she damaged anything… I was just so tired and it smelled like copper in my room and I just… I just felt so tired, even before she stabbed me and I lost who knows how much blood…

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

“…as…! Roxas!” I heard the familiar calling of my brother and swatted at him. “…I’m not going today, fuck that…” I grumbled, my arm sending a piercing pain throughout me that woke me up more. It had been doing that all night… “Roxas it’s two am, get up- please.” He called, his voice shaking- begging. I sighed, turning over to him and sitting up. He looked mortified. “…What happened…?”  
“You just get back? She’s gonna freak you kno-“  
“Roxas…!” He hissed at me. “…She stabbed me with scissors.” I said, shrugging while looking out of the window again and getting reminded yet again that I had a new flesh wound. Sora looked like he was either going to smack me or start crying, I couldn’t tell which. He grabbed my hands and dragged me downstairs. “Where are we-“ He shushed me and grabbed out coats, handing me mine. …We were… Leaving…? He shut and locked the door, taking us to a car two blocks down. Riku was in the driver’s seat. “…I’m not getting in until you tell me where we’re going.”

“We’re going to a _hospital_ Roxas. You need to get that looked at.” I glanced over at Riku. How much did he know? What did Sora tell him? What did he tell him about _me_? …Hell no. “…I’m going back to bed, you’re fucking ridiculous.” I said, turning and heading back to the house. “I’M RIDICULOUS!?” He screamed at me, potentially waking the neighbors and grabbing my wrist. “Roxas…! This is… This is…” He groaned, running his hands through his hair. “It’s messed up! And you’re even more messed up for thinking that you can just sew that up yourself and sleep it off!”

“…Thanks for calling your own brother fucked up in front of your boyfriend, Sora, thanks. Makes me feel real loved here.” I pried my arm the best I could from him while trying not to hurt it. “Well maybe you need to hear it!” He hissed at me. “…Sora. She’s gonna kick your ass- no, _my_ ass because _you’re_ not home and are practically trying to kidnap me right now. Good fucking night, I’ll see you tomorrow.” I started stomping back to the house, pissed I had gotten woken up at 2am for this shit… The car door slammed and Sora chased after me while the car itself turned on and slowly kept up with us. “Roxas…!” Sora called after me, sounding hurt. I know why he was doing it… He felt obligated. I was his brother and I was getting hurt in front of him. He was probably tired of it… So very tired of it… I was tired too… So very… Very… Tired…

I didn’t want to live here anymore… Sora followed me all the way back home, trying to convince me to go. I just tuned him out, hung my coat up, removed my boots, and went back to my blood covered bed to sleep. Sora didn’t come up to his bed. He didn’t come inside. I heard muted talking from outside, a car door shut and then it was quiet again. He had left. He didn’t want to be here, so he wasn’t going to be if he could help it… I didn’t blame him. If I could help it, I’d leave too… But why leave if I was just going to get dragged back or dropped off here when it was all said and done? If I was going to leave, it would be once and for all, not just odd nights at a friend or boyfriend’s house like Sora. I was just so tired of trying to find ways to get out of here… So tired of it… I could just keel over from the exhaustion of it all.

…There really was something wrong with me, but… I was too tired to even care about myself anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> End A/N: Yum~ Roxas in the shower~! Lol I felt so embarrassed writing this (so I kinda didn’t~) in spite of all of my nasty one shots and I can’t DEAL BABY (But I’ve totally decided on their screw song, it’s wonderful… I’m in love.)  
> But seriously, there’s a reason why he seems more angst-y in this chapter.  
> The image on the notepad (if you didn’t get it shame on you) was the symbol for a Nobody.  
> I honestly have to yell at my mom sometimes when we go shopping because we seriously will end up with a cart full of junk. …It’s wonderful~  
> The date for the Winter Food event was changed to a half day before the break. I also went back and fixed some other haphazard of this story’s format, so it’s okay now. I’ve also noticed chapters 4 and 6 didn’t really have any “official” internal blurbs. Sorry about that guys/gals/anything in between!


	18. Coffee Candy and Cigarettes

Chapter XVII: Coffee Candy and Cigarettes

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

Addictions aren’t just negative things or drugs or alcohol. It’s just something you can’t stop yourself from doing. It’s a struggle. It’s painful to not do something for a while. It’s something you insist you can’t function without. It’s something that you feel you need to keep going. A habit, a “lucky” object, repetitive use of something, talking to others… They’re all things that we feel we “can’t” do without out. But we can. We don’t need to fall into routine, or keep objects or constantly use something or speak with anyone at all. We’re only made to think we need to. So… When does “habit” turn into “addiction”?

Was it after I was on my seventh bag of coffee flavored candies? When he had smoked his fifth pack of cigarettes? When she had gotten her second pet to cure the loneliness? When her friends moved into her apartment with her? When he had kissed his neck for the millionth time? When was the line drawn, and was it in sand or stone? Who defined the lines? Could they be moved? Bent? Why did it even matter…? The only thing that was being hurt by it was the roof of my mouth and my stomach, but I’d prefer that over the feeling I’d get when my stomach was empty every other night…

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

My phone rang at 6am. It was Sora. I was going to kill him. I answered it, grumbling into the phone. “…You either go to school or the hospital or I’m telling.” I rolled my eyes in my half-awake stupor. “Tell who?” I dared, rubbing my eye with the palm of my hand. “Axel.” He said harshly into the phone. I froze. He wouldn’t. “…Sora, I get your angry, but you’re not thinking.” I reminded him. His emotions tended to get the best of him while mine tended to be frozen. “If I fake going to school, she’s just going to do it again. If I outright go and tell her, she’s going to get pissed because that’s another hospital bill because of me. I’m better off doing what I’m doing.” He was quiet.

“…Sora?” The phone clicked. He hung up. I sighed and flopped over onto my bed. …I’m sorry… I know why you’re getting so upset… I’m really sorry… But there’s nothing I can do about that, Sora… My phone rang again and I answered it. I heard screaming in the background and loud thuds. “…Sorry.” It was Riku. “He’s just really stressed out over it.”  
“…What exactly are you defining as “it”?” I asked, sitting up straighter. “…Everything. He tells me a lot you know.” No, I didn’t. I would have never known with the way he acts, but it’s understandable that he’d know. “…You gonna keep him safe?” I asked into the phone. This was a silent deal. Right now, everything was very tense. So, Sora needed to calm him down when he was being irrational like he was right now. And if I couldn’t do it then… Then I needed to entrust him to Riku. “Even if it means hurting him.” He replied in a brutally honest manner. “…Good- but I wouldn’t want that. …You…” I lowered my tone. “You mean a lot to him…”

“…You mean a lot to him too you know. It’s why he’s currently trashing my room.” A loud thud, potentially something breaking. “…And why I’m letting him.” He said with a chuckle. I sighed and put my hand to my shoulder, gently rolling it since the stiffness of it on top of the wound was hurting. “Sorry about that… You wanted one of the crazies though.” I warned. “True, true. I sometimes wonder if I got the least crazy one or the slowly boiling pot.” I scoffed. “You never know with him.” I said with a sigh, and it was quiet for a moment while Sora screamed in the background and tossed something else. “Sora, please don’t break that.” I heard Riku say quietly to him. There was a growl, and then it was quiet, then there was shattering of something. I heard Riku sigh. “…Just go to school and at least see the nurse okay? He’s seriously freaking the hell out and hasn’t calmed down since he got here. He’s been like a live wire and only keeps getting fed more wattage the more he worries.” I sighed. “…Fine. Just don’t let him hurt himself- he’s a klutz.” I reminded. There was a chuckle from him. “No more than you are. I’ll calm him down, you go get yourself looked at, okay?”

“Okay.” The phone clicked, and I sighed and curled back up in bed.

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

Noon. I got up and took a shower, getting dressed (painfully), and walking downstairs to eat something. I walked to school, then headed straight for the nurse like I was ever so kindly requested of by my brother freaking the hell out. The nurse was shocked by the wound at first, but calm down. My shoddy stich job from my hand that wasn’t my main just made it look worse than it really was. It was deep, so it did need them, but based on me being able to move it (even though it hurt like shit), it was okay. She recommended I should still get it looked at by our family doctor and then let me go. I ducked out after that and went back home, flopping down on my disgusting smelling bed and groaning. I sat there for a minute, just taking in the copper smell, then got up and washed the sheets and blankets and pillows.

In spite of mom freaking the fuck out over me skipping yesterday, we had kind of formed a silent agreement on things like this. If she wigged out and hurt me, I didn’t have to go the next day or even up to three days depending on the damage and what day of the week it was. So me going and then not really going was okay for right now. If my arm was really fucked up, she would have taken me to a specific doctor; a friend of a friend. It’s why she got away with so much shit. He wouldn’t tell so long as she paid him enough. To everyone else who’d ever seen me in that field, I was probably some weird ass kid on drugs or had mental problems like schizophrenia or something.

I washed all of the blood out of the sheets and then put them in the washer, sitting on my naked bed and sighing. I just wanted to jump out of a window… And not survive. Not really… That would hurt Sora too much. And me. That would suck… Ow. I sighed and pulled another bag of coffee candies out of a bag. I had bought two more bags on the way home and proceeded two eat all of them in one sitting while listening to Parenthetical Girls. By the time I was done, it was time for her to get back from work, us from school. I got up and went to finally get the laundry. I heard her in the kitchen. “…Anything major?” She asked. “No.” I called back, disregarding the nurse’s memo to go see a real doctor. She said it was fine. I got my sheets and took them back to my bed, fixing everything up as it was, taking longer than normal. I heard the front door open and assumed it was either Sora or she was leaving again.

I heard a storm of feet upstairs and glanced to the closet, but what good would hiding there do for me regardless of whom it was? The door was slammed open so hard that it probably took the paint off of the wall. Sora stormed over to his side of the room, dumped his bag of clothes onto the bed, and started shoving new clothes from his dresser into his bag. He didn’t even look at me; he was still seething. I watched him as he shoved other odds and ends into his bag and then left.

…What… What was this…? We had always gotten along pretty well, so… What was this? Sora was seriously angry at me… He finally snapped… Huh? Sora had finally not been able to take me being hurt anymore- no… That wasn’t it. He was mad that I had stopped caring about myself. He was mad I didn’t care enough to even let someone look at it. He was mad that I had given up on myself… He was angry at me.

My phone buzzed. I read the message:  
 **Sora:**...Your arm okay?  
‘More or less. Hurts like fuck, but I should be alright.’  
 **Sora:** “Should be?” I will run back upstairs and smack it, what does that mean Roxas?  
‘It means it hurts like hell right now but she said I would be okay, so relax alright? I went to see the nurse today like I promised, chill.’  
 **Sora:** “Chill” He says…  
 **Sora:** I should have stabbed you myself.  
 **Sora:** God I’m just so… ANGRY right now!  
‘…I know… I’m sorry…’

He stopped replying to me after I sent that. I sighed and just sat on my bed, looking out the window. It was cold as fuck out there now… I should just go throw myself in it again… Shoulder first. My fucking- are you allowed to even put ice on stitches or gashes this big or whatever? Where’s the computer…

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

Sora spent the entire weekend at Riku’s again. He was practically living over there now. Mom seemed to be okay with it- or maybe not. She did attempt to throw seven pairs of shoes at me and throw flicks of bubbling grease in my direction… She was probably agitated by it, but felt like she either had not right to say anything or had to let him grow up. Either way, she never told him no. Not Monday. Or Tuesday. …Or Friday. It was the weekend again and I don’t know what I did all week. I honestly can’t tell you. I vaguely remember carrots and this weird ass ginger peach tea with lunch or something.

I didn’t really see much of my brother, and my mind blocked everyone else out. I was just so mute that even mom didn’t do much in relation to me for the rest of the week either. I felt so miserable, but I kept turning down Axel’s requests to come over. I knew it would just be the same thing, different location. I felt like everything I did just made me tired and I just wanted to sleep… So I’d get home, do what was required of me in terms of house work, then pass out until the next day. I had dropped eating again since I was sleeping so much. It was to the point where I vaguely remember Axel even pointing it out so he brought me less food for lunch since I wasn’t eating it.

The weekend was here again, and Sora was back in our room, dumping things on his side of the bed again. I wanted to say something to him, but… “…So what’s it like?” I asked after a moment, staring at his pile of clothes on his bed. “What?” He asked, stopping and looking over at me. “…What’s it like- getting to run away?” He tossed a balled up shirt at me. “…Better than watching you get hurt…” He grumbled. “You could still talk to me, you know.” I reminded, knowing damn well he avoided me all week. Lunch in particular proved my point since he never showed, nor Riku, nor Kairi. “…I could.” But he wouldn’t. He was being stubborn. “You’re practically living over there.” I added, looking out the window at the snow that was piling up. Was it already this late into December…? “So what if I am? She hasn’t said anything about it.”

…She hadn’t. I’d also noticed that. “…You know you…” I stopped, choking silently for a moment. “…You should ask her. If you can actually… You know, live there.” I offered, pulling my ankles up onto my bed and holding onto them. He stopped moving and just looked at me for a moment. He was probably thinking the same thing I was with a hint of “does he not want me around anymore” or something along those lines. He looked over at his bag and sighed. “…I just… I’m tempted to…” He sighed and sat down on the edge of his bed. “…But I don’t know how I’d even ask that… Right now, it’s okay and she hasn’t really… But what if I ask and she freaks? What if she doesn’t let me go over there again- like ever?” He asked, looking up from his hands to me with a worried expression.

That was a possibility. “But there’s also the possibility that she’ll snap from you always being over there since you live here.” I pointed out. He groaned, scrubbing his face with his hands and flopping over onto his bed. He was quiet and I knew what he was thinking… Even if we weren’t twins… I knew. “…I’ll ask her.” He removed his hands from his face to look at me with a mixture of shock and horror. “…Roxas, I couldn’t have yo-“  
“Get you out of here? If she’ll let it happen, it’s worth asking for. If you have an out Sora… Take it.” He didn’t say anything and looked frozen in his fear. I got up, finished packing his bag for him and offered it to him. He took it numbly and I forced him to stand up and pushed him towards the door. He looked over his shoulder, looking petrified. I waved him off like I didn’t really care, sitting back down on my bed and looking out the window again so I wouldn’t have to look at him. “…Roxa-“  
“Just go. You’re keeping Riku waiting, don’t be an ass.” There was a long pause, then I heard him leave. Don’t cry you jackass… You’re not allowed to cry because then you’ll make me cry… Jeezus…

I listened to the car pull away, think about Sora trying not to trip over his own feet through his tears as he went to Riku’s car. He knew I adored him- it was why I was trying to get him out of this place… I also knew he would try to tell Riku he couldn’t stay with him for whatever reason he could make up- so I messaged him.  
‘Don’t let Sora try to talk you out of letting him stay there. If I can convince our mom… You need to convince him it’s alright to stay there without me.’  
 **Riku:** If I cant I cant. U kno how he gets. Stop texting me rn, Im driving  & consoling a hysterical teenager.

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

I didn’t know how to ask her about Sora. I had thought about it for a good few hours and even then felt like I hadn’t come up with anything at all. I was too anxious and freaking out way too much and my mouth tasted like pre-vomit and my stomach hurt and I wanted to cry and music wasn’t helping…

“…Mom?” I asked, standing nervously next to her as she sat on the couch, reading a novel. “…Can I ask you something?” She turned the page, pausing for a moment before closing it. “You just did.” Haha… Kind of a bit too anxious for fucking jokes mom… “…Something else- And not that- or this…?” She patted the spot next to her on the couch. I was hesitant- sitting would probably make me more anxious than standing… But I still sat. “…What…” I pulled my ankle up on the couch and held it, mortified of whatever her reaction would be. The feeling kept me shaking and my throat dry and my head reeling so much it was like it had stopped moving completely. “…Um… What do you think about…” I took a deep, shaking, breath- and she rubbed my back. “…It’s okay.”

…I think… People don’t realize something about my mom. She’s crazy, potentially insane, is most definitely abusive, but… She’s still my mom. Yeah I think a lot of mean shit about her and point out a lot of her flaws, but... She’d still kick someone’s ass for me if she needed to. She’d still try to calm me down when I was clearly but quietly panicking. There was just something wrong with her that I don’t think she can help. “…What do you think about how much time Sora’s been spending… Well… _Not_ spending… Here…?” I looked up at her and her hand stopped rubbing circles into my back. She sighed and removed it, angling herself to face me better. “Well… How do you feel about it?”

Oh god she’s going to try to make it one of _those_ talks… But… “I don’t… I don’t know.” She raised an eyebrow. “…Then take a moment to think about it. I’ll wait.” Oh great… But… I’d kind of been avoiding this thought for a while now… How would I feel about Sora leaving? It’s a thought that always kept plaguing me, but… I never actually addressed it… I… “…I don’t like it.” She took in a deep breath through her nose, nodding and rubbing my leg. “And that’s okay. I don’t either.” She laughed a bit, but it was tinged with nervousness and threatening to break into tears if something wrong was said. “…But it was bound to happen sooner or later. I guess being here made it sooner rather than later.”

It was odd… It was kind of like… One of those unspoken things that everyone knew but no one would actually _say_ here. Her crazy was the elephant in the room here- and she had just addressed it. “I just don’t want him to be bothering the friend that he’s staying with.” I almost scoffed out loud. Right. Like that would be a problem. “Well… What if he were to try to live there or something?” She was quiet for a moment. “…Did he ask you to ask me?”  
“What- no. I just… Wanted to know what you’d do.” She eyed me apprehensively. “…Uh-huh. Well… Some kids are living all by themselves at your age. But you two aren’t “some kids”- you’re my kids… And that kid of upsets me. I’d understand it, but if that’s what you really wanted… There wouldn’t be much I could do about it in a little over a year… I would just want you to give me at least until then to yell at you all the time.” She laughed, giving me a smile.

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

I messaged Sora. He replied, shocked, but accepting. He told me he wanted to stay with Riku. I didn’t reply and went to bed.

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

I couldn’t sleep.

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

I put my headphones in a few hours later- it didn’t help.

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

It was 2am, I got up and put my jacket on, decided to go for a walk. I just walked. I had no idea where I was going, but I didn’t want to be home. Home. Alone. With her. And not Sora anymore. He wouldn’t be in that place anymore. I was stuck alone with her. I didn’t have anyone I trusted enough to tell about my relationship with my mother, yet alone ask to stay with them for who-knows how long. Axel was nice and all, but not an option in all realism. I walked with my headphones in, hands in my pockets and nose quickly turning red. It was dark and the street lights were just so perfectly spaced that as soon as you were in ethereal darkness, another was there to light your path within the next step. I just walked. I didn’t want to sit there- or rather… I _couldn’t_ just sit there. My brain wouldn’t turn off. It just kept running and running and…

So I needed to physically wear it out. I’m so selfish… I’ve always wanted him to get out of here, so why wasn’t I happy for him? It was bullshit and I should be happy- be happy you selfish son of a bitch! “GOD FUCKING DAMN IIIIIIIIIIT!!!”

…My throat hurt…

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

It was freezing and I had probably been walking for a few hours. I had no idea where I was. I didn’t really care much either. My mp3 player was dying- _I_ felt like I was dying I was so tired and numb from the snow. My legs had started to hurt and become stiff from the cold, but my mind wasn’t really registering it- it was like it had all of the paperwork and read over it, it just didn’t feel like stamping it. I should really get home and cut the melodrama… I should be happy… Mom would be up in less than two hours. I should be home… I’d been walking for a long time now… How long would it take me to walk home? I eyed a large snowbank and sat in it for a moment, resting and letting my head reel without registering any of it within the next few seconds.

God it’s cold… And I’m so fucking tired… I don’t wanna walk for another two hours home… Fuck it I’m taking a nap…

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

When I woke up, everything hurt. It was hard to move and the feeling instantly sent me into a panic. I sat up, snow falling off of me, the motion making all of the muscles that it required to scream in protest. Everything hurt… Where the hell even was I? Nice going Roxas… I stood up, everything feeling heavy and raw and attempted to walk home.

…That took me three hours between my slow movement and shitty sense of direction. It was probably after one when I got home, an entourage of people in a panic inside of my house. “ROXAS!” Sora instantly shot up from the couch and attacked me, his eyes swollen- apparently he had been crying. “Where the hell were you, you stupid…!” He yelled into my shoulder. “Ugh…!” Mom got off of the phone and Riku stood nearby. “What the hell were you thinking?! Where the fuck were you!?” She screamed, separating Sora from me and looking me in the eyes, pure terror gracing them.

…I wasn’t. I just wanted to be anywhere but here for a bit. “Roxas are you okay? God you look freezing- I’ll get you something to drink- Riku can you run a bath please?” Sora asked, running into the kitchen. “Roxas, where were you- answer me…!” …They were smothering me. Neither of them really gave a shit… He was leaving, she was fucking insane… So naturally, they were just going through the motions. If I were to really be missing, they’d eventually get over it.  
I pushed her away as hard as I could and stormed out of the house, a parked car nearby opening and a red-head exiting. “I got him.” I heard him grumble to my mom and followed. “Roxas…!” I felt a hand on my shoulder and smacked him away as hard as I could, my skin stinging from being raw. I put in my headphones, forgetting it had died sometime as I lay passed out in a snowbank.

They were decent noise blockers, so I left them in anyways. He called my name every few steps, staying behind me and my jagged steps with legs that refused to work for me. If he really wanted to, he could have reached out and snatched me up, but he didn’t. See? He didn’t really give a shit- just going through the motions… That was all anybody ever did, and it drove me fucking nuts… Motions, motions, motions, fucking **_MOTIONS_** HURT IT FUCKING HURT TO MOVE!!! I barely heard him say something over my headphones, but it made me quit and trip, sitting on my knees and just started crying.

Axel sat next to me, pulling me close to his chest and stroking my hair. He kept whispering things to me, but I wasn’t listening and couldn’t hear over my pathetic, melodramatic sobbing. God I’m such a fucking baby… I should be happy right now! Why the hell am I like this?! Why the hell am I such a piece of shit?! “…I don’t know…” I grumbled into his shirt. He looked down at me, then realized what I had been replying to. _“What the hell is wrong with you…?”_ That’s what he had asked just loud enough so I could hear him. _  
_“I don’t know…!” He shushed me and stroked my hair. The one thing I noticed is that he never said “it’s okay” or “it’ll be okay” or anything like that… Not once. “…Come here…” He picked me up and walked me back to his car and getting into the back with me, turning the heat on. He took his jacket off and put it on me, pulling me closer to him. He sighed, running his hand through his hair. “…You drive me nuts, you know that…?”

I mumbled an apology to him, making him sigh again. He reached over me and even farther, making only the part of his legs below his knees in the seat, reaching to the passenger seat of his car to grab a pack of cigarettes. Oh yeah… He did say he smoked, but I never really officially believed him since I’d never seen him do it. He pulled one out along with the lighter he kept in the pack and set it ablaze expertly, taking a long drag on it. He sighed, letting out a cloud of smoke into the air. It smelled sweet… “…Want one?” You’d think he’d be the type to lecture you on how bad it was and to not be like him but…

“…Yes.” He pulled another out, told me how to hold it, how to light it, how to make sure I didn’t choke like the idiots in the movies, how to put it out, and then let me have at it. It burned my chest down to right before my stomach and then I let it out, the feeling being warm in a painful kind of way. “When you first start smoking them, you get a little high- just a little- but then after that it’s kind of just habitual…” I sat in the back of his car with him, warming up gradually and smoking the rest of his cigarettes, the butts accumulating in a pile in his car ashtray. He let the radio play on low, a habit of his I’d come to like, running his fingers through my hair absent mindedly- another habit he’d started to develop that I also was starting to like.

“…You wanna talk?” He asked after about five minutes of us being out of cigarettes. I shook my head. Whatever brand that was would forever be engraved on my tongue and make me think of him… “…I just wanna lay here for a bit…” I didn’t want to talk about it- I probably should. But I didn’t want to right now. I just wanted to listen to the barely audible music, smell the remnants of smoke in his car, and curl into his warmth. He leaned down and kissed my forehead, mumbling into it, “If you ever feel like talking, even if it’s two minutes from now or two years, I’ll listen to you.” He pulled away and looked at me to make sure I understood him. “…Aw… What a nice pseudo boyfriend.” He scoffed and kissed me on my lips.

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

“…You smell like cigarettes.” Sora mumbled from his bed. I finished drying my hair, not answering him. I had eventually went inside, not saying anything to anyone and got into the bath, just sitting there for about an hour or so, mind finally quiet with the taste of cigarettes on my tongue and skin still tingling. “…I told mom I wasn’t leaving.” I looked over at him, completely taken aback by his statement. “…Why?”  
“…Because that wouldn’t be fair to my stupid little brother who thinks it’s okay to take midnight walks and not come back until over thirteen hours later.” He lectured. “…I’m sorry… I didn’t even mean to… I just…” I sat on the bed, feeling guilty. I had made him feel guilty enough to stay when he could have left… That wasn’t fair… God I’m such an asshole… “…You shouldn’t stay here if you can help it. Don’t worry about me just-“

“ _Don’t **worry about you**_?” He asked, his eyes instantly ablaze. “Roxas you damn near got frost bite! YOU EVER GOOGLE THAT SHIT?! You just fucking up and got up at who knows what damn time and walk around and stay out until a few hours ago?! Are you serious?! YOU COULD HAVE DIED BECAUSE YOU’RE SO… SO _STUPID_!!!” I can honestly say I’ve never heard my brother yell like that in all the years I’ve known him. “Jeezus, Roxas! Do you even know how worried we were?! Axel was _much_ farther away than I was and he got here before me and found out at the same time if not later! He could have died speeding here he was so worried about you! I don’t think I’ve ever seen him so serious- _over. You!_ You fucking IDIOT!” He grabbed the bedside lamp and tossed it at me. I ducked, mortified at how angry he was.

“Do you even know how much trouble you caused?! I thought I was gonna fucking have a heart attack! Mom fucking had the police here, Roxas!!! It was that bad! Don’t **_DO SHIT LIKE THAT!_** ” He screamed, tugging at his hair and pacing looking like he was going to murder someone- most likely me. “And then you throw a fucking hissy fit when we worry over you and go **_back outside!!!_** My fucking god I could strangle you right now!”

…This went on for about an hour with him screaming and yelling and calling me stupid among other things and throwing things at me and pacing and... And I don’t know what’s wrong with me, but I know _something_ is wrong with me if it makes other feel like this…

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

Mom had me get a quick inspection from head to toe at the hospital to make sure I hadn’t needed anything to get cut off or hurt myself more than I appeared. Aside from the old scissor wound and scars, I was fine. She was mortified, asking me about every five minutes if I wanted something or if I was okay and Sora just kept shooting me glares every time she did. In spite of that, he’d still randomly bring me things like water or just sit there. He was like an angry puppy…

The next day went by with very little words exchanged between me and anyone. She said I didn’t have to go to school, but I’d prefer to go in pain over everyone asking why I was out- I’d done that for a long time now. Axel had yanked me aside during lunch and sat by a door with me, just watching me eat a handful of coffee flavored hard candies and smoking one of his cigarettes in between. When I came back, Sora scrunched up his nose and gave me a funny look.

When we were walking home, he asked me about it. “…Are you just around him when he’s smoking or are you smoking cigarettes too?” He asked, his fists clenched on his bag and his eyes steady in front. “…I’ve had about five now.” I admitted. His eye twitched. “…You’re so fucking stupid… I don’t know how I didn’t notice it before… And you want me to just go live with Riku… God you’re a selfish ass…” He grumbled. So me wanting him to go was selfish, but me wanting him to stay was also selfish? So I wasn’t allowed to want anything at all…?

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Tuesday was… Awkward. We didn’t have to go to school on account of it being a personal holiday. “…I just don’t feel like it today… Getting all excited over it I mean…” He grumbled from his bed, staring at the ceiling. “I know that’s normally your thing about birthdays, but I’m borrowing it this year.” He said with a scoff. “I just wanna make out with my boyfriend and eat cake and watch shitty movies with my almost-frost-bitten-brother.” He said, tossing a pair of used socks at me. “Ew…” I tossed them on the floor. I was glad he was at least attempting to make jokes and not cursing anymore, but there was still tension in the air between us. “The socks or you imagining me making out with Riku?”

“Both.” He turned over and looked over at me, cocking a smirk. “Don’t even. I don’t even want to think about what you did in Axel’s car.” I took my socks off of my feet, peeling them deliberately and throwing them at him as well. “Nothing. I smoked his cigarettes and warmed up.” He swatted my socks away. “Oh yes. Nice and warm, steamy sex~” I rolled my eyes, sitting up. “I’m gonna kill you.” He smirked and I sat on the edge of his bed. I’m assuming he was trying to joke because he’d prefer to let me forget about it now since I already had felt like shit over it- that and I almost got seriously hurt if it had been any colder that night.

“So what kind of cake did you ask for?” He adjusted himself so he could put his head on my lap. “Chocolate with rainbow sprinkles and I told her to leave it like that and give me a sea of writing-icing.”  
“…I hope you know I’m writing “happy birthday you gay shit” on it.” He nodded in approval. “I look forward to it- better be in all different colors too.”

“Of course.”

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

The cake was a fucking mess. Kairi and Riku were allowed over- one of the very few days they were ever really- and all hell had broken loose. “…My god we are gonna get so much shit for this.” It had turned into a frosting war, and then the cake accidentally got grabbed. Sora laughed and yanked Riku over, licking at him so hard you could see their tongues trading off. I fake gagged with a finger in my mouth and Kairi laughed. “Taste fine to me.” He said, licking his boyfriend’s nose afterwards. “Okay when you said you wanted to make out with him on your list of to-dos today, I was kind of expecting it to not be in my presence, thanks.”

“Suck it up.” Riku said, flicking frosting coated fingers at me. “Ew, hell no.” Kairi giggled and grabbed a plate, slapping the remnants of the cake onto it and eating it with a fork. “Yum~ gay best friend cake.” She said, popping more of it into her mouth. I was gonna have to clean this, but whatever… Mom wouldn’t care so long as she didn’t have to see it after our birthdays. She was currently out shopping for Sora- it’s what she always did. She used to take us shopping to get whatever we wanted, but as we got older she let us give her a list and she went out for it instead as we fucked around in the house. Sora proceeded to continue to play tonsil-hockey with Riku, Kairi ate cake while sitting on the table and I started to clean up the mess.

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“You don’t have to go, I told you that.” Mom said from the kitchen, drinking her coffee. “…I know… I just don’t know what I’d do all day, so…” I rubbed the back of my neck, bag in hand. “He just wants to see Axel but is too embarrassed to invite him over.” Sora said, scratching his stomach, still in his pajamas. “Shut up, no I don’t.” …Yes I did… Kind of. She sighed, getting up. “Alright, at least let me drive you- do you have a list? Your brother can go today while he’s here.” …Not really. “I can just text it to him or something since I bet he’d lose it.” He stuck his tongue out at me. When mom was out of sight, he stood next to me. “…You have no idea what you want, do you?”  
“Not a damn clue.”

He chuckled and shot me a smile. “I’ll get you something good- as always.” I gave him a meak smile. “…Thanks.” He nodded, the smile still on his face. “…Oh, but don’t expect any cigarettes.” I was going to stab him. “Oh my god… You act like I come home smelling like them or something! I don’t even do it that often, jeezus!” He elbowed me in the ribs. “I was kidding, relax~ Chill~ Have a smoke break~” I widened my eyes and shot him the biggest glare. “…I’m gonna fucking kill you.”

“Happy birthday, little bro~!”

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The day went on as normal for the most part- minus lunch. Axel yanked me out to a side door and we ate lunch there in the cool air. It was his usual spectacular, but when I was done, he gave me another container of a much smaller size. “…Happy birthday.” I raised an eyebrow at him and opened it. It was a small loaf of banana bread with a piece of paper on top that read _One “Get the Fuck Away From me” ticket: Good for one hour._ I snickered, giving him a smile. “…Thanks.” He nodded simply.  
“I figured you enjoy that- and whenever I make you banana bread, you eat that first, so I assumed you liked it enough.” He noticed some simple little quirky habits other people probably couldn’t give a shit about… But then again, he’s the one who made it, so he probably would… But every time? I was probably over thinking things. “…So I take it Sora told you?” He nodded kicking my foot with his. “Who else? Not like you talk to very many people.” If I honestly didn’t like this banana bread so much, I would throw some of it at him. Still…

“…Whatever… Thanks…” He hummed a reply and leaned over, kissing my forehead. “I at least get to give you that over birthday hits.” I snorted, closing the lid on the bread. “Yeah right- that was way worse.”


	19. Filler - Coma Baby

Filler II: Coma Baby

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

When we were little, we used to have an aunt who’d come over. Apparently, she had a huge fight with our mother and stopped talking to her and seeing us because of it. The only thing we can really remember about her is her telling us stories about us. The one that stuck with me was the one about when we were born. Sora was born before me- and I was the surprise baby. It tends to be very, very rare, but at the same time our mom wanted to know as little as possible so everything could be a surprise. She had Sora- who cried like he was dying- and they told her apparently there was one more. She was shocked. She had Sora late into the night, and then to top it off, when I came out, there was something wrong, making us have two completely different birthdays.

According to our aunt, I had the cord around my neck so tight they were mortified I would die right then and there. They had to push me back in, turn me around, and hope it had moved. It had only made it worse, so they had to give my mom a C-section to get me out and carefully unwind the cord. I was breathing, but she said I didn’t cry and my mother was hysterical, insisting there was something wrong with me, screaming at them. Even after they got me to cry, she kept insisting there was something wrong and refused to hold me, even after she had calmed down. She apparently didn’t even want to carry me out of the hospital, my aunt having to do so. “You reminded her too much of- …Never mind.”

My aunt always got yelled at for “scaring the shit out of me”, but she kept going and our mom never really stopped her. She said that “A woman’s intuition is more definite than a man’s certainty- to quote a certain someone.” And proceeded to tell me that I was like a little shadow gremlin or something for the longest time. She had thought I was autistic or something since I never really talked much and clung to Sora like lungs did to air. I was so quiet I apparently scared the crap out of those around me by shocking them with my absence or appearance in a room. She said I always looked sick and like I never got enough sleep even though I slept just fine. “They all told your mother the same thing- that you were fine. Which you are _now_ but then… Then it was more questionable. There could have been, and there still might be- you could just know how to hide it better.”

“Mika, shut up.” I never knew if she wanted her to shut up because she was right or if she wanted nothing to be wrong with me. She proceeded to tell me that when Sora wasn’t around I would literally sit myself in a corner and hug my knees until he came back. I wouldn’t eat or move or the like until he came back and when he would, I wouldn’t let go of his hand. He was the center of my mortified world. She said teachers would either complain about me or suggest I got put in the “other wing” of the school. I even had a baby sitter one time who asked me if I could even talk at all when mom had come back and I just looked at her and said “I’m not dumb- Sora can I had more oranges?” But I feel like that was made up or just meant to lighten up the mood.

She would always joke that Sora was the braver twin who came out first and took all the light and noise he saw and heard when he came out of my mother, leaving me with everything else. “The one thing you both have in common however is your wide eyes.” But apparently mine were… Odd. Because I was quiet, it gave me an unsettling factor, and for Sora, apparently it made him seem like a curious child. It was weird how the world perceived things based on opposing factors.  
As I got older, my right eye got damaged because of mom. I couldn’t see very well out of it, and the color was off because the iris got really fucked up. After it healed, mom gave me two choices: wear contacts, or let the doctors officially fix it. The idea of contacts were interesting to me, but she told me they’d hurt my eye sometimes and I’d have to wear it all of the time in public if I didn’t want to get looked at funny.

…I still wanted the contact. Even so, it healed well enough so you’d have to be pretty close to me to notice now. When it was first damaged however, even Sora was freaked out by it. By we were still kids, so he would pull the whole “Show me, show meeeeewwww!” thing. Our aunt had probably stopped coming a bit before that happened.

Still… Sora and I had two separate birthdays. My tended to be… Less than his. I didn’t really mind much. I still got cake and occasionally something I really wanted. I got to see him get excited and we got to act out a little without being punished. To top it off, our birthdays were in December, so we got two different sets of presents. But I noticed… As we got older… And the closer it got to December… I would get more anxious. It just meant another year with her… And I couldn’t stand it. I hated it. You’d think I would have interpreted it as “I survived another year”- but that thought only made it worse. I “survived”- meaning there was potential to die. It wasn’t fair… This wasn’t fair…! I fucking hated our birthday’s- mainly mine. They were just reminders that I was stuck in such a shitty place… So I noticed the older I got, and the closer it got to my birthday, the more I would act out. I’d much rather die than spend my eighteenth birthday with her… I’d much rather die.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I figured I’d give you guys this so you could see why Roxas literally just walked out of the house and almost died. He’s not suicidal- just stir crazy and steeped in anxiety (and depression).


	20. Tacenda

Chapter XVIII: Tacenda

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

People have this delusion that there is something after death. People have this delusion that there is a heaven or hell or purgatory or limbo something of the like. People have this delusion that there is proof of something after we die. People have this delusion that or energy dilutes the surrounding air with our last breath, and when it manifest, we are “ghosts”. I personally never gave it much thought because I never really cared much for it. As much as I think about how easy it would be to use “death” as some kind of escape, I’ve never thought about what happens after my lungs stop breathing and my brain stops working. I guess I would just be put in the ground to rot and become like the dirt I am… Or maybe they’d take my body parts and scatter them for other people who could actually put my being to some good use… I don’t know… I never… Gave it much thought. I’d prefer to leave this topic as a matter better passed over in silence.

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The mood I was in was not safe. It was habitual, so in that respect it was familiar- but it was still unsafe. I was overtly tired and in refusal to do anything if I didn’t have to. I wasn’t too particularly hungry either. It had almost been a week already and I just felt tired all the time and just wanted to sit in the door way of some exit and smoke cigarettes just to smell them… They weren’t particularly addicting- it wasn’t suddenly, “oh shit I’m fiending for a cigarette!” It was just kind of… I want one. It was a feeling similar to when you have a pack of candy but you don’t want to eat it all- but just one more. And one more. And another…  And then they’re gone. I wanted to be in Axel’s company and smell the familiar sent of burning tobacco and tar. That’s all I really wanted…

So it was what I did. I sat in the open doorway of an exit, smelling the cold winter air as it blended with the cigarette smoke that spiraled from the stick between my fingers. “…You know, why don’t we go do something different today? We’ve been doing this since… What Thursday? You’ve been looking all spacy and sad- Come on, I wanna take you somewhere. It may be a bit out of season considering, but… I don’t feel like you’d mind the unconventional too much.” Axel said, casting a grin over at me. Spacy? Wasn’t I always kinda… “spacy”? “…If we’re walking I refuse. I’m too tired.” I swear I could _feel_ the bags under my eyes and their weight just tugging my eyes down and making me want to close my eyes… But I couldn’t particularly sleep if I complied anyways. I would just lay there and my brain wouldn’t shut down all the way. It was like the off switch was broken. It could go on low power, but it just wouldn’t click all the way off.

“Come on, a little walk is good! Besides, it’s not too far.” He offered. I blinked at him for a moment, trying to weigh the pros and cons, but my brain wouldn’t even turn on and started wandering. “…If you’re lying you’re going to owe me big time.” He shot me a wide grin and helped me stand up. He then held the door open so I could walk out and followed.

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

The trip took longer than he had told me- we even took a damn train. He promised it was worth it while I rolled my eyes. I really must have been over tired if I did this and wasn’t too particularly worried about what my mother would do when she found out I skipped… We got off and he led me into this small little town square with a small array of quaint shops. He went inside, greeting the older, plump woman at the register. He made a small, polite conversation with a plastic smile and asked for “Two of the usual’s, please!” She turned around and rummaged behind her, making a light remark about us skipping school. “You know, this is probably the first time I’ve seen you bring a friend in here! And in the middle of winter, no doubt! He’s a bit of an odd one isn’t he?” She asked me as she turned around, holding two, clear packaged, blue ice creams by their sticks.

I looked at them, looked at Axel, and nodded. She chuckled a bit and handed them over and he paid. He didn’t hand me mine and instead walked out, and kept walking for a good ten minutes. “…My nose is getting cold.” I complained. He stopped, turned to me, made me hold both of the sweets, took his scarf off and wound it around my neck, covering half of my face with it. He took the ice creams back and smiled at me. “Better?” …It smelled nice; something along the lines of vanilla laundry detergent, cigarette smoke, and baked apples…

He took me to the top of this clock tower, the entrance being in the back. It was a long climb of several flights of stairs of which I’m assuming the door should have been locked to. When we reached the top, he plopped himself down by the edge and patted the small pile of snow next to him.  
I brushed it off and carefully sat myself next to him, finally letting himself allow me my ice cream. I took the plastic off, particularly not too interested in the treat considering the weather, but… What harm could it really do? I pulled the scarf down to my chin but didn’t take it off, taking a small taste of the ice cream. It was mostly ice for right now. I had to actually bite a chunk off and let it melt in my mouth that way. The entire thing had this… Weird contrast. It was like when you ate cookies and could taste the salt, but… It was a good compliment. It was actually… “…This is good.”

“I’m glad.” He said without looking at me, his eyes trained on the horizon before us. It was quiet while we ate our ice creams, I finished before him. So, without anything to do, my mind started wandering… This building was really high up. It was a good 20 or so feet. If I were to fall off of this I’d most definitely snap my neck and…

“…I could do it. I could push myself forwards just a little bit and fall and break my neck.” I mused out loud. “…Then do it.” He said simply, although my suicide mention wasn’t a big deal whatsoever. He didn’t even bother to look over at me and just kept eating his ice cream like I had said something like “it’s cold” or something not worth recognition. …I was shell-shocked to say the least by his reaction.

…But once I got over that, I got angry.  I stood up, the stick disappearing down below from my fingers without myself realizing. “Are you kidding me?! What the hell kind of _friend_ are you?! I just threatened to kill myself and you act like I just made a comment about the weather!” He took the liberty of letting his ice cream be second to me this time, but he looked bored- which pissed me off further. “You’d get so much shit if I did! Maybe even someone would think you _pushed_ me or something!” I had started attack him and I had felt warranted in my anger. “I mean you dragged me out here and everything!!! You really wouldn’t give a shit?! Well maybe I should just-“ I turned to hold my foot over the edge- and slipped.

…I slipped. I just… Within a matter of a few seconds, my brain thought of every single regret I’d ever had so quickly that I didn’t have time to actually recognize any of them. I thought of the things I’d leave unfinished or never got to do in the same manner. I didn’t even get a chance to register that I could have screamed…

I felt an arm harshly grab at me and my body slammed into the building, knocking the wind out of me and instantly making me dizzy. I lost all bodily strength for a moment, trying to see and breathe properly. I felt his other hand get put around my upper arm, pulling me up until even my feet were back on the building. He sighed and flopped backwards with me. He thread his fingers through my hair, his other hand started kneading at my shoulder.

…I was shaking… Terrified. I couldn’t stop shaking even if I had wanted to. I was sobbing hysterically, the stark white around me blending into itself. I buried my face in his scarf so I wouldn’t sob all over him… “…You don’t really want to die. If you did, you wouldn’t be this scared after almost falling. I mean, some people would argue but… Not you. You wouldn’t be this scared.” Axel said, sitting up with me, continuing to stroke my hair and rub my back. He said nothing for a few moments while I sobbed, he fixed the scarf, and then after a while, he pulled back, pushing my bangs out of my face.

“…You don’t want to die. So what did you really want to happen by you saying that? You’ve been upset for a while now. If you can’t figure out why yourself, then you can’t figure out how to make yourself feel better or solve the problem. So when that happens, that’s why we talkto _someone else_.” He said, his voice holding no sympathy.  “You may not want to, but for shit’s sake Roxas- you _need_ to. It doesn’t have to be me… But you need to talk. Open your mouth.” These were orders, not requests as he looked me dead in my eyes... And he looked angry. It made me want to shrink into myself like a child.

 I sniffed, my nose feeling cold and my fingers getting a bit numb… I looked away and whipped my nose on my glove, blinking some tears away as he left go of my face. I glanced back over at him and he was still looking at me, his green eyes practically on fire he was so angry with me. …I knew why though… And that thought scared me. I was close enough with him to understand his feelings… But I wasn’t letting him understand mine. To him… I must have looked nuts. All in one month I had managed to hurt or threaten to hurt myself severely- _twice now_ \- and was a complete emotional train wreck… And yet… He was still here.

I had the dire urge to tell him everything… Every little thing down to when I was a kid. …But I couldn’t. It had become this warped game with him and I just… I didn’t want to give in just yet, but I did… Just a little bit… I was just so tired of fighting all the time. “I just…” My voice broke. If I didn’t at least tell someone- specifically him, _right now_ \- at least my general feelings, I never would… “I’m just so tired of it…! I _hate_ being there! I just can’t bear to think about spending another year there…! I’m terrified of being left alone there for the rest of my life! I’d much rather die than be there!” …I would. I was terrified of dying like he said, but… I’d pick that over being there if I had the choice. …Sora made sure I didn’t. I’m sure if he wasn’t here, I would have overdosed or drowned or starved or something long before this…

Then there’s that whole “but you’d never know what you’re missing” or “it could get better” or “what about all of those people who you’re going to meet later on in life” or “someone is going to miss you”. I don’t think people really understand unless you’re feeling this way. None of that shit really matters. It’s nice and all, but when you feel like this, none of that is as important as making it all _stop_. You just want to feel safe and loved… That’s all. Sometimes people could make you feel loved enough with concern to make you feel safe… But that didn’t last too long and you tended to go right back to feeling like this again if nothing really changed. When _they_ feel you’re safe, they go back to abandoning you and your feelings if not dropping you all together.

“I fucking hate it…! It feels like I’m dying anyways, so sometimes my head just goes “why not actually do it”?! It would be so much easier…! I just…!” I tilted my head back and screamed at the top of my lungs, making my throat hurt. I let my head fall forwards when I was done- and his expression… It was complete and utter pity- but in a way that was pity out of “I understand and never want you to feel like me” pity. …So it made me start crying again. He pulled him close to him and stroked my hair, not shushing me or telling me it would get better. He never did that…

And it was one of the cruelest comforts I enjoyed getting from him. He had no right to say it would. But he was here for me when it wasn’t… This is why I think I liked men over women- specifically him. I couldn’t keep myself strong all of the time like we were supposed to, but he was when I needed him to be.

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

Friday was the whole student breakfast thing. I wasn’t feeling it, but Axel stuck to me like dried glue. Like how when you’re a kid and run a thin layer all over your hands and let it dry just to peel it off. Only later you find there’s more or your hands feel funny when you wash them. It was like that; he showed up for long bits of time to help me with whatever I was doing, left, but was still there or constantly in my line of sight. Even when he wasn’t, he suddenly appeared like he had never left. It kind of made me feel anxious when he wasn’t present where I could see him.

…That wasn’t good. If I came to rely on him too much I’d… That wasn’t good. “…Roxas, you okay? Want a break?” I glance up, my face contorting into a mixture of pain and fear. Axel took a tray from me and used my hand in his to tug me into the back. “…Demyx, switch with Roxas. Let him be on dishes.” Demyx jeered and quickly abandoned his job. When he was gone, he looked down at me. “…Y’okay?” I nodded, not looking him in the eyes. He sighed though his nose and leaned down to kiss my forehead. It lasted longer than you would have though considering anyone could have walking in at any time and seen, but he didn’t seem to mind and I didn’t seem to care. He mused my hair gently and left me in the back where I wasn’t so on the spot or left with eyes all over me if I had a mini freak out. That alone calmed me down… I really…

I need him. I really do. I don’t think I’d know what to do without him anymore…

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I think I was starting to come back into my… “Self”? “normal me”? Those both sounded weird, but… I was gradually getting back into them as the weeks wore on. Especially because I had less to do but mindlessly clean at home. I was feeling less anxious and angry and more kind of just generally tired. I’m sure I was talking less because Sora would pout more during our “conversations” or would get mad at me and think I zoned out.

“…I’m _listening_.” I said for the fifth time. He sighed, puckering his lips to the side while he gauged if I really was. “…You want to spend a day or three or the entire break at Riku’s-“ He threw a pillow at me from his bed. “-but you want to make sure I’m not just gonna sleep all day and get in trouble or something like that. I won’t. I have work. I’ll even go to Axel’s if it’ll shut you up.”

“Can you?” He asked before his name had even fully left my mouth. I sighed and nodded looking off in our dull room... It really was. At least Axel’s had color or something… I swear if I ever get my own place it’s gonna be adorned in so much color I’ll need a seizure warning on the front door. I hate this…

“-as! Roxas!” I turned to him, mutely. “…What?” I asked as if he were stupid and this wasn’t my fault at all. “You zoned out again!” I glanced back over at the wall. “…Did not-“  
“Did too!”  
“…”  
“…”  
“…You said something about asking mom about it while she was still in a good mood. I’m listening.” …I’m just not overly interested.

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

...Shit I forgot to call him. Mom drove away and I waved goodbye from his porch. Shit. Please don’t tell me he doesn’t go anywhere on break, please, please, please don’t fuck me over like this… I called him. “…Hello?”  
“Hey I’m on your porch my brother technically got me kicked out of my own house for a few days so I’m her- hi.” He had the door open within minutes. “What happened?” He grabbed my arms and looked me over. “…Nothing. He just didn’t want me home alone with h- …He wanted to make sure I wasn’t stuck in the house for the entire break so he practically forced me to ask to come over here and I forgot to ask you.” He sighed, relieved and probably a bit annoyed with my word choice.

“…Alright I guess you’re coming with then.” He took my second bag and walking in with it, expecting me to follow. “Coming where?”  
“Resort.”  A res… What? “…I have work.” I retorted lamely. “Well then call now and tell them you can’t go.” He said, waving his hand in the air. “I can’t just _leave you_ here.” He said as he kept furiously walking around his house and grabbing things while I followed. Between his motions and hair color, he was like a flurry of dancing flames. “But doesn’t that cost _money_?” I asked, picked up a shirt he dropped and following after him as he took it from me. “…Not particularly- For me at least.” He used the phone he had in his hand to dial a number and sat down on his bed.

He made a short conversation over the phone in a chipper tone with a general greeting, making note of someone else staying in his room, and then a goodbye. “Done. Alright dump your bags I need to see if you need anything.” I- …What?

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

And again, we were on a train and Axel had forcibly bought me things beforehand. It dawned on me that I didn’t call mom and tell her this. …Shit I really hope she didn’t want me back before Christmas or something stupid… Please oh please shit no… “…Um… How long are we going to be here?” I asked Axel, my voice shaking a bit. “Till New Year’s.” He said simply. …Oh shit… “…I… I gotta call my mom she’s gonna freak…!” Axel chuckled and mused my hair. “Do what cha gotta do.”

I took out my phone and called her, wondering if I should have gotten up to do so in the bathroom or something… “Um, hi, mom, so um… Funny story…”

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“She’s gonna kill me when I get back, but I can go.” I said with a long sigh as I sat back down. She had started screaming so loudly it was as if she were on speaker, so I got up anyways and ran to the bathroom while she ranted and raved at me. She was _pissed_. I wasn’t allowed any new things, video games, TV, or any other kind of technology minus my phone- _strictly for communication purposes_ \- for two months, I wasn’t allowed to go to any events or friend’s house for three months, and no dessert or seconds at dinner for half a year. Big whoop considering I worked in a café and Axel made me shit all of the time. …However she calmed down enough to say this was exempt until I came home.

Axel smiled and ruffled my hair to the point where it looked like the fluff on the hood of his jacket. “Cut that out- I’m not some kid.” He chuckled. “You’re right. You’re _my_ kid. My precious, wonderful, baby Woxas~” He cooed and I punched him in the arm. “Ow!” He yelled a bit louder than he needed to, but he laughed all the same as he said it. I sighed, annoyed, but… I felt better. I didn’t feel as tired- if anything, I probably felt excited. …Just a little. I guess I really needed a change of pace so I wouldn’t… If it was all starting to blur together or become the same thing, I was sure to go mad. This made it a bit easier on me.

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

He _insisted_ in carrying his bags as well as all of mine minus one. Between my old stuff and the things he bought me, there was a total of six bags- I had the medical bag. He had dragged it all to the front desk, checking in with a kind of familiarity that he shouldn’t have had- if he had only been here once before. I’m sure he had been considering the desk worker greeted him by name. “It’s been a while! I haven’t seen you since you went to Europe! You got really tall! Your father not with you this time? Is this your friend?” He asked in a bit of a speedy tone- like he was bubbling and excited and wanting to get it all out at once. He was onto the next question before I had even finished numbly nodding while my brain tried to slowly translate his speech.

Axel seemed to get along with his speed talk just fine. This kept on for about another seven or so minutes before he finally remembered why Axel was here and checked him in, giving him a room key. I sighed in relief without meaning to. Axel heard me and smirked a bit, but bid the desk clerk goodbye and took us up to the room. “…There aren’t many people here.” I noted as we walked from the expansive lobby to the elevator and then down the hallway. Our room was at the very end. Even then, considering, it didn’t _feel_ like a hotel- it felt like a mansion with rented rooms.

“There aren’t- it’s a private spot so only people who know other people can get here and you still have to pay a pretty penny.” So let me guess- his dad. He unlocked our door- and I could have fled or fainted right then. It was _huge_! That was just the _bedroom section. SECTION!_ It had a bathroom and kitchen and _holy shit is that a small garden out on the balcony in the middle of fucking winter!?_

“…Axel I wanna go home this is ridiculous.” He chuckled and used his leg to pull my knee forwards. “Come on.” He set our things down on the bed and sighed contently as he joined them. I glanced around the room, but my eyes kept going back to the garden. …Are you fucking kidding me right now? There’s no way that was real…! They’ve gotta be like fake or it’s like a small green house or something and not a balcony… “…That’s not real.” I pointed to the flowers. He nodded. “Yup.” Oh thank god… “It’s a hologram- see?” He went over to what looked like an alarm system and changed it.

“…I’m going to sleep and never wake up.” He darted over and threw his body weight onto me. “AUGH ow , okay!” He smirked and got off. “…I’ll just take a nap. …In a full tub.” I said, running for the bathroom- I damn near fainted. “…I QUIT TAKE ME HOME.”  
“Roxas it’s just a bathtub!” He called after me, trying to catch me as I left the room. “THAT’S NOT A BATHTUB THAT’S A FUCKING SEA MONSTER’S MOUTH!”  
“ROXAS WAIT!”

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I was overwhelmed. No way… You’re kidding me… Right? “Relax.” Axel said again as I struggled. He had me on the bed stuck on his lap with his arms and legs wrapped around me like a snake. It was to make sure I didn’t try to run away- or disturb the other guest any more than I already had- but that was secondary in every way to him. “…This is too ridiculous I don’t like this. I like small spaces and this is ridiculous.” That was the only word I could use for this kind of place; “ridiculous”.

“It’s okay. You’ll adjust.” He ran his fingers through my hair. I sighed and officially gave up. I leaned my head back on his shoulder and he just kept running his fingers through my hair, but he loosened his grip. I stared up at the ceiling. It was decaled, but simply and in a simple cream color. I just… Ugh… I closed my eyes for a minute, trying to not jump out of the holographic balcony…

…And I fell asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Casually inserts Axel’s Organization name. Also Roxas on an official vacation, YAY~! On a side note that he will never mention, Axel planned to take Roxas. He was going to go scoop him up last minute anyways when he found out his dad wasn’t going this year. So yeaaaaah, gay boyfriend sleepy cuddles… I gotta wonder when Roxas is gonna actually use the term “boyfriend”. Lol He’s so stubborn! Took him 18 chapters and 2 fillers to admit he even needs him! Lol Axel probably wants to every chance he gets but doesn’t because he’s a nice guy when he wants to be and BACKSTORY SECRETS I DIDN’T TELL ANY OF YOU YET.


	21. If You Close Your Eyes, You'll Dissaper

Chapter XIX: If You Close Your Eyes, You’ll Disappear

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

Sometimes, without warning, there’s just this swelling in your chest. It almost feels like your ribs are expanding and there is an inexplicably vast amount of space that is fully of mercury that is imitating oxygen. It fills you up until it threatens to escape through your eyes and every pore in your body. It sends cold chills down your spine and a tightness into your fingers and toes. It makes it hard to breathe, and sometimes, just as suddenly as it came… It’s gone. And it is the calmest pain of being alive I have ever felt wash over me so suddenly and yet not leave even a lingering trace.

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

When I awoke, there was music playing. It was the kind of kind, mellow piano chords that roused you slowly and were accompanied by strings that made you rise like a kind of marionette. I rubbed my eyes and then was assailed by the scent of breakfast. It took a moment for my brain to register where I was, but the music let me know it was alright for me to take my time. Waking like this was familiar and comfortable as well as safe. When I was reminded of where I was, it was with Axel in our room at the resort. The music played on and I took my time getting out of the large bed.  
…It was a wonderful way to wake up. I didn’t remember falling asleep and my brain wasn’t willing to process it over the thought of food or attempting to register the melody playing. It sounded familiar, but I couldn’t place it… I got up and wandered into the kitchen area while the melody picked up into a more chipper tone and I was greeted with a brief kiss to the head.

“Morning.” I didn’t reply and just yawned, placing my head down on the table. “If you wanted to sleep some more, you should have stayed in bed. You got up, so stay up.” And then my head was greeted with the end of a ladle. I glared up at him, but by then his back was already to me as he kept on making food. I ignored him and put my head back down and let myself doze at the table again.

I wasn’t asleep, but I wasn’t awake either. I sat there like that for a decent amount of time while he finished cooking. In spite of him lecturing me, he only bothered to wake me again when he placed the food down in front of me. “Japanese style breakfast. Eat up.” He said, sitting next to me on the right. I ate in silence, but my mouth was waking up more, in turn waking the rest of me up. It was ecstatic with the food and in turn made my brain register the taste, and in turn made my hands move to eat it quicker. There was a chuckle. “It’s not going anywhere, slow down.” I ignored him and kept eating as I pleased, then asked for seconds with my mouth still full from firsts.

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

The music could be heard from the bathroom too, but only if you strained to hear it. I would have left the door open, but I never knew with him. One minute he could come right in and insist on showering with me or the other he could just leave me alone- it was all on his preference for that day. He was fickle like that and I wasn’t risking it.

There was a knock on the door. “Hey you what outfit did you grab? I wanna take you up on that hill later, so dress for skiing.” I damn near slipped. “I’m not fucking skiing!” I yelled at him. “Why not?” He sounded like a pouting child from the other side of the door. “I’m gonna die!” I was klutzy enough- I’d probably run the ski pole through my hand or eye or something… “So you’d much rather stay locked up inside all day than have some fun?”  
“Yes!”

…There was a long pause and a sigh. “…You know if you’re being serious, that’s kind of sad. Come on, you should go. You won’t die- I’ll make sure of it.” He reassured, and I considered it, but didn’t want to any more than I had before…

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

“…Explain to me again how you talked me into this?” He chuckled as I sat next to him on the lift, practically mortified. The only thing I liked about this was the ski goggles. Everything else was terrifying. The height, the ski poles, the ice… I was petrified. “You’ll be fine- promise.” He gently fixed my bangs that were under my hat. “You trust me enough to do that, don’t you?” I shot him a skeptical glare. He seemed like he didn’t know if he wanted to laugh or be offended. He got off and at the summit and helped me down as well so I wouldn’t slip and bust my ass.

“…You trust me?” He asked again, still holding onto me. I couldn’t look him dead in the eye and tell him no… So I looked away. “…Kind of…” I grumbled. He gave me a big, cocky grin. “That’s all I needed to hear.”

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

“HOLY. SHIT. I’m gonna fucking kill you!” I yelled, punching him in the shoulder. He laughed and rubbed his arm. “I could have died, oh my fucking god!” I yelled at him again, gaining a few looks. “But you didn’t- and you had fun, don’t lie to me. You were laughing the second you were over being terrified.” I was gonna murder this asshole. “Yeah until you were like “hey lets totally go on an _actual_ slope now! Where you can _actually_ die!” I damn near _did_!” He laughed at me while our hot chocolates arrived.

There was a small lodge at the top of the summit that was kind of like a mix of a casual café and first aid office. There was one near the end of the slopes as well since it was a bit off from the main building- we were at the one at the base. I was draped in this Indian style blanket and sitting on a couch with him lounging out on the rest of it, his legs resting over mine. “But you didn’t. And you can’t say it wasn’t fun.” The hot chocolate tasted like they had made it with creamer instead of milk, making it overly sweet and kind of gross… But I drank it regardless due to being cold.

Our ski outfits were being hung over a fireplace to melt some of the snow off before we had to don them again. Mine was blue and his was a black. “I can totally say I didn’t have fun, you don’t dictate my mouth.” I retorted while he almost choked on his hot chocolate. “Well if we were in a public place, this was the part where I’d make an almost implicational joke about that- almost.” He puckered his lips out at me and I pretended to gag into my hot chocolate.

…I _was_ having fun, though… I really couldn’t lie about that deep down. Verbally was another matter.

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“I’m so tiiirrreeddd!” I groaned, planting face first into the bed. “Hey, you’re still covered in snow!” He lectured, pulling me off of it by the hood of my ski hoodie. I groaned and just let myself drop to the floor. “…I hate you and I’m sleeping right here.” I lay right at his feet and refused to move. We had been messing around on the slopes all day and he made me take the biggest one back down to our lodgings, practically petrifying me in the process. I wasn’t used to so much physical activity, so I was worn out.

He sighed and crouched down. “Come on…” He started tugging at my clothes and I flailed my arms in the direction of his face as an objection, then flipped myself over. “…I’ll take your pants.”  
“I’ll cut your fingers off.”  
“…You are very violent.” I smacked in the general direction of his leg and made contact. He took my hat off in all of its snow covered glory and kissed my hair. “At least change.” I groaned like he had asked me to clean the entire hotel and started stripping down to my boxers. I tugged part of the blanket off of the bed and rolled myself up in it like a roly-poly bug. I heard a chuckle while he finished stripping as well.

“I got a better idea.” He took his time with whatever this idea was, then picked me up and put me by a kotatsu. It was one of those Japanese style tables that get all warm. I wiggled myself under it and he laughed at me. I then I refused to move and fell asleep under it.

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

I was roused by a melody- a different one than yesterday. I felt sore, but comfortable. The melody was kind enough to let me fall back asleep. I was woken not long after by Axel. It was gentle and kind… He gently shook my arm, his fingers threading through my hair once they stopped. “…Come on, time to get up…” He spoke gently although I were a child. I didn’t want to move… But the aroma of the food had gotten me. I pulled my head from the bed to at least his lap while he continued to stroke my hair. It was quiet aside from the music and he sat like that with me for a moment…

“…Axel…?” I grumbled, his name barely recognizable on my tongue. “Yes?” He asked as he leaned down towards me to hear me better. “What’s this song…? Have you played it before…?” He pulled away, humming a “no”. “Does it sound familiar?” I nodded into his lap and opened my eyes. …When had I moved from the kotatsu to the bed? “It’s from Spirited Away, but it’s not the original version. This version is by Yuka.” All of that had no meaning to me minus what it was from. I haven’t seen that movie since Sora and I were kids… But that could be why it sounded familiar. That movie always kind of stuck with me… It probably did even more if the original had piano in it…

No wait… I think… It did and I tried to learn it. That’s why it sounded familiar. It kind of made me sad thinking about it… That was when I still enjoyed playing. That was when I would just listen to a song with piano in it for hours and hours and learn a song by ear and just play it over and over until it was perfect… It was another sad sounding piece that got me odd stares and questions and looks… No wonder I felt like this…

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

It was hot- too hot. I felt like I was melting… Axel pressed his forehead to mine as he hovered over me and apologized again “I’m sorry…”. He gently ran his fingers through my hair and kissed my forehead. “Stop saying that…!” I yelled, scrunching my face up in anger. He needed to stop apologizing- it wasn’t even his fault, it was mine…! “…It’s not your fault…” I grumbled. “I’m just… I’m just not used to it, so that’s why…” I grumbled and turned my head so he’d have to move his own off of mine. He got off, sitting on the edge of the bed. “…This sucks…” I grumbled.

Lucky me- I had gotten sick near the end of the vacation. There were two days left and I was practically dying from heat and a constant threat of puking from any kind of motion. I think between the snow and not being used to the physical activity I had been putting my body though, it just kind of shit out on me. “You sure you don’t want to try to eat again?” I shook my head- then stopped feeling my stomach threaten to expel the little I did manage to get down. He brushed my bangs out of my face again, looking helpless.

…He really did lo… I didn’t even want to think it. I couldn’t. I refuse. “…Do you just wanna sleep?” I lightly shook my head again. “No…” Because then I’d just have a coughing fit and wake up from it. He just sat there for a good half hour or so, stroking my hair while I tried to stay awake. “…Wanna play some card games or something?” He eventually offed. I shrugged. “…Sure.” He leaned forwards and kissed my forehead again…

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

I don’t think it actually occurred to me until I kept waking up in the middle of the night, but Axel slept in the same bed as the one I had kept waking up in. I would just pass out before him and he would get up before me. I wondered if he did it on purpose to avoid me complaining about it… Still… I woke up coughing so hard I had to quickly move myself to lean over the bed and puke into the trash can. I instantly felt him push my bangs out of my face and rub my back. When I was done, he had gotten up and gotten me something to wash my mouth out with.

It hadn’t really tasted that bad since he had been pumping me full of ginger products to avoid the terrible taste that was stomach acid. He got me a thin, crust-less slice of bread and had me eat it while he cleaned out the garbage can in the bathroom without saying a word. I felt awful in more than one sense… He came back and set it down by the bedside again and crawled back into the bed with me, sitting up and waiting for me to finish nibbling on the bread like a rabbit.

He just watched me eat with this look of affection and pity and it made me uncomfortable… There was only one other person who would ever do that and he was usually too busy burying himself in my stomach or something while I was eating the stolen food to actually give me the look so directly. When I was done, he got up again and gave me some kind of medication that I didn’t question, crawled back into the bed and pulled me close and stroked my hair and back until I feel asleep again.

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

There was one day left of the trip, and I had just started to feel better. “…I’m sorry- about… Ruining all this…” I mumbled. “Roxas don’t be sorry- whether you were sick or in the best condition, I was just glad you got to come in the end. The only reason I’d be upset you got sick was because you didn’t get to enjoy the trip as much as you would have.”

He finished changing the sheets on the bed, then snatched me up before I could react and tossed me onto the bed, throwing all of his weight onto me as well. “Ow- fucking shit, you’re fat! Get off!” I hissed. “I think the word you’re looking for is “heavy” not fat- and the majority of that is from my dick, I’m so sorry~” He cooed with a smirk. “I _hate_ you.” I spat, still trying to push him off without any progress. He chuckled at me, then hummed and closed his eyes while I struggled underneath him. He eventually rolled off, but took me with him. I groaned, but decided this was better than being crushed while he mentioned something about me smelling like the soap in the bathroom since I had just showered.

…Wrong! Letting him do this was worse! He squeezed me until I felt like puking. “Gonna puke- gonna puke…!” He quickly let go and I leaned over the edge of the bed, trying to keep my food down. Ewwww… “…I’m gonna punch you…” I grumbled. He laughed a bit and ran his fingers through my hair. “…You know, I’m kind of excited.” He admitted. “Huh?” I asked, fixing my hair to the best of my ability without any real notice of how it looked.

“I mean, I get to spend two different holidays with you. It’s nice.” He said, flashing me a wide smile. “…Go suck an egg.” He chuckled. “Well you’re most definitely feeling better than you were- although your insults aren’t _quite_ up to par just yet.” I rolled my eyes. “They’ll get there…” He flopped back down on the bed, patting the spot next to him. After a few days of doing nothing but hanging out in a bed with him, I guess I had kind of adjusted to it a bit… I sat next to him, adjusting myself and closing my eyes. “…Do you wanna eat before or after or during?”  
“…I want dessert and I want it during- sandwiches and actual food sounds gross to me right now.” He chuckled, leaning over and kissing my forehead. “Okay.” He messed with his phone again, then put it on the night stand. He put himself precariously close to me, but didn’t touch me.

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

I’m not gonna lie- I’m a big sucker for fireworks. The closest thing we ever really got though were sparklers and the TV or a faraway distance, but I still liked them a lot. But here, they were right in front of you and it was terrifyingly wonderful. The loud reverb that echo's in your chest that gives way to a flurry of spontaneous colors and enflamed, imitation fairy dust that you swear you can practically touch... It’s an extraordinary feeling to me. I was captivated; I couldn’t pull my eyes away. It even made me forget that we were outside right now and that it could make me sick all over again.

3…  
2…  
1…

A huge explosion of colors and noise filled the air and I was breathless from the sight. I felt a light tap on my shoulder and had to force myself away from the flurry of lights. “Huh…?” Axel chuckled at me and kissed me. It wasn’t anything spectacular like the fireworks- in fact it was on my forehead- but something about it was comforting. I’d be stuck with him for another year or so probably, and some part of me was okay with that fact.  
So… Just once. I yanked him down and kissed him on the mouth a bit harder than I probably should have and then let him go. “J-Just because I didn’t get you anything!” I hissed and he chuckled and showered the rest of my face in kisses. “That’s alright- you’re my present.” He said like the biggest fucking cheese moose I had ever met.

…What the fuck even is a cheese moose? God damn it I was too sick to think of proper insults right now… Still… I got a new year’s kiss just now, didn’t I? “…You’re a fucking dork.” I mumbled to him while he kissed my chin. He chuckled and pulled me into a close hug, but it wasn’t tight. “So are you.” He reminded. “At least I don’t say cheesy fucking pickup lines in a serious manner and expect them to work.”

“Well at least when I kiss you, I’m not being a tsundere about it.” He chided, looking down at me with a big smile on his face. …I hit him. He laughed it off, but still said “ow” in the middle of it. I hit him again for laughing. “You’ve got no comeback because I’m right!” He laughed while I kept smacking at him. “It’s okay- I love you regardless!” …I punched him.

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

The ride back was draining. All I could think about was what the fuck I was going to do with all of the shit Axel bought me and the punishment mom had waiting for me. I don’t even remember all of it… Plus I was still a bit stuffy and drowsy and my eyes kept watering, but I was mostly okay there. Axel tried to chat me up, but I wasn’t in the mood really, so my replies were short and curt. “…You know… I think I should kidnap you more often- you talked and smiled a lot more.”  
I looked over at him, expression a mix of shock and a bit disgusted. Really? Did I? I don’t think it was any more than usual… Then again, it’s not like I’m keeping tabs on how much I talk like I have a daily limit or something… I gave him a questioning hum in reply and he nodded. “Yup. Even when you were sick you were at least affectionate- like a puppy.” He joked. “…I’m gonna hurt you.” He chuckled at me and relaxed back into his seat. “You say that, but you’re still letting me hold your hand- my point proven.”

“…It’s only because it’s buried under all of our shit which keeps us a seat apart- otherwise you’d practically be on my lap if you could help it.” His smile was wide and I took it as condescending and victorious, but I wasn’t really in the mood to hit him again… Besides, if I tried to pull my hand away now, it’d be cold… Or some other lame excuse. I guess I preferred a simple touch over him attempting to pull me into his lap or something, so…

The small conversations that went from one topic to another kept up the entire way home. We went to his house first where he let me sit on the couch and do nothing while he put all of his things away. I passed out from boredom and sickness and late-night firework watching. He woke me up and practically led me to the car while I was still trying to remember how to function. All of my things were in his car, he drove me home while I fell asleep again in the passenger seat still holding the hand that had lead me to the vehicle.

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

Sora refused to stop staring at all of my shit. I was currently face-first and half-off of my bed, all of my junk around my feet. Axel had helped bring it up and I told him to just leave it and I’d take care of it- this had to be done with a bit of insisting and vague threats, but whatever… “…Well no wonder you didn’t even bother calling- have fun?” Sora asked. I nodded numbly into my sheets. My scarf still smelled like winter air and gunpowder…

He laughed and carefully stepped over all of my things and sat on my bed. I felt him take my hat off as he started messing with my hair and telling me about his time while I was away. He was mostly over at Kairi’s with her grandmother and some distant relatives and Riku, but went home on Christmas, but had gotten yanked right back over once it was morning. He had gotten Kairi these really nice hair clips that she liked a lot- mostly in his hair, but she liked them all the same.  
He had also gotten her like five of these weird fruits she had wanted to try and she ate all of them by herself, completely in love with them. It was a starfuit or something? He had gotten Riku this horror book he had wanted and he _insisted_ on reading them one of the short stories at three am- Sora swore he almost pissed himself from fright and was never going to buy Riku anything like that ever again.

He had eaten so much food at her house that he practically could _feel_ the pounds he had added, laughing about it but saying he’d eat it all over again. He told me some other things he did that I either didn’t remember or my brain wasn’t “recording” when he spoke, but regardless I got the main point of his break. He then asked me how mine was. “…I ate, I snowed, I sleeped, I puked, I fireworked.” I said in the most simple terms ever. He hit me and laughed. “You are such a dork. Seriously, come on, I wanna know! You were up there for like a week!” I rolled over and groaned as if the action took effort.

I relayed onto him my eventful week, which wasn’t really considering I was sick for the majority of it at the end. But even then, I had fun playing stupid card games and bored games with Axel. Life was probably the best one because he _insisted_ on reading every fucking option like an overly deep-voice narrator. I had gotten snow in places I didn’t want to ever have snow while skiing, probably had the biggest fucking array of hot drinks I ever would have had in my life, and apparently was RGWS. “RGWS?” He asked, confused by the acronym. “Really Gay When Sick.” He busted out into laughter and told me to explain, insisting, but those memories were for my head and my head only. He could think what he wanted.

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

I didn’t want to go back to school tomorrow… I had put all of my things away and it was already dark by then. “Soraaaaaaaa…” I groaned, my chin resting on his bed, the rest of me on the floor. He took off his glasses and put the book he was reading down. I don’t think I’ve ever mentioned him being farsighted… Huh. “Yes Roxaaaaaaaas.” He replied, using the same bored drone I had used on my name. “I don’ wanna go to school tomorrow…” I grumbled, rubbing my forehead back and forth in his bed. He laughed at me a little, petting my head.

“…Do you think if I disappear anyone would notice?” I asked, looking up at him. “Yeah- Axel and I for one. And all of your friends at work… Riku and Kairi would ask where you were too- they usually do when you’re not there.” Really? …Now that he mentioned it… A lot of people would. Olette would maybe even give a quick second to my whereabouts too… “…That’s really scary…” I grumbled into his bed. “Huh?”

“I said it’s really scary… To think that so many people would miss me… I don’t think that’s ever happened before.” When had I suddenly come to know so many people? When had my tiny little world expanded so much? I sat there, trying to pin point it.

…Axel. It was all his fault. Aside from Sora and his two best friends, but they’d only ask because I was Sora’s brother. Because of Axel, I had been stuck with talking to Olette more than I would or even wanted to. At first it was kind of to tolerate her, but before I think I would have just told her to leave me the hell alone or something… Maybe even would have outright told her she was annoying. But I never actually did…  
And at work, Axel was friends with Marluxia, making him be a bit soft on me and talk to me a lot. And because he was, Naminé was as well, then in turn so were the rest of the girls because by then I was “approachable”… And even still, there were members of the Organization too and I only got wrapped up in them because of _again_ , Axel…

“…I don’t think that’s scary. It means they care about you and would miss you.” He replied, sitting himself on the edge of the bed rather than it’s headboard now, his fingers messing in my hair. “…Are you scared that you’ll one day go missing and hurt them?” He asked me quietly. …I didn’t want to answer that. I felt my eyes well up and I was grateful he couldn’t see. I willed it away, not wanting to cry over something that stupid… Yes, it was stupid! Stupid, stupid, stupid…! I could disappear all I wanted and that was perfectly okay!!! I shouldn’t have to worry about what they thought! I…

“…I hate this…” I clung to my brother and grumbled that into his stomach. He laughed at me a bit. “It must feel like this huge burden for you, huh?” He asked me, a warm smile on his face. “…It’s okay. You’ll adjust and eventually it won’t feel so heavy anymore… In fact, if it were to ever go away, you’d feel like you’re missing something. It’d be like… If you had one of those cube puzzles or something and you had all of the outside pieces put together okay, but you were missing this one weird one in the middle. It’s a different color and it weights a _ton_ , but it’s all done now!” He said, giving me a wide grin with his stupid analogy.

“…You saying I’m broken?” I asked, stabbing a finger into his forehead. “Ow, ow, ow, ow…! No! Just… incomplete. Honestly, to me… You’ve always kind of looked really lonely, Roxas… I was scared of what would happen to you if you never made any friends… I didn’t want you to be lonely forever. I was lucky and made friends with Riku when I was a kid. He was kind of a big bully to me a bit, but I was glad he pushed his way into my life. Because of him, I was willing to open up to Kairi and all of my other friends.” …So to him, in terms of expanding your horizons, Riku was what Axel was to me, only he had come earlier in his life. “I wasn’t lonely…” I grumbled. “You say that, but you’d get upset if I ever went anywhere or if anyone else wanted to talk to me. It’s okay to rely on other people, you know- even if it’s only a little bit for now.”

…I hate this… So much… I hate it, I hate it, I hate it, I hate it, I hate it… I hate how this made me feel. Since when had Sora become so knowledgeable in something enough to lecture me? It was so much easier to deal with _her_ when the only person I had to worry about disappointing was him… But now… If I get hurt or disappear, he wouldn’t be the only one to notice. I’d hurt more than one person…

…Actually… I _did_ … and more than once… The time with the water tower and recently my walk in the snow… I… When had things come to happen like this? I don’t like it… I don’t wanna hurt people because of things that happen to me… That makes me want to stand up for myself and if I do that, it’ll only get worse or she’ll turn her anger on Sora… This would have been so much easier if I didn’t exist to deal with this problem in the first place…

Yeah right. She’s only have one target then. I guess it’s why she got stuck with both of us instead of just one. I guess when they were passing out the children to the parents, I volunteered to bear this burden… As heavy and painful as it is. “…This sucks…” I grumbled again while he patted my head. “…You’ll adjust, so don’t go running away- promise?” He patted my head in a way that was a kind of “look up” and then held out his pinky to me.  
“…I promise…” I linked fingers with him.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I’d like to give a big thanks to “Me wo Tojitara” by GUMI and by “Kikyouiro no Sayonara” Akiakane, both composed by Yuyoyuppe because I had a really hard time getting Roxas to get out of his slump. He had stopped being depressed and just kinda felt numb and I couldn’t get him to warm up, but when I heard those songs again I found a logic that worked for him.  
> Also, Sora in glasses is always something I have secretly liked for whatever reason.


	22. Taunt and Split

Chapter XX: Taunt and Split

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

...I hurt myself. It’s nothing grand, nor intentional, but sometimes I find my nails biting deeper in my shoulders or hips than they should ever be... And I find them pulling lengthy, raw lines against my skin. It doesn't really hurt in the moment. It’s like trying to pull a metal coating away from yourself I’m that numb to it. Its only afterwards when I feel the sting of what I did. I don't know when I started doing it... Maybe when I got terrified of failure because failure resulted in her hurting me... So maybe it was a personal motivation thing. If I felt the sting, just a small taste of what she'd do, I'd fix the problem before she got to me.

Worthless, brain dead, idiotic, imbecilic, good for nothing, useless, stupid, piece of shit, garbage, weakling, failure, lacking, unwanted, let down, invisible, easily disposable… These are off-hand insults I say to myself. There not even relating to a particular situation. They’re just basic things I call myself sometimes while my nails are digging into my skin while I’m mortified of the thoughts and memories that run though my head of things she can, will, or has done to me.

…I can’t tell you what’s worse, really… The physical or verbal, her or me… They’re both pretty much the same now.

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

I was bored shitless. I literally wasn’t allowed to do anything once I got back from the trip with Axel. I had nothing to do and it was driving me nuts. I even took to doodling in a school notebook, as terrible as they were. Sora even put in his two cents- not that it was needed. It was just to emphasize that my art was shit. I eventually tossed it across the room and groaned… Then got up and picked it up, and put it back neatly on the shelf, the pen being put back in its proper place afterwards. I was so bored…

…Should I just go to sleep? No, she’d get pissed… Plus I would mess up my sleep schedule. …Haha, that actually sounds weird. Me, having a sleep schedule. I couldn’t tell her I was bored- she’d just lecture me that it was my fault to begin with or even make me clean something for the millionth time… God I was so bored I was gonna lose my shit…

I sat on my bed, deciding to do nothing but let my mind wander…

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

I don’t know when exactly in my boring routine for the past that it had happened. Somewhere along the thin tight rope of making sure I didn’t breach her rules and keeping a happy refrain about my appearance at school, something toppled and fell off. I sat outside of my house at what was probably damn near around ten at night, the large gash on my face bleeding all over my clothes. Fucking great…

She had lost her shit, tossing glass cups and dishes at me for some stupid thing I did, then picking up their shards and following up with those. When I had ran out of the house in an attempt to get her to stop, knowing if I got far enough away from her that she’d run out of things to throw at me. This eventually was true while she screamed numerous insults at me from afar. When I finally decided I should try to go back inside, I found the door locked. I didn’t even have my phone due to my punishment. Sora should be in our room though…

I hunted for small rocks, tossing them at the window and missing terribly. Don’t let movies lie to you. …Also, don’t let them think that it won’t shatter the glass. I could hear her from outside and quickly ran for it. I just broke our fucking window. I broke _OUR FUCKING WINDOW SHE WAS GOING TO KILL ME_. My mother was literally going to FUCKING. MURDER ME. Jeezus Christ it was freezing and I didn’t have a coat or anything but what I was wearing. …So no shoes, some sweat pants and a t-shirt. Fucking shit please let some convenience store be open or something…

The snow was numbing under my feet as they were quick to turn a harsh red. Great… Just great… Axel’d have my ass if he found out this happened… I grumbled to myself and trucked it to the nearest store or fast food place or whatever fucking came first. My hands tucked into my armpits, my body harshly shivering and you’d _think_ the cold would fucking freeze the blood on my face already! Nope! Fucking nope!

That certainly got me looks walking into the McDonalds. A gangly kid without shoes and this cut so fucking long and deep in his cheek you’d think he was trying to look like the Joker. “…Can I uh… Use your phone?” I asked a cashier, who was looking at me like I had ten heads. Fucking hell what was his number…? She let me, but kept a close eye on me as well as the door.

“…Hello?”  
“Hi. Um, I’m at McDonalds and would really kind of like a dinner date right exactly now if you can help it. …Please.” I said sarcastically into the phone, the please being the only honest sounding thing in that sentence and even then it was coated in reluctance. “I thought you weren’t allowed to call people for the month?” He spoke from the other line.  
“…I’m not. Seriously, get over here.” I said again, getting slightly impatient. “…Well, I kinda already ate di-“  
“I’m not kidding can you seriously come fucking get me?” I really didn’t want to tell him my current condition if I could help it, so I ended up cursing in front of everyone- whom all of which were most definitely looking at the kid in his pj’s with a huge gash on his face. “…Alright, what one?” I told him the general direction of the place from my house, hanging up and turning back to the girl who let me use the phone. “…Do you guys have napkins I can use?”

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

“Roxas, holy shit- are you okay?” Axel had spotted me from afar and when he had spotted the shit ton of blood-dried napkins littering the table I was at, he practically ran to me. “Hi. They’re closing soon. Don’t take me home.” I said, grabbing the napkins and depositing them into the garbage, one still being held to my face. “You… Lemme see.” Axel said, grabbing for my wrist, ignoring my curt responses. “Hey- let _GO!_ ” I hissed, yanking my arm back from him, but he already saw and his eyes were practically saucers. “…Roxas…”

“Yes, okay, you got a good look at the freak show, that’ll be five bucks. Let’s fucking go already.” I hissed at him, walking out ahead of him to his car, knowing he’d follow like a dog of sorts. I got into his car and he quickly turned the heat and lights on. “…Lemme see.” He said, turning to me in the passenger seat and trying to gently pry my hand from my face. I pushed him in the face so hard he had to physically stop for a minute. I knew why I was acting like this. It was like the kid that couldn’t stop smiling even though they were in trouble.

They didn’t know what else to do to cope.

“…Can you just… Sit here with me or something… For like an hour or whatever? I don't... I really don't want to be home right now, plea..." My voice cracked. "...Please..." I asked, clearing my throat harshly. “…Roxas-“  
“Would you…! _STOP_ looking at me like that! God I could fucking punch you!” I hissed, slamming my hands on his dashboard. “Fucking god fucking damn it! I’m not some damn stray cat, stop looking at me like that!” I screamed at him. God I must look fucking nuts… I must be off my shit… …Kind of was, actually. I didn’t mean it… It’s why mom flipped her shit. I had a really bad headache and asked her for something for it, she directed me to her sea of medication we had for all the shit I’ve been though. I kinda sorta maybe took an oxycodone or two instead of an aspirin. They were all in the same orange bottles with worn labeling and I just knew they were white and near the left of the medicine bin.

She lost her shit when I pulled the bottle to show her what I took. But we already covered that. So yeah, was kinda sorta maybe a _little_ unintentionally high right now. I never needed codondes, so I wasn’t used to them whatsoever. She needed them once for when she really fucked her hand up at work really bad and even then it was only one when needed- not two. She almost lost all her fingers, so they don’t work completely well. It’s another reason she gets frustrated when the house has gone to shit in her eyes.

“…Are you okay…?” Axel asked me seriously, not daring to touch me again. “…Do I _look_ okay to you?” I asked, then scoffed with laughter riddling the noise. “God damn, I can’t believe you’re trying to date this…” I grumbled, gesturing to myself with both hands. He was quite for a moment before replying, “…I am.” I couldn’t help but roll my eyes and choke down on a laugh.

Seriously? I was a mess… This was normal for me. It was the most depressing thought in the world… Be being such a fucked up mess was _normal_. I looked at him, my mind thinking shit that I normally told it to shut up about. Before I realized it my hands were on either side of his face and I was harshly kissing him and trying to crawl into his lap. “You want me right? Let’s just fuck and get it out of the way- you’re antsy as hell when left alone with me anyways. Better than dating right?” The words flew out in a harsh rage and I almost laughed at his face contorted.

He was taken aback, confused, horrified, then angry- all within a matter of minutes. “…Roxas. What are you on?” He asked, his tone just a slight dip before it was dark. “…Pain meds.” I let it slip so casually… Before grabbing at him again and forcing our mouths together. He pushed me away and the car horn blared. I snickered, for some reason being reminded of every stupid car sex scene in every movie ever. “…I’m taking you hom-“

“DON’T YOU DARE FUCKING TAKE ME HOME!” I yelled, lunging at him and attempting to wrap my hands around his neck. Fucking damn it I hated him so fucking much. Pretentious fuck! He quickly and harshly grabbed my arms before they reached his neck and forced me towards the passenger seat so the horn wouldn’t go off again. He held me so my arms were behind my back and the more he put his weight into me the more they hurt my joints- not that I felt much of it at the current moment… “…Fine. I won’t take you home. But you need to calm down.” I screamed and started flailing like a child in an attempt to make him let me go.

“I’m taking you to my house- if you don’t sit still, I’m not even going to turn on the car. I don’t want to get into a wreck and I wouldn’t doubt it with you like this.” Then fuck me in the back of it to pass time- I know you want to anyway you handsy fuck… So grabby and disgusting, I hate him so much… God I could just- …I stopped fussing for a minute. I panted for air, letting out a low growl that eventually resulted in an all-out scream again with me trying to get him to let me go.

He sighed heavily, letting me go to get out of the car. He came around on my side and dragged me out. He put myself in front of him- then shoved his fingers down my throat and bent me over the pavement by his car. I puked all over his wheels.

“…When did you take those?” He asked, looking briefly at the white tinted vomit. It wasn’t much since I hadn’t eaten dinner before her freak out, but that meant it just went straight to my system.  “…I don’ know…” I grumbled, my throat raw. Sometime before ten though… “…How many did you take?” He asked, his tone serious and cold. “…Two.” I grumbled. He put me back in the car, if not a bit harshly, buckling my seatbelt before driving to his house a bit haphazardly. The street and traffic lights kept me entertained for a bit.

He pulled up to his house with the shittiest park job I have ever seen in my life, not even attempting to keep the car straight. He got out, opening my door and jacking me out. I dried to punch him and he instantly wrapped my arms around myself, my back to him and dropped me so low that my feet couldn’t move. “ _Don’t_. Start that shit again.” I huffed and grunted, trying to get him to let me go. I eventually took to sobbing in his driveway. He didn’t let me go even then. “…Are you done?” He asked me, not moving yet.

I didn’t reply, so he took it as a yes and picked me up by my swaddled arms and took me into his house. He dropped me on his couch, went into the kitchen and came back with some crackers. “…Eat something.” I groaned and closed my eyes, not moving. “…Roxas, do not give me any of that temper tantrum shit.”

“I’m not _having_ a fucking temper tantrum!” I yelled back, my eyes snapping open. “…Then eat.” I stared him down and he did the same to me, eventually turning down first with a heavy sigh. “…What can I give you that you’ll eat?”  
“Your dick.” He didn’t reply as I snickered. He really looked like he was going to hit me. He was so pissed with me… “…Ice cream.” I decided. It sounded nice in theory, but in practice, it got all over my already fucked up shirt and his living room since I refused to move to eat it. Then I requested apple sauce and just drank it out of the jar.

He then took me to the bathroom and stripped me while I made derogatory sexual comments to him. “…What am I not attractive enough to fuck? Or maybe it’s the case of crazy you didn’t know I had.” I spat while he finished taking off my sweat pants. He sighed heavily, opening his mouth before closing it. “…I’m not going to argue with you right now. There’s no point.” I slipped off of the toilet and sat on my knees so I was level with him. “…Roxas please let me finish take your clothes off so you can get cleaned up.”

“…No.”  
“Roxa-“  
“No. I refuse.” He inhaled deeply and let it out, then held his hands up in defeat while he turned off the water for the bath for me. “…Get in.” He gestured to the tub, probably expecting me to object since I was still partially clothed. I didn’t. I got in, boxers and all and relaxed in an attempt to spite him. He just watched me for a moment, his lips pursed. The moment he turned around to get soap I put my head underwater and blew bubbles. I felt him yank me back up by my arm. “Do _not_ keep doing this shit!” He yelled at him, grip so hard it was going to bruise me later. “Or what?!” I hollered back, standing up and water sloshing up with me, draining harshly from my boxers.

He looked like he was at a loss for words, so he just yelled at me. He then harshly shoved my arm away, looking frustrated. “Or what? You can’t even fucking do anything! You’re a big bitch! …You know, I kept thinking my crazy was a turn off- maybe your into bitches who should be in psych wards. You into that kind of shit?” I started going off on a rant and it just went downhill from there. It just kept getting more and more derogatory until…

I don’t remember what word it was- could have been garbage, could have been cunt, I don’t remember which left me first. I bit my tongue as my head snapped to the side. It was silent aside from the water still dripping from my boxers. My eyes were still wide, stinging with tears. Before I knew it I was laughing, but I couldn’t stop crying. “…Jeezus Christ, you’re just like her…” I mumbled, wiping my eyes.

It was then that any anger or any other emotion swirling around inside of me mixed with drugs just shattered into hysterical tears. He was still pissed, but he quickly found himself feeling guilty and hugging me in all of my almost-naked, soaking wet, hysterical glory. He lowered me down so we were both on our knees, eventually he finished cleaning me up when my tears calmed down enough for me to see past them and not make as much noise. He let me sit on the edge of the tub, but insisted my boxers had to come off now.

I barely managed to squeak out a no, but he was already lifting me up so much that I was hugging him and pulled them off. He sat me back down, then towel-dried me off, being ever so gentle about it. When he came to my waist and my legs just below that, he stopped. “…You going to tell me what those are…?” He asked quietly as if someone had their ear pressed to the door. I shook my head. “…They’re on your shoulders too.” I clung to my shoulder using one hand, knowing well that it lined up well with at least one of the many scratch marks I had made earlier while trying to think of a way to get back into my house, almost absent mindedly.

He gently took my hand from my shoulder, kissing the back of it. By now, I had probably sobered up a bit between all of the adrenaline, resistance, and crying. I was still out of it though. “…I’m sorry I hit you…” He spoke gently and again quietly into my hand. I almost let the words “it’s okay, I’m used to it” fly out of my mouth. …What a sorry sight that would have been. I didn’t reply.

He finished drying me off, bandaged my wounds, dressed me, clipped my nails, and then kissed my forehead. I almost felt like a kind of doll with how he was treating me… “…I’m not going to make you talk about this with me tomorrow if you don’t want to.” He warned me. “In fact, I won’t even bring it up unless you do. But you have to promise me something in exchange.” I nodded numbly. “You don’t _ever_ do that again. Ever.” If I could cry anymore, my eyes would have watered.

“…I didn’t mean it…” I said, my voice cracking. He quickly kissed my forehead, gently stroking my hair, his other hand holding one of mine. “I mixed it up with an aspirin since they’re all in the same place and… I’m sorry… I’m sorry… I didn’t mean it, please don’t be mad at me…” He didn’t try to shush me. He let me talk, but didn’t stop stroking my hair or holding my hand.

I kept apologizing and he eventually crawled into his bed with me, holding me close to his chest. He kept stroking my hair and held one of my hands until I feel asleep mumbling apologies and about how sorry I was and that I didn’t mean it and that I was sorry and I didn’t mean it and… Even like that, I couldn’t tell him I was sorry because I loved him and didn’t want to burden him with all of the batshit that came free of charge with me. Even like that, I couldn’t utter a word about my mom aside from what little I had hinted at in the bathroom. …So I just kept apologizing.

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

I felt awful. Comfortable, but awful. I had felt that feeling not too long ago, but this was different. I felt fingers running through my hair and I flinched, dare not looking up at him. It was quiet and he kept stroking my hair, eventually Axel being the one to break the silence. “…Do you want something to eat?” It was a simple question. A normal question. I wasn’t normal. Him asking me that just… I buried my face into his chest and tried so very, very hard not to start sobbing again. “…Yes, please…” He sat up, still stroking my hair ad just looking at me. You’d think I felt like I was being judged, but…

I didn’t. I dared glance up at him and he just looked kind of tired and in love with me. I hated that. He should still be angry with me, demand to know what was wrong, or… Or _some_ kind of reaction! This was… It hurt… So much more than him being cold. I had no idea what to do right now and I felt so guilty. We couldn’t just fall back into our usual routine…

He got up from the bed, leaning down and kissing my forehead before going into the kitchen to make me something to eat. It was a simple eggs and toast with apple juice. I quietly ate it all, only asking if it was okay to eat in his bed. He just nodded, watching me eat without a word while he sipping his own drink, not having any food for himself. He tucked a lock of hair behind my ear and I crumbled. I shook and then put the fork down, knowing I wouldn’t be able to hold it right now. I put my hand over my mouth because I kept whimpering and was the most pathetic thing in existence… I just… I…

Please just love me… Love me, however you can…

…What was that line from? Regardless, I felt gentle kisses to my hair and forehead and hands before I was openly crying again. He moved the plate and put it on the nightstand, pulling me into his lap. “I’m right here… I’m not going anywhere just yet.” He reassured. I turned around and clung to his neck. I was mortified. Was I the type of person that things like that could happen to? Yeah, I kind of got smacked around a little, but substance abuse wasn’t something I wanted to add to the list. It wasn’t intentional… And it left me really scared.

“…Thank you. Thank you for bothering me even though I just wanted to be left alone. Thank you for getting me wrapped up in the Organization, for cooking for me and offering me cigarettes and holding me… I’m so sorry… This won’t ever happen again, I’m so sorry… I-” He pulled away, gently moving my bangs out of my eyes. “…I know.” He pressed his forehead to mine and I stopped talking, the whimpering eventually subsiding as well.

“…I do love you. I mean that. I don’t have anything magical or snarky to say about what happened to make you spontaneously feel better about it. But I’m here for you if you need me. I’m glad you called me- really.” He kissed my forehead again, lingering and fingers threaded through my hair. He promised he wouldn’t talk about it without me bringing it up… Had I brought it up? I don’t know, I don’t care. Let’s just say I did for the sake of saying it.

We had school, but I didn’t want to move, so he didn’t force me to go nor leave me alone. He just let me stay in his bed all day and eat food, hesitant and scared and terrified to go home. Would mom count this as “staying over at someone else’s house”? Would I get in trouble for that…? I don’t want to know… She’s probably still pissed about the window… Should I call Sora…?

I let all of the thoughts leave my head when I felt him kiss my forehead again. It was the most simple gesture and yet he kept doing it. It was like wishing for my safety through a simple, yet affectionate action. He only got up a couple times to use the bathroom or bring us smokes or drinks or food. He smoked half of his pack of cigarettes in one sitting- apparently I had really stressed him out… He kept gently running his thumb over parts of me too… My hand, my knee, my thigh, my shoulder, my stomach,… And he never stopped kissing my forehead.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Okay apparently this fic is longer than the first Harry Potter book. Holy. Mothafuckin’. Shit. A LOT OF NOTHING AND INTROSPECTION IS WHAT THIS IS! I was going to say I promise soon more interesting shit will go down soon, but then this chapter basically wrote itself. I honestly wasn’t intending for anything of this caliber to happen in this story… I intended for Roxas to actually intentionally call Axel in a more emotional manner, sober (not high WHATSOEVER) and just kind of crying, but it turns out the story didn’t want to be written that way. Lol  
> Also, let me fucking tell you oxycodones are no joke okay. I had to take them when my wisdom teeth were taken out and I was fucking gone.


	23. Hazy Memories are Best Forgotten Self Injections

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Allllright. I’ve been withholding this chapter from you guys for a long time now, so you all deserve it. As I’m sure you’ve noticed, Roxas and Axel have had little moments with out of context-dialogue that doesn’t seem to quite make sense- at least not to you. Welp, here you go! Context! It’s short, however it will explain a lot- like why Axel was so friendly/touchy-feely from day one kind of, Roxas’ choice of ringtone for him, why they’re not dating yet in spite of being huge raging gays for one another, etc. I wrote this thing like damn near ten chapters ago but it hadn’t reached a time where I felt it was appropriate to put it into the fic yet.

Chapter XXI: Hazy Memories are Best Forgotten Self Injections

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

A/N: Allllright. I’ve been withholding this chapter from you guys for a long time now, so you all deserve it. As I’m sure you’ve noticed, Roxas and Axel have had little moments with out of context-dialogue that doesn’t seem to quite make sense- at least not to you. Welp, here you go! Context! It’s short, however it will explain a lot- like why Axel was so friendly/touchy-feely from day one kind of, Roxas’ choice of ringtone for him, why they’re not dating yet in spite of being huge raging gays for one another, etc. I wrote this thing like damn near ten chapters ago but it hadn’t reached a time where I felt it was appropriate to put it into the fic yet.

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

Memories are… They’re precious, fragile, distorted little things. You realize as you get older that you forget lots of things, and even when you know for a _fact_ that what you’re remembering isn’t like that, it still insists on lying to you. Your memory makes up things that never happened, or little details that don’t exist. Memories are like… They’re like drugs. They’re bullshit, composed of all of these weird factors, can make you act out, and are useless little things really… But… Sometimes, you need them to survive. You need a dose of this, a swig of that… You _need_ them… As “useless” as they are… You need them.  
You need the painful memories that you can’t swallow right sometimes. You need the memories that make you throw up. You need the memories that put you to sleep. You need the memories that help you breathe. You need the memories that taste disgusting. You need the memories that cause you to make wounds that leave scars. You need the memories of how you got said scars. You need the memories of how they healed. You need the memories of all of these things, because without them… Who are you but a shell with no experiences of anything?

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

…I hate having to do things over the summer. You spend various months in school, wasting all of your time on stupid shit you’re never going to use in real life unless you want to specify in something- which is usually the subject you do the best in because that’s the thing you know you’re going to apply to your adulthood. I feel like the summer should be spent doing nothing but fucking around, sleeping all day, staying up all night- things like that. I’ve always felt that way. It hurt even worse when my mother would always force me and Sora off to summer camps and stuff like that.  
Being us, we had similar interests, yet the things that we enjoyed the most were of our own accord; Sora liked sports, group activities, adventure- things like that. Now don’t get me wrong, I like things like that too- just in a different degree. I preferred my adventures being in the same little places and overly explored spaces; places that were comfortable, because places were the only things that I _could_ become comfortable with. People were a lot harder for me to deal with… So that’s why I always hatted our summers. I felt I deserved them, yet I was being robbed of them to such a degree that I may not as well have been doing anything to even consider mine in the first place…

However, it was the only time when Sora got to be away from me (to my personal panic as well as relief) but also away from her. She said we needed time to learn to “live without tongue sucking the air out of the other’s lungs all of the time”. So, I went to a camp for music geeks and Sora went for jocks- this of course, was when I still kind of liked music, boarder-lining getting out of my interest for it. I was always attacked with such an anxiety that I didn’t… I couldn’t handle myself without coming off as rude. I know why- its genetics; I’m prone to anxiety attacks. I know mom had them whenever things weren’t in order or clean- it’s something that’s hereditary and I got it. I think Sora didn’t for the most part- or at least not from what I know of.

But I digress; I left his side and he left mine for an over a two entire months and he was quick to make friends like he always was and I panicked and came off as an ass like I was prone to doing. We were all herded around and lectured on the obvious rules and told of the miraculous “buddy system” because of reasons. Then we were given a sheet that had the same exact things we were just lectured on stamped on paper in a repetitive fashion for each of us. We had each pre-registered for instruments- “Try something you haven’t before, why don’t you?” So I picked the acoustic guitar. And because of that, I got someone with a different instrument than me- “What’s your favorite?” I don’t have one- just one I detested, but I picked the next thing that came to mind- the drums.

That’s when I got lumped with people who played something different than me, my lovely partner for an eternity of over a month being someone who’d play the obnoxious pots and pan set for adults who was late if not showing at all- meaning if he didn’t, I’d be all alone or worse, stuck with a counselor. We were all told to get to know one another, and at the end of three days at least, have a song we all wouldn’t mind to learn to play together over the course of my summer break- in turn, teaching us to learn how to play our instruments in the process as well as the public humiliation of having to play it in front of everyone at the end. Some could multitask singing, and if we didn’t have a singer, we could just have someone cover it for us.

We were shown to our bunks and I was approached from behind with a casual “You know most people like the top bunk.” I didn’t turn around and replied that I wasn’t “most people” and that the bottom also came with the space under the bed. He hummed and climbed up to the top, that fact alone meaning he was the one I was stuck with all summer, making lots or racket as well as attempted small talk that I rebutted. After a while, he seemed to get annoyed with me. He leaned over the edge, scaring the shit out of me with a sour face and a stare while I sat on my bed in an attempt to fix a few things. “…W-What? I get it I’m not much to talk to…” He shook his head, upside down still. “No it’s not that. I’m just worried you think I’m talking too much or am annoying.” I shook my head and mumbled a reply, holding my ankles together and staring at them. “N-Not really… I don’t think I make for good company, so if you want to do all the talking it’s fine by me- I don’t mind listening, it’s the only thing I’m good at…” He blinked at me for a moment before snickering at me.

“W-What?!” …Okay he would potentially be annoying. “Nothing.” He said, removing his upside-down head from my view and placing it where it should have been, climbing down, standing before me, and offering me his hand. I looked at it like a moron, unsure if he wanted a shake or to have me stand as well, so in the end I didn’t take it, making him huff and flop down on my bed, lowering his head so he wouldn’t hit it considering his height. “Axel- don’t cha forget it- especially considering you’re going to be stuck with me for the majority of the Summer or so and we’re going to make _wonderful_ music together.” I ignored the innuendo for the most part. “…Roxas- and if you make another joke like that I will hurt you.” …For the most part.

He laughed at me, and by the end of the summer we were playing a shitty cover of “How Far We’ve Come” with some other losers we couldn’t care less about and me being coaxed into doing the vocals by a flaming haired idiot that I decided to call a ferret after a series of outdoor and bunk-bed tricks. During the summer, he had taken to calling me “Roxy” like I was a girl or something and it made me mad to no end, but I eventually let it drop after constantly correcting him to produce zero results. …And that was probably the first time in a long time where I’d felt relaxed and let a smile ease onto my face.  
…But even in spite of that, we had snuck off to go hang out alone again for the last night we were there. Sneaking off just to talk about everything and nothing at the same time becoming a habit of ours that I had taken a liking to, even with all of the countless lectures from the counselors not to do so. They couldn’t be too particularly mad- after all, we were following their “golden buddy” rule. After a minute of talking about nothing and everything, there was a pause, I told him if I were to see him again that I’d act like I didn’t know him for reasons I couldn’t tell him, and he just hummed at me like I had said something interesting and stared up at the sky.

…That was probably the first time I’ve ever wanted to act so violently towards someone so terribly in my life and I had no idea why- and it wasn’t him...

He agreed, but… “…Alright then- on one condition.” He said, holding his index finger in the air. “What?” I asked, feeling the anxiety pool in my stomach and harden. “…Promise me something.” My reply was instantaneous. “Anything.” I’d do anything so he wouldn’t have his opinion of me change- so that he wouldn’t have to see what it was like in my life outside of this place… “…Promise me that if we for whatever reason do meet outside of this place, that you’ll let me get to know you again if not more. … _And_ if I can figure out what it is that you don’t want me knowing so badly that you want me to completely forget about you, that you’ll go out with me.” Go… Go out with… As in date… Right…? Those were the thoughts that had I had been left with has he proposed this deal to me. …It was impossible. He’d never see me again- this I felt completely sure of.  
“…Deal.” He held out his pinky, and I offered mine up, as childish as I felt it was. But in doing so, it had distracted me, and he stole a kiss so quickly that I hadn’t seen him move, but I did feel it; it was brief, but hot. It was nothing spectacular like all of the stories and movies say. There were no sparks, was no intense passion- it was just weight on my mouth that was warm, and it was probably the warmth that had me flushing ridiculously. I had stammered while he just smiled and stood up, placing his hands on his hips and looking out to somewhere before saying. “…I mean it you know… I really like you Roxas…”


	24. Spontaneous Nepenthe

 Chapter XXII: Spontaneous Nepenthe

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

Expectations are cruel.  
People expect you to become a mature adult. They expect you to act your age. They expect you to have a good time at the party. They expect you to be happy. They expect you to have kids. They expect you to be clean. They expect you to be healthy. They expect you to get good grades. They expect you to have a job and do well in it. They expect so many things from you- even if they don’t realize it.  
It’s crushing. It’s painful and suffocating…  
And yet I expect myself to keep it together.

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

I took in a shaky breath, mortified of opening my door- wait should I knock or ring the bell…? What the fuck, it’s my house! …I don’t wanna be here. I just wanna go back to Axel’s and lay in his lap and cry and apologize over and over and freeload and… My vision was darkened by a looming shadow and then was followed by a knock on the door. “…You’re shaking.” He stated. I didn’t reply. I’m sure I was…

The door was whipped open, mom looking furious. “Where the hell have you _been_?!” She yelled, pulling me into her arms. …Well the affection was new. Was it because Axel was here? Or was she worried about what I did last time. She looked up at Axel as if realizing he was there also. “Was he with you?” She asked, her tone quick and worried. He nodded with a single hum. She sighed heavily and pulled him inside, practically tugging me along in a choke hold. She stopped in the foyer so we could take our shoes off, then pulled us back inside. “Did you eat?” I nodded without a word as she let me go to make something in the kitchen in spite of me already eating.

…She’s so panicked… What happened? I heard a door open upstairs, quiet clomping downstairs, and then Sora was in the doorway of the kitchen. He didn’t say a word and just looked at me. I glanced over at mom, then at him and he avoided looking at me. …Well something happened while I was out… I’d have to ask him later. “Axel can you please give me your number so in case if that happens again I can call and see if he’s with you?” He nodded, again not speaking to her. Was it just me or… Was everyone pissed at her and she seemed to be the only one who didn’t notice? The tension was so thick that if I opened my mouth I feel like I’d choke on it.

Mom gave us food just to give us food, trying to talk to us and ask me what happened and was given curt replies from Axel and mumbled ones from me. Axel eventually took his leave, kissing me on my forehead the minute mom looked away, Sora already back upstairs. “…If you need me, call me, okay?” I nodded without a word, still feeling bad about what happened.

I went upstairs, mom disappearing somewhere in the house. I shut the door behind me and Sora was just sitting on his bed with the lights off in spite of the hour. “…So… What happened…?” I asked quietly. There was already tarp over our window. That’d be a hell of a fix… “I don’t want to talk about it.” He replied, his tone normal volume, not scared if she heard him or not apparently. “There’s things I know you never want to talk about, and this is mine. So drop it.” I flinched a bit, looking down at the floor. “…I’m sorry…”  
He didn’t reply for a long time while I stood with my back to the door. “…We need to get out of here…” I heard him say, his voice barely above a whisper and cracking. “I’m scared for you…” He said, his voice a bit louder. “I mean, I’ve always been scared as well as scared for you, but… It just keeps getting worse. I don’t…” He fumbled for words, eventually dropping it and not saying anything more.

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

Nothing really noteworthy happened for the next couple of months. The Organization did a couple other school functions, I went to work with the girls, Axel and Sora gradually worked their way up to their normal selves again, and I kind of was back at square one with myself like I was at the beginning of the year. I had people to talk to now, but I was terrified of freaking them out or making them hate me or whatever Axel had felt when I called him.

The only noteworthy thing was the amount of conversations I had with the hacker on our group site. They were always on and never seemed to reply to anyone’s messages but mine. I made a note to ask about it, getting strange looks and the usual, “No. Like we said, we don’t know if it’s a glitch or a hacker.” statement. So they didn’t know. You’d think I’d tell them, but… I kind of liked having that small secret. The hacker even pointed that out.

 **⃝βϗᴥ ɷʘ̥ΩΨɣɑζ [11:24]** : …You know I’m surprised. You haven’t told any of the others I’m not a glitch yet.  
 **The Key of Destiny [11:24]:** Was I supposed to?  
 **⃝βϗᴥ ɷʘ̥ΩΨɣɑζ [11:26]:** Well… No. I’m just not sure what exactly you’re getting out of this. It would be easier for you to tell them is all. Yet you haven’t, so I found it odd.  
 **The Key of Destiny [11:28]:** Well it’s not like we’re having any extraordinary conversations on here or have some scandal going on. We’re just talking and discussing events and stuff. If you want to eavesdrop on things like that, I’m not going to stop you. With what you can apparently do from what you’ve told me, you could do a lot more harm than good if you felt like it, but you don’t. You just watch. No need to tell them if you’re not disrupting anything.  
 **The Key of Destiny [11:43]:** …You there?  
 **⃝βϗᴥ ɷʘ̥ΩΨɣɑζ [11:48]:** …You’re odd.  
 **The Key of Destiny [11:49]:** So I’ve been told.  
 **The Key of Destiny [11:49]:** But then again, so are you.  
 **⃝βϗᴥ ɷʘ̥ΩΨɣɑζ [11:48]:** Fair enough.

I actually kind of had a lot of good conversations with the hacker. I found out that they actually lived close by, but travel was a problem for them, so they didn’t. They’ve never even been past our school all but one time. They were around my age, eventually getting that they were a few years younger. I still had no idea what gender they were or what their name was.

 **The Key of Destiny [8:57]:** I think it’s amazing that someone your age can do things like that.  
 **ɷΨζβϗ⃝ɣɑΩᴥ [9:00]:** …Really?  
 **The Key of Destiny [9:02]:** Yeah. So many other kids do like sports or drama things like that and here you are, hacking computers. That’s really amazing.  
 **ɷΨζβϗ⃝ɣɑΩᴥ [9:03]:** …Even though I could bug your computer or give it a virus?  
 **The Key of Destiny [9:04]:** Even cooler.  
 **ɷΨζβϗ⃝ɣɑΩᴥ [9:12]:** …You really are odd.

One thing I did notice is that sometimes when replying to me, they’d suddenly stop or take a good while to respond for some reason. They never told me why even though I asked once or twice before. They basically just said things happened where they were and they had to stop replying for a while sometimes. I also noticed that no matter what time I messaged them, they’d always reply within at least ten minutes. That was weird… Were they _always_ on? …Or was I talking to different people each time?  
 I wondered if they were in a similar situation as me. Without meaning to, I ended up playing a couple comp games with them online, finding they actually used the user ID they were given in the group for all of their other ID’s- or was it the other way around? Regardless, I kind of liked No. i and enjoyed our talks.

“…You going to go make out with your computer again?” Mom asked as I tromped up to my room right after dinner. “What- no…” I mumbled. She grunted, not sounding convinced. Had I really been doing it that often? …Whatever. I liked ‘em well enough.

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

 **ᴥɑɷϗɣΨζΩβ⃝ [5:23]:** So you’ll be going away for a while? **  
The Key of Destiny [5:23]:** Yeah, some trip with the group or whatever- you saw the details on it, right?  
 **ᴥɑɷϗɣΨζΩβ⃝ [525:]:** Yes. **  
The Key of Destiny [5:25]:** Sorry about that…  
 **ᴥɑɷϗɣΨζΩβ⃝ [5:27]:** It’s not your fault. I hope you have fun. **  
The Key of Destiny [5:28]:** Thanks. You want pictures or something?  
 **ᴥɑɷϗɣΨζΩβ⃝ [5:30]:** …No, it’s okay. If you want to tell me what happened in general I wouldn’t mind though. I don’t think it’s right for me to ask for pictures. **  
The Key of Destiny [5:31]:** You sure? I wouldn’t mind. It’s all I do on trips anyway. Less interaction yet I can still look like I’m there of my own accord.  
 **ᴥɑɷϗɣΨζΩβ⃝ [5:53]:** …You are so weird. Ahe. **  
The Key of Destiny [5:58]:** Well so are you if you keep talking to me. I didn’t have to rub off on you at all!  
 **ᴥɑɷϗɣΨζΩβ⃝ [6:03]:** Fair enough, I guess. Do you have everything all packed already? **  
The Key of Destiny [6:05]:** Finishing up right now. Want me to message you before I go tomorrow?  
 **ᴥɑɷϗɣΨζΩβ⃝ [6:05]:** If you have time, I wouldn’t mind. ****  
The Key of Destiny [5:05]: Okay.

The trip that was mentioned was one for the Organization during our spring break. Apparently it was yearly as a celebration for a job well done for half of the year since most of the major events were done during the first half. Also end of the year things tended to get hectic, everything coming down to the wire, college for seniors, things like that so less people can go- which is kind of a waste. So, all thirteen of us drove for several hours to this undisclosed location, the only person knowing being Mr. X and a few of the older members. Apparently our parents had been told where we were going, but even then Demyx implicated it could have been a ruse just so we were allowed to go. “I mean, what if they let it slip or something?” He reminded, Larxene actually seeming interested in his conspiracy theory. I personally didn’t mind either way.

Sora was going to spend break with Kairi, but I’m sure he was going to text Riku so much he’d be living by a charger or may as well bring him along. Then again, it _was_ Kairi, so he may not. They were pretty close and he sometimes tended to forget about Riku a bit when it was just him and Kairi. She hadn’t told him where they were going either, but promising they’d enjoy it. My bet was an amusement park or something. Don’t let Kairi fool you- the girl’s family was loaded.

So, the next day, Sora and I were both off, to each his own. I hugged him goodbye, he promising to bring me something like he always did. I couldn’t make the same promise, but if I could I would.  I carpooled with Axel, throwing my things in the trunk and calling back seat. The trip was supposedly long so _fuck_ riding shot gun. We went to pick up Saïx, then meet at the school, Mr. X driving a large family van (very odd for someone like him) and driving himself, Xaldin, Luxord, Zexion, Lexaeus, and Larxene. Mr. Xigbar had Marluxia, Demyx, and Mr. Vexen in his car.

Even then, Mr. X had Larxene get in with Mr. Xigbar, Vexen grumbling about lack of space and why Axel couldn’t take him. Axel chuckled nervously, but it was more or less out of a kind gesture towards him out of actually feeling ashamed of not having to deal with a car full of people. We all followed behind Mr. X in the car, stopping at a store for him to buy things that he didn’t disclose to us, putting a few in the other cars and vaguely threatening us if we tried to look in the trunks. I wondered if Axel’s trunk could be accessed through the backseat… Then we went to a gas station where he paid for gas for everyone -full tanks- then we left.

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

I groaned and sat up, having abandoned my seat belt or any other safety precautions a long time ago. “I swear to god, if I have to listen to **_one more song_** by this guy, Saïx…!” I threatened, the bluenette still drumming his fingers on the dashboard absentmindedly to the beat. “Shotgun gets to pick. It’s the rule. Diver should be concentrating on the road, not the radio and since I’m closer than you, I get to pick.” He reminded, Axel not really stating either way if he let his car operate like that. “Oh yeah? Well back seat is gonna fucking _kick_ you in the head if you don’t change it.” He sighed heavily and cranked the music all the way down. “Fine. However, if you play something tacky, I’ll change it, heed my word.”

I sighed heavily, glad it was off. I leaned forwards, popping open the weird little arm rest things that weren’t really arms rests for the front seat. I have no idea what the fuck those things are called and really don’t care, I just know Axel keeps gum and music in there. I pulled out his ipod, shuffling through his music. “…Do you really need more than one ipod in your car?” Saïx asked, pulling out the other one.

Axel didn’t look away from the road, but replied although he had been watching us. “Between both of them it’s literally all of my music from my computer- there’s actually a third one, but I forgot to grab it.” I looked up from the ipod for a minute, not knowing what to say and sure my expression was a mix of “are you fucking kidding me” and “you god damn nerd”. “…Music junkie.” I said, rolling my eyes and flopped back into the back seat and scrolled though his music, Saïx doing the same with the other ipod.

“…You’ve got HIM on here?” I asked, looking up after I finally scanned through enough artists to find someone I recognized. “Huh? You mean the sassy gay devil guy from the Power Puff Girls?” Saïx asked legitimately and Axel and I both tried not to laugh at him. “No.” He said, trying not to choke on his own laughter. “Here, we can put it on since you have no idea what it is.” I sat up and leaned over to plug the ipod in.

“…HIM always made me want to fuck in the back of my car and commit dual suicide.” I stopped mid cord grab to look at Axel. “…And yet I’m the fucked up one?” He shrugged, a smirk playing on his features. “Well what about you?” He asked, giving me a glance while I resumed plugging in the ipod. “…Something about them reminds me of The Birthday Massacre.” He snorted loudly. “Like you’re any better?” It was a band name. He needed to shut he fuck up.

I felt a smile tug at my mouth, but refusing to give into it made it looked forced. “…If you weren’t driving I’d fucking punch yo-“  
“COME LOOK AT THE SCARS~! SMOTHER A HEART~! OPEN~ING UP~! LOOK AT TH- ow!” I rolled my eyes and reclined in the back again, content with having punched him in the arm. “…Well this doesn’t make me feel like I’m intruding on a lovers quip at all.” Saïx quipped. I kicked his seat. “Feel more included now?” I watched his shoulders jump from stifled laughter from the front seat. “Oh, yes. Thank you so much for letting me be the third member in this ménage à trois.” The guy was a smart ass if you let him be…

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

I was eventually woken by the car door being opened and almost falling out of it. “Hey, Sleeping Beauty. Time to get up now.” Axel said, my brain not recognizing that I was upside down and why I couldn’t see shit in the dark yet. I grumbled something unintelligible and he helped me sit up. My head reeled from the sudden motion, but Axel helped me wake up while everyone else apparently was off doing their own thing. I could hear Demyx whooping and Larxene bitching about how someone wasn’t holding the light properly.

I felt a gentle kiss on my hair before Axel patted my head and left me to finish waking up on my own. I kinda wanted him to stay a little longer… But he apparently had something else to attend to, so I may as well see what snatched him away with a bit of distain.

“…Tents?” I asked, still groggy. We were out in the middle of nowhere, setting up fucking tents. “…Where the hell _are_ we- Isn’t this like illegal trespassing and loitering or something that is societally frowned upon?” I heard a snort come from my right. “You kidding me? We’re not _stupid_. Vexen owns the damn place.” Xigbar chided.  Mr. Vexen? I looked over to him, confused as to why he would have something like this way out in nowhere. “…I have a hobby of botany- given the time. I was a college professor before this and had _much_ more time to tend to it than I do now… So it’s mainly used for the Organization’s trips now.”  
“That an’ he’s gettin’ old.” Xigbar added with a smirk and was met with a reprehensive glare from Vexen.

“…So, what… Our trip was out to the middle of nowhere to camp out?” I felt a light tap on my head. “Come on, help out.” Zexion said, offering me the pole he had used to tap me on the head with to assist with the tent. That wasn’t answering my question… I sighed and did as was asked of me, making more of a mess of things than helping out in the grander scheme of things. Even Demyx somehow managed to be more productive than me.

When we were done, it was officially and completely dark. “Alright kiddos, who’s ready for a drink after all that stiff car ridin’ and sittin’ and that pain in the ass work?” The way he offered it made it sound like- hoooooly shit he just brought out a lot of fucking beer. “…Um… We… That’s…” I stuttered for words. Larxene took an entire six-pack, climb up on top of the SUV and plopped down, taking out a beer and drinking it. “I DESERVE THIIIIIIIIS!!!” She yelled out into the empty space that was ours. Axel chuckled, tapping the car as she offered him one.

Everyone- and I mean fucking _everyone!-_ took at least one beer and started drinking it. “…Are you fucking kidding me? This is intoxication of minors- that’s il-“ Axel jacked me up from behind, his arm over my mouth. “It’s not illegal- stop saying everything we’re doing is illegal. It’s fine so long as there are adults present who allow it. Besides, this space isn’t exactly _pubic_ so there’s no point worrying about that one.” He pointed physically with the hand the held his beer for emphasis. Great…

“…So… You of all people… Are telling me- of all people- that you think it’s okay for me to drink?” I asked him, hinting at the last time I was gone on something. “…Yes. It’s not like it’s a constant thing. Besides, we’re all right here and if you start acting crazy, I’ll take care of you- promise.” He offered me his pinky finger… And as childish as it was, I took it. “…It’s okay. You can relax. No one’s gonna freak out on you.” He said, stroking my hair with his empty hand. I didn’t have time for those words to clench around my ribs as much as they would have had he not quickly changed his tone with a, “Now… Have a beer!” while offering me his.

I looked at it apprehensively. I glanced around to everyone else, an odd sight. Lexaeus was resting peacefully against the car, a beer in his hand as casual as a glass of water in spite of Xigbar chatting his ear off and apparently already being on his second beer. Larxene was chugging hers periodically on top of the SUV, Demyx climbing up to join her and steal a beer or two from her. Mr. X and Xaldin were having a conversation, Vexen taking a can or four to the inside of the SUV and almost looking suspicious about it. Luxord was making light conversation with Zexion and Marluxia, probably jesting at them on occasion while the three of them headed for a tent.

So this was… Really okay? Really, really? I looked up at him, the apprehension still on my face. He leaned down and kissed my forehead. “…It’s okay. I’m here for you, even if you do get shit-face drunk.” He offered with a chuckle. I sighed and took a big gulp of it- and gagged.  
“This is fucking disgusting- how are all of you drinking this?” It was so bitter…! I feel like everyone was pretending to like it. Or maybe had gotten drunk and enjoyed the feeling, so they dealt with the terrible taste until then. Axel chuckled at me. “You’ll get used to it- if not, I’ve got a bottle of wine in my car.” He offered, thumbing in its direction. I made a disgusted face at the beer and he laughed at me. “Okay, come on.”

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

“YOU CAN’T HAVE INDIE MOVIE MOMENTS IN REAL LIFE AND NOT HAVE A FUCKING LAKE SCENE!” I slurred, standing on top of the SUV with Larxene. “THIS IS BULLSHIT!” She was laughing hysterically at me, finding everything I said funny even though I was dead serious. “WHERE THE FUCK IS THE LAKE?! WHERE THE FUCK IS THE LAKE?!” I started screaming, attempting to jump off of the SUV- Axel catching me first. “Hey, woah, wait Roxa-“  
“WHERE THE FUCK IS THE LAKE!?” I kept asking at the top of my lungs while he tried to help me upright. Eventually, Demyx joined in on my chanting, Larxene still laughing. “Shut the fuck up!” Zexion yelled, trying to whip open the tent entrance, but forgetting it was a zipper, it took him a minute… Moment… …Marluxia had to get it. Zexion was shirtless and screaming at us, I kept yelling and started stripping. “It’s too hot for this shiWHERE IS THE LAKE!?” I stopped mid-sentence to join Demyx.

“Who-hoh… Looks like kiddo is hammered. No one give him a cut off limit?” Xigbar said with a chuckle. Axel shrugged. “We all agreed on three beers- he didn’t drink any beer.” He said with a chuckle. “Smart ass. You just wanted to see him drunk, didn’t you?” Xigbar asked, leaning against one of the cars- and almost missing- and crossed his arms, attempting to play if off like nothing just happened. Axel smirked, but didn’t call him out on it. “…Hey is Vexen still passed out in the car?” He asked, looking into it to answer his own question.

“Better question is if your boyfriend’ll stop at his pants.” Xigbar chuckled, not taking his eyes away from me. Axel was confused, but when he saw me still screaming about a fucking lake and taking my pants off, he quickly ran up behind me, scooping me up and spinning me around. “Hey, woah there. Please keep your boxers on, okay?”

“Don’t spin me, don’t spIN ME I’M GONNA FUCKING PUKE.” He stopped, lowering us both to the ground. “I’m sorry- I’m sorry. S’okay.” I felt him kiss my head, but the predominant feeling was the churning in my stomach. I’m gonna fucking puke… I closed my eyes tight, waiting for my world to stop spinning. I felt him stroke my hair and kiss my head until I felt better.

“…I hate you… So much… You literally just kissed it better this is bullshit… Where is my stupid lake scene? I wanna fuck on a beach…” I grumbled, my mouth spitting out any thought that came to my head. I looked up at his stupid attractive face in the middle of my off-hand rant and… He was really close or I was really drunk- wait is both an option? …Yes. Yes is an option. Option for what? I caught myself snickering and burying my face in his shoulder. “What’s so funny?” Axel asked, turning me around so my neck wasn’t at such an awkward angle. “…You’re stupid face.” I said, still laughing. It wasn’t really. It was nice. He was attractive.

He had this stupid nose that was kinda big and a bit long. His eyes always looked a bit narrowed and his eyebrows were so thin there was no way they were naturally like that and both of those features naturally made him look cocky all of the time. There was nothing in particular about his chin that stood out to me, but his cheekbones were nice. Nothing overly defined, but they were there if you noticed ‘em. Well no shit, isn’t that how a face works?

He hummed in reply, and I caught myself laughing again. I felt him run his fingers through my hair, the other up and down my bear spine while he kissed my forehead. “…You’re really drunk.” I hummed an affirmative reply, turning my nose so the tip of it touched his neck. My hands were limp in my lap and it registered in my head that they were close to his stomach. Have I seen him shirtless before? Duh, you shit. …I think. I don’t remember. I ran my fingers up his shirt, my logic telling me that touching them somehow would remind me if I’ve seen them or not. Yes. My logic was flawless. Jeezus was he always this warm? I like him very much…

“…Hi, grabby hands.” He said, pulling my hands out from under his shirt. “Mmmm hi~” I cooed, our noses touching. “…You know, as tempting as it is to want to let you be all over me while you’re shit-faced, I don’t think sober-you would approve of this.” He said, holding my hands so I couldn’t grab at him again. “I’d be too embarrassed…” I slurred, trying to pull my hands away from him with no success but also no real effort. “…Oh yeah?” I hummed a reply, rubbing our noses together.

“…You know… I could…” I looked downwards and he caught my drift. My hips were placed over his and if I moved even a little bit… “Oh, no, no, no, no. No. Don’t.” I chuckled and it turned into full blown hysterics. When my laughter had finally died down, my hands were still tucked away in his but resting closer to his chest, my face buried in his shoulder.

It was quiet for a long moment before I jumped up without warning and ran off into the vast expanse of grass. “WHERE THE FUCK IS THE LAKE?!” Axel got up and ran after me, Demyx joining in with the chanting and Larxene resuming her hysterics. There was a low groan that came from Mr. Xemnas, but he let us go for the most part. “I’ll take him to bed after this, I’m sorry!” Axel called.

I managed to run to a large tree, avoid Axel and make it back- all with falling only about three or seven times. Who knows. Not seven. I definitely can’t count when drunk. Nope. No way. Totally was not seven. Nope. Demyx high-fived me as I made it back and I stole a beer and attempted to try it again- all in one go.

“God damn it- Roxa- fuck…!” Axel went to take it from me and soaked me in beer. “…Well lucky he was just in his boxers.” Xigbar said with a laugh, not moving from the car for fear of falling. …I’m wet. It smells gross and it’s hot and my boxers are gonna be covered and beer and… And… I started sobbing. Like, hysterically. It wasn’t even over the stupid beer… I could care less about that really. Axel approached me carefully, setting the beer down on the top of the SUV. Larxene snatched it up, not even bothering to drink it now that she had it but probably just enjoyed the feeling of it being in her hands. She was like a crow and the beer was a shiny thing.

“…Roxas…?” I hiccupped, sobbing and attempting to get words out, but they were so jumbled and I had so many thoughts going on in my head that I just… “Roxas I’m sorry I spilled beer on you.”  
“I DON’T FUCKING CARE!” I yelled, then resumed sobbing and trying to speak. He sighed, gently pulling me into a hug. “It’s okay- it’s okay. Come here. Come on…” I pushed him away while he gave me a confused look. “Roxa-“ I puked. He stopped, staring at the mix of junk food, alcohol, and stomach acid I had just deposited onto the ground.  
  
He let me finish puking, rubbing my back and holding my hair back, then gently pulled me back to his car, getting my bag out of his trunk and got me new clothes. “Come here…” He gently took me by my hand into the car. He dried me off, quick cleaned me up with a wet wash cloth (having gotten the water from the cooler with the beer after the ice melted), then put my shirt on, cautiously removed my boxers, then put a new pair on and some pants.

When he got out of car, there was loud whistling. “Where’s the trophy, I wanna see.” Saïx said with a smirk, talking about my underwear. Axel rolled his eyes while I was still hiccupping in the car. He set up a few more things before taking me out of the car and putting us in our tent. He held me until I stopped crying like a big fucking baby. I hated this so much… “…You okay?” He asked. I shook my head. “…No…” He didn’t ask anything more. I was kind of expecting like some kind of interrogation or him asking me how he could comfort me, but… He didn’t. I should have known better than that by now. He wasn’t the type of person to offer false pretenses or bullshit comfort me. If I was sad, he’d sit here with me until I stopped and if I didn’t want to talk about it, he wouldn’t bother to ask.

“…Axel?” I asked, sniffing and looking up at him. “…Yeah?”  
“…I have a headache now…” I grumbled stupidly. He chuckled, but got up and got me a water bottle and a granola bar from the large stash of food we had brought. “Here- don’t puke this time.” He carefully helped me drink and made sure I didn’t choke while eating, eventually just situating me in his lap.

“…I don’t hate you, you know.” I said out of the blue, my head still pounding so bad it was like I could feel the world’s pulse. “…Oh yeah?” He asked, running his hands through my bangs. “…Mmhm… I really like you a lot, actually.” I admitted. …Okay maybe this wasn’t out of the blue. I mean, to him it probably seemed like it, but between my sobbing, I was thinking about so much shit… A lot of it was about him since he was the most immediate to me at the current time.

I looked up at him and he kept gently stroking my hair while I sat in his lap. “...That so?” I nodded furiously, making my word spin. He chuckled at me and kept running his hands though my hair. He probably didn’t drink a lot since he was the driver for us. “I like you so much…!”  
“…Is this a drunk love confession?” He asked me, stroking my cheek. “…I don’t know.” I grumbled, averting my eyes but not pulling away. “You don’t know?”

…I kissed him. “…You taste like a conjunction of different kinds of shit right now.” He said with a laugh. I didn’t have the energy to actually hit him, so I just rolled my eyes and turned my body around so I was facing him. I was position between his legs, so it wasn’t as insinuative as before when I was just in my boxers. “…Even though you said I taste like shit you still let me kiss you.” He snorted, but nodded all the same. “…You’re right.”

I was really close to him again, but didn’t move. “…You’re drunk you know.”  
“…I know…” I mumbled, taking that as a cue to move away from him. His smile was warm and he kissed my forehead. “If you want, when you’re not fucked up off of your ass, I’ll kiss you again.” My brain processed so many thoughts at once yet none at all and I felt my eyes well up again. “…Why are you crying again?”

“…I hate you…” I grumbled. “It’s not fair… You’re not allowed to love me like that…” He laughed, confused. “Love you like what?” He asked, stroking my hair. “Just… Whatever the fuck it is you’re doing right now! Stop it! It’s not fair…!” He tipped his head with his lips pursed. “…I don’t think I understand what you mean, Roxy. Besides- you kissed me first just now.” He reminded.

“You just…! You’re so nice to me and you never bullshit me and… And…!” I couldn’t process what else I wanted to say. I fumbled for words and it only made more frustrated, in turn making it harder to find the words I wanted, making me fumble with them more. I hated this person so much- I was so envious of how he was able to love me… I hated it so much. He’d never get that back from me… I felt sorry for him for loving me like that. It wasn’t fair… I couldn’t give him that back…

I ignored trying to fumble for words through my drunken slur and took to kissing him again. Harshly… And he let me and returned them, but quickly calmed me down so they were simply, light pecks like those from a bird. The need for air was then spaced out more and more and… I didn’t pull away for a long while, the nagging that I was drunk and tasted like shit was in the back of my head. I was greedy however… I just kept kissing him.

I don’t know why people make such a big deal about this… I really don’t. Writers are liars that make it seem like this wonderful explosion you need to experience in your life and if you don’t you’re fucking up… And it’s not true. But… There’s this immense, simple comfort of having him hold my hands and press his mouth to mine. There’s this basic, wondrous feeling of him keeping my hips grounded so I wasn’t hovering so far above him that it hurt his neck to bend that far backwards to meet my kisses. This extraordinary, practical feeling of him pulling away and telling me I should go to sleep now while letting myself get wrapped up in his arms.

I hated this person so much for coaxing these kinds of feelings out of me. I hated him for making me feel so loved and so important I didn’t know what to do with myself… I hated him. So much. I hated him so much that I couldn’t bear to not have anything to hate anymore… I’d miss him terribly… Yet I’d hate most of all how I’d never get to keep him. If he were to find out, confirm it, that my mother was crazy and hurting us… I’d be too ashamed to face him.  
I placed a bet on a love that I never thought would flourish, and now the fucking plant was a Venus flytrap and it was calling my name ever so sweetly and nibbling on me bits at a time while I slowly but surely crawled inside of it of my own will.

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

When I woke up, I felt like shit. My head was pounding and we were being yelled at. “Well helloooo~ my dear princesses~! Nice to see you’re awake!” Xigbar greeted us as well as Marluxia and Zexion who exited their tents around the same time as us with a deep bow as. Both of them were still shirtless. “Come on, kiddos. We let you sleep longer than everyone else. Your tents are the only ones left to pick up.” True to his word, all of the other tents and beer cans were handled already. Axel told me I could just go in the car and go back to sleep. When I asked him if this was really alright in some kind of not understandable hangover-sleep slur, he waved me off and started picking up our tent.

I was dozing in the car while waiting for him to finish up. Eventually the car door popping open woke me up and Axel and Saïx got in. “Man I am so tired…” Saïx groaned. “Tell me about it. Even though I didn’t drink that much, I was up really late. Still…” He said with a thoughtful hum. Still what…? Whatever… I was quickly back asleep while quiet, classical music was being played from the car speakers. Saïx reclined the passenger chair as far as it would go and was passed out in it soon after.


	25. Apologetic Weakness

Chapter XXIII: Apologetic Weakness

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

Weakness. There is a particular kind of weakness that is only exposed after achieving a specific kind of intimacy. It can only be exposed when your layers of first-impressions, and embarrassed feelings, and falsified anger has been removed. After you have seen them at their lowest and at their highest. This kind of weakness is something private and can only be achieved willingly. If it is forced, it is not weakness it is shattered and broken into some other warped sense of self. This kind of weakness can only be achieved through hot bodies and small gasps in the dark when you hope no one is listening.

This kind of weakness is intimacy of the purest kind. It is the over exposure of your heart and body and all of your flaws in one, fatal moment… And it’s so very, very terrifying.

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

By the time Saïx and I were alive, it was just starting to get late into the evening, but we felt much better and Axel had been sure to keep water and fruit in the car so we’d have something to eat and keep us hydrated when we woke up. “…So, Roxas, since you’re awake, do you know why the sunsets red?” Axel asked, leaning back in seat a bit and angling his face so I could hear him better but so he still had a decent view of the road. “…Not this shit again…” Saïx grumbled, downing an entire water bottle as if wishing it were still alcohol. “…Not really. It’s cool though.” I admitted.

“Well you see, light is made up of lots of colors. And out of all those colors, red is the one that travels the farthest.” I rolled my eyes. “Like I asked- know it all. Someone pays waaaaaay too much attention during science class.” Saïx chuckled from the front seat. “I told him pretty much the same thing when he first told me that.”

“He’s such a pain in the ass, isn’t he?” I asked with a wide grin. “Oh, tell me about it. I’ve been stuck with this moron for _years_ \- can’t find anyone to pass him off on. You seem like a worthy candidate though.” I snorted. “Yeah right- I don’t want him either!” I said, sitting up from my seat.  
“Hey, hey! Right here!” Axel reminded, shooting us both glances. “…Do you think if we ignore it, it’ll go away?” I asked Saïx, causing him to laugh out loud. “Hey!”

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

“A… beach house?” I asked in awe at what was practically a mansion. “Looks like you finally got your lake scene, Roxas~” Demyx chuckled and patted me on my shoulder. “…Huh? Lake scene?” I asked, looking over to Axel in confusion. He pursed his lips and shook his head while looking like he was suppressing a laugh. “Nothing, forget about it. Come on, help bring this stuff inside the foyer.” He said, shoving things from the trunk into my hands. I looked at him skeptically before letting it go and bringing the bags into… the… massive… fucking… foyer…

“…You gonna let your jaw drop any lower or should I just shove insect like Demyx in there myself?” Larxene asked, nudging me out of the way. “Wha- her, no, what- er, sorry… I…” Mr. Xemnas clicked the lights on, giving light to abode. The foyer was massive and the entire room had a golden glow about it. “…This place is huge…” I said, still gaping as I gently let the bags slip from my arms to the ground.

“Eyup. Now, hurry up and help get everything inside so we can decided on rooms- that’s always fun.” Luxord said with a chuckle. Oh boy… When he thought things were “fun” that usual meant some kind of twisted game… I didn’t know if I should actually hurry or take my time now…

Regardless of my speed, things were brought into the foyer rather quickly and then we were all lined up. “Alright, now, I will per usual go over the rules. There are six rooms in the mansion- making for everyone to be paired with someone else. However, I will be staying in the basement.” Mr. Xemnas started. “Everyone, please choose a partner.” I felt Axel lock arms with me. “…What if I don’t _want_ to room with you?” I teased. He cocked an eyebrow at me that read “seriously?” and I couldn’t even keep pretended like I honestly gave a shit. Truthfully, I liked rooming with him.

The rest of the pairs were as follows: Zexion and Marluxia, Lexaeus and Saïx, Xigbar and Luxord, Vexen and Larxene, and Demyx and Xaldin. Some of them were odd pairs, but I’m sure it was more of a strategical move over anything. When we were all situated, Mr. X nodded approvingly at all of us. “…The first pair to find the Realm of Light wins and can choose who has what room, however pairs are not to be disrupted. You until midnight. …Go.”

“Wait a wha-“ Before I could even ask what the “Realm of Light” was, Axel was dragging me out of the foyer and into the garden while everyone else went to different parts of the mansion. “Wait- what are we looking for?” I asked while he tugged me along. “No idea.” He said simply. “…You fucking serious?! We could be here all night!”  
“Uh, actually, he said we have until midnight. That means we find it by then or he picks who gets what room.” Well that wasn’t clarified, but I guess it was more or less obvious… “So, I figured why not go where the darkness is- makes light easier to find than in a room full of light already. I mean it’s not _completely_ dark out yet- hell it’s still kinda bright but… You get the point!” He said, already being ridiculously strategic about this. “What, that’s our only clue? Seriously?!” I groaned while Axel let me go and plopped down between some bushes.

“…Yup.” I groaned loudly and scrubbed my face with my hands.

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

I had to take a break from Axel. Like seriously him and everyone else were taking this game _way_ too seriously. All of the rooms were nice in their own right, so why fight over it like that? I’m sure it was just a way to keep everyone entertained but… I had hunted for an empty room and found them all to be occupied by at least one person- at least until I found the library.“…What, no Vexen or anyone else in here book checking? That’s actually a shocker.” I said with a snort. “…It is because _I_ am usually in here until their game is over.”

“DAH!” I practically fell on my ass. “Wha- holy…! Jeeze!” I gasped for air and clutched my chest. Mr. Xemnas chuckled at me and offered me a hand. “Taking a break, I assume?” Shit- I was caught. “Er, I um…” He shook his head. “That’s alright. It’s your choice, I won’t force you to play if you don’t want to.” I felt my shoulder’s relax at that statement. Okay… That was good at least.

“…So like… No one ever comes in here?” He nodded. “At least not until the game is over.” That was weird. “Is that like a rule I missed or…?” He shook his head with another chuckle. “No, it has just become an unsaid rule among them since they end up trying to ask for more clues anyhow.” Ah. That made sense. I walked over to the large table in the middle of the room and took a seat. It was really massive… There were a couple books placed on it and some loose leaf paper, but it was mostly organized.

I didn’t want to touch anything and mess it up, but I had the urge to put the books away… But if they weren’t already organized I may end up spending my break fixing the books in the library rather than relaxing. So don’t do it. Don’t. Do- “Can I put these away?” I asked, looking over at Mr. Xemnas and pointing to the books. …Fuck I did it. He nodded. “They are organized already as a normal library would be, fiction on the back and left wall, non-fiction on the front and right wall. Feel free.” Oh thank god… I happily picked up the books and put them away, getting quite a kick out of getting to use the ladder.

…Hm? “Um- there’s a spare book up there- on the top I mean. Was there no room for it, or…?” Mr. Xemnas looked at me, then shrugged and turned away, not really much interested. It was his library though, right? Whatever, I’ll just put it awa-

…The Realm of Light: a Book on the Theory of Light Applied in Art. The Realm of Light was an art book? …Holy shit the Realm of Light is an art book! I looked over at Mr. X with wide eyes and he seemed quite contended but didn’t look at me nor address my findings. “…Do I have to announce it or something?” He shook his head, so I quietly climbed down, finished putting the rest of the books away and felt much more relaxed and contented with the organization of the library.

I admired my handiwork for a moment before relaxing like I had intended to at the large table. …This was nice. It was a quiet victory that I’m sure was meant just for me. After all, I didn’t know better like the others had. That or they would have to break their old rules to find something they wanted. It was a test for them as well as for me, but I won.

…It was nice.

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

“Friends,” Mr. Xemnas started. “You have all put in a wondrous effort as you always have.” He said, gracing everyone with a smile. “However, none of you before me have found what I asked of you this evening.” There was a grumble of sighs or other disappointed noises. “Therefore… Roxas.” I stepped out from behind him, the book in my hands. “If you would pick who gets what room, please?”

“HELL YEAH!”  
“Please oh please give me the green room…!”  
“ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!”  
“I was wondering where he had snuck off to…”  
“What was the Realm of Light?”

Came the chorus of voices all at once. I chuckled and held up the book to shield me bit from them. Ew, gross I was getting shy… Then again, I wasn’t exactly used to praise… “…Oooooooh. It was a book!” Xemnas nodded. “Keep in mind the proper and improper usage of the Principle of Falsifiability, my friends. Do not assume one thing and use a subject of basis that will have a constant confirmation regardless of how the answer will vary.” I have no idea what the hell he was talking about… But whatever. I got to pick rooms.

…I almost said they could choose what they wanted, but then I practically saw an all-out war between them over one room. Nope. “Uh… Axel can go pick our room. The rest of the pairs rock-paper-scissor.” I said, dead serious. That always solves everything, I swear to god it does. I got a few questioning looks while others like Lexaeus and Saïx just set straight to it. Axel had started grabbing some of our bags and went to what was to be our room. “…Alright, victors, step forward, losers have to carry everything to your rooms.” There was some teeth sucking from Larxene. “…Okay, um… Mr. X pick a number one through fifteen.” I decided, realizing they were now in odd numbers. He thought a moment, then nodded.

“Guess a number- those who guess without going over have next pick, then the one after and like that till you each have rooms.” Marluxia guessed eleven, Saïx guessed seven, Xigbar guessed two, Vexen guessed four, and Demyx guessed nine. “The number was thirteen.” There was a loud groaning at the irony and Marluxia smirked. Marluxia got next pick on a room, then Demyx, Saïx, Vexen, and then finally Xigbar got stuck with whatever was left over. I heard Luxord start bitching immediately to Xigbar about how shitty he was at games and it ended up turning into an argument between the two.

Everyone went to their respective rooms, Axel showing me which room we got. “…The one with the best view of the beach outback. From this end up to a few hundred meters, it’s private. After that you gotta take the train to get to the other end to enjoy it.” He said as if trying to convince me to love this room more than the others. I nodded thoughtfully at the dark view of the massive amounts of water, sitting on the bed as I did so. …It was nice. Creepy looking right now, but nice.

“…It’s like some weird space in between worlds out there… It’s kinda creepy.” I said with a chuckle. He shrugged, putting some of his clothes away into the dresser. “I personally kind of like it.” Yeah, well, that was him. …But he was right, it did have its own allure to it. He eventually finished putting all of his clothes away, then suggested I do the same.

“I guess…” I mumbled. “I’m gonna put on some music- that okay?” He asked, looking up at me as he messed with his ipod and neatly placed speakers. I waved him off, not really caring much while I put my clothes in the other dresser. The music, per his usual choice, was calm, yet in a way that stormed over your very person and stole part of it away in a single, fluent motion. It was played quietly as to not disturb the others, me included. I paid more attention to the music than I did putting my clothes away, really. It was nice…

By the time I was done, it was 12:38 (or so said the clock) and I wasn’t really tired. I just sat on the edge of the bed Axel had claimed as his own, listening to his music while he lay down on the bed behind me. “…This is really nice. I like whoever you have playing right now.” I said, not looking over at him. “…Yeah?” I nodded and felt the bed shift. “This makes me question if you listen to melody or words- so which is it?” I felt him place his mouth close to my ear. “The melody or the lyrics about sex?” He teased. My face flushed and I shoved him away. He just laughed and dragged me with him.

…God damn it. He sat there for a moment before getting up and clicking off the light and returning to the bed- and me to his arms. The music played in the completely dark room and I could faintly hear his breathing over it and the slight temperature difference where he was touching me. I felt his fingers start to stroke my back after a while in time with the music. He was such a dork… “…You know you don’t have to sleep in my bed… Yet here you are.”

“Fine I’ll leave then.” I said in a snarky tone and sat up- I felt him quickly tug me back down and hovered over me. “…No. I wasn’t complaining. Just teasing.” He whispered in a volume just barely above the music as he pressed his forehead to mine and I felt my stomach attempt to share room with all of the other organs buried under my ribs. It made it hard to swallow…

“…Can you um… Not do that?” I asked, noting the fumble for words. “…Hm? Do what?” He asked, not moving. “…Hoover over me like this… I… I don’t like it…” He removed himself without even a simple question as to why or a smart remark. He did it simply because I asked him to. I sat up and looked at him for a minute while he just lay there. “…Yes?” He reached up and tucked a piece of my hair behind my ear. “…Why do you do things like that?” I asked, turning to face him better.

“…Like what?” I just stared at him for a moment, the music not registering in my head anymore. I leaned down and kissed him and he reciprocated it. “…That… You’re kind to me so often and always try to make me happy- why do you do that? …Or rather… What am I to you? We’re not friend- friends don’t do things like that. So… What do you consider me?” He was quiet for a long moment and didn’t respond.

“…Okay first off I don’t know who told you friends don’t do that? If you’re not dating or interested in someone you would never be friends with the why the hell would you even consider that relationship to work? Don’t ever think like that.” He demanded, pointing a finger in my face. “…Second off, I do things like that because you deserve them. You deserve to smile all the time and I’m a greedy fuck who enjoys the radiance those stupid little smirks and grin and chuckles give me.” He put his hand to the side of my face and leaned up and kissed me again.

“And you’re thinking to black and white again. You’re not specifically my friend or specifically someone I’m trying to get to date me. I adore you regardless of which category you’re contended with settling into with me.” …Stop that… That wasn’t fair… I felt my chest swell and my eyes well up. “…Feel like crying?” I nodded and he pulled me close and let me try not to cry too loudly into his shoulder.

I felt him run his fingers through my hair and it was really hot just like yesterday… It was only spring, yet it had been so hot lately… I pulled away and he immediately showered me in kisses. I became greedy- I reciprocated them, hunted for his mouth. I clung to him and selfishly wanted his affection while still having mixed feelings about things like that… That wasn’t fair to him… And I think it bothered me so much because I… To him, I…

I felt his fingers grip slightly at the base of my neck and his other hand run up and down my back in an attempt to calm me down. …But it kind of backfired. That or he was being greedy too… I felt his tongue in my mouth and it was heavy and thick and wet… You’d think because your mouth was full of saliva that something like that wouldn’t be noticeable, but… I let him- I actually wanted him to. I ran my own tongue over his, feeling it out and actually noticing the taste difference in our mouths.

I noticed the heat from our exhales while we attempted to breathe, but I didn’t want to pull away…  There wasn’t this “need for oxygen” that people talk about- that or they forgot their noses were a thing. It was just hot. I felt his fingers run up my shirt and over my spine and I arched, inhaling sharply. His other hand kept kneading at my neck and running through my hair… I could feel his chest under my own as it rose and fell as he breathed. It was this simple mix of these components and some I’m sure I was overlooking but not meaning to that made this so…

I caught myself gasping, my voice being choked out by the odd workings of my lungs- and he pressed his hips against mine. Just once. But the one little action made numerous thoughts pass through my head. …We could have sex. …Right now. I could let him touch me… He’d still love me after he touched me- right? I mean he said so… His pants down and… How big is it? Would it hurt? Would he even try to put anything in anywhere right now? Or would he wait until later? Or was he fed up with me making him wait for things relating to me…?

He did it again since I hadn’t pulled away or tried to stop him and it tore this odd, choked falsetto from my throat I didn’t know I could make. I don’t know if it was out of reflex or want or both but as he pulled his hips away I pushed back. I felt his hips jerk and then he pressed back and the noises I was making were so embarrassing I had to stop kissing him so I could cover my mouth. I felt him kiss all over my neck, but now he was pressing his hips into mine in a decently steady rhythm that I kept meeting him at.

This was… So embarrassing… How did people do things like this with one another? I wanted to curl up into a ball and just die… He tucked his thumbs under my shirt and slowly pulled it up while slid down and trailed kisses from my stomach up, letting me mostly catch my breath for a moment while I shook. He tugged my shirt off of me, gently, and kissed me when he tossed it aside. His fingers were knotted in my hair and he was pressing his crotch to mine again and I could practically _feel_ it like it was bear. I was letting out these pathetic little noises and I just… He just kept doing it. He just kept grinding into me and… And I really liked this.

I was mortified and turned on and horrified and so entranced with the feeling and… I pulled away, quickly spitting out “I can’t…!” Still in such a mood that my voice didn’t even bother coming down from the falsetto it had caught itself moaning it. “…I can’t…” I choked again. …He’s gonna hate me. I can feel it… I got him all worked up and just told him I didn’t want to… God I’m such shit… I-

He sat up and kissed my forehead. “It’s okay. If you don’t want to we don’t have to.” He… “…You’re not mad?” I asked, confused as to why he wasn’t angry with me. “Mad? Roxas, why would I be mad? If you don’t want to, we won’t.” …But… I don’t understand. “But I started it- and then I said no… That’s so fucking stupid isn’t it- why aren’t you mad at me?” I really didn’t understand…  
And he just kissed my forehead. “Yeah, now I’m a little bothered,” He said with a chuckle as he glanced down at his crotch. “But that’s nothing a quick trip to the shower or some exercise won’t fix, okay? It’s just blood flow people make you think is sexy.” He said with a chuckle, trying to cheer me up. …But… But I… He put his hands on either side of my face and my eyes stopped trying to search for an answer my brain would accept.

He slowly and gently kissed my forehead and let the action linger for a moment. “I won’t force you. That’s not fair to you… Okay? You don’t do things like that to people you love, no matter how bad you want it.” I still… I still couldn’t convey how unfair I thought this was for him… I was so terribly selfish and yet I didn’t- couldn’t- tell him… He wasn’t actually my boyfriend. He wanted to be… But unless he found out and had me confirm why I denied him in the first place, then… It wasn’t official. So this was basically me teasing him… And he wasn’t angry? He didn’t hate me? I don’t understand… How can you love someone so earnestly when you’re not sure if you’ll be with them in the end or not?

“…I’m sorry… I’m so sorry I’m such a shitty perso-“  
“Roxas. Stop. Don’t you dare talk about yourself like that, okay? Hey- look at me?” He forced me to look him in the eyes, both of which were narrow and serious, contradictory to his usual carefree expression. “…You’re not a bad person. Okay? You don’t have to apologize for whatever it is you think you did, alright? It’s okay to not want to have sex- that’s okay. It’s your body and if you don’t want to, that’s alright. Don’t feel guilt for making a decision about _your_ body, okay?”

…I started sobbing. And I kept apologizing. Over and over and over… God I’m such a shitty person… …I want… I don’t want to be like that anymore. I want to be a better person. I don’t want to feel like this about myself all the time. I want… I want to be with someone who makes me feel like it’s okay to love myself.

…I wanna be with Axel. “Roxas, it’s okay… You don’t have to apologize…” …This is the only time he’s ever tried to comfort me when I was upset. Before he’d always let me just get angry or cry but… Right now he was… Saying it was okay? I kissed him in all of my gross tears and runny nose- I kissed him. I grumbled between some sobs and a semi-scratchy throat, “I love you…” and buried my face in his shoulder again. He didn’t move for a minute… Then almost scoffed and ran his hands through my hair. “…I love you too… So very much.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: So the mansion is totally the Old Mansion from KHII, but all nice and not busted~ lol  
> I really wanted to call this chapter “HERE’S YOUR FUCKING LAKE” but… yeah… That happened so I couldn’t even have the damn stereotypical beach chapter in this one! lol Also- YOU’RE WELCOME. Yeah they didn’t officially get it, but they got pretty close- which is a big deal for them! Also Roxas said some mushy stuff- which is a really big deal for him (as always)! ALSO IF I REMEMBER RIGHT WHICH I TOTALLY THINK I AM HE ACTUALLY TOLD AXEL HE LOVED HIM, FUCK YEAH BUT IF I’M WRONG WHATEVER I’M ENTITLED TO FORGET SHIT ABOUT MY STORIES SOMETIMES OKAY?!


	26. Refreshing Requisite

Chapter XXIV: Refreshing Requisite

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

Over half of our body is water- or so we’re told. We need water to survive, yet too much can kill us. Then again, the same can be said about anything. Too much food can tear your stomach open, too much love can smoother you and appear creepy, too much warmth can burn you- and so on. Yet the same can be said of too little. It makes me wonder if anyone has ever found any exception to this rule. Even if it’s not direct, there’s always some kind of effect from too much or too little of something. Is there ever an instance where it’s good to have nothing at all or every little bit of something? It makes me wonder which is worse; having too much or too little of something?

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

“It’s…” Larxene’s expression dropped completely. “…It’s raining.” Demyx finished for her, equally just as disappointed. In spite of them constantly disagreeing, they were usually found together. Downpour was a more appropriate term. No matter where you were in the mansion, the storm and all of its aquatic glory could be heard as if you were outside. “But it was so hot these past few days! This is bullshit!” She quickly reverted into her usual mood. Demyx sunk down to a crouch, clutching his head. “Maaaaaaan! That’s so not fair!”

“Come on, guys. Cheer up.” Axel said, patting them on the shoulders. “You know there’s a thousand and three other things to do here. We can go out when it clears up.” He offered, reminding them of the vast expanse that was this mansion. “…Or we could still go out now.” I offered from my perch on one of the steps of the large staircase. “I refuse. I’m not going to go out there and get sick and waste the rest of this week stuck inside because of not being able to control myself.” Zexion said, reminding me of when I got sick with Axel during December. …Yeah, nevermind. “Yeah well the same can be said of your dick choking…” Larxene grumbled. “Excuse me?”

…You could practically cut the tension in the air, make plates from it, and serve revenge on it while it was still warm. “Guys- relax! Come on, why don’t we, uh…” Axel tried, his brain trying to think of something they’d both enjoy. Zexion sighed. “If you need me, I’ll be in the library with Mr. Vexen.” He said, turning on his heel and headed towards the direction of said library. Axel sighed, a bit defeated. “…I think I’m gonna go play the handheld  I brought or something…” Demyx grumbled, removing himself from the foyer. “…Not if I snatch it first!” Larxene decided, yanking him back and running up to his room. “Hey, no fair! It’s mine in the first place!”

She stuck her tongue out at him from above by the railing of the stairs. “Suck it, bottle-blonde!” And with that, it left just me and Axel. “…I think I’m gonna go back to sleep.” I decided after a long, empty pause. He sighed. “You too, huh?” I didn’t reply as I tromped up the stairs.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I enjoyed the place and I’m sure there was a million and two things to do there or whatever number Axel had used, but I was perfectly content catching up on some much needed sleep after my late night public and private adventures. Plus this place was relaxing in its own way and didn’t have a lot of the tensions my own house did. He didn’t follow and I actually slept in my own designated bed for a few more hours.

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

“Hey sleeping Cinderella, time to get up now.” I felt a gentle shake as I forced my eyes to either stay open or do so without blurring. “Hm…? What…?” I slurred. There was a slight chuckle as I felt fingers run though my hair. “Come on, time to eat.” Oh. Food. That was his thing, huh? Alright… I stumbled out of the bed like a five year old and clung to the back of his shirt so I wouldn’t walk into a wall. I heard him chuckled faintly, but didn’t remove me from his person. I followed him into the expansive dining room, waking up with every step.

“…How long was I asleep?” I asked, officially awake as I stared at the massive amount of food on the table. He shrugged. “I got bored while you were asleep.” There were a few other members already either seated and waiting or starting on making plates. “…This is like an awkward family Thanksgiving…” I whispered to myself, looking anywhere but at the other people in the room.  
“Tell me about it- better than my usual Thanksgivings though. There’s less noise in spite of all of the people and no one is drunk and betting their car keys due to lack of money on the next round of cards.” Luxord commented, obviously having heard me. I couldn’t help but snort at the image of a bunch of blondes who looked like Luxord all drunk around a turkey placing their bets with poker chips.

“Oh you think I’m kidding- I frequently use my uncle Nardine’s car. It’s in rather nice shape and is a fairly new model.” I had to cover my mouth from busing out laughing. Oh my god… “…You should teach me how to play cards sometime.” I offered, removing my hand as the chuckle leaked out. “Better start with Go-Fish- don’t wanna scare you.” He replied with a smirk. “I play Hearts on occasion.” I offered with a slight pout, I’m sure.

He changed his demeanor slightly. “Oh? Well then we should play something after we eat.” I nodded. “Okay.” No sooner than after I sat down at one of the empty seat in front of the massive amounts of food had Axel put an aesthetically prepared plate in front of me. “Enjoy.” He said with the kind of kind tension that made it easy to tell he was trying really hard not to kiss me as he gave me my plate. “…Thanks.” I mumbled, looking away and flushing from the feeling he left in the air.

The meal was spent with no one ever sitting down all together, someone getting up for this or that or Axel fixing another plate or someone going into the other room to eat just to come back for whatever reason,… It was quiet chaos- and it was the nicest thing I’ve ever been in. My house was a lot different during meals- if I was present for them. You sat at the table, no drink until after dinner, don’t get up, and always appropriate side conversation at a minimal volume.

When we finished, the dishes were just left in the sink- it bothered me, but I was ushered out of the kitchen and back into the dining room by Axel before I could even remotely voice my complaints. “Go play cards with Luxord.” He reminded. I just looked at him with narrow eyes for a moment before leaving without a word to find him.

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

“…Now… When you say… You play “on occasion”…” Luxord said, staring at the cards before us. He had coaxed Xaldin and Mr. Xemnas to play with us- much to my anxiety’s distaste. “Uh… Just with my brother when we have nothing else to do…” And Sora usually beat me too. Mr. Xaldin and Mr. Xemnas both and eyed me appropriately as I had won every single hand we played with little to no cards. “…For him to beat you is something- how many rounds did you have to cheat in?” Xaldin asked, a slight tug at one side of his mouth and an eyebrow cocked ever so slightly upwards.

“I did no such thing!” He howled at the accusatory statement. “…So if we beat him, we’ve beaten you- who’s never lost to any of us. Interesting. Care for another round?” Xaldin asked, shuffling the cards already. “Uh, sure I guess…” I mumbled, slumping into my chair. We played a few more rounds and much to Luxord’s dismay, he lost to me again. “I guess that wasn’t a fluke then.” Mr. Xemnas said nodding approvingly. “He _must_ be cheating- I just need to figure out how…” He started mumbling to himself. He insisted I play again only he would sit out and watch.

So in turn, Xigbar got roped into playing with us, smoking a cigarette the entire time. I got close to second that round, but won again. “…Well _shit_ , kiddo.” Xigbar said, scratching at one of his scars. “…I JUST DON’T UNDERSTAND!” Luxord said, throwing his hands up in the air and leaving the foyer where we were playing. I watched after him with semi-wide eyes. I felt kinda guilty- apparently this was a big deal for him? “…Um… Should I apologize?” Mr. Xemnas hummed for a moment, then shook his head and waved a hand dismissively.

“…His card- such as your was when you first joined, read “I bet death and won but had cheated in our card game, so he let life take everything else away from me”.” It sounded… Poetic. Like really poetic. “That’s… Um…” Was I supposed to understand it or something? He shook his head with a chuckle. “If you don’t understand, that’s fine.” I didn’t… But I let it go all the same. I think he was just hinting as to why he was so upset over the game but…

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

It was still pretty early in spite of sleeping in, going back to sleep, eating such a large meal and playing cards for as long as I had. So, some music had been put on per Demyx’s request and then he asked for a dance from Larxene like a dork. “Oh for the love of- no _way_! Dance by yourself!” His shoulder’s slumped dejectedly… But he did it anyways, even with everyone watching. He even made it look fun. I felt kinda bad. “…I think we should move some stuff before it gets broken if you’re going to dance in the foyer.” I offered, then got up and set to putting some things aside. I heard a slight grunt and then a large display case as well as its contents and its stand were placed nearby me.

I looked at Lexaeus for a minute before mumbling ,“Thanks…” with a slight nod. He nodded back to me and helped me move everything aside. “Aw, shit! Dance party!” Xigbar called from up on the balcony. He was like a kid, I swear… “…Zexion, dance with me.” Marluxia said, removing himself from the balcony to the right of the foyer. “…Why?” He asked, looking up from his book at him from the stairs. “Well they already moved everything- why let it go to waste for one person?”

There was a heavy sigh, but his book clapped together all the same and was set aside in favor of dancing with his boyfriend. I watched the three of them for a while, a smile tugging at my mouth and I didn’t even bother to hide it. “…You wanna dance or no?” Axel asked, sitting next to me on the stairs. “Uh, er, no… I’m bad at it.” I added for good measure. “Well that’s not stopping Demyx from having fun.” He said with a nod to him. “Yeah, but… I…” I sighed, knowing no matter what I said he’d make an argumentative point until I got up and danced.

“…If Lexaeus does it, I’ll do it.” I said, completely serious in my argument as I shot a glance to the nearby stonewall of a man. He made eye-contact with me and I nervously glanced away. “Oh come on, you ca- …I hereby hold you to this wager.” I looked at him, confused. …Then realized why. Lexaeus had started hammer-timing in time to the music. …And well, might I add. “…Oh my god…” I covered my face with my hands, in complete disbelief. He then walked up to me after his little shindig that had earned howls of laughter from the other members.

“…Enjoy yourself.” He said simply. “I- er…” I sighed again. “…Alright…” I droned, standing up. Axel smirked at me from the stair where he sat. “…Oh no. You’re not do that.” Saïx said, proceeding to kick Axel in the back and almost sent him flying down the stairs- almost. “Ah- what?!” Saïx raised an eyebrow at him. “You wanted him to do it- so you dance with him as well.” He said, crossing his arms. …Oh thank you Saïx for existing. Axel scratched the back of his head, then sighed, ran his hands through his hair… But then got up and asked me for a dance in the same way Demyx had Larxene.

“…I hate you.” I said, grabbing his wrist and dragging him down the rest of the stairs. I stood facing him and he did the same. “…What do I do?” I asked, completely embarrassed and looked up at him. He shrugged. “I don’t know- somethin’.” He then proceeded to put his arms at a terrible imitation of a 90 degree angle at waist level and bopped them back and forth while bending and unbending his knees. I snarked at him, but imitated him. “Like this?” He chuckled at me and nodded even though we were both sure our dances looked nothing alike.

“Well a fake Jamaican took every last time with that scam  
It was worth it just to learn some sleight of hand  
Band news comes don’t you even worry even when it lands  
Good news will work its way to all them plans  
We both got fired on exactly the same day  
Well we’ll float on good news is on the way

And we’ll all float on okay  
And we’ll all float on okay…”

I felt like a fucking idiot but I couldn’t stop laughing and I didn’t know if it was at him or me. The “dancing” had turned into just some weird body movements that were not even remotely similar to the others unless you were viewing us amoebas through a really shitty microscope without your glasses. He was also snickering and it turned into a “who looks the worst and how can I be worse than that” type of deal and it was glorious. “You look so fucking stupid…!” I finally stopped just to laugh at him, holding my stomach. Guess that made me the loser- …was worth it. “Yeah, well so do you…!” He said in between laughter. “You’re worse looking!”  
“Do you need to dance in front of the mirrors over there- because _clearly_ you looked worse than I did just now!” I retorted. “Did not!”  
“Did too.” I childishly replied, getting in his face the same way he was getting into mine with our “argument”.

He kissed me, holding both sides of my face. I was still snickering as he did so. It wasn’t so much as kiss as it was us bumping lips together while still laughing at the other one. It was nice- till I pulled away and remembered that it wasn’t just us in the room like it usually was when he did things like that. My smile slowly dropped as the gears in my brain slowly started clicking back into place. I didn’t even want to look at anyone else in the room… But my eyes slowly wandered away from him regardless of what I wanted.

I felt my ribs constrict and the blood in my body rush into my face to the point where I got dizzy. “…Well I don’t know if I should scold you for doing that since he looks like he’s going to pass out or congratulate you for having the balls to do so.” Saïx said, patting Axel on the shoulder. A decent majority of everyone had just seen that. And when was the foyer a carousel room…?

“Woah- hey, Roxas…!” Axel grabbed for me as I covered my face with my hands. He slowly sunk to the floor so I wasn’t standing anymore. “Hey- I’m so sorry…” He mumbled. “…You know I don’t think I’ve ever seen a human being that shade of red before- it’s like something you’d only read about.” Zexion commented from afar while trying to hide his smirk. Marluxia sat next to me, looking at Axel, then down at me, then pulled me close so he could whisper something so Axel couldn’t hear.

I nodded. …I nodded again. He gently helped me up and told Axel to stay as he carefully escorted me away. He took me to his and Zexion’s room and sat me on what I assumed was his bed before shutting the door. “…Wanna talk about it?” I sat there for a minute, thinking, my mouth almost letting the words “We almost fucked” fall out of my mouth. Almost.

“…I have no idea.” I finally managed, letting out a breath that had gotten caught in my person. He nodded and sat down next to me, holding his ankle. “…You know the first time I kissed Zexion it was in a library. He was so upset I made him drop his book from the shock that it was like the kiss hadn’t even registered to him and it kind of upset me… He then had to clarify after about two weeks of us not talking that he hadn’t minded it- in fact he told me it just seemed normal for us to the point where the only “shock” he had gotten from it was from me doing so without warning. He just didn’t like being caught off guard like that and that his books were very precious to him. It would be like if someone tried to pull my hair while kissing me or something- I’d get upset too.” He said with a chuckle.

I nodded appropriately while he told his story. “…So are you just upset he did it in front of everyone?” I opened my mouth to reply but… “…That wasn’t the first time he’s done it…” Marluxia let out a slight laugh through his nose that wasn’t quite a snort. “I bet it isn’t. He follows you around like a love sick puppy- or at least he has from the point where I was introduced to you.” I nodded in agreement. I tended to use the term “stalker” but it was pretty much the same term on him wasn’t it?

“I just… I don’t know…” I opened my mouth while my head ran through things to say to explain without explaining. “…We kind of have this bet going on kind of… And if he doesn’t win then I told him I won’t go out with him. But I kind of feel like I’m losing regardless if he wins or not because he’s still doing things like this and I just… It sucks.” I finally decided, looking at Marluxia over looking at the wall as I said it. “…Sucks because you like him or sucks because you feel sorry for him?”

I paused, actually thinking about the question. “…Sucks because I like him but I don’t want him to win or else he’ll know things about me that I’d rather he didn’t…” I admitted to Marluxia, shrinking into myself and biting at my bottom lip. Marluxia nodded and patted my head. “…It’s okay. I know it seems like he messes around a lot more than he actually does, but whatever it is I’m sure he’ll find a way to deal with it. He’s put in too many hours gushing over you not too.” Marluxia said with a chuckle. “Yeah…? Well what if like I killed someone?” I offered.

There was a pause. “…Well did you?” He asked with an apprehensive brow. “…No…” I grumbled, making him laugh. “I’m sure he’d simply say that he would try to help you hide it better or something. Maybe even pull a Hannibal Lecter and cook it up so there’s no trace of it for anyone else.” He said with a chuckle. I groaned and leaned forwards until I face planted on the bed. “…He would, wouldn’t he?” Marluxia nodded. “Of course- that’s what love is. It’s terrifying because you’d never think “hey I’m going to help someone hide a body one day”, but before you know it you’ve got a growing collection of skeletons in your closet.”

I sat there for a moment, turning my head to the side ever so slightly so I could breathe better. “…So… Let me ask you something else. Which is worse for you at this point: Losing him for good and all of the affection he comes with or keeping him with him while he’s aware of your secret?” …That’s actually… That’s probably why I’ve been having a problem. I wanted to keep him without him knowing. That wasn’t an “and”, it was an “or”. I couldn’t have both. It was one or the other. “…The second one… But… I’m scared…” I said, finally sitting up again and trying not to start crying. Oh god I was so scared… I’m so scared he’d get angry with her or me for whatever reason or hate me or think I was pathetic or something and I just…

…I don’t want him to look at me the way I look at myself.

It was like my head cracked just then with that thought that had been trying to form its way out into existence for the longest time and I… and I couldn’t stop crying. “I…” I hiccupped and Marluxia gently shushed me and rubbed circles on my back. “I’m so scared… I don’t…” I gasped for air, trying to breathe. “It’s okay, take your time… With breathing and with him. It’s okay. It’ll all fall into place sooner or later, alright? And if it doesn’t, that’s when you start dropping things.”

…This was so scary… Telling people things like this… It was horrifying. I was… I was friends with this person. Good enough friends to tell him things like this- things I hadn’t even told Sora… When had a line started to be drawn between things I’d tell him and things I’d tell the people I got to call my friends and the things I told the person who I wanted to be my boyfriend? When had that happened…? Or maybe… Those lines had always been there but I had blurry vision so they were never really defined for me until recently…

…That was so scary… And I don’t know which is worse.

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

“Hey,” Axel looked me up and down as he gently grabbed at my arms. “You okay?” He asked, still inspecting me. In a split second I decided to not stop myself. It was this tiny little spark of a thought but… I let it set my entire head on fire. I kissed him briefly and nodded. “I’m okay.” He stopped fussing and looked at me with wide eyes, not saying anything.

He then let go of me and looked up at Marluxia. “…What the hell did you _do_ to him?” Marluxia chuckled and wiggled past him. “Nothing. We just had a much needed talk.” He said fleetingly and left us alone. He nibbled his bottom lip and looked back over at me. “…You really okay?” I nodded again, avoiding his eyes. “…Come have a smoke with me- don’t lie I know you at least have some in your car.” He snorted, a smile ever so slight on his face. He couldn’t even deny it because I was right. “…Okay. They’re only out in the car though. I wasn’t planning on being in a bad enough mood here to have to want to smoke.”

“Yeah, well I want one. You don’t have to have one you just have to come with me.” I said, tugging him down the hallway. …I felt better- refreshed even for whatever reason. It was kind of like… Kind of like I wasn’t choking on my own air anymore. I let someone in and they opened a window and… And it was nice. The window wasn’t always there though. I had to let this stupid ferret in to have one installed first. …It was nice.

We made a mad dash to his car, not avoiding the rain much as we did so. We dropped in and slammed the doors, already soaking wet. “…Well shit. The things I do for you.” Axel grumbled, pulling a pack of brand new cigarettes out from the glove compartment and a lighter. He packed it before opening it and pulling a new one out, looked at it for a moment, then put it back in upside down. Don’t think I’ve ever seen him do that… “What’d you do that for?” He shrugged. “I heard it’s like wishing on whatever star you see first at night. The first cigarette you pull out you make a wish on, put it back in upside down and smoke the rest first.”

“…What’d ya wish for?” He shot a glance over at me, a coy smile on his face. “…You wanna know? I’m not supposed to tell you, you know.” I nodded. “I know- but you’re usually unconventional anyways, so tell me.” He looked at me for a moment longer before putting on between his teeth and offering me one from the pack. Shitty boyfriend… Er,… Well shit I guess I wasn’t too opposed to the idea if I was so freely thinking it now… Better not ever let that slip- like, ever-ever. He lit my cigarette first, then his own and put the pack away where he had pulled it from.

“…I want you to be happy.” He said suddenly, blowing smoke up onto the car ceiling as he looked at it numbly. “…Huh?” I looked at him sideways, water dripping onto my nose from my bangs while the downpour continued outside of the car. “You’re always so upset or so easily disturbed when you’re happy. …I want you to be happy more often and less bothered out of it so easily. It’s why I kissed you. I only rarely get to see big smiles like that on your face and I’m really in love with them… And you.” He said, looking away from the ceiling and over to me. “I really honestly didn’t mean to embarrass you. I legitimately forgot everyone else was there I was so damn in love with you smiling.” He said, looking back up at the ceiling. With an obnoxious groan he tipped his seat all the way back and put the arm over his eyes that had his cigarette in hand.

…Was he embarrassed? I kind of wanted to tell him what I told Marluxia- I wanted him to win our bet but… But then again, the last thing I wanted to hear was the annoying reassurance out of his own mouth that he’d still love me. It was different coming from Marluxia. Something about hearing it from Axel kind of annoyed me… It could have been the fact that if he said it and then ended up not meaning it I’d simply be proved right- and I didn’t want that…

I didn’t reply and took a long drag on my cigarette. I let him stay in his own head for a while as I stayed in mine, smoke in our lungs from the fire of our cigarettes and fog outside of the car from the unrelenting rain. I could reply to him right now… I even kind of wanted to… But I didn’t. I’d fuck it up or just make myself embarrassed and there was something precarious about the current mood and I didn’t want to be the one to shatter it.

It was like that for so long that I finished my cigarette while his was turning to drooping ashes. I took it from him and he didn’t even bother to look. I flicked the ashes into the tray and then smoked the rest of his just to be an ass. He didn’t object or again, remove his arm. …Had he fallen asleep? I looked at him for a moment, gauging if he was or not. …I couldn’t tell.

I put the cigarette in my mouth, letting it hang there while I climbed from my seat onto him. Then he decided to let me know he was alive- only for a moment though. He moved his arm to look at me, staring and studying for what was only the moment I mentioned, then put his arm back over his eyes. “…You’re really attractive you know…” He grumbled. “…It’s so unfair…” He added.

“Huh? What the hell is unfair about you thinking the person you like is attractive?” I asked, pulling the cigarette out of my mouth. “That’s fucking stupid logic.” He snorted. “…It’s totally unfair because it’s like you’re teasing me…” I rolled my eyes. “You’re a big fucking baby.”

“You say “fuck” one more time to compensate for your usual anger that isn’t there and I will throw you over my dashboard and make love to you in my car, so help me.” He threatened. I took another long drag from the stolen cigarette and almost did it just to see if he would actually do it after what happened yesterday.

…He wouldn’t, would he? “…Fuck.” I almost dropped the cigarette. He had shot up and grabbed my wrist, kissing me fiercely- like he’d never get to do it again in his life and it wasn’t even enjoyable. It hurt, actually... The steering wheel was digging into my back and the horn honked once for good measure under my weight before he tugged me away a bit. But maybe the harshness was why I didn’t mind it. He was desperate and really did love me and didn’t know how to show me anymore. So he just kissed me fiercely and harshly and pulled the air out of my lungs like the damn cigarette in my fingers.

There was this rigid tension in his hands that was like ice or maybe even stone. He seemed so pissed… I don’t think I’ve ever seen him pissed. Angry yeah. Pissed- fucking furious? …I don’t think so. I pressed back at his mouth with my own and he bit me. I reflexively winced back and he slowly pulled away, eyes looking a bit hazed and I couldn’t tell you what exactly it was from. He let go of my wrist, took the cigarette back and put it back in his mouth, all without breaking eye contact.

“…You have no idea how hard it is to love someone this fiercely and have to hold back this much.” He said and then took a long drag on his cigarette. I couldn’t tell if his usual sarcastic tone was there or not between the tension. His mood was off… It was… It was like all of those times he was bullshit smiling and forcing himself to be polite this is what he really wanted to do. He wanted to bite me and throw me against his car and hold me so harshly that I couldn’t leave.

I pressed my fingers to my lip and felt that it was bleeding. He… He fucking bit me. It really registered in my brain. He bit me and I bled. This is the first time he’s ever hurt me on purpose. I didn’t know if I wanted to accuse him of the obvious or try to get him to talk to me… But in the end I didn’t say anything and just avoided eye contact with him. “…I mean it you know. I love you.” He said, threading his hands through my hair, keeping the cigarette away from me. He actually retracted his hand and put it in the ashtray before putting his hand back in my hair.

“…You’ve told me…” I grumbled, still not looking at him. “Not enough.” He bit back. He kissed my neck a little harsher than he should have, but much gentler than he had kissed me earlier. It was more or less pressure being applied over an actual kiss. “I love you… I adore you… I treasure you… You mean so very much to me… So please don’t ever forget or doubt that.” He said, pulling away and looking at me like he would burst into tears at any moment.

“…What are… You thinking about…?” I caught myself asking. He scoffed and let me go, pulling away and laying back down in the reclined driver’s seat. “…You. I usually find myself getting worked up when I think about you, good or bad.” He replied, putting his arm over his eyes again. “…Well then don’t.” …He had just scared the hell out of me. …I preferred the “fake” Axel. It was a terrible thing to think, but I meant it. This raw Axel in front of me terrified me and I had no idea what to do about it.

I didn’t want to push him away, but I didn’t exactly want him getting any closer when he was like that… So I wanted all of the fake smiles I could get my hands on so I could plaster them all over this version of him that scared the shit out of me like a kid with stickers. I didn’t like it… And I’m terrible for thinking that. “Don’t? Roxy…” He scoffed at me for a moment, practically rolling his head with his eyes. “If it were that easy I won’t be in this situation right now.”

…Should I apologize…? “…I… um…” He sat up and ran his hands through my hair again. “…You know, I was rewatching this theater show with my dad the other day. The Curious Savage. There was this line that made me think of you… “People say I love you all the time - when they say, ‘take an umbrella, it’s raining,’ or ‘hurry back,’ or even ‘watch out, you’ll break your neck.’ There are hundreds of ways of wording it - you just have to listen for it…” and all I could think about was you. …How many ways do I have to say it before you start loving yourself too?”

Wha…?! “Axel… What the fuck- where is your head even right now?”  I asked, legitimately confused. “…Back in this stuffy old room it sometimes gets in.” He admitted. “I ended up thinking about shit like that again after I scared the hell out of you earlier.” He said with a casual shrug. …So… Even though he’s scaring me right now… It’s because I scared him first? I sighed and wrapped my arms around his neck. “Wha… Roxa-“  
“Shhh. Stop talking. …Stop thinking. It’ll rot your brain.” I told him, not moving. He didn’t say anything as I instructed, eventually wrapping his arms around me in turn. I probably had managed to keep the silence in the car for an entire fifteen minutes before I broke it.

“…It’s hard… For me to take nicely to the things you do for me because I’m not used to them… It’s really hard for me to adjust to things like that… But… But I’m trying. Really.” I mumbled into his shoulder. “…I… I like when you do nice things for me. I just don’t know how to react to them. It’s not as simple as to just say “thank you” for me… I’m weird…” I was expecting him to object. …He didn’t. He kept his mouth quiet and just listened and I let whatever popped into my head first come out in the long list as follows:

“…Thank you for feeding me all of the time. Thank you for letting me sleep and waking me from naps for when I need to take care of myself. Thank you for running your hands through my hair all of the time. Thank you for worrying about me. Thank you for letting me steal cigarettes from you along with your other bad habits. Thank you for dragging me into the Organization. Thank you for coming to see me at work. Thank you for taking me skiing. Thank you for coming to get me when I need you. Thank you for making me feel safe. Thank you for making me feel wanted. Thank you for not making me feel like shit. Thank you for not talking about the scars and bruises you know I’m covered in… Thank you for showering me in affection all of the time. Thank you for loving me… So please don’t be upset with me… I’m getting there…” My voice cracked several times and I was so glad I wasn’t looking at him…

“…I love you, too.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Forever and always the universe will deny Roxas the beach. Lol  
> I also changed the name of this chapter like a zillion times, it was ridiculous.  
> I felt like Roxas has a decent relationship/understanding with the members of the Organization, so I thought some much needed bonding time with the older member was in order.  
> Song this time was “Float On” by Modest Mouse.


	27. Can’t Get Any Worse

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: …I’m so sorry but Roxas is never going to get to go to the beach. It’s in the stars that no matter what universe it is, that poor child is never going to the beach.

Chapter XXV: Can’t Get Any Worse

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

…What’s the worst that could happen? Out of everything that has ever happened to me, what is the worst thing that could possible happen at this point? I have not only hit rock bottom, I’ve dug another layer beneath it and ate the dirt I dug up. However, when people say things like “it can’t get any worse” or the like, for some reason, life decides to intrude on their good mood and show them just how much dirt can be dug up and shoved into someone’s system. It’s stifling and choking and there’s almost no escape… Sometimes people end it while they’re stuck there. They can’t do it anymore.

…I don’t want to do that anymore. I’m going to start thinking about it. What is the worst possible thing that could happen to me… And what do I have to sacrifice to prevent it or end the possible scenario once it happens? Some things are unavoidable. However, they typically can be countered. I’ll think about it, as painful and embarrassing as it is… Because I don’t want to lose anything that’s precious to me anymore.

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

We ran back inside, slamming the door behind us without meaning to. Again, we were soaked. “…Ugh… I wanna go shower…” I grumbled, not liking the sticky feeling my clothes produced while sticking to me. It felt really gross… I tromped off to one of the bathrooms, resolving to clean the floor once I was done. Doing it now would be pointless really. “I’ll clean up the floor.” Axel offered while I was quickly and clearly headed for the bathroom.   
“Don’t bother- I’ll do it in ten minutes, just don’t let anyone slip.” My shower would be six minutes, drying off my body completely would be three, dressed in one. I’ve done that so many times before I had it down to a science.

I literally was back out and cleaning the water-trail in the foyer within eleven minutes. “…Well shit. You weren’t kidding.” Axel said with a chuckle. “Of course I wasn’t…” I mumbled, too busy worrying if I had missed a spot or not while I dried the floor. “…I’d offer to help but I think I’d only make more of a mess right now.” I nodded in agreement with his statement. “You can go shower or dry off or whatever you wanted to do.” I reminded, not looking up at him. He didn’t move and for a minute I wondered if something was wrong. The moment I went to look up was the same moment he crouched down and held his hand over mine, hovering so close to me that if he even so much as breathed harder than he was we’d kiss.

…He was asking permission first. I kissed him and he locked my fingers in his. He gave me a smile as he pulled away, my lips, chin, forehead, and bangs wet again. “Sorry. I’ll be sure not to make more of a mess than I need to- know it drives you up a wall.” He said before heading towards the bathroom. “A… Actually…!” I called after him, stopping him. “…It… It doesn’t really bother me… The mess… It’s what I correlate with it…” I admitted, my face flushing as I avoided eye contact. He looked at me for a moment, came back over, bent down and kissed my forehead. “…Okay.”

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

The next morning was really nice out. The rain had finished doing what it wanted and the sun had started to dry everything up. The beach looked really nice from the window and I liked waking up to the sight of it. I sat in my bed for a moment, my knees loosely pulled up to my chest as I stared out of the window for a while longer. I was all alone and couldn’t hear much else from anyone else in the mansion since it was still a bit early- that or everyone was just quiet for whatever reason. Regardless of why, it was nice.

I went over and opened the window, letting the salt water on the wind blow in. This was… It was really nice. I’m glad Axel picked this room. I wish waking up every morning was like this… I really liked the water in spite of my lack of decent ability to swim. That was just because I didn’t have much practice aside from the school pool and the mandatory week or two in it for class. Still… I was actually in a good mood right now. I felt calm and really hoped that it lasted for the rest of spring break.

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

“…What…?” I asked in complete disbelief. I had to sit down for a minute. “I asked you if you could come home.” Came the voice on the other end of the phone while my fingers clenched tightly into the fabric of my pants. “I told you I think someone tried to break in and I don’t feel safe here by myself but I don’t want to leave the house unattended… So please? I’ll come get you if I have to. Don’t leave your mother here all by herself. What if something happens…?” …She’s trying to guilt trip me. If you could have prevented this simply by being here, then it’s your fault it happened to being with. I don’t know if someone really tried to break in or if she was just losing her mind from not having us home… But I wouldn’t put it past her to hurt herself or shatter some glass and in order to make it look like someone had in order to get me to come home.

“I…” I didn’t want to… Please don’t make me go home… You’re so selfish, I don’t want to go… I didn’t even get to go mess around at the beach yet… “Roxas, please?” She begged again. I wanted to hang up on her… Turn my phone off and snap the battery. How could she do this…? She hated me yet was so codependent on me being there… “I don’t want to have to ask Sora, that’s not fair to him…” IT’S NOT FAIR TO ME! “…W… Well don’t you have any friends you could ask to come over?”

“I shouldn’t _have_ to ask my friends over!” She quickly got defensive. “If I don’t feel safe why put them in the same situation? They don’t even live here! You do, so just come home! You’re my _son_!” She snapped through the phone. I don’t want to you selfish bitch… “I…” The door opened and Axel came in, and stopped whatever it was he was going to say once he saw I was on the phone. I looked up at him in despair. What do I do…? He quietly shut the door behind him.

“…Can I call you back?” I asked her. Please don’t make me have to deal with this all on my own… I at least want to talk to him about it. “Okay. I’ll get ready to come get you then.” Wha- You’ve got to be kidding me! “N-No mo-“ She hung up. I looked down at the phone in disbelief. She was… She… I threw my phone across the floor and it shattered into its more defined separate parts and buried my face in my hands. “Hey…” He quickly came over and placed his hands over mine. “…My fucking mom wants me to come home.” I watched his expression drop. “…Giving you no room to argue?”

“SHE JUST FUCKING SAID SHE WAS GETTING READY TO GET ME RIGHT NOW!” I hollered at the top of my lungs. “She say why?” He asked calmly, not letting go of my hands even though they were now removed from my face. “She says she thinks someone tried to break into our house and now she’s scared and wants me home- but doesn’t want to stay with a friend or someone come over or have Sora come home- why does it always gotta be me?!” I didn’t know if I was pissed or on the verge of tears or both but I just… I was so tired of it…

Axel didn’t say anything and just got up on the bed with me, pulling me up towards the head of it with him. He buried my head in his chest and stroked my hair, not saying anything. “It’s fucking bullshit! I really can’t fucking stand her and I just…!” I buried my face into his shirt and screamed. “…Don’t do that too much, you’ll lose your voice.” He scolded quietly. I did it again into his shirt but he didn’t actually do anything to stop me aside from the previous scolding. He just sat there, stroking my hair and didn’t say anything.

He sat up, got off of the bed, and collected the pieces of my phone. “Call her back and tell her she doesn’t have to come get you. I’ll drive you home.” He said, offering me my phone. “…Wh… But, then you’ll miss time to be here!” I said, shooting up and turning to face him on all fours. “…S’okay. I mostly wanted to hang out with you and Saïx, anyways. It’ll be no fun if you’re not here and I can hang out with him a lot more easily than I can with you. So I’ll just use the drive back as an excuse to be with you longer.”

I studied him for a moment and he just shrugged casually as if he had to choose between peperoni pizza or peperoni pizza. No real loss or choice that mattered much to him. “…Well come on.” He said with a smile, waving the arm with my phone pieces in it at me. “I… Okay…” I took my phone and put it back together and turned it back on. I called her back and told her I had a ride home while Axel left the room for a moment. He came back a while after I was done talking to her and I just sat on the bed, feeling numb.

“…I didn’t even get to go to the beach... God I sound like a fucking brat.” I said with a bitter chuckle. “No you don’t.” Axel denied, and started packing some of my things away. “I already told Mr. Xemnas. I’m also having Saïx come along so we can just variate and make it a one day trip.” Great… This fucking sucked… “You go eat something, I’ll take care of this.” I trudged out of the room and into the kitchen to eat. I don’t wanna go…

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

I got in the back with a bitter look on my face. Axel climbed in with me and Saïx got in the driver’s seat. “…You’re not gonna drive?” I asked a bit confused. “Nah. I can do that when you’re sleeping.” He reminded. “Oh…” Just the prospect of having to go back had put a damper on my entire mood and the car hadn’t even started yet… Everyone said their quick goodbyes to me before resuming their time in the mansion and left me to leave.

“…I hate this…” I grumbled, not even bothering to lounge on the seats as I took to sitting normally and attempting to taking up as little space as possible. Axel threw his leg over mine and pulled me close to him with the same leg and the opposing arm. “Come ‘ere ya brat.” He said simply and ran his hands through my hair once. “You can play whatever, Saïx. I’m gonna pop these in.” He said, dangling some headphones. “Alright.” He said simply and turned the car over, pulling out of the drive. Axel offered me another pair and plugged it into a Y-jack so we could share.

“Have your pick, Roxy.” He said, offering up his ipod in what I’m assuming was an attempt to make me feel better. “…I don’t even care…” I grumbled, burying my face in the space between the seat and his chest. He put on a song by Say Anything and I really just felt miserable…

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

The ride home was spent clinging to Axel and listening to the same fifteen songs on loop. Axel didn’t object even once. He just kept running his hands through my hair on occasion or tapping his fingers against my back to the melody. I eventually fell asleep and woke up a few blocks from my house. …Great. Axel made sure I was awake as he called to me from the driver’s seat, Saïx in the passenger seat. “…Wake me Up When September Ends…” I grumbled, knowing damn well it was April. Saïx snorted. “Well who died?” He said, making reference to my statement. “…Meee…!” I groaned loudly into the backseat.

The car pulled into my drive way and I could damn near start crying or shoot myself- all the same at this point really… I didn’t move and felt a tap at my back. “Come on. Get up.” I groaned something unintelligible that translated into something not understandable as it came out of my mouth. I heard my front door open and could have dissipated from the Earth within a matter of moments. In another life, I wouldn’t stay home. Ever. I’d go on some crazy adventures with my friends and enjoy it so much that I could just cry if they ever left. Some other life…

But for now, I was stuck in this one. So, I forcefully pulled myself from the backseat and greeted my mother in a quiet demeanor, then started taking things inside with a precarious method. I stood inside with my shoes off while Axel or Saïx handed me my things and I ran them up to my room and ran back down. …Well not really ran so much as walked really quickly. Last thing I need is for her to freak out in front of them… I always had to be ridiculously cautious when someone else was around. When all of my things were inside, I was shooed upstairs to put them away, but not right before Axel struck up a conversation with my mom. Oh god damn it what is he doing now…?

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

I looked at the bag set neatly by the side of the living room couch. “Y… You… You’re staying… Here…?” I asked, looking at his bags. …THAT WAS WHY HE BROUGHT SAÏX! THAT SON OF A BITCH, HE PLANNED THIS! “Yeah. I figured it’d be safer if more than one person was here. Besides, your mom seems to like me enough.” He added from the couch he was casually placed on like it was his own. Or rather, not his own couch. He never lounged like that on his own damn furniture- least not when I was there… So this was weird.

“…You’re not sleeping with me.”

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

…My bed was too small for this shit. “…Can’t you sleep in Sora’s bed?” I grumbled. He snorted and clung closer to me. “Nope~” I sighed heavily. “…I don’t have a lock on my door… My mom could come in any time… Just go sleep on the couch!” I grumbled, pushing him away. I had managed to keep quiet and out of sight the entire time Axel was here, in turn making him follow me and making mom not notice me nor him in turn.

I pushed again but he didn’t budge very much, so I just sighed heavily in defeat and stopped pushing. “…You’ll be off before she gets up, right?” He hummed in reply, no real affirmative or negative in his tone as he coddled me. I sighed heavily, resolving to just give up for now. He was usually up pretty early anyways, so I may as well just consider that a yes… I sighed once more, but it was less of a sigh and more of a heavy breath out.

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

“…You know I don’t think I like you when you’re home.” He spoke from the kitchen table across from me. “Huh?” I looked up, a bit taken aback by his statement. “…You’re like how you were when we first met- really quiet, don’t do much, very reserved and closed off… I like the obnoxious Roxas who’s constantly threatening to hurt me and gets all starry eyed over the food I make for him.” I felt the heat go straight to my face, so I looked down so far to hide it that my chin touched my collar bone.

“…You’re not gonna tell me to shut up?” He asked, his voice a bit quieter. “…No…” I grumbled. Truthfully, he was the kind of person where if you ignored him, he’d eventually lose interest- least I thought so. Never had been in a setting where I couldn’t tell him to go fuck himself before now. I decided I wasn’t that hungry and took my plate to the counter. “You barely ate- you okay?” I promptly put the leftovers in their most appropriate containers, nodding my head. “I’m fine…”

“…You usually do that?” He’s prying, he’s fucking prying I hate that he’s prying why is he prying? “…Do what?” I asked, putting the Tupperware in the fridge, then washed my plate. “…That. Whatever that is. You barely ate and you’re being really OCD about putting things away right now. I don’t think I’ve ever meet anyone in my life who puts it all away and then washes their plate- least not right away.” …I was gonna hurt him. I dried the dish and the silverware, then gently slid them back where they belonged. “…My mom doesn’t like food being left out and she freaks over dirty dishes. Nothing spectacular.” I said, washing my hands again and avoiding the part about me not eating. “I’m actually kind of surprised she didn’t give you a set of house rules.” I felt his eyes follow me as I walked over to the stove to dry my hands on the towel hanging from it.

“…She gave me basics. The usual “don’t make a mess, pick up after yourself, no shoes inside, don’t get too rowdy” kind of deal.” He put some food into his mouth and I felt my stomach churn. I didn’t like having him here… It made me uncomfortable. I leaned against the counter, using my hands to prop myself. “…When you’re done let me know. I’m going upstairs.”

…Leaving him to deal with the dishes on his own was a mistake on my part.

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

Mom called me down from my room about an hour later. “…You leaving dishes in the sink?” She asked me, her tone accusatory. “What- no-“ The sound her hand made as it connected with my face practically echoed in the kitchen. I was mortified. It was either going to turn red or worse- swell and Axel would see it. Couldn’t she have punched me in my stomach or something? Something I could hide? Was she… Was she trying to get him to leave or something? Then why not just deny his request to stay in the first place? Or was this just me being paranoid?

“I’m sorry I’ll take care of it right now.” I quickly spat out before her hand had even fully been put down from hitting me. “…Good. Your friend ran to the store for me- we were out of glass cleaner and he offered to go buy it when he saw I was leaving.” Oh thank god… He must have felt awkward being here so he probably wanted to get out for a minute or so… Oh thank god… That could have been why the dish was left however. He probably had just put it in the sink, caught her leaving, offered to go, then she didn’t see it and thought it was mine. Or maybe even saw it and didn’t care.

In the long run, it was my fault for not telling him properly and leaving him alone. It was my fault. So I guess I deserved it. I washed his dish and silverware, then put them away in their proper placement. I inspected my face in the bathroom mirror for a moment, noticing that it was already turning red. I quickly grabbed an ice pack and went out in the backyard for a while with it pressed to my cheek. If it was still red when Axel got home I don’t know what I’d do…

…Did I make another mess somewhere? I didn’t leave anything anywhere did I? I really don’t need to be hit again, least of all with him home… I mentally scanned the entire house and every room I had been in as well as what I had done in that rom, making no note of any mess. I should still double check. I got up, taking my shoes off again and checked every room. Even if I didn’t make a mess, if something was off I should still fix it. The pillow was crooked. The bathroom mirror wasn’t closed completely. I had to remake my entire bed because the design line I used as a marker wasn’t even with the edge of the bed. The kitchen sink was still wet so I had to dry that.

…Is the fridge organized? I put the ice pack back in the freezer and set to removing everything from the fridge. When that was done, I cleaned the entire thing out and started putting things back. …That was wrong. I took everything back out and set to putting it back in the fridge again. …This still looks a mess. I gotta hurry up and finish this or she’s going to be pissed the food was out for so long. I gotta hurry up and make it look better. I gotta make it look as organized as possible. I gotta-  
I jumped ten feet in the air and my breath got caught in my throat, making me practically choke on it. I whipped around, clutching a container of cream cheese. “…Roxas?” I was shaking violently, having been terrified Axel was my mom. He gently lowered himself to the floor, meeting my eye level. “…You okay?”

I couldn’t find any words to reply to him with. I just kept breathing harder than I needed to and shaking. I placed the back of my hand to my mouth and nodded. I realized I was shaking so bad he may not have seen it, so I nodded a bit harder to make it more defined. He studied me for a moment and I waved him off, agitated but still shaking. I did it again, a bit harsher and turned away from him to finish putting things away.

He picked up a container of juice and I gripped his wrist so hard I could have snapped it. “…I got it.” I spat, the words coming out harsher than they needed to be, but I didn’t regret them. He let go, holding both his hands up in surrender. He stood back and watched me meticulously place things in the fridge exactly as I wanted them. I then set out to do the same to the freezer, telling him he should probably bring my mom the glass cleaner. “Just bring her the bottle and give me the bag, they go under the sink but we fold them up so they don’t take up as much space.”

I heard his footsteps leave the kitchen as I continued cleaning. …This was wrong- worse than the fridge. So much less room to work with… This is so upsetting. This is not okay. I took everything out again, not even noticing as Axel came back into the kitchen with the plastic bag from the store. I put them back in, still not satisfied with their placement. I started taking things out again and I felt Axel gently hold my wrists back. “…Roxas you can stop now. It’s okay.” He spoke gently to me, like I was a kid with his chest pressed to my back.

I tried to pull away, but he didn’t let me. I started chanting a mantra of “no’s”, each one becoming more distressed as I sunk to the floor trying to get away from him. I was practically whining quietly “no’s” quietly now and became so distressed that I started crying. “Roxas it’s okay. It’s okay, it looks okay.” he reassured, stroking my hair. I shook my head, whimpering. No it wasn’t. It wasn’t okay. This was not okay.

…Wait. He was telling me it was okay… He never did that. He was fucking lying. He was a god damn liar it looked terrible he was _fucking **lying to me**_. I stopped crying and tried to yank my arms back from him, elbowing him in the stomach when it didn’t work. He was fucking lying he’s a piece of trash he shouldn’t even be in here mom’s gonna freak about such a big piece of trash being in here- how _dare **she**_ let him in after all this shit she gives me! How dare she let such a fucking mess in here!

I was fucking screaming while he pinned me to the floor. I heard rushed footsteps and it only upset me more. I actually head butted him- I have no idea who that hurt more- me or him, but I know I was seeing stars and was practically growling. “What the fuck is your problem?!” Mom hissed from the doorway. “Jeezus Christ- get off!” She hissed, yanking Axel back so she could deal with me herself. No, no, no, no, no…! I grabbed a bag of frozen vegetables that I had taken out before Axel stopped me, throwing them at her before she got to me and making a mad dash for the door. Axel snatched me up before I could make it and basically dropped to the floor with me. He locked his legs around mine and held my arms behind my back, then pressed my face to the floor. “Roxas I need you to calm down, okay?” He asked me, his loud volume taking away from what I’m assuming was supposed to be a gentle tone.

“Fucking spaz… He does this sometimes and it’s the biggest pain in the ass.” Mom grumbled from the other end of the kitchen. She picked up the food and put it back in the freezer. “…Roxas?” She asked calmly while I kept trying to get away from Axel. Please, please let me go she’s gonna fucking hit me and she’s gonna freak out and you’re gonna know and then you’re gonna hate me and- “Roxas did you not bring them with you?” Mom asked me, coming over to me and sitting down on the floor next to Axel and I.

I screamed in response and she sighed. “…I’m sorry but can you hold him for another second?”  He nodded, looking confused from lack of context in the conversation. “How many times do I need to tell you. It doesn’t matter if you feel fine, you still need to take them.” She lectured as she left. God damn it no I don’t wanna he’s not supposed to know- not even Sora’s friends knows but he doesn’t know how many god damn it this is not okay…

She came back in with a small hand bag. “What did you not take?” She asked, pulling out several pill bottles. “…He takes medication?” Axel asked, taken aback. Mom nodded. “Yeah. It’s why he’ll randomly freak out or just pull stupid stunts like leave in the middle of the damn winter.” She hissed. “Roxas I need me to tell you if you took any of these or not.” I just screamed at her again and she sighed, looking like she was going to stomp on me. “If you don’t tell me you damn brat I’m going to make you take them all.”

I was so tempted to tell her to choke on all of them stupid bitch I can’t fucking stand her this is not okay Axel’s lying and she’s crazy and this is not oka- She had several sets of pills in her hand and forced them into my mouth- I bit her. Fuck it I’m so done right now I’m so fucking tired and the freezer is a damn mess and I just… I started crying again. “…You done?” She asked me, her fingers still in my mouth with my teeth clamped down on them. I felt Axel’s grip let up on me, but he didn’t let go or get off.

We sat like that for a moment until my crying just turned into struggled breathes. Mom pulled her fingers out of my mouth, my tongue stuck with a disgusting taste on it from the pills starting to dissolve on it. “Swallow.” She said simply. I opened my mouth and stuck my tongue out at her a bit with the pills on them. She tapped my face- the same side she had hit earlier- but nothing serious. It still made me almost bite my tongue. “…Swallow.” She said again, narrowing her eyes. I closed my mouth and swallowed hard. She sighed and ran her hands through her hair.

“…Um… What does he have…?” Axel asked, letting me up, but still gently holding on to my wrists just in case. “A genetic but mild bi-polar disorder and some brand of anxiety- I don’t remember what it was exactly, I have the papers somewhere… At least that’s what they tell me.” She replied, sounding tired. Stupid bitch… “Really?” He asked in disbelief, looking at me. “He’s usually good about taking them so he doesn’t freak out but sometimes he feels fine so he doesn’t take them or other times he just forgets and then flips out. Keeps him from having these damn episodes…” She grumbled. “And it sucks because sometimes he’ll be fine and then he’ll freak out over something stupid and then it’ll set him off and I just… He’s such a pain to deal with…”

 _I’m_ the pain?! I spat the pills I had pretended to swallow at her face. She quickly let out a primal scream and lunged for me, Axel moving me out of the way. “It’s alright, I’ll make sure he takes them!” He quickly spewed before she got to do anything more. “It’s okay- I’ve got him. I’ll make sure he takes them. You can go relax, it’s okay.” She panted, looking like she was going to murder me regardless of the witness. She tossed the bag with the pill bottles in it at me and left the kitchen.

It was quiet for a moment while we listened to her storm upstairs and slam her door. “…You’re a fucking liar.” I spat after another moment of silence. “Excuse me?” He asked, picking the pills I had had spat up off the floor, all the while never letting my wrists go. “I called you a lair. You _never_ say it’s okay. You know better. There was that one exception, but that was that and this is this. So you’re a liar.” He let me go, trusting me enough for whatever stupid reason. Maybe he just had enough faith in his own ability to catch me.

“…Is that really why you do all that stupid shit?” He asked me, getting up and getting a glass from the kitchen. “No I do it because it’s fun and it gets me laid.” I hissed from the floor sarcastically. Axel filled the cup up with water from the tap and handed it to me, then offered me the same set of pills I had spat out. They were all over the floor… Gross. I scrunched my nose while looking at them.

“…Roxas, please?” I looked up at him with a more bored disgust than I had given the pills, but… “Bite me.” I spat. He sighed and pulled out his ipod from his pocket. “Come here.” He pulled me into his lap again and put them both in my ears. He just sat there like that with me for a long, long while, playing the low end section of his music to calm me down.

“…You feel better?” He asked gently, pulling the ear bud out of one of my ears. …In reply, I took the stupid pills that were totally gross and popped them in my mouth and drained the entire glass of water. I opened my mouth to show him I actually took them. He gently patted my head and then resumed relaxing against the cabinets with me. “…You’re fucking crazy, you know that?” He asked me. “…You wanted me.” I reminded. He didn’t reply and just kept running his hands through my hair. I felt a gentle kiss be pressed to my hair and I relaxed into his person.

“…I’m sorry…” I mumbled, my voice barely letting itself get higher than a whisper without threatening to crack. “…Don’t be sorry. Just take your damn meds so I don’t have to worry about you hurting yourself, okay?” He asked me, hands running through my hair. I nodded, just wanting to go to sleep from all of the crying and struggling I had done.

…My throat hurts.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: So, I don’t think I’ve ever really given you guys a good look into Roxas’ head about his mom’s abuse. Like yeah you know he doesn’t like it and wants to get out of there as soon as he can, but I had to get rid of his “emotional buffer” (Sora) before I could show you guys that he blames himself or feels like he deserves it for whatever reason. He’s got this mindset where even if it’s truly not his fault at all, he can twist the situation in his head so it’s his fault so he deserves it.  
> He kind of needs to feel like there’s a reason for it because that makes it easier to deal with. So when he doesn’t have the excuse of protecting Sora, he gets really depressed and quickly agrees with his mom’s logic of “He is wrong.” “He is faulty.” “He is a mistake.” “This is his fault.” “He should feel guilty for being all of these things.”
> 
> Also, congratulations! You have unlocked more major character backstory! Here is your trophy! It has been permanently engraved with “bullshit writer last minute choices” and “emotional heartache and trauma”! Once again, congratulations!


	28. Leave Defective Things in the Garbage

Chapter XXVI: Leave Defective Things in the Garbage

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

Enjoying something when there’s something misplaced or wrong is hard to do. It’s hard to enjoy playing a video game when one of your buttons doesn’t work or keeps sticking. It’s hard to enjoy watching a movie when the disc is scratched or the quality is bad. It’s hard to enjoy playing a soccer game when the ball is deflated a bit. It’s hard to enjoy cooking when the knives are dull.

They’re all still there, the same conventional things you’d usually use, but they’re just difficult. You know there’s better quality things out there you could have. All you have to do is throw the defected thing you’re using away. After all, you can only fix it so many times before it’s bound to be useless. Just give it time.

…He won’t want me now that he knows I’m defective.  
Just give it time.

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

He gently rubbed his fingers over mine and it drew my attention away from the window. He didn’t say anything. He just did it again. So, in turn, I resumed looking out the window. It was so dark and quiet… I heard him scoff after looking out of the window for a while longer. “…What?” I asked, looking over at him. He’d yet to address what had happened earlier officially. Maybe he was just thinking of how he wanted to word it or was waiting for me to bring it up. I wasn’t going to.

“…There’s nothing wrong with me. If I remember right, your card said that, didn’t it?” He asked. Fuck if I know. That was a while ago, it probably did. “…I don’t remember.” I admitted. “But I also don’t care.” He scoffed. “…It’s funny. That you put that I mean. However, that’s opening up a whole can of worms on ethics and how society views things and personal opinions, and I’m not on the debate team.” He chuckled. …Was he… Trying to act normal?

I resumed looking out of my bedroom window without a reply. I don’t want to think about it- hell I don’t even want him here… I just wanna go play some games with no.i… Tell them I’m back and life is shit and lets just play some RPGs or whatever… There was a sigh as he adjusted himself and sat behind me, fingers still locked with mine and his other hand around my waist while he put his legs on either side of me while resting his chin in my hair. “…How much do you even weigh?” Axel asked after a moment of sitting like that. Where had that come from?

“Huh?” I looked up at him, confused. He shrugged, grabbing lightly at my side. “…You’re a lot smaller than anyone would think. I’d been wondering for a while but I never asked.” How much I weighed… I don’t know, I’m scared to check… I already know I’m mentally unhealthy. The last thing I need is for it to be confirmed that I’m not body healthy either… I already know, though… I’m smaller than I should be. Sora’s bigger than me, that’s for sure.

“…I know you’re probably hiding in them, but you look really nice in sweaters.” He added randomly. “I’m sorry, my head is wandering… You wore them a lot when we were at the ski resort and I thought they suited you.” I felt his thumb gingerly run up and down my side. It was quiet as he finally managed to shut up for a while. “…Hey Roxas?” I hummed in reply, not bothering to look at him. “…Go out with me?” My interest in the view from my window was immediately gone as I gave him my full attention. “…What…?”

“…You promised. If I found out, you’d go out with me. That’s it, wasn’t it?” …Yes and no. Part of it. I don’t have to go out with him. “…No. It wasn’t.” He narrowed his eyes at me. “Roxas.” He spoke my name sternly. “I-It wasn’t… That may have been my card, yeah, but… That wasn’t what I was referring to when we made that promise.” He scoffed bitterly.

“Oh, bullshit.” He rolled his eyes and pulled away from me. “How dense do you think I am? I was waiting for you to tell me, I gave you that curtesy- you never did. I was waiting for you to explain the bruises, the mood swings, the way you’d go off and constantly clean things, the way you wouldn’t eat… How dumb do you really think I am? I’m not stupid, Roxas. I was being considerate of your feelings and now I’m kind of just pissed off that you’re still lying.”

“I’m not lying!” I turned around to face him, my volume louder than it should have been given the hour. “Bullshit!” He hissed again, getting in my face and almost knocking me off the bed. He grabbed me before my posture almost sent me toppling and pinned me to the bed. “You get hurt and it sure as hell ain’t from falling. Do you want me to put it bluntly?” Shut up, shut up, shut up, please don’t… Please don’t, I’m terrified of you knowing…

“You get abuse-“

“SHUT UP!”

“No! I’m not gonna shut up- not this time! You get hurt- you get abused. You get beaten and I don’t know if the not eating is all you or if you’re honestly deprived, but you don’t eat! It’s why I make you food all the time! I was so worried one day you were just gonna disappear! The first time you had to come over and I let you borrow clothes I was _terrified_ for you!”

“SHUT UP, _SHUT UP_ , **_SHUT UP_** -“

“NO! I’M NOT GONNA AND I’M NOT DONE!” He yelled, his nose touching mine he was so enraged, his hands harshly holding onto my wrists. “You do all this stupid shit because your brain is fucked because your mom’s brain is fucked and it’s genetics! You’re _fucked_!”

“ ** _STOP FUCKING TALKING TO ME LIKE THAT SHUT THE FUCK UP_**!”

“God damn it-“ He smacked his hand over my mouth and kept it there even when I managed to bite him. “ _You_ shut up! You that scared?! You that mentally fucked that you can’t ever stop being scared and a paranoid little fuck who thinks no one will ever love him?! Because in spite of all of your bullshit, I _do_! I love you and you’re doubting that and denying it and not letting me in any little way you can because you’re scared! It’s not “You’re mentally fucked _but_ I love you”, it’s “you’re mentally fucked _and_ I love you!”, get the difference in your head! You’re a paranoid fucking shit who gets beaten up by mommy and is mortified of dirt and being honest with me! I know Roxas- _I know_! So stop fucking bitching out on me and looking for excuses to not let me be with you!” He yelled, my mind briefly flickering to my mom and if she heard all of that.

He thrusted himself away from me, storming out of the room and grabbing one of his bags as he did so. I sat there for a long while, not sure how long he was gone for, but I was just so tired and emotionally spent I didn’t even cry… I just went to sleep feeling like shit.

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

When I woke up, he wasn’t in the house anywhere. I didn’t ask mom if she knew where he had went. His other bags were still in my room, however, so he had to at least come back for those or talk to me about getting them back... Right? He was so pissed at me… And I had no idea how to feel about that. I didn’t magically know how to reply or suddenly just accept it and move on and go out with him. My stupid shitty brain didn’t work that way…

I pulled at my hair and buried my face into the surface of the kitchen table. …I wasn’t hungry. I put the food away per usual and went back up to my room and face-planted in my bed. …Did he go home…? I don’t care I just… I’m just gonna sleep.

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

 **ɷϗɣɑɷϗɣ⃝ᴥɷΨζΩβ [4:09]:** Well you’re back early. **  
The Key of Destiny [4:09]:** yeah… stuff happened at home so I had to go back. Thought I’d let you know.  
 **ɷϗɣɑɷϗɣ⃝ᴥɷΨζΩβ [4:12]:** Well thank you.  
 **ɷϗɣɑɷϗɣ⃝ᴥɷΨζΩβ [4:12]:** And that sucks.  
 **The Key of Destiny [4:13]:** Tell me about it.  
 **ɷϗɣɑɷϗɣ⃝ᴥɷΨζΩβ [4:14]:** …okay. You were totally going to go on this awesome trip with this cool looking group of people and you got dragged back before you could have any real fun and got put back in your crappy house.

…Smart ass.

 **The Key of Destiny [4:14]:** Oh and VIII totally flipped on me too.  
 **ɷϗɣɑɷϗɣ⃝ᴥɷΨζΩβ [4:14]:** Potential bf flipped on you? What about- if you don’t mind me asking.  
 **The Key of Destiny [4:15]:** I so mind, like you have no idea. You’re going to tell everyone you know.  
 **ɷϗɣɑɷϗɣ⃝ᴥɷΨζΩβ [4:15]:** Yes I know my favorite spec of lint is always eager for more gossip.  
 **The Key of Destiny [4:16]:** He was talking shit about me recently too, you need to get that spec in check.  
 **ɷϗɣɑɷϗɣ⃝ᴥɷΨζΩβ [4:17]:** Ahahaha! Okay, I will, I will.  
 **ɷϗɣɑɷϗɣ⃝ᴥɷΨζΩβ [4:17]:** But really though, is everything okay?  
 **The Key of Destiny [4:21]:** …I don’t know… I mean like it kind of never was and then he found out about it- or rather already knew and just never told me because he didn’t want me to get all skittish or something, I don’t know…  
 **The Key of Destiny [4:21]:** …I’m sorry, vague details are kinda shitty, huh?  
 **ɷϗɣɑɷϗɣ⃝ᴥɷΨζΩβ [4:22]:** No, it’s okay. There’s always that one thing you can’t talk about but want to get off of your chest.  
 **ɷϗɣɑɷϗɣ⃝ᴥɷΨζΩβ [4:23]:** …I have one of those too.  
 **The Key of Destiny [4:23]:** Sorry…  
 **ɷϗɣɑɷϗɣ⃝ᴥɷΨζΩβ [4:26]:** Don’t apologize. Just say what you need to, I’m here.  
 **The Key of Destiny [4:27]:** …Thanks. For a computer virus, you’re pretty cool.  
 **ɷϗɣɑɷϗɣ⃝ᴥɷΨζΩβ [4:27]:** Why thank you.  
 **The Key of Destiny [4:39]:** …But, yeah… I’ve got shit wrong with me and going down at home and he kinda… He kinda flipped shit on me over them because I promised if he found out I’d go out with him if he still could stomach being around me. I kind of maybe sorta tried to bend it a bit so I could still say no…  
 **ɷϗɣɑɷϗɣ⃝ᴥɷΨζΩβ [4:50]:** …Then stop lying and go out with him.

Great, she was taking his side- wait no… There weren’t really sides, it was just my fuck ups and obvious answers.

 **ɷϗɣɑɷϗɣ⃝ᴥɷΨζΩβ [4:50]:** …Or is there a reason you don’t want to?  
 **The Key of Destiny [5:53]:** I… Fuck how do I word this…?  
 **ɷϗɣɑɷϗɣ⃝ᴥɷΨζΩβ [4:53]:** Take your time.  
 **The Key of Destiny [5:08]:** …I guess… I just don’t want to be right. I’m really scared he’s gonna date me and then not wanna deal with my shit anymore and leave me… Plus like it’s really hard for me to understand why he’d still want to date me even after figuring all this shit about me out. Like I’m practically human garbage and he still wants me…  
 **ɷϗɣɑɷϗɣ⃝ᴥɷΨζΩβ [5:11]:** One man’s trash is another man’s treasure, or so they say. Don’t be so mean to yourself.  
 **ɷϗɣɑɷϗɣ⃝ᴥɷΨζΩβ [5:12]:** You’re special, Roxas. You’ve found someone so in love with you they’re willing to put up with all of your hiccups. Nothing lasts forever, so, like the kids say, get that ass.

I busted out laughing. “like the kids say”? What was no.i secretly like 30 and lied? Oh my god…

 **The Key of Destiny [5:14]:** …Oh my fucking god. I literally just had to type that out, fuck the acronym, you didn’t.  
 **ɷϗɣɑɷϗɣ⃝ᴥɷΨζΩβ [5:14]:** I did.  
 **The Key of Destiny [5:15]:** Oh god. No.i you are wonderful, you know that?  
 **ɷϗɣɑɷϗɣ⃝ᴥɷΨζΩβ [5:19]:** …Thank you. So are you. I hope we can still think that if we ever meet in person.  
 **The Key of Destiny [5:19]:** …Same here.  
 **The Key of Destiny [5:21]:** But um… Seriously thanks. You’re a really big help to me and I appreciate it. Even if it’s just games or whatever I really like hanging out with you.  
 **ɷϗɣɑɷϗɣ⃝ᴥɷΨζΩβ [5:22]:** That’s sweet. I feel the same way. It’s a nice distraction from… All that.

I chuckled. They had no idea.

 **ɷϗɣɑɷϗɣ⃝ᴥɷΨζΩβ [5:22]:** …And if not, we could always just go back to hanging out online.  
 **The Key of Destiny [5:23]:** True, true.  
 **ɷϗɣɑɷϗɣ⃝ᴥɷΨζΩβ [5:24]:** …So are you gonna go talk to VIII? If he’s mad it’s only gonna get worse if you let him sit like that.  
 **ɷϗɣɑɷϗɣ⃝ᴥɷΨζΩβ [5:24]:** If he sees that you’re trying, I’m sure he’ll relax a bit and let you speak your piece. Besides, you already put how you were feeling into text just now.  
 **The Key of Destiny [5:26]:** …I guess… I don’t want to though…  
 **ɷϗɣɑɷϗɣ⃝ᴥɷΨζΩβ [5:26]:** Scared?  
 **The Key of Destiny [5:26]:** …Yes.  
 **ɷϗɣɑɷϗɣ⃝ᴥɷΨζΩβ [5:29]:** It’s okay to feel scared. If you have to, write it out and give it to him. It gives you a moment to think about what you want to say and how you want to say it.  
 **ɷϗɣɑɷϗɣ⃝ᴥɷΨζΩβ [5:29]:** Plus it’s not face to face, so it’s easier.  
 **ɷϗɣɑɷϗɣ⃝ᴥɷΨζΩβ [5:30]:** If you can find a way to lessen the fear but still talk to him, do whatever it is you need to do. The biggest thing is that you talk to him, though.  
 **ɷϗɣɑɷϗɣ⃝ᴥɷΨζΩβ [5:30]:** Don’t lose him, okay?  
 **The Key of Destiny [5:30]:** …Okay.  
 **ɷϗɣɑɷϗɣ⃝ᴥɷΨζΩβ [5:31]:** Promise?  
 **The Key of Destiny [5:31]:** I just basically told you I’m bad with those.  
 **ɷϗɣɑɷϗɣ⃝ᴥɷΨζΩβ [5:31]:** Make an oath, then. Swear on it. Don’t lose things you love or else you won’t have anything good left and then you really won’t be happy. Swear it.  
 **The Key of Destiny [5:33]:** …Fine.  
 **The Key of Destiny [5:33]:** I swear I won’t lose things that are important to me.  
 **The Key of Destiny [5:33]:** …Or him.  
 **ɷϗɣɑɷϗɣ⃝ᴥɷΨζΩβ [5:34]:** Good!  
 **The Key of Destiny [5:37]:** …You’re also in that list of important things you know.  
 **ɷϗɣɑɷϗɣ⃝ᴥɷΨζΩβ [5:43]:**. . .  
 **ɷϗɣɑɷϗɣ⃝ᴥɷΨζΩβ [5:43]:** Really?  
 **The Key of Destiny [5:44]:** Really, really.  
 **ɷϗɣɑɷϗɣ⃝ᴥɷΨζΩβ [5:49]:**...You mean it?  
 **The Key of Destiny [5:50]:** Of course I mean it!  
 **ɷϗɣɑɷϗɣ⃝ᴥɷΨζΩβ [5:55]:** …No one’s…  
 **ɷϗɣɑɷϗɣ⃝ᴥɷΨζΩβ [5:55]:** No one’s ever told me I was important to them before without wanting something from me.  
 **ɷϗɣɑɷϗɣ⃝ᴥɷΨζΩβ [5:56]:** …Thank you so much, Roxas.  
 **ɷϗɣɑɷϗɣ⃝ᴥɷΨζΩβ [5:56]:** That means so very much to me.  
 **The Key of Destiny [5:56]:** You’re welcome.

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

In theory, talking to him sounded so much better than actually talking to him. But doesn’t it always? Still… I just had to rewrite what I sent to no.i right? I stared at the message, debating on how I wanted to edit it.

 **The Key of Destiny [5:08]:** …I guess… I just don’t want to be right. I’m really scared he’s gonna date me and then not wanna deal with my shit anymore and leave me… Plus like it’s really hard for me to understand why he’d still want to date me even after figuring all this shit about me out. Like I’m practically human garbage and he still wants me…

…How do you say that to someone without sounding awkward? Like fuck I just- there was a knock on the door and then it was opened. He walked over sat on the bed with a huff and didn’t say anything. He slouched forwards and propped his elbows on his legs, a steeple formed with his fingers touching his mouth. …There was so much tension in this room that I felt like I was choking. “…I’m sorry…” I mumbled. “Please don’t be angry with me…” He looked over at me, removing his fingers from his mouth.

“…I’m not mad anymore. I’m just thinking about all the things you could say and it’s stressing me out…” He grumbled, then sighed deeply. I closed the computer before he could come closer and see the messages. “…Well… What did you think I would have said?” He shrugged. “Lots of different stuff, really. A lot of the negative options based on how you reacted when I first asked you and how I reacted to that.” He gave a solemn, sheepish look towards the ground.

“…I’m sorry about that by the way… A lot of the stuff I said was really out of line and you had every right to tell me to shut up. It’s one thing to let you know that I knew and what I did was another thing entirely.” Cuz you’re fucking stupid… It was quiet for a long moment while we both thought of what to say, but I guess it was mostly on me…

“Um-“  
“I-“

“You first-“  
“Ah, sorry-“

We both stopped talking. Then both opened our mouths and then both closed them. It was quiet again for a moment. “…You can go first.” He offered. Great, throw me under the bus even more why don’t you? Ugh… “Um… I…” God damn it I wanted the message I sent to no.i- that was like a note card or something god damn it… Plus I was panicking and my brain was drawing blanks but then at the same time it made it worse because I felt pressured for an answer that I didn’t have yet and I just-

“Roxas, it’s okay. There’s no rush, take your time, okay?” He offered, turning to me and gently placing his hands over mine. I realized I should probably attempt to breathe… I let out a breath and worked on calming down… But I still felt pressured to reply and trying to calm down was only going to take time away from replying and I just… It was stupid logic, but it was my logic. I hated how my head worked.

I may as well just spit it out like an idiot and get it over with… There was nothing elegant or graceful about me and that was already a given… “I just… Regardless of what outcome I’d of ended up with, I still would have been upset over one thing or another, I’m just weird like that…  I’d either lose you or I’d be worried every single day you’d want to leave me… I’m really codependent to the point where it’s probably not healthy and I’m like walking garbage and I don’t understand how or why you’d want to put up with me because I know I’m a mess and I’m basically just waiting for the day when you decided you’re done with me and I’ll get to have a big depressing “I told you so” fest and I just-“  
“Roxas, you don’t need to cry, it’s okay.”

I stopped rambling and let his words register in my head. Crying… I was… Again? God I’m probably so dehydrated from all of this shit... He gently wiped the tears from my face and kissed my hair. “I don’t think you’re garbage or will even end up hating you. I know being with someone who’s emotionally distressed all the time is a lot of work, but I’ll be willing to deal with that. If you’re codependent that’s okay. I want to spoil you anyways.”

“No it’s- it’s not being spoiled…!” I interrupted. “It’s worse than that… Like I have panic attacks just think about lots of things because I’m like that with Sora and it really sucks because I don’t want to be like that but I always need him nearby or I freak…! Like if you were to have to go somewhere for a week or so without me and leave me all alone I’d-“  
“Make sure someone was staying with you. It’s why you talk about things like this with me, okay? I don’t want you to feel scared or alone or upset. You tell me what bothers you and I’ll do my best to accommodate you, okay? You just have to learn to talk to me- be open, alright? …I really wanna be with you. We don’t have to rush it- hell we can do what we’ve been doing only just change our label. There’s no point in going out with someone if they’re not basically your best friend.” He said with a laugh.

“…You… To me, you…” He chuckled and nodded. “Yes. You’re totally my best friend. I may also want to make out with you and take all your clothes off, but I also want to just wanna tell you stupid jokes that make you laugh and eat lots of shitty food while watching movies with you and all this other stupid shit. I want you to be happy first and foremost, okay?” I nodded, looking down into my lap. He took both of his hands to my cheek and made me look up at him.

“…I love you. Please don’t ever doubt that. I think I already asked you that, too.” He said with a laugh. “…I’m sorry… I don’t want to! I just… My head gets away from me and I just…!” He kissed my forehead. “It’s okay. I’ll go get it.” He offered, keeping my idiom. “I’ll remind you as many times as I need to in as many different ways as I can, alright?” I nodded into his hands and he kissed my forehead again. “…I love you. …Now come out with me for a late lunch-early dinner?”

I kind of felt incomplete. Like I didn’t really get to tell him all that I wanted to… But the conversation seemed pretty much over so… I left it and grabbed something to put on. “…You paying?” I asked, to which he scoffed. “Of course so long as you actually eat it. How about this- any food date I take you on, I’ll pay so long as you eat- that doesn’t mean you worm out of eating by paying.” …Damn it. But- wait “…Dates?”

“Yeah. Regardless if we’re actually dating right now or not, I’m still calling them that.” …This was an opening- a way to finish what I wanted to say but… I was still scared… “I… I like you… A lot… Shit, I already told you that before- but…! Not the point… Um… I…!”  
“…Roxas, will you go out with me?” I choked on air and words and flushed furiously. “…You… You can’t leave me…! You may as well marry me!” I spat like an idiot, not knowing a better example off of the top of my head. He looked at me with wide eyes for a moment, then started chuckling at me. “Alright, alright. I’ll marry my high school sweetheart. Come here.”

He took my hands in his and kissed each one of them, taking his time and being delicate with each one. He let go of my hands and took a ring off of one of his fingers and handed it to me. “There. Mary me.” The ring was silver with some kind of fake, dark, molten looking ruby on it with black flecks inside of it. “…You’re so fucking tacky.” I said with a hearty laugh. He hummed and pressed his forehead to mine, nodding in agreement. “I’ll buy you a better one eventually.” He offered, locking fingers with me. “…I’m holding you to that.” He hummed in reply, thumb grazing over my fingers, this stupid ring meaning so much to me already…

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

Dinner actually wasn’t a place close by. He asked mom if he could borrow her car, promising to bring her some food as well for bribery. She surprisingly let him, but she shot me a look that said “if your damn ferret makes a mess in my car…” to which I nodded furiously. It was an Italian place, quiet and even more so due to our corner table. The conversation wasn’t on anything important, but I felt better about a lot of things now.

He took me back, but made a detour for dessert at some cheap ice cream parlor. He bought me an excessive amount of soft ice cream I couldn’t finish and it was great. I don’t know how he managed dinner, all of his dessert, and then what was left of mine. “…I like knowing you eat. Makes me happy.” He admitted, tossing our containers while I was grateful for a lack of sticky fingers due to the excessive amount of napkins I had. “That doesn’t sound creepy. You’re totally planning to fatten me up so you can eat me, aren’t you?”

“Oh yes. Actually wanted to in the back of your mom’s car if I could help it.” He replied with a smirk. I smacked his check and he chuckled. “…But in all seriousness, I’m not going to try or ask anything like that from you. You’ll have to ask me- that way I know you’re comfortable with it.” I nibbled my bottom lips and looked down into my lap with a nod. That was fair… After all, I had stopped him last time, plus he promised to take it slow.

He drove us back, holding my hand as he did so. We got out and he grabbed the meal he promised mom, letting me take it and put it in the kitchen on the counter since it was still warm, tell her about it then leave the situation as was. If she wanted it, she’d eat it. If not, she’d put it in the fridge. If it was cold, I would have had to put it in the fridge. Axel followed me up to the room and sat on my floor while I face planted in my bed. It was a familiar feeling and I probably did it more than I should.

“It really is a small bed, isn’t it? You know I’m surprised you and your brother still share a room.” I turned my head to the side, actually letting it click in my head our age and the fact that that was still a thing. “…It is kinda weird, huh?” He chuckled in reply. That was a yes, but he didn’t want to admit it. “…We’ve shared this room since we were kids. I guess mom didn’t think about when we got older, or maybe thought we’d move by now. Either way, you can practically see where the room splits.” He raised an eyebrow, looking at my side, then looking at his. “…Really?” He asked, honestly not seeing all of the differences I saw.

I mean, I guess because he didn’t live here and everything was usually very orderly, it must have looked pretty similar to him. I pointed out some slight differences; my whored of music CDs, his sports equipment, the bookshelf that was all mine, his post cards he’d gotten from his friends, and so on. “…Well when you point all of it out, it’s really introverted and extroverted in the most stereotypical sense.”

“…You think so?” He nodded. “Yup. But I guess that’s kind of a given. You’re pretty quiet and he’s pretty- uh…”  
“You can say loud or obnoxious.”  
“Loud.” I chuckled. “I love him to death, though.” I said, looking at his bed and already missing him. It sucked being here without him… But I was glad he didn’t have to be stuck here with her. I had a huge blow out with Axel, but I basically got a boyfriend/future fiancé out of it, so I guess that was alright. Still… It was never said outright..

“…So, um… Because I can be stupid, and paranoid… You’re my boyfriend now… Right?” He looked up at me from the floor, waving me closer and I complied. He kissed more forehead and I closed my eyes. “…Yes. If you’re okay with that.” I nodded and kissed his forehead back. “…Okay.” He said with a nod. “Okay…” There was nothing new, nothing different or some spontaneous realization of anything.

Like he had said, our label had just changed. That was all. It was… More secure, I decided. Yes. More secure. More definite. The stupid flaming ferret on the floor was my boyfriend. …He was my boyfriend. I leaned over and grabbed my phone. I hadn’t touched it since mom called me. I sent a message, not expecting to get such a fast reply.

Sora: BS LIES PICS OR IT DIDN’T HAPPEN

I rolled my eyes.

Roxas: How do you expect a picture of a relationship, dumbass?

Sora: I DON’T KNOW JUST DO SOMETHING, GO!

Roxas: You know, I didn’t do this to you when you were dating Riku.

Sora: Well just because we’re twins doesn’t mean we have to do the same thing ;)

Roxas: …Don’t send me that damn face, it’s really gay looking.

Sora: You’re really gay looking

Roxas: Well then that makes you gay looking too considering

Sora: We’re fraternal, not identical

Roxas: Bet you 20 bucks I was the unplanned one

Sora: omg lol

I felt arms tug me to the floor and I complied, helping him out while I kept messaging Sora. “Bragging?” Axel asked me, settling me onto his lap, to which I nodded. “Yup. Also I probably just got twenty bucks.” Axel snorted. “That’s wonderful.” I kept messaging back and forth with Sora for a while before he decided he was going to sleep so he could get up early with Kairi tomorrow and do more stuff. I let him go and tossed my phone up onto my bed.

“…Done?” I nodded and relaxed into his chest. “…You’re comfortable.” I mumbled. “…Gonna go to sleep?” I shrugged. I could. Even if it was on the floor and the lights were still on, he was comfortable and I felt safe. “…At least change first.” I shook my head and he chuckled, running his hands through my hair. “Come on, Sleeping Beauty.” He picked me up and put me on the edge of the bed. “…You like calling me princess names or something?” His lips crooked up into a smile on the right side of his face.

It was so stupid and cocky even but… I kissed the corner of his lip, glad he was still here and didn’t abandon me. …If he did, this would hurt so much more than it should have because he promised... Oh yeah. I should probably message no.i back later and tell them I’m at least an oath keeper.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Slips keyblade names into the fic. lol


	29. Childhood Classics

Chapter XXVII: Childhood Classics

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

When you forget something, where does the information go? It surely can’t just drip out of your nose like blood and it can’t clot like fat in an artery. So, where does it go? Where do the forgotten faces and names and events get put inside your head? Even then, if they “go” somewhere, is it possible to get them back? How so? Do I have to do a handstand, eat something specific, trigger it? What exactly is the trigger? What works on retrieving those important to me who I forgot? It’s not like I meant to do it…

So I should apologize, right…? But what for and who to and where? It’s not like I remember after all.

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

Monday was fun. I mean that with as much sarcasm as a Monday and all of its events after a vacation can entail. Sora had come back late Sunday so he just stayed at Kairi’s and would officially be home at the end of the day after classes. He brought me lots of junk food and a CD. He ranted and rambled during lunch about all the shopping he had done in the huge city that was Radiant Garden with Kairi, eventually stopping by their excessive mall, Hallow Bastion.

Apparently Kairi lived there for a bit as a kid, but has no memory of it because she was too little. He eventually stopped and remembered that I had went somewhere as well. “Oh- crap lunch is almost over…! Do you wanna tell me how it was when we get home?” He asked, practically waiting for the bell to ring he was bouncing around so much. I couldn’t tell if he just wanted to tell me more in the small time that remained or if he just didn’t want me to have to quick tell him within the two or so minutes we had left. “Yeah that’s okay. It wasn’t anything particularly interesting anyways.” I added casually. The last thing I needed was him knowing I went home because of mom- he’d be _pissed_.

Axel’s thumb ran over my fingers. We had been holding hands for the entirety of lunch, our arms hidden between and behind us. We also apparently did a good enough job because not a single person point out that we were both right handed and Axel was using his left. Still, that could have been just me though. Maybe they just had the common decency not to. Still, I was glad it wasn’t mentioned. Lunch ended and Sora was up and bounding off with his best friends while Axel lingered behind with me.

I quietly packed up and he helped and waited for me, tossing out the remnants of the roasted vegetable hodgepodge (some kind of onion, carrots, potatoes, radish, asparagus, parsley, and chives) with strawberries on the side. There was some kind of meat but I ended up giving all of it to Sora- which he was quick to keep taking, much to my personal benefit. However, Axel kept shooting me looks that I had opted to ignore or shrink away from. I was eating the majority of it, alright? And if anything, I feel fucking bloated, so shut up…

Not like he said anything, but… “…Lunch was good.” I said for good measure, which made him snort. “Yeah, the parts that you ate. Sora took all the prosciutto and Kairi kept stealing strawberries.” I looked up at him like a kid with a guilty conscience who kept trying to deny it. “…I ate all the vegetables by myself…” I grumbled. “I feel fucking pregnant right now, okay? That was a lot of food.” He shot me a look that questioned if I was serious or not. “…What?” He sighed, looking tired with a twinge of annoyance. “You really…” He grumbled, but dropped it and started walking me to my class. “It was!”

“Yeah, for you I guess. That was a normal amount if not a bit smaller than it should have been because I know you give half of it to your brother anyways.” I rolled my eyes as my classroom came into view. “Well if you don’t like it so much, tell them.  I’ve seen you be a dick- why shy away from it when it comes to Sora and his friends?” He didn’t reply and we came to my classroom. He mused my hair and left, the tension lingering slightly, but it was quick to dissipate.

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

When I was getting dropped off for work again, Sora asked me to steal him some food. “Please, please, please?” He asked, bouncing from the back seat. “…Just come in and buy some, jeeze…” I grumbled, slouching in my seat. “Meanie.” He stuck his tongue out at me and mom chuckled. “Well why not? Let’s go in and have something to eat.” She offered. Sora lit up like a Christmas tree. “Really?!” Mom pulled in and turned off the car. “Why not?” Great… Gotta love Mondays…

I walked in ahead of them, some part of myself wanting to distance myself from the pair who were there for leisure and me who was there to run around like a nut. When I came in, Naminé was playing hostess again and greeted them and gave me a big, wide smile. “Hiya.” I gave her a curt wave and her smile seemed to get warmer if at all possible. “…Huh. Hey, Roxas?” Sora asked, tugging me back. “Yeah, what’s up?” I have to clock in, don’t make me late…

“Doesn’t she look a bit like Kairi?” Sora asked me, staring her over. “…I don’t know, does she?” I asked, tugging my arm back and not really caring. “I-I’m sorry?” She asked, blinking a bit confused. “Yeah, my best friend, Kairi! She’s got shoulder length red hair, big blue eyes like yours- your noses kinda look similar too!” Naminé’s eyes just studied him for a while, her smile completely gone. “Um… I’m sorry, I don’t… You… You don’t know… I… I’m sorry…” Her mouth looked like it was trying to catch up with her brain and expression. It slowly just kept dropping and then she looked like she was going to cry. “…Vanille! Can you come here please?” I called, the volume of my voice surprising even me. She was out within moments from the back, a wide smile on her face while she greeted my brother and mother, not skipping a beat while I took Naminé by the hand into the back.

I sat her down and crouched in front of her, still holding onto her hands. “What’s wrong?” Her mouth gingerly trembled while searching for words that failed her. She put her fingers over her mouth and shook her head. “I… I thought… He doesn’t… You two don’t remember me?” She finally managed to ask me, looking completely hurt. “…Huh?” Remember her? What was she talking about? “…You really don’t? You don’t remember me? We used to play together all the time- it’s why I was so friendly right off the bat mostly, I thought you remembered…”

She looked like she was going to cry. “…You don’t? Um, you and Sora used to go to this beach with a nearby park and forest a lot with Riku and Kairi and I- Destiny Island? You didn’t go as often as he did, though.” I shook my head slightly. I don’t remember anything like that… She kept trying however. “Sora, Kairi, and Riku used to go swimming a lot or play with the other kids there. You’d like to go off on your own and explore- you found this cave one time and then Sora found it with Kairi and drew all over it and then you got really upset and never went back but you also never told him. You liked to hang out on the swings and Sora would pretend to have sword fights?” Nothing. I slowly shook my head, feeling terrible. She didn’t seem to be making this up, however… “…You… You really don’t…? Do you think he…?”

“…I’m sorry…” I apologized, feeling bad for not remembering someone who I apparently used to play with. “Ah… Er, no, I… I’m sorry… I should have realized…” She dropped her gaze, nibbling her bottom lip and clutching her own fingers. “I’m sorry… Forget I said anything…”

“Naminé- don’t look like that, I’m sorry… If you want we could ask hi-” She quickly cut me off, shaking her head. “N-No that’s okay. I’d much rather not bother with it if it’s only going to hurt. He didn’t seem to and genuinely seemed to not know who I was…” I studied her for a moment, noticing how she pulled into herself. “…You sure? He might.” I offered. “I know I’m just really bad with those kinds of things is all. I can’t even tell you what I had for lunch today.” I offered with a chuckle. She forced a smile, but didn’t say anything more. “…Come on, give it a shot- what’s it really going to hurt?”

“My feelings.” She said quickly, making me feel like shit. “…Right. Sorry…” She shook her head and laughed a little. “It’s alright. Just not memorable, enough.” She stood up and brushed herself off and headed for the front to resume her job. “…Naminé.” I called after her before she had completely slipped out of the doorway. “Hm?” She stopped short, lingering. “I um… _We_ kind of… We had a really shitty childhood. So I guess we’ve both just tried so hard to forget all of those crummy memories from when we were kids that things and people and places that we actually cared about got mixed in too… But, if it’s any consolation, I won’t forget you.” I offered sincerely looking up at her.

“Least not again.” I said with a laugh, trying to lighten the mood. She took a step back into the room, closing the door a bit. “…Promise?” She asked, her eyes sparking. I walked over and offered my pinky to her. “Swear it.” She chuckled, looking at my finger, but locked hers with mine, and smiled. “…I’m holding you to that.” I nodded as she released my finger. “Okay.”

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

“…You know I still talk with Riku?” Naminé said as she wiped down a table with me. “Huh? Of course you still talk to me! Wait- did I do something?!” Rikku said from across the room. Vanille had went home already and Rikku was just about to leave. She giggled and shook her head. “Ah, no, sorry. Someone with the same name- it’s spelled different though.” Rikku sighed, relived she hadn’t messed up a friendship. “Oh yeah?” She nodded, a smile easing onto her features.

“Yeah. He’s really nice to me and talks to me pretty often even if we don’t physically see each other as much anymore.” Well that was nice of him. “What about Kairi.” She stiffened a bit, her smile dropping while she started on another table while Rikku bid us goodbye from the door in a chipper tone in Al Bhed. “…No.” It was curt and short, not divulging any details about their relationship. “…Don’t like her?” I offered. She looked over at me for a moment before not replying. “…It’s not her fault. She just…” She shook her head, sighing. “…We’re related, you know.” Really? Well I guess if she was related to Marluxia and he had hair like that and Kairi had hers, it didn’t seem _that_ ridiculous.

“…Huh.” Was all I could manage. “Mmhmm… It’s terrible- being related to someone like her… She’s so… She’s so stinkin’ perfect.” Naminé grumbled, scrubbing harder than she needed to at a spot on the table, putting all of her effort into it. “It’s so hard to compare to that all of the time and I just… I just…!” Her voice raised in pitch and she threw the rag onto the table and took deep, shaky breaths. “…I’m sorry… I just… I just get so frustrated…!”

“…It’s okay. I know what you mean…” I mumbled, drying my own table. “I mean, she has a totally different part of the family- a totally different life than I do! And just because we used to hang out as kids, people liked to compare us a lot! And then they never stopped! I _hate_ having to go anywhere where any part of my family is aside from Marluxia because it’s always “Naminé you’re so quiet- you should be more outgoing than Kairi” or “Naminé you’re still making those little doodles? Why don’t you go out and do something- I’m sure Kairi would love to take you somewhere” and there’s so many little different variations and I just-!” She smacked her hands over her mouth. “I… I’m so sorry I didn’t mean to-“

“Hey Roxas? You don’t really have that many friends do you? Why don’t you try being more like your brother.” I said, looking out of the window. “He’s so quiet- I don’t understand when his brother is so bright and talkative.” Her shoulder’s relaxed as she listened to me. “You _still_ playing those kinds of songs on the piano? Why not play something chipper for once? I’m sure Sora can give you some inspiration. Ha ha ha.” I said in a monotone laugh. “…Don’t be sorry. Vent if you need to okay? I know the feeling… So I won’t mind listening.” Her eyes were wide and she looked like she was going to cry again.

She abandoned cleaning the table and approached me, clinging to my shirt. “…Thank you…” I smiled and patted her head. “No problem. Don’t keep it all in there by yourself okay- you’ll explode. I’d know- it’s gross and messy and sometimes there’s blooooooood.” I drone, making her chuckle. “…You ever get the whole “do better in school” or the-“  
“Join some after school club?” She cut me off with a raised eyebrow. “All the time. How about the “why don’t you ever go anywhere”-“  
“But then they complain or act like it’s some huge shock or make a big to-do over when you _do_ go out?” Her eyes were excessively wide in agreement and she nodded so hard I got a headache just looking at her. I snickered, glad I wasn’t the only one who got treated like that.

I mean not that I _wanted_ her to get treated like crap- I was just glad I had someone who I could bitch to about the same thing. We went on like that for a while, adding or finding out other little things that we both could have easily gotten compared about to our counterpart but didn’t. By the time we were finished, Marluxia had to honestly tell us we _really_ needed to go. It was wicked late already.  
“Really?” Naminé asked, glancing up at the clock. “Oh my gosh, it is!” She said with a laugh. “Roxas why were you out so late at work? Don’t you know this costs me gas- and I’m sooo tired…!” She droned, imitating my mother. “Naminé why don’t you have a job? Oh now you do? Why aren’t the hours _normal_? But if you don’t have this job you’re lazy, by the way.” I replied to her, elbow resting on the table while I pointed at her. We both snorted and rolled our eyes. It had gotten to the point where it was less annoying and more fucking ridiculously funny to us.

“Having fun?” Marluxia asked, grabbing his coat and bag. “Extremely. We should have our own TV show.” I said with a snort. “I agree- but then we’ll get lectured about not having as good a rating as other TV shows.” She giggled and nodded, already seeing it. I stood up stretched and she followed. “Roxas I’ll just drive you back, no big deal. Come on.” Marluxia said, heading for the door. “Alright lemme just text my manic mother.” I said sarcastically, making Naminé suppress a laugh.

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

“…Hey Sora?” I asked, getting his attention as we walked home. “Hm?” He tipped his head, a light smile on his features. “…You don’t remember Naminé?” I asked after a moment of hesitation, debating on dropping the topic. “Huh? Who’s that?”  
“The girl at my job who you kept comparing to Kairi. She used to play with us when we were kids.” He sheepishly shook his head. “No… Should I- oh man I didn’t make her cry when he pulled her away did I?! Oh my gosh I’m so sorry- please tell her I’m sorry! Uh, let’s see, Naminé, Naminé, um-”

“Sora.” He stopped, looking completely guilt ridden. “…It’s okay. I just wanted to know. She was pretty quiet, so it’s understandable. I didn’t remember her either. She mentioned you and Kairi found this cave or something and drew in it?” Sora’s eyes grew wide and then warmly nostalgic. “Yeah… We did. She knows that? …Man, now I feel _really_ bad…” I shrugged. “She also said she still talks to Riku.”

“Really?” He asked, looking surprised. “I wonder why we never kept in contact then… I’ll have to ask him!” He decided. “…I feel like it’s just best to leave it though. She seemed kind of upset and no need to tear off the band aid if it just got put on.” I offered. “I mean that’s all on you though if you really want to try to talk to her again or whatever.”

“I do! I feel really bad for forgetting! So I want to talk to her again! I mean, if she’s anything like Kairi like I thoug-“

“ ** _Don’t_**. Don’t do that. Do **_not_** compare her to Kairi. Don’t you dare.” I snapped, getting angry with him. I just… I just got angry with Sora. That… I _never_ did that. “Ah, er… I-I’m sorry…” I noticed him move away from me slightly. I sighed, running my hands through my hair. “…I’m not gonna freak… Sorry…” I grumbled. The rest of our walk home was odd and quiet, but it gave me time to think. Sora was my precious brother. I never got angry with him. I don’t understand. I mean normally I’d just feel awkward about telling him or avoid it entirely, but I quickly snapped about it and told him.

…She was important to me. Naminé was an important friend to me. I adored her and didn’t want to see her hurt. I wanted to spare her as many hurt feelings as I could. That’s what I decided. Sora was nice but he was kind of naive sometimes. She would never be able to tell him that made her uncomfortable like she told me. So I got angry. …Huh. I found myself laughing.

“Uh, did I miss something?” Sora asked, just looking for an excuse to talk to me like normal as quickly as possible. “Ah- no, nothing. I just think it’s weird- how many friends I’ve got. I’m starting to wonder if I’m getting more than you.” I said with a laugh that was a bit harder than I had meant for it to be. What a riot- _me_! With more friends than _Sora_! I couldn’t help it and just kept laughing about it, eventually having to stop walking I was laughing so hard.

Marluxia, Naminé, Vanille, Rikku, Axel, Demyx, Larxene, Olette, No.i,… There were more. I know there was. Those were just the immediate ones. The one’s I’d probably punch someone over if they talked shit about. Those were people who were precious to me that… That I wasn’t required or requested or was stuck in some kind of mandatory to be affectionate towards. I loved them. All of them. And it was really funny to me. When had I become so social? So overprotective of anyone aside from my brother? When? And _why_?

Sure, one lead me to talk to the other to the other… Is that how it worked? Would I be stuck with more friends? Oh man I don’t know if I could handle that… But then again, I don’t think not too long ago I would have been able to handle as many of them as I have now and I was managing just fine. “Um, Roxas?” Sora gently put a hand on my shoulder. It was great! It was so funny! I was glad… So very glad I had all of them. My obscene, cross-dressing, hyperactive, rude, talkative, mysterious, protective, kind, considerate, entertaining, precious friends.

I grabbed Sora by both of his arms and managed to calm my chuckling down. “Sora… Sora I have fucking friends- who _does_ that?” I buried my face in his shoulder and kept trying to calm down. “Uh… Do you need to sit down or…?” I pulled away and shook my head. “No I just… I’m not _social_ , Sora. Where the hell did all of these assholes even _come_ from? Like they all just decide to pop out of the woodworks this year like the fuck? Pftahahaha! Like what the hell! Jeezus when did I get so attached to all of them, huh?” When did he stop being my entire reason for breathing? Not like I could ask him that, but… But if we were to both leave…

I think I’d be okay now. I’d be alright. I wouldn’t break. I have people to take my mind off of it, to relate to , who I adore with all of my being. So very much… So this was… This was a big deal for me. I pulled out my phone and dialed a number, Sora keeping a worried eye on me. “Axel? Yeah hi I love you. …What- no! I am not- what the fuck I gotta be on drugs to be affectionate now? …This was _not_ random!”

“YES IT WAS, HE’S BROKEN COME GET HIM!” Sora yelled. “Shut up, Sora!”  
“HE JUST STARTED LAUGHING AND GETTING ALL INNER PHILOSOPHICAL!”  
“I bet you don’t even know what the fuck that mean- Sora- off my phone!”  
“COME GET YOUR BOYFRIEND HE LOST HIS MIND! COME HELP ME FIND IT!”  
“SORA!”  
“HE’S NUTS! COME FIX HIM! WE’RE WALKING HOME! WE’RE ON HEART AND NIGHT!”  
“GOD DAMN IT, SORA- GET. OFF!"

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Awwww, look at Roxas being all… Not-Roxas. Lol Also, also!  
> …TheygonfricksoonSHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.


	30. Passion that is Simple and Clean

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You're welcome

Chapter XXVIII: Passion that is Simple and Clean

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

Charming. Darling. Alluring. Chaste. Precious. Affectionate. I don't understand the concept for words like this. Love isn't something that allows itself to be quantified or qualified, yet it has so many different applications and yet it is so contradictorily vague. It is abundant and absent and overwhelming and minimal and… And I don't understand.

…Am I greedy if I want more of it? Or do I just have a lack thereof and need to compensate?

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

pulled out my phone and dialed a number, Sora keeping a worried eye on me. "Axel? Yeah hi I love you." There was a long pause. "…Did someone slip you a micky or something?" He asked breaking the silence. "…What- no! I am not- what the fuck I gotta be on drugs to be affectionate now?" I asked, getting angry and a bit flustered. "I'm sorry, it was just really random to me is all." I furrowed my brow. "…This was  _not_ random!"

"YES IT WAS, HE'S BROKEN COME GET HIM!" Sora yelled in an attempt to get Axel to hear him. "Shut up, Sora!" I retorted over my shoulder, shooting him a brief glare, but nothing too serious. "HE JUST STARTED LAUGHING AND GETTING ALL INNER PHILOSOPHICAL!" Phili- wrong word for the situation, moron… "I bet you don't even know what the fuck that mean- Sora- off my phone!" He had tried to grab it in an attempt to talk to Axel. "COME GET YOUR BOYFRIEND HE LOST HIS MIND! COME HELP ME FIND IT!" Okay that part may have been true, but that was looooong before any of this. "SORA!"

"HE'S NUTS! COME FIX HIM! WE'RE WALKING HOME! WE'RE ON HEART AND NIGHT!" He screamed practically into my ear while observing decently far off street signs. "GOD DAMN IT, SORA- GET. OFF!" There was a chuckle from the other end of the phone. "Okay, okay. You two brats just wait there and I'll be around in a bit. Also Roxas?" I shrugged Sora off while he still tried to cling to my shoulder. "Yeah?" I asked, sounding annoyed.

"…Love you too."

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

Sure enough, he was there within decent time, Sora waving to him while I was texting with a sour expression. "Hi! Okay we need a plan to fix my brother, your boyfriend. He's totally snapped." I rolled my eyes and didn't look up from my phone. "Have not…"

Roxas: It's like they're trying to plan an intervention on me or something because I started laughing  
No.i: That's actually really funny I'm kind of upset I'm not there to see it  
Roxas: Well if you feel like teleporting to my current location using the beams from my cell phone…  
No.i: lol I wish! I'd of done that a long time ago!

"He's been texting since he called you with that look on his face. Doesn't he look like he just ate something gross or something?" Sora offered. I shot him a glare. "And before he was laughing?" …I could honestly feel a bipolar joke coming on. I could. I was gonna fucking- "Think maybe he's sleep deprived?" Axel offered. "Come on, let's go nap." He offered, slinging his arm around my neck. I snapped my phone shut so he couldn't see my messages and looked up at him. "…Probably."

I shrugged and wiggled away from him, getting in the back seat of his car and stretching out. "…He's lost it. Told ya. He usually fights you, doesn't he?" Axel nodded, but headed for the car regardless. He drove us home and I texted no.i the entire time, getting interrogated by Sora about who it was. I gave him all number of answers- even the truth if not worded so it sounded like I was lying- but he rejected them all. We eventually got home and Sora bounded out of the car. "Hey." Axel grabbed for me out of his window, catching my fingers. "Hm?" I turned to him, stopping my attempt to go inside.

"…Love you. Eat something later, okay?" I looked at him and rolled my eyes. "It's not like that. I…" I sighed, trying to think of how to word it. I decided to pull away from him and sit in the passenger seat. "It's not like I'm doing it on purpose or anything." I started after a moment of silence with the quiet hum of his music from the car speakers. "It's just like sometimes I'm not hungry so I just won't or forget to eat. And other times I will and it'll either make me feel sick or bloated so I just don't want to or feel like I can't eat again."

"…And that sounds normal to you?" I shrugged. "Doesn't exactly sound like an eating disorder if you ask me." I offered. It was true. I mean I did it all the time, but I didn't exactly think it was a problem. Sure I left out about the part where mom would send me up without food, but I was used to that and typically got stolen scraps from Sora afterwards. "…That's because in school they make you think an eating disorder involves puking or binge eating." He said bitterly.

"…So you think I'm sick in that way too?" I asked with a scoff. "Or should I say  _fucked_?" I asked with narrow eyes, directing them at him. "Roxas…" I was pissed but didn't have anything to interrupt him with and I didn't feel like fighting again so I didn't leave. "…No amount of sorry's is going to fix that, but I'll still say it if you want me to." He offered. "…Do you think I'm sick?" I asked seriously as I turned to him, honestly wanting his opinion. I stared at him for a moment, his expression mute.

"…Yes. I do. Even if I still didn't know about the meds, I do believe you're sick in more ways than one." Yet he still- he grabbed my hand and kissed my fingers. "…You haven't taken the ring off since I gave it to you, don't lie." I snaked my hand away, hiding it behind my other. "…You're still doubting me, right? Why I want to be with you? I don't have some kind of martyr fetish or whatever if you start thinking that. I just like you and I like you enough to put up with all of your bullshit so long as you'll put up with mine."

I was quiet, not knowing how to reply properly to that. "…Let me steal you early for breakfast tomorrow?" He asked, leaning over a bit with a hushed tone. "…How early?" I caught myself leaning a bit closer as well. "…Six?" He offered. "…That's really early." I grumbled, pulling away a bit. He caught my hand and pressed his forehead to mine. "Yeah, but it'll be worth it and you can go back to sleep in the car. I'll make you whatever you'd like." He offered as bribery. "…Mmm… Make me pancakes?" I decided, realizing I hadn't had any in a while and I did like them. He smiled and tucked a piece of hair behind my ear. "As many as you're willing to eat." He concluded.

The lingering closeness was getting to me… I didn't want to move. It was comfortable being like this with him, even if it was just right outside of my house. "…I love you." I couldn't help but smile. "I know- you're making me pancakes." I said, a wide smile easing onto my face. After all, it was said in many different ways, wasn't it? He chuckled and kissed my forehead. "Text me?" I got out of the car and shut the door. "Never." I said, crouching down so I was level with the open car window. "You little shit." He hissed with a smirk and yanked me by my shirt collar and pulled me half into the car so he could kiss me.

My mom could be watching this… My  _mom_ could be  _watching this_. Wait no we got home earlier than we usually do and her car isn't in the drive. …Was my leg up right now? No I swear that was because of lack of balance…! This was so nice… Sora's gonna snark at me when I go back inside for taking as long as I did out here… Whatever. I threaded both of my hands into his hair, intending to mess it up while he nipped at my bottom lip, but kept it to general kissing aside from that. "Nm… I gotta… Mm… I gotta go- hmmm~" I managed between kisses. "Get good rest- mm- so I can- …mmmpick you up tomorrow…. Nnnkay?" I nodded, pulling myself away and he followed until he couldn't lean over anymore.

I chuckled and pressed the back of my fingers to my mouth. "Bye." I said with a laugh while I went inside, swinging my bag. Sora was lingering in the doorway, a smirk on his features. "…Can I help you, hedgehog~?" I asked while removing my shoes. "…You totally made out with him just now." He said, a cocky smirk on his face. "If you're gonna get squeamish over me kissing what's mine then I have  _no_ idea how you plan to do anything with Riku." I retorted with a smirk. "Wha- I'm not squeamish!" He retorted, tossing his shoes aside to follow after me. "Jealous then?"

"Wha- nuh-uh!" I turned around sharply, Sora almost running into me. "Does the bro want some kisses? Missing Riku? Awww, come here~!" I said, puckering my lips in an obnoxious manner. "Ew, no! Second hand affection from a red hea- oh my god he stole your soul, no wonder you've been weird!" Oh good lord… He was ridiculous, sometimes. Wasn't he friends with a red head too? What was her name? Something with an a… Whatever.

"SORA'S LONELY!" I yelled, tacking him to the floor. "Gyahg! ROXAS! YOU FAT ASS, GET OFF!"  
"I'M NOT FAT, I'M ACTUALLY PROBABLY UNDERWEIGHT HOW DOES THAT EVEN WORK IN YOUR HEAD?!"  
"BUT YOU'RE HEAVYYYYYY!"  
"NO, NOW I'M GONNA SIT HERE TILL MOM GET'S HOME!"  
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"  
"YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSS!"  
"JERK!"  
"BABY!"

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

Being ready for school before six was asking a lot of me. But, regardless, I did it. I put my clothes on like a big boy and brushed my hair and teeth, then sat at the kitchen table till my phone rang. Sora came out of our room and yawned loudly. "…Why'a up so early…?" He asked groggily. "…Mmmbreakfast…" I grumbled, waving my phone at him. "See you at school." I said waving goodbye as I left, my only motivation the fact that I could go back to sleep. I don't know how anyone ever did it… I got in the back of Axel's car and promptly resumed my sleep.

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

He woke me up once we were at his house, telling me I just had to come inside and I could go back to sleep- again. I was quick to take him up on the offer, clinging to his shirt like a toddler so I wouldn't run into anything or fall over. He guided me to the couch while he worked on getting breakfast started. "Just pancakes? You don't want anything else?" He asked just to clarify. "Mm-mm… Jus' pancakes…" I grumbled, already half asleep again.

I was woken for a third time when breakfast was done, Axel guiding me to the kitchen. "Good morning, sleepy-head." I shook my head and buried it into his side. "…No…" I grumbled simply. He chuckled and fixed my hair. "Come on, time to eat." He kissed my forehead and sat me at the table. The pancakes were all different, each having a different kind of fruit or nut in them. They were made so you could tell, yet they still were cooked till they were a golden color. The sneaky bastard was still trying to get me to eat my vitamins and junk. There were also two different smoothies, two apiece for the both of us.

"…You feed me like I'm dying." I pointed out, grabbing for a pancake with kiwi in it. "I feed you like I love you." He corrected, grabbing for one with a walnut and another with peaches. I grunted and took to eating my pancake plain in spite of all of the honey, syrup, cinnamon, whip cream, and jams he had out nearby. "…You don't want any?" He asked, double checking. "No, I'm okay. I like them plain anyway and these taste even better than the normal ones." Syrup just seemed to drown the taste of the pancake out for me, plain or otherwise.

We ate in a comfortable silence with the occasional comment. I ate one with almond and cinnamon in it, and then half of one more with raspberries- and whip cream that Axel added onto the last piece I ate. "You full?" He asked, looking at my now untouched half of a raspberry pancake. I had finished one smoothie, and half of the other one. "Mmhmm. It was really good." He smiled, glad I enjoyed it. There was so much left over… "…Can I have some for lunch?"

"No, you can't just eat pancakes all day." He lectured as he started picking up. "Why the hell not?" I asked sourly, debating if I was really going to try to hide the rest of the raspberry pancake somewhere and magically get him to not notice. "Because it'll spoil your appetite- plus you won't get as much nutrients from just pancakes. You need a variety of- don't you mock me! What are you, five?!"

"Yes! And I want pancakes for lunch too! If you were gonna make so many, the least you can do is let me eat them if I want them!" He retorted, standing up from my chair with my fists clenched at my sides. "You…  _Spoiled_ … Little…" He took harsh steps towards me as he spoke, the plates abandoned in the sink now. There was harsh tension and as his nose touched mine, but it wasn't violent. "…You gonna keep hovering or are you gonna kiss me?" I eventually asked and he was quick to comply with my wishes.

He picked me up and set me on the table, making his downward kisses upwards now. "Good morning, I'm glad you liked the food." He quickly spilled out before kissing me again. I locked my legs around him so he couldn't try to wiggle away to lecture me again. Just stay right here like this with me you stupid jerk… Just love me, just like this. I liked this… So much…

I liked how warm his fingers felt on the back of my neck, how I had to lean down ever so slightly because I was on the counter, how I had to press back a bit harshly so I wouldn't get knocked over,… I liked this so much. It was so private and intimate… And I enjoyed it. …Until his fingers brushed my ribs. I hissed and leaned away, my mouth pulling off of his. He quickly stopped, fingers hovering over my side and removed from the base of my neck. His eyes studied mine, the intensity quickly causing me to look away.

"I… I'm oka- no-  _don't_ …!" He had quickly tugged up my shirt to inspect my side, seeing a large, blooming discolored bruise there. My fingers dug into his arm, trying to push it down while my legs tried to push him away. "…Don't…" I choked out again. Don't look, I'm gross… After sitting like that for a moment, the air thick with unspoken words, I eventually had lightened my grip. He used that to quickly lean down and hoover over my ribs. "Wha-what are you-" My breath hitched in my throat as he kissed the discolored and hurt part of my skin.

"…I love you. Very much. Even this part of you. I'll kiss you as many times as I need to in order to prove that." He did it again, causing me to jump slightly, eventually adjusting to the slight twinge of pain the kisses give me from the bruising. He didn't bother to ask me what it was from. He just kissed it over and over and over until I was sure another bruise would form on top of it. "…Axel… Stop…?" I asked, gently pushing him away by his shoulder. "…S'it hurt?"

"…A bit." He was quick to stop but quick to also assail my mouth. I found myself getting pushed back a bit, his fingers that had been on my neck now on my lower back and keeping me from falling into anything that had been left on the table. I was at an odd arch and he was hovering over me slightly… "…Don't go to school." He said, pulling away. "Wha- you're kidding me… Did you intend to do that from the start?" I asked, pushing him away a bit so I could sit up better. "…No. I don't want to go now, though." He quickly resumed attacking me with kisses, this time working on my neck.

"Are you kidding me- my mom'll kill me!" He shrugged. "Not if she doesn't find out." I rolled my eyes and pushed him away. "Oh yeah- because that'll work out swell when the automated telephone call happens." I reminded. They tended to call all main contact information for the parents and tell them if their kid hadn't went to school. "…Not if we call in with an excuse right now." He offer, looking up at me since he had trailed down to my collarbone. "They're not gonna believe us." I reminded. We were just students after all. "…Watch me." He replied, a cocky smirk forming on his lips. He pulled away and pulled out his phone.

He made up some excuse about how he had come to get me and I was puking, but my mom was already at work. He was going to take me to the doctor's office and tell my mom. They bought it- so long as they got a doctor's note later… "Great. Fucking great I'm skipping school right now- I'm fucking… Axel I'm gonna puke for real." He chuckled and mused my hair. "Good. Play it all out." He had finished cleaning up the food in the kitchen while talking on the phone. "No- seriously that's not okay how could you do that?!" I asked, completely mortified. He chuckled and stole me off of the counter and dragged me to the couch.

"Axel- no-  _I'm serious_!" I hissed. "…What? You just need a note is all. I got you, you're fine." I was skipping school… I was  _skipping school and my stupid boyfriend found it funny and just kept kissing my neck and **SON OF A BITCH THIS IS NOT OKAY**_. "…Roxas? Hey- hey, breathe… It's okay. You seriously this worried about i-"

"YES! My mom's gonna  _fucking **kill me**_!" My voice was shrill and I was horrified. "Okay- okay. It's okay." He stroked my hair and pulled out his phone again, dialing another number. "This is your mom, right? This number?" I nodded, curious as to what he was doing. He dialed it and I knew I was gonna die. I think I blacked out for a little bit, I swear. I felt like I was really gonna puke and my eyes kept threatening to roll back into my head and my mom was gonna fucking kill me oh my god I am dead I am…

"…Yeah and he just kind of puked everywhere. …No, no it's okay. I'll just take care of him, it's alright. Oh no I already called because he was worried. They just said they wanted a note? I'm sure if you called through that would be just as fine. …Yeah, no it's okay. …Mmhmm… Mmhm… Yup. Okay, I will. …Yup. Okay, bye." He gently kissed me on my forehead.

"Roxas… Roxas you're okay. Shhh…" He gently took my hands in his, running his thumbs along my knuckles. "…I'm gonna puke." I pushed him off and ran for the sink, the bathroom not close enough. He was up and quickly by my side, rubbing my back. "Roxas it's okay, calm down, relax… I just talked to her-"

"And  _totally_ lieEUGH…!" If she found out she was gonna have my ass on a platter…! She was gonna…! She was…! Axel ran his hands through my hair, but it was also a partial attempt to get it out of my face. "Just relax, it's okay… Besides, it's not like I'm lying  _now_ , is it…" he grumble while I yacked all over his dishes. Oh god she was gonna kill me and he was gonna be pissed and I… I…

I couldn't hold myself up anymore and slowly sunk to the floor. "Wha- hey, woah, okay! I got you…!" Axel quickly wrapped his arms around me and sunk to the floor with me. "Shhh… Relax. Don't stress so much." He kept running his hands through my hair and I practically whimpered. …Okay so not practically so much as completely and utterly, but that was aside from the point. "Roxas, relax… I'm right here, relax…" He did this for a good twenty minutes before I stopped shaking and the feeling in my stomach kept threatening to make me dry heave.

"…You feel a bit better?" I nodded slightly. "Well I didn't mean to actually make you feel sick, lovey…" He said with a chuckle, trying out a pet name. "…I will kill you, don't ever call me that again." He chuckled again and kissed my hair. "Well I see you're officially feeling a bit better."

"Yeah, no thanks to  _you_. Come over, Roxas. It's just breakfast,  _Roxas_!" I yelled, my voice getting shrill. "Alright, alright. I'm sorry, relax…" He kept planting light kisses on my head and running his fingers through my hair. "…Don't stress yourself out so much." I took another few minutes on the floor, trying to calm down. It mostly ended with me wanting to punch him but being too exasperated to actually do so. So, I just ended up resting against his back. "…You feel better?" He asked, mouth pressed to my head. "…No…" I grumbled. "…I'm tired…" I wined, turning around and wrapping my arms around his neck. He chuckled and picked me up and took me back to the couch.

"Wanna sleep?" I nodded into his shoulder, feeling exasperated. "…What do you wanna eat when you get up?" I almost answered with "pancakes", but the taste of them mixed with stomach acid so soon made me feel sick again, so I just didn't answer, even if it was to be snarky. He let me not reply, probably deciding upon something in his head while I quickly fell asleep.

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

When I woke up, it was getting dark outside. I shot up, instantly panicking. Shit, shit, shit…! I tossed the blanket off of myself and quickly ran to… Find Axel? My phone? Leave? "Hey, woah! Relax there!" Axel quickly caught me mid run into the kitchen. "Hey, hey…! It's alright, hey, what's the rush?" He held me close and ran his hands through my hair while I grumbled into his chest about my mom going to kill me because it was so late. "Yeah, it's okay. She stopped by earlier with some of your things. You were still passed out and I faked you having the sweats before she came over to make you look even more sick. You're fine, I'm a professional liar." He said with a chuckle.

"…And you're telling this to your paranoid fuck of a boyfriend because…?" I asked, an eyebrow raised. He laughed again, pressing his nose to mine. "Mmmm, doesn't matter, I got to hear you call yourself my boyfriend." …Shit. It just slipped, it… Oh fucking hell… "…Hungry?" He asked, pulling away. I shook my head. "No. I still feel kinda sick actually." I admitted. He raised an eyebrow. "…What, really?" I nodded.

"…Alright. Well when you're feeling better let me know and I'll give you something light to eat, alright?" I nodded, kind of feeling a bit smothered by the whole food thing. I preferred it when he was subtle about it. His kind of affection was like smoke. Small little bits could remind you of a burning fire in the middle of winter while mass amounts could quickly kill you. "But yeah, your bag is by the front door, you can put it in my room or the guest room, living room, I don't care, which ever you want. You have two sets of clothes, toothbrush, whole nine yards of other shit she felt the need to tell me she put in there- including your you-know-whats."

…My meds. Great. I rummaged through the bag mom had brought me, finding some other meds in there as well for nausea, sleep, and fevers. Great. I sighed and left the bag at the door, hunting down Axel again and pressing my forehead to his back. He was in the kitchen working on something, a mass of papers all over the island. "…You liiiiiiied…" I groaned with lack of something else to say. He chuckled and turned around, kissing my forehead. "Sure did. Now you're stuck here too. How's that make you feel?"

"…Like I'm gonna get murdered." He snorted and rolled his eyes, but kissed my forehead again. "Roxyyyyy~" He cooed my name, turning around to face me and hugged me close to his chest. He showered me in kisses, pulling me up until I was kneeling on his lap- that had to be uncomfortable for him. "…Or molested." I decided, realizing that was the more viable option. He hummed in reply, chuckling. "So long as you say yes." He reminded, running his hands up and down my sides.

Without meaning to, I shuddered and fussed immediately in order to attempt to cover it up. He still noticed though, laughing a bit at me. "Feel good?" I buried my face in his collar bone. "Shut up…" He did it again and I rolled my shoulders in an attempt to wiggle away, eventually getting me in a sitting position on his lap my legs on either side of his. He just kept at it, thumbs going up each of my ribs while avoiding my bruise while his fingers went down my back, and then then switched with his thumb going down and his fingers going up. He did this for a while, me constantly fussing in discomfort.

"…Want me to stop?" He asked quietly close to my ear. I nodded furiously the moment he asked. "…Okay." And he did. I felt the heat in my face and tried to calm my breathing down. It was only him running his hands along my sides… I don't understand why it had just bothered me so much… Was it the situation- the location? The proximity? All of it? He turned back around with me still on his lap and went back to working on whatever the papers on the island entailed. For some reason, I was overly observant of how my breathing made my chest rise and swell, then shrink and deflate.

It was quiet minus my heart in my ears and the shuffling of papers on occasion. Once I was calm, I quickly got bored. "…What are you working on?" I asked, looking over my shoulder. "Homework. But I feel like I'm working more on distracting myself from it." I couldn't hold back my laugh completely, but it was silent for the most part, just escaping slightly through my nose. "…Well then don't do it." I said, not being any help- in terms of the homework. I wrapped my arms around his neck, hands hanging loosely while wanting him to pay attention to me again.

"…You're terrible and so am I for being so weak." I smirked, pursing my lips to keep the all too big smile from showing on my face. "You going to take responsibility for my undone homework?" He asked, pressing his nose lightly to mine. I snorted. "Fuck no." He was quiet for a moment, then shrugged. "Fair enough." He tipped his head slightly, kissing me with a peck like he was a bird. He did it again and I reciprocated it, and this went on for a few more times until he just didn't pull away.

He wrapped his arm around my lower back and pulled me close but kept me at an arch like last time we were making out, so I was leaned over the island a bit. And just like last time, one hand at the base of my neck again, but this time kneading gently. The sound of his tongue in my mouth could be heard it was so quiet, the heat from the breath from his nose being felt on my face. I pulled away just long enough to say, "Bet you I still taste like puke- you've done that before too. You're so gross." Before he snorted and quickly closed the gap.

This was odd in a way that was nothing but enjoyment. There was nothing I could use as an excuse to pull away or make me feel uncomfortable. Nothing to come in and interrupt… It was private and ridiculously intimate. I couldn't stop the noise that had bubbled up from my throat from escaping. It was airy and slight, but it was still there and it embarrassed the hell out of me. I caught myself doing it again and I felt his hand that was on my back grab at my hip. It felt like my heart was going to shatter my ribs and my lungs were going to suddenly pop like balloons. Everything in my chest felt so tight and swollen and… And this felt so nice.  
It was the same feeling I got when I was anxious, but it was different. It was exciting. It was the feeling you get right before you get on a ride you've been waiting in line all day for at an amusement park. It's the feeling of seeing your favorite band live. It's the feeling of knowing in a few hours you're going to have boxes upon boxes of shit to open under a dead tree covered in lights.

…It was like that, but specifically for you. It was a ride just for you, the music being played just for you, the boxes all with your name on them… I caught myself clinging to him, fingers gripping his hair, hips raising off of him when he'd grab at me. He pulled away, asking in an airy tone "Want me to stop?" To which I mashed my mouth with his and shook my head. No… Please don't. I like this, please don't stop. He kneaded at my hips, causing me to fuss and raise myself off of his lap, using the bars under the chair to hoover above him.

Again, I was kissing down at him, but I wasn't going to stop. …At least I didn't want to just yet. He spoke between kisses, my hands forcefully holding onto his cheeks. "Roxas- if I don't stop right now I'm not gonna." He warned, pulling at me slightly so I'd have to stop, if not just a little. "Mmm… That's okay…" Touch me, love me, kiss me, love me… "You sure?" He asked, kissing me with a bit more intent now. My mind felt the need to doubt and double check everything.

"…Actually… Mmm… Wait- wait." I kissed him a few more times, but it calmed down. "…I wanna shower." I felt gross. I mean I had showered last night, but that was hours ago. "…Okay. I also want you to eat just a little bit too, okay?" Again with that? "…Fine." He kissed me again, gently and lingering. "…Thank you. It's only got to be a little, you don't need to eat a four course meal or something, okay?" I nodded, kissing him again.

…We're gonna- wait… What word do I even use for this? Fuck sounds too vulgar, make love just makes me squeamish… Have sex? It was basic enough, but nothing was too connoted with it for me to think it was weird. So… I was gonna shower and eat and then we were gonna… We were… Oh fuck… He kissed me again and I got off, going to grab things from my bag- mostly my phone. I heard him picking up papers and the feeling in my chest wouldn't go away.  
"There's a blue bathrobe in there you can use if you want to." He called from the other room. I usually don't use them cuz I feel like an old man or whatever, but… I headed towards the bathroom without speaking a word. It was a kind of eagerness that filled the silence in the house. I pulled out my phone and quickly sent a message to Sora after I had shut the door. I spotted the robe and gave it a brief touch and holy fuck that was fluffy yeah I'm so wearing that.

Roxas: …Hey, quick question- you get it with Riku yet?

I started stripping and practically dove for the phone when it vibrated with a reply.

Sora: You mean like… Have sex with?  
Roxas: Yes  
Sora: …No…

I smirked and licked my lips, debating if I really wanted to send the message. …Fuck it, why not?

Roxas: Virgin baby.  
Sora: Oh please- like you aren't either!  
Roxas: Won't be sooooon ; )  
Sora: omg shut up  
Sora: SHUT UP OMG  
Roxas: No because apparently I'm verbal  
Sora: Eeeeewwwwwwwwwww! I didn't need that mental image!  
Roxas: Well now you got it, text you later!

I turned my phone off so I wouldn't want to reply if he sent one. All alone. With him downstairs. …Holy shit. Holy shit. Fuuuuuuuuuuuckkkk. … _We're_  gonna fuck oh my god holy shit… …I gotta stop sitting here and get in the damn shower.

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

He made us parfaits. Lots of fruit and yogurt and granola. It was really yummy and for a while when we were eating, I completely forgot about the anxious feeling in my stomach. We had our usually sassy banter that made me laugh and played footsies under the table like four year olds. He went and showed afterwards, telling me I could watch TV or something. I opted for still sitting at the island in the kitchen and ended up turning my phone back on to see if Sora had texted me again.

Sora: You're probably verbal cuz your bottom bitch  
Roxas: Oh and you're not?  
Sora: sthu  
Roxas: Maaaaa~ke meeeee~eee  
Sora: . . .  
Roxas: LOL  
Roxas: Least I can get in bed with him without being squeamish- don't lie, you get all embarrassed and junk  
Sora: So what! I've known him so long it's weird, kinda!  
Roxas: EXCUSES!  
Sora: So what do you want me to do- try to screw him while you two are getting it?  
Roxas: No. Don't fuck up my night by me knowing you're screwing your boyfriend at the same time I am. But it wouldn't kill you to make the first move if you really want to with him.  
Sora: Great, I'm getting sex advice from my younger brother  
Roxas: By ten minutes, shut the hell up!  
Sora: WHO'S ALSO BEEN WITH HIM FOR LESS TIME THAN I HAVE BEEN WITH RIKU  
Roxas: JEALOUS MUCH?!  
Sora: I'm gonna tell mom you weren't sick, you were just shitting around so you could fuck your boyfriend  
Roxas: Oh-ho~? Pissy much? You NEVER curse  
Sora: …Shut up…  
Roxas: Or maybe you wanna but big bitch baby can't get it up cuz you look twelve?  
Sora: If that's the case then your man is into little kids- or did you forget we're twins  
Roxas: Who aren't identical, so eat my entire ass  
Sora: Ew, no. You have Axel for that  
Roxas: mmhmmmm~  
Sora: Ew.  
Roxas: I could tell you to suck a dick, but I think that's not viable for you at this current time  
Sora: I'm gonna- look just because we haven't outright gotten it doesn't mean we don't mess around!  
Sora: …shit  
Roxas: AHAHAHAHAHAHA!  
Sora: SHUT UP!  
Roxas: I'M KEEPING THAT!  
Sora: DON'T YOU DATE  
Sora: *DARE

I felt Axel snip my phone from my hands. "Who ya texting?" He asked, looking though the messages. He was in a plain white t-shirt and some sweat pants. "Sora. Apparently he's blown Riku but they haven't fucked yet." Axel snorted. "Well we just skipped all that, didn't we?" I chuckled a bit, feeling giddy after teasing my brother and now having Axel in the same room as me. "Well he likes to mess around in general, so I guess it makes sense considering." I said shrugging. He closed my phone and put it on the island. "Alright, come here princess." He said, picking me up bridal style.

"…Normally I'd bitch but I think I'll let it slide this time." He chuckled, pressing his forehead to mine. "You know you don't let me call you things like "lovey" but you let me get away with "princess" mostly." …Shit he was right. …Whatever. I pulled is neck down and kissed him. "…I love you." He said, breaking the silence that was all throughout the house. "…I love you too." I watched as the words left my mouth it triggered a smile on his face in perfect succession. He carried me off to his room and gently put me on the edge of his bed.

He left the room for a moment and I waited, listening to him run around the house and probably lock doors and windows and turn off lights. He came back and sighed deeply, shutting the door behind him. "Alright, all locked up so now I don't have to get up until tomorrow." …Good. He approached me and kneeled by the edge of the bed and my stomach was trying to eat itself- lucky for me, the parfait from earlier was in the way.

He took my foot and kissed it, making me feel ridiculous because who the hell does that- jeezus I am nervous… He kissed up my leg, making it harder to breathe the farther up he got. "…If you want me to stop, just say so." He reminded. "…I could kick you in the chin right now. Don't make me." He chuckled and kissed right above my knee. "Okay, okay. Always so violent. Trying to tell me something?" He said, glancing up at me with a smirk. "Yes, totally." I said, rolling my eyes.

I hadn't noticed it in particular, but he had been calming me down by talking with me. I felt less anxious and more like I was just talking with him while being assailed with kisses in unusual places. "…You know you look really cute in this." He said, tugging at the blue bathrobe. "You even put anything on underneath this?" He asked with a chuckle. "Boxers." That was it, though… My face flushed after realizing something. "I-It's not like…! I didn't do it on purpose or because…! I…!"

He laughed at me and came up and showered me in kisses. "Roxas, you're okay. Don't be embarrassed, you're okay." My face was flushing furiously, I'm sure. He sat next to me on the edge of the bed, gently kissing me and running his hands up my sides. I fussed a bit, rolling my shoulders again. He pulled away and sat at the head of his bed, patting the spot between his legs. "Come here, gorgeous." I bit my bottom lip out of embarrassment but managed an "are you serious?" type of expression- at least I hope I did. Still, I complied and kneeled between his legs.

He smiled and gently pulled me down by my neck to kiss me. "I mean it, don't make that kind of face at me." He said with a laugh. "Well then don't call me stupid things." I retorted. "It's not stupid, I do think you're gorgeous. I'm pretty shallow, you know." He said with a laugh. Some part of me didn't doubt that for a damn minute, but then again I knew him better than that. Whether it was true or not didn't matter- he had only said it to make me believe him when he said he thought I was gorgeous.

"…You're stupid and I love you." I told him, pressing our noses together. "Mmhmm. I love you too." He held my hips with his hands, gently, and kissed me. "Sure you don't want me to stop? We can still just go to sleep if you want to." I shook my head, clutching slightly to his shirt. "I want to." He kissed me once… twice… four times. "…Alright." He turned on his side a bit, pulling me down onto the bed with him. "If you don't like anything or how it feels, tell me." I nodded. "I will."

I felt anxious… But it was a lot calmer now. It was mostly just anticipation for something that already had been set in motion, really. I was going to let him touch me and love me and it was going to be okay. He hovered over me a bit and kissed me several times, gently running his fingers through my hair. "Hmm… Roxas I love you so much… You really are gorgeous."

"Okay, you told me, I get it." He stopped and hovered over me, shaking his head. "…No. No you don't get it. I really mean that so very much. I want to learn how to spew words like a dictionary I want to be able to tell you in so many different ways. I adore you so much it hurts." He took my hand and held the palm of it to his chest, his heart throbbing so wildly I thought it would fall right out into my hand. It made my breath hitch a bit. He was usually so… Not this. He was funny, sometimes he'd get angry… But I don't think I've ever seen him be anxious like this before. I mean I would never have guessed that he…

"…You always triple check with me and seem so quick and willing to stand down. It kind of made me start to think without even realizing it that you may not have been as anxious as I was about this." I admitted, the realization washing over me. "You  _kidding_  me? It's so hard not to want to constantly kiss you or bend you over my damn kitchen table and spoil you rotten. I'm going to love you so much that it's going to hurt." He warned, kissing my adams apple. "I need you to know what it feels like to love you the way I do…" I don't know if he did it on purposes or not, but he spoke in a tone that was lower than usual and sent a chill down my spine.

He ran his fingers down my thighs and grabbed at my knees, lifting them up so they were propped up on the bed now, my feet resting on the blankets. He ran his fingers so lightly over the outside of my thighs and up to my hips and side and… I gasp, arching. He used that to run his fingers down my back, making sure not to touch my butt as he came back around and ran them down my legs again. He kissed at my jaw, his fingers grabbing at my knees and running inside of my thighs this time.

I felt like I was gonna die, so I clung to his back. Everything felt like it was being sparked like he was trying to start a fire anywhere he touched me. His fingers dipped into the bathrobe and underneath it to touch my stomach, his mouth constantly assailing my jaw and throat and collar bone and shoulders. He removed them and undid the bathrobe's tie. He ran his fingers between the each side and brushed them out of the way. He pulled back and stared me over with such an intense gaze that it was hard to hold still.

He leaned down and quickly kissed the bruise on my ribs again, fingers running up my sides and pushing the bath robe off of me. He gripped at my shoulders and kissed down my stomach, making me squirm while I tried to remember how to breathe. My knees were pressed together and accidentally caught his throat from kissing my stomach anymore. He laughed slightly, leaning up and kissing me on the mouth. His fingers on his left hand ran down my side again and the ones from his right hand gently rubbed circles into my knees.

"Open up for me, princess?" He asked gently, thumbs still running circles on my knees. "Shut up…" I grumbled at the nickname. He laughed at me, but I parted them slightly anyways. He swiftly dropped down and kissed my knees, making me feel like I was gonna melt. Apparently the melting feeling meant I was made into a rag doll because the kisses were quickly on the inside of my thighs as he worked his way between them. I gasped sharply at the feeling, having not really expected it since the kisses to my knees had made me zone out for a moment.

I heard him laugh, but it was quiet enough to make me doubt it. I sat up and smacked his head, but not enough so it really hurt. "Shut up." It made him laugh again and I felt the robe fall off of my shoulders. He apparently noticed it too because he shamelessly was looking me over like he was going to bite me. He tackled me to the bed, furiously kissing all over my face. "You're like some kind of wild animal when you're pissed, it's really funny." He said with a chuckle. Before I could retort, he had pressed his hips to mine and also was prying the robe off of me.

I moaned, a falsetto I didn't know I could make escaping me. I felt all the blood rush to two places, and I covered my flushing face with my hands. He chuckled again and kissed my fingers, but pressed against me again. Oh jeezus Christ I can't- he did it again, making me moan and melt, but it made me feel like a windup toy I was so tense. I quickly took to holding tightly to, practically clawing at, his back while he grinded his hips into mine. I bit my bottom lip in an attempt to shut myself up and buried my face in his shoulder. He pulled away, my fingers slipping from his back to his shoulders, to just resting close to him. He took his shirt off in one motion and took to kissing at my jaw again and letting me cling to him.

He wasn't anything spectacular. He wasn't muscled or overly thin or anything that stood out like that. He was average with no real defined lines to his body, and if average wasn't the sexiest thing to ever exist right now… I think I moaned in his ear by accident when he rutted against me again because the next time was harder and it made me dig my nails into his back, making him hiss a little. "Ease up on the nails, Roxy, okay?" I nodded into his shoulder while practically vibrating I was so hyped up on adrenaline, doing as he asked of me.

He trailed kisses down my chest and it made me a bit upset. I liked clinging to him and hiding in the crook between his shoulder and neck. He kissed down my sternum, and then my naval. He kept a gradual, but quick pace and he didn't seem like he was content with just my stomach. "D-Don-" My breathe was quickly caught and my protest melted into a moan while he kissed the growing bulge my boxers. My fingers were roughly locked in his hair while he did it again and sucked gently on the surface, causing me to practically hiss and then fizzle out of consciousness for a few seconds.

Everything felt like it was tingling but it was most apparent as it ran from my lower back straight down into my toes, which kept curling, my heels digging into the bed. His fingers kept grabbing at my hips and butt, making me squirm, but squirming kept making additional contact with his mouth to my crotch. It wasn't direct, but it was enough to send me into a tizzy. He pulled back with a contented hum, kissing up my torso again. His fingers were suddenly gone and then so were his pants and I couldn't help but glance down. …Oh.

…OH.

…The rest of him was average but that was slightly above. And that was just from my obscured view while it was still tucked in his boxers. "…If you keep staring like that your eyes will pop out of your skull, Roxy." I forced myself to look up at him. "Huh- what?" I honestly have no idea what he just said, I just know he was talking to me. He laughed at me, leaning down and kissing my mouth. "Cute." Cute? How was me staring at your dick so hard that I spaced cu-

He pressed his hips to mine again and there was  _so much_  less clothing. …Is that even grammatically correct? …You know what, it doesn't matter. My head was practically gone anyways, fuck grammar. He did it again, but pulled away from me before I could latch onto him again. Jerk, come back… He looked down at me and watched as he did it again, my hands quickly covering my face. His fingers went from my hips to my hands as he held them on either side of me. He did it again and I was trying so hard not to melt and moan right now. I felt my ring biting into both of our fingers... And it was the most comforting pain that I ever had the pleasure of being reminded of.

"…I have no idea how people get sexy, you look constipated trying to hold back." He said between laughs. I quickly busted out into laughter with him. Oh my god… That's so fucking embarrassing. I couldn't stop laughing and apparently neither could he. He ended up burying his face into my shoulder and just laughing and I did the same until my stomach hurt. "My fucking god that's so embarrassing." I finally managed. He pulled away and nodded, biting his lips so he wouldn't keep laughing just at the thought. "God damn, Roxas, I'm not into that, okay?" I started laughing again and he smiled widely, kissing me while I was mid laughter.

"This is so fucking stupid." I said with a laugh. "Jeezus Christ…!" He nodded, kissing my neck. "Oh god damn my stomach hurts." I said, taking deep breaths. "Same." He pulled away, still smiling and holding my hands. "Okay so I think rule number one is Roxas isn't allowed to hold back for fear of a really shitty mood kill." He said, seeing the opportunity to make a pun and taking it. "Oh my god…" I chuckled at his dumb ass joke while he just smiled ran his thumb along my fingers.

"No? Too soon?" I shook my head. It was fine. I leaned up to kiss him and he helped pull me up by my hands, greeting me with his mouth. "…You looked so fucking stupid." He said, still laughing at the memory. "I hate you." He let go of my hands and wrapped them around my lower back, locking his fingers. "I love you too." I guess this works though… He was good for making me laugh since he was never really serious about anything. He kissed me again, his hands back at my waist and thumbs brushing oh so close to my crotch.

"While I've got you talking… Do you want me to, dare I say, stop being silly and wrap my willy?" I pulled away, instantly laughing. "I'm gonna fucking-…! Aahahaha!" I buried my face in his shoulder and just kept laughing. Jeezus Christ my boyfriend was a fucking idiot. I'm stuck dating and screwing a moron. Oh my god… "No seriously. Cuz like I know you don't like messes or whatever and I'm sure you're not going to be to prone to having one in your ass."

"Oh so you instantly assume I'm bottom bitch?" I asked, with a raised eyebrow. "Yes. However I took you for a power bottom." Oh god damn it… I chuckled again, trying to stifle my laughter. "…Okay fine. That works, I guess." He pulled me back onto the bed, this time with him underneath me. "But seriously, do you want me to?" I thought about it for a moment and then quickly nodded. Wasn't much to think about, that was fucking gross. If it was like outside or something, that's a different story. But we're not telling that one tonight, so

He sat up and quickly pinned me to the bed, my legs doing this weird and overdramatic thing as they pulled out from under me, were in the air and then flopped on the bed. "Give me two seconds, gorgeous." He requested, quickly getting up and hunting for things in his closet. I sat up and watched him for a moment, taking note of his spine since that's what stood out the most to me. "You know this is the part where I make the smartass comment about that, but I don't think I'm gonna." He looked over his shoulder, an eyebrow raised.

"Really? You know that's the second time you passed up being a little shit to me. Maybe I should get you in the bedroom more often." I snorted and he came back with the two obvious essentials of sex. "Alright, come here." He said, crawling back on to the bed and tossing the bottle and wrapper somewhere else on the bed. He sat how he had the first time, having me kneel between his legs. He kissed my stomach, slouching a bit as well as making me raise myself up on my knees. He got lower and lower, a cauldron of fire and moths and rocks in my stomach as he did so.

He got to my boxers and tucked his fingers beneath the band, gently pulling them down and kissing lower and lower. I felt like I was going to burst into a million different little pieces. I practically almost dropped down completely I had become such mush. He chuckled at me and kissed my stomach. "Hold onto the head of bed, alright?" I nodded, still trying to keep my head on straight and keep it working.

My boxers got dropped down to my knees and he kissed me again, absolutely nothing in the way this time. I clutched the head of the bed so tightly I was sure my nails had taken some paint with it. His hands were grabbing at my butt while he kissed up and down my shaft, making me squirm. "Stop fussing so much." He said with a laugh as he kissed the head of it. "I ju… I'm sorry…" I squeaked out. He laughed at me, but didn't scold or berate me. "You're okay, Roxy. It's just hard to touch you when you keep wiggling." He kept at it, kissing and licking my cock while his hands grabbed and messaged my butt.

I kept making these little humming noises while he touched and tasted me, gasping and arching away and towards him all at the same time. I was gonna lose it… I rested my head against the wall, it being cool to the touch. I glanced down right before he used his tongue to guide my cock into his mouth. I gasped and everything stopped functioning for a moment. My brain eventually engaged the fail safety and rest, my breathe escaping in a long,  _loud_  moan. This one wasn't a falsetto or anything embarrassing. It was desperate and guttural and it actually sounded kind of…

He pulled his mouth back, but didn't come off of me, then swallowed me whole again. He kept doing this and I was practically liquid. My hands weren't even clenching the headboard anymore, they were just using it to keep me from dropping, my head still pressed against the wall. Somewhere in the back of my head I heard him open the small bottle he had tossed on the bed, but the majority of me didn't care and was thoroughly distracted. He kept taking long, hard sucks while pulling away from me, tongue constantly moving and rolling.

I was so gone that I didn't even bother trying to cover my mouth. It was this encasing heat that gave way to the temperature of the room that was cool compared to his mouth, just to have me get swallowed up again. Ahhh… It was like being eaten alive… Was that it? It didn't matter, I didn't want him to stop. I reached one hand down and grabbed at his hair, but numbly. I did it more or less just to do it since I couldn't form a real grip on anything given I felt like jelly. Al I could feel was that heat and the tingling in my toes- and the fingers that were now teasing the ring of muscle of my ass.

I was too embarrassed to let my brain process that, so I shut out the thought, but the feeling was still there. I felt it, even as he kept me distracted with blowing me. Why was it even called that anyways? Fucking stupid… I don't even care it felt great. I caught myself calling his name while my stomach was in knots. "Ah… Axel…" He pulled away and looked up at me. "Yeah?"

I groaned in protest and actually put some force to the grip in his hair. "Don't stooop…" I wined. He chuckled, but opened his mouth again. "Just calling my name then?" He asked quietly to more or less himself as he continued like I had asked. As he put his mouth back on my cock I felt him press a finger, actually really easily, into me. It felt wet and kind of grossed me out a little, but I'd get over it. He ran small little circles inside of me while he made his tongue mirror them and I felt hot inside where his fingers were. I was gonna lose my shit oh fuck…

"Nnnndon'tdothat…!" I spat, gasping and gripping his hair and the head of the bed. He stopped and pulled away. "Gonna cum?" He asked without batting an eyelash. I flushed furiously, but nodded. "…That's okay. I'll just get you to do it again." Cocky bastaahhnnn… He kept it up and I couldn't keep my mouth closed to save my life. It didn't even feel like I was making any noise. There was no vibration in my throat or at least it felt that way to me. He kept making circles, slow one, large ones, quick ones, small ones… I couldn't help it.

I gripped his hair really hard and gasped harder than I had meant to as he pressed a second finger inside of me that felt warmer than it should have almost immediately after I had started to cum. He had done that on purpose…! Stupid, cheeky bastard… I slumped against the headboard, gasping for air. I felt him kiss my stomach and it registered in my brain that he had probably just swallowed my spunk. Gross.

"…Please tell me you didn't swallow that." I asked, gasping for air. He tugged me down to kiss me and I could  _taste_ it. Humans were disgusting and salty. He pulled away, licking his lips and waggled his eyebrows at me. "…You're fucking grooaah!" I arched and my toes curled as he wiggled his fingers. "Says the one who let me put it in my mouth in the first place. Besides, you're the one who wanted a shower, so you're clean." He insisted, kissing my stomach and spreading his fingers inside of me. I felt everything clench up and anything ranging from my stomach down to my crotch get set on fire in one fell swoop.

"Don't clench up like that or it could hurt. Just relax, okay?" He asked, lowering me down a bit so I was eyelevel with him. He removed his fingers and I wasn't exactly sure how I felt about that. It was a lack of contact, but it was in an odd place… He switched us so I was the one on the shit ton of pillows this pretentious asshole had on his bed while he was hovering over me again. He removed my boxers completely and dropped them off of the side of the bed. He took my hand in the one he hadn't put any lubricant on and kissed my fingertips. "Please be mindful of your nails. We may have to cut these if you keep scratching like that." Did I do that when I was tugging at his hair? …Opps.

"…Sorry…" I mumbled. He just smiled and kissed my lips instead. "Don't be sorry, just be mindful, alright?" I nodded and he kissed me again, gently before touching inside of me again. He slid his tongue in my mouth the same way he was with his fingers and the parallels were gonna drive me up a wall. The first one was fine, the second one slid in just as easy but it hurt just a little bit. "Breathe." He reminded me softly before he kissed me again, but didn't put his tongue in my mouth. I inhaled through my nose, biting at my bottom lip while he kept running his fingers over the inside of me.

It felt so odd… You'd think after liking him I'd try to masturbate like this at least once or something. Nope. Not I. …But not that I'd ever tell him that he was the first to do something like that to me, either. It'd go right to his head. I squeaked when he pressed a third finger inside and I didn't know if it was out of pain or some kind of odd pleasure or both. "…You okay?" I nodded, face feeling hot all along my nose and cheeks. He kissed all along that area, so I think he saw it well enough even in the dark. That or he just knew I was embarrassed enough to flush like that.

He gently kept pressing against my walls, pushing the boundaries how much he could stretch me before I gripped at him. It felt so weird and kinda made me feel just a little sick in all honesty, but it was distinctly warm where he had touched me. Still, I wasn't exactly going to stop him just yet. He twisted his fingers and slid them in and out all at once, making me squirm. I nibbled my bottom lip again and opted to pull him closer so I could hide in his shoulder again. He let me while gently stroking my hair with his free hand and kept touching me, occasionally getting a gasp or moan out of me depending on how he moved his fingers.

"…You doing okay?" He asked me quietly by my ear while pushing the three of them in and out of me with ease now. I nodded, but it sounded more or less like me humming. He smiled and kissed my earlobe. "Think you're okay if I try now?" I shrunk into myself, but nodded. "You sure?" I tugged him closer and nodded. "Please…" He removed his fingers while I actually felt the absence of the intrusion. It made me clench up a bit since I wasn't used to it.

I watched him while nibbling my lips as he officially took off his boxers. I caught myself rubbing my knees together absentmindedly while staring at him. He looked over at me and chuckled. "You're so cute." We're having sex and he calls me cute, great. …Then again, considering what happened earlier, this was just fine I guess. "Well you manage to pull off sexy pretty well considering how fucking stupid you can be." I returned. He shot me a wide grin.

I watched as he squeezed an extensive amount of lubricant out of the bottle and into his hand. He rubbed his fingers to his palm to even it out a bit and looked up at me and caught me staring. He shot me a wink and it made me glance away. "…Just so you know and don't get the idea that I'm truly that magical, the lube I'm using is a bit different than regular ones." I looked over at him while he used his teeth to tear the wrapper off of the condom. "…Huh?"

"I'm a spoiled little rich brat who can buy the fancy stuff if I feel like it." I was still confused and apparently he knew it. He just chuckled at me and kissed my forehead. "Feel warm?" I nodded and he handed me the bottle. "Read it." He took to putting the condom on and using what was left on his hand to lube it up while I held the bottle closer to the window. It wasn't  _completely_ dark out yet, just late.

…Huh. It was one of those ones that made you feel warm or whatever. That's why. I felt him gently take the bottle from me and shower my lips in light kisses. "You sure you good to go?" He asked, wanting me to reaffirm once more. "…If you ask me one more time I'm gonna offer you a blow job and then  _bite_ the damn thing off so I can use it myself."

"…Woooaaahhh... That's kind of, um…" I rolled my eyes and pulled him in for a kiss. "…Yes, I'm good to go. Now please touch me." He blinked and then smiled in a coy kind of way. "…Alright." He gently kissed me on the lips and locked his hand with mine, making me feel the bite of the ring on my finger. He was doing that on purpose… And I adored him for it. He kissed at my jaw and neck again, using his other hand to gently rub at my thighs. …Welp, see you later V-card, was nice knowing you.

He gently poised himself at my entrance, then pressed into me, the heat from him and his stupid spoiled-boy lube making me gasp and moan without any restraint. It most definitely felt different than his fingers; it as longer, uniform… I clenched his hand and clung to his back, knowing damn well he was going to end up with nail bites and scratch marks from me. I felt like I had no air in my body and could black out. "Roxas, breathe, babe." Great, more stupid fucking pet names… But oxygen sounded nice. I did as he told me and took voluntary steps for an involuntary action.

He ran his free hand through my hair and showered me in kisses. "Breathe…" He reminded, my hips and lower back feeling like they were removed from the rest of my body and being compressed. "…Roxas." He gently called my name and I hummed a pained noise in response. "…You okay?" I nodded, replying in a higher pitched hum than before. He kept running his fingers though my hair and tried to calm me down.

Jeezus Christ this hurt… It wasn't like "god fucking damn it someone stabbed me in the gut" or whatever but it wasn't exactly "this paper cut stings" either… It was different. It was uncomfortable yet makes you feel like you were lacking or empty if it were to suddenly go away…  
When I could see straight, I started kissing him in little pecks. "…Feeling a bit better?" I nodded. "You sure?" …Alright, which snarky reply do I want to go with this time? Oh I got one. "…I have what I'm assuming is about a six inch dick up my ass, it's no stick but I think I'll live." He snorted and buried his face in my shoulder. "I love you." He chuckled. "…I love you too…" I mumbled.

He removed himself from inside almost completely of me and I instantly felt the loss of contact and the residual warmth. He gently pressed back inside, slowly and it caused me to groaned and shiver. It didn't hurt as much as the first time had, but it still was an odd intrusion. He pulled out and did it once more and kept it up until I was tugging at him to come back. He used that as a queue to speed up a bit and it made me moan and my hips and legs wouldn't stop quivering and my toes kept curling.

I wrapped them tightly around his back in an attempt to get them to stop shaking. I noticed his breath got a bit more ragged when I clung to him and started moaning more. The noises were also embarrassing. You never really, ironically, hear much about the noises that come with sex. It's wet and repetitive and kind of gross really. You hear about moaning and whatever, but never the noises your body makes. You don't get to hear much about the slapping of skin or the blood rushing through your ears. You hear about the bed or the vocal parts of it… But not that.

It was interesting to me, so my ears ended up concentrating on that and Axel's breathing. It was harsh and I was wondering if his blood was as loud as mine was in his ears or if he was listening to me and our bodies instead. I looked at him for a moment, shoulders working in rhythm of his hips, the way his chest rose and fell when he was breathing, how his hair was messed up and brushed back from me tugging at it, how he was starting to sweat,…

…Jeezus Christ my boyfriend was really hot. I smiled to myself and pulled him closer, burying my face in his shoulder and grateful for the closeness. I loved him. So very much… So I stopped trying to bite at my lips to keep from moaning for him. After all, he seemed to like it or at the very least take it as a sign that  _I_  liked it. I gasped exceptionally loud in his ear and I swear I felt his back muscles tense under my fingers right before he pushed in harder than he had been.

"Doing that on purpose…" He grunted, sounding a bit strained. I hummed in reply and nibbled at his ear. "But you like when I do that." I accused, taking a shaky breath in and moaning into his ear. He harshly pushed in and it caused me to reflexively moan and louder the ones I had been teasing him with. He raised an eyebrow at me and cocked a grin at me. Fucking jerk…

He did it again and I moaned again, so I went back to biting my lips while he kept trying to elicit noises from me. So much for not holding back any… "I'm not gonna tell you to not do that… Cuz you clench when you do and it feels great." He teased in my ear, rocking hard into me so hard I was arching practically off of the bed. Fucking jerk, fucking jeRK, FUckINg jErK, FUCKINg jerK, fuuuuckING JerkKk…

Jeezus Christ if anyone were to hear me they'd think I was being paid or something I was so loud. I started to not be able to keep my lips bitten anymore without hurting myself and the noises were mostly vowel sounds since I was losing brain cells getting fucked this hard. They were probably all going south and dribbling out onto my stomach right now. That's what cum is, surprise, surprise. Don't let anyone lie to you.

I kept running my fingers the length of his back, clawing at him and I  _swear_ it was motivating him to keep going as hard as he was. It didn't register in my brain till just now but he was groaning as well. …And a lot. His breath was heavy and he wasn't exactly being shy about it either. "Mmmaahh… Ah… Axel… Unnmm…" I was gonna black out if this kept up. I either need to cum or pass out or both I was losing my shit I swear to god. I swear to god… Mmmy god… FucKING- "Axel…! Ah-AxEL!"

I felt my entire body surge up and clench. I dug my heels and my nails into him, clinging to him so desperately hard I was shaking while being so dizzy I was going crossed and seeing stars. I had to close my eyes it was so bad and he  _diDN't_  stOp. Oh fuck he kept going for a few more moments before he shuddered so hard I practically felt all of his cells vibrate and he called my name in a way no one else was ever allowed to. It was deep and desperate and needy and…

I panted and lost all feeling in all of my limbs and had to remember how to breathe. It was so hard remembering how to breathe. I felt him pull out of me and plant himself face first on the bed next to me. I chuckled a bit at him. "…My dick feels so gross right now but I can't fucking move anything but my jaw…" He groaned into the pillows. It made me laugh harder than I should have. I reached over for his hand and held it and he found strength to turn and look at me and hold it.

"…Gimmie like… Five minutes… Then I'll be able to move." He grumbled while sounded completely exasperated, face half still in the pillow. I chuckled at him and leaned over and kissed him, then didn't move back to where I was before. "…I have never fucked anything that hard before in my life…" He grumbled. "…You've had sex?" It wasn't exactly like it should shock me or anything, but it still kind of did.

"Er… Yeah…" He admitted, not being able to look at me as he said it. "Some girl when I was in away. I don't even remember her name I just did it to get it out of the way, mostly." There wasn't exactly any big reaction to that really I guess. It's not like he had a girlfriend or something dramatic like that.

So just an, "…Oh." was all I could manage. "…I didn't upset you just now, did I?" He asked, sitting up on his arms and looking worried. "Axel you're my boyfriend who just screw the hell out of me and everything feels so sore I like I did a triathlon and you're worried if I give a shit if you fucked some girl you don't even know the name of?" He bust out into laughter. "Yeah, I guess that does seem kind of stupid. But I never know with you, so I gotta be sure. You keep me on my toes." He said with a warm smile. He leaned over and kissed my forehead.

"Good. I like my ballerina bitches fit." He laughed at my shitty joke and sat up, took off the condom that… That… I couldn't stop laughing. "It's like jizz filled bubblegum." I managed between laughter, sharing my thoughts with him. The stupid little bloated, slimy looking yellow thing in his hands looked like bubblegum. He snickered and tossed it in the garbage, bidding goodbye to his sperm. He pulled back the covers and then plopped back down on the bed, humming and pulling me close.

"…Hi." He said simply. I looked up at him, his narrow green eyes looking down at me. I kissed his chin. "…Hi." Was the only reply I could think of so I went with it. "…I love you. Very much." He said after realizing neither of us had much to say now. "…I love you too, very much." I said. He smiled, humming contently and kissed me on the lips. "…Good night, Roxas." He kissed my forehead and I felt warmer than that weird lube he bought all throughout my body. "…Good night, Axel."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: You all waited like 30 chapters for this shit, I am so happy for all of you who are still here and love you all very much! Also I can’t stand when people comment without accounts because I want to be able to reply to all of you and thank you all so very much!!!
> 
> And yes, Roxas has a shitty flip phone, leave him alone. lol


	31. Blood Wounds Aren't Flesh Wounds

Chapter XXIX: Blood Wounds Aren’t Flesh Wounds

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

What’s it like to miss someone after they’re gone? I don’t remember much if anything at all about my dad. My family tries to stay away from my mom or she pushed them away, so there’s that. I never really had many friends aside from the ones I’m making now. So because there weren’t that many people in my life, I never had to worry about not seeing anyone ever again or anyone dying. So I can’t tell you what it’s like to lose someone dear to you. I can’t tell you what that pain is like at all. I’m sure it’s terrible, but… I could never relate. I’m sure there’s a similar feeling that will randomly decide for no reason nor rhyme that comes in spurts of the worst kind of agony. I’m sure. But it’s not exactly the same and I could never tell you.

…I’m sorry for making you feel this way, Sora. I’m sorry you had to lose me. But… At least you’re only losing a distant fragment of nobody important.

…This is where the memories end.

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

I woke up and felt gross. Don’t let anyone lie to you. If you have really, _really_ good sex you feel like shit afterwards. I felt sore and like I was gonna potentially puke and like I needed to shit. I felt so fucking gross… But was really comfortable and didn’t want to move. Besides, it was one of those “maybe it’s just because I’m sitting still and once I move it’ll probably go away but I don’t want to confirm it” kind of feelings. So I just laid there with Axel running his fingers gently up and down my back.

“…Good afternoon.” He said with a slight chuckle as he leaned down to kiss me. “…Shut up, you didn’t get up either. You’re still ass naked.” I grumbled, turning over on my back. “Well I couldn’t just leave you alone. …You know you drool in your sleep?” I grabbed the pillow out from under my head and smacked him with it. “Shut up.”

He chuckled at me but pulled the pillow away from his face. “I’m sure you do weird shit in your sleep to- it’s probably why you go to sleep after me and get up before me. Fucking weirdo.” I grumbled, staring at the ceiling. “…What you’re not gonna hit me again?” He asked after a moment. I looked back over at him, confused. “Huh?” He raised an eyebrow, a slight upturn of his lips that looked like it was going to give way to a sneer. “Still that sleepy? I was mocking you, I don’t know how you didn’t see it.” He said with a laugh.

“…Oh. I, um… I can’t see well out of my right eye cuz of something that happened as a kid.” His expression dropped and he looked a little shocked. “Really?” I nodded, feeling a bit embarrassed about it. “…S’why I don’t have a permit or anything. Can’t drive even if I wanted to.” He just stared at me for a moment, then leaned down and kissed above my right eye. “Well I’ll just cart you around.” He said with a shrug. …I really love how sometimes he just took things I said in stride. He didn’t make a big deal out of them if they weren’t. …That was really important to me.

We talked for about a good half hour before I decided I wanted to get up (albeit go to the bathroom mostly) and he offered to make me breakfast again. “Surprise me. You’re good at that anyways.”  I said, dragging the blanket with me into the bathroom.

I did my business (and tried to make it quick because doing that in someone else’s house was embarrassing as hell) and then there was no problem- till I got in front of the mirror. “…GOD FUCKING DAMN IT AXEL!” I yelled, barreling down the stairs, the blanket tripping me up. He looked over his shoulder at me, sweat pants and t-shirt on. “What?” He asked, trying not to laugh at me almost falling. “LOOK AT THIS SHIT!” I hissed, pointing to the multitude of red, pink, and purple marks all along my jaw and down to my shoulder on my left side. He rolled his eyes. “Oh please.” He turned his back to me and pulled his shirt up. He was _covered_ in scratch marks. Some were just welts while others had actually broken the skin.

“…AT LEAST YOU CAN HIDE THOSE!” I retorted. He could. I couldn’t. “…Well now you can have a new connotation for bruises.” He offered, kissing me harshly and all over my neck again. “…No- you stupid jerk…” I grumbled while he backed me into a wall, still kissing and nipping and leaving more marks all over my neck. He kept at it, kissing and nipping and biting lightly at my skin and even though I was pissed I couldn’t exactly shove him away…

“…I’ll buy you some scarves or something, it’s still a bit cold out anyways.” He offered, then resumed assailing me. I almost told him if he bought me make up I could deal with it myself, but I didn’t need him taking jabs at me over that. I sighed and lightly held onto the back of his shirt. “…I’m sorry I scratched you.” I grumbled. He chuckled and kissed me once more with a bit more force on my neck and then pulled away. “It’s okay. We just gotta clip your nails is all.” He took my fingers and kissed each one of them before turning around and resuming making us something to eat.

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

…I felt spoiled. Like, _really_ spoiled. He had taken me out (while I wore a turtleneck because fuck to the no) and bought me so many scarves that I could practically drown in them and was now giving me what was practically a manicure and then offered to do my feet just because. It was so weird and I wasn’t used to it at all. But there he was. Sitting on the floor and taking care of my fingers while I sat on his couch. I was quiet and probably kept fussing with my legs a lot, but I tried really hard to be still for him.

He chuckled at me though. It wasn’t anything cold or condescending. It was warm and so was the expression on his face. “…You’re like a little kid.” …I was instantly reminded of the text Sora sent me and had everything I could do not to go reeling and go die in a hole somewhere. I just didn’t reply and let him finish with my nails.

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

When I got home it was well after dinner, but mom had insisted since I had “imposed” on Axel for a day already. She honestly believed I was sick and I kind of felt bad for lying, but not really. I got upstairs, I pulled every single last one of the scarves we had smuggled into my bag out and put them away in such an orderly manner that even mom couldn’t be pissed at the new items in my closet. I took to taking off the one I was wearing so I could go back to bed when I heard Sora fall off of his bed. I quickly looked over at him, wondering what the fuck he had done.

He was staring at me with wide eyes and a hand smacked over his mouth. “…I’m sorry I was just trying not to yell.” He finally managed. “…You are _covered_ in hickies, oh my god…” He said and started laughing. I rolled my eyes and put the scarf away, but smiled to myself a bit. “…You think that’s bad, you should see what I did to his back.” I said in more of a prideful tone than I had meant to. “…Sooooo?” He asked, crawling over and sitting in front of my bed. “…So what?” I asked, raising an eyebrow at him. “How was it?!” He asked, practically bouncing on the floor.

I thought to myself for a moment, so many different things I could tell him and so many others I didn’t want to. “…It was fucking stupid.” I said and laughed to myself while Sora looked a bit confused. I sat down on my bed, the smile not going away. “Sora, if Riku doesn’t make you feel like you’re going to fizzle out of existence for a wide range of reasons, then he fucked up. I have never felt so comfortable in my entire life than I did yesterday.” I admitted to him. He looked up at me like a little kid getting told the best story of their lives. “…Really?”

I nodded. “He’s _your_ best friend, so I’m sure you’ll get it eventually or whatever.” I offered. He looked down at his feet and went to tugging at a part of our rug. “…I don’t know… I mean it feels good when we mess around, but it’s kind of awkward…” He confessed. “…Really? Why?” I asked, sliding down onto the floor and sitting next to him. He turned to me so he could face me a bit better.  
“I mean like… Isn’t sex supposed to be serious or whatever…?” He asked, getting squeamish. I shrugged. “Fuck if I know. It can be a god damn circus act if you want it to be so long as you’re enjoying it, really. Yeah, we tore each other up, but we also laughed more than they tell you people do. You could be so worried about making it this big wondrous thing like they make it out to be in the movies that you’re clamming up. That’s not like you.” I messed with his hair and gave him a wide smile.

“Yeah, but… I mean… Wasn’t it for you?” I snorted, thinking about how Axel told me I look like I needed to shit. “Jeezus Christ, no oh my god…” I couldn’t help but laugh and I had to cover my entire face. I flopped over sideways and just laughed into the rug for a minute. “Fucking _god_ no. Oh jeezus, no… There was nothing serious about us having sex. We trash talked and tore each other up and I felt sick in the morning and it was great.”

“…This is why people think you’re older…” He grumbled while I tried to recover from laughing. “…We may not have been friends as long as you and Riku have, but we feel just as comfortable around each other the same way you two do- if not more considering.” I said, giving him a cocky smile. “…I think you should talk with him about it.”

 “Huh? B-But that’s so embarrassing…!” I snorted, watching him practically turn into a wide-eyed fish he was gaping so hard. “…Sora. You’ve been grabbing at his junk among other stuff probably and you’re worried about the _talking_ being embarrassing?” I questioned with a raised eyebrow. “YES!” He replied, his face bright cherry red and his voice shrill. I shushed him and paused, listening for mom. Nothing. We’re still okay.

“Well there you go! If you’re too embarrassed to talk to him, you’re going to be embarrassed about the rest of it. If you have to fucking talk in code or something, do it. Just talk to him. He’s your damn boyfriend, Sora.” I said, going to stand up. “B-But…!” He clung to my shirt, not wanting me to get up. I sat back down, his face still bright red. “I just… What am I supposed to talk about?” I shrugged. “I don’t know. Whatever you want I guess. Make him laugh if you need to. Make him call you stupid. If you really honestly can’t talk to him because you’re so nervous, ask him to talk to you. Axel talked shit, mostly- but he got me to reply. You’re not talking so you’re not comfortable- or at least that’s basically what you’re telling me. You’re really social Sora, so that kind of surprises me that you’re not talking to him.”

I got up again, this time without him clinging to me and got into bed. “…Night.” I reminded, snapping him out of his own head. “Ah- er, right sorry… Night…” He got up and went over to his bed, then walked back over to mine. “…Roxas?” I grunted a reply. “…Thank you.” He mumbled. “Ew, don’t get all musy, just go to bed.” I said with a chuckle. “No, I mean it!” He replied, sitting himself on my bed. I kicked at him, wanting him to go away. “Yes, I get it now go to bed.” I complained, still kicking at him. “Augh…! But, stop _kicking me_ …!” He hissed and swatted at my feet. “Then get off of my bed, bitch baby…!” I grumbled and kept kicking at him while he kept smacking at me and there ended up being a small war before bed.

I so won.

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

Summer was here before I knew it. I have no idea where all those days went… I had bullshitted some song for music class that we had all year to do. I felt kind of bad about it since I liked Ms. Utada, but at the same time I know everyone but Olette did the same thing I did.  
I know a lot of the days that were now gone were spent in the nearby town that Axel liked to take me to that I eventually learned was called Twilight Town. We ate so much ice cream I’m sure I was at an appropriate weight by now. We rode the train a lot and these were practically dates. He’d offer to take me or offer a date and they both meant the same thing; Alone time with Axel in Twilight Town. My favorite spot was on top of the clock tower- the first place he had taken me when we were here.

A lot of the days spent at home, when I wasn’t cleaning, was spent talking with No.i and playing comp games. We eventually took to playing 8bit horror games. Since they were one-players typically, I’d play and screen share or they’d do the same. We probably beat about nine of them and we still had so many more on our computers. The amount of stuff in my computer was practically a mix of theirs it was getting so ridiculous. Not that I minded any. I was usually only on the computer to talk or play games with them anyways.

Work was work- interesting for one reason or another and the girls all driving me nuts. We actually got a dishwasher named Arc, a quiet kid who kept to himself mostly and liked to keep efficient. However he seemed to light up when Naminé would talk to him. I thought it was kind of cute and so did she. “We swap lots of books and he’s come over to return some before and met my snake- you know you should come over sometime, too.” She offered. I took her up on it and spent a few hours at her place one day, the snake wrapped around my neck the entire time.

I only got a few ass beatings since I was out a lot and kept hidden when I was home. She freaked over something about our rooms even though I honestly have no idea what the fuck she was talking about and threatened to push me out the window. I ended up getting scraped on the remnants of broken glass since it had yet to be fixed, but I was mostly alright. I twisted my ankle backing up from her during some other argument, and then sprained a finger while I was trying to clean under the sink and she ended up forcing me to bend it weird.

Axel assailed me with kisses every time.

We also probably had sex a good couple of times too. Each time he found a way to make crappy puns and covered some part of me with bud-like bruises, but he kept them to hidden spots- mostly.

The Organization did a couple other events that I ended up putting more effort into than I thought I had in me, but we were promised another trip the mansion in the summer. The next time I went, Sora had been home, so I was worried per usual but… I didn’t get called back. I roomed with Axel again and lost the hunting game, Larxene winning. I actually got to mess around by the beach, enjoying the wading pools and the small creatures in them. Xaldin and Lexaeus actually went fishing and caught enough for everyone to eat, Axel cooking it up.

I kicked ass while playing hearts against the other members and I felt like Luxord was going to kill me eventually. However, near the end of the trip, he had handed me a deck of cards with an interesting design on the back. “These are for you. I feel as though you deserve them. They were my first ever lucky deck of cards.” I was completely flattered and buried them in a safe place where mom couldn’t wreck them.

I actually… I actually have been feeling pretty good about so many different things. I’ve got one week left of my summer break and I just… I don’t want it to end just yet. Everything has been really nice. I didn’t do any of my homework yet, but I’ve got all of my stuff for when the week was over and it was kind of depressing. I… I’m happy. I don’t feel like shit about myself. I actually want to get up because it means going to work and being around people I like. Or it means going on a date with Axel in Twilight Town and eating ice cream on the clock tower before we go back. It means the Organization needs me for something and I get to feel useful. …It means I feel like I have a reason to be.

…I’m happy.  
I’m really, truly, honestly happy right now in spite of still being stuck with her.

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

There were three days till school. I hadn’t done my summer homework, No.i wanted to play a game, the bathroom wasn’t clean, and Axel had been texting me all day. I heard mom call me from downstairs when I had hit send to his most recent message. “Coming!” I called loud enough so she could hear and tromped down the stairs. “…You going to clean the fucking living room or what you little shit?”

…Living room? I had bathroom today, didn’t I? “Um… I thought I had bathroom…” I mumbled in protest. “You have fucking both, your brother is trying to finish up the last of his homework!” She yelled, sounding exasperated as if it was obvious. “…I’m sorry I’ll do that right now…” I mumbled, heading for the cleaning cabinet to get what I needed to. “You fucking better…” I heard her grumbled and it made a sickly, sticky feeling cling to the inside of my chest. “Also did you finish your homework?”

She called after me. “Um… Almost.” I lied, hoping she didn’t call me out on it. “Let me see it.” She demanded. “I… Um…” She narrowed her eyes at me. “…Roxas. Did. You do. Your _homework_.” I shrunk into myself, knowing what was coming next. Lying was only going to make it worse. “I… No…” I grumbled in admittance. She scoffed at me and snatched the cleaning bottles out of my hands. “Of course you fucking didn’t! Too busy fucking around with your friends!” She hissed. “You keep that shit up I won’t let you see any of them- especially Axel.”

“What?! You can’t do that!” I replied, instantly without thinking about what would come from my protests. That wasn’t fair, how dare she! “The hell I can! If he’s keeping you from doing what you’re supposed to be doing, then I can forbid it all I like! Especially if you’re going to be a fucking little tramp with him!” …Tramp… Was she…? “What the hell are you even _talking_ about?” She tossed the bottles at me and I raised my arms to cover my face. “You know _damn well_ what I’m talking about you cheap little fucking plastic whore!” She screamed at me, tossing the other.

I was so pissed I had knocked it back with my arms, practically seething. “ ** _Fuck you_**! He’s my god damn boyfriend, if I want to fuck him, I’m gonna!” I hissed in reply, not caring if she had been trying to taunt the information out of me or if she actually knew. She growled, completely furious and grabbed at my hair.

There was screaming. Lots and lots of screaming. And I think I actually hit her back. I was fuming. Enraged. Pissed. I was gonna fucking kill her. I was gonna fucking kill her. …I don’t think I took my meds today. I think I forgot. We were practically tearing into one another all throughout the house until we somehow got by the double set of glass doors by the back. She was ripping mad and so I was. It had been mostly quiet for a long time between us without any real damage being done compared to shit she used to do.

So this was bound to happen.

“You stupid fucking cheap little whore, get the fuck out of my house!”  
“Fuck you, you stupid gremlin bitch! You’re INSANE!”  
“So are you if you think that boyfriend of yours really likes you when you do shit like this! You’re a fucking bag of crazy and he’s only fucking you because you’re **_easy_**!!!” I heard footsteps come down the stairs and briefly saw out of the corner of my eye Sora standing on the stairs, not knowing what to do. I shoved her away, not wanting to fight her anymore. I could just fucking leave… That had been an option lately. But leaving Sora here alone still bothered me…

“LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE!!!” I yelled at her and she tackled me and…

The sound of glass shattering.

That’s all I remembered. I didn’t feel anything, I just remembered the sound. After that it was really loud sirens and colors and it felt familiar… They were telling me to stay awake… I don’t know who they were though. It was really cold and I didn’t like it and I just wanted to be warm… I wanted to be in a warm bed with…

There was a light, brief fading of it, another light… A hallway? Why was I looking at a hallway ceiling? I’m so confused… It was so bright and there was so much noise… Who was crying? Can you please stop crying? Don’t cry, it’ll be okay. Don’t cry…

“We’re losing him…!”

Losing who? Why? Where are they going? I don’t understand… It’s really cold and the person keeps crying and it’s really loud and bright and I just want to sleep already…

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

Everything hurts. I feel numb. I don’t know where I am and my eyes feel heavy. I heard someone gasp. “Nurse!” I heard them yell. It was a boy… I forced my eyes open, everything being bleary white. “Oh my god I was so worried…” I felt weight on me. The nurse reminded whoever was on me not to do that. I was hurt? It hurt.

I still feel sleepy. The nurse checked some things. Asked me some questions. I didn’t answer her. She gave me some water, I drank it, she told me to rest. The boy at my bed side just kept trying to talk to me when the nurse wasn’t and it was making my head hurt. I finally got a bit annoyed and looked over at him. He looked exhausted, like he hadn’t slept for days. He also looked like he hadn’t showered in a while. He had wide, bright blue eyes and brown hair.

“…I’m sorry… Who are you?”


	32. After Affects and Effects

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I'm so emotionally distressed by this show I'm watching that I'm going (do the same to you) to post this early instead of on Sunday, enjoy dollys~!

Chapter XXX: After Affects and Effects

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

I blinked. What… What had he just said? I felt my entire expression drop. “…Roxas?” I asked him. His eyes looked empty- like there was nothing upstairs to reflect any kind of light. “…Who?” He asked me, his mute expression only changing by his eyebrows furrowing slightly. …I screamed for the nurse again. My brother…! My precious little brother was…!

…Mom had… Mom had broken Roxas…! SHE BROKE ROXAS!!! The nurse put her hands on my shoulder and told me to stop screaming. “BUT HE…! HE DOESN’T KNOW WHO I AM! MY BROTHER DOESN’T KNOW WHO I A-“

“Alright- it’s okay. You need to be calm or it’s going to upset him, look.” She held her hand out in his direction to emphasize it. He looked worried with a mix of fear and had backed away from me a bit. “It’ll be alright. Why don’t you go calm down and we’ll see if we can figure out what’s wrong. This could all be just temporary from the brain injury. “BRAIN INJURY?! NO ONE TOLD ME THAT!!” I screamed, my voice shrill. The nurse was quickly getting snippy and escorted me out of the room, Roxas watching me leave with curious eyes.

My brother… My precious baby brother didn’t know who I was… I… he didn’t… He was… He was just smiling and harassing me yesterday…! He…! He…!!!! I pulled out my phone and ran outside. I hit Riku’s name on my phone and dialed it. He didn’t answer, I didn’t leave a message. I just called him again. And again. He answered that time. “Sora, I told you not to call me right no- …Sora what’s wrong why are you crying?”

I was sobbing. I couldn’t breathe and everything hurt. My brother… My protective, kind, no longer lonely brother… He didn’t know who I was…!!! I started crying at the top of my lungs. “Sora- Sora calm down, where are you. Sora, talk to me.” Riku tried from the other end of the phone. I gasped for air and it hurt…! It hurt she hurt him mom hurt Roxas really bad this time…! “Sora, I need you to breathe, okay? Tell me where you ar-“

“Th… The hos-…hospital…” I choked, still crying. My throat hurt and she… Oh god, she…! Why did I ever listen to him every time he told me he was fine?! THIS WASN’T FINE SHE HURT MY BROTHER!!! “…THAT STUPID BITCH HURT MY BROTHER!”

“…Sora I’m coming right now, okay?” Riku reassured and there was rustling in the background.

“SHE HURT HIM! HE DOESN’T KNOW WHO I AM!! SHE DOESN’T…! ROXAS HAS NO IDEA WHO I AM!!!”

“Sora stop screaming you’re going to hurt your throat, okay? I’ll be right there, just try to calm down until I get there. I won’t hang up till you’re arm’s length away, okay? Sora, stop screaming- Sora…”

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

I couldn’t stop crying and screaming and yelling and I just… They eventually had hospital staff come outside and try to see if I was okay. “NO I’M NOT FUCKING OKAY SHE HURT MY BROTHER!!!” I screamed. The staff looked at one another, exchanging looks. They didn’t know anything! They didn’t know…! They didn’t know how much and how often and how badly she had hurt him yet he always…! He ALWAYS…! He just kept smiling… Like an idiot… My brother’s an idiot! He’s a bad liar and I believed him every time!

Riku pulled up haphazardly and the staff told him he couldn’t park there. “I’ll move in a minute. Sora- Sora, come here…” Riku hung up his phone, gently took mine out of my hand and pulled me close. “It’s going to be okay… It-“

“NO IT’S NOT!” I screamed, shoving him away. “DON’T LIE TO ME LIKE HE DID! I’M… I’M NOT STUPID! I KNOW IT’S NOT…! I JUST DIDN’T WANT TO UPSET HIM! I MEAN, WHAT WAS I GOING TO DO!? THE ONLY THING I **COULD** DO WAS BELIEVE HIS STUPID AND OBVIOUS LIE! I… What am I gonna d- oh god…” I covered my mouth with my hand. …Who’s going to tell Axel…? Who’s…?

Riku pulled me close and hugged me, rubbing my back. “Come on, you’re causing a scene.” He pulled me into his car and actually went to go somewhere to park while I sobbed in the passenger seat. “…Tell me what happened.” He said, holding my hand while he drove. “I… They… They were fighting again over something- and I mean _really_ fighting. Like _ripping_ mad- tearing at one another, screaming matches… And… And they were by the back door and… And there was so much blood and I… He…” Riku stroked my hand, urging me to continue.

“And she…! SHE WAS GOING TO LEAVE HIM! She said he was fine and…! And…! I called the ambulance and they… He… Riku…” I was hyperventilating. “…Riku my brother died in that hospital for a full thirteen minutes.” I choked out, the realization washing over me and it hurt… It hurt so terribly bad. “If… If I had tried to reason with her at all… If I hadn’t just done it myself he… He could be… Oh my god…” I was crying again. “She could have _killed_ him…!” Riku pulled into a spot in the parking lot.

“…That STUPID CRAZY BITCH KILLED MY BROTHER!!!” I screamed, slamming my hands onto his dashboard. “Sora.” Riku called my name and quickly unhooked his seatbelt, grabbing for me and making sure I didn’t hurt myself. I screamed… And screamed until I lost my voice. I lost it in the middle of the hospital parking lot in Riku’s car. I was still crying but they were dry tears. I had nothing left in me. He made small circles on my back, still leaning over awkwardly to hold me.

He let go, got out of the car, opened his door and helped me out, shutting the door behind me. He held my hand and walked me back to the hospital. He didn’t say anything. What was there to say, I had just screamed it all out? He sat with me in the lobby, some of the nurses talking quietly while stealing glances at me. “…You want something to drink?” I nodded, my voice completely shot now.

He got up, gently letting go of my hand at the last minute and came back with tea after a few minutes. “…You need to shower and sleep.” He stated. I opened my mouth to reply, but even without a voice he stopped me. “No. We can come back. You need sleep. You being like that isn’t going to help him any. I’ll stay awake and leave them my number in case anything happens and I’ll drive you right back over, alright?” …He was right. Riku usually was. He was nothing but logic sometimes and it kind of hurt on occasion. “…Do you want me to call Kairi?” He offered. I nodded furiously.

He stood up and went to the front desk, probably leaving his number. He then came back and held my hand and walked out with me, messing with his phone before calling Kairi as we went back to his car. “…Hey? You need to come over, it’s serious. …No, he’s not okay. He’s not physically hurt, but he’s far from okay.” Riku spoke into the phone as we made way for his car. I quickly pulled my phone out and made a message.

Riku: I gotta tell my mom!!!!!

He waved me off and turned the car on. “…Yeah see you in a bit.” He hung up his phone and turned to me. “I already told them at the front desk to hunt her down and tell her I took you back to my place so you could rest and even texted her myself, alright? Don’t worry, I got all of the bases covered.” He said, turning over the car and holding my hand. I just… I just want Roxas to be okay… He just seemed like he was starting to be happy… This isn’t fair… This…

I started crying again.

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

Kairi was already at Riku’s house and quickly threw her arms around me before I was even fully out of the car. “…You okay?” She asked quietly. I shook my head and clung to her. No… No but I was in a better state than Roxas was… “Come on, let’s go in. He’s also got no voice since he did a lot of screaming.” He told Kairi, already at the front door and unlocking it. She nodded and held my hands as I followed them inside.

He lingered by the door, but then pulled me away from Kairi and hugged me. He let go and then turned back for the door. “Kairi you’re in charge of him. Make sure he cleans up and goes to sleep, he’s got some clothes here but I’m going to go grab more and some of his other things.” He said without skipping a beat and left. “Got it.” She said with a serious tone and a brief nod. He returned the nod and then left, shutting the door behind him.

She turned to me, her serious demeanor instantly going away. “…Hey. Come on, let’s go clean up.” She offered. She held my hand took me upstairs to the bathroom. The three of us practically lived together. We were all either at her house or Riku’s or on the rare occasions they were at mine. But we knew the other’s house well enough to know where everything was and felt comfortable enough to do as we liked in each- except mine. They never really got the chance too because I worried a bit…

Kairi kept trying to get me to look her in the eyes, always making some kind of physical contact with me. She had no idea what was going on right now… But she was still so… I tried to call her name, but my voice failed me and it came out in nothing but a whisper. “…Sora…” She pulled me into a hug, her tone filled with pity and I clung to her. She and Riku were my lifelines right now… I needed them because I didn’t know what to do this time. I couldn’t just patch him up and listen to him lie about how he would be okay…

This wasn’t that kind of injury… I… “…Come on, let’s get you cleaned up. Have you eaten anything recently?” …I don’t know… No? I mean I was panicking in the hospital for three days while my brother didn’t wake up… I shook my head. She stroked my face, brushing hair out of the way. “Okay. I’ll make you something when we’re done getting you cleaned up, okay?” I nodded and she kissed my forehead. “Come on.” She patted my thigh and I started taking my clothes off. I was as naked around Kairi as I probably was Riku. I know that seems kind of weird, but she’s been my best friend since I was a kid.

It wasn’t like she was looking at me or I was looking at her, it was just a bath. She ran some water and filled it with an excessive amount of bubbles, even by my standards. “You’re gonna get in there and relax and not drown or fall asleep and I’m going to make you some food. Understand?” She asked, hands on her hips. I nodded and she smiled. “Okay.” She kissed my forehead again and went downstairs while I got in.

I sat there, the water slowly filling up to the point where it would almost overflowed. I just watched it. I didn’t move. Maybe if I put cement mix in it- Kairi was back upstairs and turned the water off. “You’re lucky he’s got a drain on the floor- or maybe you did that on purpose.” She said with a smile. I didn’t answer. “…I know you’re upset and I don’t know over what, but I have a good idea… But, if you ever need me to do anything, I’ll jump, just tell me how high.” She reminded me. Kairi had offered so many times to help. She knew. So did Riku.

They both knew my family situation wasn’t exactly “normal”… CPS has been over a few times, but found nothing wrong. Roxas’ bruises could be put off by some accidents or something and they bought it. Even then, sometimes they took forever to come for calls that had been made _months_ ago. It only made her angrier… So Roxas stopped trying. She had beaten him. She got him to stop fighting back.

…And he had done it again, and again she had… She… I held my breath and went under the water. I sat there until my lungs hurt. Even then I sat there. It hurt… Kairi tapped my shoulder and I came up in a rush of water and gasped for air. “…Sora…?” She sat on the edge of the tub and ran her hands through my hair. “…Here, I’ll wash you up.” She offered. I put my head on her lap and she didn’t complain about me getting her wet. She washed my hair and rinsed it like I was a little kid.

When she was done, she just lightly ran her nails up and down my back until a timer went off downstairs. “I’ll be right back, okay?” She offered, me having to move. I heard the front door and wanted to climb out of this tub in all my soaking wet glory and run into his chest right now. I felt terrible… But Roxas had it worse. He had it worse than I did right now… He just lost all of his happiness. I should stop feeling sorry like this… I’m so pathetic. I’m ridiculous. I need to stop. I’m fine. I’m here. I’m not hurt, never really was compared to him. I still remember everything. I’m okay. I need to stop feeling upset.

What do I even have to be upset over?

I’m such a big baby… There was a knock on the door and it made me snap my head up. I smiled at him, glad he was back, but I couldn’t say it. Smile, smile, smile… If you keep smiling, eventually you’ll mean it. It takes less muscles to smile than it does to frown. Smile, smile, smile, you’re fine… He had some bags in his hands that he held up briefly to emphasize. “…I’ve got some clothes and some of the things you brought over that one time when…” …When I tried not to be home anymore. Things that mattered. Everything but my brother…

“I’m going to go put them in my room, alright?” I nodded and he left the bathroom. I was left alone again… And it sucked. I needed Riku or Kairi in the room right now. I shouldn’t want to cry again. I needed to distract myself- I needed to smile in front of _someone_ so I wouldn’t start crying… I… I…

…I want my brother.

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

Kairi had this habit of making her food look cute, even if it tended to be a bit plain sometimes. She could make stars out of things like carrots and make rabbits out of apples. She always made the food look really cute, and this time was no different. It was really cute and kinda plain tasting, but that was alright. I didn’t need anything spectacular and neither did Riku. “Is it okay?” She asked me, tipping her head with it a bit low, trying to look me in the eyes again. I nodded, taking another bite. I felt Riku gently squeeze my thigh under the table. “Do you want more of anything?” I shook my head. No. I’m okay… I’m okay… I’m…

I felt Riku brush my bangs back completely tip my head back a bit. “…Your eyes are still red.” He stated, staring really intently at me. I opened my mouth for a moment, forgetting my voice didn’t work right now. I bit my lips and looked away from him. He let go and resumed eating, a heavy silence in the room. That’s my fault. I made this atmosphere. I needed to… I need to fix it…! I…! I gotta say something- I gotta do something…! I need to… I need…!

I pressed my forehead to his shoulder. He looked down at me, confused a bit. I gave him a smile and he furrowed his eyebrows. He leaned down, looking angry. “…You don’t need to do that. If you’re upset, be upset. Don’t smile unless you mean it or else there’s no point in it.” …Stupid jerk don’t tell me that… Please don’t tell me that I’ll start crying again, I…

I…

…I just want to go to sleep.

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

I couldn’t sleep. I tried though. I was buried under three different blankets and had five pillow on Riku’s couch. My eyes were closed and had been for a while, but I just couldn’t sleep. I heard Riku tell Kairi what had happened in a quiet tone. I heard her gasp, her voice getting a bit shrill, but still quiet. “Oh my god…!” Riku shushed her and paused. I’m sure he had looked over at me. I pretended to turn over in my sleep, burying my face deep into the crook of the pillow and couch.

I just stared at the couch while they kept talking. Riku told Kairi he didn’t want me going home at all. He wanted me here. “Well what are you going to do when they release Roxas from the hospital? He’s going to have to go home, right?” Riku was quiet for a moment. “…If I can, I’m going to see if I can have him stay here too. …I’m so fucking pissed that they’re only seventeen. Couldn’t you have been born in the same year as me, Sora? Would be saving us a lot of shit right now if you weren’t a minor…” He grumbled, getting agitated.

It was quiet for a moment and I couldn’t make out what Kairi said. “…I know… It’s just stressful. I feel like I can’t ever really do anything for him, you know? And it bothers me… The way he’s always trying to be happy. You see the way he smiled at me during dinner? He’s a mess and he’s still trying to smile at me…”

“…I know. It’s… Sometimes it’s the only thing you can do, though…” Kairi said so quietly I had to strain past the ringing in my ears to hear her. It was quiet for a long time. “…Do you think he’ll remember things soon?” Kairi asked, just wanting his opinion on the matter. “…I don’t know- I mean I _hope_ so…! I don’t need Sora in a bigger mess than he already is and this is just…” He sighed heavily and I’m sure he was running a hand through his hair.

“…But… If he doesn’t… That could be stressful and take lots of patience, but it could also be good for Roxas. To be able to forget something as terrible as that… I’m kind of jealous it wasn’t Sora- …is that bad of me to say?” It was quiet again. “…No. You’re not saying you wished he’d been pushed through glass in put in the hospital, you’re just saying you wish he could forget all of that…”

…I decided to stop listening and try to go to sleep again.

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

The next day, I wasn’t allowed to go anywhere. There was no point in trying to go see Roxas if I couldn’t try to talk to him- or at least that’s what Riku and Kairi had decided. So they basically babied me all day and kept me constant company.

The next day I could talk a bit, but they still wanted me to wait. Riku called the hospital so I’d stop objecting and they said he had been the same as when they brought him in. Quiet, kept to himself, and didn’t understand or know much. They asked him every day if he knew his own name. Mom never went to see him. In fact I don’t even know if she had stayed more than a day. I was there all three and never left his bedside. Then again, I could have just blocked out the memory of her being there in favor of being with Roxas.

The third day, I could talk and thoroughly insisted on seeing Roxas. “…Sora I don’t think-“  
“Will you shut up and let me see my brother?!” I rasped out, my voice working but sounding terrible. Kairi seemed a bit shocked that I was so quick to get so upset that I’d curse. “…Okay.” She said. Riku looked at her in disbelief, but she shook her head. “After you eat, your stupid boyfriend here is going to take you or I’m going to beat him up for you.” She said, giving me a smile, Riku still upset with her decision to side with me. “…If not, I could always take him myself.” She offered, giving him a coy smile.

…Kairi had failed her driver’s test on several occasions for reckless driving. She was too heavy on the gas and breaked at the last second which constantly sent the car jerking, her music sometimes being so loud you couldn’t hear police sirens if you needed to, and she turned corners like she was playing Mario Kart or something. So this was a threat, and Riku was quick to comply with her, worried for my wellbeing. “…F-Fine…”

So, I got to go to the hospital to see Roxas. He was staring at the TV, the news being on. He looked empty… I hated when he looked like that… And this… This was… It could be a constant. “…Hello?” I asked, my voice cracking. He looked away from the TV and at me, his eyes getting a bit wide. “Oh, hey… You’re…” My heart throbbed hard in my chest. Did he remember me?! “…You’re the boy that freaked out when I woke up.” …It throbbed so hard that it shorted out and dropped into my stomach and shattered upon impact.

“Um… Yeah…” I approached a bit closer, constantly reminded myself that to my brother I was… I was a complete stranger. Don’t get overly friendly or it could weird him out… It could… “…Um… My name is Sora.” Stay simple, stay simple… Smile, smile, good impressions...! “Oh… Nice to meet you.” He said simply. Nice… Nice to meet… To meet… I… I’m gonna be sick. I sat in the chair that was near his bed. “Yup. Did they tell you what your name was yet?” I asked, tipping my head yet. “Um, yeah. Roxas, right?” I nodded, smiling wide. He remembered what they told him. Good! I’m proud of him!

“…They uh…” He looked down at the blanket covering him and clung to it a little bit. “…They said that there was something wrong with my head and I forgot a lot of stuff. They also said that I may not be able to use a lot of my body for a while and maybe even not at all depending on how it heals.”

…He had no grip in his hand right now. He was clinging to the blanket, but there was no force to it. I forced the memory of how much blood there had been out of my head. “It’s okay. Even if you can’t do lots of things or have a hard time remembering, I promise to be patient with you, okay?” I offered. He looked at me, a bit shocked. “…Okay.” I smiled at him, nice and wide.

“Is there anything you want me to tell you?” I asked, watching him and taking note of every little thing he did. “…Um…” He furrowed his brows for a moment, biting his bottom lip. We both did that when we were stressed or thinking. He still did it. It made me get a bit excited. Where had I heard “If the head doesn’t remember, the body will?”

“…Um… Can you tell me who you are?” He finally decided on something. Something simple. “Well, I told you my name already…” I hummed, leaning back in the chair. There was so much I could tell him and my brain had come up with so much, but I didn’t want to overwhelm him, so I was taking it slowly. “Oh wait- do you want me to write it down in case you don’t remember it all at once?” I offered, to which he quickly nodded. “Please?” He asked, looking just a little desperate.

I looked around the room for paper, not finding any. Crap… “…Hold on, let me go see if they have any we can use at the nurse’s station, okay?” He nodded slowly as I got up and darted out of the room to find some. Paper, paper, paper… They gave me printing paper at the nurse’s station and a pen. I ran back, waving the paper once I was in the doorway. “Got some!” He gave me a weak, and clearly forced smile.

I sat back down in the chair and pulled the desk a bit closer. “Okay. So…!” I wrote my name down at the top of the paper. “…I guess this is going to kind of cover things about you too.” I realized. He was my twin- I couldn’t tell him things about me without mentioning things about him in turn. He looked at me with furrowed brows. “Well…” I wrote down the word “twin” as I spoke. “We’re twins. I’m older, but you tended to act older a lot of the time.”  He raised an eyebrow.

“…Really? You seem like the older one to me.” I stopped writing “older” so I could look at him. “…You… You think so?” He nodded, smiling a bit. “Mmhmm.” …But I never acted like it. I acted like a big brat… I was never a good big brother… I’m so sorry, Roxas… “…What makes you think that?” I asked, honestly wondering where that thought had come from. He studied the blankets, almost as if hoping they would be able to tell him. “…I don’t know. You just seem like you’d be the older one to me.” He decided, simply.

I studied him for a moment before smiling and resuming writing things down. This went on for about an hour or so; Very slow and simple, taking my time to write things down so he could read them clearly and without much effort. I told him that we shared a room. I told him that I liked sports and food and he liked music and books while we both liked video games. I told him that he had always been really quiet and people tended to say I was a bit loud. We were both right handed, but he could use his left if he needed to. That surprised him a bit, which made me laugh.

His favorite holiday was New Year’s and Halloween while I liked Thanksgiving and his birthday. “But it’s the same day, isn’t it?” He asked, confused. I shook my head. “Nope. We were born close to midnight, so mine is a day before yours.” He seemed to get distracted by that fact and I had to pull him back a bit. By the time I was done, I had a T-chart with me on the right, him on the left. I gave him the paper, to which he stared at it for a long time before saying, “…You have really nice hand writing.” I couldn’t help but laugh. “Yeah, and yours was a _mess_!” I chided.

I watched him study the paper, biting his lips as he seemed to read it over and over and over… I glanced up at the TV and rolled my eyes. “Is this what they left you to watch? Laaaame.” I said, hunting for the remote. “…Really?” He asked, a bit confused. “Totally! Come on, there’s gotta be cartoons on somewhe… Aha!” I had managed to find an older episode of spongebob playing. “This is quality TV right here.” I said with a laugh and put the remote down. “…This?” He asked, not knowing if I was serious or not while spongebob did some weird dance. What was this, the bank geek episode?

I laughed a nodded. “Totally. The news is just depressing.” I grumbled, leaning back in the chair. “…Did we watch a lot of cartoons?” He asked, looking over at me. “I did. You never complained if I made you watch them with me. You weren’t too big on TV, but you liked to watch scary movies with me.” I offered. “…I didn’t get scared?” He asked, seeming to not understand. “…Well, no... We would sometimes make fun of them if they were really bad.” I offered for a memory. He looked like he was straining. “Ah…! I think I’ll stop doing that for today. Your head hurt?” He paused, but nodded slowly. I nodded firmly in return. “Okay. We can just watch cartoons now- if you want I mean…” I offered.

He paused, but then nodded slowly. “Okay.” We both stopped talking and directed our attention to the TV, me chuckling at parts that I found funny while he watched with a serious interest. It eventually was past visiting hours, so they had me leave. “…Do you want me to come see you tomorrow?” I offered. He looked at me and nodded slowly. “…Is that okay?” I nodded furiously. “Of course! I’d put off saving the world- no… _Several_ worlds to come see you if I needed to!”  
He flushed, clearly being completely flattered by my word choice. I laugh at him, glad he didn’t look as empty as he had when he had first woken up. “…See you later.” I offered, deciding last minute to give him a hug. He froze up a little, but had relaxed by the time I pulled away. He waved numbly as I left, so I returned it with a vigorous wave of my own and a wide smile.

Riku and Kairi had waited in the lobby the entire time for me while playing video games with each other and eating vending machine junk food, a pile of accumulating wrappers on the table before them. “One second, lemme just finish kicking Riku’s ass in this level and we can go.” He rolled his eyes and scoffed. “Shut uuuup.”

I chuckled and looked over Riku’s shoulder, him and Kairi playing Smash Bros., Riku as Kirby, Kairi as Link, MegaMan and Mario the NPCs. I watched their match, Kairi wining true to her word. She jeered and Riku looked like he was going to shove all of the wrappers on the table down her throat and let her suffocate on them. “…Whatever. Come on, let’s go.” He picked up all of their mess, throwing it out while Kairi dragged me ahead and off to the car, my arm locked in hers. “…So how’d it go?” She asked once we were out of ear shot of Riku. “…Okay. I told him a little bit about us and wrote it down and when his head started hurting we just watched cartoons for a few hours.” She nodded, showing she was listening.

“You have a date planned on when you want to see him again?” I nodded. “I offered for tomorrow. The more I go to see him the more he’ll either remember or get comfortable around me again.” She nodded, seeming to be thinking about something. “…So I know Riku wanted to tell you, but… I don’t know if he’s going to be delicate about it.” I stopped walking so I could look at her. “…Be delicate about what?” I asked, getting nervous.

“…Your mom called. She just wanted to know how you were and wants you to go to school. You missed some days already and she was upset about that. She tried your phone, but you left it at Riku’s, right?” I nodded cautiously to confirm her thoughts. “I thought so. She’s… She didn’t even mention your brother. She just wants you to go to school. I asked if she had been in at all and she hadn’t…”

I can see why Kairi wanted to tell me this… Riku tended to get angry with my mom a lot, so he’d probably tell me the same things, but it would be so much harsher because he couldn’t stand her… “…So… She just wants me in school…? She doesn’t care that Roxas is in the hospital?” I asked, shaking. She doesn’t care… She completely ignored him…! She…! I was shaking I was so angry…!

I don’t understand…! I don’t understand, how can she…! How can she act like this towards us?! We’re her kids!!! Roxas is her kid!!! How can… Why does she…? “…How can she act like that…?! I don’t understand it…!!! Why is she so mean to him!?” Kairi gently held my wrists since she couldn’t get to my hands from them being clenched so hard I was sure if I kept it up I’d either pierce the skin or leave bruises. I felt someone yank me backwards and pull me into their chest. “…Who cares?”

I looked up at Riku, furious now. Who cares…?! Who cares?! “I CARE!!!” I screamed, yanking myself away from him. “Why?” He said with a shrug. “BECAUSE HE’S MY BROTHER!!” He shrugged again and looked away, almost as if bored. “So? I’ve got three of them and I don’t feel like you do towards Roxas. Besides, he doesn’t even remember you, so why bother?” What… What the fuck…! HE WAS BEING SO INSENSITIVE!!! “Why… Why bother…?”

“Riku, what the hell! Why are you-“ I used my arm to push Kairi back and got in his face, ready to punch him. “I’m gonna bother because he never had to and he always did! He could have been selfish and kept hidden- he was quiet enough! He was practically invisible! He could have shared that kind of pain or hidden from her completely but he didn’t! He refused! Do you know how many times I’ve seen him with broken bones or covered in bruises and he still would jump in front of me to make sure she wouldn’t hit me!? How many stories he told me to distract me or make me think we could go away somewhere?!”

“Sora-“ Kairi tried, gently trying to pull me away. “NO! NO, FUCK THAT! THAT’S NOT FAIR, HOW _DARE YOU_ SAY SOMETHING LIKE THAT!” I screamed at Riku. He was such an ass…! He was supposed to be my boyfriend- my _best friend_ \- and yet he was acting like such an ass…! “…So you just paying back favors now?” He asked, crossing his arms, our noses touching we were so close. “NO! I’M KEEPING MY BROTHER SAFE BECAUSE HE DESERVES TO FEEL SAFE LIKE HE MADE ME FEEL! IT’S NOT SOME “FAVOR” OR “DEBT”! HE DESERVES TO BE HAPPY!”

“So you gonna be some big hero now?” He asked, scoffing. “YOU’RE DAMN FUCKING RIGHT I AM!!” He didn’t say anything and my words echoed around us. “…Good. Don’t forget how you’re feeling right now. Don’t ever let her beat you down again. Don’t fake being happy. If you’re pissed, show her you’re pissed. If you’re not going to put up with her shit, show her. Don’t let her think you can live perfectly fine while she goes and hurts someone you care about like that.” He pulled away and headed towards the parking lot again.

Wait… What…? He… He had just been baiting me? He… I felt Kairi gently touch my shoulder and call my name. “…Sora? Are you okay?” …That was how I felt. I didn’t know how I was feeling and I was a mess for the past few days… But that was how I felt. …I… I was _angry_. I was _furious_. I _hated_ her. “…No. I’m not. I’m fucking pissed.” I hissed, my fists clenched. I wasn’t pissed at Riku. He was harsh in his methods sometimes and often times let logic outweigh what his heart told him, but I needed that since I tended to do the opposite. He balanced me out. “…Kairi?” I turned to her, still tense. “Yeah?” Her eyes were expectant; She wasn’t scared of me.

“…Can you help me take all of my and Roxas’ stuff out of my house when she’s at work?” She nodded. “Just say the word. I’ll even get my uncle’s truck if we need it. If we have to, we can even take it all to my family’s beach house if she tries to drag you back from Riku’s since she doesn’t know where that is.” She offered. I nodded and turned to head towards where Riku had parked the car, Kairi following alongside me.

That day… I silently vowed to never let our mother hurt Roxas again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: So I really love the idea of Kairi driving like she’s playing Mario Kart, it’s really funny to me.  
> Also one of the things I want to point out about Sora is that he has this tendency to feel obligated to be happy. He has that “someone else has it worse, so I have no right to be upset” mind frame, so this is a big deal that he broke that mind set and got angry.  
> Also, twin thought parallels~!


	33. Secrets and Seclusions

Chapter XXXI: Secrets and Seclusions

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

“…Okay so I know this is something totally serious but I really feel like I should be singing some super-secret spy theme music for us.” Kairi’s uncle said as he helped haul some of Roxas’ books boxes out of my house. “You know like btsp, btsp, btsp, cha…! Cha, cha, cha…! Bulahloop, cha…! Boob a loo! Babado baaaah! Budubuhbuhdaaaa… buhda, buhda, buhdubuhaaaaa-aaaa-aaaaa-aaaaa…!” Riku looked over at him like he was nuts while Kairi giggled and I couldn’t help but hold back a laugh. “…No?” He asked, looking back at us while loading the several boxes of books into his truck.

“No.”  
“Totally!”  
“Yes!”

He smiled and went back in the house to grab more boxes. We had come an hour after my mom had left, Riku staking out the place to make sure she had officially left before we came and got ourselves caught. After that, Kairi and I got into her uncle’s truck and headed to my house. Riku had already went inside, using the spare key since he knew where it was hidden, and had started packing some of my things up.

Now, Kairi’s uncle was the big, hulking guy with dark, long hair who worked at a Greek restaurant. He could be a bit dense sometimes, but he had a really good heart- which was why he was so quick to agree to help me out. “Hey, uncle Kronk?” Kairi asked while putting the last of Roxas’ music into a box. We had been at this for about three hours now, but between him and Riku, it was moving a lot quicker than it would have. “What’s up, sugar cake?” He asked her, stopping what he was doing. “Thanks so much again for helping out Sora.” He scoffed and waved her off.

“It’s no biggie! Sometimes you’re in a terrible situation with someone and you just… Gotta… Not do it anymore!” He said, looking like he was being reminded of something and struggling to push the memory of it away. He shrugged, clearly trying to avoid the memory as he carried more boxes out of the house while I followed behind him with some of my own. We were finished within another two hours and quick to leave. We left the beds and blankets, but took all of our clothes, books, music, sports equipment, video games, and other odds and ends. Our room was bare…

I stood in it for a moment, just looking. I noticed that… Even empty, it wasn’t much different as when we were actually living in it. Without the closets opened, it looked exactly the same. Everything had been put away in such a way that made it look like no one really lived here. I noticed that now. It was so orderly it was like it was non-existent… “Sora?”

I flinched and turned around to meet Riku’s eyes. “Uh, yeah I’m coming.” I quickly said, darting past him. I was stopped by this sudden urge that overcame me in the living room. “…Actually. I need five minutes, I’ll be out right away, I promise. I just forgot something.” He raised an eyebrow at me, but shrugged it off and let me be.

…I hate this damn woman and I was going to tell her in the one way I knew how. Shit had hit the fan and I wasn’t going to clean it and Roxas didn’t remember how this time. So, if I just kept making a bigger mess, I wasn’t going to want to clean it. So she was just going to either have to do it herself or leave it. I couldn’t run out for some of my sports equipment, so I’d just have to…

I took out my ipod and scanned through it, looking for something, something… Mystery Skulls will do. I turned the volume up as loud as it would go so I couldn’t hear if they honked the horn or called for me.  
“When you’re over~  
I feel so nervous~”  
I grabbed our notepad that we left by the phone, wrote a quick memo of “Love you, Sora” on it and put it on the coffee table.

I took all of the cleaning products out of the cleaning cabinet, opened them up, tipped them upside down over the sink and let them drain out- even the brand new ones. Every. Single. Bottle. I went and found the lighter mom used for candles and took the brooms and mops and brush scrubs out back and set the ends on fire, waited till they burned out then ran the hose over them.

…Then I proceeded to trash the house.

I took all of the food out of the fridge, out of their containers, and threw it all over the floor. I unplugged the fridge, forcefully bent one of the prongs so it couldn’t be used. I then decided to do the same to every single plug in the house. I took out all of the light bulbs, gathered them in a garbage bag, then proceeded to stomp on them. When that was done, I tossed the pieces on her bed. I took scissors to the sheets and couch and everything with cloth material I could get my hands on. I left her clothes alone. After all, if I left her some hope, she’d be extra upset after she found out what I’m gonna do to the damn washer…

I stood on the counter and got just a little loud. I did what was most important, so if they came in now, it would still be okay. Not completely satisfying, but enough.  
“…And now I’m stuck~  
You’ve got me stuck~  
…Fuck it~”  
I tossed all of our glassware out of the cupboards and onto the floor with the food. No saving that unless you want to eat glass. I should totally shatter her DVDs too… Maybe put them all in the wrong cases for good measure. Take all the pens and pencils while I’m at it. It was the little things after all. Take all the paper and pens so she couldn’t organize it on paper what she’d need to fix the house. I didn’t hear Riku or Kairi come in, but they sure as hell saw the mess. Kairi said something to me and I took an earphone out. “What?”

“I said what the hell are you doing!? We gotta go and you’re trashing the house!? Your mom is gonna freak!!!” I shrugged and tossed a mug at a wall that wasn’t near either of them. “Well as much emotional distress as she’s put me and Roxas though, this isn’t even half of it.” I replied, getting off of the counter and thinking of what else I could do. “…Sora.” Riku said sternly, wanting us to leave. “…She’s gonna take this out on Roxas the second she has the chance. She may even go to the hospital and attack him before they can stop her from doing so.”

“…You know when I was stuck at your house I realized _why_ my mom never went to see Roxas- if not aside from the obvious. …I filled out a police report. They had me do that while they had mom in the other room and filling out some medical paperwork since I had been the one that had called 911.” I said, realizing I could unorganized all of the dirty clothes too. I can’t believe I forgot to do that while messing up the washer and dryer! I’m so ashamed of myself.

“They could have a temporary restraining order on her or something. Maybe are investigating it or something and just want her away for a little while, who knows. I don’t know, I can probably call and find out later. Either way… She deserves every bit of this.” They both were quiet, but Riku followed me and Kairi didn’t. “Go wait in the car, we’ll be out in a minute.” He grumbled to her. “…And you deserve to get out of here. Stop feeding the monster you have in your head.” He replied to me, forcefully poking me so hard my head got pushed to the side.  
“…I’m gonna feed it as much as I want, I starved it long enough.” I retorted, glaring at him. “…You have two minutes to finish whatever the fuck this is before I drag you out of here, kicking and screaming or resolute and calmly. That all depends on you which one it is.” He said. …Fine. Two minutes. Fucking asshole… I dumped all of the clothes like I wanted and then he dragged me out of the basement and out into the car after locking the house up.

I slammed the door and crossed my arms, glaring out of the window. “…That’s not gonna make you feel any better, you know.” Riku said. Kairi’s uncle looked back in the mirror, looking a bit confused, but didn’t ask. Kairi also kept glancing over at me. “…Like hell it didn’t.” I said, smirking and slouching in my seat. I can practically see her freaking out in my head right now and this was completely worth it.

…For now anyways.

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

“You’re in a really good mood today.” Roxas observed. “…Really? Is it that obvious?” He nodded slowly, smiling a bit at me. “Something good happen?” He asked, looking at me with curious eyes. “…Yup. I took care of so much needed business. I didn’t get to stay there to watch it all play out, but I did my part.” He seemed genuinely happy for me even though he didn’t know that my “business” consisted of me trashing our house.

We talked casually for a bit and watched cartoons, Roxas comfortable enough with me now to let me sit on his bed instead of in the chair. His head would hurt really often, so sometimes I’d turn the TV down or off completely and just sit with him. “…You know if you want, I can bring you books or something.” I offered. “If the words hurt your head, you can just let me read to you.” I offered. “…Really? You would?”

I nodded. “Sure! You’ve got a lot of books, you know! I wouldn’t mind reading some of them to you- you did it for me a lot as a kid.” I offered a memory that he didn’t seem to have again. Regardless, he accepted letting me read to him and got pretty excited about it- much like a little kid. He was quiet in his happiness, but it showed on his face and he started fussing a bit at the thought of it. …I liked this. His memory missing was terrible, but if it got him to smile this easily… I hope my brother never recovered.

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

The next time I came to see him, I asked if my mother had been in. Surprisingly, she hadn’t. She hadn’t tried to get in contact with me either… This wasn’t going to end well, I could feel it in the base of my skull and the pit of my stomach… I gently knocked on Roxas’ door, watching him wake himself up. He had apparently dozed off while watching TV- the news again. Boooorriiiiing! “Hi, sleepy head.” I said, flashing him a smile.

He seemed to try to wake up quicker, giving me a warm smile. “Good morning.” I shut the door behind me and sat on the seat near him, glancing at the TV. “…I told you this stuff was boring- look at it- putting you to sleep!” He chuckled a bit and it practically made me beam I was so excited to see him happy. “…Oh, yeah uh! I brought you a book!” I offered, setting the massive tome on his lap. “…I… I read things like this?” He asked, looking up at me with extreme confusion. “It’s actually a lot of different novels from the same series in one print, but you read them all. This was one of my favorites that you’d read to me.” I said, remembering all of the nights we’d spend in a closet with a flash light or book like while he read to me this story I had come to adore.

“It’s so… Big.” He said, simply and at a loss for words. I chuckled, nodding. “I feel like you have no book short of two hundred pages on your shelves.” I took the book from him and waved him aside so I could sit with him. “You have a lot of fantasy and sci-fi stuff. You occasionally have horror books in there, but it’s like the compete edition of H.P. Lovecraft or anthologies of the year’s best fantasy and horror whatever- real heavy stuff. I have no idea how you enjoyed half of it.” I said with a chuckle.

“…Anthology?” He asked, the word not clicking in his head. “Oh uh… It’s kind of like um… Hold on where’s my phone…” I grumbled, pulling it out of my back pocket to google the word for him. “…Uuuuuh, it’s like a collection of poems or short stories or whatever. I just know you’d get upset if I called it that outright sometimes and would always correct me.” I said with a laugh. “…Did I? …I’m sorry.” He said, giving me a sheepish smile. I reciprocated his with a wide one of my own. “No hard feelings! It would be like when you’d mix the names of my sports equipment up! I’m not even kidding I think you called my shin guards my cleats once. I think you did it on purpose just to make me mad, but either way, you did it.” I said with a laugh.

He shrunk into himself a little bit, but it was more out of being shy about the memory. “Ahh! But right, the book! I came to read to my dorky brother!” I said returning to the book. “But um… This _isn’t_ an anthology right- just different stories all in the same book?” I tipped my head, humming. “Well… Yes and no. It’s a series that all go together in the same book.” I reminded, knowing I had told him earlier, but it didn’t bother me much to repeat it. I opened to the first page, opting to get started. “…That’s… a lot of words.” He said quickly. I laughed at him and grabbed for another piece of paper and a pen. “Want to write down any that you don’t remember what they mean?” He nodded quickly and looked determined to do so. …I should really get him a journal or something. The papers were piling up and were probably going to be a problem for the nurses sooner or later.

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

“ _“…Very well. I’ll go. But there’s one thing I jolly well mean to say first. I didn’t believe in magic till today. I see now it’s real. Well, if it is, I suppose all the old fairy tales are more or less true. And you’re simply a wicked, cruel magician like the ones in the stories. Well, I’ve never read a story in which people of that sort weren’t paid out in the end, and I bet you will be. And serves you right.”_  
 _Of all the things Digory had said this was the first that really went home. Uncle Andrew stared and there came over his face a look of such horror that, beast though he was, you could almost feel sorry for him._ ”

I looked over at Roxas to make sure he was keeping up. He had a hard time writing since his hand had been messed up, but he was still trying. I know he also felt bad because he kept interrupting me to ask me what something meant or to clarify something. I had asked the nurse off hand before leaving one day and she said it was encouraged after a point in recovery- just so it wouldn’t make it worse.  
He had been here for two weeks and I hadn’t told anyone who’d worry yet. I didn’t know what to do and I didn’t want to overwhelm him… I turned his phone and computer off and left them all in a spare box under my bed. I also constantly had mine on silent and only replied to Riku or Kairi. I hadn’t been to school either… They kept insisting I go, though…

“…You got it?” I asked while he copied words from the section where I was. I’d read a paragraph or so, then wait for him to catch up. His hand writing was atrocious as usual, but that was alright. “…My letters look weird compared to yours.” He commented, looking upset at his own writing. “…Well,” I placed a bookmark between the pages and turned to him. “You also have to think that you write differently than I do and your hand is messed up. I also heard somewhere that people who have messier handwriting only have that because they want to get all of their thoughts out before they forget.” I said, flashing him a grin.

“Just take your time, alright? There’s no rush.” I reminded. “…But…” he looked dejected and seemed to slump a bit. “Aw, come on! We’re pretty much around page 20! That’s great!” I offered. “Plus you haven’t complained of a headache yet, right?” I offered. He blinked for a minute, then furrowed his brow. “…Actually. I think I _do_ have a headache.” I couldn’t help it and laughed at him. He had been so into the story and writing words and phrases down that he didn’t even notice he had a headache! That was just like him!

I wiped a tear from my eye, sitting upright. “…Did I say something funny?” He asked me, looking confused and a bit hurt. “Ah… Not really, but to me it was. It just seems so like you to be so into a book you don’t even notice that you’re hurting.” …It was escapism. He did it a lot even before and I couldn’t blame him. He did it with his books and music and… “…Did you know you can play the piano?” I offered, setting the book aside for now. “…Really?” I nodded with a wide grin. “I won’t tell you too much since your head is starting to hurt, but…” I took the paper from him and drew a line.

“You can play very nice music and can learn some of it by ear. You can read music like other people read words, though.” I drew some music notes around the word “piano”. “You were really good at it and would play these wonderful sounding songs… Most of the time I think they sounded sad, but that was okay. They still sounded really nice. I think you got embarrassed by people asking about them so much that you stopped.”

I wrote net to the word “piano” with my crude attempt at scale notes the words “embarrassed(?), so you stopped playing”. …I paused, then wrote nearby “(You should try it again when you’re feeling better)”. I offered it to him and he seemed to get embarrassed. “…But… I don’t remember how to. I’ll just mess around and hit keys.”  
“Yeah, but you remember they’re called keys.” I offered. “You could have called them “buttons” or something.” I said with a laugh. “So it’s important to you, even if you did stop. Now that I think about it, even your bo-“ I almost blurted out mentions of Axel. No, no, no… Not yet…!

He looked at me, confused. “…Sora?” He called my name, wanting me to continue. “…Ah, it’s nothing! Sorry! That’s a whole other set of memories for another day!” I said, sliding off of the bed. “Want me to get you some water?” I offered, wanting to push my fault with words as quickly out of his head as possible. “If you want I can drag you with me~” I offered. It was just down the hall, but being stuck in this room all the time must be so boring! His eyes seemed to practically light up at the offer.

“…Okay.”

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

There was whooping and loud laughter and lots of wheelies with the wheelchair and I may or may not have ran from a few nurses who tried to catch and/or scold us with him in tow and he may or may not have covered his eyes half the time and had the IV resting in his lap so it wouldn’t separate from him, but it was fun. “We… We were just getting water!” Roxas offered, his demeanor brighter than normal. The doctor in charge of him raised his thick eyebrow skeptically while stroking his long beard. Apparently, we had just run into the head doctor… “…W-We were…!” He tried again. The doctor looked to me with his narrow eyes and I sheepishly looked away. “…J-Just getting water, sir…!” He snorted, clearly not believing our obvious lie.

“…If you’re going to run around with him, please do it outside with a nurse just in case and make sure the IV doesn’t slip or get caught on anything.” The doctor said simply, inspecting it to make sure it was still lodged in my brother’s arm. So… He wasn’t too mad then! I checked his name tag, but his long beard obscured part of the name tag, only leaving me with something “-n Sid”. I looked down at Roxas and shot him a grin, which he couldn’t help but return. “Now, the two of you, back to the room or I’ll have to send your brother home.” He threatened. “Aw!” Roxas’ reply was almost instant and it made me laugh. “Go on. Upstairs- use the _elevator_ this time!” He called after us. I quickly whipped Roxas around and headed in the proper direction of the elevators this time.

“…I’ve never gotten headaches that badly since I’ve been here.” He said, but the smile on his face didn’t go away. “You may get motion sick easily now.” I offered. “…But either way, he said we can take you outside soon!” I reminded, catching the words of choice from the doctor. “ _With_ a nurse.” Roxas reminded, looking up at me. “Yeah, yeah…” I grumbled. “…This is why people would think you’re older.” I reminded. “…No. You seem older.” He replied again. “I honestly don’t know what makes you think that.” I said with a chuckle. “Well… I mean before I couldn’t put it into words at all, but you make sure I’m okay- not just doctor wise.” I almost snorted at “doctor-wise”. “You mean physically?” I offered. “Not “doctor-wise”. That isn’t a thing.”

“S-Sorry…” He grumbled, crossing his arms. I chuckled at him and pushed the button for the elevator. “…But… I can see that… I…” …Should I tell him? “…I’m sorry… I’m sorry I didn’t do a better job. I’m a bad big brother…”I grumbled. The elevator opened and it forced him to stop trying to look up at me without getting him motion sick. “…You used um… What was it- present tense?”

“Past.” I corrected. “Before.” He nodded. “Yeah, that one. …So… You don’t feel like you did a good job of, um…?” He asked while I hit his floor button in the elevator. “Emotionally? How you’re feeling?” I offered. He nodded. “That one. I feel better when you’re here to see me.” It was quiet for a moment while I tried to think of what to say.  
“…No… Not really… I don’t feel like I did a good job, I mean… I _tried_ but I don’t think I did a good enough job. I got frustrated with you really quickly sometimes too when I thought you were being stubborn…” I admitted, my mind running through so many, _many_ times I had gotten into fights with him because he wouldn’t see things my way or do them how I wanted. I only did that because I thought it would work out better for him- …for us. Like when I tried to get him to come with me and Riku… He was so stubborn…!

It was quiet in the elevator as it made its way to his floor, then opened with a ding and I wheeled him out. “…I don’t remember any of that.” He said simply. “…I try and I try… And nothing seems familiar to me at all. Sometimes I don’t even remember part of your visits until I reread what you wrote down for me. It’s completely empty in my head…” He said, holding his hands quietly in his lap. “…So… You don’t need to feel bad. I won’t get angry or upset over something I don’t remember. It’s like telling someone you don’t know all of this.” He said, looking up and down the hallway, almost wistfully.

“You said you tried- I don’t think it’s fair to say if you did a lot or a little, you still did it for me. There’s… There’s kind of no point to telling me really, but I _do_ want to know who I was. I mean, I feel bad that you do over whatever it was that happened, but… I don’t really worry about that kind of thing, so… I don’t think you should either. It’s not fair to you.” He looked up at me… And it kind of scared me how wide his eyes were. Were they usually that big? It was almost like he had the vast plains of space itself back there and it was terrifyingly empty and yet so full of wonderful things- and life…

My brother was amazing.

I took him back to his room and helped him back into his bed- which was mostly on my end since he was still _really_ incapacitated. “…You know we never got you that water.” I remembered after getting him all settled in again. Roxas snorted and flopped sideways on his hospital bed. “…We didn’t, huh?” He said, not sitting himself upright. “…Nope.”  
“…This was more refreshing anyways.” He said with a smile. Word play- he was getting better.

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

“…So how is he?” Riku asked, putting a bag of food on the counter. It was probably take out. Kairi had convinced her parents to let me stay at their beach house, true to her word. She was quick to follow up to tell me that she made sure they would _never_ tell my mom. Riku drove me to and from, Kairi usually tagging along, so we basically were all living here for a while now. “He’s getting a bit better. Doesn’t remember anything per usual and sometimes has a hard time remembering even things from earlier in the week, but he’s settling into some old habits, I’ve noticed.” I offered.

“Such as?” Kairi asked, taking her order of Chinese food out of the plastic bag and putting it on the table. “He does little things, like word play on occasion- which he seems really proud of-, how he’ll glance away when he talks and can’t ever look you in the eye unless he’s excited, how he covers his mouth when he’s laughing, when he rubs the back of his neck when he’s embarrassed… Things like that.” I offered.

Kairi peeled her chop sticks apart and started eating her food while Riku gave me mine and sat next to me. “…You know I should just convince my parents to let us all live up here.” Kairi said absentmindedly while eating. “Didn’t Sora say we should do that when we were kids- live together I mean?” Riku asked while shooting me a cocky grin. “Oh my gosh I think he did!” Kairi said, her face lighting up at the memory. “S-Shut up!” I grumbled, taking the lid off of my food. “Well would ya look at that? Spoiled little Sora got his wish~” Riku cooed at me, practically nipping at my neck. “S-Stop it…!” I grumbled, pushing him away.

Kairi laughed at the display, probably considering it a dinner and a show. “…So um… Has your mom tried to talk to you at all?” She asked, making the mood dim down to something heavier. “…No. I’m honestly surprised. She’s so quick to get angry with us over anything… After what I did to the house I’m surprised she hasn’t tried to murder me…” I offered, looking down at my food. “I know… It’s honestly making me a little worried… Do you think maybe… She realized she messed up and is actually going to leave you two alone?” She offered.

“…I doubt it. She never leaves messes unattended.” I said sarcastically and soaked in bitterness. Riku put his chopsticks down and turned to me in his chair, putting his arm over the back of mine. “…Hey. No matter what happens, we’re both here for you. You know that.” Yeah but… Who’s gonna be there for Roxas? I still haven’t told Axel or anyone from his work or at school, or… I… “…I know…” I croaked. How was I going to tell them? Would they all try to come at once? I mean it’s not like he asks why no one else has come to see him… So why should I bother with it right this second? He’s perfectly happy to see just me, isn’t he?

Besides, what if one of his friends get angry after they hear what happened? I know Axel is kind of a wildcard to being with, yet alone whoever else my brother ended up hanging out with… I just.. What would they do…? If they acted anything like me they’d… They’d scare him. But it also wasn’t fair of me to…! “Sora. Breathe.” Riku reminded me and it snapped me back. I realized I was hyperventilating. “I-! I’m gonna go run some laps around the house…!” I quickly decided, getting up and abandoning my food and friends if only for a little while. What should I do…?

What do I do…?

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

I felt Riku run his hand through my hair once before settling on a spot to scratch small circles in while I stared numbly at the ceiling. “…You feeling any better?” He asked, my hair still wet from the shower I had earlier. “…No. I don’t want to go to school because I know the moment I do Axel is gonna hunt me down and ask me where the hell his boyfriend is and why he hasn’t been answering his calls and why I haven’t been either- I wouldn’t be surprised if he goes to our house…”

“So you’re worried about all of his friends?” Riku asked, turning on his side. “More specifically the boyfriend?” He reaffirmed. “He’s gonna kill me!” I shot up from the bed, the horror washing over me. “He was like super crazy about keeping my brother safe and it…! He’s totally not okay right now…!”

Axel had a _talk_ with me a long while ago. It was one of the first time’s Roxas had been over to his house and I had come over later. He had pulled me to the side while Roxas was in the bathroom. He said he only had one question for me and I needed to answer it before Roxas came back or he’d never forgive me. Honestly, he scared me… The expression on his face was completely dark and almost a bit coy, as if still trying to keep the mood light with me.

…But… I had known better. So he eventually asked his question- and it was about Roxas’ bruises and why he was so small and I wasn’t. I stuttered, and he harshly told me to stop stalling and answer outright. He said he wouldn’t bring it up after I told him- to me or to Roxas. So long as I answered honestly. He then said he’d make it easier on me- does Roxas do it to himself or does someone do it to him or both? …I think I almost had puked when he asked me. My brother would never hurt himself like that…

I had gotten so angry with him, but he kept pressing me for an answer so I told him no. No he doesn’t hurt himself. So he asked me who it was. Boyfriend, girlfriend, bully, me- I got really angry and it showed, but he kept prattling off a list- parent,…? He apparently noticed how I stiffened at the word “parent” and then said I didn’t need to answer anymore. Roxas came back and Axel was quick to resume his pleasantries and shower us with junk food for the rest of the night with the movie.

“…He’s gonna honestly strangle me to death, I can see it…!” I hissed, the thought as clear to me as the feeling of Riku’s hand in my hair a few moments ago. Riku sighed and sat up, pulling me back down to the bed. “…Just relax, okay? If you tell him sooner rather than later, that’s all on you, but you’re going to have to face him eventually. The same can be said about you going to school. I’ve been getting your work and your mom apparently even put in some home-bound notices to your teachers, but also the fact that if Kairi or I got the work for you it was just fine. I can’t tell you about Roxas since they wouldn’t tell me, though. You can do it here, but sooner or later you’re going to have to go back there, you know. You can’t just spend your entire senior year cooped up in this beach house and that hospital.” He reminded.

“…Watch me.” I grumbled, turning over and burying my face in his chest. He snorted and rubbed circles into my neck. “…Come here, baby doll.” He said, pulling himself away from me and putting me on my stomach. “You stress so much like that you’re going to get yourself sick. Deep breaths.” He reminded, rubbing circles that turned into patterns only he could make out into my shoulders, back, arms, hips, and legs.

“…I just…” I sighed heavily. “…Even if it’s only to the store to get food with me. You can’t just keep going from point A to B without any kind of change. I know how you are and that’s not good for you. You’re a busy body and sitting still like this is going to kill you.” He reminded, fingers running up my shirt. “…Riku sometimes I feel like I’m dating an advice column.” I said with a snort. “Suck my dick.” He spat back, making me laugh into the pillows. “There, better!”

“Oh? Me making provocative comments to you is better?” He asked, pressing his weight onto my back. I grunted, but chuckled. “Yes! You don’t see that in advice columns!”  I grunted in reply. “No, you get that in those dirty porn mags, you eye.” He hissed, running his hands up my sides. “N-No I don’t!” I replied back, getting flustered as I tried to turn to face him. “Oh right, excuse me. Porn is now more easily accessible via your brother’s laptop and an incognito tab.” He chuckled and nipped at my neck. “You’re a jerk, get off!”

“Make. Me.” I groaned and pushed at him. “You’re like, five-years-old!” I grunted, still trying to get him off of me. …I was also not feeling him up at the same time. No way. I’d already felt that up. I could do it another time. “Yeah? Then you’re three-years-old!” I flailed, trying to get him off of me. “Get off! You’re a big loOSSERAAHHAHAHA!” He had started tickling me and I knew I had lost. Cheater!

He tickled me until I couldn’t breathe and kept kissing absentminded kisses onto my neck and jaw. When he finally felt that I was sufficiently tired out from trying to push him away, he got off of me and pulled me on top of him. He held my hands and looked up at me for a moment, just staring. “…I feel like this is the part where I resume our serious conversation and mention using my brothers as a threat if I need to but I really don’t want to.”

I snorted loudly. “Oh please don’t! Kadaj would flip out in so many different ways that he’d make it a bigger mess than what we started with, Loz would punch something and then probably cry about how it hurts, and Yazoo would just do something really weird while no one was looking, I don’t even wanna…” I grumbled and looked off at a wall. “They probably would! I don’t put it past them!” Riku said, completely in agreement about his older brothers. “Remember, you ever try to call me weird, just remember that I’m related to _that_ , so I’m as normal as they come.” He reminded, making me laugh.

I leaned down and just laughing into his collar bone. I loved him. So much. I had been so upset and he was so quick to say something or go off on a rant that would distract me. Everything he did, he did with a purpose. I adored it and other times it drove me up a wall, but it was one of his most predominant traits. I eventually sat back up and looked down at him while he rubbed circles into my hand. “…You should cut your hair soon. It’s getting really long.” I offered. “…You think? How short should I cut it?” He pulled one hand away to tug at some strands that were in his face. “I don’t know, it’s your hair. Do what you think is best.” I offered, leaning down and kissing the hand that was tugging at his hair. “…I may just let Kairi have it with some scissors. I’ll deal with the weed-whacker jokes.” He said with a shrug.

“…It’s Saturday tomorrow, right? You wanna do that? Go buy some hair scissors and bribery food for Kairi?” I offered, referencing how he wanted me to go other places aside from just the hospital. “…Sure.” He leaned up and kissed me, pulling me down by the base of my neck. “Maybe have all three of us go mess around in an arcade after it’s all gone.” He offered. It was supposed to be a distraction from Roxas and I knew it… But still… “…Okay.”

He kissed me again, and lingered before pulling away. “…You wanna sleep like this?” He offered. I didn’t mind it. “Sure.” I wiggled down a bit, letting my head rest under his chin. “…I love you, you nut.” Riku said after a moment of silence. “…I love you too. Thank you… For putting up with me I mean…” He snorted and I felt his chest bounce a bit with the motion. “You kidding me? I practically signed on for crazy town when I still decided to be your friend when we were nine and carried this really heavy rock on your back all the way to my house with worms hanging out of your hair as you called yourself a slug.” I sat up and smacked his chest. “I was _nine_ and you had been angry with me so I was trying to make you laugh!”

“Oh-ho, and it _sure_ worked!” He reminded me, laughing at the image of nine year old me on his doorstep. “Shut up!” I hissed. He craned his neck down and kissed me, still smirking. “No way! I’m gonna laugh as much as I want.” I grumbled and rolled off of him and onto the bed. “This is why you don’t date your best friend and then sleep in the same bed as them- it’s like a sleepover every night cuz neither one of them can shut up.” He hummed and wrapped his arms around my middle and nibbled at the back of my neck. “Or they turn into sexy sleepovers.” I’m gonna- “…Riku! Bed!”  
“Ow, okay! I was kidding!”  
“No you weren’t! We don’t have any particular time to be anywhere tomorrow, you totally weren’t kidding!”  
“…And?”  
“Riku- no- _fingers_!”  
“What about them~?”  
“N-Noooo…!”  
“You’re not exactly being consistent with your words and body, Sora.”  
“S-Stoooop…!”  
“Hmmmm, you don’t want me to~”  
.  
.  
.  
“…Ahhhnnn~”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Come on, don’t lie. Uncle Kronk would be the best damn thing ever. Lol Riku’s bros are from Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children, you’re welcome.  
> Also, god damn it Sora the fic wasn’t supposed to go this way you damn nut…  
> Also, yeeees Roxas was getting The Chronicles of Narnia read to him!


	34. Sunset Reds and Dawn Blues

Chapter XXXII: Sunset Reds and Dawn Blues

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

We got up a bit latter than I had wanted to. I liked getting up early, but… Sometimes when you sleep in the same bed as your boyfriend he decides last minute that he wants to touch you and it just kind of… I sat up and stretched, knowing there would probably finger marks on my lower back and hips. I didn’t mind them really- I only minded when they got touched and they hurt. We messed around more than we actually had sex, but I wasn’t going to complain. Riku still did a good job of making sure I enjoyed it.

I put some regular clothes on, did a few laps around the house, showered and then came down to eat something. “Morning!” Kairi greeted me and popped a piece of toast into my mouth and placed a pear into my hand. “Mofen.” I replied back, the food still in my mouth. “Riku said he’s out in the car, so get going!” She said, smacking my back and wandering into the other room. Already? Jeeze, he really did waste no time…

I put my shoes on and called a “See you later!” to Kairi before running out to his car. “I figured aside from the scissors, we could go actual food shopping since we’ve been eating a lot of take out.” Riku offered as I got into the car. “Okay.” I know he doesn’t like when people ate in his car but… He rushed me! What else was I supposed to do? He kept eying me as I ate the toast, but seemed a bit easier about the pear.

When we got to the store, he let me push and practically piled so much crap into the cart that we could have hidden a dead body in there. “…Are we actually going to use all of that?” I asked curiously, looking over the massive mound at him. “Sure we are. Kairi and I can cook decent enough, so between the two of us and google, we’ll be okay. It’s mostly practical base stuff really. Like say if you want pancakes tomorrow, there’s flour, eggs, and butter. If Kairi wants to zest them up or whatever, there’s also sugar, cinnamon, almond extract, and vanilla extract in there. Like I said, mostly base stuff.”

Check out took forever, but putting it all in the car wasn’t much worse. It was the thought of how I was going to have to help put drag it all and then unpack it in the kitchen that sucked… Being an adult sucked. …Well I mean I wasn’t, but we were technically living as them at Kairi’s beach house. So it was like getting a taste, really.

True to my thoughts on the matter, dragging it all in the house and sorting it all out was the biggest pain ever, but not as much as it could have been. Kairi didn’t mind storing all of the fridge food while Riku worked on cupboard stuff and they had me just unpack it all and put it in a general spot of fridge, freezer, or otherwise.

After that, we watched a few episodes of whatever was on TV before Riku bugged Kairi about cutting his hair. “…Hm? Yeah, that’s fine, I don’t mind.” She stretched and got up, Riku following her. They set up a chair in the middle of a spare room without much in it and got to work.

“Don’t cut it too short- Sora like something to grab at.” Riku joked with her, making Kairi snicker. “N-No I don’t, shut up!” I retorted. “Awww, he’s borderline cursing, he’s getting upset~” She cooed, taking the scissors to his hair. I flushed and looked away while Riku laughed once more and proceeded to hold still for her. …It almost kind of hurt to watch this. I really did like his long hair now that I thought about it. I’d never seen him with anything short before- even as kids. Oh man I don’t know if I can watch her cut his hair like this…

I wandered out of the room, quietly wandering through the expansive beach house again. It wasn’t exactly a mansion, but it was large. There were lots of rooms and each were decently sized. There were three bedrooms and one master bedroom, all upstairs, and Kairi had her own bedroom while Riku and I shared another regular bedroom. The kitchen was large and had a nice little island in the middle of it that I liked to sit at with a dining room that didn’t lead to anything else coming off of it.  
The living room was pretty much a decorated sitting space with a TV and Kairi told me it was barely used since everyone was outside most of the time anyways whenever her family was here. There was a sunroom with a deck and it was adorned in plants and kind of made me feel like I was in a little, not-as-warm greenhouse. There were two bathrooms, one upstairs and one downstairs. The one downstairs had a tub that could practically double as a hot tub and it was really great…

I wandered the house three or so times before Kairi called for me. “Do you want your boyfriend’s hair as a memento?” She asked, jokingly. “Oh please god don’t offer him that.” Riku said, messing with his shorter hair in a mirror to adjust it to a style he’d like. “…It’s… It’s so short…” I couldn’t stop myself from running my hands into it. “There’s like nothing there…!” He laughed at me and leaned back to kiss me. “What do you think?” I kept running my hands through it and I wasn’t used to his hair just _stopping_ after a certain point.

“…I _don’t_ … _know_.” I replied honestly and kept doing it. He laughed at me and turned around, showering my face in kisses. I’m sure I looked lost. His hair. It was all gone… WHERE WAS HIS HAIR!? I just… “I don’t understand.” I kept grabbing at his hair and he found my reaction funny I guess because he kept laughing at me. “You’ll get used to it.” He offered, kissing the shell of my ear before pulling away. “NO I’M NOT DONE!” I yelled, locking my fingers in his hair.

“…Well christen all the rooms why don’t ya…” Kairi mumbled while she swept up the mess that used to be on my boyfriend’s head. “WAIT I WANT THAT!” I hollered, ignoring the implicational comment she had made. “NO YOU DON’T!” Riku replied, his voice’s volume and pitch instantly matching mine. “YES I DO!”  
“KAIRI WHY WOULD YOU OFFER HIM THAT IN THE FIRST PLACE?!”  
“Pfthaha…! He would have acted like that if I did or didn’t offer it to him!”  
“NO HE WOULDN’T, YOU PUT THE IDEA IN HIS HEAD!!”  
“KAIRI PLEASE, JUST ONE LOCK THAT’S ALL I NEED!”  
“GODDAMN IT, SORA, NO!”  
“Ahahahahaha!”

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

“Look at that ridiculous amount of tickets, holy crap.” Riku said, honestly in disbelief that Kairi had the same amount of starter coins as us. She was practically ticket princess right now, it was ridiculous. And to rub it in even more so, she was wearing them like a feather boa.  “Boys are just jealous because I’m good at the gambling games and DDR~” She cooed. “DRR doesn’t even give out tickets, your just saying that because you beat me in it!” Riku retorted. I chuckled at the pair, wondering who had come in third between us. I wouldn’t doubt it if Riku had beat me, but I wasn’t going to cut myself out of the race just yet. We looked pretty close.

We went to the ticket machines and they ate our paper currency for the arcade, Kairi’s only downfall was her taking much longer than Riku and I. “…So how many’d you get.” He asked, peering over my shoulder to look at my ticket. “Nuh-uh, you first!” I retorted, holding it close to my chest. “No way, I asked first.”  
“You finished first!”  
“Lades, ladies! You’re both beautiful.” Kairi called from her ticket machine. We both shot her a look, then resumed looking at the other. “…Trade off?” He offered. I could trust him, or I could trust that he wouldn’t let me take his ticket. Either way…

We held the edges of the other’s ticket with our final count on it and counted down from three, switching on one. “…What?!”  
“Aw, yes!” I jeered. I beat him by thirty tickets! “…Whatever. I still beat you at the racing games. You always sucked at those.” He reminded me, just to rub it in. I stuck my tongue out at him and took my ticket back. “Whatever, you’re just a sore loser.” I teased, handing his back. He rolled his eyes and pressed it back to my chest. “Keep it. You know I never want anything they have here, anyways.”

I smiled up at him. “…W-What?” I kept smiling. “…You’re weirding me out, _what_?” I’m sure I looked like a moron with how I was letting my smile progress, but he deserved every bit of this SpongeBob level “you like krabby patties don’t you, Squidward” look. “…Nothing.” I said, pulling away and _finally_ letting the smile drop. “…You’re so weird, sometimes…” He grumbled, glancing away from me. He was a big liar and he knew it. One of his favorite parts was looking at all of the junk that he could totally get afterwards.

Still, I noticed whenever he lost to me in terms of how many tickets we won at the arcade, he gave his ticket to me. I tried it once and he just shoved it back in my face and wouldn’t let me. He’s a big dork and I love him very much. When Kairi was done, we _finally_ went to go look at the prizes. Kairi ended up getting this ridiculously sized strobe light she could hang from her ceiling while I got a mini drum set and then lots of odds and ends and junk food with what was left over. I shared things like the nerds rope and the really long laffy taffy with Riku.

“We need to throw a party or something with this, oh man…!” Kairi said, hauling her huge disco-ball-rotating-strobe-light to Riku’s car while he bit the other end of the junk food hanging out of my mouth. It was excessively long, so it’s not like there was any kind of direct PDA or anything, but it still embarrassed me a bit. “I agree, I agree. Beach house, three teenagers alone, giant lights, totally. May as well ask my brothers for booze and firecrackers while we’re at it.” He added sarcastically. “…Oh my god, can you?! I mean we gotta be careful not to burn anything down, but can you imagine how sick that would be?!” Kairi asked, the thought of our little party clearly making her heart race fast enough to go to outer space and leave the stars they collected in her eyes she was so excited.

“Kairi- _no_.” Riku said sternly. “Awww, you’re no fun! Tell him Sora!” She asked, turning around to me and walking backwards for a bit. “…She is right, you can be pretty lame sometimes.” I admitted with a serious nod, but my expression being far from it. “No, you two are both just crazy. If I wasn’t here, you two would probably have been arrested for something by now!”

Kairi turned back around so she wouldn’t run into anything else. “You know that’s on my bucket list- do something illegal.” She admitted. “…I feel like you’re either going to try to rob a place or just outright murder someone if you get old enough.” I told her my instant thoughts on that topic.

“Well I mean it makes _sense_! If I’m old enough, what are they gonna do- put me in jail for four years until I die? Really? Congratulations!” Kairi said while turning around to face us again while making as much as a sarcastic wave with her hands as she could without dropping her disco ball. Riku snorted. “Remind me to stay away from you when your old- then again, if it’s unavoidable, I may just actually _ask_ for you to end me if I’m going be stuck with you two loonies.”

“Heeeey!”  
“Heeeey!”

“…Yup. Put that on my list- be on the dead end of Kairi’s murder wish on her bucket list.” Kairi rolled her eyes as we got to the car, Riku popping the trunk for her. “It’s not a murder wish, it’s just to do something illegal!”  
“You’re driving and attempt thereof is illegal…” He grumbled. I laughed and got into the back seat with Kairi. “Jeeeerrrrrk! Sora, can I ask you something really quick?” Kairi asked, turning to me while Riku started his car. “You’ve seen him naked right? Well is his junk small? Because like it’s gotta even out if like 90% of his personality is just him being a dick, right?” I burst out into hysterical laughter. “Ha-ha, Kairi. Make as many dick jokes as you want, you’re still a B and everyone with eyes knows it.” She smacked the back of his headrest as hard as she could and I fell off of the back seat and onto the floor their argument was so funny to me.

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

 “A… a rehabilitation facility?” I repeated again. “Yup. Yer mom came in and filled out the paperwork yesterday.” The nurse at the counter said. “She didn’t tell ya?” She asked quizzically. “I don’t even _live_ with her right now.” I replied, shocked. “…Well, since yer family, I can give you what ya need ta know, sweetie.” The nurse said, turning so I could read her name tag: Clarabelle. She stood up and went through some files behind her, being a lot taller than you’d assume she would be sitting down. “…Aha, here it is!” She pulled out a file and turned around to me, giving me a notepad and a pen. “Here ya go, sweetie.” She said, offering me the paperwork. “I can’t let ya take it, but ya can certainly look over it and write down as much as ya’d like from it.”

“Can I… Can I go with him when they transfer him?” I asked, worried my mom may lie and try to take him somewhere else or worse- home. “Well I don’t see why not, but I’ll ask around ta be sure.” She said, giving me a wide smile. I sighed, my nerves felt like they were set on fire from this new progression. …Okay, so this wasn’t set to happen for another few weeks… “Did anyone tell him?” I looked up and asked the nurse. She shook her head. “I don’t think so.” Good… This is way too much in such a short amount of time…! This is… This is a train wreck! This is a mess!

I copied practically the entire transfer form. “If anything changes, I don’t care if it’s today or day of, can you _please_ make sure someone tells me as soon as possible?” I asked, practically dancing in place with nervousness. “Of course.” She said with a heady nod. “Why, I’ll even tell the other nurses in case I’m not workin’ that day!” I sighed heavily. “Thank you so much…!” She nodded and stole two lollipop from her jar and put it on top of my nervous scribbles. “Don’t you fret, darlin’, okay? He’s gonna be alright. And that includes even if he doesn’t remember- he’ll adjust and love ya just the same. I mean how can ya not with such a cute smile?” She offered while complimenting me. It made me blush a bit. …Were we making a big deal here? Maybe it was the twin thing…

I hope not… I thanked her and took the sweets with me, popping mine in my mouth while heading to Roxas’ room. I had a present for him today, so hopefully he’d believe the nerves were from wanting to give him someone and not what just happened… Besides, I should be able to cover it up well enough. I knocked on his door, his doctor in the room, his doctor in with him and asking him a question while checking his IV bags. …Bags? Pouches? Whatever…

“…ot reall- Sora!” He stopped midsentence to greet me. I chuckled at him. “Well hello to you too!” He practically seemed to beam at the sight of me. “Well I guess this means my time in here is up. I’ll be out of your way in just a few seconds, boys.” The doctor said, making some final adjustments. “Oh, no, no rush, you’re okay!” I offered, shaking my head while still in the doorway. He chuckled, but still opted to leave anyways. “No, it’s alright. Just be sure to tell a nurse if you’re going to take him out of the room again.” He reminded.

I sheepishly looked down and nodded. “O-okay.” He patted my head and squeezed by me, letting me be alone with Roxas. “Hey, you.” I said, coming over and sitting on his bed. “I have _two_ things for you today.” I first offered him the lollipop, which he quickly unwrapped and put in his mouth. His eyes grew wide and he practically seemed to start glowing. “This is really good!” Did they not let him have anything to eat aside from hospital food? Really? Huh… I at least hope he was eating it.

Secondly, I offered him the bag I had been carrying. “Present!” I said, the paper poking out from the bag being in bright hues of green and pink. “…Did I do something?” He asked, being hesitant to accept it. “You woke up this morning- now open it!” I said, giving him the first lame excuse that popped into my head. He reached past the wrapping paper and into the bag and pulled out the notebook I had bought for him. It was black leather with a simple clasp on the front with white stitching.

His eyes were wide as he inspected it, gently opening it and inspecting the pages. “There’s also these little dividers that came with it so you can separate stuff- I figured instead of keeping all of those loose-leaf sheets, you can put it all in here. One for like people, another for words, one for just you- or whatever, it’s yours, you can do what you want with it. I’ll get you another one if you fill this up or run out of space in a section, just don’t forget to tell me.” I offered. “Oh yeah- there’s more, open it up!” I offered, putting the bag back on top of the notebook. He looked even more surprised and reached his hand in, pulling out the multi-colored, 8mm tipped pens.

“I figured you could also color code stuff so it doesn’t all look the same. Even if it’s just changing the color every time you change a topic or person or word or whatever, it’d still be easier, right?” I offered. “…Sora…” Was all he seemed to be able to manage. He looked at the pens and the notebook, up to me, then back down to his present. He then eventually broke the cycle and tossed his arms around me, crushing the bag they had been in between us. “Thank you so much!” I couldn’t help but laugh a little bit and hug him back. “You’re welcome! I’m glad you like them.” He pulled away and nodded several times, clearly very excited.

“They’re really nice, thank you so much!” He said again, clearly wanting to use them right away. I didn’t stop him and he wrote in his tiny, scrawled lettering on the head of each page with the devisor what each part was for, taking his time not to mess up and make it legible. The first section he wrote his name, the second he wrote “people”, and the third he wrote “words” all in black. He took to filling out the “people” section first since it was the smallest.

“Favorite color?” He asked me eagerly. “Mmm… Red!” I replied after reminding myself quickly. He took the red pen out and I was his first entry in the “people” section of the notebook. He asked me when I had first come to see him and it took some thought, but I managed a date and he wrote it in the notebook. He crossed out some things on the loose leaf paper, leaving the things about himself there. He started at the colors for a long while before deciding on blue again. He wrote everything I had told him about himself in the first page and dated it the same way he had the first.

He then took to some words, but midway through his hand started to hurt, so he had to stop. “…I really wanna finish.” He said, bouncing a little. I chuckled at him. “Okay. I’ll give you time to catch up, so I won’t read to you today. Sound fair?” He nodded and we opted for watching TV for a bit before I called a nurse and wheeled him around the hallway for a while- calmly. …I swear. The nurse can vouch for us. She in no way shape or manner let us run circles in her wing while looked up on occasion to watch us go by from her desk. No way. Clarabelle wouldn’t do that. Nope. She was a mature and responsible adult!

Clarabelle eventually shooed us closer and told us we needed to go back to the room since Roxas was supposed to have a visitor. “Just say ya were getting’ water!” She said, pulling two cups from her desk for us and then shooing us away. “…I like her.” Roxas decided, making me laugh and nod. “Miss Clarabelle, what’s your favorite color?” He asked her. That, based on what he asked me earlier, meant he was going to write about her too. “Me? Why yellow, deary!” She replied while I wheeled him away to his room. “Gonna add her to your journal?” I asked. He nodded twice and slowly. “Uh-huh.”

…Was the visitor mom? I really hope not… I just hope it was Riku or Kairi coming up to say hello… When we got there, I could tell, even from the back who it was. I pursed my lips and quietly entered. He turned and looked at us, his eyes growing wide at the sight of my brother. “…Roxas.” He spoke his name while taking in a heavy intake of air. “Hello. Did I know you? I mean, you know my name, so…” Roxas asked, his tone light from our run around in the halls earlier.

“Did-“ His entire expression dropped and he looked over at me. “…He um… He’s got some memory problems. Roxas, this is Axel. He used to be your bo-“  
“Best friend.” Axel cut me off before I could finish. I shot him a look of confusion, but he just waved me off. Why did he…? He crouched down in front of him and held his hands. “…Well look at you. You’ve got me so worried and here you are, all smiles.” He said with a scoff, probably laughing at the irony of it all.

“…No one told you I was here?” He asked confused as he tipped his head to the side. “Nope. Nary a soul- almost as if they were trying to hide you or keep you all to themselves.” He said with a laugh, but I know it was directed at me. He was angry with me. “Um, I’ve got to get him back into the bed, so…” I reminded. “Oh it’s okay, I’ll do it.” Axel offered, picking him up before either of us could object. Roxas shot me a worried look that also asked me for help.

“U-Um, actually I don’t think you- ah… er…” By the time I got to that part of the sentence, he already had Roxas’ lower half under his blankets and all squared away. “There.” He rested his elbow in his chin on the edge of the side of the bed. “All better.” Roxas shrunk into himself, avoiding looking at Axel and nibbled his bottom lips. “…Something wrong, Roxy?” He asked, talking to him as if everything was normal.

“Roxy?” He looked up at me for help, confused by the nickname. “Ah- um, Axel I think its best that you don’t confuse him and just call him by his regular name. No nicknames. He’s got enough trouble as it is.” I said, making implications about his current state. “Ho~?” He asked, looking at Roxas with practically dreamy eyes as he ran his fingers over Roxas’.

He clearly looked uncomfortable with Axel being here. “C-Can you… Stop touching me?” He asked, pulling away from him. “Hm? Ah, sorry! I just was really worried so it’s kind of like my subconscious reassurance that you’re really here. You didn’t show up for school the first day and I got a bit worried… Then that day turned into a week and then another and… Man you really had me worried.” He admitted with a laugh. I physically watched him withhold from flicking Roxas in the forehead.

The air in the room was tense and I felt guilty since it was partially my fault. “U-Um, Axel, can I, um… Talk to you in the hall?” He shrugged and got up, finally directing his attention from anywhere else but Roxas. “Sure. Be back in a minute.” He reassured, giving Roxas wink. I could practically hear the pen getting put to the notebook’s pages before the door was even closed all the way.

“…So you wanna tell me what happened and why you never bothered to tell me?” Axel asked, crossing his arms and leaning against Roxas’ door. “…He… I…” I looked away. I don’t understand how Roxas ended up with this guy- he can be really scary… Then again, I guess the same could be said about Riku if you were on the receiving end… I took a breath and decided to start from the beginning.

“…Mom, she… She got into a fight with him- about you I think. She’s always looking for some reason to pick at us- at least that’s how I feel… But… She pushed him and he went through the glass backdoors. It cut him up really bad… It _messed him up_ really bad… He’s got some memory problems and has a hard time moving much since the glass cut some nerve endings on him or something… When I found out I freaked… None of our things are even in that house any more. I actually found out today that he’s not even going to be home after he’s released, she’s planning on putting him in a rehab facility for a while until he can get basic motor functions back.” I looked up at him to see how he was taking it…

He didn’t blink. He was in the same, cold stance he was in when he first asked me what had happened, so I continued. “I… I guess I was kind of scared of freaking him out… He didn’t even know who he was, yet alone me or anyone else so I just didn’t… I didn’t tell anyone. They’d freak and probably overwhelm him. He doesn’t even remember what he had to eat this morning unless he writes it down- and that takes a lot out of him too- yet alone all these people coming to see him…”

“…Oh I see. You consider me just “one of those people”.” He finally replied, peeling himself away from the door. “Wha- n-no I-“  
“Were you expecting me to blab? I’m just as greedy as you, you know- _big brother_.” He said the term as if it was laughable… An insult to me. “I’m not exactly what you’re expecting me to be, here.” He said, opening his arms wide for me to see. “I’d just want to know how he was doing, same as you.” He said, placing his hands on his chest for emphasis. “You act like I was going to bring every customer he’s ever greeted at work here to see him.” He said sarcastically and rolled his eyes. “Or were you expecting me to try see how quickly he could remember so I could go back to clinging to him as much as I liked?” He asked from narrow eyes. I was getting upset…

“…Well you seemed to do as you liked anyways. How’d you even find out?” I finally asked, knowing our mother was somehow involved. “Oh that’s right.” He cooed in a sarcastic tone. “You don’t know what mommy’s been up to, do you? Well, she sent a cute little memo to Oblivion about him being out of commission- or more specifically Marluxia, and at least he had the _decency_ to tell me about it.” I felt my fists clench.

There was practically a standoff between him and me. …He actually was the one to break it. He sighed- heavily- and ran his hand through his hair. “…I love him too, ya know…” He grumbled. “…I know he does stupid things and when _you_ weren’t even at school, it got me even more worried… You couldn’t have even have shot me a text saying he was at least alive?” He asked, looking exhausted. It was then I realized things about his features:

How he slouched, almost as if it was hard to hold himself upright. How his hair was raked back- almost as if constantly running nervous hands through it. How he seemed so tense and uptight, even after calming down. How he seemed like he could just fall asleep where he stood if you let him his eyes were so narrow from exhaustion… “I… I’m sorry…” It was all I could manage and even then, he deserved better than that.

“…So he has no memory of anything?” Axel asked. I nodded, making him scoff. “…Well, there’s two sides to this coin: on one side, it’s a wonderful thing he doesn’t have to remember your mother and you can just say the bruises were from the glass- does he even know about that?” I shook my head while he continued. I don’t think so… “Well, anyways, the other side is the part I don’t like. It took _so long_ for him to open up to me… And now I gotta do it all over again?” He asked with a laugh. “ _Man_ am I gettin’ tired of this…” He said with a heavy sigh. “…He’s lucky he’s cute.” He looked over his shoulder into the room for a moment then sighed and turned to look back at me.

“...Marly and everyone from work wanted to come see him. I’ll tell them the situation in vague detail and I’m sure they all back off, but I’m not so sure about Naminé. They were stuck at the hip every time they were in the room it almost made me question our relationship.” He said with a laugh. “…So I doubt she’ll back off. Man, what a shocker though… It’s just so much to take in… I mean how do you even deal with that?” He asked, shaking his head and looking at me. “…I don’t know…” I admitted. Naminé, Naminé… Which one was that again? The small blonde one, right? I mean I remember him talking to her the most whenever I was there, so… That makes sense I guess.

“…It sucks… Having to come in and have him not know who I am… But at the same time, I get to see him smile a lot more. He’s so much _happier_ , Axel. He gets so excited about little things and he smiles like it’s going out of style and he gets the biggest kick from something as simple as me running him through the halls in that wheelchair… He’s my brother and I’m going to be by his side whether he remembers me or not. I may not make the best decisions about what to do with him like that, but they’re still mine to make.” I reminded him, being firm in my decision to not tell him just yet.

He scoffed and looked away from me. “…So that’s how it is, huh?” His voice was barely above a whisper and I almost didn’t hear him say it. “…I see. Well, I’m going to go tell him I’m leaving- I’m in deserving of a much needed good night’s rest, so if you’ll excuse me…” He turned around and opened the door, Roxas quickly closing his notebook when he saw it was Axel who entered the room. He came in the room and sat by his bed side, spoke gently to him and mused his hair before leaving. He gave me a two fingered salute before leaving the building completely.

I sighed and went back into Roxas’ room. “…Hey.” He looked up at me, his brow furrowed. “… _He_ was my best friend?” I chuckled and nodded. “Hey, you picked him, not me.” I said, sitting on the edge of his bed. “…He’s so… Touchy.” He observed. “…I don’t know if I like that or not…” He admitted. “I honestly don’t think you even liked it when you did know who he was. It’s okay though: You’re entitled to like or dislike whatever you want.”

“Even carrots?” He asked me quickly. “…What?” I asked with a slight laugh. “They get upset if I don’t eat everything on the tray, so I toss the carrots out the window sometimes if it’s open.” He admitted to me. I couldn’t help but laugh at him and nod. “Yes, it’s okay if you don’t like carrots!” I said with a heavy laugh. He seemed relieved at this.

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

“Axel did?” Riku asked, coming up from his crouch by the stove. He and Kairi were in the middle of making dinner and he had just checked on whatever was in the oven. “Yeah… He seemed really mad at me… Did I…” I paused and took a deep breath in, realizing that that wasn’t the right question. “I messed up, didn’t I?” He shrugged. “By who’s standards?” He stole something from the cupboard while Kairi was out of the room and popped it into his mouth. “I… I don’t know…” I grumbled.

“Then who’s to say you messed up?” He asked, sliding in the chair across from me. “You worry too much.” He held my hands, but in the pit of my stomach I still felt guilty… “…I wanna run some laps before dinner…” I grumbled, getting up from my chair, making him let go of my hands. “I’ll go with you. Kairi!” He called into the other room. “Yeah?” She called back. “I’m going out with Sora to do some laps around the house, food’s all yours!”

“Kaaay!” She replied, then we heard something drop. “…I don’t want to know.” He said, shaking his head and took me by my hand to grab some things before we went outside. It ended up in a kind of race- which I lost. Still, Riku was good for giving me a through distraction. I had quickly forgotten how upset I was and was now more upset I lost the race. “One more lap!” I demanded. He snorted and rolled his eyes. “No way. Dinner should be done, don’t be such a big baby about losing.” He chided with a smirk as he headed inside.

I stuck my tongue out at him, but followed him in. Kairi was already finishing up making plates, making them visually appealing as always. “Hey, I was just about to call you guys in.” She said, turning around and greeting us with a smile. “Welp, here we are.”

“Aaaah, ew no! Both of you sweat hogs go shower first, that’s so gross!” She hissed, shooing us from the kitchen with the ladle. “But-“  
“Nope! No objections! Go douse yourselves in hot water and soap!” She demanded, forcing us from the room without actually touching us. Riku wiped his brow and ran his hand down Kairi’s back. She shrieked loudly and chuckled the ladle at him, it missing and lodging itself into the wall. “RIKU THAT’S SO GROSS!” She screeched. He looked at the handle as it bobbed from its new spot in the wall with wide eyes and quickly ran to the bathroom to escape her.

“…Jeeze, Kairi is like super human sometimes, I swear…” He grumbled while taking his shirt off. “Hey, you’re the one who did it, not me.” I retorted with a laugh. “Imagine if that had hit me in the head!” He realized, the mental image of him being in a hospital room across from my brother with brain damage too crossing my mind. “Please don’t, I have more than enough people I care about in the hospital.” He kissed my head and turned on the shower. “Don’t worry. I won’t be.” He reassured and got in. “…Hey Riku?” I asked him, stopping as I messed with my belt. “Yeah?”

“…Do you think… Do you think by the time he gets out of the rehab center that it’ll be past December?” I asked him. He was quiet as I heard him open a shampoo bottle. “…Could be. You wouldn’t _legally_ be stuck with her then.” He knew exactly what I was getting at. “…Do you think… If he’s still kind of messed up that I could be his legal guardian? I mean if he is, he’s going to need one, right?” I watched him through the glass doors of the shower as he rinsed his hair. “I think so- but that’s only if he can’t handle being alone or something. I mean I don’t know if that’s actually a thing or not, but I don’t see why you couldn’t be if it was. Try asking around when you go back to the hospital.” He offered while I finished taking my clothes off and got in with him.

I quietly and quickly washed up, staring at the floor the entire time. I only got pulled out of my own head when Riku leaned down and kissed me. “…Hey, space cadet.” He said with a smile. “Where are you, huh?” He asked, placing both of his hands on either side of my face. “…I don’t know.” I replied, glancing away. “…You’ll be okay. She hasn’t done anything yet, right?” He asked, referring to my mom.  
“…No. But that’s why I’m worried- but… I also know she can’t stand Roxas, so she could be using this as a way of getting rid of him. If I’m willing to deal with him instead, she may deal with losing me in order to get rid of him… And that kind of hurts a bit in all honesty… …You know he hasn’t once asked about her or why no one else would ever come see him. He would just get so excited when I would come to see him that I don’t think he cared much…” Riku leaned down and kissed my forehead.

“It’s okay. Your brother was as much as a space case as you are.” He said with a laugh. “If he wants to know, he’ll ask you. I’m sure you make him feel comfortable enough.” He reassured. We finished showering, my head still in so many places at once that I felt like a Hydra… “…Do you think I should tell the soccer and baseball coach I won’t be doing sports this year?” I asked him as we got out of the shower. “Phill and Hercules? Yeah, I would. I’m sure they’ll understand, though. I had to tell ‘em since I was worried about you needing me for something, but I told them it was a family problem. I really feel like you should come in through- at least turn in all the work you’ve done so far.” He offered.

“…Family problem?” I asked with a chuckle. “You kidding me, this totally is a family problem. He’s not my damn brother but you’re as close as family to me and I’ll kick someone’s teeth in if they try to argue that with me.” I couldn’t help but smile and hug him. “…Thank you. You do so much for me it’s gonna kill me if you ever leave.” I said with a laugh. He snorted and mused my hair. “What with you always losing races to me, you’re going to die first from your unhealthy habits, so no worries there.” I smacked his chest, leaving a huge welt as he laughed at me. “It’s true!”

“Just because you’re faster doesn’t mean you’re more fit, you track jock!” I retorted. “Don’t be mad at me because I place every year.” He said with a smirk. “Go jump in a lake!” I hissed, grabbing my clothes and heading for our room. “Swimming race? Sure, I’ll beat you there, too.” He said with a cocky smile. “I’m gonna- shut up!” He laughed really hard at me, following after me to our room with his clothes in tow as well.

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

When I went to see Roxas again, Axel had beaten me there. Roxas was avoiding looking at him while Axel was prattling on about something. I noticed Roxas clinging to the notebook I had given him as much as he could. I knocked and the door and he looked up with the worried expression he had been trying to hide, but instantly lit up when he saw it was me. “Sora!” His attention was completely gone from Axel (if there had been any there to begin with at least). “Hey. How you doing?” I asked, sitting on the edge of his bed. He attempted to move himself over for me.

“Ah, no just this much is fine!” I reassured, but he still tried to move himself over the best he could. I watched as Axel narrowed his eyes a bit, but didn’t verbally say anything. It made me a bit uncomfortable. “You gonna read to me, today?” He asked excitedly, his back completely to Axel now. “If you want.” He nodded, slowly so he wouldn’t give himself a headache, but with lots of enthusiasm. I chuckled at him. “Okay, okay.” I leaned over him and past Axel to where the book was resting. “Remember what happened last time?” I asked, wanting to see how much he could remember without the notebook. “Umm...” He tipped his head and Axel was completely forgotten about by this point.

Roxas basically relayed the key points of the book to me, if not a bit out of order. So I corrected him on that, then I started reading to him again. Somewhere in the middle, Axel had quietly shown himself out. When I read a chapter or so, I stopped. “…So, um… What do you think about Axel?” I asked while watching him finish writing down one of the words from the book.

“…I don’t know…” He mumbled. “Come on, that’s not true. Talk to me.” I turned to him so I could face him better. “…Well, I mean… He’s really touchy and clingy and talks a little too fast for me and doesn’t explain a lot of what he’s talking about and… And I don’t think I like him very much.” He admitted. “…Yeah?” He nodded, looking guilty.

“…Is that bad?” He asked me nervously, looking like he was going to cry. “No… No, no…! Roxas it’s okay. You don’t have to like him right away!” I reassured, placing my hands over his. “…I don’t?” I shook my head. “No, you don’t. You’re like a totally different person now, so it’s okay if you like different things.” I reassured him, gently squeezing his hands. “If you want to like things you didn’t before and want to not like things you used to, that’s totally okay!” He lowered his head and nodded sheepishly. “…Okay… Thank you.” I nodded and hugged him. “…I’m glad I still like you.” He admitted, making me laugh. “I’m glad you still like me too.”

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

The next time I came to see him, Axel wasn’t there. He had shown me how many people he had put in his notebook. Mostly the desk nurses he talked to on occasion when we were messing around in the hall or who would pop in with junk food for him to share with me. There were three who worked on this floor at that desk: Clarabelle, another nurse who everyone just called Minnie over her real name, and Daisy. They were all sweet on us and let us get away with a lot of things- even Roxas not eating carrots, which he seemed to enjoy _immensely_. Before we’d mess around in the hallways, he’d usually want to chat with them and they seemed completely in love with him.

They were always gushing over him and me as well and it was kind of embarrassing, but Roxas just took it with a wide smile while I took it with a flush to my cheeks. “Now don’t run him into anything like last time!” Daisy lectured, making me sheepishly look away. “I-I won’t!” They were usually pretty good about telling us when a doctor who would get us in trouble was on the floor as well, so that was the only reason I had accidentally run him into something. “…You know, if you two wait a bit, Minnie is going to be here and I’m sure one of us can go with you outside if you want.” She offered.

“REALLY?!” Roxas asked, practically going nuts over the prospect of going outside. Daisy laughed at him, nodding her head. “Yup! You can get pushed around the grounds for a bit- sound good?” She offered, both of us nodding. So we waited patiently for Minnie to arrive, Roxas taking to tacking “Miss” before each of their names for whatever reason. He showed Daisy her entry in his journal in a pretty purple pen that she had gotten for him one day since the only other purple he had was rather dark. In fact, I had noticed a small array of other pen colors being added to the one’s I had given him- the same brand, size, and everything.

Daisy took to drawing a daisy flower next to her name while he showed her, Roxas liking the idea of each person putting something on their page- at least those he felt comfortable with. When Minnie came in, he asked her to draw something as well, and she took to drawing a large, spotted bow on her page by her name. He seemed completely taken with it, then asked me to draw something. I doodled a small and simple crown on my page. When that was done, he made a small note to have Clarabelle draw something on her page in pencil.

Then, Daisy took us outside while Minnie relieved her of her desk job for a while. “I’m technically supposed to be on break now, but what’s it matter?” She said with a wide smile aimed at both of us. We walked around the outside of the hospital, Roxas constantly getting distracted by any and everything to ask what it was or what made it different from the other thing that was similar to it. There were lots of words and crude drawings, but it was cute to look at. He was honestly trying really hard. When I eventually wheeled him back inside, he sighed heavily. “My hand hurts.” He said, closing his journal. I chuckled at him while Daisy patted his head.

“You’re doing really good considering!” She offered, honestly very proud of him. “So how’d you like going outside?” She asked him. Roxas thought to himself for a minute before reply. “…It was very overwhelming and there was a lot of stuff I didn’t get to ask about since I missed it while writing about other stuff.” I laughed at him again, glad it had went well. “Well next time you can try to get the stuff you missed.” I offered. When I took him back to the room, he thanked Daisy for going with us with a wide smile and she was quick to reply with “Any time!” And honestly seemed to mean it.

The rest of my visits with him were generally like that, on occasion I’d do homework while he technically did his own and reviewed what was in his journal, every so often asking for clarification on something he had written down. “…Sora, is your homework hard?” He asked me, looking over my shoulder. “I hate it.” I grumbled, trying to solve this math problem. He watched me for a while before shaking his head and backing off. “It _looks_ hard.” He admitted.

“It is. I’m good with math and science though. It’s English and stuff like it that usually trip me up. I like being able to have a right or wrong answer that’s really direct and English, art, and music don’t do that. I don’t know how you did it. I’d much rather do something with Pythagorean identities than get graded on an essay.” I admitted. “…I have no idea what that is.” He replied. “Yeah, well neither do I. I just know when to use them.” I said with a laugh, making him laugh in turn.

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

Apparently, Axel had been visiting him, and it was usually when I wasn’t around and I know for a fact it was on purpose. However, this time he had managed to clearly stay longer than he had meant to since he was there when I came in. “Sora!” Roxas greeted me in his usual way of calling my name with a wide smile. He quickly turned to Axel ,the smile still on his face. “Can you leave?” He asked, honestly not seeing what was wrong with his question while Axel’s eyes grew wide and his smile dropped.

“…Er… Yeah if you really want me to I can…” He mumbled while Roxas was quick to nod. He got up, bidding him goodbye while Roxas was all too eager for him to leave so he could spend time with me. …That really had to hurt him… Roxas didn’t seem to notice and had focused all of his attention on me instead, our visits going as they usually had.

This happened on several occasions until it got to the point where Axel would come in, stand there for a moment, then bid Roxas goodbye. “…Roxas… Don’t you think that’s a bit mean?” I asked him while I watched Axel leave. “…No.” He admitted. “I don’t like him. He makes me uncomfortable. Besides, you said so yourself- I don’t have to like things I used to.” …Was this my fault he wasn’t making an effort to try to like him? That really… That really had to hurt him terribly… I felt so awful…

Roxas had been asleep when I came to see him one day, so I quietly took his journal and hunted for a page in his “people” section. Axel’s was written in green, but it eventually ended up being done in black.

Axel                                                                                                                                                                       09/28/xx  
He’s really tall. His hair is really, really red and spiky. His eyes are scary and he’s ALWAYS looking at me. He’s like the shadows of the curtains at night kind of. I can’t explain it.  
He talks a lot. It makes my head hurt. He says things that confuse me. I don’t like it.  
He touches me a lot and I don’t like it. He’s always touching me- why is he always touching me?  
I think he tried to kiss me once. It was really weird… He’s my best friend… Right?

After this, the writing was done in black instead of green.

I don’t think I like him very much.  
My stomach hurts when he’s in the room for some reason.  
He comes to see me whenever Sora isn’t here. I don’t like it. I don’t think I feel safe being alone with him.  
He’s always trying to bring me food. I don’t eat it because he scares me. Is that why my stomach hurts sometimes? Because of the food he brings me? I don’t know, I don’t like it, it looks weird… It tastes good, but it still scares me because he’s the one to bring it to me.  
I feel bad for not liking him… But I don’t know him anymore, so not really. I guess I feel bad that he still remembers me and I just don’t care about him and he has to deal with that.

…It was like reading something a scared little kid had written. I quietly closed it and put it where Roxas had it, feeling terrible for Axel. Maybe I should tell him so he could back off a bit… Roxas was starting to lose positive connotation with him… I took out my phone and left the room as quietly as I could for a moment. He answered after the third ring. “Hello? Sora? Something happen?”

“Ah- er… _Kind of_. Nothing serious! It’s just um… Well… I don’t think Roxas likes you very much…” I heard him snort on the other end. “You’re just now realizing this?” He asked coldly. “Er, no… I mean he wrote it down in his journal. I kind of took a peak at it while he was sleeping an-“ I heard him click his teeth at me. “Naughty, naughty, Sora!” He chided. “I’m trying to help you out here!” I quickly retorted. He was quiet for a moment, so I took that as a sign to continue. “…He doesn’t like when you touch him. You’re really clingy and you’re confusing him a lot. You need to ease up and talk to him slowly and simply- and you better not being trying to make passes at him!” I quickly added, remembering Roxas’ brief mention of Axel almost kissing him.

“I’m not, I’m not!” He replied quickly. …Liar. “…He outright said he didn’t like you in his journal, Axel. You really need to lighten up or he’s not ever going to want to talk to you again.” There was a heavy sigh from the other end. “…I think… It’s already kind of getting there.” He admitted. “…I think I’m just going to back off for a bit until he starts to remember things on his own or until things start triggering his memory. I’m no good with this kind of thing…” He grumbled, sounding defeated. “Don’t be like that. I’m sure he’ll start to remember you so long as you give him space- don’t give up, just give him space!”

“…You know… Honestly I think I kind of do give up right now…” He admitted to me. He… He gives up…? No- what, no! He can’t do that! What kind of shitty boyfriend was he?! Riku would _never_ give up or abandon me, so why was Axel…?! “You can’t do that!” I yelled into the phone, causing Minnie to look up at me from the desk. I hurried down a different hall. “Can’t do _what_?” Axel asked, ice in his voice.

“You can’t give up like that!” He snorted and was quiet for a moment. “…I said right now. Do you know how many times I almost lost him and always went after him to bring him back? No matter how many times this stupid brat runs away, I’m going to be the one to bring him back- because apparently you don’t.” He said bitterly. “So I’m not giving up all together- I just need a damn break! Do you know how hard it is to date someone like him? Honestly?! It’s… It’s so _tiresome_!” …He was starting to yell.

“You constantly need to reassure him over every little thing, tell him you love him all the damn time and even then sometimes he doesn’t believe you so you gotta make him, make sure he’s taking his meds so he doesn’t flip out or hurt himself, you gotta constantly see how he’s doing since he’s scared of every damn thing, have him go through these crazy mood swings, make sure he’s taking care of himself- because you and I know _damn well_ he doesn’t!- and god damn it he’s so _mean_ to himself! You gotta deal with his constant negative mindset and he doesn’t ever fucking believe different no matter what you tell him, sometimes he just drops off of the face of the Earth and then acts like nothing is wrong- it’s like dating a little kid, sometimes! And… And god damn it I’m kind of tired of it! And to have to keep staring _all over **AGAIN**_ …!? I…!” He sighed heavily while my brain was trying to process all of that. He… He just… Towards Roxas, he…

“…I think I just need a little break. This would be the third time I’d be doing this with him. …I just need a break, okay…? I love him- I do… It’s just… It’s just not what I signed up for.” He hung up and I wasn’t sure what just happened. What he “signed up for”…? Are you _fucking_ kidding me? I felt like tearing the damn page for him out of Roxas’ journal and telling him he’d never need it again. This guy was…! He was…!!! I was so angry with him right now!!! Yeah my brother was a bit of a mess, but goddamn it…! That wasn’t fair…! That wasn’t…! I felt like screaming!!!

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: So I’m sure Sora’s reaction to Riku’s short hair was how everyone in the fandom ever felt when we saw art for Dream Drop Distance. Also I have no idea where the sass between Kairi and Riku came from but it is never going away it was really funny (at least to me it was).
> 
> So if you think about it, it’s really funny that Riku was all about the “road to dawn” and Axel was all about “fun facts about sunsets”. But basically, it was named as such because of a little comparison of the twins and their bfs and how they’re handing things with their boys.  
> Also!!!! Axel is being written as a HUMAN guys! So please don’t get upset with him that he’s frustrated with Roxas! Dating someone who’s emotionally ill can be taxing on anyone yet alone having all of this happen on top of it. He’s not some sparkly prince who’ll “be there for them forever~!” He’s going to get frustrated with him, he’s going to get tired of the same crazy stuff happening, and it’s going to bother him!


	35. Closet Spaces

Chapter XXXIII: Closet Spaces

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

I always thought my mom hatted Roxas simply because I was her favorite and he was what was “left over” after she had us… I sometimes thought that if he had been born first, maybe this wouldn’t have happened… I was wrong.

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

“She… She just tried to hit me…!” Roxas said, sounding completely horrified with wide eyes from behind me while I had a stare down with my mother, my cheek stinging. “…Get. Out.” She scoffed and turned on her heel and left the room. I was still boiling over with rage even after the air in the room had calmed down after she had left. “…That… That was our mom right?! A-and she just… She tried to hit me…!” Roxas reaffirmed what just happened as he clung to my back. “…Not anymore she won’t.” I spat. He was… Being transferred today.

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

When she had come in, neither of us had been expecting it. She had been shown to our room by Minnie, who quickly went back to her desk with a wide smile. After all, how was she to know what kind of person our mother was? I had stopped reading to him and looked up, completely shocked to see her. “…Um… Hello.” Roxas greeted her, not knowing what else to do. She didn’t reply and just looked us over. “…Sharing beds now?” She asked with a scoff. “…Um… Roxas, this is our mom.” I said, sliding out of the bed, knowing it to be safer if I wasn’t sitting there while she was here. What was she doing…? I hadn’t seen her since… Wow it had been over a month and a half now. So this was…

I was really glad I decided to come see him spur of the moment in spite of all of the homework I had to do. “…I finally finished fixing and replacing everything in the house.” She said, looking at me. I was trying not to say harsh things to her around Roxas. He didn’t know… He had no idea who she was. “…What happened at the house?” Roxas asked, looking over at me. “Nothing.” I replied quickly. “…It’s all his fault.” She said, staring Roxas over with a harsh glare.

“If he had never been born… This wouldn’t have happened in the first place!!!”  She screeched, lunging for him. I quickly blocked him while she tried to move me out of the way to get to him. “This is all your fault Ventus!!” She screamed at him. “…Th-That’s… N-Not my name…” Roxas stuttered out, confused by her calling him that. _I_ didn’t even know what she was talking about. Maybe she had officially lost it…? She raised her hand back and I knew she could reach over and hit him at this angle. I leaned back as far as, pressing myself into Roxas so he would be covered and she smacked me instead.

“She… She just tried to hit me…!” Roxas said, sounding completely horrified with wide eyes from behind me while I had a stare down with my mother, my cheek stinging. “…Get. Out.” She scoffed and turned on her heel and left the room. I was still boiling over with rage even after the air in the room had calmed down after she had left. “…That… That was our mom right?! A-and she just… She tried to hit me…!” Roxas reaffirmed what just happened as he clung to my back. “…Not anymore she won’t.” I spat. He was… Being transferred today.

Maybe that was why she had come, but… I wouldn’t allow her to touch him anymore. “…I… I don’t understand, what did I do?” He asked, tugging at the back of my shirt. “…You didn’t do anything.” I said, turning to him and patting his head. “You’re a very good person and she’s sick and tries to blame lots of things on you that aren’t your fault… I won’t let her, okay?” I reassured, looking him in the eyes as I said it. “…I… I don’t understand… She’s our _mom_ right?” He asked me, so very lost as to what just happened. “Sora I don’t understand…!” His voice was getting shrill. “Roxas, it’s okay, calm down. Relax okay… We’ve got some time before you have to go, do you want to talk?”

He nodded quickly, gasping for air. I calmed him down before even remotely attempting to talk to him about our mom. “…She… Why’d she try to hit me…?” He asked, looking at me with worried doe eyes once he was breathing normally. “…Truthfully…? I don’t think I’ve ever really known why… She… She would do it a lot.” I told him, making him look terrified. “…The reason you don’t remember anything is actually because she pushed you though these glass doors we had. I don’t know how much the doctors told you, but that’s what happened…” He shook his head slowly.

“…No… They just told me I got hurt really bad with some glass and would probably have a hard time using my hands and legs since that’s where I got cut the most.” I paused, wondering exactly how much I should tell him, but he started asking me more questions before I could think of something. “…You said… She’d do it a lot. …How much?” He asked me, pulling his journal from his table side and started writing in it with black ink. “…A lot. You were always really hurt…” He wrote some things down before asking me something else.

“…We never told anyone?” I avoided looking at him for a moment. “…We did. She made it seem like there was nothing wrong, so the people who came to see if we were okay left and we stopped telling them because she’d get angry with us and end up hurting you…” He wrote again before asking me something else. “…What about you…?” …I knew it was coming- it still hurt.

“…You… You didn’t like when she’d hurt me so you made sure she didn’t and I let you… I let you get hurt and I’m so sorry…” I pulled him in for a tight hug while he dropped his pen. I pulled away and wiped some tears and picked up his pen and offered it back to him. “I’m sorry…” He looked at it for a moment before looking up at me. “…I… I kept you safe?” I nodded, still wiping away the hot stream of silent and self-loathing tears that kept leaving me. “…Did I do a good job?” I laughed in the middle of my crying and nodded.  
“Very much.” I hugged him again and he didn’t seem to have anything else to ask me. He seemed okay with that. “…If you ever want to ask me about anything, I’ll tell you, okay?” He nodded into my shoulder. “Okay, I will.” We sat like that for a good, long while…

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

Mom was waiting for us in the lobby, foot tapping while the doctor’s helped assist Roxas out of his room and unhooked him from his IV. “You won’t be needing that anymore- not so sure about the wheelchair.” He said with a chuckle. He took Roxas into one of those small, medical busses, mom coming with us. They drove us to some semi-remote rehabilitation center, Roxas constantly making cautious glances towards mom throughout the entire trip while scribbling in his journal. Him writing seemed to agitate her, but she kept it to strictly glaring at him thank goodness. It was large and seemed kind of old, but very well kept. The head doctor was apparently the best of his kind. He even went so far as to come greet us himself, waiting outside for us with a girl by his side.

“Well _they_ certainly took their time!” He said, his voice gravely while he drummed his fingers on the remote control of his wheelchair. He was in a lab coat with black rubber gloves and boots with a sick mask over his face. He had small, beady, black eyes with equally small glasses and very pale skin. The girl by his side was quite tall and very pale as well with rust-red hair. “Hello.” She said, giving us a small smile while they helped Roxas out of the bus. She seemed to hoover, but not in a manner where she would be in anyone’s way.

“Sally!” The doctor chided, making her jump and pull back. “O-Oh I’m sorry…” She mumbled, then quickly went inside. The doctor sighed, messaging his temple. Roxas seemed weary of the doctor, giving him several once overs. “Scared?” I whispered with a sarcastic coo. “N-No…” He grumbled, but seemed to pull back the closer he got to the doctor. Roxas was brought right up to him and the doctor gave him a more obvious once over while humming. “You don’t need to stay just to push him around, he has a mother and brother who can do the task well enough so you can go back to your own hospital.” The doctor said, waving the aids off. They both looked at one another before getting back into the van and leaving, so I tasked myself with wheeling my brother around.

“…My name is Doctor Finkelstein and I am the head of this institution. You’ll have to forgive me if I don’t shake anyone’s hand, I need them for more important things than formalities.” He said quickly, then turned his wheelchair around and made it take him inside. Mom gave him an odd look, even glancing over at me to confirm she wasn’t the only one who thought he was odd. I couldn’t help but nod at her. I had this terrible habit of falling back into my old ones if you let me…

We followed behind the doctor, Sally lingering in the shadows nearby. The foyer was brightly lit and was very clean- almost immaculately so. It had a reception desk, several plush chairs and marble floors.  This place oddly reminded me of home and that wasn’t exactly too pleasant a thought… The doctor took a clipboard off of the reception desk without so much as stopping and kept going. He approached an elevator, pushed a button and waited for it to open. “So you have some brain damage as well as damage to some nerve endings in your hands and legs, correct?” He asked, turning around to look solely at Roxas- meaning Roxas was to solely answer.

“Ah, er… I-I… I guess…” He stumbled. The doctor turned back around and the elevator opened and we all went inside the large space. It was kind of like an elevator you’d find at a large mall. You could probably fit four different wheel chairs inside at once on top of someone to push each of them and even then ten more people, maybe fourteen if you tried hard enough and didn’t mind breathing each other’s oxygen a bit. However, there was no music coming from the elevator.

The doctor hit the button for the second floor and waited for us to reach it, his demeanor keeping a heavy silence over everyone. “The first floor is mostly for guests and patient visits. The second floor is for those who need easier access to things. Once you can move around on your own, you will more than likely be moved upstairs.” He stated as the elevator doors dinged. “You are to remain in the main wing and will not fraternize with the children from the east or west wings.” He said, exiting the elevator first. “Your family is allowed to visit no more than three times a week, two visitors per day. We don’t need them _harping_ while you’re trying to recover.” He said, looking back over at us. Roxas shot me a worried glance at the thought of only getting to see me three times a week. I bit my bottom lip and kept pushing him through the halls.

“Your room is here, and it is solely you’re room. You are free to decorate it with things of your liking while you are here minus a few restrictions on certain… Objects. If I list one it is for a _reason_ , my boy. Do not think something as silly of me as to forbade it unless there was a mishap with it.” He said simply and turned around to face us once again. “You will attend rehabilitation for your body two days a week, for your mind another two, one day will overlap for both, and you will rest for two. Rest is just as important as the act of fixing the problem.” He said, turning back around. “The windows are barred for your safety, however they can be opened so long as you ask and have an aid in the room while they are open.”

He turned back to us again. “Any questions?” He asked, his voice seeming to drone a bit for a moment. “…Um… Do you know how long I’ll be here?” Roxas asked. The doctor scratched at his head for a moment before replying. “No. I do not. I also do not believe in estimates because there are miracles as well as complete and utter failures.” Mom scoffed behind us and I could tell you right now which of us she thought was which. “Anything else?” I didn’t have any more questions, mom clearly just wanted Roxas gone as quickly as possible, and he had asked the only thing he had wanted to know.

The doctor nodded in satisfaction. “Now, feel free to adjust some things in the room to his liking, but I do not want tomfoolery while I am away- I have enough of that with some other patients.” The doctor said, sounding tired. “Madame, if you will?” He asked, looking at our mom before leaving the room. Mom set his things on the floor and left the room with the doctor.  “…Tomfoolery?” Roxas asked, finding the word funny to say. I chuckled and nodded while handing him his journal and a black pen. “He doesn’t want us messing around.” I looked over his shoulder while he wrote it down, misspelling a few things.

“…So do you want me to fix anything up for you?” I asked. “…Well… I mean I don’t really have much with me…” He mumbled, looking over at his sole bag. “Well you can still make it look nice.” Came a light voice from the doorway. “Gah…!” Roxas jumped, the girl from before who the doctor addressed as Sally scaring him. “Oh, I’m sorry…!” She said, her tone still light and whispery. “I…! Er… Y-You scared me…” Roxas finally managed, holding his hand to his chest a bit. “I’m sorry…” She said again, entering the room.

“My name is Sally. I’m the doctor’s daughter.” She said, crouching down and gently placing her hands over Roxas’. He seemed to sit up straighter bit by bit while he studied her face. “…You’re very pretty.” He practically whispered, making her smile. “Thank you.” She gently took her hands back and stood up, going over to his bag. “…May I?” He nodded, watching her with wide-eyed interest. She opened his bag, gently setting all of the contents on the desk that was by the door. “…Oh I love this book.” She said, taking out the large tome. “My brother reads it to me.” He said quickly, sounding proud of that fact. “Does he? …That’s so sweet.” She said, turning to me and smiling. It made me flush for some reason and glance anywhere but her.

When she was done, she looked at his small amount of things and sighed, almost looking sad. “…Well this won’t do. A book deserves a shelf and all of these beautiful pens deserve somewhere to be so they won’t roll away. You’re clothes are the only thing with a place to be.” She said, sounding almost sad for them. “Even if it’s only a small shelf or a cup- would that be alright?” She asked, turning back around to face Roxas. He quickly straightened up again and nodded. She smiled and slipped out of the room without so much as a sound.

“…Well she’s… Interesting.” I surmised, making Roxas laugh. “I like her.” He decided. He was quick to decide if he liked a person or not. He went to reach for a pen and then realized something- he didn’t know her favorite color! “Want me to go get her?” I asked, knowing she couldn’t have _gone_ that far. I quickly left the room and looked down either end of the hall. She… She was gone? Just that quickly? But all of these hallways were so long and really easy to see down. But she was here a second ago… I came back in the room, shaking my head a bit in confusion. “…She’s totally gone.” He tipped his head, but I just nodded. “Maybe she went into one of the rooms down the hall or something…” I offered. There was _no way_ she could be _that_ fast. I sighed and sat on what was to be Roxas’ bed.

“…So what are you thinking about?” I asked him while he looked up from his journal. “…I’m trying to keep what I want to write down about Sally in my head before I forget it.” I smiled broadly at him. “Okay. If you want I can buy you another journal soon.” He nodded, smiling warmly. “If you want I can also bring you some of your old things too if you want. Just a few- don’t want to overwhelm you.” He nodded, liking the prospect of the idea.

“…Welp,” I said, standing up and clapping my hands together. “I’m gonna put your clothes away. Any way in particular you want them?” I asked, taking a large bundle of them. “…So I can reach them.” He grumbled, making me laugh. “No worries. The rod is actually pretty low.” I noticed while opening the closet. I color-coded all of the clothes we had brought for him in the closet, then showed him in case he wanted to change anything. “…No, that’s fine. Thank you.” I nodded, smiling at him. “Good!” I sat back down on his bed and pulled him over by the front of his wheelchair.

“…So what do you think of the place so far?” I asked him, looking around his rather empty room. “…It’s big. And I haven’t seen anyone else aside from Sally.” He noted. Now that he mentioned it… “Maybe they’re all on lockdown since they’re getting a new patient? Don’t want to freak you out or anything, maybe?” I offered. “…I don’t know…” He mumbled, looking back down to his journal and clutching it the best he could.

“…You know I think he’s gonna be pretty surprised with how well you can write.” I noted. Honestly? My brother’s hand writing was always atrocious and this was a new level of that monster, but he took the time every day to write in that journal of his. Even if it was just what he had to eat that day, he still did it. “You think so?” He asked, looking expectant. I nodded. “Yup! I mean they said your nerve endings were all messed up, so it couldn’t have been _that_ bad if-“  
“What are nerve endings?” He asked, stopping me short. “Hm? Oh, uh… They’re these funny stringy things in your body that make it so you can move everything. Your brain kind of sends these signals to them and they help you move. It’s kind of like a puppet on a string: The person moving it is like the brain and the string is like your nerve endings.”

“…Puppet?” He asked. “Yeah. If you want I think I can try to find one and bring it in sometime.” He nodded, probably still lost as to what nerve endings were without it. Showing him a picture probably wouldn’t be as good as something hands on. It was quiet for a moment before I decided to ask him something else. “…So… How are you feeling about all this?” He looked at me while I spoke, then slowly looked down at his lap, his fingers clenching his journal to the best of his ability.

“…I don’t know… I feel funny, really… Like my stomach keeps doing this flippy thing and it feels like there’s something in it and I don’t like it… It makes me feel sick and it’s the same feeling I get whenever Axel would come to see me.” He admitted. I felt terrible for him, but remembering the things he said about my brother just… Fucking jerk deserved it…!!! “I… I don’t like it when you’re not here, I get bored or scared and I can’t do a lot by myself just yet…” He admitted, hesitantly taking hold onto my pants over his journal. He leaned down and pressed his head to my stomach and I ran my fingers through the hair by the base of his neck. “…Yeah?” He nodded. “I feel safe when you’re here… So I don’t like it when you’re not.”

“…I know… I’m sorry… I’ll bring lots of things that are ours so you don’t feel so lonely when I’m not here, okay? I’ll even let you have my favorite good luck charm my best friend gave me until I can see you more often, okay?” He looked up at me with wide eyes. “Really…?” I nodded. “Yup. It’s really special to me, so don’t lose it, okay?” I said, reaching into my back pocket and taking out the charm. “Be sure to give it back once you’re feeling better, alright?” I asked, giving him a wide smile as I gently put it into his hands. He looked at it as if I had just handed him a star out of the sky.

“I… I will…!” He said, nodding heavily and sniffing. “I’ll keep it safe…!” I chuckled at him and took the clasp of it and hooked it to the top inside ring of his journal. “There. I know you always have that with you, so you’re less likely to lose it this way.” I said with a nod and a wide smile. He held it gently in his hands as if it were to shatter into sand if he were to be too rough with it. He looked it over so many different times, turning it this way and that ever so gently.

“…My best friend Kairi, she gave that to be before we started high school. She gave it to me a week after I told her and Riku about what was happening with us and mom… She said it was a good luck charm and it would keep me safe and I’ve kept it ever since.” I told him, wanting him to know just how important this was to me so he’d think of it as something important too. He looked up at me with wide eyes, almost seeming like what I had given him was too much. “I… Is it really okay- to let me borrow this?” He asked, clinging to my pants with one hand and the charm in the other. I chuckled and nodded. “Yup. You’re as special to me as that charm if not more. I want you to be safe too, so you borrow it for a while.”

He looked back down at it again, trying to catch his breath. “…It’s really pretty…” He admitted and I smiled at him. There was a knock on the door and both of us looked up at the same time. “It’s time for you to leave now so he can get settled in.” The doctor said from the door. Roxas looked at me with a clear expression of “don’t leave”. “…I’ll be back. I promise.” I leaned down and pressed my forehead to his for a minute, closing my eyes before pulling away. “Alright. Come see me off?” I asked, cocking my head. He nodded in a way that was faster than usual, so I’m sure it gave him a headache.

I wheeled him out of the room and the doctor called for Sally, looking around for her. “Confound it, where has she gone now…?” He grumbled, heading towards the elevators. We got inside, went to the main foyer, and Roxas saw me off at the door. He tugged me down and hugged me, mumbling, “I promise I’ll keep it safe.” I pulled away and messed his hair up before shooting him a wide grin and waving goodbye.

He’s going to be okay… He has to be. He’s my brother after all.

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

“…Roxas…?” I called to him gently, tugging at the closet door. “NO!” He yelled from the other side, holding it shut. “…Roxas, please come out of the closet? Let’s talk about it.” I offered, gently tugging at them only to be met with resistance.  “No, no, no, no…!” He yelled, his voice getting higher in tone as he spoke. I sighed and let go. …That always was his safe-space… He’d go hide in closets.

Even as we got older, he wouldn’t directly hide in them as much, but I’d watch him crawl into it to change his clothes or hide something. I leaned against the wall next to the closet, just sitting there for a moment. “…You don’t want to talk to me?” I asked him. “NO!” He yelled back. He was being so childish…! …I need to be patient, it’s not his fault, it’s not his fault…

“…You won’t let me in?” I tried again. “NO!” He replied again the exact same tone. “…So you’re just going to sit in there?” I asked, tipping my head towards the small space he had put himself in. “N- YES!” he replied, almost tripping himself up. It made me crack a smirk. I looked over at the wheelchair he had abandoned in the middle of the room and decided to put it by his bed. I’m sure he was at least peaking past the doors to see what I was doing- actually, I knew for a fact he was. He adored me too much to not know what I was doing, but was also stubborn and liked to think he was being sneaky sometimes when he wasn’t. Sure he had a different mindset right now, but he was still Roxas.

Mom had come to see him yesterday and I hadn’t been here. She apparently had to be removed because she was getting angry with him over something and kept insulting him. They wouldn’t give me details, but she was no longer allowed to be alone with him whatsoever, Dr. Finkelstein’s orders. When he heard I was coming, he had apparently thrown himself into the closet. I’m sure he was mad at me for not being there to keep him safe… So he was just having a temper tantrum right now.

I started humming to myself while I messed with little things in his room. Sally had somehow managed to bring him a small shelf and a small little jar that could easily be used for flowers that was sitting on a dresser. The shelf had his journal with my charm still on it, the book I had been reading him, and the jar inside, his wide array of pens in the jar. “…Sally bring you this shelf and jar for your pens?” I asked, knowing very well she had. He didn’t answer me.

I inspected them for a moment longer before going over to his bed and fixing some small ruffles in the sheets and adjusting his pillows. “…You know it’s kinda still empty in here. I brought you some things if you want them- you have to come out first.” I tried to attempt to bribe him like a little kid. “I don’t _care_.” He grunted from his small space. “…Huh. Sooo… You don’t want to come out, you won’t let me come in, and you don’t care…?” I reaffirmed standing by the closet door. “…Then I guess there’s nothing for me to do but lea-“

“NO!” He threw open the doors and grabbed at me. “…Hello, down there.” I said with a wide smile. He flushed at the realization that I had gotten him to fall for my ruse to get him out. He tried to scuffle back into the closet, but I quickly dropped down and pulled him into my lap. “NoooOOOoo…! Lemme- GO!” He wined, trying to pull away. His legs weren’t much use right now though. “…No, I’m not going to. Relax.” I said sternly. I wasn’t going to do this with him… I’d seen him have temper tantrums before. They were always much worse than mine and ended up either making him puke or mom in tears or both.

I ran my fingers through his hair and kissed his head. He fussed and grunted, but like I said, couldn’t really do much. He kept trying to mush me away with his hands, but not anything serious. “…You take your meds today?” I asked gently and he stopped fussing and slouched down, trying to escape that way. I chuckled at him. “You’re not escaping.” I chided, pulling him up. He grunted a positive reply. “…Yeah? What time do they have you taking them?”

“…Sally wrote it down for me. It’s in the front of my journal.” He grumbled. “...I’m not letting you go.” He let out a loud, obnoxious groan and it made me laugh at him. “You’re a jerk!” I hummed an affirmative and kissed his head again. “…Are you going to tantrum the entire time I’m here with you or actually spend time with me?” I asked him, still running my hands through his hair.

“…My head hurts.” He admitted and finally stopped fussing. I busted out laughing, falling backwards with him, sure to not let his head hit the ground. “Well it’s from all the complaining and whining you’re doing, stupid!” I said, still laughing at him. “…You’re mean.” I kept laughing at him and nodded. “Yup! And you’re stuck with me!” I reminded, sitting up with him. He kept his head tipped over my shoulder, but seemed to relax a bit more.

I kept running my hands through his hair while he sat there for a moment, staring at the ceiling. “…You wanna talk?” I asked gently, leaning closer to him. “…I don’t like it here.” He admitted. “…Take your time, I won’t rush you. Get your head together.”  
“But…!” He turned around too fast and apparently got dizzy. I quickly grabbed for him so he wouldn’t fall backwards. “Slow- _slow_ …!” I reminded. “I’M NOT SLOW!” He yelled, head still reeling. My eyes were wide for a split second before my brows furrowed. “…Roxas, I didn’t call you slow. I just wanted you to move slow so you wouldn’t end up hurting yourself.” He was getting frustrated that his vision wasn’t already fixed, so he ended up shaking his head and making it worse. “Roxas, rela-“

“STOP- telling me what to do…!” He shoved me and I quickly grabbed for him again, holding his hands. “Okay- okay I’ll stop, I’m sorry.” He panted, clearly extremely frustrated. I let him calm down and stopped trying to dictate things. He eventually was left just panting, but didn’t seem as dizzy and wasn’t shoving me. “…Do you feel better?” I asked, trying to look him in the eyes. “…No…” He grumbled, his voice not actually making any sound, but his mouth making clear syllables.

I waited for him, not saying anything more. “…Do you want to talk to me?” I finally asked after he was just stuck staring at the floor. “…No.” He grumbled. “…Want to get off of the floor?” I offered, shifting my weight on to my other leg. “…No.” I sighed, getting a little frustrated with him, but not doing anything to upset him. “…So you want to just sit here and not talk?” I asked, making sure that was what he wanted. “Yes.” He didn’t pause or hesitate. He just wanted to sit here.

“…Okay. I’ll sit with you. Can we lean against the wall, though?” I asked, trying to look him in the eyes again. I felt his hands tighten around my arms. “…You don’t have to let me go if you don’t want to, it’s just a bit uncomfortable sitting in the middle of the floor like this for me, okay?” He furrowed his eyebrows and nibbled at his bottom lip, debating about what he wanted to do. “…Okay.”

I scooted over to the wall by the closet and tugged him along with me, his leg bending underneath him weird. “…That doesn’t hurt?” I asked him, nodding to his leg. He looked down and shook his head, but tugged it out from under him. “No, I don’t feel it much.” He told me. Was that from damaging his nerve endings or whatever it was? He was stuck in bed for such a long time that wasn’t helping either…

I really wanted to ask him how his first two days of rehabilitation went, but… He wasn’t in the mood to talk much right now, so I’d just leave him alone about it. When we were adjusted, I held his hand and just sat there with him and didn’t say anything. When it was getting late, an aid came and told me it was lunch time, Roxas tried to throw another hissy fit, but she wasn’t having any of it and picked him right up off of the floor and plopped him in his wheel chair and took him down to the dining hall with me in tow.

He poked at his food and was threatened to not get to see me if he didn’t eat. He begrudgingly ate, then got to spend more time with me in his room. Again, he didn’t want to talk or look at anything I brought him and insisted on me sitting on the floor with him. So I just sat there with him, and when it got late again, the aid informed me I had to go home.

“…Do you want me to leave your things here or bring them back some other time so I can tell you what they are?” He looked at the bag I had in my hand and then over at the closet. “…You can leave them.” I put the bag on the dresser by the small shelf. I went back over to him and crouched down and hugged him tightly. “…Thank you for coming to see me.” He said, hugging me back and his hand making a weak grasp at my shirt. “…You’re welcome. I’m sorry we couldn’t talk as much.” He slowly shook his head. “No. I’m really tired of talking right now…” He grumbled and it made me smile a bit. They’ve probably got him doing a lot of word games or something for memory and it must be driving him _nuts_.

“That’s okay. You don’t have to talk when I’m here to visit you if you don’t want to.” I reassured. He looked a bit shocked at the fact that I wasn’t requiring him to or wasn’t angry with him for not talking to me. He was also quick to let his emotions show on his face more because he instantly did a 180 and had the biggest smile on his face I’d seen since I came to visit him today. “Thank you… Sora.” He said, my word sounding like some kind of gem in his mouth. I patted his head- gently- and stood up straight. “You’re welcome. Want me to put you in your bed or wheel chair or something?” I asked, feeling bad if I left him on the floor. “Mm… No. This is okay.” He decided with a slight nod.

“…Alright, if that’s what you want.” I said with a shrug. “I’ll come see you some other time- don’t throw a tantrum next time, okay?” I said with a chuckle. He gave me a guilty pout before directing it at the floor. I chuckled and bid him goodbye again and leaving. I signed out, making my way to the doors so I could call Riku to come get m-…

“…Axel?” I had sent him a text of the address of where Roxas was, but… “You-“  
“I was just leaving. Visiting hours are over and I just wanted to know where this place was.” He said quickly, making a b-line for his car. “…You don’t want to see him?” I quickly blurted out in confusion, phone strap of an odd star hitting my hand. “…He doesn’t want to see _me_.” Axel said a bit begrudgingly while rubbing the back of his neck. He turned around again- this time fully, and got in his car and left.

…He… He came to see him. No, he _wanted_ to see him he was just… Was he scared? …He was scared. Scared of Roxas not remembering him at all and ending up with the constant feeling of disliking him. He was scared of Roxas not recovering at all and not loving him anymore… I know I was. He was just… Dealing with it differently than I was. I was lucky. He took well to me right away even though I was probably just as clingy as Axel probably was… Maybe it was our demeanors? I was the first person he saw when he woke up, so maybe that kind of “bird” and “mama” thing? I don’t know… I just felt so bad for him…

That wasn’t fair to him at all… And there wasn’t much we could do about it right now. We’d just have to wait and hope he remembered him and decided to open up to him again… He was stubborn, that was for sure, so that’s all we could do right now… All we could do was wait for his memory to come back or for him to relax around Axel. Nothing much else _to_ do at this point... And that really sucked.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: AWWW SHIT, WHAT AM I HINTING AT NOW IN THIS STORY BETWEEN ROXAS AND HIS MOM?! HUH?! HUH?!  
> …Well you’re not gonna find out till later and it’s going to crush you. There is no escape. You’re too far in now to just leave. Welcome to the life.


	36. The Simple Pleasures of Adventure

Chapter XXXIV: Crime, Sin, and Punishment

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

10/16/xx

They do not have TVs here. I do not like it. I like watching TV. Watching cartoons makes me happy because watching them with Sora makes me happy.  
I do not get to do much stuff here. I wake up. I eat. I take my medicine. I either talk to a doctor with these cards or they make me walk while holding this bar. It hurts. The doctor in the chair like mine says as long as I keep writing he will not make me do anything else with my hands.  
Sally made me a list so I know what days I have to do what things. She brought me a calendar too! I keep it in the front of my journal and write in whenever Sora comes to see me.

This is your schedule Roxas, be sure not to lose it, okay? If you do, it’s okay. I’ll make you another one.  
-Sally

Monday – Body  
Tuesday – Memory  
Wednesday – Rest  
Thursday – Body & Memory  
Friday – Memory  
Saturday – Body  
Sunday – Rest

Sally has nice writing. It looks a lot better than mine. Oh I also had the bar thingy and memory cards today so it is… Friday? No. Thursday. I really like the funny smile she drew on her page with the lines over the mouth and the long eyelashes. Sally told me that is what they were called because I did not remember. They are nice. I like them. She told me she was also a pat… pit… someone who is here like me, but in a different wing but can move around more because the doctor in the chair is her dad.  
She said a wing is just another name for different parts of the building to keep us separate. She said I am in the middle wing because I have head and body things that need to be fixed. She is in the right wing because she has something wrong with her body. The left wing is for people who have problems with their head or memory too.

Sally comes to see me a lot even though she says she is not supposed to. She brings me weird dolls and shows me how they work. I like them. There is one that I think Sora tried to tell me about- or was it Sally…? I do not remember who... But it is on strings and she can make it dance. I like when she makes it dance.  
She has another doll where if you hit the button on its head, its face changes! It has four of them- a sad one, a happy one, a angry one, and a scared one. I like the happy one, but sometimes I leave it on the sad one when she is not looking. I think I feel like that sometimes. And Sora is the happy one. And mom is the angry one. When she is the angry one I feel like the scared one. I do not know why I make her angry. I want to apologize and make her make the faces Sora does.  
Sally also has this other doll where if you open it, there is another and another and another and another and I do not know if this is enough anothers, but theres a lot! I like putting them back together. I really like Sally. I do not care if she is not supposed to come see me. I like her visits almost as much as Soras- almost!

My hand hurts.

Oh, but I gotta put that Sally brought me a shelf and a jar for my pens! She brought them to me when it was dark yesterday and told me to be quiet. She put them on the thing that we put some of my clothes in. I do not know why some clothes go there and other clothes go in the closet. I think it is stupid. But she made it look nice and made sure I could see the charm Sora gave me from my bed on my journal. Sally is really nice to me.

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

Friday, 10/17/xx

Mom came to see me. She got angry with me and I do not know what I did, so I just kept saying I was sorry. Did I do something I forgot? Sora would have told me right? I hope so… I kept saying I was sorry and she kept getting mad and they had to make her leave. I feel bad. I kept saying I am sorry. I cried a lot. One of the doctors told me I did not need to be sad. I do not NEED to be sad… But I am. I am sorry mom.

My head hurts and so does my hand…

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

Peter  
10/18/xx

Peter likes to wear feathers he gets from outside in his hair. He says the doctors like to take them, but he has a lot more in his hidden spot. He says if we become good friend he will show me. He has brown hair that sticks up a lot and his smile likes to only be on one side of his face. His teeth are little and his nose gets wrinkles on it when he smiles sometimes. He has brown spots all over his face he calls “freckles”. He is tiny- like me! But he is a bit smaller.

Saturday, 10/18/xx

Peter came into my room today. He asked me who I was. I told him I was Roxas. He said I did not look like a Roxas. I told him I just was a Roxas. He said I should be something different. I said I liked being Roxas. He asked me if I even know what a Roxas is.  
I do not.  
I said I wanted some freckles like Peter. He took one of my pens and drew some all over my face. Sally found us and washed my face. She said I could get in trouble if they knew Peter was in my room. He is supposed to be in the left wing but he gets out a lot. Also she said freckles are not purple. Peter said she was crazy and they could be whatever color we wanted them to be.

I like Peter. He is fun. He knows how to open the windows too. He told me not to tell Sally or he would get in trouble. I do not want Peter to get in trouble.  
He asked me if I had people that came to see me. I told him about Sora and mom. He said mom sounded crazy. I did not tell him I thought she could be too, but I still feel like I did something wrong... I told him that and about Sora. He said Sora could know. He said adults were liars and if Sora was lying then he was an adult too.  
Sora is my age. He is not an adult… Right? Peter said it was not about how you looked. Sora could be an adult but I did not have to be. I do not understand…  
He said it was hard to explain, but Sora was an adult and I was not because Peter said so. He said Sora probably lied and that I did do something. He said not all lies are bad, but they always hurt someone.

…I think I am mad at Sora.

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

Sunday, 10/19/xx

Sora came to see me. I do not want to talk to him right now. He lied to me. I did something and he did not tell me what… But I do not know how to tell him. I want to sit in the closet until I can think of how to say it. But he did not leave me alone. He kept bugging me. He brought me things. I want to know what they are. But I am mad at him…

But I want to know.

My head hurts.

Sora let me just sit with him today. We did not talk. Even if he is an adult and I am not, I still love him very much. Sora is important to me. I love Sora. I tried to think of how to talk to him about being a liar, but my head hurt really bad today. I think it is from the cards the doctors show me. I do not like the cards.

When Sora left I looked at the things he said were mine. There were cards in there. More stupid cards… These ones had numbers on them… I want to ask Sally why these have numbers and the others do not. Also the numbers are upside down… But not really… I do not know. Both?

He brought me pictures too. Lots of pictures. They were of us. They were lots of different pictures of us. We were very small. But in others we were bigger. I like the pictures. Sora makes funny faces in a lot of them. I think I cried in a lot of them or look scared. I do not know why…  
Sora has a picture of me and Axel, the scary guy. It is a bit blurry. We were in a hallway. We were talking I think. We were sitting on a wall like I did with Sora earlier. I think we are holding hands but it is hard to see. I do not know why I would hold that guy’s hand, he is weird. I was happy in that picture I think. Did he make me smile? Sora wrote on the back and said it said “I wanted to surprise you. I was saving it, but I think you deserve it now rather than later.”  
I do not know what he means by that.  
I want to rip the picture, but I… I tried to and my fingers would not let me. I think I should stop writing so much. I am going to look at the rest of the things later.

Good night.

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

Monday, 10/20/xx

Sally brought me something called a “music box” today. If you turn the little thing in the back, it makes music! Peter came in with Sally. Peter tried to take the music box but Sally ran me down the hall like Sora and we got it back. We got in trouble. Sally’s dad took the music box. She promised to get it back. Peter got sent back to his room. He promised to come back. Sally’s dad said he would not. Peter said he was not an adult. I am glad Peter was not an adult. Adults are liars. Peter is not a liar. Peter will come back to visit me.  
Sally took me back to my room. Sally got sent back to her room like Peter. They both came back to see me later. Peter asked me who I was. I told him I was Roxas. He said I did not look like a Roxas. I told him he already told me this and he did not believe me. Sally remembered him of the feather and candy he had brought. He stopped fighting with me. She had the music box.  
Peter said the candy looked like the things the doctors sometimes had. You put it on your mouth but did not bite it. It was supposed to be on fire but he did not know how yet. He said if you left it maybe that is how they did it. He said they put their hands over the real things before it was on fire.  
Sally said he was being silly and I could bite it if I wanted. It did not taste too good. I still ate them. Peter put feathers in my hair and Sally showed me how to work the music box again. She wanted to know if one day I could sing the melody from the box without it playing. I said I would try.  
She asked me about the pictures on the thing you can put clothes in. Sally remembered me it was called a dresser. I told her Sora brought me them. Peter got some and messed them up. I wanted them how Sora had them. Sally said she was sorry, but Sally did not do anything. I do not know why she said she was sorry.

She fixed them and put them back. She asked me if I remembered anything in the pictures. I told her some of them made my head hurt and other ones felt right. I do not know what that means. She said it was okay and feelings were hard to explain sometimes.  
Sally is easy to talk to.

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

Tuesday, 10/21/xx

Sora came to see me again today. He asked me if I looked at all of the things he had brought me. I told him I only got to the cards and the pictures. I forgot to ask Sally about the cards! Sora explained for me instead. He said you could play number games with them. He said I had put them in a special spot I had, so they were important to me. I do not know how cards with numbers on them could be important to me. He said they were. He could not tell me why. He said I did not tell him.  
He asked me how I was and if the doctors were being nice to me. I told him my head always hurt but the doctors were nice to me. Not as nice as Sally and Peter but they were nice. He asked me who Peter was. Uh oh… I was not ready to tell him about Peter yet. I must have been slow again because he asked me if Peter was a new friend.  
Yes. Peter was a new friend. He said he was happy I was making friends. He said I had a lot of friends. He asked me if I wanted to see them. …I do. He said he would try to get some of them to come see me. He said he would come too so I would not be scared. He said he would try to bring a girl named “Naminé”. He said I talk to her a lot. Not as much as Axel, but a lot.  
I asked if he had a picture of her and he said he did not.  
He showed me other things he had brought me. He brought me a bracelet I liked to wear. It is black and white. Some squares are black and other ones are white. I like my bracelet. Sora also brought me a snack I liked. It was sweet and easy to chew. He said it was yogurt covered raisins. He said I only ate it when something good happened. Or at least that is what I told him one time.  
I asked him if something good happened because he brought me them. He said I deserved them because I was doing good and he was proud of me. He said he was also sorry he could not see me more.  
I feel happy whenever Sora comes to see me. I am going to keep trying really hard so I can leave with him. Sora said I could do that once the doctors said I could. I want to go with Sora.  
…But I also do not want to leave Sally and Peter. I like Sally and Peter.  
Sora showed me some clothes he brought me. He said we really liked fluffy pants. I like the fluffy pants. I had Sora help me wear the fluffy pants. I did not care about the rest of the clothes. I just like the pants and the bracelet and the snack and Sora.

I do not like when Sora has to leave. It makes me sad. I told him about the doll with the different faces that Sally showed me. Sometimes when I talk to Sora he looks at just me and smiles a lot. I like it. Sora promised to come see me again. I almost cried. I do not want him to be an adult. Adults lie. I do not want him to lie. I want him to come see me again. He asked me why I was crying. I told him I do not want him to be an adult. He did not understand. He stayed with me until I stopped crying. He promised to come see me again. I hope so…

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

Wednesday, 10/22/xx

Sally took me out of my room and told me we were going on an adventure. I liked adventures. She said we were going into the left wing to see Peter. She said Peter had a surprise for us.  
Peter had a new friend for me to meet! Sally already knew her. She said her name was Alice. But sometimes she was not Alice. Sometimes she was Queenie. Or Bunnae. Or Dinah. I did not understand. Sally showed me the doll with the different faces. She said each face was like Alice. It was the same doll, but sometimes she acted different. I told her I understood.  
I do not understand.

Do I give Alice more than one page? Or all the same page because Sally said it is all still her? …I will give her two pages.

Alice, Queenie, Bunnae, Dinah  
10/22/xx

Alice cannot change how she looks like the doll. She always has yellow hair that sits on her shoulders and I want to touch it. She has pretty blue eyes and a tiny nose like Peter. She likes eating sweet things. She said one time she ate something that was sweet that got her sick. She said she is scared to eat sweet things out of bottles but still likes sweet things. She is pretty and nice.  
Queenie is mean and bossy. She and Peter fight a lot.  
Bunnae forgets a lot of things like me. She is not careful and drops lots of things and thinks she is always late.  
Dinah is quiet and likes tea and flowers. She turns her nose up at me and to the ceiling sometimes but I know she still likes me.

Wednesday, 10/22/xx

Peter gets Alice lots of sweet things. Peter always calls her the wrong name. Today she is Alice. Peter keeps calling her Queenie. Alice keeps saying she is Alice. Sally thinks this is funny. I know so because I hear her laugh when they fight while she pushes me around the left wing. We go to Peter’s secret spot. It is tiny and hidden past bars like the ones over the window. Sally helps me get there since my legs do not work like theirs.  
Peter has lots of feathers and candy and other things he says are his treasures and a pretty blue dress inside. His treasures look like trash to me. He said the blue dress belongs to a friend and he is watching it for her until she comes back. He said it was her favorite. That is how he knows she will come back. Peter says she will get out of her funny little box they put in the ground with her inside and she will come see him. She will come back for the dress and come see him. Peter says so over and over. Peter keeps saying Wendy will come see him. Sally tells him it is okay and he will not forget Wendy. I do not know who Wendy is. Peter told Sally he was scared. He said he already was forgetting Wendy. He said he does not remember a Wendy anymore.  
Peter asks Sally if she is going to play a game with us.  
Sally is quiet for a minute. I do not know why he stopped talking about Wendy so quickly. Sally says she will play a game with us.  
Sally asks me if it is okay if we play with my cards. She will teach me. She says Peter will not cheat. Peter promises not to cheat. Alice says she wants to read. Sally says she will read to us when we are done playing. Peter says reading is boring. I like reading. Alice likes reading. We get mad at Peter. Sally stops us from fighting and makes us all sit. I am already sitting because I can not use my legs.  
Sally teaches me Go-Fish. When it is my turn I pick a person. I guess a number that person may have on their card. If someone has it they will give you the card with the number on it and you win a point. If they do not I will pick up a card after they tell me to “go fish”.  
Sally helps me play. Sally tells me if I already asked Peter or Alice if they had the card I want to ask them for if I did it last time already. Sally makes sure Peter does not cheat.  
Alice wins. Peter gets mad. I do not care. I liked playing the game with them. Sally promises to bring more snacks for Peter’s special place if he will stop yelling. Peter stops yelling. Sally reads us a story. Alice and I like the story. It has pictures. Peter goes to sleep. Sally reads us the book again. Alice wants her to read another story. I want her to read it again. Sally promises to read it to me again. She reads us another story. I forgot how the other story ended. I want her to read it again. I fell asleep with Sally and Peter and Alice in Peter’s special spot.

Wednesday, 10/22/xx

I woke up in my room. Sally tells me later that she took me back to my room. She gave me the picture book she read to me and Alice before. She says she will read it to me again. I think I like the book with pictures more than the book Sora reads me.  
I want Sora to read me the book with the pictures in it.

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

Thursday, 10/23/xx

I went on another adventure with Sally, Peter, and Alice. Today she is Bunnae. She keeps telling everyone we are late to take our medicine. Sally promises we all took our medicine. Alice keeps saying we are late and will get in trouble. Sally promises we will not get in trouble. Sally helps us get outside. She forgot I cannot get outside like they do. You need to jump and climb to get back inside. I can not jump. I can not climb. Peter says he will help me. Sally tries to stop him. Peter pushes my chair and fall on my face and everything hurts.  
Sally makes sure I am okay. I am not okay.  
It hurt to breathe. Everything hurt. My head hurt a lot. Sally says things to Peter I thought she would yell at him for. I do not think Sally ever yells. Sally helps me sit. Sally has Alice get me water. Sally makes sure I am okay now.  
I am okay. She carried me on her back to the garden. Alice likes the garden. Bunnae says the flowers are late. Sally tells her it is October and they will start sleeping again. Flowers sleep? Peter takes some flowers with Alice. Peter calls her Dinah today. Alice tells him she is Bunnae. Alice shows him how to make the flowers into what she calls a “flower crown”. Sally tries to show me how to. I can not do it as well as Alice or Sally.  
Sally puts hers on my head. Alice says I look like a prince. Peter puts Alice’s on his head and says he is now a prince. Alice says I act more like a prince. I ask Sally how princes act.  
Sally tells me princes are nice and take care of people. I told her my brother told me I did that for him. Sally says I am most definitely a prince. Peter says he also wants to be a prince. Peter says princes do not have as much fun as a Peter, though. Peter can climb trees. He says princes can not. He knows so because I am a prince and I can not climb. I only fall.  
Sally tells him he is being mean. Alice makes another flower crown. Alice puts it on my head with Sally’s. I like them. Sally tells me I can not keep them. The flowers will wither. I do not know what that means. She says I can keep one and watch. It will lose its color and not be pretty or smell nice anymore.  
I cry.  
She tells me it is okay. She tells me there will be more flowers right where we are sitting later when it is warm. She tells me there are fake flowers and she will get some and I can have another crown that way. I do not want the fake flowers. I want the ones she and Alice made for me. Alice tells me she is Bunnae. Sally promises that she and Alice will make these ones too. They will be fake but she and Alice with make them. Sally calls Alice Bunnae and not Alice when she talks.  
Sally takes me and Alice and Peter back inside.  
She makes sure Peter does not push me. She makes sure Peter does not pull me. Alice keeps saying we are late for dinner. Sally tells her it is not even lunch time yet. Sally has Alice help me back up. Sally puts me in my chair and takes me back to my room. Sally puts the crowns on my dresser. I remembered it is called a dresser. Sally tells me a lot because I ask a lot because I forget. It is in my words in my journal but I want to remember on my own.  
Sally says she is proud of me for remembering it is a dresser. She tells me she can make bookmarks out of the flowers if I want her to. They can help me remembered what page I was reading if I stop. They will still look pretty but I can not wear them if she does.  
I want her to. I still want them to look nice even if I can not wear them. She takes them back to her room and promises to come back with them as pretty bookmarks.  
I hope she comes back with them soon.  
I do not want them to wither.  
I need to put that word in my other part of my journal before I forget.

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

I couldn’t help but smile to myself as I read parts of Roxas’ journal. I had only meant to see if he was going to need a new one soon while he napped. I had been surprised to see how much he had already filled it up and caught myself peaking at recent entries. I’m glad he was making friends… But… That was also so upsetting. I could tell what was wrong with Alice and Peter, but he couldn’t. That’s… Really painful.  
…However, it does explain his temper tantrum and why he started crying about me being an adult that one day when I came to see him. I also briefly found a single page with the name “Ventus” on it… That was what mom had called him that one day at the hospital… Who was that?

I gently put it back on his shelf, the charm clinking as I did so. Roxas fussed a bit in his sleep and I was quick to make sure I hadn’t woken him up. He didn’t. I went over to his bedside and brushed his bangs out of his face. “…Well look at you. Having all kinds of little adventures while I’m a worried mess about you.” I chided lightly, my voice quiet to be sure I didn’t wake him. I’d have to offer to read him that book when he got up… I’m sure he’d enjoy that a lot.

…And I was right. He was just fine. He wasn’t how he used to be, but he was turning out just fine and I was proud of him for it. “…You go, baby bro.” I whispered with a smile as he slept.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: This hurt. Writing Roxas’ journal entries hurt me. It physically pained me. Also listening to music boxes while writing this is no help either.  
> Also, in case this needed some explaining for those of you who missed it [Because I’m a terrible person who intends to rip your heart out in every little way I can]: Peter was in a kind of accident with Wendy (thus his head problems) where she died. He is terrified of forgetting her but does so in an on-again off-again fashion due to his brain injury where he will remember her but then have no idea who she is. He also does this to Roxas, Alice, and Sally quite frequently or will mix up who they are. Alice has multiple personalities, so she’s no help to his cause either.


	37. Commiserated Nostalgia

Chapter XXXV: Commiserated Nostalgia

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

“...They have me playing the piano.” Roxas said suddenly. I looked up from the book and over to him. “…Yeah?” I asked, marking the page in the story and closing the book to give him my full attention. He nodded. “Mmhmm. Sally’s teaching me. I really like it.” …He likes it. He always liked playing the piano. The music he played sounded sad, but he always seemed the calmest, most content, while playing. He was always such a quiet storm that is was nice to watch him play and not have to look upset in some way.

“…You gonna play me a song?” I asked with a smile. “…I can’t play a lot yet.” He admitted, shrinking into himself a little. “That’s okay. You’ll get to play like you used to.” He furrowed his brows and looked up at me. “…Used to?” I nodded. “You used to play when we were kids. You stopped around middle school though, but I know you still wanted to. I mean after all, you never threw away your keyboard, you just kept it in the attic. If you really disliked it that much you’d just get rid of it.” Or at least that’s what I thought.

“I have a keyboard?” He asked, a slight spark igniting in his eyes. “Yeah. …Do you want me to ask if it’s okay for you to have it in your room?” He nodded furiously, eyes wide. He was so excited at the thought that it made me laugh. “Alright then!”

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

He pushed a key… Then another… “…It feels lighter than the piano Sally plays with me.” He admitted, still experimentally pushing keys. “What are all the buttons for?” He asked, reading over the labels. “You can make it make different sounds or even sound like other instruments. Look… If you preeeeess… These numbers, it’ll sound like this instrument.” I put in a set of numbers and hit a key, the note sounding like a trumpet. He looked a little shocked by it.

“…Pianos shouldn’t sound like that.” He mumbled. I chuckled at him and put it back. “Don’t like it, huh?” He shook his head. “No.” He studied it for a bit longer before hitting a few keys. “…You going to play me something?” I asked expectantly. “…No. I can’t play a lot yet.” I shrugged and sat crouched down next to him. “That’s alright. Play me what Sally taught you so far.” Roxas sighed and hit a few notes before settling on the ones he needed.

…He played chopsticks. Slowly, but he played it without messing up a single note. I waited until he was done and then smiled wider than I have in a while. “Roxas, that’s great! I was expecting maybe a couple of notes of something but you played the whole thing!” He fussed in his chair out of embarrassment. I patted his head and couldn’t stop smiling. “I’m really proud of you!” He seemed to shrink down into his chair and his ears were turning red.

…It was nice to see him like this.

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

I took a deep breath in of the cold winter air. I can’t believe it was already December. …I can’t believe what I’m doing right now actually. “…Sora?” Kairi called my name and I jumped, turning towards her. “…You going to knock? You’ve been just standing there for a good seven or so minute now.” She informed me. “I-I have?” I asked, face flushing from embarrassment. She nodded and I felt like an idiot. “…I… I mean what if she doesn’t even live here anymore? What am I gonna do then- wh-what if I have the wrong house?! What i-“

“Sora.” Kairi gently squeezed my shoulder and looked me directly in the eyes. She looked like she wanted to say something, but… I could read all of it on her face. “I’m here for you.”, “You don’t have to do this now if you don’t want to.”, “It’s okay if she’s not here.”, “I’ll help you if she’s not.”, “You worry too much!”, “If she’s here, you don’t have to ask her everything right away.”, “Do you want me to come in with you?” All of it. Kairi was my best friend and I was so lucky to have her…

I nodded and she relaxed and smiled. I turned back to the door and knocked. I heard a dog barking from behind it. I waited with baited breath for the door to open… “Sora!” Came the happy call of the woman behind the door. “Oh my goodness sugar bake, what are you doing here? It’s freezing outside, come in, come in! Your little friend too!” She ushered us inside and I was glad… So very grateful and glad my aunt still lived here.

The dog greeted us as well, quickly jumping us and sniffing and licking at us. “Oh, come on now, Pongo! Down!” She lectured, pulling him back. “I’m sorry about that!” She said, tugging on the Dalmatian’s collar. He was so excited that I was kind of grateful for the distract. “Ah, er, no he’s fine.” I crouched down and let him get acquainted with me and gave him a good scratch behind the ears. “He’s really cute!” Kairi commented, crouching near the dog as well. “He’s a handful, that’s for sure! I plan on getting him a Missus soon so he’ll leave me and my guests alone once in a while!” She said with a laugh.

“Do you two want some tea- hot chocolate?” She offered. “Ah… Uh…” Kairi stood up and nodded with a warm smile. “Yes please!” She nodded with a smile. “Good, good. Feel free to take your things off and leave them in the foyer. Don’t worry if you track some snow in, it’s fine. Pongo is quick to lick anything off of the floor.” She said with a chuckle.

Kairi removed her coat and boots and followed my aunt into the kitchen. I played with the dog for a little bit more before taking my things off and following them both. I was so nervous… And yet she greeted me as if she had just seen me yesterday. I hadn’t seen my aunt since I was a kid, but she had always lived in the same house in the same spot for my entire life. I was so worried she would have moved or something… She even recognized me instantly.

I was lucky. _Really_ lucky. Kairi was seated at the kitchen table while my aunt worked on heating some milk on the stove. “So how have you and your brother been- actually where is he now if you don’t mind the question?” She asked, turning around with kind, expectant eyes. I opened my mouth, my heart dropping down into my stomach but getting caught somewhere right above it and at the end of my ribs. “I… Um… He…” I could feel my breathing getting heavy. How do I answer her? Do I lie? No, there was no need to do that… But… How far back would I have to explain? She knows about our mom, right? Do I just avoid that part? She waved her hand off in a dismissal motion before I could reply with a simple, “Well, more hot chocolate for us.” And gave me a wink.

I relaxed a bit, glad I didn’t have to answer. “So what brings you to visit little old me? Goodness I haven’t seen you in forever, you’ve gotten so big! Do you get my birthday and Christmas presents every year?” She asked a small flurry of questions and I was only able to nod to the last one. “Y-Yes!” She smiled at me and waved me to the table. “Well don’t just stand in the doorway, sit down!” She said with a laugh. The atmosphere in her house was so much different than the one in my own or where I was staying with Riku and Kairi.

Pongo was quickly at my feet and sat near me, wagging his tail expectantly. I gave him a light scratch while my aunt slid in a chair across from me and next to Kairi. Her kitchen was small, but felt well lived in and warm. There were little Christmas decorations already up and a kitchen witch by the window and plant were littered all over the window sill and hanging from the ceiling. There were a handful of dishes in the sink and the oven had a few food splatters on it but nothing to overly noticeable.

“You should just make up a list and send it to me, I have nothing better to do than birthday and Christmas shop for you two! Better yet, why not give me a list right now!” She decided, standing right back up and hunting for paper. “R-Right now?” I asked, not expecting this at all. She nodded heavily. “Of course! May as well!” She rummaged through a drawer for a pen, eventually coming up with one, testing it, tossing it back in the drawer and trying the same on another one with more success this time. She gave me the pen and paper with a nod and sat back down.

“Oh also what is your cute little friend’s name here?” She asked, turning to Kairi. “I’m Kairi, nice to meet you.” She said, gracing her with one of her princess-like smiles that only Kairi could manage. “Kairi… How pretty…” She said with a dreamy sigh. …I’m… at my aunt’s house because I wanted to ask her about something and she… she’s making me write a Christmas list. I…

I sighed and started thinking. What do I want… What does Roxas want? …More journals and pen’s maybe? It was practically almost full now, so he’d need a new one soon… The pot started to bubble a bit, my aunt getting up and attending to it. “Alright, kiddos. Pick a hot chocolate flavor: peanut butter, peppermint, lavender, vanilla, Aztec, orange, pumpkin, or Nutella? No such thing as regular, don’t even try it.” She said with a raised eyebrow and a finger wave. “…Lavender?” I asked, confused. “Aztec?” Kairi asked, interested in what that consisted of. “Lavender has some real lavender in it with white chocolate. Aztec has dark chocolate, cinnamon, and cayenne. Do you want those?” She asked.

Kairi nodded and I figured I may as well. I’ve never had lavender hot chocolate before- I didn’t even know that was a thing… She set herself to making our drinks while I worked on making a list. A list. Of Christmas presents. I felt ridiculous, but this was also distracting and calming in its own way. She could quickly get you caught up in her pace, so it was nice. It would have been so much better if my aunt was my mom instead… I’m sure she’d be strict, but I’d deal with strictness over whatever you’d call whatever my mom was.

She put the mugs down in front of Kairi and I, both being adorned with whip cream. “Thank you.”  Kairi was quick to sip hers- carefully- and then gush over it. “Oh my gosh, this is delicious! I never would have thought this would taste so good together!” My aunt nodded with a smile on her face while she sipped her own mug. When I had about three or so things on the list, I offered it to my aunt. “…What is _this_?” She asked, looking at it, almost appalled.

“Do you see this pathetic little thing?” She asked, showing it to Kairi. “What kind of kid is he?” She asked while Kairi couldn’t help but crack a smile. “This is the most pathetic little list I have ever seen! What no- no video games? No fancy clothes? A car? What is this?” She asked again, smacking it back in the table in front of me. “You are pathetic! Someone offers to get you things you write down stuff you don’t even really want on that list!” She said, relaxing back into her chair. “Three things.” She snorted. “What kind of kid are you?” Kairi couldn’t help but giggle and I just felt embarrassed.

“May as well just take you window shopping myself and buy everything you so much as brush past.” She said, then sipped on her drink. I flushed and shrunk down in my chair a bit. “…Oh come on. I’m only teasing.” She said, lightly taping at my arm. “So. What is the purpose of your visit?” She asked me, looking comfy in her chair with a smile on her face. “…Um… I…”

…Where do I start?

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

She listened to me, not saying a word nor cracking a joke. The hot chocolate was gone from all three mugs, Pongo asleep at my feet. “…I see.” She stood up and took our mugs from the table and put them in the sink. “Well, you’ll be eighteen soon enough and she can’t legally keep you in that house. Your brother however will still need a legal guardian if he’s like that.”

I nodded and looked down into my lap. My aunt sighed and got up and rummaged through her fridge before pulling out a large ball of cheese. She went into the cupboard and pulled out two different boxes of crackers and put them on the table. “…Well no use worrying about it right now. When it happens, it’ll happen. If he gets better, he won’t need to be legally bound to her anymore. However if he doesn’t, I’m assuming you want to have someone aside from your mom be his guardian?” I nodded so hard I made my head hurt. “…You know if he already has your mom and she is legally fit and sound to be his guardian, they won’t-“

“But she _isn’t_!” I clapped my hand over my mouth. “I… I’m sorry I didn’t mean to yell, I-“ She waved me off. “It’s fine. I’m just telling you what they’re probably going to tell you. If your mother is available and willing to still be his guardian, they’re going to let her… They have no reason to give him to anyone else.” She looked away as she spoke to me.

I then noticed her demeanor. She was quiet. She wasn’t looking at me. She… “…You… You tried to keep us… Didn’t you?” I asked, realizing. She nodded. “It’s why she stopped talking to me and tried to cut you two off from me. She still let me send you things on holidays, but she was furious that I thought she wasn’t a fit mother. Well look who was right.” She said with a snort.

It was now that I could ask the question I wanted to, the real reason I came here. “…Um… Aunty… Who’s Ventus?” She looked up at me with wide eyes and narrowed brows. “…Where did you hear that name?” She asked me, her expression not changing. Kairi was quiet and hadn’t touched any of the food that was brought out. “…Mom… Mom called Roxas that when she was yelling at him. She said it was his fault, but called him Ventus. Do you know who that is?”

My aunt looked like she was about to start crying, a hand being placed over her mouth. “…You know there’s a reason why they could never find anything wrong when they came to check up on you. She made sure. She was determined to not lose another child.” Lose another…? “…Another child…?” I asked, glancing over at Kairi, who looked just as confused as I did. “…She never told you, did she?” She asked, sighing and seeming to lose all strength in her body.

“…She used to be a bit more… Normal. She wasn’t as obsessive… They took him away and after that she became so distraught that she made sure everything was constantly in order, swearing up and down she was a good mother and that what had happened wasn’t her fault. Ventus was ill and it made him hard to deal with… Plus she was still young and on her own and it was her first child. She had no idea what she was doing… He was probably autistic. I couldn’t tell you, now, though. Your mother worried Roxas was for a while since he was so quiet. He resembled Ventus a lot as well…”

…So that was why. Mom hated Roxas because he reminded her of Ventus, the first kid she lost. “…What… Exactly happened…?” I asked, noticing she was skidding around actually telling me. She sighed heavily. “He… He got terribly hurt as a toddler because of a mess in the hallway. He fell down the stairs and hurt himself so terrible that he most definitely had brain damage. They labeled it neglect and took him away. He was a ward of the state after that and she wasn’t allowed near him.”

…That… I never knew that about my mother. She never mentioned it. Not once. “…She loved Ventus. She really did and I’m sure she still does. I’m sure she loves you two as well, she just… She’s sick.” My aunt said, giving me the first look of pity since I had entered her house. “…How long ago was that…?” I finally asked, my throat feeling dry. “…Your mother was seventeen when she had him.” My eyes grew wide. She… She was so young. She wasn’t even old enough to drink yet when she had him- she was still in high school… It must have felt like her world was ending.

…I couldn’t help it. I started crying. I cried so hard for my mother. I never understood her and I felt terrible for it. Roxas always just chalked it up to her being crazy, but she was like that because she was hurting… Our mother was hurting and now she was losing us too. I don’t regret leaving that house… But I pity her. I pity my mother and her loss.

Kairi and my aunt consoled me while I sobbed. Even Pongo took to licking at me in an attempt to get me to stop crying. Once I calmed down, I did some basic math. Our mom was seventeen when she had him. She had us at twenty-five, so he’s… Eight years older than us. He’d be twenty six now. When I seemed to calm down, my aunt resumed sitting across from me. I sniffed, my head swirling with questions, but… I didn’t know which ones I wanted to ask now. Do I even tell Roxas this? I should, it’s only fair…

I… This is so overwhelming… “…Your mother isn’t a villain, Sora. She’s a mother who is ill and is just trying to do what she feels is the right thing. It may not seem like that to us sometimes... But that is what she's trying to do. She does love you. Very much...”

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

“Can we meet him?” That was the first question Roxas asked me when I explained who Ventus was. “Ah… I… I don’t even know where he’s living- _if_ he’s living in the same area, I… I’m sorry, Roxas.” He seemed a bit dejected, but didn’t stay that way for long. He resumed playing on the keyboard, gently hitting notes. “…I really do like the actual piano better. The keys are lighter and it feels weird.” He admitted. I cracked a smile. “Want to go to play the other one?” He nodded. “Oh, also! Yesterday, I only feel twice while I was practicing walking.” He said, hitting a few more notes. “Oh yeah? That’s great!” He finished what he was playing and I took him to the grand piano. He seemed a lot happier to play the larger piano.

“…Hey, Sora?” Roxas asked me after a while of him playing notes on the piano. “Yeah?” I asked, raising my head a bit. “…Um, the other day, Sally’s mom came to visit her. It made me think, um… I know I don’t really have many people visit me, but I’ve at least seen our mom. What about our dad?” He asked, looking over at me as he stopped playing. “…Our dad?” He nodded, looking at me expectantly. “…I… I don’t know about our dad.”

“…Oh.”

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

I told Riku. “…So what do you want to do about it?” I sighed and tipped my head back over the chair. “I don’t know… I mean… I have an older brother… I’m still trying to let that sink in… I mean… I _doubt_ he even knows about us… But… I mean… Then there’s my mom… Do I go talk to her about this, like…? And… and then Roxas asked me something I realized I never really gave much thought to. I mean, our entire family situation is just… It’s a mess. Our mom is a nut, we apparently have an older brother… And we have no idea who our dad is.” Riku just looked over at me, just letting me talk.

“…So get your head straight. You don’t have to do it right now, but work on it. _Then_ decide what to do.” He offered, grabbing for my hand and holding it in his. He held the back of my hand to his lips and kissed it. “…But for now, just relax and worry about what you want to do for your birthday, your brother’s, and the holidays.” He kissed the back of my hand again. “Okay?” I nodded. “Okay…”

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

I went to school. It had been a while, but I decided to go. My teachers and other friends were happy to see me. I got the occasional “please stay behind” so they could just make sure I was alright. I told them I was. Some cracked jokes that it was funny I came back right before break. Nothing too particularly interesting happened aside from a girl I had seen on occasion stop me in the hallway.

“Excuse m- excuse me!” She grabbed at my arm, her satchel bag bulging at her side. She had brown, curly hair parted and resting on either of her shoulders. “Your Roxas’ brother, aren’t you?” She quickly asked me, adjusting her bag. “Uh, yeah…?” A friend of his? “I’m Olette. Is he okay? I mean I haven’t seen either of you since school started and I was a bit worried and Axel wouldn’t talk to me, so when I saw you I figured you could maybe tell me what had happened.” Er… Wow that was a mouthful. Roxas was friends with her? Well then again, Axel was his _boyfriend_ , so this wasn’t _that much_ of a shock. I mean if you think about it, he probably was best suited for people like that. They could talk and fill up the empty air and probably made him feel comfortable.

“Um… Well we kind of had some family issues, so… He’s um… He’s… In a kind of hospital.” I didn’t know how well she knew him, but I told her anyways. Her eyes instantly grew wide at the news. “Oh my gosh is he okay?! Actually- never mind that is the _stupidest_ question, ever! I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to be so insensitive! Which hospital is he staying at, I’ll be sure to visit him and bring him something!” She said quickly, rummaging through her bag and producing a notebook and a pen, poised and ready to get the address from me. “…Um, well about that… You see he’s kind of… Um… He’s got memory problem’s right now so he may not recognize you-“

“Oh that’s alright. My grandmother lives with us and she has Alzheimer’s, so I know what that’s like. I mean I know it can’t be the same exact kind of problem! I’m sure it’s a different kind of memory problem, but it’s still the same general situation and I can be tactful, I promise! I mean I was just so worried because I haven’t seen him and he wasn’t answering his phone, so… I’m just glad. I’m glad he’s okay.” She said with a sigh and a kind of muted smile.

I gave her the address, she quickly thanked and hugged me and scurried off to her classes. What an odd girl…

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

Olette  
12/13/xx

She had brown hair and green eyes and a warm smile. She talks a lot. I do not mind. She tells interesting stories. Olette is very kind to me and makes it easy for me to talk or understand her. I like her a lot. Olette is very kind.

12/13/xx

Olette came to see me on my birthday. She came even before Sora did! She brought me lots of “healthy junk food” and this special edition version of this movie called Sweeney Todd and the soundtrack. She offered to watch it with me once I got a TV or a computer to play it on. We listened to the music from it with the radio I had in my room. She said we sang it in the hallway at school once. I like how it sounds. Olette sang and danced around my room for me. She danced with me too. She is fun to be with. She said she would bring her two best friends sometime. I can’t wait!

Sora came too. Sora brought Riku and Kairi. Sora had me play the piano for them. They liked it. I like Kairi. She is nice. Not nice like Olette though. I like Olette better, I can not explain why. I feel better around Olette than I do Kairi. I still like Kairi though. Riku is okay. I know Sora likes him a lot so I will like him too. Sora got me a new journal. It is like my black one only white. He said that way I can tell them apart. I put the charm on the new one. He said our aunt was going to come soon. She was going to bring us lots of things. He said she was very nice and loved us a lot. We did not see her much. We can see her more now.

Our aunt is nice. I like her a lot. She brought me lots of things. Sora too! She gave me lots of kisses and hugged me a lot and told me she loved me a lot. She said she was proud of me and I think she almost cried. I hope I did not make her cry. I like her. I do not want to make her cry. I had a lot of fun today. Sora said he would come back to see me again. My aunt said she would too. I hope she does soon. I love all the people that come to see me.

I got another present after everyone left. The nurse told me someone left it for me. They did not tell me who it was from. Just that it was for me. It was a CD. It didn’t sound like someone bought it. It sounded like someone played the piano and recorded it for me. I cried. I do not know why. But I cried. It sounded like words I do not remember yet. It made me feel something in my chest. So I cried. I hope I remember things soon. I want to know who played the piano like this for me.


	38. A Wish for Endings

Chapter XXXVI: A Wish for Endings

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

“You okay?” I asked, Roxas sniffing and shaking his head before I was even completely done asking my question. “…Peter isn’t come to say goodbye?” He asked again. Sally shook her head. “…No… I’m sorry. He said he doesn’t say goodbye because then you’d never get to see him again. I think that comes from everyone making him say goodbye to Wendy when she…” He nodded, Alice gently rubbing his arm. “You’ll come visit, won’t you?” He nodded again. “Of course!” Sally gave him a warm smile. “Well I certainly hope so.”

“I will!” He said again with a nod. “Come back with stories for us!” Alice said, getting excited at the prospect. “I will.” Roxas said with a chuckle between his tears. He was leaving today. Note how I didn’t say “taking him home”. Mom was here, but we hadn’t discussed what we were going to do with Roxas in terms of where he was staying since I hadn’t seen much of her. Alice hugged Roxas again, holding onto both of his hands. “Now, no falling again!” She lectured, making him laugh. “I won’t.” She nodded. “Good. Drink lots of water and eat cake when you’re sad to make you feel better.” She reminded again, making him smile.

“But not too much- you don’t want to feel sick.” Sally added. He chuckled and blushed a little, looking down at the floor. “I won’t.” She nodded with a smile. “Good. Now, I think we’ve kept you long enough, don’t you?” He shook his head. “Not nearly.” She smiled at him, leaned down, and gently placed a kiss on his head. “See you soon.” She said and disappeared back into the building. Alice followed us out, waving goodbye even as we got into the car. When we turned it over, she quickly rapped on the glass. Roxas rolled down the back window. “Look! Before he tries to jump or something silly!” She said, pointing back at the building.

Sure enough, there was Peter hanging out of one of the windows, sitting on the window sill and calling for Roxas. “You came back, you hear me!” He yelled at him, tossing feather after feather out of his arm. “Or I’ll have to come get you- and you don’t want me to do that!” Roxas undid his seatbelt and practically crawled out of the car window. Mom was going to kill him…

“I will!”

“You’re not an adult?”

“I’m not!”

“You won’t become one?”

“I won’t!”

Peter saluted to him and Roxas did the same, the eccentric boy making whooping noises as he crawled back inside of the building before he hurt himself. “…Your friends are weird.” I mumbled, making Roxas chuckle. He rubbed underneath his nose and blushed a little. Alice again waved goodbye and did so until we were out of sight, Roxas looking out the back window like a puppy until she was gone. Roxas sighed and leaned back in his seat. He grabbed the bag that was at his feet, containing five different journals and a CD. He held it and just sat there for a moment, probably thinking to himself.

The car ride was quiet, mom not saying anything nor playing any music. I felt anxious the entire ride home, not knowing where we were going. It wasn’t until we diverted from our usual route to our house did I realize we weren’t going home, but I still didn’t know where we were being taken. It wasn’t until we turned on the street did I realize where we were going. She didn’t say anything. She got out of the car, knocked on the door and her sister came out of her house. “…Is this our aunts house?” Roxas asked, leaning a bit closer to me.

“…Yeah. Yeah, it is.” I quietly watched the two exchange a few words before mom came back and opened the back doors, a signal for us to get out. She opened the trunk, taking all of Roxas’ bags and bringing them inside. “Hello, Roxas.” Our aunt said in an oddly adult like tone. “You’re going to be staying with me for a while, is that alright?” She asked, couching down and holding his hands. He looked over at me, probably wondering where I would be. “…I guess so.” He decided when I didn’t answer him. She smiled and stood up, still holding onto one of his hands and giving him a tour of the house. Pongo was apparently locked away in her room for now.

Mom finished bringing Roxas’ things inside with my help. This didn’t feel real to me. It felt odd. I wasn’t expecting this out of her at all. I… I should say something. She probably felt terrible- maybe even like we didn’t love her anymore. I…! “M-Mom…?” She stopped putting the bags down and looked up at me. “…Yes?”

“…I… I don’t hate you.” She scoffed, a smile breaking onto her lips. “…No?” I shook my head. “No… But… I do love Roxas more than you.” So we can’t stay there… “…I’m… I’m sorry for what I did to the house.” She stood up straight and sighed, looking like she was searching for words. “…I know.” She gently stroked my hair and it felt odd to have her touch me. She leaned down and kissed my forehead, staying there for a long moment. “…I love you.” I hugged her and felt terrible. I didn’t want to reply to her… But it would hurt her if I didn’t. “I love you too…” I mumbled into her shoulder.

…Was my mother always this small? She always hurt us so much and yet she was this small, this old, this tired looking…? I don’t understand… I don’t understand my mother. “…If you need me for anything, you know you can call me, right?” I nodded. “Okay…” she said with a sigh and kept stroking my hair. She pulled away and kissed my forehead again. “…Tell Roxas I said goodbye?” She asked. “…You’re not going to?” She shook her head and looked like she was going to cry. “No, not with that face… I can’t do that again.” She said.

…She knew I knew. She must have talked to her sister who must have told her what I came to see her about… “…It’s not like you can’t ever see him again.” I reminded her. “…But I’m letting him go.” She admitted, her voice cracking. There were footsteps and I prayed she didn’t hear them so she would have to say goodbye, but she did. She left before I could grab her, but I couldn’t force myself to take a step out of the doorway to go after her either. “She left?” Our aunt asked, confused with Roxas by her side. “Uh… Yeah, she said um… She said to say goodbye.” Our aunt shook her head and went into the kitchen.

“Well, that’s on her. Roxas sweetie, are you hungry?” He looked over at me and I chuckled. “Hey, I’m not your stomach, don’t look at me.” I walked into the kitchen and he followed close behind me. This… Felt like a dream. None of this felt real. We… We weren’t in that house anymore. We were here, in this warm, cozy little place that was our aunt’s kitchen. We were safe…

Oh how I wish this was like a story book and it ended right here… I really wish that.

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

“Piano lessons?” Roxas nodded. “Uh-huh. She said I could take them if I wanted. She said she always offered to pay for them when I was a kid and mom never let her.” I hummed from my seat on the couch. Roxas had been here for about a week now and he had seemed to adjust well enough. I was still staying with Riku and Kairi. He was a lot better and could hold his end of the conversation without trailing off or hesitating or using an incorrect form of a word. He still needed help on occasion, but for the most part he was alright.

Physically, he was still a bit tired so on occasion he would need a break and would end up using the wheelchair again. He still wrote in the journals I bought him and kept the charm dangling from which ever was currently in use and took it everywhere with him. “So are you going to take them?” I asked, tipping my head. He nodded vigorously. “Most definitely! She gets really excited when I play songs for her.” He said with a flush. Our aunt had a grand piano in one of the rooms, but she said it was mostly for show. Roxas was always the only one who ever played it.

That was actually what got him interested as a kid. Apparently it belonged to one of our grandparents who had passed away and our aunt got it, not being able to part with it since it was full of so many memories. Roxas and I would come over, Roxas would bang on it and the banging eventually turned into actual music notes, the notes being put together for songs. I heard our aunt say she was sure the piano was glad to have someone use it again. “Well you’ll have to give us concerts soon.” I teased, making him break out into a wide grin. “Okay.”

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

I was still living with Riku and Kairi, but I was pretty much over at my aunt’s house every chance I got. I may as well lived there with him and just slept over at Kairi’s. Roxas was allowed school work, but they had him take an aptitude test for classes considering. My aunt said he didn’t need to at all this year considering it was so late into the year already, but he insisted. He wanted to. Some part of me was relived, another part was upset because he was basically taking freshman level classes. I wanted to graduate with him…

I couldn’t. So I’d just decided to put off college. Now that I thought about it… I don’t even know if I _wanted_ to go to college. Trade schools sounded more appealing to me, but mom had always insisted… So I decided to talk to my aunt about it. She was very fun to be around as a person, but she was also still a stern adult you didn’t want to cross so I felt comfortable asking her about it. I was having that conversation in the kitchen with her when Roxas screamed and I darted upstairs to his room, practically barreling into the wall trying to make the small turn for the stairs. “What’s wrong?!” He had his computer shoved away from him while he was pressed against the corner of the bed. “The- the computer…! I-It…!!” I quickly grabbed it to see what was wrong with it. There was a message on his computer, the rest of it black.

 **ɷϗɣɑɷϗɣ⃝ᴥɷΨζΩβ [3:04]:** Hey, where have you been???  
 **ɷϗɣɑɷϗɣ⃝ᴥɷΨζΩβ [3:04]:** Is everything alright???

“I-It, it was fine and then everything went black and that happened!!” Roxas shirked. “Computers don’t do that right?!” I sat down on his bed and faced to computer towards me and started typing while our aunt came rushing in after me and hovered in the doorway. Sure enough, a message box down at the bottom allowed for it.

 **The Key of Destiny [3:07]:** Who is this?

There was a long pause and for a moment I thought they had left.

 **ɷϗɣɑɷϗɣ⃝ᴥɷΨζΩβ [3:22]:** …Who is this? Where’s Roxas?  
 **The Key of Destiny [3:22]:** No, I asked you first.  
 **The Key of Destiny [3:22]:** Who are you?  
 **ɷϗɣɑɷϗɣ⃝ᴥɷΨζΩβ [3:23]:** Where is Roxas?  
 **The Key of Destiny [3:23]:** Who are you?  
 **ɷϗɣɑɷϗɣ⃝ᴥɷΨζΩβ [3:23]:** WHERE. IS. ROXAS?  
 **The Key of Destiny [3:24]:** Who are you?  
 **ɷϗɣɑɷϗɣ⃝ᴥɷΨζΩβ [3:24]:** I’M A WORRIED FRIEND OKAY WHERE IS ROXAS?!  
 **The Key of Destiny [3:25]:** A “friend”? Are you kidding me? What kind of “friend” does this creepy stuff to his computer?  
 **ɷϗɣɑɷϗɣ⃝ᴥɷΨζΩβ [3:25]:** I am!!  
 **The Key of Destiny [3:25]:** Uh-huh.  
 **ɷϗɣɑɷϗɣ⃝ᴥɷΨζΩβ [3:26]:** Where is Roxas?!

I stared at the messages on the computer, Roxas looking over my shoulder. This was some creepy pasta level weird stuff… Roxas didn’t have friends who could do this… Right? No way… Besides, if they were…

 **The Key of Destiny [3:27]:** If you were really his friend, you could message him on his phone.  
 **ɷϗɣɑɷϗɣ⃝ᴥɷΨζΩβ [3:27]:** I DID. He WASN’T. ANSWERING.

So they had his phone number…

 **The Key of Destiny [3:28]:** Well then just go see him in person.  
 **ɷϗɣɑɷϗɣ⃝ᴥɷΨζΩβ [3:34]:** …I can’t.  
 **The Key of Destiny [3:35]:** Why not?  
 **ɷϗɣɑɷϗɣ⃝ᴥɷΨζΩβ [3:40]:** …I can’t tell you.  
 **They Key of Destiny [3:41]:** Then you don’t get to ask where he is. I don’t believe you and this is weird. “Friends” wouldn’t do this to the other’s computer.  
 **The Key of Destiny [3:41]:** I’m getting this one taken in, I’ll just get him a new one. You’re probably some hacker or something.  
 **ɷϗɣɑɷϗɣ⃝ᴥɷΨζΩβ [3:41]:** NO!!!  
 **ɷϗɣɑɷϗɣ⃝ᴥɷΨζΩβ [3:41]:** DON’T YOU DARE!!!  
 **ɷϗɣɑɷϗɣ⃝ᴥɷΨζΩβ [3:41]:** DON’T YOU DARE DO THIS TO ME, PLEASE!!!  
 **ɷϗɣɑɷϗɣ⃝ᴥɷΨζΩβ [3:41]:** PLEASE DON’T DO THIS TO ME!!  
 **ɷϗɣɑɷϗɣ⃝ᴥɷΨζΩβ [3:41]:** DON’T TAKE AWAY SOMETHING THAT IS VITAL TO ME AGAIN!!!

…Again? What did they mean by “again”? They were so quick to beg like that too…? How odd…

 **ɷϗɣɑɷϗɣ⃝ᴥɷΨζΩβ [3:42]:** JUST LET ME TALK TO ROXAS PLEASE  
 **ɷϗɣɑɷϗɣ⃝ᴥɷΨζΩβ [3:42]:** PLEASE  
 **ɷϗɣɑɷϗɣ⃝ᴥɷΨζΩβ [3:42]:** PLEASE HE’S MY FRIEND PLEASE DON’T

Roxas looked over at me with worried eyes. “…They seem really upset. …You haven’t been able to find my phone either?” I shook my head. “It’s somewhere in our things, but…” He took the computer and started typing.

 **The Key of Destiny [3:45]:** …I am here.  
 **ɷϗɣɑɷϗɣ⃝ᴥɷΨζΩβ [3:45]:** How do I know this isn’t some trick??  
 **The Key of Destiny [3:46]:** I can’t tell you that. I don’t even know if I really know you or not… I’m sorry.  
 **ɷϗɣɑɷϗɣ⃝ᴥɷΨζΩβ [3:46]:**????  
 **The Key of Destiny [3:46]:** I recently had gotten hurt so I have memory problems.  
 **ɷϗɣɑɷϗɣ⃝ᴥɷΨζΩβ [3:49]:** …Oh my god…  
 **The Key of Destiny [3:50]:** I am sorry.  
 **ɷϗɣɑɷϗɣ⃝ᴥɷΨζΩβ [3:50]:** So you…  
 **ɷϗɣɑɷϗɣ⃝ᴥɷΨζΩβ [3:51]:** You really don’t know who I am?  
 **The Key of Destiny [3:52]:** …No…  
 **ɷϗɣɑɷϗɣ⃝ᴥɷΨζΩβ [3:53]:** Roxas…  
 **The Key of Destiny [3:53]:** I am sorry. You seem really worried about me.  
 **ɷϗɣɑɷϗɣ⃝ᴥɷΨζΩβ [3:54]:** I was… You told me some general stuff that happened with your mom, so I…  
 **ɷϗɣɑɷϗɣ⃝ᴥɷΨζΩβ [3:54]:** I was worried that you…

He told them? Well now I believe they know him if they’re mentioning our mom, but still… For Roxas to have a friend like this is odd… “…You okay now?” He nodded, adjusting himself while he talked to the person who hacked his computer. He seemed really intense about it too… He had kind of turned away from me while talking to this person, making it so I couldn’t see the screen. He was bent over the computer and typing pretty intently…

I watched him for a while before I decided to leave, our aunt already leaving somewhere in the middle of the message exchange. I sighed and sat back down at the kitchen table. “…Well that was exciting.” Our aunt said, sliding herself into the chair across from me. I chuckled a bit and nodded. “…Sugar cube?” She offered, holding one out for me.

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

Roxas came downstairs after he was called for dinner. He seemed fine if not anything but calm. “…So how’s it going up there?” I asked. He sat down next to me and stretched. “I got all of my old passwords for all of my accounts back because of No.i. I can get into everything again.” I raised an eyebrow. “No.i?” He nodded. “Yeah. That’s apparently what I called them.”

“You never asked for their name?” Our aunt said, sliding dinner in front of him. “No.” She raised an eyebrow, but then let it go with a roll of her eyes. “You’re an odd duck, Roxas.” She said, sitting down across from us. “…So I’m going to hope this is chicken then?” He asked, looking down at the meat on his plate. It earned him a laugh from the both of us.

“So aside from that, do you really think you talked with them?” I asked while I started piling food into my mouth. He nodded. “Yeah, I think so. I mean, they said they had my phone number, knew things about mom, they’re my friend on a lot of accounts for games and stuff that I have… So I wouldn’t doubt it. It’s a different friendship than normal, but I do believe I’m friends with them. They’re also good with explaining a lot of things about my computer and accounts for stuff.” He added.

“Apparently, I was in this school group or whatever called the Organization?” He asked me, and I nodded. “You really didn’t want to at first, but Axel roped you into it.” He was quiet for a moment. “…I didn’t want to log into that one yet. No.i told me the same thing. They said we were really close… They were kind of surprised when I told them we’re not talking now…” There was a heavy silence at the table.

“…Do you think I should try to talk to him again?” Roxas blurted out. My aunt shrugged. “Do what you want, it’s your social life. I mean you want to talk to unknowns on the computer, be my guest. You don’t want to talk to previous best friends, have at it. You want to invite cute burnets ove-“ Roxas quickly shushed her with wide eyes and a flushed face, making her laugh. I looked between the two with a raised eyebrow. “…I’m missing something here.”

“NO YOU’RE NOT!” Roxas hollered, covering his face with his hands, making my aunt laugh even harder. “It’s not even like that!!” He yelled behind muffled fingers, making her laugh so hard she was practically bouncing in her seat. When my aunt calmed down, she decided to explain since Roxas was adamant about not doing so. “He’s been talking with this girl, Olette-“  
“Who’s just a _friend_!” Roxas insisted. “Oh yeah, I know Olette. She hunted me down in school to see where you were.” I said with a nudge. “Shut up!” He hissed.

“But yes, he’s been talking with Olette and he invited her inside one day for dinner and she got the wrong idea and it embarrassed him.” Roxas groaned loudly and put his head down on the table. “Oh? So is that what you do when I’m at school? Hang out with cute burnets?” I asked with a nudge. “Yes! I hang out with cute burnets, okay?! I also hang out with what is basically her boyfriend and other friend, too!” Both our aunt and I made objector noises at the boyfriend comment.

I know he and Axel still had some resolved issues, but this was just teasing. I didn’t mean much by it. “Can we talk about something else, please?” Roxas asked, his face still bright pink. “No way! Not when you get all embarrassed like this. So if she didn’t have a boyfriend, would you want to go out with her?” I asked with a nudge. “Are you kidding me? I can’t even get out of bed some days and you want to know if I want to date someone like _Olette_?”

I hummed and waggled my eyebrows at him. “Hmmmm~? Too out of your league?” I teased, making our aunt laugh out loud. “Smart, pretty, _very_ social, quick to offer to be helpful…” She added. Roxas rolled his eyes so hard he had to tip his he head back a bit. “Sora, I’m gonna…!” I laughed at him and flinched away from a threatening fist. “Come on, that’s not answering the question!” My aunt added, baiting him some more. “Yes! Yes, okay Olette is totally out of my league!” We couldn’t stop laughing at him. Goodness my brother was a precious existence. This was too fun.

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

Roxas looked like he was going to kill me if he ever got the chance. I couldn’t help but quietly snicker to myself and shoot my aunt glances to which she returned. “Oh, come on! You’re never going to beat me at this rate!” Olette chided, turning her body with the controller, making Roxas snap his attention back to the TV. They were playing Mario Kart on the Wii, curtesy of yours truly. Roxas hadn’t been feeling up to moving much today, so he was stuck in the wheel chair today. Olette had come to see him after class and offered a round of video games before helping him with his homework. She was practically his tutor and outside partner in case of any mishaps.

Her phone rang and she answered it after one ring while not skipping a beat, her tongue sticking out of her mouth while she tipped right. “Hello? …Yeah, no I’m over at Roxas’ place. …No.” She pulled the phone away from her ear. “Is it okay if Hayner and Pence come over?” She asked our aunt, pausing the game so she could give her big doe eyes while she asked her. She nodded as if even asking was ridiculous.

Olette resumed the game and put the phone back to her ear. “Yeah it’s fine. …Yeah, we’re just studying, nothing special.” I couldn’t help but snort at the obvious lie. “…Yyeeeeah see you in a bi- WHAT?! SECOND PLACE?! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!” She yelled, upset the computer Yoshi had just tossed a shell at her right before she passed the finish line, making her second. Roxas came in fifth, but was contented with Olette not winning.

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

“No, we were totally studying!” Olette insisted while Hayner rolled his eyes at her, Pongo greeting the new pair at the door. “Suuuuure.” Hayner said in the most sarcastic tone possible while he let himself in, pushing past her and Pongo. Pence quickly found the game and grabbed a remote. “Aw, man! I haven’t played Mario Kart in _ages_! I have it for the N64, but that’s about it. I have like all of the old dinosaur consoles, nothing new. Lots of handhelds though.” He added. “Wanna play a round?” He asked Roxas, who shrugged. “Probably better than playing against Olette- she always beats me.” He said with a head nod towards her.

“Wha- I do not!” Hayner snickered and flicked her forehead. “Do too- miss perfectionist.” He said with a smirk as he plopped down and grabbed another Wii remote. “I am _not_!” Hayner waved her off. “Yeah, yeah. You gonna play with us or not?” He asked, offering her the fourth remote. “Or are you too busy _studying_?” She stared at him with a harsh glare before sighing and sitting down on the floor with the other two.

I smiled at the scene, glad to be witness to it. How odd… My brother surrounded by friends and playing video games with the most natural expressions on his face. I never thought I’d see the day. I put all my weight onto his shoulders and he grunted in objection. “Sora- off, I’m gonna lose!” He insisted, trying to roll his shoulders to get me off. “Turn right, there’s a shortcut.” I told him. He followed my instructions and was brought into the chute.

He allowed me to hang on him after that since I gave him assistance. “Hey, you two are totally cheating!” Olette insisted. “Twin syndrome, can’t cheat if you used to be the same existence.” I retorted. “Bull crap!” She insisted, shrinking everyone. “Aw, _come on_!” Hayner yelled. Our aunt came out with two extremely large bowls of popcorn and sat them amongst us. She sat herself on the couch and watched us, adding small comments and cheering us on.

“I call loser!” She decided, making me laugh. “Seriously?” She nodded. “Heck yeah, I wanna play!” She said with a firm nod. “…Alright then, I call second loser.” I said, to which Olette objected. “You’re technically playing since Roxas is, Twin Syndrome.” She reminded, throwing that back in my face. Crap… Roxas laughed at her. “Aw, yeah! Who’s king of the kart?” Pence jeered, coming in first, Olette second.

“Aw, man! Really?!” Hayner groaned, placing his head between his knees and offering up his controller. Our aunt took it with an evil snicker and Roxas offered me his. “…Huh, but-“ He shook his head. “Technically still playing.” He said with a smile. I looked at him and blinked for a minute before breaking out into a smile. “Alright, let’s kick their butts.” I said, leaning down a bit so my head was level with his and playing over him. He chuckled, relaxing into his wheel chair.

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

By the time I got out of class, it was later than I had meant for it to be. I had been stuck at school with Kairi while she ran around trying to do something for drama club. I offered to help, not expecting it to take much time, but… Well let’s just say I was roped into being on crew now. When I got back, Kairi decided to come with, Riku already being at the house and asking us what we wanted for dinner via text. He was up for pizza because “fuck cooking”.

“…You know, I think we should all just live together.” Kairi decided. “Aren’t we already?” I said with a laugh as we walked to where Riku would pick us up. “No, I mean like… That’s kind of… temporary, isn’t it? I mean, I think we should get like an entire apartment house and have like you and Riku take one and I’ll take the other. Or just get a really big place like the one we’re in right now. I know this is probably just wishful thinking and I’m going to get stuck having to find my own place while you two get all cozy but-“

“Aw, come on, Kairi! Don’t give me that! You’re my best friend, heck yeah we can do that!” I decided, knowing Riku wouldn’t really care much either way so long as we had our own space. “…Really? Do you think Riku would be okay with that?” She asked with wide eyes. “If he’s not I’ll convince him. If anything, it would just be because he’s jealous.” I reminded. “…Jealous?” She asked me with a confused expression. I nodded. “Yeah. Some part of him has always been jealous of you, Kairi. You didn’t know?” Kairi looked at me for a moment before smiling to herself.

“…I knew. You know… For a while in middle school, we would have little fights when you weren’t looking.” I was taken aback by that. Kairi and Riku fought? I never knew… They always seemed just fine around me. “…Really?” She nodded with a confirming hum. “…Yup. We both loved you dearly, so it was usually over you. We would always quietly threaten the other if one of us made you upset. But we also both have our dark unforgiveable secrets that relate to you as well.” She said quietly to where I almost didn’t hear her.

“Huh…? Dark secret…?” I asked, not used to seeing Kairi like this. The mood about her was potentially dangerous- something I only thought I’d see in Riku… She looked at me and gave me one of her usual smiles, but the thick mood was still there. “Mmhmm. Do you believe me?” She asked, her smile not fading. “Do you believe our love for you is enough to create and harbor this kind of darkness?” I stopped walking to look at her. I studied her expression, her features, how she held her hands behind her back, how she stood on her tiptoes a bit, how there was no light in her eyes for a moment.

…A light as bright as Kairi could surely cast a terrible shadow. “…Yes. But that doesn’t matter to me. I still love both you and Riku with everything I have.” Kairi’s eyes grew wide for a bit, but she laughed. “Sora, you’re cute, but not very bright sometimes. You can’t love us both with _everything_. And even if you could, what about Roxas?” She reminded. “I love him with everything I have too!” I stated simply. Kairi snorted and started walking on ahead. “…Sora you really are precious, you know. I think it’s that fact about you that makes Riku and I want to protect you and that preciously kind heart of yours.” Kairi admitted to me.

…I don’t really understand what she’s talking about, but I just wanted Kairi to go back to normal and for this heavy air to go away… I don’t want to talk about this anymore. Why would Kairi and Riku fight over me- that’s stupid. I love them both very much, even if it can vary in what ways. But I also do things with Kairi that I don’t do with Riku and vice versa for him. And even then, I don’t ever do something I could potentially do without the other. They’re both my best friends… So I don’t understand…

Why did Kairi feel the need to tell me this? “…Kairi?” She turned back to look at me since I had been a few paces behind her. “Yes?” I stared at her for a moment before finally asking her. “…Are you… Are you jealous that I ended up with Riku?” She looked at me for a moment before turning back around, but she didn’t move. It started to snow a little bit again. “…Yes. Very much. You felt he could protect you better than I could. Now, before you start objecting, let me finish.” True enough, I had already opened my mouth the moment she stopped me.

“…I don’t love you any less or harbor any regrets or anger towards either of you, but I guess I’m just a little sad I couldn’t do a better job. I do love you very much and that’s never going to ever go away, Sora. But you also have to understand that Riku and I have been like that since the moment we became your friend. I’ve seen sides of him you haven’t and he’s seen side of me you haven’t. We’re both truthfully terribly selfish when it comes to you. I am very happy for the both of you- I mean it. I love you both. But that’s not going to make what I’m feeling any less, either, even if it is for your sake.”

She turned back to me with a smile and the mood was officially gone. “So you see, he may object to me living with you both after all.” She said with a laugh. “Even if it isn’t directly outright, he will.” She quickly walked over to me and kissed me on my lips before turning back around and walking away as quickly as she could.

Kairi… Kairi kissed me. …I’m so confused. Kairi kissed me. Kairi likes me. Riku likes me. Kairi… Lost? To Riku? Losing means there was a fight and Kairi lost to Riku but still loves me but wasn’t going to tell me… I never knew Kairi… She… I don’t know what to do right now. They’re both my best friends and yet… This happened? All when I wasn’t looking and for so long? I wonder… If they’re even really friends at all of if they’re just civil for my sake…?

Riku tells me some pretty confusing things and can get me angry, but I think Kairi took the cake with this one… Why did she feel the need to tell me that? Why now? I… I don’t understand what’s going through their heads… Should I talk to Riku about it? Would he end up fighting with Kairi over it? I don’t want them to fight… So… I won’t tell Riku. It’s not a secret, it’s just a private conversation I had with Kairi… So why… Does me decided to not tell him make me feel like I’m hiding something? Kairi this isn’t fair… Making me feel something this heavy…

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

When I came to see Roxas today, it was later again because as I mentioned, I got roped into being in crew for the drama club now. It wasn’t anything too extensive. I just moved props around at the right time and had to wear all back on show nights. When I opened the door to my aunt’s house, I could hear music flooding from a piano and singing. …Who was here? It sounded really beautiful…

I quietly let myself in, taking my shoes off and dumping my bag on the couch in the living room before going into the piano room. Ms. Hikaru…? Roxas was watching her play the piano and sing intently, like a little kid with his own private concert. Our aunt was nowhere to be seen as I lingered in the doorway and listened.

When she finished, Roxas seemed to light up even more. “…And I’ll be able to play that?” He asked intently. She nodded. “With practice.” Roxas quickly adjusted himself to the piano, making Ms. Hikaru laugh at him. She spoke softly and quietly, pointing to notes on the sheet music that she had propped up. I lingered for a few more moments before hunting down my aunt.

“Hello~” She greeted from her room where she was folding laundry. “Hi. Is Ms. Hikaru’s Roxas’ piano teacher?” I asked, looking down the hall as if they would be in view. “Yup. After she teaches classes, she comes on Wednesdays and Thursdays. Sundays are more free reign, but she likes to keep it at generally the same time.” I nodded and listened to the piano being played from downstairs. “…It’s beautiful sounding, isn’t it?” She asked me after a moment of silence. I nodded. “It really is. He’s lucky.” She smiled at me. “Want piano lessons?” I laughed and shook my head. “Oh, no! That’s his thing!” She let out a slight laugh, but resumed folding her laundry. “…Want help?” I offered, going over and sitting on her bed. “Why not?”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: The song Utada sang/played for Roxas is Sakura Nagashi, go listen to it. It is the most beautiful thing on the face of the planet okay?
> 
> There’s actually this KH doujin called “Innocent” that has a scene that Kairi referenced as her and Riku’s “dark secret” (but instead of a chocobo, just pretend it’s a regular bird for this fic). Feel free to ask me for a link if you want to read it, it’s really good! But as you can see, there can be this kind of dark undertone to Kairi and Riku’s relationship when it comes to Sora and it’s kind of upsetting to me that this is probably as much as I’ll ever touch on it for this fic since it doesn’t relate to it much anymore. (I’m actually just a big sucker for Kairi and Riku having a relationship like that.)  
> Also, on a side note, my mission is to finish this on Roxas’ birthday in the fic, so December 13th, guys! (That doesn’t mean this’ll be over though~ I have more things planned~)


	39. Kindness of Persephone

Chapter XXXVII: Kindness of Persephone

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

???  
01/2/xx  
Blonde. Blue eyes. Small.  
I have no idea who this girl is but she knows me?

Tuesday, 01/2/xx

“Hello, Roxas.” That was all the girl I met today said to me. She walked right up to me, greeted me, and then left. I greeted her back, a bit confused. I think I stood there thinking longer than I meant to because when I turned around to ask her who she was, she was gone. I was going to meet up with Hayner, Pence, and Olette when this happened. Maybe I should ask them if I knew this girl?

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

They don’t know who she is. They don’t know if I know her. Maybe I should ask Sora?

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

Sora thinks he knows. He had me describe her. He said her name was “Naminé”. I worked with her when I was still working at Oblivion. He said we were close, so that was kind of odd. He was kind of expecting her to see me earlier since he had told her about me. She seemed familiar to me, so maybe he’s right. Maybe if I go back to Oblivion, I’ll see her?

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

Saturday, 01/6/xx

I got my aunt to drive me to Oblivion today for lunch. Naminé greeted me at the door, but it was different from the time on the street. She acted like she didn’t know me at all, so I felt embarrassed trying to talk to her. Oblivion is really nice. I was lucky to have worked there. Maybe when I can move a bit more freely without having to worry I’ll try to do it again.

Vanille  
01/6/xx  
Orange, curled hair. Green eyes. Accent of some kind.

Rikku  
Blonde. Green eyes. Foreign? Very excitable.

Saturday, 01/6/xx

A girl named Vanille was my server. She knew me. She was very nice to me and didn’t ask me any questions about what happened. She just made small talk and smiled a lot. It wasn’t some kind of fake, professional smile either. She even sat with us for a bit. My aunt picked on me and said I had lots of friends that were girls. She offered for us to talk again sometime. I told her we couldn’t find my old phone anywhere, so she gave me her number again. A girl named Rikku came rushing from the back and stole my phone while Vanille had it. She put her number in to and told me I owed her one for making her worry. She then said something in another language and ran in the back again. Vanille said Rikku and I were friends too. She quietly told me Rikku had cried she had worried about me so much. I guess I really do owe her…

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

Crap I never got to talk to Naminé…

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

Saturday, 01/13/xx

I went to visit Sally, Peter, and Alice today.  
The girls were happy to see me, but Peter didn’t remember who I was. I told him I was Roxas, he said I didn’t look like a Roxas, and my chest hurt… It made me wonder if that was how Sora felt when I didn’t know who he was. Someone dear to you forgets you and… And you just kind of have to deal with it.  
Sally told me it wasn’t my fault. She noticed I was doing better and said she was happy for me. Alice was Alice and really liked the cupcake I brought her. Peter liked the bird feathers. Sally liked the doll. It was odd and tiny just like her other ones, so I thought she would. I put the most effort into getting her present.

Since I was visiting all three of them, we had to stay in the foyer. We played some bored games and Sally read us a story I had brought. I told them what I had been doing since I left and had to struggle to remember some earlier things, but I managed without looking at my journal at all. I’m sure Sora would be proud of me.

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

Wednesday, 02/14/xx

I know the situation with No.i was a bit odd, but they really are a good friend to me. They’re very considerate and explain lots of things before I even have to ask. They tell me lots of things I forgot- some things even Sora didn’t remember. They really think I should try to talk with Axel again… I don’t know… I’m still not completely okay with the idea. I just feel uncomfortable around him still…

I mean I haven’t seen him since I was in the hospital, but… I don’t know… No.i thinks I should. I play lots of games and talk with them a lot. They keep good company, no matter what time it is. I can see why I was friends with them, even without knowing their real name. I asked them if they were a boy or girl, but No.i said they prefer the “they/there” pronoun thing. They said it’s a bit hard to explain why, but because of their body it’s just something they prefer. “It’s the one thing I have control over”, is what they said. So they prefer to be gender neutral. That’s fine by me, I don’t mind.

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

Monday, 05/16/xx

I like being with Hayner, Pence, and Olette. Hayner officially decided I was “one of them” and took me to their secret spot today. It was in this place with lots of shops and a really large clock tower. They had a space heater, a couch, some chairs, a chess set, some old coats and blankets and a mini fridge and freezer.  
Hayner said it was best in the summer. They spent most of their time there. They also gave me their favorite snack. There was only one shop there that sold it and the owner made it herself.

…It’s called sea salt ice cream. I… I feel weird eating this. I can’t explain it. There’s… Something. Something just out of reach, on the tip of my tongue… But I can’t get to it. Some memory with this ice cream. I swear it. I feel like this town is right but my place in it is wrong and the people I’m with aren’t right. It’s only one but I can’t tell who and where but it’s with this ice cream… Somewhere… Special.

I know it. I just know it. This ice cream is special. I have special memories I lost with this ice cream. I just know it… I just can’t get to them.

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

Olette said when we went to leave I passed out. I think it’s because I was trying too hard to remember who I had that ice cream with. The doctors said I was okay and that I didn’t hit my head too hard when I feel. Sora and our aunt looked really scared for me. I feel bad for making them worry…

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

Saturday, 05/23/xx

Hayner tried to teach me how to skateboard today. I made an ass of myself. He said it takes practice. I said I was going to die. Pence takes so many pictures of everything- even my massive wipeouts. He likes his old, rustic camera that prints pictures the moment they’re taken. He carries it everywhere. He said he’s going to be a photography major and do something for magazines or blogs or something. He doesn’t care.

Hayner said I should also try to participate in the annual Struggle contest. He said it’s like beating people up with weird soft balls on you. Olette explained it better. She said you wear these suits that have these fuzzy ball things that are kind of like light tennis balls that stick to it and you have to knock them off of your opponent. You have five minutes and whoever knocks off the most wins. She says Seifer usually beats Hayner. They fight without the gear sometimes. Hayner says it’s like tuff gang wars.

I asked him if I was now in a gang. He couldn’t tell if I was joking or not. I don’t even know if I was joking or not.

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

Seifer  
05/24/xx  
Blonde? Blue eyes. Fit.  
Kind of a dick, but not really.

Fuu  
05/24/xx  
White hair. Red eyes. Quiet.

Rai  
05/24/xx  
Black hair. Brown eyes. Lies to say “Ya know”.

Saturday, 05/24/xx

So I officially am in a gang. I feel so badass. Just kidding. Seifer is in college now apparently, so he’d been busy. He got into a fight with Hayner again today. They fought, Hayner lost. He threatened Pence and Olette. I offered to fight him. Olette said I shouldn’t since I could get hurt again. I don’t understand why everyone worries. Doesn’t she know I’m covered in scars from before?

I won.

Seifer was mad at me and threatened to beat me up. I told him he just tried and lost. He got mad. I don’t think he’s a bad guy. He’s in college yet still has time to play with us and help Hayner practice without holding back. I told him and he kind of got angry-embarrassed and ran away.  
Hayner said I was either crazy or smart depending on if I meant that or not. I meant it. He said I’m officially crazy. Therefore, Hayner is now a doctor. I got Pence and Olette to laugh at that.

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

Friday, 05/30/xx

I played around in the underground tunnels today. Pence said they used to be for subway trains or something but they don’t run anymore because people didn’t really use them much. No one goes down there, but it’s still pretty well kept and well lit. We played hunting games and things like zombie. It was fun. I didn’t tell Sora or my aunt just because they would worry.

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

Sunday, 06/12/xx

I can play Sakura Nagashi.

I can play Say Something I’m Giving Up On You.

I can also play a piano rendition of Just Be Friends.

I can play the first song on the CD someone left me.

My aunt said I should play the somewhere. I told her I’d be too embarrassed. She said I should play it for my friends. I told her that would be too embarrassing, Ms. Hikaru agreed. My aunt insisted. Sora didn’t say much on it. He wanted to leave it up to me. I know how he is. I don’t want to. She said they’d want to hear it, even if it was just one song.

I don’t want to.

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

Saturday, 06/18/xx

I played the stupid songs. I played it at Oblivion for Hayner, Pence, Olette, Sora, Vanille, Rikku, Marluxia, Ms. Hikaru, and my aunt. My aunt recorded it and said I could show Sally, Peter, and Alice later. I wanted Naminé to be there so I could talk to her, but I’m kind of glad she wasn’t so I didn’t have to embarrass myself in front of her. Everyone said it sounded wonderful, Ms. Hikaru asked me if it was alright if she showed one of her friends the recording. She was a professional pianist. I was too embarrassed, but she insisted.

I let her. It’s not like I’d have to play it again for her… Right?

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

Thursday, 07/01/xx

Today is the day of the Struggle tournament. Hayner and I entered, Olette promised to cheer us on, Pence said he’d take pictures of the whole thing. The local newspaper even offered him cash if he turned in some pictures. Olette said she was writing an article on it for them too.  
Hayner and I ended up pitted against each other. No hard feelings, no matter who wins. That’s what he said.

I won.

He was upset he lost, but told me not to lose from here on out or he’d beat me up. I promised not to.

I didn’t.  
I won the tournament.  
We got this huge trophy with these cool crystals with different colors on them and I got this funky belt thing. I gave Hayner, Pence, and Olette each a crystal from the trophy so we could each have some part of it. I wouldn’t have even been here if it wasn’t for them. My friends are very precious to me.

I think I saw Naminé in the crowd today. I went to go follow after her after the tournament, but I lost her. I really want to talk to her, but she keeps avoiding me… How come?

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

Saturday, 07/3/xx

We went to Oblivion for lunch. Marluxia said Axel asked about me. He said I “just want to know”.

I didn’t…

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

Sunday, 07/4/xx

Ms. Hikaru had news for me today. She said the friend she showed the audio to from when I played at Oblivion, she really liked it. A professional pianist liked my playing. She asked if she could meet me. Ms. Hikaru said she had already told her about my memory problems, so she would surely be patient with me. Ms. Hikaru said she already was, but she’d be even more so if she needed to be with me.

She wants to meet me. Me. I don’t even really know who I am right now and she wants to meet me… She like how I played well enough to want to meet me… I didn’t even write any music. I just played other people’s songs… And she liked them.

Ms. Hikaru said that her friend said they had a certain quality about them that she liked. She said she wanted to tell me in person. Even teach me a song or two. A professional. Pianist.

I think I’m going to cry. Wait till I tell Sora!

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

Aerith  
07/11/xx  
Brown hair, blue eyes. She’s beautiful and very mother like. I think I love her. A professional pianist. She smells like some kind of flower, even from across the room. It’s not anything overpowering or too strong either. It’s light. She is very kind and gentle.

Sunday, 07/11/xx  
She seemed shocked to see me. I don’t know why. Her eyes got wide and she blinked a few times, then asked me my name. She crouched in front of me and introduced herself to me. I called her Miss Aerith and she laughed at me and said just Aerith was fine. I wasn’t feeling well today, so I was stuck in the wheelchair. My legs kept giving out on occasion, so just for precaution I was stuck there for the day, aunt’s orders. She thinks it was because of me overexerting myself during the Struggle competition even thought it was days ago. Aerith shook my hand, her finger nails being perfectly taken care of, her skin being very soft, and her grip being very light. She was treating me like a kid and an adult at the same time… It was oddly comfortable.

She played me the first song she ever wrote herself. It was very light and pretty like she was… But some part of it also sounded sad. I couldn’t place it. She didn’t have sheet music. She knew it by heart. I think I cried a bit. She told me it was okay if I wanted to cry. She waited until I was done and then asked me if I wanted to learn to play it.

She stayed for a longer time than Ms. Hikaru. She even stayed for dinner. Sora didn’t get to meet her since he didn’t come over today, but I want him to. She offered to come see me again sometime and asked me when I was free. I told her the days when I have Ms. Hikaru for piano lessons, but other than that, I was available whenever she’d like to come over. She said she may steal Ms. Hikaru’s Sunday and come see me instead.

I think my heart swelled in my chest a bit.

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

Monday, 07/19/xx

Today was Sora’s graduation day. I’m really proud of him. He said he wished I was with him. He said we had planned to go at the same time. I apologized for ruining it for him. He laughed at me and made me promise to let him take pictures of me in his hat at least. I let him. Kairi let us borrow hers and pretend for a while so we could take pictures.

For a graduation present, we found him an apprentice that would accept him for carpentering that would start next week if he was up for it. He literally did a backflip in the middle of the room he was so excited. He kissed both Riku and Kairi right on the mouth and ran around screaming. Riku and Kairi were too stunned to even go after him. I was glad we made him happy. Although, we had to stop him when he started doing cartwheels.

We took him, Kairi, and Riku out for a fancy dinner. Suits are weird and Sora apparently looks good in bowties. Both of their families came as well and it was a big deal. They then went out to party with the rest of their friends at an arcade the school had rented out for the night for them.

…I don’t know if I should tell him or not, but I think I saw mom at the graduation ceremony. She was crying and stood up and clapped when he walked across the stage. …I think I’m going to tell him tomorrow if I see him.

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

Sunday, 07/25/xx

Aerith comes over for dinner every Sunday. Even if she couldn’t make it to teach me music on the piano, she still comes for dinner. She always smells really nice and is very kind to me. She always makes sure I feel included in a conversation and never picks on me. I love when she’s over and look forward to every Sunday. I wish… I wish Aerith was my mom.

I really do love her very much. I feel safe and loved and relaxed when she’s over.

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

Sunday, 08/01/xx

Aerith took me to a very special place today. I wasn’t feel too well and may have caught a cold, so she offered to take me. It’s a small, indoor garden with lots of different flowers and this small pool of purified water. There were rows of chairs like ones you’d find in an old church and a piano where you’d expect an alter or something. The flowers grew naturally all over the room and Aerith said when she wasn’t working or giving concerts, she tended to them. This place was special to her and only a small handful of people have ever been there.

So I was special? Why?

We spent the entire afternoon there. I felt like I could fall asleep at any moment, yet was completely awake. She played music on the piano for me the entire time.

I feel like sometimes she doesn’t even give me piano lessons, she just wants to spend time with me. I don’t mind it at all, but I feel bad sometimes. I told her that and she told me it was just as important for me to take care of my heart as well as my body. I could play better that way. If you’re sick, you’re more prone to becoming upset because you aren’t feeling like yourself. If you’re upset, you’re more likely to make more mistakes or rash decisions. She said it’s best to play when you’re calm and feeling well.

I think she was just looking for an excuse to spoil me a bit, but I don’t mind.

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

Sunday, 08/8/xx

Sora was over when Aerith was today. I’m so glad he got to finally meet her! I’ve been telling him about her and he seemed interested enough. He picked on me a bit, though… But now he knows what I’m talking about. Being around Aerith makes you feel this kind of calmness that I didn’t know existed. Sora agreed with me.

Aerith seemed shocked to see him too like she did when she first saw me. Why? She greeted Sora in a similar way to when she had greeted me, but there were slight differences. Her smile was a bit different and she talked with him a bit more. I didn’t mind. If she had done that for me I would have probably felt even more embarrassed.

Sora mumbled to me when she was talking with our aunt about how she really does smell like flowers. Told him. She gave me a piano lesson today and stayed for dinner again. She asked me if I wanted to go out with her next week for a picnic lunch. Sora seemed a little jealous and it made me just a little excited.

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

Saturday, 08/14/xx

This is what having a mother should feel like.

This is what I have decided. I cried today. I cried really hard. I felt bad since I made her worry, but I cried because I was happy. I was really enjoying myself and I love whenever she’s over. She’s so very kind to me. She is very patient and kind to me. I really do love her very much.

We went out for lunch and she had made everything herself. We ate in a park and it was very delicious. There was bread with fancy, seasoned oils for it you’d think you’d only find at expensive restaurants. She also had a fruit salad and a pasta salad. Both were really good and tasted really fresh. She even made these sugar cookies with real flowers on them. You’d think it would taste weird or something, but they were edible and still very pretty. She made some extra for my aunt and Sora too.

She said next time maybe I could help her make it. She liked taking trips to the farmers market, but things there and use them that day. The flowers on the cookies were also from the indoor garden she had taken me to. She liked to make dessert and baked goods from scratch too. She… Literally made everything we ate from scratch. She put in so much effort for just a lunch with me. It’s why I cried.

She let me.

She was worried about why I had suddenly started crying, but when I explained, she just smiled and rubbed my back until I was done. She asked me if I felt better. I did.

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

Tuesday, 08/17/xx

I went to Oblivion with my aunt for lunch again. Sora came too. I saw Naminé again. I greeted her by name and she blushed. She asked if I knew who she was. I told her kind of. She looked like she was going to cry. She asked if I remembered her.

…I told her she seemed familiar to me. She said I promised… I promised so I had to remember soon. What did I promise? She said she’d forgive me for forgetting if I remembered soon. I apologized. She told me it was okay so long as I hurried up and remembered.

She told me she needed another late night junk food tester and to hurry up and come back.  
I turned in my application for Oblivion again.

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

Saturday, 08/21/xx

I got hired at Oblivion again. I wasn’t a server this time, but I bussed tables. It was a lot easier on me and I didn’t have to interact with people as much. It was a lot of cleaning, but I didn’t mind it. Rikku was really excitable and fun to talk to, Vanille was very kind and was quick to notice if I was having a problem with something. Naminé tended to stay after with me and help clean up. She made a lot of the desserts for the menu, so she offered to test them with me before we locked up every night. We had nice conversations in the kitchen and listened to music while we did so.

I told her about Aerith’s cookies and she said that was the best idea for spring cookies she had ever heard of. I offered to ask Aerith to come in sometime and tell her how she does it if she’d like. Naminé seemed really excited at the idea.

…I told her that the feeling of eating cake and talking with her seemed very familiar and gave me that that “on the tip of my tongue” feeling for a lot of memories. She said she was glad and that we’d have to do it more often. I was up for the idea. I wanted to remember. It was nice to be able to sit here and talk with her like this.

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

Sunday, 08/22/xx

Hayner, Pence, and Olette got to meet Aerith today. They forgot I had piano lessons at that time and came rushing over with a new game for the Wii for us to play. Aerith didn’t seemed shocked to see them like she had with Sora and I. She greeted them just fine.

They were quiet and let me finish my lesson. Aerith offered to finish up early so I could play with them, but I wanted her to stay. She reminded me she’d be back for dinner, so I let her go. She said “Have fun.” With a warm wave and a kind smile before leaving. She promised to use the time in between to bring us a dessert of some kind.

Hayner, Pence, and Olette seemed to like her. They all agreed she seemed really nice and smelled like flowers. I really like Aerith.

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

I decided to ask Aerith about Axel after dinner. It had randomly bugged me in the middle of dinner. I felt the most comfortable asking her. Everyone else told me to pretty much do what I wanted but it was in a way that didn’t feel satisfactory. Maybe if she said it…

She told me pretty much the same thing. It was my decision.

However, if he was someone who was important to me, I should try to understand why he was important to me before I decided to officially stop talking to him. I should try to understand who I was before I get so worried about making myself up all over again. That’ll happen regardless, but you can’t change who you were or what you did. Those things help shape and define you now.

…I knew she’d made me feel better about this. I’m… I’m going to talk to Axel.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: The song Aerith played for Roxas was the piano version of her theme. And those cookies are a real thing, I’ve made them before.


	40. To Set The Record Straight So It's Playable

Chapter XXXVIII: To Set The Record Straight So It’s Playable

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

“You’re a fucking asshole!!” Roxas screamed, following Axel out of the house and causing a scene. My aunt told me to leave them alone. It was their relationship, not ours. Roxas has started talking to him about three weeks ago and it seemed alright, but… Still, I was watching just in case Roxas would need me- for him or to stop him. “Me?! You’re fucking batshit crazy and always have been!” Axel retorted, whipping around to face him. “I don’t even know what I ever saw in you to want to be friends in the first place! I don’t care anymore- I don’t ever want to talk to you again so long as I live!” Roxas screamed. Axel narrowed his eyes and lowered himself so he was right in Roxas’ face. “GOOD!”

Roxas spit on him and in his rage, Axel snatched him up and kissed him- I think he did it in order to avoid hitting him, but it would impact him just as much as a punch if not more. Roxas stumbled back when Axel let him go, his eyes wide, face red, and head probably spinning. I stood up, just in case I needed to go out there. “Wha… Why would you do that…? We’re… We were… Best friends… Right?” Roxas asked meekly in confusion. Axel scoffed at him.

““Best friends” my ass… You’re like a doll because you’re stuck in this constant state of wanting to remember who you were and being comfortable with who you are now. So in turn you’ve got nothing going on upstairs.” Axel said with a jab to his temple. I’m gonna deck him one day, I swear… “So pick, which is it?! Do you want to remember or not?!” Roxas opened his mouth to reply, but Axel held up a hand to stop him. “Don’t- get back to me if you decide you want to remember. If not… You don’t need to worry about trying to talk to me again.” Axel turned around, got into his car and left.

Roxas stood there long after his car was gone. I was just about to go over to him and ask him if he was okay before he turned around and stormed up to his room, slamming the door. I winced and slowly looked over to my aunt. "…Still want me to leave it alone?" She shrugged, not looking up from her book, Pongo on her lap.  
I sighed, getting up and going to Roxas’ room. I knocked on his door, gently calling his name. He didn’t answer and I could hear paper being ripped. …Paper? My eyes grew wide. His journals…! I attempted to open the door, but was stopped by the lock. Damn it! The one time I’d be grateful if our aunt shared a trait with our mom…!

“Roxas open the door, please! You don’t need to tear up your journals because you’re upset, okay? You’re going to regret doing that later, I know you will…!” No answer and the constant, rhythmic tearing of paper. I just have to get him to answer me…! If I can get him to answer me, I can talk him down…! “Roxas, please? You have entries on Miss Aerith, don’t you? Do you really want to tear those out? It would be like tearing Miss Aerith out of your heart because you’re angry at someone else. These are your precious memories aren’t they…? People you hold dear? The same can be said for everyone else in there. You may not remember who you were, but these people are still important to who you are now. So don’t do that to yourself…” …it was quiet. “…Roxas?”

I stood there with baited breath before he unlocked the door and peered out from behind it. “…I’m going to regret doing that… Aren’t I?” I opened the door and pulled him into a tight hug. “Don’t hurt yourself because you’re angry with him, okay?” He nodded into my shoulder, his entire body being slack. I made note of all of the papers on the floor. In such a short amount of time, he managed to tear out over half of one of his journals.  
So many months being torn to pieces in just an instant, all because of how Axel made him feel… “…Do you want to talk?” He shook his head. “‘M still thinking…” I nodded. “Okay. …come on I’ll help you pick up the pages and put them back in order, okay?” He nodded and pulled away.

We reconstructed his journal in silence, picking up the pages, his precious memories, and putting them back in their rightful place. If only it was this easy… If only we could do this with Roxas… Take out the terrible pages, blot out the bad days, give him the good ones… “…You know when he kissed me,” Roxas started, causing me to look up at him. “…I felt something familiar. It felt… Normal kind of. Like that wasn’t the first time that had happened. …Sora did he lie? No, wait… He _did_ lie… Didn’t he? About us being best friends? Why would he do that?” He asked me. By now he had stopped picking up the pages of his journal.

I shook my head after thinking of how to reply. “…No. You were best friends. But you were also together. He just left that part out probably because he didn’t want to complicate things more than they probably already were for you at the time.” He stood up, clearly getting frustrated. “But _why_?! Wouldn’t it have been easier to tell me- so I didn’t think he was being _too_ touchy or _too_ friendly with me?! Wouldn’t that have made more sense?! So I wouldn’t push him away if I knew?! Why did he have to lie to me?!” Roxas screamed, his voice getting shrill and he looked like he was having a panic attack.

“…Roxas, calm down, it’s okay- it’s okay. Come here…" I pulled him into a hug and rubbed his back. “Just breathe, it’s okay…” He shoved me away, looking angry. “No its not! He may be a jackass, but he is right you know! I _am_ scared, I _don’t_ want to lose anyone I have right now, and it’s _not_ okay! _I’m_ not okay! I’m a mess! I’m taking freshman level classes when I should be getting ready for college or something like you and I’m not! I’m over here playing mediocre piano music thinking I can do something with that when I know damn well I can’t because some days I can’t even get out of bed! I have to think more than I need to about just what I had for _breakfast_ yet alone who I was!”

I sighed and forced him to sit down on his bed. “…What’s Olette’s favorite course on Mario Kart?” I asked him. He blinked up at me, not understanding my question. “What is Olette’s favorite course in Mario Kart?” I asked him again. “…Rainbow Road because she’s evil.” He grumbled. “Pence’s favorite place to take pictures?” I asked. “…On top of the Clocktower.” I nodded. “Hayner’s favorite place to hang out?” He looked down at his feet. “…Most people would think it’s in the underground, but it’s actually our Usual Place.” I nodded, crouching down and looking at him. “Naminé’s favorite type of dessert to make?” He was quiet again before answering. “…She makes a lot of cakes for the shop, but her favorite thing to eat is churros with flaked chocolate on top.” I nodded to him. “See? Now Miss Aerith’s favorite flower?” He flushed, but I knew he knew. “…Orchids…” I nodded again, smiling at him. “See? You know all these little, important details about all of these people that are so very important to you.”

I sat down on the floor, holding his hands and trying to get him to look at me. “…Do you know what people are made of?” I asked him, earning me the most confused look which made me laugh at him. “People are made up of other people. At least, that’s what I think. You like to read because I read to you when you first woke up. You like to play video games so you can try to beat your friends when you all play together. You like eating sweets late at night because you do it with Naminé. You like those weird dolls because they remind you of Sally, feathers for Peter… You’re made up of so many different little parts of different people. If you don’t remember who you used to be made up of, that’s alright. If you do, that’s okay too. I just know that who you used to be made up of was mostly our mom and I know that some part of you is scared to try to go back to that. It’s okay if you don’t want to. You can be someone totally new if that’s what you want and no one has any right to stop you. …Not even Axel.” I reminded, getting him to finally meet my eyes.

“…You mean it?” I nodded, giving him a wide smile. “Most definitely!” He studied my face for a while before taking in a deep breath and then nodding. “…Okay.” I stood up, letting his hands go. “Okay?” He nodded. “…I don’t wanna know.” He said simply and looked up at me. “…I don’t care who I was. I like who I am now, who I talk to… Who I’m made up of. Everyone makes it seem like it’s such a big deal that I remember, but personally… I don’t wanna know.” He finalized, making me laugh a little. “Good! If that’s what you decide, then I’m glad!”

“But… I want to apologize to him at least… To Axel.” I looked at him for a moment. “…For?” I asked. He took a moment, thinking to himself. “…Not remembering. Not caring if I don’t ever remember.” He said with a shrug as he looked away from me. I watched him for a moment more and nodded. “…Okay.”

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

“…So you came to talk?” Axel asked him while Roxas shifted nervously in the doorway. He nodded quickly without making eye contact. Axel sighed and dropped his hostilities. He moved from the doorway for us to enter. Roxas had asked me to come for emotional support, so here I was in the midst of all of their emotional tension…

Axel led us into the kitchen where he sat at the island and waited for us to join him. He didn’t say anything and waited for Roxas to start. “…I… I came to… Apologize.” He managed, looking up at him. Axel seemed slightly shocked, but only slightly. “…For?” He prompted. “…For having to say goodbye.” Both Axel and I looked at him with wide eyes. That is _not_ what he told me we’d be coming here for. “Roxas-“  
  
“Let me finish or I’m never going to want to do it…” Roxas grumbled. “I came to say goodbye to you because I don’t know if I’m ever going to go back to whoever it is that I was. You told me to talk to you when I wanted to remember, but… I don’t. If I do, okay great. But I’m not going to obsess over it and seek it out. I know who I am right now and that’s what’s important to me.” Axel watched him intently while he spoke and scoffed when he realized he was done. He leaned back into his chair and knocked his knuckles against the countertop a few times while avoiding any eye contact.

“…So on behalf of the old Roxas… You’re saying goodbye?” He asked, clarifying. Roxas nodded firmly. “…But not for the new you?” Roxas shrugged on that one. “Well… There’s kind of a mix of me not liking you much, you being an ass, and also you implying you don’t want to talk to me unless I have some willingness to attempt to go back to the old me.” Axel scoffed and again looked out into the direction of the living room. “…So that’s a yes to my earlier question?”  He asked, looking back at Roxas. “I never said that.” Roxas didn’t hesitate to reply with that.

“…Aerith… My piano teacher, she told me something that really stuck with me. She said before I go off and try to forget you, I should at least try to see why I liked you in the first place just so I don’t go losing someone so important to me. Sora also told me that he feels like we’re all made up of the people we come into contact with. So given that, you’re also probably the closest thing I have to the old me unless I can remember it on my own.” I felt a little embarrassed that he referenced our talk, but didn’t speak up about it.  
“I also… I don’t hate you or anything like that. I don’t think I could even if I wanted to- you just have that quality about you to me. I’m not promising anything, but I don’t mind talking to you still. If it gets farther than that is all up to a lot of different stuff really… But right now I feel like it’s important that I focus on getting myself back together and not on an old boyfriend.”

It was quiet for a moment before I piped up. “…At least he didn’t say ex.” I offered, causing Axel to laugh and almost appear wistfully nostalgic. “…Fair enough.” He nodded, looking up to meet Roxas eyes. They stared for a moment and I felt like an intruder in their reconciling moment. “…You know I’m surprised you still wear that.” Axel said with a nod to Roxas hand. He looked down at it and shrugged. “…It wouldn’t come off.” He said simply. “It’s stubborn just like the jackass who gave it to me.” He said offhand. Axel laughed, but as casual as that comment was, I noticed something.

“…Roxas you remember him giving that to you?” I asked him, making Axel realize it as well. “Huh- er… I… I guess so…” He grumbled. “I mean not well, but I must if he did and I said that…” Axel nodded. “I did.” I couldn’t help but cover my mouth from laughing. “Wow, first memory you get back is from when you were with Axel? I’m offended.” I said, feigning as such. “Bullcrap, you are not.” Roxas said and elbowed me. “Oh no, I am! I am so upset right now I may just cry!” I said, placing both of my hands over my face and started to whimper. “Soraaaaaa…!” He groaned. Axel laughed at our antics and it made me feel really glad. I’d have to remember to thank Miss Aerith next time she came over for helping the two of them out.

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

I don’t care what he said, Roxas is far from a mediocre piano player. He’s a mess, I’ll admit it, and yet he so fluently can play music like that. My brother is talented. It was Sunday, so it was Miss Aerith’s day to teach him. She told us to just call her Aerith, but it felt kind of wrong to just call her by her first name like that, especially if she was teaching. Roxas really did practically take to her almost instantly from what I heard, and I don’t doubt that at all. He smiles a lot more when she’s around- I’d put it on par with when I’m here, even- maybe more.

He was learning another song to play and was picking up a lot quicker how to do so. I know he used to be able to read music like someone fluent in their first language could. That may as well have been his- he just had to learn how to re-speak it. My brother was amazing… I sat and listened to him play, Miss Aerith giving him pointers about the mood he should play with for specific parts with brief little reasons as to why once he reached them. “Now the crescendo here doesn’t mean to bang on the keys to play them or get angry with how your playing- think of it like when your heart seems to swell in your chest. …There you go.”

It really was amazing… When he was done with his lesson for the day, Aerith offered to just play around and do a little duet by ear. He quickly accepted and they accompanied each other wonderfully, playing their own parts yet still managing to mesh with the other. “ _Very_ good.” She said, her tone being nothing but sincere. She meant it without a shadow of a doubt and it made him flush where he sat.

Our aunt called us for dinner and I couldn’t believe it was already that late. I still hasn’t gotten around to thanking Miss Aerith either… I stopped her on her way out of the room. “Miss Aerith?” I blurted out. She stopped and turned to me, laughing a little, probably noticing how I kept the “miss”. “I can’t talk you out of calling me that, can I?” I shook my head and she approached me so we weren’t talking across the room to one another.

“I um… I wanted to thank you.” Miss Aerith tended to give you nothing short of her full attention when you spoke to her, so it was a bit embarrassing… “Oh? What for?” She asked me, tipping her head slightly. “…For my brother. He’s really happy when you’re here- and I never thought I’d ever get to hear him play the piano again. I-I mean that’s not the main reason why I wanted to thank you, those are just extra reasons!” I fumbled to get back to the main reason. “I- what I meant to say was that he ended up talking to Axel again because of something you said to him. _I_ couldn’t even get him to and I know Axel was really important to him… So… Thank you.”

She waited patiently for me to finish stumbling with my words before replying. “Well you’re very welcome, Sora. I’m glad I could help.” She said with a smile that made your heart jump into your throat. After that, we had dinner, she bid us good night, and then left.

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

“A concert?” Roxas repeated, his eyes lighting up at the prospect. Aerith nodded. “I was wondering if you’d like to go to a concert I’d be playing in. Sora and your aunt can come too if they’d like.” She added, glancing over at us. “I saved three tickets just in case.” She said, going to her purse to produce them. “Yes!” Roxas practically was a Christmas tree he was lit up from being so excited. “Yes, I’d love to!” I said while gently taking the ticket from Aerith. “You may need to dress up a little, but it’ll be worth it.” She offered. “…How dressed up?” I asked, knowing neither of us had anything fancy like suits. “Just some slacks and a button down. Nothing too spectacular like a suit.” She said with a slight laugh. Okay good.

Roxas was practically starry-eyed while staring at the ticket. “Would you two like to go as well?” She asked, turning to address my aunt and I. “So long as I didn’t already have plans, I don’t mind going.” Our aunt said, leaning over the table for her ticket. “What day is it?” I asked, not wanting to have it coincide with already made plans. “It’s next month, but it’s the seventeenth.” So far away and she already has tickets? Wow… It must be a big deal then. She wrote down the address, the place being some fancy location called “Athena’s Concert Hall” in a few towns over called “Atlantica”. She gave very detailed street directions with names as well as landmarks and Roxas hovered over her shoulder and seemed like he was vibrating where he sat.

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

“I’m so sorry boys, something came up last minute with work and I can’t go- but don’t worry, I’ve got a replacement companion  and driver!” Our aunt reassured while adjusting Roxas’ shirt, then hemmed my pants with pins since they were a bit long. “What? No way, that sucks!” Roxas declared while I nodded heavily in agreement. “Well, nothing I can do about it now…” She said, finishing up with my pants. She sighed and looked at both of us, nodding in satisfaction. “…There. You two look so spiffy and I’m trying not to ask for pictures right now- but can I?” She asked, her eyes lit up. I looked over at Roxas and he shrugged. She squealed and ran to get her camera, snapping pictures like a mother would.

The doorbell rang and Pongo didn’t even so much as bark. “Pongo, you’d make a terrible guard dog.” Roxas scolded while walking past him, Pongo only raising his head to watch him answer the door. “…I take it you’re the replacement based on how you’re dressed and the fact that you can drive?” Roxas spoke to whomever was on the other side of the door. There came a cocky, “That’s right~” Tone with what sounded like a hint of cooing to it and I knew it was Axel. “…Really?” I whispered to my aunt and she shrugged. “What can I say? He was available last minute.”

“Ready to go?” Axel called from the door to me, poking his head in. “…Yeah.” Oh boy. This was going to be fun… I could feel it already… But then again, I know Roxas mentioned his thing with music or whatever, so maybe he would actually shut up during the concert. Who knows, people can surprise you.

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

Roxas was practically sitting on the edge of his seat the moments the lights dimmed. He had a sparkle in his eyes the entire time and looked like he forgot how to breathe. The music was exhilarating and Aerith played a multitude of songs and was accompanied by a violinist for some, the audience always seeming interested. You could feel the air change whenever the melody of the songs did. She looked like a goddess up there in the lights making such wonderful songs…

There was however, something unexpected. At the end, she stood and people gave her a standing ovation and even threw her flowers. She approached a microphone and spoke. “I know on the program it says that was my last song, but for those of you who are willing to stay, I have one more song I’d like to play.” The audience quietly murmured, but no one left. Everyone resumed their seats and the lights dimmed again after a moment. “Now, I didn’t write this, however I felt it was just so wonderful that I couldn’t not play it at this concert. I have a lovely new student who is very talented with the piano and I’d like to play something he wrote. Now I don’t want to mention any names because I know he’s shy, but I hope he doesn’t mind me playing it.”

I watched Aerith make eye contact with Roxas, looked like he was going to die. His eyes were wider than I’d ever seen them and he was clutching the armrests so hard that I was sure his hand would either shatter from the tension or the armrests would be turned to dust. He was biting both of his lips and was waiting, wanting to see if he was whom she was talking about… I think he forgot how to breathe. When she didn’t see any objection, she went back to the piano and played one final song.

“That’s my song…” He whispered, his voice barely making any noise. “That’s my song.” He whispered again, more definite. Aerith was playing a song he had written during one of their sessions, apparently. I could hear how shaky his breath was… This must have felt surreal to him… But I just know he was nothing short of flattered and feeling completely unworthy of having Aerith play something he wrote at such a big concert. “…I wrote that.” I heard him whisper to himself. “I wrote that and Aerith is playing it for everyone in this concert hall…”

I don’t know what was louder, the applause or the gears still turning in his head when it was over. Aerith bowed again and left the stage. “…You okay, there?” Axel asked, elbowing Roxas lightly. “She… _She_ …” He tried, still in shock. We were still there, waiting for him to recover long after everyone had left. “…There you are.” Came the light call, finally snapping him out of his shock. Roxas sat right up and turned around to look at Aerith. “You…! You played my song up there…!” He said, not sounding accusatory, but rather confused. “Was that not alright? I looked for you to say no…” She said, looking apologetic. “No, I… I mean… It wasn’t even that good and… And you played it- here! In front of all of those people, you-“

“Ya know, I think you’re the only one in this room who thought it wasn’t all that good, Roxy.” Axel said, cutting him off. Roxas turned to look at him, still wide-eyed. “But…! It wasn’t…!” Axel shrugged. “I don’t think that’s for you to decide, really. I mean after all, all of those people liked it.” He shook his head so hard I could dizzy watching him. “N-No way…! They only liked it because Aerith played it…!”

“Aerith could go up there and play chopsticks and I’m sure someone would think that was bullshit. But she didn’t. She went up there and played something that was just as good as all of the other stuff she played, only it wasn’t written by her, it was written by you and you did a damn good job.” Axel reassured. “…Do you want me to take you for dinner as an apology?” She offered. She was probably going to try to take us anyways… I wasn’t going to say that though.

“I- n-no way, that’s not fair! You already played my song and then are trying to buy me food, th-that’s not fair…!” Aerith laughed at him. She walked over and gently smoothed his hair out, almost like fixing a ruffled birds feathers. “So you don’t want to?” She asked him, waiting for him to look at her before she replied. “…I didn’t say that, I just said it’s not fair…” He grumbled. Aerith smiled and nodded. “Then it’s settled.”

She turned around to lead the way out, a parade of teenagers behind her. “…Aerith, you’re too nice to me.” Roxas called after her. “Too nice? I don’t think there’s a such thing as too nice.” She mused to herself while she kept walking. I heard him grumble behind me, “Well there’s no way I deserve it then…” I glanced over my shoulder briefly, making mental objections. Yes you do- more than anyone I know you deserve Miss Aerith’s kindness… “Do you all get dropped off here or did someone drive?” She asked once we reached outside, adjusting her shall. “I drove.” Axel said, waving two fingers in the air. “Then would you like to follow behind me to a restaurant?” She offered. Axel nodded. “Sure, no problem.” She smiled and headed for her car, Axel for his.

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

Miss Aerith most definitely planned to take us out for dinner, regardless of what she had said to Roxas. “Table for five, under Gainsborough.” Five? “But there’s only four of us.” I noted. She looked over her shoulder at me and winked. “We’re having a friend of mine join us.” We were shown to a table and given menus, Roxas still probably fussing over the incident earlier. Axel made a whistling noise while looking over the menu.

“Well you’re most definitely a profession pianist if you’re able to afford all of this…” He mused. “Oh yeah… You said your dad does the same thing right?” Roxas asked. Axel nodded. “Abroad usually, though.” He clarified. Tue enough, the menu was a bit pricy… Aerith checked her watch and sighed. “If they’re late I’m going to make them pay for the entire meal as punishment…” She mumbled to herself. Punishment? Well that was new coming from her…

There was a commotion out front that quickly made its way to our table and sat itself with us. “Sorry I’m late! There was this delivery that got a little out of hand since it was out of the way- but it’s all settled now!” The woman who had sat right next to me said, a waiter shooting her a glance and then looking over at Aerith since she had just barged into the restaurant. Aerith laughed a little and nodded. “Yes, she’s fine, she’s with us.” The waiter gave her another once over and left.

Her attire most certainly wasn’t fitting given where we were… She was dressed like a casual biker with a black top with a zipper down the middle of the front, long leather jacket, black cargo pants, and converse sneakers. “Boys, this is Tifa. Tifa, this is Roxas, Sora, and Axel.” She said, motioning to each of us accordingly. Tifa sighed exasperatedly, probably glad she finally got to sit down. She turned to face us to greet us and stopped short.

“…Holy… Shit…” She whispered, looking at us with wide eyes. She turned to look at Aerith, slowly, before whispering, “… _Aerith_ …!” I don’t think she could speak if she wanted to. “…Um, is something wrong?” Roxas asked, looking at Tifa and then looking back at me. “Ah- er, no, no! I’m sorry…!” She said with a laugh. “Alrighty! So, dinner!” She said with a heavy nod and picked up a menu.

…But I noticed her hands were shaking. What was is about us that made Tifa and Aerith act like that when they saw us…? I don’t understand… We were missing something that they weren’t telling us. “…You were almost late, you know.” Aerith said in a sing-song tone. “Yeah, I know, I’m sorry.” Tifa said, putting the menu down. “Like I said, there was this delivery…” She started. Tifa spoke with her hands a lot and she still seemed to be a bit uptight from when she ran in here. “The guy lives in like the most out of the way place and then didn’t even _want_ the package to go there, he wanted it at his other house and he had given us the wrong address, so I had to rush all the way there to get it to him on time, then the bike breaks down mid trip there because I never changed the damn oil- ohp, ‘scuse me kids- and then rush all the way _back_ across town to get here- I didn’t even have time to change! Look at me- I probably smell like leather and motor oil!”

Tifa added. “…We’re not kids.” I added once she was done. “…And you don’t smell like motor oil.” Roxas threw in for good measure before looking back at the menu. The waiter came and got our drink orders before Tifa replied. “…Well thank you. So how old are you kiddos anyways?” She asked, putting her chin in her hand and studying us. “Eighteen. We’re twins, so…” I answered. I watched her visibly wince and look over at Aerith. “… _Aerith_ …!” Aerith couldn’t help but laugh at her. “They’re big, aren’t they?” She asked, and again I felt like I was missing something…

Tifa sighed, tipping her head back over the chair. “…Wait till he gets wind’a this…” She said rhythmically, almost tired sounding. “…I mean… You haven’t even told him… Have you?” Aerith didn’t answer. “…I think I’m going to get a soup to start- what about you, Roxas?” She asked, turning to him. “…I think soup sounds good.” He said with a nod. Did he not notice the conversation they were having about us or was he choosing to ignore it? Axel was pretty quiet too, considering… Taking it all in, maybe?

Still… Dinner went on without another private conversation, and I found myself really liking Tifa. She taught self-defense classes on the weekend, but during the week she made deliveries for all kinds of things for all kinds of people. The moto of the place she worked for being “You name it, we deliver”. “Think you can deliver this guy a soul…?” Roxas grumbled, making me try to hold back a laugh knowing he was talking about Axel. “Every red-head ever resents you for that.”

“Is your hair even naturally that color?” Roxas asked, looking at it more to inspect it. “…No. It’s actually sea foam green like you would not _believe_.” He said in the most sarcastic tone. “…Seriously?” Roxas asked, not picking up on it. It made everyone laugh. “Oh my god…” Axel said with a chuckle while he put his head down on the table. “Well they’re fun to watch.” Tifa noted. I nodded. “Aren’t they?”

The rest of dinner went on much like that and I really enjoyed it. “Thank you for taking us out to dinner, Miss Aerith.” I said once we were all ready to go. “…He calls you “miss”?” Tifa said, raising an eyebrow at her. “I can’t get him to stop.” She said with a light laugh. “Kid if you ever call me “Miss” I will toss you into a lake.”

“Well then don’t call me kid, _Miss_ Tifa.” Putting Miss before Tifa’s name just sounded wrong and I was never going to do it again, joking or not. “Alright you little…” Tifa put me in a light choke hold and messed up my hair. “D’ah!” She chuckled and let me go. “Fine. I won’t. Alright, _Sora_?” She said with a firmness. I couldn’t help but grin at her and nod. “Just fine, _Tifa_.”

“You are a snarky little- I like him.” Tifa said with a nod towards me as she spoke to Aerith. “And who would have thought just a few months ago they were just the exact opposite.” Axel mused out loud. “Were they really?” Tifa asked in disbelief. Even Aerith seemed interested in his answer. “Oh completely. Roxas was a snarky piece of shit and Sora was like the sun of someone’s universe or something he was so bright and kind. Then this one’s head got all fuzzy,” He said making a swooping motion over Roxas’ hair and gaining an objection from him. “And the other one got all crazy defensive over him, so they practically swapped personalities.” Now that he mentioned it… We kind of did. I mean I’m sure deep down I was always as snarky as Roxas I just never really needed to be since he did it for me…

We walked Tifa to her bike and I practically found myself drooling- apparently I liked bikes. “Woah…” Tifa grinned at me. “You like?” I nodded, not taking my eyes off of it. Tifa gave me stats on the bike I completely didn’t understand but they were probably really good since she sounded like she was bragging. “Can you drive yet?” She asked me once she was done. I shook my head. “Yeah. I just don’t have anything to drive- bike permits and stuff are different from cars, right?” She nodded. “Yup. It’s more dangerous and more open, so you have to learn how to deal with that. It’s a lot different than a car.”

Roxas didn’t seem to care much and was talking with Aerith and Axel. We stood outside and talked for a while more before Tifa decided she wanted to “go home and pass out somewhere”. “I am _exhausted_ right now in a way you would not _believe_.” She said, rolling her shoulder. “Promise you’ll get back safe, Aerith? Boys?” She said, addressing all of us. We each nodded, Aerith verbally replying with, “Of course.” Tifa got on her bike and started it up. “I’ll see you at home!” She called behind her, helmet on. Aerith nodded and waved goodbye.

“…At home?” Roxas asked, looking over at her. Aerith nodded. “It’s technically all one place, but it’s more set up like an Inn over a bar. They use the downstairs as a place to discuss deliveries and as storage for packages sometimes. It’s very rarely used as an actual bar.” She explained while walking to her car. “…Does anyone else live there?” I decided to prod her a bit. She looked at me with a coy smile before unlocking the door to her car. “Good night, Axel, Sora, Roxas.” She said with a nod to each of us. “Good night, Aerith.” Roxas replied, seeming almost embarrassed to say so. “Drive safe- Roxas call me when you get home so I know you made it safely, understand?” She said directing her attention to him. He nodded, even squaring his shoulders a little bit. She smiled at him and nodded.

“Good. Good night.” She said again before getting into her car and driving away. Axel to us to his and we both got in and he drove us home. “…So you noticed it right?” I asked him from the passenger seat, letting Roxas sprawl out in the back. “Noticed what- the exclusive conversation they had about you two without actually divulging any details? Psh, what, no.” Axel said with a snort. “…It’s weird. Aerith looked at us funny like Tifa did when she greeted us too.” I told him.

“…So they know something. At least Aerith is nice enough to avoid discussing it in front of you both. Tifa seemed like she was going to regardless.” I nodded. I had kind of been hoping she would have, maybe even gotten Miss Aerith to reply but… When apparently when Miss Aerith didn’t want to talk about something, she just wouldn’t. She outright didn’t answer me when I asked her if someone lived with her and Tifa earlier… I wonder… What are they hiding?

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

“…You want me to what?” Riku asked me, turning around and raising an eyebrow at me. “Please? It’s important. Aerith and Tifa know something, I _know_ they do! You can go in and ask for them to deliver something for you! The downstairs is a bar where they discuss deliveries, Tifa said so! You can just walk in or something. They know what I look like, so I can’t- but Aerith hasn’t meet you or Kairi yet!” Riku sighed. “…What am I having be delivered?” I shrugged. “I don’t know- they deliver pretty much anything… Bring them like a necklace and say it’s important or something but you’ll be out of town on that date or something.” I offered.

“…You’re ridiculous. You’re going to make me follow them, make them deliver something, just to see where they live so you can turn into a stalker and find out who else lives there?” I paused, listening to that in a simplified list. “…Okay listen when you put it that way, I know it sounds bad, but…!” Riku held up a hand.  
“Say no more, please I’m honestly begging you. I don’t want to know, I really don’t. Maybe I can just google the name of the place- that would be easier. It was a delivery service, right? They’ve got to have a number and a location online somewhere, right?” Riku offered, going to where his computer was. “It’s got to be better than following one of them home or whatever you wanted me to do.” He reminded, turning on the computer and pulling up google. “Alright, so. What was the name of the delivery service?” I wracked my brain for a moment before I remembered.

“…Strife.  Strife delivery service.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: For those of you unware, there was a Little Mermaid reference in this chapter that some might not have gotten, Athena being the name of Ariel’s mother.  
> I’m just going to recommend listening to the acoustic-karaoke version of Hope by Yuyoyuppe for reference to what Aerith was playing for Roxas’ song. If you look up “Hope Piano off-vocal version” you can find it on youtube and if not hmu if you wanna hear~!


	41. Escapism And The Ability To Run

Chapter XXXIX: Escapism And The Ability To Run

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

I was nervous… Roxas seemed quiet. We were out for lunch with our aunt and unknown to them, Riku was currently doing what I asked of him. He was out at Strife delivery, investigating for me. Hopefully, it would go well… Riku was good at bullshitting things if you let him. He just did it with this confidence that didn’t let you think he was lying about anything.

But that wasn’t what I was worried about. Roxas was quiet- too quiet. He had been since the concert. I don’t know why, but he wasn’t really replying or talking to anyone much. Rikku was our waitress and he even wasn’t talking to her… I watched him quietly get up and go to the bathroom. “…Is he okay?” I asked my aunt. She shook her head, eyes following where he had went.

“…I don’t know. He won’t talk to me and I don’t want to go looking through his journals…” I understood that. I only did it once when he was still at the rehab facility, but that was different… This would be intentional snooping for something serious… “You’re pretty quiet yourself today.” My aunt noted, finally looking away and sipping on her coffee. “A-Am I?” She nodded slowly. “Mmhmm.”

“O-Oh… Sorry. Just… Thinking I guess. Worried about him.” I added. She didn’t reply and instead took to looking in her coffee. I heard the bathroom door open, Roxas came out, but was snagged away into the back by Vanille. After about five minutes or so, I decided to go check on him. “…I’m going to go see if he’s okay.” My aunt didn’t say anything, still looking into her coffee.

I stole away into the back room, finding Roxas talking to Vanille in private. “…It’s too much… Isn’t et?” She asked, tipping her head to get him to look at her. “…Face it laeta!” She said, placing her hands on his shoulders. “…Later?” He asked, looking up at her. She nodded and gave him a wide smile. “Yup! If yuu can’t face it nau because yuu’a not strong enaf, thae’s no shame in runnin’ away! It’s fo suvivals sake! No use dyin’ now if yuu can go slae ya monster laeta!” She said matter’o’factly, her finger pointed in the air for emphasis.

“…Is that… Really okay?” She nodded. “Of couse et is! People make et seem like ev’ryone needs ta be this big, heroic pason all of the taime when in fact, it’s ounly the natural thing ta dou! It’s oukay if yuu doun’t want to face ya problems head oun- sometimes an angle is betta! Or sometimes laeta, when yuu feel moure shur, is even moure so. Yuu doun’t have ta worry about et rait now if yuu doun’t want to.” She said, placing both hands on his shoulders.

“…Okay.” He said with a nod, his expression telling me he was still thinking about something. “…So, ya feel betta?” He paused for a moment, nibbling his lips before nodding. “…Yeah. Thanks.” She gave him a wide smile and then a nod. “Aulriaighty, then!” She said, tugging him out of the room. I quickly rushed away out to our seats so they wouldn’t catch me eavesdropping.

Vanille tugged Roxas all the way to our table, sat him down, patted his head and then wandered into the back room with a swaying of her arms while humming. “…What is it with you and girls, huh?” I asked him after a moment, watching Vanille leave. “…What do you mean?” He asked, a confused look on his face. I sighed. “Nothing, never mind.” Lucky brat didn’t even realize it…

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

Riku came back to the house pretty late, smacked some papers into my hand and went upstairs. I looked at him confused before looking down at the packet. …A work form? Wait- “Riku- Riku wait, tell me what happened!” I called, running after him and almost slipping. “…I met Tifa, the girl you told me about, no one else. I figured the best way to keep snooping like you wanted was if someone worked there. We already have jobs. Send someone else in.” He said simply with a shrug. “I’m sure you know enough people to have _someone_ be interested and willing to snoop for you.” He said simply.

“Wha- y-yeah, but…” This wasn’t what I had hoped to happen at all… This was actually a big letdown… “Don’t be upset with me that nothing happened- I’m still trying for you here, I didn’t leave you high and dry. Even if they don’t accept whoever you get to fill that out, it’s still a chance for someone to go back in there. Plus, who knows- Tifa may not be the one delivering the package to the house- that’s set to come next week at four by the way.” He said, flopping down onto our bed.

…This is seriously upsetting… But… Who could I get to fill this out?

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

“Aw, come on, Mulan, please!” I begged over the phone. “No way- besides, even if I wanted to, I’m abroad right now.” Abroad?! “Wait when did that happen?!” There was a sigh. “I told you, because I can speak more than one language fluently, I’m able to go abroad. So even if I wanted to help you, I’m several thousand miles away right now, Sora.” I groaned loudly in defeat. Mulan had been a senior of mine I was pretty friendly with and she had graduated when we were freshman.

“I’m sorry I can’t be of more help. But on the bright side, it was good to hear from you! Say, do you have an email address you can give me or something? I have lots of pictures I can send you.” I realized the conversation entailing me enlisting her help was over. I ended up chatting with her for the rest of the day and ended up catching up with her. I had missed a lot!

She had enlisted for military training, but given her ability to speak more than one language, they sent her abroad. She even currently had dual-citizenship. She was really amazing… Man I missed her. Mulan was super cool… She sent me tons of pictures and explained some of them for me. She had even cut her hair short! “It looks really good!” I noted, looking over some of the pictures of her and her commanding officer.

“Doesn’t it? I was honestly thinking of maybe going even shorter- potentially getting half of it shaved even. I don’t know yet, still debating.” I ended up talking with her for the rest of the day and couldn’t call anyone else to ask. Not that I minded talking to her, I just had wanted to get that settled today… Oh well.

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

“No way. I already have a job at this junk shack kind of place.” Neku said from the other line. “Junk shack?” I asked again, confused. Was that even really a thing? “Yeah, they buy and sell all kinds of used stuff from car parts to stuff animals. It’s pretty rad, you should stop in sometime.” There was a pause. “…But you know, my friend Beat is still looking for a job. I can ask him if you want.”

“Really? That’d be great! Thank’s so much, Neku! I knew you wouldn’t let me down!” There was a pause before a long sigh. “Yeah, yeah…” Then a click. He hung up… Well that was a lot like him, really. He was probably going to call Beat for me, so I just waited. He called back within twenty minutes. “Sorry. Turns out he recently got a job at this skateboard shop and he seemed really into it. Rhyme is too little to even consider a job like the one you’re asking, so I didn’t even bother. Sorry, Sora. Looks like I let you down after all.” He grumbled. Neku could be a bit distant, but he was really dedicated once you roped him into something.

“…No, you’re okay. I’m the one randomly asking around after all. Thanks for trying. Maybe I’ll stop by the junk shack sometime and buy something.” I offered. “Alright. Hope to see you there, then.” And he hung up without saying goodbye again. I sighed and wondered who else I could call…

I pulled up a name in my phone and hit call. “…Hey, Vaan! I was wondering if…”

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

I groaned, putting my head down on the table. “How’s the hunt going?” Kairi asked, pressing a cold can of soda to my neck. “Terrible!” I groaned loudly, but didn’t move. The can felt nice… “I’ve called Mulan, Neku, Vann, Leon, Locke- they’ve even called some of their friends for me and it’s… _Not_ … **Working** … **_Ouuuuuutttt_** …!” I groaned, lifting my head up from the table just to let it drop back down on it. “…Well don’t give up just yet. You can do it.” Kairi encouraged. Great… Just great…

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

Before I knew it, the week had passed and I still didn’t have anyone to fill out the work application for me… That plan was a total bust… I sighed and stared at the clock, it being pretty much four already… I should go wait outside for when they come… I got up and went outside, sitting on the steps.

Sure enough, at four on the dot, I could hear a motorcycle coming up the road. It looked a lot like Tifa’s but… The rider was different. I almost got my hopes up, but with things working out the way they were… The driver pulled up and turned off the bike, but left his helmet on. I went up to him as he got off and hunted for something in the sea of boxes in the back. He pulled out a box and a strategically placed clipboard. “Package for Sora.” He said simply, offering me the clipboard. I took it and signed for it, the rider giving me the box.

He stood there for a moment after I did so though… Just staring. “…Um, did I miss something- oh am I supposed to tip you or something? Crap I’m sorry- hold on…!” He shook his head quickly. “No- no, um… No. Sorry about that…” I just looked at him for a moment before he shook his head again and got back onto his bike. “…Say, kid?” He asked before turning the bike over. “Yeah?” He stood it up right and kicked the kickstand back. “…How old are you?”

What? Did it matter? Why does everyone from Strife delivery want to know how old I am? “Eighteen. Why?” I asked. What significance did my age have? You didn’t have to be eighteen to sign for a package, right? “Eighteen…” I heard him mumble to himself. He nodded and then just left without another word. …Well that was odd.

 “…Well this was eventful.” I grumbled, going inside and tossing the package onto my bed. …What the hell did Riku even have them send me, anyways? He didn’t tell me I couldn’t open it when it got here, so… I peeled back the wrapping of the box, tore away the packaging tape and opened it up. “…A phone? The hell?” I already had a phone… It was dead too. Wonderful. I sighed and tossed it back on the bed.

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

“So the package came today. Four on the dot- they’re pretty prompt.” I added from my spot at the table. “Oh yeah? So the phone came in?” I nodded. “Yup. Dead as a door nail.” I added. “…Well did you charge it?” Riku asked me dumbly. “…No. Why?” He rolled his eyes. “What you think I’m going to go out of my way to buy a phone with such an extensive battery life and not use it for something?” He said, getting up and going upstairs. “Where’d you put it?” He called down to me. “On the bed.” I called back.

Kairi watched the exchange without a word. She was probably just as curious as I was though. Riku came back downstairs with the phone and charger in hand. He plugged it in and left it, coming back over and eating dinner with us without so much as another mention of the phone. However, Kairi and I were eagerly awaiting whatever it was he was going to tell us happened with the phone.

Once we finished eating, he checked on the phone and turned it on, Kairi and I hovering over his shoulders. He went to an app- a recording app? “…Oh my god.” I whispered, it clicking in my head. “…Riku that’s so stalker-ish!” He snorted. “Says the one who wanted me to scope out the joint in the first place.” He retorted.

There was a recording fourty-eight hours long. “…You got two days. Hope we at least get a name out of this or I’ll be pissed.” He grumbled. He sat down and hit play then handed me the phone. This was going to be a long evening…

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

For the most part, a lot of it was quiet. We ended up going to bed and finishing up the next day. We skipped forward about every five minutes or so if we knew it was late. Sure enough, we could hear Tifa, Miss Aerith, and a third person who was a constant just as much as they were on the recording. There was the occasional other customer who came into the shop in person, but that was about it. A lot of the conversation was about deliveries, nothing special. It only had two hours left and I was getting let down again… Not even a name…

“…Hey, Cloud?”  
“Yeah?”  
“You know that package that kid brought us for next week?”  
“The one for the place way out there?”  
“Yeah, that one. Can you do deliveries that day? Aerith and I already had plans to go do something else. It won’t be a bother, will it?”  
“…No, it’s fine.”  
“Okay thanks!”  
There was a long pause. “…You know you two have been acting a bit odd.”  
“Us?” Tifa snorted. “You should look in a mirror, pal.”  
“…Tifa, I’m being serious. You two aren’t hiding something, are you?”  
“Yes, we are. We’re hiding the cookies we bought last week so we can eat them ourselves without sharing.”  
“...Tifa.”  
“Well what do you _want_ me to say, Cloud? You’re not exactly being specific here, either.”  
There was brief shuffling. “…Never mind, forget it.”  
“No- no! You’re not going to start this crap with me and then just drop it because-“  
“It’s turning into an argument. I didn’t want to fight, I just wanted to ask you about it.”  
“Well then let’s talk about it! What part do you want to talk about? Maybe what happened in high school?”  
“Tifa, what the hell does that have to do with anything?”  
“I don’t know, Cloud! _You_ tell _me_!”  
“I messed up, what else do you want me to say? It’s _over_.”  
“Oh so you consider him a mess up?”  
“That’s not what I meant and you damn well know it. I meant that relationship was a damn mess up.”  
“Oh yeah? So everything that came out of it was?”  
“Why do you keep bringing him up, you know that’s not how I feel about him.”  
“ _Bullshit_! When’s the last time you went to see him- call him even?”  
There was another long pause. “You can’t even answer me, can you?! Next you’re going to try making up this bullshit excuse that he’d be better off without you and you _know_ that’s not true, Cloud! You _know_ Ventus wants to see you!”

I looked over at Riku with wide eyes. What… Ventus? My brother? What…? What does… Tifa and Miss Aerith are _definitely_ hiding something… They know about Ventus, but what does he have to do with this Cloud guy?

“…Tifa does this have to do with what you and Aerith have been up to lately?”  
“Are you kidding me?! You’re turning this back around on us?!”  
“…I’m not turning it back around on anyone. You brought it up after I asked you what was going on with you two. So if you’re getting angry over it, it means you’ve been thinking about it for some reason or another.”  
“…You know what, your right, I have. Jeezus, Cloud! …When’s the last time you even tried to talk to her, huh? His mom.”  
“…Not since she left.”  
“…You never cared about why?”  
“…I used to.”  
“…I think you should care again.”  
“…I take it you know why I should and aren’t going to tell me?”  
“…No. Aerith made me promise not to.”

There was a heavy sigh, shoes on the floor… And it was over. Not once during the entire recording did this guy raise his voice while talking to Tifa. Not once… That was the extent of it, the rest being Tifa just grumbling to herself before the recording cut off. …I got a name. Cloud. Cloud. I kept saying it to myself in my head over and over…

…I needed to call my mom. No wait… I should go see her in person. She couldn’t avoid me or the question that way. I got up and grabbed shoes, throwing them on my feet and chanting his name over and over and over in my head… Cloud, Cloud, Cloud… “Sora, where are you going?” Kairi asked, following after me.

…Wait. If there were only three people working there, and only one of them was a guy… Cloud… “…He was at the house today.” I whispered to myself in realization, stopping dead in my tracks to the car. “What?” Kairi asked, probably not hearing me. “Cloud! He was at the house today- he made the delivery! He… He was here!” I said, grabbing her by her shoulders. I felt so close to _something_ …! I didn’t know what, but I just knew it… I knew it!

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

I knocked on the door like I was going to lose my head if she didn’t open it right away. I rang the bell, pounded on the door, rang the bell- “What?!” Came the annoyed yell as she whipped open the door. “Ah- Sora…”  
“Who’s Cloud?” I blurted out. She seemed taken aback- literally. She leaned back the moment I asked her, her hand clutching her chest. “…Wh-What?” She asked, her eyes wide in fear. “Who’s Cloud?” I asked again, Kairi behind me. She tugged on my arm. “Sora I don’t think this is-“

“No! I wanna know! Who’s Cloud?!” I yelled, yanking my arm back from her. She couldn’t avoid answering me. I wouldn’t let her… “…Where did you hear that name?” She asked me, studying me. “…Does it matter where I heard it? _Who_ is he?” I asked sharply. “…I…” My mom took a step back- and then tried to close the door. I quickly shoved my foot in the way and pushed back. “No. Don’t you _dare_! I’ve _never_ asked _anything_ from you- now this is the one time I’m going to, so you _answer me_ …!” I sounded more desperate than I did angry…

“I don’t want to talk about it!” She yelled back. “I already know about Ventus- what else is there not to talk about?!” She stopped pushing back. “He knows who Ventus is- doesn’t he? Who _is_ he?” I asked her again. “…He’s…” She took in a breath and let it back out, shaking terribly. “…He’s someone I tried to forget about…” She opened the door and turned her back to me. She walked into the living room and I took that as a prompt to follow. I respectfully took off my shoes, Kairi doing the same. The back door had been replaced, the living room rearranged.

She sat down on the couch and I preferred to stand, Kairi still lurking behind me. “…He’s… What do you know about Ven?” She asked, looking up at me. …Ven? Not Ventus? She was using a nickname for a kid she was trying to forget about? Detach herself from? “…I know he’s the reason why you always want the house to be clean. He’s the reason why you hate Roxas. You had him when you were seventeen, I know that he wasn’t well and it only got worse after he fell down the stairs. I know… I know they took him from you.” She nodded to herself, taking in everything I just said.

“…When I had Ven,” She started and I noticed she was shaking… This was never a conversation she intended to have with me… “I was lucky enough to have his father still be there. He didn’t leave after he found out I was pregnant. He stayed with me… Even after Ven was taken away. He was with me for a long time after that… And then I got pregnant again. I couldn’t… I…” She put her hand over her mouth and her eyes started to water. “…I broke up with him and moved a few towns over without telling him where I went. I stopped speaking to him. …And I had you two.”

I looked at her, confused and shook my head. “…Why would you do that? If he was still willing to be there for you, why would you do that?” I heard my voice shake. I was angry with her… I was so angry with my mother. “I just panicked- all I could think of was what happened with Ven and I just…! I thought if it was just me, I’d have more control over the situation and I wouldn’t have to worry about thinking Cloud was home and taking a nap and having Ven fall and hurt himself and then be taken from me! I didn’t want to lose you two again because I was being codependent!”

“…Cloud… Cloud is…” I almost fell over. “Woah- Sora…!” Kairi grabbed for me and gently lowered me to the ground. “He’s…” I met… I met my dad today. I… He… “He…” I _met_ him… “…Miss Aerith… Miss Aerith and Tifa… They _knew_...” My mom slid off of the couch and sat in front of me, grabbing for my hands. “Sora, I’m sorry… I’m so sorry…” They knew… They knew who Roxas and I were and they…

They weren’t going to tell us? Or were they waiting for Cloud to figure it out? Was Miss Aerith planning on introducing him to us…? Should I wait and see if she does or…? But what if he doesn’t want to see us? He doesn’t go see Ven… “Sora?” My mom called my name and I was so far into my head I didn’t even hear her.

What do I even do? Do I just march up to the delivery place, ask to see him and go “so you know the girl you were with forever ago in high school? The crazy one? Yeah, well I’m her kid! Oh also, there’s two of us, hi!” That’s…! I can’t do that…! What do I do…?! Do I even tell Roxas? I mean what would he try to do? He’s barely got a handle on who _he_ is yet alone…!

I pulled away from my mother and Kairi. “I need a minute.” I got up and went outside and started doing laps around the house. I pulled the phone out of my pocket and just stared at it. I put headphones in and pulled up the recording again. I listened to every little thing he said… How he spoke, his tone… And I took it all in. This person was my dad… I could have grown up with him if she hadn’t… She took everything good we could have had away from us…

…Cloud… Did he know? Is that why he asked me how old I was? Was he placing it on the timeline in his head? Did I look like him at all, I wonder? Was my name special in any way to him? …It could have been. Or maybe she did it out of irony… Cloud and my name meaning sky and all of that… I don’t know. I…

I just listened. I just listened to my dad talk on a secret recording and did laps around my mom’s house. That was all I _could_ do right now…

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

I don’t. Know what. To do. I’ve been avoiding going over on Sundays, telling my aunt and Roxas I already had plans or wasn’t feeling well. Today however, I was dragged along. Roxas wasn’t taking no for an answer. “Aerith misses you.” He said, not letting go of my wrist as we went inside. “She’s been asking where you’ve been. You’re not angry with her are you?” He asked, shooting me a worried glance over his shoulder. “What? No, no! I’m not…” …At least I don’t think I was angry with her… I just knew I wasn’t happy with her. She and Tifa had kept that from us… When were they going to tell us? Were they even going to at all?

Roxas pulled me into the piano room, sat me down in my usual spot, opened the piano and played something for me. It was light, but being played on the deeper notes of the piano. He had to use both hands constantly to play the piece. It was easily an intense piece, yet held some kind of jovialness about it. That’s exactly what made it so sad. It was like listening to an instrument pretend to be happy… Like the feeling you got in your chest when you lied to someone you loved and said everything was fine… This piece was like an embodiment of that in music.

There was even simplistic parts that mocked the deeper melody in a higher tone that were much simpler to play, then seemed to talk with the deeper parts of the piano, the deeper notes taking their victory in the conversation and were accompanied by pitiful, intense higher notes. The higher notes didn’t die out however… They just became quieter, left alone… Retorted to by the deeper notes… That seemed to almost sympathize… And the general melody was being played once again. No closure.

Roxas played the general melody once more, but with a single hand with higher notes that left an echo as each was hit… It sounded so pathetic… Then they were accompanied by more key strokes, they grew louder, his foot on the pedal that held the notes, then it calmed down and went back to the general melody and the volume was normal again and ended on this kind of over used type of note set that made you think of a sunrise at the end.

He stopped playing and looked over at me. “…You don’t have to cry…” He grumbled. “I’m sorry… I’ve just… I’ve got a lot going on in my head right now and I’m kind of jealous you have a way of expressing that without having to say anything…” Roxas snorted and sat next to me. “…Is that what you think that is?” I nodded. “…You’ve been upset lately, but haven’t been talking to me or aunty.” He didn’t reply. “…You either. You’ve been avoiding us.” There was silence for a while. “…I know you think it’s great I have a way to vent… But if no one understands it, there’s no point. People need to be able to communicate in a way that someone else can understand… You know I was upset but you didn’t know why. It’s not exactly helpful… So there’s nothing to be jealous of.”

“…Yeah but… It’s for you, personally. Sometimes you want to tell people things without actually telling them… Or you don’t know how to yet unless you sort it out with yourself first.” Roxas looked over at me, leaning forwards a bit. “…Well, that’s why we talk to people, isn’t it? Because sometimes parts of us don’t _want_ to have to deal with it all on our own. We already know that’s stupid since they’re only going to help… They won’t laugh at us or get too angry with us… But we avoid doing it anyways.”

“…Roxas do you want to talk about something?”  
“…Only if you do.”

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

Friday, 9/28/xx

…I had sex apparently. With Axel. He told me about it. He told me in detail… And I was kind of glad he did. It sounded… It… He said we laughed a lot. He said we poked and joked at one another and I liked to claw at him. He said he liked how I sounded. He told me in so much detail I don’t know how he wasn’t embarrassed… I don’t even like writing all of this down like this… But he said we did. I believe him.

…He is attractive. I’ll give him that. I had him tell me a lot of things about us… I’m… I’m really upset I don’t remember it. I cried. I apologized again. He told me it wasn’t my fault and kissed my head. It just felt so natural… He pulled me close and wrapped his arms around me and kissed my head… I liked how it felt.

I had him kiss me again like the day on the porch… Only without him being angry with me. I can see why I dated him. He’s fun to be with. If I was upset all of the time, I can see why I dated him. He made me comfortable- laugh a lot. Even as he kissed me a lot, he cracked jokes… He made out with me on our aunts couch while she was out. I felt kind of bad for doing that. He told me I shouldn’t worry so much… Or next time he could just take me to his house.

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

Saturday 10/6/xx

It kind of just… Happened. I feel like I should tell Sora. I cried afterwards. Axel panicked and asked me if he had hurt me. I told him I felt terrible for not remembering something like that. I laughed so hard my stomach hurt and I felt so good I blacked out a little. I know we’re not officially dating or anything, but I don’t know exactly what you’d call this… Friends with benefits sounds kind of sleezy… Besides, it’s not like I want to do that with anyone else- I didn’t even know I wanted to do it with him, really…

We just… Kind of made out and then ended up having sex on his couch. It felt totally natural to go from having his tongue in my mouth to be totally naked under him- he was smooth like that I guess. I know I told him I wanted to concentrate on myself right now… And I do. Which is why I feel conflicted. I feel bad for doing something like that after I told him that… Is wanting to stick to that make me a bad person? But is it also wrong for me to go back on my word and want him to touch me again- to want to feel him like that? I feel like I owe him something- an apology…? Avoidance? More sex? I don’t know…

…I don’t exactly regret it, but… I have mixed feelings about it. I just feel like a big liar… To him and myself…

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

Tuesday, 10/9/xx

I talked to Vanille today. She told me that it was okay if I wanted to avoid my problems for a little bit- sort myself out first, come back to them later… Does that mean avoiding Axel entirely or just the discussion about what happened? What if it happens again if I’m alone with him? Should I just avoid being alone with him…? Would he notice? …I don’t know what to do, but I think I want to take Vanille’s advice…  
I’ll face it later. It’s not running away. It’s just regrouping until I’m strong enough to deal with the problem. …So why does this feel wrong to me?

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

I looked up from the pages he wanted me to read and stared at him with wide eyes. “…You had sex with him?” I hissed in disbelief. “I know- I know…!” He groaned, flopping over on the couch and covering his face with a pillow. “…But it was great…! We may or may not have done it to Keaton Henson but I also may or may not have been too embarrassed to write that down yet among other details.” He added, his voice being muffled from behind it. Oh my god he is ridiculous… “I’m a shitty person… A really gay, forgetful, shitty person who doesn’t know what to do with themselves…” He grumbled.

“…But you liked Olette, so you’re not totally gay.” I pointed out. He grunted. “I don’t know, I don’t think I care enough to figure it out… …Sora why is everyone hot?” He whimpered. “Mostly Axel. If he wasn’t hot I don’t think I’d be putting up with his shitty personality… His shitty, shitty, really shitty, obnoxiously wonderful personality…” He grumbled. “…Why do I feel like you’re not talking about his personality?” There was another loud, muffled groan. “…I’m not.”

“I don’t need to know this.” He tossed the pillow on the floor. “I knoooow…” He whined. “But what do I do? I just fucked my best friend- _again_!” He sat up and held his ankles. “Well, you were actually kind of a thing last time you… You know, “blacked out”.” I said, making quotation motions with my hands. “Shut up.” He smacked my arm. “Ow!”

“Seriously though, what do I do?” He asked me, looking terribly worried. “…Well, maybe it would actually be better if you were dating him again. You spent a lot of time with him, so maybe he can take you places you used to go and jog some memories you’ve got hiding in that head of yours.” I offered. “…You think so?” He asked, furrowing his eyebrows. I shrugged. “What’s it really going to hurt?” Aside from you and him but that’s not the point I’m trying to make… “If you like him, it’s only going to hurt you if you hold back again.” He looked at me confused. “…Again?” I nodded. “Yeah. You refused to date him for the longest time because you were really scared of him finding out about what happened with mom.”

“…So… He found out?” He asked, his gaze slowly falling as his eyes studied something that wasn’t there for me to see. “…Yeah.” He looked up at me, brows still furrowed. “And he wanted to date me anyways? He knows I take meds and got hurt and don’t eat well and he still…?” I nodded. “…He did.”  
“…What the fuck is wrong with him to like someone like me? Jeezus he’s fucking batshit...” He grumbled, sounding like his old self.

“…Yeah, I totally think you should date him again. You sounded just like the old you.” I said with a laugh. “Seriously?” He asked, looking slightly appalled. “I talked like that? All the time?” I nodded. “Yup. Half of your vocabulary consisted of clever ways to incorporate the word “fuck” into a sentence.” I got him to laugh a little bit. “That’s terrible!” I nodded with a smile. “Well, worse has happened so I think you were allowed that at least.” I offered. I noticed something then. Roxas was cursing much less and I was cursing more casually. …We were mixing.

“…Okay, so…” He said with a sigh. “…You think I should date him again?” I nodded. “Yeah. I don’t see why not. If you like him, you may as well. No need to hold back anymore.” I offered. “…I guess…” He mumbled, holding onto his ankles again. “…So… What about you? You wanted to talk about something too right?”

…Crap. “Um, yeah… See, um… I kind of… Long story short, I found our dad.” Roxas’ eyes grew wide. “You… You did?” He asked, voice barely above a whisper. I nodded. “…Yeah, he um-“  
“Roxas? Aerith is here for your piano lesson!” Our aunt called, cutting me short. Roxas’ eyes grew wider for a second, encouraging me to hurry up and tell him without actually saying so. I hesitated and within that short time was all it took for Aerith to enter the room.

“Oh, Sora!” She said, a smile on her features. “How have you been? I haven’t seen you in a while.” She said, giving me a warm smile. “Uh, yeah… I um… I’ve been busy.” I mumbled, looking away from her. I felt guilty since I basically just lied right to her face… But she lied to me too. Someone like Aerith lied to me… I shouldn’t feel this guilty, but I did. “Well it’s good to see you again. Are you staying for dinner?” I stood up and brushed myself off, not able to look in her the eyes. Roxas watched quietly. “Um… Uh…”

“Yes, he is.” Roxas cut in before I could slink away. “Oh that’s wonderful.” Aerith said, pressing her fingertips together. “I’m really glad. I’ve been meaning to catch you two at the same time so I could tell you something.” Tell us… Something? Was it related to Cloud? Was she going to tell us? Now I felt even worse for hiding from her and lying…

But… What if it wasn’t? What if I was getting my hopes up for nothing? I don’t think I can handle that… I really hope she was going to tell us. Before I realized it, Roxas’ piano lesson was over and it was dinner time and my feelings still weren’t sorted out about what Aerith wanted to tell us. I wanted to puke and having to eat in front of everyone else and fake a good mood was going to kill me… But I’ve done it before. So why… Why was this so different? What was the new circumstance that made this harder than it usually was?

…Maybe it was the lack of having to fake it for Roxas’ sake. He was already happy. He didn’t have to worry about protecting me anymore. So lying to him would only hurt him. Lying to Aerith would also hurt him. I was tired of him being hurt. I was so sick and tired of it… “So,” Aerith started once she finished laughing. “Now that I’ve _finally_ got both of you here, there’s something I’ve been meaning to tell the two of you.“

I stood up and took my phone out of my pocket. “I’m sorry it’s been vibrating for a while now, I’ll be right back. I’ll just take care of this real quick…” I said, hitting a button as I went in the other room. “…Hello? …Yeah, I a- …Yeah. Yeah no I’ll be over right now.” I said, quickly grabbing my coat from the front. “I’m sorry, something happened with Kairi at the house, I have to go.” I said quickly and left, sure I was looking pale. I forced myself to walk quickly without breaking out into a sprint.

I got in Riku’s car that he had let me drive to my aunts for the day and started it up, carefully pulling out of the drive. I waited until I was halfway back to the house before I couldn’t do it anymore. I had to pull over. I couldn’t see I was crying so hard. I pulled out my phone and called Riku. “Hey, you. Finally stayed for dinner at your aunts again? I’m sure that made your brother hap- Sora, you okay?”

“What if he doesn’t want us?!” I blurted out, the dam breaking as I started sobbing in the car. “You heard what Tifa said to him on the tape about Ventus! What if he doesn’t want us like he doesn’t want Ven?! What if they didn’t tell him because they _know_ he doesn’t want us- or worse, what if they did and he told them he didn’t?! I… I don’t wanna… I’m scared…! I’m so scared…! I went and did this all on my own like an idiot without even thinking through any of this!”

“Sora where are you?” I sniffed and glanced around for a street sign. I didn’t see one, but… “I’m halfway to the house, but I’m pulled over on the curb because I’m a big baby who couldn’t see because he was crying so hard and didn’t want to die.” I blubbered. “Okay.” He said simply. “Stay there until you feel alright to drive, okay?” I hiccupped and wiped my nose. “Okay… I also lied and said something happened with Kairi to leave early… Aerith was going to tell us something. She said she had been waiting to get us both together to tell us and I just… I panicked. I didn’t want to hear it…! All I could think of was what if she was going to tell us about Cloud? I…”

“Sora babe, breathe- you’re hyperventilating.” I gasped for air, the car feeling like it was shrinking in size and oxygen. I rolled down my window and stuck my head out of it, gasping desperately for the autumn air. “I just…!” I sobbed, not caring much if someone saw me. I sobbed hysterically. But truthfully… Which was worse? Having a mother who wanted you but beat the crap out of you physically, emotionally, and mentally, or having someone you had this ideal fantasy about who you’ve never actually met not want you?

Without even realizing it, I had built up this image of the person that was my father: That he would love us and care for us. That he would make Roxas and I feel like we were part of an actual family. That he wouldn’t make us feel ashamed to call him our dad. I already had a wonderful family out of all of the people I’ve met and our aunt but… It wasn’t the same. I wanted him to want us. I wanted him to accept us… But he doesn’t even know we exist. To suddenly show up on his doorstep and tell him that as well as having all of these expectations are just… It’s not fair to him. Biological son or otherwise.

To top it off, Roxas and I had issues. We weren’t exactly “normal”. Roxas took meds, he was currently a mess with his memories, I was also a mess, I ran away from my problems a lot instead of dealing with them, I was a coward… There was so much wrong with us. How could I expect someone to want that as well as love us? To love Roxas and all of his trauma? To love _me_ and all of my cowardice?

“Sora? Talk to me.” Riku coaxed from the other line. “…I’m scared…” I choked between sobs. “I’m scared he’s not going to live up to the picture I managed to get into my head… and I’m… I’m scared that he won’t ever love us beca… because we’re messed up.” It was quiet for a moment. “Sora-” I heard Kairi in the background saying “Gimmie that.”

“Hello?” She said, her tone sounding annoyed. “Y-Yeah…?” There was a huge sigh from the other line. “Sora, if I knew exactly where you were right now, I’d punch the shit out of you.” She hissed into the phone. “How _dare you_! How _dare you_ think someone as kind and wonderful and sweet and considerate and selfless as you doesn’t deserved to be loved! How dare you let your mother affect you so much that it makes you think about yourself that way! _How. Dare you!_ ” Kairi hissed into the phone.

“How dare you think that! So do you think Riku or I don’t love you? Regardless of us growing up with you, there are people who haven’t who love you to pieces as well, Sora! There are people who would go murder for you! Your brother too! This isn’t some kind of fairy tale where everything may work out exactly how you’d expect it to, but I’ll be _damned_ if you think you don’t at least deserve that ending, Sora!”

I listened to Kairi yell at me. Kairi never yelled at me. It was usually Riku, but he was at a loss for words when I told him that… But Kairi… Kairi was so angry with me right now… No… Not angry. She was passionate about her love for me and wanting me to feel the same way about myself that she did. She was angry that I was able to hide my hatred for myself so well for so long… “Now I want you to stop crying so you can drive your butt over here so I can punch you as hard as I can and then smoother you in affection, stupid! I love you and so does Riku. If your dad is a stupid dickhead who doesn’t end up loving you like we do, he doesn’t _deserve_ you _OR_ Roxas and you shouldn’t even _want_ him! You don’t deserve any more people who treat you like garbage or like you’re defective, Sora! You’re not! You’re our treasure and we love you, so please… Love yourself too?”

I couldn’t help the whimper that left me… And I started wailing like a little kid for their mom. I was hysterical. Kairi’s words hurt… They really hurt me. They hurt me because Kairi was always so honest with me. She didn’t pull punches like Riku could and sometimes did. She used words that I used when joking about myself like “garbage” and “defective”… She noticed. And she hated when I did that- absolutely _hated_ it. She would always smack me, no matter how many times I just told her it was a joke and laughed it off. She hated when I talked about myself like that… If that was how I dealt with how I felt about it, she wasn’t going to tolerate it.

Kairi loved me too much to let me hate myself. Riku loved me so much that he made it hard to hate myself. Roxas loved me so much he made me forget I hated myself. They loved me… And Kairi was right. I finished sobbing, tired and dehydrated, then drove home. She stayed on the phone with me the entire ride home, but didn’t say much. She just made sure I was driving home. When I got there, Kairi punched me so hard the second I opened the door I feel flat on my butt on the cement. She then quickly dropped down and pulled me into a hug. “…I love you. Please don’t do that to yourself. The only person who’s allowed to beat you up is me for reasons like this- no one else.” She joked. She pulled away and kissed my forehead.

“There’s water on the counter, a warm bath in the bathroom, your favorite pajamas on your bed, and a huge blanket fort and Disney movies in the living room while Riku works on finishing dinner.” She helped me up and inside. I hadn’t said anything since she took the phone from Riku. I chugged the glass of water, Riku kissed my head when I was done without saying anything, I took my bath and came downstairs in my pajamas. I settled between them in their makeshift blanket fort, ate my portion of dinner and promptly feel asleep.

I love them… So much. They mean everything to me and I don’t know how I would survive without them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Roxas played el paradiso from the Alice Mare soundtrack today.


	42. Him

Chapter XL: Him

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

There was a knock on the front door as well as the ringing of the doorbell. It wasn’t that odd. Occasionally Kairi’s family would come over, check up on us, make sure we had food, the house wasn’t trashed, and so on. Occasionally Riku’s family would call to check in, so a visitor was commonly assumed to be Kairi’s family. This time, it was mine.

Roxas stood there, just kind of staring at me. “…Heeeeyy...?” I greeted awkwardly. He hadn’t been over once since I’ve been here, so this was oddly unexpected. He held his journal out to me. It was a newer one based on the fact that every other color for him was either black or white. He liked them being like that ever since I got him the first two. “…Um-“ He looked away from me, pressing the journal into my hands again.

“…Did something happen?” I asked him, instantly worried something went down with Axel again. He didn’t answer me. He just kept avoiding looking at me. I guess all that was left to do was read his journal then…

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

Sunday, 10/15/xx

You upset Aerith.

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

Friday, 10/20/xx

…I met him. Cloud. You didn’t. You’re a jackass. He wanted to meet us together. Talk to Aerith.

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

…That was it. Two pages, a few bits of sentences that seemed as cold and detached as some of his first journal entries… But they were addressed to me and impacted me so much despite their detachment. He intended to show me this from the start. He turned around and headed back to the car where our aunt was waiting. He got in the car without a word, leaving me with his journal and my charm.

…Roxas met Cloud. Miss Aerith _did_ want to talk to us about him. He… He wanted to… To see us…? To meet us, speak with us…? Or had she wanted to ask if we wanted to? Did he tell her what I said before I left? I… I… What was I… I was at a complete loss about what to do. Roxas… Met Cloud. He didn’t mention anything about him. He didn’t tell me anything- if he spoke to him, how he spoke to him, what they spoke about, if they just sat there awkwardly… Nothing. I guess… He was angry with me for upsetting Miss Aerith. He adored her, so it made sense for him to be angry with me… I hurt someone he loved.

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

Sunday, I went over for dinner. I didn’t go early like I did for Roxas’ piano lessons.  “Well look who decided to show up.” My aunt said, giving me a wide grin. “How’ve ya been, kiddo?” She asked casually. I rubbed the back of my neck and avoided looking at Miss Aerith or Roxas… “…Okay…”

“…How’s Kairi?” Roxas asked, his tone flat. “Ah- um… She… She’s okay…” I grumbled, remembering what I had said to escape last time I was here. He knew I lied… That much was obvious. “Are you going to join us for dinner?” Miss Aerith asked, looking at me with bright, kind eyes. Roxas had said I upset her, yet she was smiling at me… Being kind to me… I opened my mouth to apologize, feeling terrible for running from her as well as lying, but before I could say anything, there was the thump of boots from the direction of the bathroom.

I stopped, my eyes growing wide and I stood there like a deer in headlights. “Sorry about that. She’s got it all sorted out now.” The man said, putting his phone away and sitting himself at the empty seat I had managed to overlook at the table between Miss Aerith and Roxas. He cast a glance over at me and just stared for a while. “…You going to sit down, or what?” He asked with a raised eyebrow.

Roxas couldn’t help but snicker a little. I felt like an intruder. I felt like the room was shrinking. I felt like I was going to die. This person… Was he…? He spoke so casually to me… Did they tell him about me- no, I looked a lot like Roxas, so… “…Kiddo.” He called to me simply, raising an eyebrow.

“I…” My voice barely registered any noise. “Sora, this is Cloud.” Miss Aerith said simply, holding her hand out in his direction. “He knows.” Roxas said, snorting and leaning back in his chair, casting glares at me. “He does?” Miss Aerith asked, looking a little shocked. Roxas didn’t reply and just kept looking at me with a blank expression. I couldn’t move. I think I was shaking. I was so scared… He…

“You’re not gonna want us…!” I blurted out, my eyes welling up. I know what Kairi told me. I know. I know that… But still, I… I couldn’t help but feel that way. He quickly narrowed his eyes at me in confusion. “…Want you?” I was most definitely shaking now. How could I say something like that? Of course he’d expect me to explain… Of course he would. How am I supposed to tell him all of the things I couldn’t even tell Kairi or Riku…?

He stood up and walked into the living room. I glanced over at my aunt, Miss Aerith, and Roxas. “Go.” Miss Aerith whispered while my aunt waved me off into the other room. I couldn’t move… I was too scared… Roxas sighed and got up, dragging me into the other room where Cloud was. He sat me on the couch and went to leave, but Cloud called out to him. “…Roxas.” His tone was firm, but he didn’t raise his voice at all.

Roxas stopped and looked over his shoulder at him. Cloud nodded to the couch where he had sat me. Roxas sat next to me while Cloud stood there for a moment. Eventually, he crouched down in front of me. “…You two are really similar looking, you know.” He finally said. “It’s interesting to have you two sit next to one another.” …There was so much I wanted to say to him… So much I’m sure he wanted to say… But he was only commenting on how we looked as twins.

…I don’t understand.

“So… I already know this is Roxas. Why don’t you introduce yourself to me?” He offered, starting with something simple. “…I… I’m Sora…” I grumbled. He nodded. “I’m Cloud.” I already knew that. He knew I knew that. Even if I didn’t, Miss Aerith introduced him to us. “…Do you know who I am to you aside from my name?” I nodded. “…You’re… You’re our…” I took in a deep shaky breath. He was here. Right in front of me. I could reach out and touch him right now I could just- “…You’re our dad.” He nodded, keeping direct eye contact with me. If I looked away and looked back, he would always catch eyes with me. He never looked away, even if I did.

He had blue eyes like Roxas and I did… Our mother’s eyes were brown. Roxas also had his blonde hair while I had our mother’s brown hair. He looked like us… Or rather we looked like him. I caught myself staring and quickly looking away. He was fit, and it showed even in his simple t-shirt and jeans. He was also taller than us by a few inches…

“…Do you want to talk?” He asked me. I glanced over at Roxas and he quickly looked away. “…I… I don’t know…” I spoke with a broken voice. I wasn’t expecting this to happen right now- I’m not ready…! I…! I wanna go home, I…! I was only coming to apologize to Miss Aerith I wasn’t expecting him to be here, I…! I…!

…I started crying. Cloud didn’t touch me. Not once. Neither did Roxas. They just let me cry for a bit. “…Cloud is going to start coming to dinner with Aerith.” Roxas informed me once I had calmed down a bit. “…You should come over on Sundays again.” He offered. I don’t know what I wanted to do… There was so much I wanted to say, yet I didn’t want to say any of it…! I wanted to find him, yet now that I knew about him I wanted to avoid him…! I…!

Cloud sighed slightly, I almost didn’t hear it or could have easily mistaken it for my own breathing, before he sat next to me. There was distance. He made sure not to touch me. “…You don’t have to if you don’t want to. Roxas did want me to come over when Aerith did, though. I understand if you don’t want to because you’re angry or even don’t know how you’re feeling yet. …I’m kind of in the same boat.” He said, shocking me a little bit. …He probably was… Wasn’t he? Mom never told him about us… So we’re legal adults now and he never even knew about us. He missed everything…

Everything. He missed us walking and talking and Roxas playing his first piano song and me in my first soccer game and kissing us good night and telling us bedtime stories and our first day of school and the first time we caught colds and even something as simple as watching movies with us on the couch… He missed everything. I just looked at him for a moment, studying him. “…Can I touch you?” I finally asked. It was so surreal… And he hadn’t even brushed up against me, even by accident. Not once. It was almost as if he was doing it on purpose…

So I was a bit scared to ask him. He just looked at me for a moment before nodding. I reached out my hand, fingers making contact with his arm for just the briefest of seconds before pulling away. He just watched me, not saying anything. I did it again, this time without pulling away and pressing my palm to his arm. He was real. He was right here and he was real… He… I looked at him for a moment, not knowing what else to do.

“…Did Miss Aerith and Tifa tell you about us?” I finally decided to ask. He nodded. “…Did you know who I was when you delivered the package to my house?” He shook his head. “I had an idea based on how they were acting and how much you looked like your mother and how old you were, but I didn’t want to assume something like that without proof.” I was quiet for a moment, looking down at my lap. “…Have you talked to our mom about us at all yet?”

“…No. I plan to.” Another question came to mind and I couldn’t push it away… I just couldn’t. And it hurt. “…Do you know how messed up we are?” I asked, my voice cracking. I felt him reach over, pulling Roxas and I into a hug. This was him actually touching me instead of avoiding doing it. He was real. He was right here, talking to me, and was real… He was warm and broad and real…“…You two really are twins, aren’t you?” He asked. What did he mean by that…? I looked over my shoulder the best I could at Roxas and he was avoiding looking at either of us, biting his bottom lip. Had he…? Had he asked him something similar…?

He let us go, fixing my hair before doing the same thing to Roxas. “I talked to Roxas a bit about it, but I got specifics from your aunt and Aerith. The social anxiety is probably from me since that can be genetic… Anything else is from your mother. So unless you meant something else…” Wait, so he…? Mom was OCD about stuff and that stressed her out and made her abusive based on her mood due to being bipolar… Roxas could be bipolar because that was genetic too, but the anxiety… Was from him?

The feeling we both got of wanting to puke while talking to other people or being honest about ourselves… Was from him? “I told Roxas this so I may as well tell you too. I know neither of you know me that well, but if you want we can fix that a little bit at a time. I also know what it’s like to be stuck with that feelings like that, so if you want I don’t mind being your soundboard if you ever want to talk.” I quickly nodded. “…I want that.” My voice shook. He nodded, just looking us over.

I didn’t know what else to say… And neither did he and Roxas had been quiet the entire time… So eventually he asked if we wanted to go eat or if I had anything else I wanted to talk about. I shook my head, so we went to go eat. The table was already rearranged, Roxas’ seat next to Miss Aerith, Cloud in the middle and a new seat for me next to Cloud and my aunt, who was next to Miss Aerith in turn.

I sat down, feeling anxious Roxas wasn’t next to me… But he was probably comfortable there. That’s where he was sitting before… Next to Miss Aerith and him. I felt my aunt squeeze my hand for a moment without skipping a beat in her conversation with Miss Aerith. I was quiet all throughout dinner, Roxas was as well but less so. He made the occasional comment or laughed when it was appropriate. Cloud was pretty quiet too, but Miss Aerith and our aunt engaged him a lot.

I wonder if he’s normally like that or if it’s because we were here… Then again, on the recording he was the same way… Our aunt made an offhand comment that Roxas must have got his quiet demeanor from Cloud since the two of them were so quiet all of the time. It got Miss Aerith to laugh. “Yes, I’d believe that. They’re both good boys, though.” She said, smiling at Cloud. I noticed he looked away from her when she addressed him. It wasn’t abrupt or rude, he just casually looked away as it suited him.

It then dawned on me I hadn’t apologized to Miss Aerith yet. “U-Um… Miss Aerith?” She looked at me, addressing me fully as she always did. “Yes?” I opened my mouth to speak, but… I couldn’t do it with everyone in the room… I was too embarrassed… Too scared… Too much of a coward to do so. “…Can I talk to you after dinner?” I asked meekly. She nodded. “Of course.” For the rest of dinner, the majority of the conversation was mostly made between my aunt and Miss Aerith, Roxas and Cloud occasionally replying or commenting. When it was done, Aerith helped clean up as she always did, Roxas and Cloud sitting at the table and talking quietly. I waited nervously for her to finish. When she did, she simply made a head nod for me to follow her into the living room.

She sat down on the couch and patted the seat beside her. “…Yes?” I drew a shaky breath. “…I’m so sorry… I’ve been rude to you and Roxas says I upset you… I’m so sorry for avoiding you and being angry with you when none of this was your fault and for running away the other day… I’m so sorry…” She gently put a hand on my shoulder, another under my chin as she made me look up at her. “I forgive you.” She said simply while looking me directly in the eyes as she spoke. “I’m not angry.” She also added.

“Are you feeling okay about all of this…? I wanted to speak with you about meeting him, not have it be this awkward and sudden thing for you. I’m sorry it happened this way.” I shook my head, pulling away from her just a little bit. “N-No, that’s my fault… I stopped coming over and then suddenly did again. It was only natural you’d assume I wouldn’t come over today after not doing so for a long while… And even if you hadn’t, Roxas was the one who wanted him to start coming over too…” She gently went about fixing my hair while I spoke.

“…So do you want to talk about how you’re feeling about things?” I shook my head. “…No. _I_ don’t even know how I’m feeling.” I admitted, making her laugh. “That’s alright. If Cloud gives you any problems, feel free to tell me. I’ll beat him up.” She said jokingly while holding onto what was practically no muscle at all on the arm that she was holding up to show me. It made me laugh, in turn making her smile brightly at me. “There’s that smile I’ve grown to love.” She said, her own smile not fading. I couldn’t help but get a bit embarrassed. She noticed I’ve been upset… I worried her… Didn’t I?

This is why I always tried to smile, no matter the situation. It made it easier on the people with you. They wouldn’t worry, feel guilty, or obligated to make you feel better. I felt guilty, so very guilty for making someone who’s been nothing but kind to us worry about me as well as upsetting her…

I heard the piano playing from the other room. That was Roxas, wasn’t it? Aerith smiled at me and got up and headed into the other room. I followed her, noticing Roxas, my aunt, and Cloud weren’t in the kitchen anymore. Roxas was playing a song on the piano, Cloud sitting on the edge of the piano bench and watching him. Our aunt stood in the doorway, Aerith seating herself on the loveseat in the room. I lingered with my aunt while Roxas played a more complicated piece Aerith had been teaching him.

When he was done, Aerith and our aunt clapped. Cloud didn’t say anything, and all Roxas seemed to want was his approval on the piece. “…You messed up right here and here.” Cloud said, pointing to pieces of the sheet music. “Why don’t you try it again?” He offered. His comment didn’t make Roxas angry- or even ashamed for messing up. The way he spoke was more or less a mute kind of encouragement. He wanted to hear Roxas play it again as well as improve. He didn’t say that directly, but that’s what I got from what he said as well as how he spoke.

…I think… I think I could like him.

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

True to his word, Cloud came over every Sunday and sat with us in our aunt’s, small, cramped little kitchen for dinner. He was usually very quiet, but it wasn’t out of being awkward or not knowing how to contribute to the conversation. That’s just how he was. Roxas did that a lot before he lost his memory, so that’s how I knew. He just enjoyed listening to everyone speak to one another. He was kind of stoic actually… I wondered if Roxas would end up like him when he was older.

After dinner, Roxas would usually (and eagerly) play him something on the piano. Cloud would give his input of if he felt like he needed to fix something or if he enjoyed it in general. Roxas always seemed pleased with his reply, no matter what it was.

There was one Sunday where I had been over all day since I had it off, Axel had been there as well. We kind of just sat on the couch watching movies while the pair of them held hands. I took that as a sign they were dating again or at least attempting something. Aerith came over, Axel sat through his piano lesson, and Roxas asked if Axel was going to stay for dinner. “You know, your aunt is going to need a bigger kitchen if any more people stay for dinner.” He said with a chuckle.

“Well… There has been _one_ more…” Roxas admitted. “Tifa is coming over too!” My aunt called into the piano room. Oh. Cool, I liked Tifa. “Apparently two more.” Roxas said with a nod. Axel scoffed with a wide smile. “So who’s the other one?” He asked curiously. “Surprise.” Roxas said, slinking out of the piano room before Axel could stop him.

Cloud and Tifa came over at the same time, Tifa lecturing him for something. “Hi, Sora!” She greeted me mid-lecture and then resumed, making me laugh. “I told you, that wasn’t my fault. I’ll buy a new one today.” Cloud replied. That was probably the first time I heard him even sound remotely annoyed. “You better- we could have avoided the whole mess if your charger wasn’t broken!” Tifa said while throwing her hands up in the air and sounding exasperated.

They wandered into the kitchen, Tifa greeting everyone. Cloud mused Roxas’ hair without a word and gave me a nod from across the room. I gave him a kind of awkward smile. He turned back to Tifa still lecturing him and being sassy. Roxas kind of hovered nearby, Aerith doing so but from more of a distance. Axel eventually wandered in from the computer room, Roxas slinking away from Cloud and Tifa to go be by him instead.

The kitchen was so lively… It was nice- comforting. “You know you all should really find a bigger place to eat if this is going to be a usual thing.” Axel commented. “…The kitchen at my place is pretty big.” I mumbled. I’d still have to ask Riku and Kairi about it, but I’m sure they’d be fine… We’d probably just have to cook though. Oh boy…

“But it’s a bit out of the way…” Roxas added. True… Without realizing what I’d done by contributing, we ended up discussing where we could all eat since our dinner party was getting bigger every few months or so. “I don’t see why we can’t just do it down in the bar.” Cloud commented. “We could.” Tifa mused, tipping her head back and forth as if the idea would click in place somewhere in her head.

“I think that’s a lovely idea. I can pick everyone up from here before Roxas’ piano lesson. We can just have them at our place on Sundays instead and just have dinner there.” She offered. “I’ll still cook if you want me to.” My aunt offered. “Our kitchen is all yours!” Tifa added with a wide grin. “If you need me to prep or buy anything before hand, so long as I’m not working, feel free to let me know.” Axel offered.

And so it was decided dinners would be done at Cloud, Tifa, and Aerith’s place from then on. Somehow my aunt convinced me to bring Riku and Kairi along each Sunday as well. Before I knew it, each Sunday we all took over the entire downstairs of the Strife household’s bar. Naminé had even come on a few occasions via invitation of Roxas as well as Vanille or Rikku. Hayner, Pence, and Olette had all come at once on a few occasions, too.

One Sunday, Riku had work later than usual, so he couldn’t make it. “…So where’s your boyfriend?” Cloud asked as casual as can be. “Wha-?” I sputtered for words, my face turning bright red. “…He is, isn’t he?” He asked, an eyebrow raised. “I… Um… Yes?” I squeaked out, it sounding more like a question than a confirmation. He nodded. “So where is he?” He asked again. “Ah, umm… Work.” I grumbled. He nodded. “I hate when that happens.”

Tifa elbowed him in the ribs as she walked by. “Hates it so much that he makes sure we’re closed on Sunday’s now.” She teased. Cloud avoided her gaze while she snickered. “Sora, wanna help me with these?” She asked, holding up a few long necked bottles. “Ah- sure!” I quickly removed myself from Cloud’s presence, using the scapegoat Tifa had offered me.

“…He notices those things, you know.” She whispered quietly to me while I helped her put things away behind the bar. “Huh?” Tifa glanced over at me before giving her attention back to the glasses and bottles. “That Riku was your boyfriend.” She clarified, letting me know she had heard the conversation. “He also notices how Roxas and Axel act when they’re together- I didn’t even notice until he casually said something once. He doesn’t comment on it unless it’s necessary. He can seem a bit distant and cold, but just wait till holidays or when you get to tease him or something- he usually can surprise you with how sweet he can be.” She said with a smirk.

She stood up and nodded at our handiwork. “There. All good!” She left me to my own devices while she wandered upstairs. I had only been upstairs a handful of times to do things like help bring food downstairs or run to the bathroom or something. It was like a small apartment complex, only more open.

There were several empty rooms, so those doors were usually shut and locked. The rest were usually open. There was a large common room that seemed like a mix of a living room and a game room to me, Tifa’s bedroom, Aerith’s bedroom, Cloud’s bedroom, three bathrooms, a large kitchen with an old fashion bread oven, and a cozy dining room. The bar had much more space, so we usually just put some tables together and all ate downstairs.

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

I didn’t mean to, but one time I ended up eavesdropping on a conversation between Cloud and Roxas. “…scared to tell him… I don’t want him to worry about me… I mean knowing kind of makes my anxiety act up because I’ll remember certain things that happened with the most common objects and I just… I freak out a little… Like that one day when Tifa was just sweeping the bar? I remembered that my mom hit me with a broom once… It just comes back in bits and pieces and makes my head really hurt and it scares me really bad to know that I let her do things like that, but I don’t want to worry anyone… I know Sora thinks it’s better if I don’t remember and I can see why…” It was quiet for a moment. “…You don’t have to put up with all of that by yourself you know.” I heard Cloud reply.

“Trust me- I know how hard it is to tell people you care about things like that… But it makes it easier on them as well as you. It took me a long time before I learned that and I wish I had sooner. Those two girls staying here? They mean the world to me and I don’t know what I’d do without them. They’re more than just my best friends, they’re like family to me. I know you have people like that too, so don’t be afraid to talk to them. Even if it’s only a little bit at a time, it’s better than nothing.” I don’t think I’ve ever heard Cloud talk so much at once.

“But… I mean won’t they be upset?” Roxas asked. I knew, even without being able to see him, he was either clinging to something or biting his lips again. “Of course they are- because they care about you. I can’t tell you how many times Tifa’s gotten angry at me over things like that. Medicine can only suppress those feelings, but it’s not going to make them go away. You still need to talk about them. You’ve dealt with that kind of thing for so long without talking to anyone… You need to talk to someone, Roxas.”

There was a very long pause. “…Can I talk to you?” I heard his voice break, and that was when I decided to go back downstairs. I’m glad they were both getting along. I still felt a bit awkward around Cloud, but that was only on a few occasions. He just kind of reminded me of a younger Roxas, only he wasn’t really. I’m glad Roxas felt close enough and comfortable enough with Cloud to talk to him about things like that. If anything, I was a little jealous almost…

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

I think the first time we heard him laugh was on our birthdays. We honestly thought he didn’t know or our aunt hadn’t told him, but sometime in the night, she woke us up and dragged us into the car. She had told me that she had been so busy with work on my birthday and then asked if it would be okay to celebrate it tomorrow on Roxas’ birthday since it was Sunday anyways where everyone was usually free. I agreed since I had work the same as her.

We were both confusion and tired, both falling back asleep in the car without meaning to. We were brought to the bar where Tifa and Aerith greeted us and showered us in affection and presents. They gave us so many sweet things I thought I was going to die. Around midnight, Cloud finally came from downstairs, telling us he needed help with something in the garage. “Seriously, Cloud? You couldn’t have picked a worse time…” She grumbled, but let us go with him, following behind.

“I mean you couldn’t have asked me to do it- you’ve never asked them to help before and now you suddenly want their help? I mean you’re taking forever in here when you’re the one who wanted to do this for them right no-“ She was stopped midsentence and just stared while we stared right along with her. He had a dirt bike in my favorite color and a small bookshelf in Roxas’ that was _covered_ in familiar titles to him with one empty shelf that was probably for his journals or other books he wanted. He patted both of our heads as he walked by, Roxas and I gaping at the gifts. Apparently Tifa hadn’t known either since she was shocked as well. “…I’m gonna kill him.” She finally managed.

 She turned around to him while Roxas and I inspecting the presents accordingly. “Oh man this is so cool!” I practically wailed while Roxas was deathly silent while his fingers ran across each of the books. His eyes were wide and he looked like he was going to either cry or start indulging his reading habit. He was awe struck and so was I. “Cloud I’m not even going to ask you how much this cost right now because they are too darn cute and happy but I will ream you out later.” She said, punching him in the arm. I heard him grunt as she slugged him, but that was it. Roxas and I both looked at one another, mirrored expressions of shock and awe. We both turned to Cloud at the exact same time, running up to him and stopping just short.

“Thanks, dad!”  
“Thank you, dad!”

We both, stopped, looked at one another, then looked mortified as we realized what had just slipped from our mouths. He just laughed at us. It was this choked laughter that he had tried to hold back but failed, but a laugh none the less. Even Tifa couldn’t help but laugh at us. “You two are just so cute!” She cooed but did so in a way that reminded me of how people talk to dogs, snatching us both up in headlocks and kissing our hair.

“Cloud I want to keep them!” Tifa decided, showering both of us in kisses. “Seconded.” Came the light voice from the doorway. Aerith approached us, stealing Roxas away from Tifa. Cloud rolled his eyes. “They’re moving their own things.” He said before exiting the garage. Roxas and I looked at each other while being held by Tifa and Aerith respectively. I couldn’t tell if he was joking or not and apparently neither could he.

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

I felt like I had a really cool mom- or another aunt. I don’t know. Either way, I really liked Tifa. She was fun to be around, but also really stern. When I was free, she’d give me basic- and free- defense lessons. She had me thrown over her shoulder, tossed on the ground, wrists twisted backwards, painfully held against walls,… She messed me up. But she told me I was a good student. Roxas was Aerith’s in her piano lessons, and I was Tifa’s in self-defense.

Tifa was actually pretty fit as well. You couldn’t tell just from looking at her, but one kick to your gut could mean sudden death for a man, even of Cloud’s stature. She was sassy and smart mouthed and I loved every bit of time I spent with her. Honestly…? Everything was as perfect as it could get for us right now. We had a crazy little family made up of all these different people that we all loved, Roxas was slowly but surely getting his memories back (even if he didn’t tell me about all of it), my relationship with Riku and Kairi were both currently good without any problems, I was doing great at my job… It was really good and I refused to let anything ruin this.

Never again.

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

“…I’m so upset there’s snow out there right now- I want to ride my bike.” I grumbled. “…Call me a bike if you want but I don’t see what snow has to do with it.” Riku said while not glancing up from his homework. I flushed furiously and smacked him. “Ow- Jeezus being around Tifa has made you more violent than Roxas.” He grumbled rubbing his arm. He took his reading glasses off and set them on the table. “…Seriously though, you’ve been a lot happier lately. I’m glad.” He leaned over and kissed me. It was only supposed to be quick, but I snatched him up and kept him there.

I held my hands on either side of his face, not letting him pull away- not that he put up that much resistance either, though. I licked at his lips, his teeth, the inside of his mouth, his tongue… He pulled me over onto his lap while I practically tried to take his tonsils out of his mouth with my tongue. He pulled away and kissed my jaw. “If we have sex right now are you going to be pissed if you sit weird at dinner tomorrow or if I bring my homework?”

I hummed and put my hands back on either side of his face. “Do I seem like I’d be mad to you?” I asked, stealing several kisses in succession from him. He picked me up by my butt while I wrapped my legs around him for support. “Not right now, but I know how you get. You’re going to complain later, even if you don’t know.” Even as he said that, he still carried me to our room, dropping me on the bed so hard I bounced and ended up laughing. He smirked and shut the door and locked it before coming back over and hovering over me. “…Hi you smiley little bit of sunshine, you.” He said, rubbing his nose to mine.

“…Hi.” I wrapped my arms around his neck and kissed him again. He lowered his hips onto mine, pressing at me a bit. I groaned and licked at him. Before Riku could really do anything, there was a knock on our door. “Hey, flaming rainbow boys! Before you get hot and heavy in there, we need to talk! Hate to be a mood kill but if I don’t do it now, I won’t get you both until next Saturday and we need to discuss it together.” I sighed heavily and tipped my head back, Riku laughing a little and burying his face into my shoulder.

“…Shit I hate her.” He grumbled with a laugh, getting off. “No you don’t. You love Kairi, don’t you lie to me.” He kissed me, humming. “I can lie all I want about my feelings towards other people.” I rolled my eyes. “Whatever. You totally love her, mood kill or not.” He snorted again and got off, leaving and letting me follow behind him.

Kairi was in the kitchen, sitting at the table. We sat down, Riku back in front of his homework and me between them. “So what’s up?” I asked. She looked down at her lap before looking back up at us. “…So um… My parents have decided to sell the beach house. They said it won’t be for another two months or so, but… Basically we’re being booted out. They said since they don’t use it as much as they thought they would, it’s putting money where they don’t need it to be. They offered for Sora to stay with me, though! I mean they know he can’t stay with his mom, but it’s okay if she knows where he is now, right? I mean since she won’t do anything…?”

So basically… I won’t get to live with Riku and Kairi together anymore- or at least not for a while… “…That is bullshit.” Riku grumbled sourly. He sounded more like a little kid pouting if anything though. I put my head down on the table. “But I don’t _wanna_ move out of here…!” I wined, sounding as pathetic as Riku. “…Well, I know this seems kind of crappy, but… Even though they offered for you to stay with us, I kind of thought well… Maybe… You’d… Maybe you’d want to stay with Cloud- or at least ask him.” Kairi offered. I lifted my head up off of the table and studied her face.

…She was serious. “…I think you should talk to him about it.” She offered, placing her hand over mine. “If he says yes, I think it would be good. I mean you already have a good relationship with Tifa, and Aerith is always nice to you… I think you should try to see if he’ll let you.” I looked over at Riku, wanting his opinion. “…I think you should to.” He said with a nod. “I know Roxas talks to him a lot, but you still seem kind of… I don’t know, distant I guess is the word I want to use? You still seem to be a bit awkward around him. I think spending more time with him would help if he’s up for it. But then again, the end decision is totally up to you, Sora.” Riku added, reminded me I had control over the situation and didn’t have to listen to them whatsoever.

“…I guess… I’ll think about it… I mean you said we still have two months, right?” I asked Kairi, who nodded. “Yup. Even then, maybe a little longer. That’s just when they’re putting it on the market, but the sooner we get out of here the better really- at least for my parents.” She said while offering me a smirk. I nodded. “Okay.” Kairi nodded back and stood up, patting my hand. “Alright you two freaks, go back to gettin’ it.” She said simply while wandering into the living room.

Riku and I silently looked at one another, both wanting to reply to her but neither actually saying anything. He sighed and resumed his homework and I sighed and went back to messing with my handheld. Yup. Kairi’s a mood kill alright… I leaned over and pecked his cheek, him returning the gesture.

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

Dinner was going as it usually was, but I had this feeling or rocks in the pit of my stomach. What if he said no? What if the idea upset him? What if… What if, what if, what if…? I was quiet all throughout dinner. Roxas had his usual trio over along with Axel. Olette had brought over something she had made herself so she wouldn’t feel like a freeloader, and surprisingly Hayner and Pence were both quick to offer helping hands. Axel had helped with the cooking as well. It made me realize that he was good at making friends with kind people.

I felt myself being put in the usual headlock. “What’s up with you, kiddo? Staring off into space like that?” Tifa asked, letting me go and putting her chin on my shoulder. “…I’m just thinking.” I admitted without telling her much. “…Yeah? You got time to think with all of this food and all of these people here? You’re usual not this quiet- what’s up?” She asked, sliding into the chair next to me. Kairi had gotten up earlier to go help Aerith.

“…A lot of stuff I guess. I think I’m still kind of taking it all in… I mean just a few months ago we were still living with my mom and…” I swallowed hard, not wanting to remember any of that. “…And now I’m right here. With all of these people who are laughing and nothing short of kind and make my brother feel loved and safe.”

“…Well what about you?” Tifa asked, tipping her head. “Do you feel loved and safe?” I thought about her question for a moment. “…I feel… Unsteady- unstable. I feel like this is all just going to be temporary… And I don’t want to think about that, so I find myself putting distance between myself and moments like this.” Tifa nodded, listening to me talk. I realized now was a good a time as any to present Kairi’s idea to Tifa- she knew Cloud pretty well, so it made sense to ask her before asking him.

“…I mean, my living situation right now is going to change again. Kairi’s parents are selling their beach house, so all of us need to move out of there. They offered for me to stay with them again and I know if I asked Riku would let me stay with him but… Again that kind of just feels kind of temporary to me. I mean eventually I’m going to have to move out of their houses again…”

Tifa remained quiet while I rambled to her, resting her cheek on the back of her hand. “And it kind of bothers me because even though we’re not with my mom anymore… At least with her, everything felt stable. I feel like things could all constantly tip over and hit the floor at any moment and I can’t stand it. Yeah she may have been nuts, but there was routine and stability there and I… I kind of feel lost without it.” I realized, my eyes going a little wide.

“…I don’t feel stable so I don’t feel safe.” I reiterated to more or less myself. “…So because of that, I’m kind of not letting myself feel safe or loved. Roxas feels stable, so he can concentrate on those feelings.” Tifa removed her hand from her check. “…So have you decided what you want to do yet?” She held her hands together and leaned forward towards me. “…Kairi… Kairi suggested that I ask if I can stay here.” I mumbled. “And would you want to do that?” I sighed and put my chin on the table.

“…I don’t know… I’m so terrified that Cloud won’t want me here that I’m scared to even ask…” Tifa shook her head and waved a finger at me. “Uh-uh. That’s not what I asked you. I asked you do you want to stay here, yes or no?” She said, her finger still pointed at me. I looked at her finger for a moment before looking up at her. Her face was stern, her eyebrows raised in question to me. “…Yes.” I whispered, my voice shaking. She lowered her finger and nodded. “Okay then.” She got up, patting my head, and then suddenly stopped. She leaned down and kissed my head before leaving me alone for a bit.

Tifa may have been a bit rough around the edges, but she could be just as kind as Aerith… I really liked her. I can understand why Roxas liked Aerith; because she was kind and gentle and considerate and gave you her full attention… But I liked Tifa. She didn’t bullshit you or tolerate you doing it to her, she was quick to get straight to the point, she was very open about how she felt about things, and she was just as kind. Roxas needed someone to be kind to him and love him gently. I needed someone who could see past my lies about feeling okay and ask me what was wrong.

They were perfect for us in terms of mother figures. We needed them. I needed Tifa. She quickly became very important to me and I really wanted it to stay that way… Even Cloud. He was quiet, but observant and accepting of us. He was quick to let us know we may not have been “normal” but he understood what that felt like and would be here for us if we wanted him. Cloud was like a pillar of strength I didn’t realize we were missing. I’m grateful to have him as well…

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

I blinked, turning my head as if that would let me see the phone. “…What?” I asked, making sure I heard her correctly. “Oh, come on! You heard me!” Tifa teased from the other line. “So whenever you feel like moving all your stuff over here, let me know and I’ll help you drag it all over here! Do you have a bed?” She quickly asked. “I mean if we need to go shopping for things, let me know!” She added. Wait what hold on… This was… This was moving way to fast- “Is he really okay with that?” I blurted out.

“Who, Cloud? Yeah, he’s fine! He offered to help bring your stuff over here too. Also you totally have pick of any of the spare rooms. Decorate it how you want so long as you don’t do something like spray paint the walls!” Tifa said with a laugh. “I mean even then, we can always just go over it with paint.” She offered.

…Tifa had asked Cloud and Aerith if it was alright if I stayed with them. Apparently, they basically didn’t even think “no” was an option. Cloud apparently had said something like “Why was he scared to ask me? He’s free to stay in whatever room he wants.” While Aerith simply seconded the motion. “He’s a good kid, so I know there won’t be any problems from him so I don’t see why not.” And that was that, Tifa calling to tell me.

She had asked for me because I told her I was scared to… I felt my chest swell. “So feel free to tell me when it’s all packed up and when you want us over there to help you move it- I mean if you want to stay here and all.” Tifa added casually. “I mean your friends also made the same offer, right?” She added. “Uh- y-yeah…!” But that wasn’t even an option now… I wanted to stay with Cloud, Aerith, and Tifa. I wanted to be with them.

I loved Riku and Kairi- I did… But this felt more stable to me. This felt like it wouldn’t change so soon. I know I still had a little less than two months or so… But I wanted to stay with Riku and Kairi until that time was up and then move in with them. “Um, I’ve got a bit less than two months, but… I’ll call you or tell you during dinner sometime when I’m ready to move it all.” This felt so surreal… And I realized something.

While trying to find my dad, Roxas and I both found people we wanted in the role of “mother” as well. He also had accepted us without much of a fight. He… He was different than what I was expecting, but he lived up to basic expectations- he loved us. Tifa loved us. Aerith loved us. We were loved. That was all I wanted… So after I hung up the phone with Tifa, I hunted down Riku who was in the living room and put my head on his lap and just started crying a bit. Kairi had been in the room as well. She dropped down off of the couch and rubbed my back.

I shook my head, pulling her into a hug. “I’m okay… I’m okay.” Riku ran his fingers through my hair while Kairi rubbed my back, both of them letting me cry all over them. When I was done, I told them that Tifa had called. “…She said I could stay with them if I wanted to. …I think… I think I want to.” Riku nodded, still running his hands through my hair. “Okay.” Kairi nodded as well, showering me in affection.

“We’re going to bother you ever chance we get, don’t think you’re getting away from us!” She reminded while bopping my nose with her finger. “Basically.” Riku said with a snort. “And don’t think just because you’re going to be living over there doesn’t mean you won’t get kidnapped by us.” Kairi nodded furiously agreement. I smiled and nodded. “I wouldn’t have it any other way!” I loved them both to pieces… I’m so glad that they do all that they do for me.


	43. Unconventional Loneliness

Chapter XLI: Unconventional Loneliness

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

Dinner was going as it usually did… But something was off with Roxas. He had been like that since the moment he walked through the door. He was quiet- withdrawn, glaring at things and avoiding eye contact… Something wasn’t right. I didn’t get a chance to quietly pull him aside to see if he was okay… So dinner went on as usual without anyone else seeming to notice his behavior.

He poked at his food, not actually eating. Axel chuckled at something Tifa said, then glanced over at Roxas. “…Hey, you gonna eat? Not feeling well?” He asked. “I’m **peachy**.” Roxas snapped back, making me furrow my brows in worry. “…Roxas-“  
“What?!” He snapped, glaring at me, his eyes practically a thin shield for the fire behind them. I actually felt myself flinch. “Ah- er… N-Nothing…” I grumbled, looking away. Everyone else at the table had grown quiet to watch the exchange. “…What?!” Roxas snapped, noticing everyone staring. No one said anything.

He growled and stood up forcefully, tossing his silverware onto the plate. He quickly turned around and stormed out of the room. What… Was wrong…? Everyone awkwardly resumed eating, Tifa trying to pick up the conversation from earlier. I was still worried though… I mean he did that sometimes, but… He hasn’t done that since-  
I heard something in the other room hit, and Miss Aerith was out of her chair faster than any of us. Cloud hesitated, in the middle of getting out of his chair and still being in it while I only had time to tense and turn my head towards the direction of the noise.

It was quiet for a minute, the air stiff and a thought occurred to me. …They’ve never seen Roxas freak out. They had only seen the good little forgetful Roxas who was quiet and bashful and unprotected. They had never seen the angry, raging, and defensive Roxas… Cloud eventually sat back down, but everyone was quiet… Hoping to hear something from Roxas or Miss Aerith.

…I really wished that no one got what they wanted in that silence. I heard Roxas started screaming and growling in an all too familiar manner and knew he was flipping out again. Axel and I got up quicker than Cloud because we knew what was going on, but he still followed after us. Roxas was screaming and trying to pull away from Miss Aerith who was sitting on the floor with him. She had her legs wrapped around him in a way that was similar to how little kids sat on the floor, her arms over his while she held his wrists. There were several packages from cabinets strewn about on the floor from earlier.

“Shhh, Roxas, it’s oka-“ Roxas screamed so loud I was sure it would make his throat raw. I looked up at Axel with wide, horrified eyes. “A-Axel do you have any of his-“ He quickly shook his head, already know what I was asking for. “…He didn’t take them today, did he? Probably felt like he’d been fine lately and didn’t understand why he should have to… Idiot.” Axel grumbled, watching him.

Cloud took a step forwards and Miss Aerith held out a hand to him. “Don’t- It’s okay, I’ve got hi-“ Roxas elbowed Miss Aerith in the nose while trying to get away from her. Her voice choked up midsentence, her shoulder’s tensing. Cloud clearly wasn’t having any of that. He roughly yanked Roxas away from Miss Aerith while she held her nose that started to bleed. “ _Calm down_.” He hissed. I’ve never heard him get angry, but this was as probably as close as it would get- and it was scary. It was like the calm before a hurricane… The quiet so terrible it was almost like you could hear the oncoming destruction of everything you loved.

He roughly turned him around to face Miss Aerith. Roxas kept struggling and screaming, Cloud roughly grabbing his chin and directing him towards Miss Aerith, who was still nursing her nose. “Look. That’s your fault because you won’t calm down. You _hurt_ Aerith.” Cloud told him while Axel quickly and quietly left the room. Roxas stopped fussing, some sense washing over him at the realization that he hurt someone dear to him. Cloud loosened his grip on him when he stopped trying to pull away. “…Aerith?” Roxas called, his voice barely above a whisper but still shaking.

“I’m alright.” She said, giving him a smile- compared to her usual ones, it seemed a bit forced… Just a bit… But to someone like Roxas, who was with her all of the time and saw them more often than I did, he must have seen the small change in details much more than I did. His eyes welled up and Miss Aerith quickly forgot about her nose and scooted over to comfort him. “Shh, Roxas, don’t cry…” Axel came into the room with an entire roll of tissue. Cloud took it from him and unrolled some for Miss Aerith, giving it to her. “Don’t tip your head back-“

“I know, you worry-wart…” She lectured with a small smile. “I’m okay, it’s just a little blood.” Miss Aerith said, pressing the tissue to her nose. “Don’t cry, it’s okay.” She rubbed her hand into another wad of tissue Cloud gave her, tossing it to the side so she could stroke Roxas’ hair. That broke the dam, turning him into a sobbing mess. Axel put a hand on my shoulder and nodding to the door. I looked back over at him…

And felt kind of envious. Miss Aerith, the perfect mother figure, and Cloud, our stoic father, were both comforting the baby brother of mine that had fallen apart… And I couldn’t do anything for him. Even though I had resolved to… The first time he had a freak out again, I couldn’t do anything for him. …And a part of me was jealous of the scene before me as well… I was jealous how well he seemed to fit into the small little family scene, dysfunctional as he was… It almost made me not want to move in with them… Because it would only highlight how out of place I’ve been feeling even more…

I followed Axel out into the bar again, Tifa and my aunt. shooting me a worried look. Clearly, she hadn’t touched her food since everyone left. “Is he okay?” My aunt asked, her eyes worried. Axel sighed heavily and heaved himself back into his chair. “…More or less…” She sighed, her shoulder’s slumping while I sat myself quietly back into my chair. Even Tifa seemed to relax more at the news. “…And what about you?” She asked, surprising me.

“H-Huh?” Me? Roxas was the one who freaked out, so why…? “Well I mean, twins have that whole, “if he’s upset I’m upset” thing going on, right? So are you okay?” She asked me again, eyes searching for an answer I didn’t know if I should give her or not. “…I…” …I hesitated. Within a split second, I went from wanting to desperately tell her how out of place I felt, then remembering Axel and my aunt were in the room and only wanting to tell Tifa, wanting Axel to not hear since he might tell Roxas and I didn’t want him to feel worse than he already was, to not wanting to tell her at all…

“…I’m fine.” I lied, turning back to my plate and poking at my dinner. I felt sick… But I ate all of my food so they wouldn’t worry. Roxas eventually was carried upstairs by Cloud, seeing as he passed out. Miss Aerith even followed and they stayed upstairs for a long while before coming down. By that time, Axel and my aunt had decided to clean up.

“…So.” Tifa said casually. “…Then there were two.” I nodded quietly. She looked over at me for a moment before getting up and smacking my chest with the back of her hand. “Come get a beer with me.” She said while heading behind the bar. “H-Huh? I can’t drink…!” I quickly reminded her. “What are you gonna do- call the cops on me?” She said with a snicker. She pulled out two cans and made a head nod towards the back door.

I quickly followed her out, feeling a bit flustered. She sat down on the steps of the porch, opening one of the cans and offering it to me. She then opened hers and quietly sat there. “…You know, I really like a beer after a long bath or something like that. …It’s a nice warm feeling, inside and out.” She said with a nod before sipping her drink. I eyed mine, still hesitating before sipping it.

…It was bitter. I just sat on the porch with Tifa in the quiet dark, drinking beer. It was getting late and the crickets and other less predominantly heard insects started making noise, calling out to each other. The fireflies started flickering like tiny little candles right before they were blown out off in the distance. The taste of the beer didn’t change, even when it was gone. But that didn’t mean I was out of beer. Tifa grabbed us both another one and we just sat on the porch.

“Sora, sweetheart, I’m going now. Your brother is staying upstairs but Axel is going home. Let me know when you get home so I know you made it safe?” My aunt asked me. I nodded giving her a numb thumbs up. She walked over, her shoes clicking on the deck of the porch. She leaned down and kissed my head before leaving. After she was gone, as well as half of my second beer, I found myself wanting to talk to Tifa.

“…So I love how you don’t ask me if I want to talk, you just offer me beer.” I said, making her laugh. “Nice, isn’t it?” She said, leaning over and nudging me with her arm. “…Yeah.” I said quietly down into my beer can. “…Sometimes you just don’t want to talk about it. Sometimes you kind of just want everyone to shut up for a bit… So it’s nice to come out here in the quiet and drink for a little bit.” She offered while the crickets offered their background music for us.

…She was right. I always felt kind of obligated to tell people what was wrong, even if I didn’t want to worry them. Maybe it was the “good child” syndrome. I know Roxas didn’t talk and he was the “bad child”, so I did the opposite, even without realizing it. Yeah I kind of felt like crap a lot of the times, but it made it even worse when I felt the need to reassure everyone- myself included- that I was okay. To address the situation and lie…

So it was nice to not have to. “…Tifa you should adopt me.” I grumbled. She chuckled at me, putting me into a headlock again. “No way! You don’t want me as a mom- I’d make a terrible mom. Me offering you beer while you’re still underage is a prime example.” She said, her choke hold loosening to her arm being simply slung over my shoulders.

“…I don’t think so.” I mumbled. “…I think you’d make a great mom.” She looked down at me with her head tipped, gauging me. “…Yeah?” I nodded, sitting up a bit straighter. “Yeah. You’d be like one of those mom’s where I’d get to brag that you let me drink beer and everyone would be jealous, but then you’d beat me up if I did something wrong.” Her brows narrowed, and I realized the connection she made that I hadn’t. “I-I didn’t really mean… I meant…” I pulled away from her and she put me back into a choke hold.

“Uh-uh. Right here.” I didn’t pull away that time. “…You do get a bit rough, but you also taught me how to get out of choke holds and how to protect myself. You don’t pull any punches and you’re honest with me. Sometimes I get kind of jealous of Roxas’ relationship with Miss Aerith and Cloud but… I wouldn’t want Miss Aerith as my mom. I like her and all but…”

“Buuuut~?” Tifa asked, rubbing her knuckles into my cheek bone. “But I like you better.” I admitted while trying to pull away. She smiled widely, but it wasn’t as cheeky as I was expecting. It was warm, but still bright in a way that made you want to smile right along with her. She stopped giving noogies to my face, patting my head with the hand she had slung around my shoulders, taking a large gulp of her beer.

“…I like you too, brat. Not as much as I like this beer, but close enough.” She said with a smirk. “…Yeah, well I still like Roxas more than you.” I said through narrow eyes while sipping my beer. “…Cloud is still above you.” She added, her beer can close to her mouth. “Riku’s still above you- and Kairi.” I added before she got to it before me. “Well Aerith is totally still above you! And I have this other friend you haven’t meet named Barret- whom you should totally meet by the way. He’s got this prosthetic arm- and oh my god, one time, he beat this guy up with it on the bus and it was really funny!” She said, chuckling to herself at the memory.

“…But yeah!” She added childishly. “There’s him, and Cid, Vincent, and other friends of mine you’ve never met!” I snorted. “Oh yeah? I bet I have more friends than you!” I countered just as childishly. “Lies!” She hissed, tossing her hand up in the air, the other not joining in favor of holding her beer. “Just because you’re older doesn’t mean you have more friends.”  
“You calling me old, brat?! You know what, I bet you are! Want me to be your mom and all! You think I’m _that_ old?! Gross!” She reeled, making an overly disgusted face that made me burst out laughing. “Yup! You’re totally old enough to be my mom! You wouldn’t even be a cool mom, you’d just make everyone think you were but you’d be totally lame!”

She punched me playfully in the arm and I punched her back, resulting in some light sparing on the porch. It stopped when her beer got knocked down the steps. “Aw- awwwww! Damn it!” She wined, just watching it fall. “…How much you got left in your can?” She asked me, looking over at me. “…Less than half.” She snatched it up, jeering, “Mine now!” Before chugging it. “Wha- hey!” She quickly ran out into the yard and I chased after her. She turned around and tossed the beer can at me, which I deflected with my hands. “Lame wanna be mom!” I yelled after her.

“Spoiled overly-social brat!” She retorted lamely. Tifa really was the best… I wouldn’t pass up moments like this with her for the world. Eventually we decided that we had enough running around and decided to go in. “…You know part of me wanted to dump the rest of your beer on you, but that would just be rude- to the beer.” She added, shutting the door behind us. “Jee, thanks.” She snickered and pulled me into a chokehold again. “Welcome, hedgehog.” She said, tugging her arm a bit tighter around my neck before letting me go. I rolled my eyes and followed after her.

“…You know you may as well stay here.”  She offered as we drew closer to the stairs. “…I mean, it’s kinda late already and I’m not going to let you drive with a beer and a half in you. Plus it would be mean to make someone come get you, so…” She rubbed at the back of her neck and looked over at a wall. “…So you could use one of the spare rooms if you want.” She offered. “…Are you… Getting embarrassed?” I asked, looking taken aback. “…Who _are you_?” I whispered deeply, but loud enough for her to hear.

“Shut up!” She grumbled, punching my arm again. “Fine, go get in a car wreck, see if I care! I won’t cry at your funeral and blame myself! Not one bit!” She said, turning around on her heel and storming up the stairs. I snorted and followed after her. Once we reached the top, I realized… I had the overwhelming desire to hug her. She was so kind to me…

So I did. She seemed a little shocked when I suddenly hugged her, tensing up as if I was almost going to start sparing with her again. Once she realized I wasn’t, she relaxed. “…Don’t go getting too mushy on me, alright?” She said quietly, patting my head. “…I’m not promising anything…” I mumbled. Tifa loved me. She could hide it all she wanted, but she did. She worried about me, took notice of me, offered me solace, taught me how to physically fight for myself… She did.

If she really were a mom, Tifa _would_ honestly be a cool mom. She made it easy to talk to her, but if you didn’t want to, she also understood that and would just sit with you if that’s what you wanted. She could be childish, but also quickly become serious if the situation called for it. She was also honest- sometimes even brutally so. If Tifa were someone’s mom… She would be one of the best. I just know it.

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

Miss Aerith was going through our aunts medicine cabinet like a mad women. “Who even prescribed him these?!” She asked, her voice shrill as she read the labels to the medication that Roxas took every day. “…Our mom.” I added quietly from the doorway. She turned around, looking at me as if that was the most unbelievable thing she had ever heard. She had a bruise on her nose from the incident with Roxas yesterday as well. “…He shouldn’t even need to be on half of this!” She hissed, taking more bottles out and reading them.

“Lithium Orotate?! Are you kidding me?! You can kill someone with this!” I have never seen Miss Aerith so frantic as I had right then. She had requested that in case Roxas had another incident happen that she take a few spare pills over to their house. Our aunt had let her, and, well… Here we were. Miss Aerith, in her furry, going through all of his medication. I didn’t even know he was on so many things…

Anti-depressants, bi-polar medication, anxiety medication, emergency anxiety medication, orexigenics, medication for high blood pressure,… Seriously, how did she get away with giving him all of this stuff? Seriously the side effects have got to be ridiculous! I mean no wonder he doesn’t want to take it! He’s probably going crazy either way! Miss Aerith picked up another bottle and chuckled it across the room. “…This is not okay!”

She stormed out of the room and into the kitchen where our aunt was. …I’ve never seen her mad before, much less violent. …Wow. I followed after her, more or less to keep watching her really. It was shocking to see her like this. “Excuse me!” She said, hunting down my aunt. “I know this is not my place to ask, but do you think it’s possible to get Roxas a new doctor aside from his mother as well as try to take him off of half of the medication she has him on?” She asked, her words seeming to string together into one larger one.

It took my aunt a moment to dissect them and translate what she said into a regular sentence. “…What…? Oh! Well… Now that you mention it… It does seem a bit excessive, doesn’t it?” She said, furrowing her brows. “…I think we should do that. Talk with him about it and try to lessen the amount of things he has to take.” Miss Aerith seemed to relax at that. “Okay.” She nodded, satisfied. “If you’d like, I can help you look for doctors. Maybe even counselors if he wants?” She offered.

The mood settled into something I felt like I was intruding upon as my aunt and Miss Aerith started discussion what to do for Roxas. I wiggled out of the room and up to his in order to tell him. I knocked on his open door, making him look up from a book he was reading. “Hey.” I said, inviting myself in and sitting on his bed.

“Hi.” He said, resuming his spot in the book. I lounged back on his bed, watching him for a minute before breaking the news. “…So Miss Aerith and our aunt want to try to get you off of some of your meds.” I said casually. He finished his spot in the book and closed it, putting it on the night stand. “…Is that okay? I mean I’m on them for a reason, right…?” Roxas asked after a moment of thinking, looking over at me.

“…Well I know mom put you on a lot of them herself, so I’m not sure… I guess Miss Aerith was just worried you were on extra things you didn’t need to be. You know I’m kind of surprised that you weren’t high all of the time from being on as much stuff as you were.” I said with dry laughter. He apparently didn’t find it funny.

“…You know I can’t even tell you when it got to be that many? I mean even with my fuzzy memory, I don’t know… Some days she would just have extra pills with my regular ones for me and I would just take them. I stopped counting. I just took them or other days I flushed them down the toilet while others I bit down on them and made myself sick from the taste and puked them out. She never even asked me how I felt while taking them… If they made it better or not. She just kept giving me more of them and I just took them because it was normal for me.”

…I never even knew that. I knew he took meds, but I guess it never really occurred to me when it started. He just freaked out and mom would ask him if he took them and… I guess that was the normal response in our house. If you were freaking out, you took meds. If you had a headache, upset stomach, fever, you took meds. It’s just how it was and it was normal to us. For Roxas, it had to be even more so…

“…You never told me that.” I said, sitting up and feeling a rush of guilt flood my entire being. “…I know. I didn’t tell you a lot of things…” He admitted without looking at me. …Thinking about it, we never talked about what was wrong- we didn’t need to. We both already knew what was wrong, so we were just there for each other when we could be. We never… We never actually verbalized how anything made us feel.

It was probably why I was so comfortable with Tifa and her letting me get away with not talking about what was wrong. It was my guilt-free way of letting her know I trusted her but still avoided talking to her. “…Aerith also mentioned counseling.” I added. He was quiet for a moment. “…I think I wanna do that.” He decided. “…I love you and Aerith and Cloud and Axel and all but…” …But he didn’t want to make us worry. I know… I know. Plus some things come back to bite you in the butt if you’re not careful… I get it. We sat there in silence for a bit, neither one of us talking…

And that was our comfort. It wasn’t healthy. In spite of both of us being there and understanding each other without words, we still needed to get it out… I slid off of his bed quietly and went downstairs. Miss Aerith and my aunt were in the middle of talking still, paper work spread between them now. “U-Um…!” Both of them stopped and looked at me. “Yes, Sora?” My aunt asked, patting the spot next to her.

“…Um… Miss Aerith you… You mentioned um… Talking to someone earlier… For Roxas?” I asked, avoiding looking at her. My pulse was rushing blood through my body so quickly I could feel the throbs of my heart in every solitary cell inside of me. It made me feel nauseated… “…Yes.” She said quietly, watching me- giving me her full attention. “…Can I um… I mean do you think I could… Could I do that too?” I asked, finding my breath not wanting to enter my lungs normally. It was like there was something caught in my throat and stopping it from flowing properly.

“Sora…” My aunt looked at me with wide eyes, Aerith doing the same. I hated this… I hated having people feel sorry for me, pity me… Roxas had it worse than I did. They should be worried about him, not about me… I wasn’t worth worry about. I wasn’t hurt like he was. I… I wasn’t hurt… I was okay… He’s not… They should be worried about him, not me- I shouldn’t even be asking them this right now, I’m _fine_.

I’m not on any medication, much less as much as mom gave him, I was rarely hit compared to him, she almost _never_ yelled at me, she practically spoiled me compared to Roxas! I was fine! What the hell is the matter with you- asking for something like that?! You’re disgusting! What you feeling sorry for yourself because you’re suddenly being ignored?! Because mom isn’t there to spoil you and they’re _finally_ doing it for Roxas now you piece of trash?!

God, you are so **_selfish_**!!! That’s why they’re looking at you like that! Because there’s nothing wrong with you! You just want there to be so you can try to understand Roxas better- so you can relate to him and not make him feel bad. You’re pathetic! Ridiculous! You know what, you’re probably using your brother as an excuse! You’re probably just feeling neglected, you pile of dirt! How dare you use your precious brother like that! As an excuse for something you don’t even need! You’re the worst! You’re the worst and they know it because you had to open your stupid mouth and say something!

“N-Never mind, I…!” I quickly got up out of my chair and made a getaway for the exit. “Sora-!” My aunt called after me. I wanted to leave the house- but that would only draw attention to myself- what more than the attention you already did? Come on, stupid- use your head, you already left the room like a big baby instead of just brushing it off like a stupid question you should have. What is the matter with you- oh wait. That’s right. Nothing is the matter with you. You just want there to be so people pay attention to you.

You’re pathetic. Oh what you going to hyperventilate now? You need attention _that much_? To the point where your body is even reaction to your stupid lies? How far in are you? That you can lie to yourself so fluently? God you are so _STUPID_!!! You going to run away?! Go on, do it! You big _coward_! Go cry to your boyfriend, I bet he’s not tired of hearing it yet! It’s _amazing_ he hasn’t dumped you yet with all of the whining that you do! You’ve done it since you were kids- how does he even put up with you?

Attention whore.

“Sora- Sora, look at me. Hey, it’s okay…” Aerith placed her hands on my arms, but I couldn’t focus. Everything was spinning and _YOU ARE SO DENSE_ and I was shaking and couldn’t breathe and _NOTHING IS WRONG WITH YOU_ and I wanted to cry _BECAUSE YOU’RE PATHETIC_ and I… I…!

…I passed out.

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

“…I think… I think I hate myself.” I caught myself admitting. The counselor raised an eyebrow. “Why do you think that?” He asked. “…I don’t think it. …I know it. And as much as I hate to admit it, yes I do think some of that comes from me hating parts of Roxas.” He quietly wrote something down with a nod. “What made you realize that you hate yourself as well as parts of your brother?”

“…I’m mean to myself. I-I know that’s not some _big deal_ or anything and I’m sure people do it all the time but…!” The therapist held up a hand. “That isn’t what I asked you. You don’t need to try to convince yourself. Just tell me what you mean by that.” I took in a deep breath and let it out slowly.

…This was so odd. This was my third time going and it was still really odd… “…I’m mean to myself. But... I don’t think mean is the right word. When I asked Miss Aerith if I could talk to someone too, they both kind of looked at me like you would when you pity a kid and… And I kind of starting getting so angry with myself that I didn’t even talk in the first person in my head. I kept calling myself “you” and saying all of these terrible things to myself… And I felt like I deserved them. I still don’t feel like I deserve to be here since I feel like there’s nothing wrong with me compared to my brother.”

He nodded and wrote something else down. “You mentioned him earlier, correct? You said you hated parts of him? What parts in particular?” I opened my mouth to object, but then paused. “…Well… I guess I’m kind of jealous of him- for a lot of reasons… He’s so very important to me, yet at the same time… At the same time I can’t stand him and I feel disgusting for saying that because he’s had to deal with that so much as it is… And I love him- I do…! So I don’t understand why… Why when I look at him with Miss Aerith and Cloud and them both being so kind to him why I want to yank him away from them and hurt him or yell at them…! I think that’s so stupid and childish of me!” My voice was starting to sound shrill and I couldn’t keep my head from working faster than my mouth.

“You know it dawned on me the other day that even though we’ve spent so much time together, we never even talk about important things? And yet I get so selfish when it comes to him and get angry when he has other people to talk to! _We don’t even talk_!! So what am I jealous of?! God I’m so spoiled…!” I quickly smacked my palms over my mouth.

“…I… I’m sorry I… I was being loud I’m so sorry…” He was in the middle of writing something down, but he stopped and set his pen down. “…Sora, I want you to listen to me. You do not need to apologize for your feelings. This is your hour and so long as you don’t break anything, you’re free to get as loud as you’d like. You are not childish for wanting your brother to speak with you. You answered your own questions in that very sentence, you just couldn’t hear it. You’re jealous of him having someone to talk to. As you’ve said, you have spent so much time with him, yet you two don’t talk. It’s only fair that you’d think you should be talking, yet you aren’t.”

…I guess… That made sense… “Because you have both been in such similar situations, you both understood what was going on, therefore you both probably came to the conclusion that there was nothing to speak of since you both understood it. Now,” He picked up his pen. “What exactly about seeing him with Miss Aerith and Cloud upsets you?” He offered, going back to a previous comment.

“…I… I don’t know… Exactly.” He nodded, writing something else down. “Well, you mentioned earlier that you want to hurt them or your brother. Why?” I flushed furiously and looked down at my lap. …I had just been brutally honest and I hadn’t meant to be… “I… I-It’s not that I want to really hurt them I just… I…” I don’t know! I just got upset! I got jealous! This wasn’t helping, it was just frustrating me more…! I mean, I’m moving in with them and yet _I’m_ jealous of _Roxas_?! Seriously!?

“…Take a moment if you need it.” He reminded me. I stopped trying to think and just tried to breathe. “…I… I think I’m jealous of how well he seems to fit into that kind of picture… That dysfunctional, yet happy family that manages to get through it… And I kind of feel like I’m intruding… I feel like Cloud gets along better with Roxas than he ever would me, Miss Aerith is like the perfect mother he deserves and… And I just…”

I could feel the answer on the tip of my tongue- I could taste it… And then I swallowed it. “…I want to be a part of that. I… I just want a family that’s _normal_ …! I know “normal” isn’t really a thing but… But I don’t want to have to think that it’s normal for a family to just medicate themselves every time something is wrong or not talk about anything or adjust to getting beat up or think that it’s normal or even okay for me to talk to myself like I do or… or…! I want to feel like I matter but by saying that it’s almost like I’m saying my brother doesn’t because I’ve always been treated better than him…! It’s not fair to him…! It’s…!”

“…Sora. I would like to point out we’re talking about how you’re feeling- not your brother. If you don’t want him to, he’s never going to hear a word of this. You don’t need to justify what you’re saying to me, or to even him. You may think you’ve been treated better, but I want you to consider this situation: If your brother wasn’t there and everything was exactly the same- how your mother treats you, your relationships with your friends, the classes you’ve taken, your job- how would you feel? Just you?”

I was quiet for a moment… Thinking. If my brother wasn’t there… She would hurt me- no he said if everything were the same… I imaged him disappearing from all of those lunches we spent together in the hallway. All of the piano notes not lingering in the air. His bed not being across from mine in that house… His tantrums, his smile, his snide remarks, his love for me… If it was all gone I…

I started crying. I felt so lonely. I felt so terribly lonely and scared… My mother hated me. She was nice to me, but that was just to make up for when she was mean to me. I never told him. There were things Roxas never told me and things I never told him… And we’re identical after all, meaning in turn there were things I couldn’t tell myself…

She was mean to me. She rarely hit me, but she said terrible things to me. “ _At least your brother can take a hit- stop being such a little bitch._ ”, “ _You’re nothing short of garbage._ ”, “ _You’re pathetic._ ”, “ _You’re being ridiculous, stop crying like a little bitch._ ”,

“…Oh my god… I speak to myself like my mother…” I choked out, both of my palms pressing to my mouth in order to keep the sob down. “How does she speak to you?” He prompted. _You’re disgusting.  
_ “…I’m disgusting.” _You feeling sorry for yourself? That’s so selfish._ “…I feel sorry for myself and that’s selfish.” _Others have it worse than you do._ “Others have it worse than I do...” _You’re using your brother as an excuse to feel upset- you’re fine._ “I use my brother as an excuse to feel upset… I’m fine.” _You’re the worst._ “…I’m the worst…” _You’re only acting out to get attention._ “I only act out to get attention...” _What are you crying now? You even got your body to believe your lies?_ “What am I crying now…? I got even my body to believe my lies…?”

 _I don’t know why you’re acting like that- “_ Nothing… Nothing is wrong with you…” I choked out. …I never even noticed it before… But… I talk to myself the way mom spoke to me. She was less likely to do it if Roxas was there because she paid more attention to him, but… She spoke to me like that. Whenever he’d leave she’d speak to me like that…

“…I don’t want Roxas to leave me… Because whenever he’d leave me alone she’d talk to me like that… And I don’t want to be alone…” I choked out. “…I need him and I hate him for leaving me…! He went and forgot all about me and left me by myself…!” I could barely force the words through the small hole my throat was allowing them through. “He left me by myself and I’m scared to be alone…! I know I’m not in that house anymore but I’m still scared to be alone…!”

I have so many friends and yet I feel this lonely? Why is that? What the hell, that’s not fair! I have so many people that care about me and yet I… I have the **_audacity_** to feel **_lonely_**?! What the hell is wrong with me?! “Which is stupid because I’m always with someone! I’m always with Riku or Kairi or Tifa or Roxas or-“ My voice cracked and I couldn’t stop the sob that tore through my words like rice paper. The therapist didn’t say anything. He just let me cry and pushed the tissues towards me.

When I was done, he closed his notebook and put it away in his drawer. “Your hour is up. Do you feel like you made any progress in terms of anything at all?” He asked me. I sniffed and nodded. “…Yes.” He smiled warmly at me. “I’m glad. Do you have someone coming to get you or are you driving?” He asked me, standing up as I mirrored him. “Driving.” I replied curtly. He nodded. “Drive safe. I’ll see you next week?” I nodded quickly. Most definitely.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: For those of you unaware or don’t want to use google, orexigenics are meant to help with appetite. Also I don’t think I’ve EVER mentioned this, but their mom is a nurse practitioner.


	44. Misinterpretation

Chapter XLII: Misinterpretation Side A

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

I looked at my things that were sitting in my room. _My_ room. This was the first time in my entire life that I wasn’t sharing a room with anyone. It felt… Empty. “How’s it goin’, kiddo?” Tifa asked, poking her head in. “Ahhh, niiiice!” She said, entering and examining my handiwork. “Looks good!” She said with another nod of approval. I had ultimately decided to take Tifa up on her offer about staying with them. I had gotten the room closest to her’s- which I was perfectly fine with. I actually preferred that.

If anything were to happen, I could just quietly sneak into her room to talk or something. “…Looks kinda bare. Don’t you have like- I don’t know… Band posters or something?” She asked me, her hands still on her hips. I shook my head. “What?! Oh man, we are _fixing_ this.” She said, tugging me by the arm and into her room.

“B-But you already painted it!” I protested. A week before I moved into one of the guest bedrooms, Tifa had kidnapped me after work and took me paint shopping. I eventually picked a sky blue and Tifa _insisted_ I get glowing stars for my ceiling. …Truthfully though I kind of liked them. “Oh, boo! It’s just paint!” She said, waving me off as she tugged me into her room. “Okay, favorite band or artist or whatever- go!” She said quickly, pointing a finger at me. “Wait- what? U-Um, I don’t know, Coldplay?” I spat out. She snorted and typed in “Coldplay posters” into Amazon’s search bar.

“You pretentious little bastard.” She said, sounding smug. She opened a new tab. “Favorite movie- go!” Crap, I was expecting more music! “Ah, um, er, Scott Pilgrim Versus the World?” I said, sounding more like I was asking her than saying it. She typed it into the search bar, again opening a new tab. “Favorite color!” What the hell!?

“Um, red!” Was she really going to buy me just a piece of paper with red on it? “Favorite hair color on a boy!” …What… had she just asked? “…What?” She rolled her eyes and turned around in the chair to me. “We need hot, half-naked boy posters on your walls- duh! Oh, we can do like Calvin Klein or something if you’re not opposed to it.” She said, typing one of their images into the search bar. “If I gotta I’ll run there and steal some art they got in their of their hot boy models… Yum, they are _such_ eye candy~” She said with a devious tone. …Was she seriously getting me something like that for my walls…? Oh no…

“You like pinup girls? Wait what kind of question is that, _everyone_ likes pinup girls…” She said, rolling her eyes as she hunted for some of those next. “Wha- T-TIFA!” I stuttered, feeling the blood rush to my face at the pictures of the girls that came up. “…Kiddo, you need to go look at life more- They’re just boobs.” She said, ruffling my hair. “And _these_ boobs are gonna be on your wall!” She said, clicking a picture. “Wha- NO WAY!”

“Way.” She said with a nod. “Favorite super hero?” She said, moving on. “Wha- no way! Get rid of the pinup and Calvin Klein stuff!” I hissed. “Oh, are we buying Sora posters?” Aerith asked, coming in and looking over Tifa’s shoulder. “Yup! He’s being a little punk about having boobs on his walls.” Tifa said with a light elbowing to my stomach. “Well maybe he just gets easily embarrassed- …or something.”

“MISS AERITH!” I hissed, my face feeling so hot I wasn’t sure if there was any blood left in the rest of my body. Even she was teasing me…? That was just cruel… Tifa eventually bought me fourteen different posters for my wall among two actual paintings. She stretched, her hands over her head and shoulders popping. She got up with a nod and patted my shoulder. “…Just accept it.” She said simply. Aerith giggled and excused herself alongside Tiffa. I could do nothing but pull out my phone and text Kairi and Riku about this… I can’t believe her… Tifa is ridiculous…

…And I loved every minute of her and her crazy.

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

When the posters came in, Tifa let me hang them up where I wanted- so long as I hung them _all_ up. …It was so embarrassing… But I wasn’t going to complain _too_ loudly about the one poster of the guy in nothing but his boxers- sorry Riku. Tifa came in and raised an eyebrow at my work. “…They’re all so… So _straight_.” She said, almost as if in disgust. “…You’re not this straight so why are your posters?” She asked me, looking seriously concerned. “Wha- what does my sexuality have to do with my room posters- I mean aside from the content, and even then that was all you!”

She shook her head. “It gives your room _character_! I mean as a kid mine were all straight, but it was kind of a collage type of thing! Like seriously they’re evenly spaced and everythi- did you _measure_ them?! Oh _man_ , kid…!” She said, smacking her hand to her forehead. “Seriously! You’re going to kill me! Come on, we’re tipping some of these.”

“Wha- wait, Tifa! Tifa- no! I have them now I want the- _TIFA_!”

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

I sighed as I flopped face first into my blue painted room with stars on the ceiling with crooked posters. My sheets hadn’t been washed in two weeks and had clean clothes on my bed that needed to be put away since Thursday. There was a laundry basket in the corner by my closet that I haven’t emptied out in three and I know a pair of boxers have been under my bed for eight. My desk was slowly turning into a mess of papers and I didn’t care.

…I felt in control of everything in this room in spite of the growing mess and it felt nice. I felt ridiculous for being so petty, but I really did like this- being able to make a mess and just leave it. I really did. I felt contented. I forced myself up, taking off my work boots and putting them in their proper place. It was Sunday, meaning dinner with everyone. I was a bit late, but was here none the less .I just needed to quick wash up and change and I could run downstairs before everyone got too into their meals.

When I was in the shower, there was a loud pounding on the door. “Hey! You’ve been in there for two minutes already, let’s go!” Tifa yelled, but I know she was joking. “Fine, I’ll totally come out naked and with soap in my hair!” I called back. “Great, I’m sure your boyfriend’ll be into it!” I couldn’t help but snicker. “…So how was your day?” She asked, her tone not sarcastically loud anymore. “It was okay. We had more welding practice today. I’ve got pipe parts in the trunk of the car that I put together.”

“Really? That’s awesome, I’m gonna go look at what is _sure_ to be some shoddy work!” She said, but sounding really excited just to see some piping I had welding together. I even heard her footsteps quickly disappearing. I couldn’t help but smile to myself while I finished my shower. When I finally managed to go downstairs, Kairi was in the middle of a ridiculous story, my pipe in her hand while she sounded like a pirate. “…YARG, THERE HE BE!” She called to me, pointing an accusatory finger. Riku quickly got up and tackled me- along with Tifa, Roxas, and Cloud- wait Cloud?- Aerith, Axel, Kairi, Naminé, our aunt- okay- woah!

I feel to the ground, Riku kissing my forehead. “I take a shower and you all plot to dogpile me?” I asked, feeling a crushed- loved, but crushed. “Yes. Kairi was telling tales of the lake-“  
“Sea.”  
“Sea monster, Sora. I killed it first, so I get a reward.” He said while everyone set to taking themselves off of me. He helped me up and Kairi snarkily replied with, “Well I got the best booty.” In her best pirate voice and proceeded to grab my butt. “Bullshit, that’s my booty!” Riku said, pulling me close and putting both of his hands over my butt. I couldn’t help but laugh and apparently the same could be said for my aunt.

“…Then I totally have the magic telescope.” Roxas said, holding my piece of pipe. “Wha- aw, no fair!” Naminé protested. He smiled and tossed it at her while she clumsily caught it. “Well that was sweet of you.” Axel said with a cockily raised eyebrow. “…Well, I do have a treasure of my own.” He said, sounding unusually sappy as he looked up at him through his lashes. Everyone proceeded to obnoxiously “aw” aside from Cloud and Naminé. Roxas then proceeded to gesture with both of his hands to Aerith.

It made me bust out into laughter. “My glorious piano teacher, everyone.” He said, Axel’s expression dropping. “You… Snarky… Piece of shit.” He said, sounding honestly hurt but still joking. “She’s wonderful and I couldn’t ask for anyone better.” Roxas said with a nod while Aerith couldn’t help but giggle at the exchange. “…Stealing the other guy’s treasure!” Axel declared, continuing the apparent game of pirate.

He lightly grabbed Aerith’s wrist and ran with her out of the room. “Hey- no!” Cloud called after him, obviously getting a little defensive about someone stealing Aerith away. Tifa noticed it too and smirked widely before punching him in the shoulder. “Go get her then, tiger~” She teased. Kairi wolf whistled while Cloud told everyone to shut up as he trudge off after Axel, grumbling about us “stupid kids”.

“So how was your day?” Riku asked me, pressing his forehead to mine. It was a simple question, but it was enough to pull me away from the commotion of everyone else… “…It was good. How was yours?” I asked him, rubbing our noses together. “It sucked, but now it’s better. I find myself looking forward to these dinners and getting upset when I’m not here.” I smiled and leaned up a bit to kiss him just briefly. “I know what you mean… My entire week is off if I don’t get to see everyone in one place. It’s really nice.”

Riku nodded in agreement. “It’s like one big dysfunctional family.” I couldn’t help but laugh and nod. …but some part of my brain thought of my mother. She was missing out… I felt bad for her… But that didn’t exactly mean I was going to rush over and bring her either. I pitied her, yes. But I wasn’t going to make excuses for her anymore. She was mostly out of my life and I preferred to keep it that way now that it was an option.

Eventually after some more shenanigans, dinner resumed as it usually did. Riku held my free hand while we ate, Tifa kept basically playing footsies with me, Roxas ignored Axel in favor of talking to Naminé but I noticed how close they were sitting, constantly brushing against one another, Kairi told me all about her show rehearsals, and Aerith, my aunt, and Cloud made quiet conversation amongst themselves. …It was really nice and chaotic and yet so orderly and wonderful and I loved every moment of it.

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

“…Cloud… Isn’t coming to dinner?” I asked confused. Tifa nodded, but I noticed she avoided looking at me. “It’s um… This thing he does once a month. He can’t miss it, it’s really important.” Roxas’ shoulder’s slumped as he sunk down into his chair a bit. “…Oh. Well… Where does he go then?” He asked the question both of us wanted to know. I get was already pre-established, but it he couldn’t change it so the date wasn’t during one of our dinners? I mean it was only once a month, sure but… It still kind of hurt a little bit.

“Why don’t you ask him when he comes back?” Aerith offered, gently placing her hand over Roxas’. He didn’t reply, still seeming a bit upset. “…Okay.” And the sad part is, dinner went on as usual. Roxas’ usual trio was over along with Axel while I had Kairi and Riku. Dinner was lively and loud and wonderful… And Cloud wasn’t there. It kind of upset me. He was missing out just like our mom… Sure it was only once and I had instances where I had missed out as well, but…

The feeling nagging at me wouldn’t go away. Was he out with old friends? Having some personal time? A particular monthly delivery at a set time? What could it possibly be…? What was so important that Cloud couldn’t be here- even if it was something he usually did?

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

I had forgotten all about asking Cloud why he had missed dinner until a month later. He was out again, on the 28th, the same as last time, but it wasn’t during dinner. I didn’t mention it, but I was also curious about whatever it was he was doing. It was almost secretive... Or maybe it just came off that way because he never spoke of it. Would I be intruding if I asked about it? But I was curious… And so was Roxas.

When we were alone doing dishes after dinner, he had asked “…Had Cloud gone out again this week?” Meaning he not only remembered, but he remembered the date as well. Then again, he probably had it written down in his journal, so… “…Yeah. I didn’t ask him about it though.” I added before he could even get around to asking. “…Do you think we should?” I shrugged, rinsing a plate off. “…I don’t know. I mean if it was something simple, Tifa or Aerith would have just told us… When it’s this big thing, they kind of…”

“…Avoid the topic entirely?” He finished for me while drying another plate off, to which I nodded. “…They did the same thing when it came to him and us.” He reminded. “…I want to ask him.” I looked over at him with a slightly worried expression, but I wanted to know as well… “…I’m going to go ask him.” He decided, putting the plate and dishrag down and turning on his heel and heading out to where everyone was. “Wha- Roxas…!” I called after him while he walked with a determined gait.

Roxas slipped into a seat next to Cloud while I hovered in the doorway, nervous enough to shake a bit. “…Hey Cloud?” Roxas asked, causing him to look down at my brother. “Yes?” Roxas opened his mouth- and I saw him hesitate. …He wasn’t going to do it. “…Where’s the dish soap? Sora and I ran out…” He mumbled. I knew him too well.

Cloud got up and showed him where it was, letting him take it back into the kitchen. “…I couldn’t do it…” He mumbled, making me smirk a bit. “Yeah, I noticed.” He elbowed me, pouting slightly. “Then _you_ do it.” I snorted. “Yeah, right.” We finished the dishes in silence, but it didn’t take us both being twins to know what the other was thinking then.

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

The next month, on the 28th,he was gone again. It was seriously starting to bug me… But I knew from Tifa and Aerith’s reactions the first time that they wouldn’t tell me. I quietly stewed in my room, pacing before calling Roxas. “Hello?”  
“Where do you think he’s going?” I blurted out. “Do you think it’s something illegal?” I offered. Roxas snorted, trying to suppress laughter. “If it is, I wouldn’t mind getting in on that.” He joked. “Roxas, I’m serious!”

“Seriously stupid.” He retorted. “I mean, think about it. What could Cloud _possibly_ be doing that’s so bad? I don’t even think I’ve seen him scowl, yet alone go steal something or murder someone or whatever else you think he’s doing.” …Murder… “…What if he’s transporting dead bodies for the mafia or something?” I whispered. Roxas burst out into laughter on the other line. No, no wait I take that back- he was in hysterics. “Soh… Ahahahaha! Soraahahaha…!” He couldn’t stop laughing at me. I sat down on my bed, eyes narrow and probably pouting a bit.

“Fine. You think it’s so funny, what do _you_ think he’s doing?” Roxas finally calmed down enough to reply. “…I don’t know. Does it really matter? He’s an adult, he can do what he wants to.” He reminded. “…So you’ve never really thought about it?” I asked, honestly surprised. “…I’m not going to answer that. I’m just going to say it took up an entire page in one of my journals.” He mumbled. It was my turn to laugh. “Oh man… We’re ridiculous, aren’t we? It’s probably him just playing poker with some friends or something. We’re sitting here with these crazy ideas and getting ourselves all worked up over it just to probably have it be something like that.”

“Well, we’re allowed to get creative about it.” He offered. “True… But I really want to know now- it’s bugging me.” Roxas was quiet for a moment. “…Do you want to ask him together next time I come over? It doesn’t have to be during dinner… It would probably be better if we didn’t actually. There’s usually always someone looking for us or something.” He pointed out. “True… So… Do you want to hang out tomorrow?” I offered. “…Ask him then?” I added.

“…Sure.”

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

“…I can’t get over these posters.” Roxas said, looking my walls up and down. “…Tifa picked them out.” I reminded. “Uh-huh.” he said sarcastically, but he was mostly looking at the half naked poster of the male model. “…He’s really hot.” He pointed out. “…How many times you jerk to that?” He asked, pointing to him unabashedly. “Go jump in a lake and drown…” I grumbled. “…If I guess the right number, will you tell me?”

“NO!” He snickered. “So you have.” He teased. “I’m gonna…!” I lightly punched his arm, making him laugh. He still rubbed it though, meaning it had probably hurt a little bit. “…Riku see your room yet?” I snorted. “Yeah. And Kairi took the liberty of printing a picture of Riku’s face and taping it over that guys one night during dinner. …It was really funny.” I admitted, an unhindered smile on my face.

Roxas snorted, looking at the poster again and imaging Riku’s face on it. “…I’m kind of jealous. I’d be _dead_ if I had posters like this in my room.” He admitted. That was probably true… “…Then just move into another one of the guest rooms.” I casually mentioned, putting my hands behind my head. “…You wouldn’t think it would be too crowded?” He asked, honestly not taking what I said as a joke. “Ah… Er… I-I don’t know…” I mumbled, arms lowering.

“…If I could drive, I’d want to help out with deliveries and stuff here…” He mused out loud for me to hear. “…I think it’d be nice. It kinda sucks to know I never could.” He said, giving me a bit of a weak smile. “…You could sort stuff and do paperwork.” I pointed out. “…I guess.” That thought didn’t seem to appeal to him as much as actually making deliveries. “…Have you… Have you thought at all about what you want to do after you catch up with school and stuff?” He shrugged. “…I don’t know. College sounds lame, but I wouldn’t mind giving general studies a shot until I find something I like or decide on what I want to do with myself…”

He sat down on my bed next to me, the conversation of the posters long forgotten now. “…What made you decide you wanted to get into carpentering?” He asked me, giving me his full attention. “…I… I don’t know really. I mean I liked being hands on with stuff, and I knew I was too antsy to go to school anymore, but I also knew mom would kill me if I got some shitty job… So the next option was trade school. I still got what I want while satisfying what she wanted from me. It pays good and is really hands on, so…”

“Yeah but even then, there’s a lot of jobs like that. You could build counter tops, windows, roofing… But you picked carpentering? Why?” I thought about it for a moment. “…Because I get to melt and drill holes into stuff and go in spaces people don’t usually get to see.” I decided with a wide smile. “Tearing off roofing just to put new stuff on it kind of seems lame. Counter top is a lot of lifting that I don’t feel like doing, and I’d probably break more glass than fix it.” I offered quickly with a chuckle.

“…So I guess given the parameters of what she wanted, I looked for something that appealed to me. But… You don’t have to worry about that anymore. You can do whatever you want.” I offered with a wide smile. “…That’s…” Roxas looked uncomfortable as he looked down into his lap, his fingers clenched. “…That’s a lot of options… I… I don’t know what I want to do at all… I can barely manage what I’m doing right now, yet alone…” He swallowed hard. I rubbed his back. “Don’t worry about it so much. I’m sure as long as you help out around the house and appear to do _something_ productive, I’m sure no one will complain. You also have to remember that everyone understands what you’ve went through. We all know you’re still trying to figure out who you are, yet alone worry about what you want to do with yourself. It’s okay to not know or go at the same pace as everyone else.” I reminded, but that didn’t seem to convince him much… He still seemed upset with himself.

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

We eventually got around to hunting Cloud down with a nervous boldness. “Um… So, um… We want to ask you something.” I blurted out. He put down the clipboard that had related to some deliveries he was going to make today. “…Yeah?” …I could totally push Roxas under the bus and make him ask right now. …But that would be being a bad big brother. “Um… So… We were kind of just curious as to um… What you do on the 28th.” I finally managed, the lump in my throat not going away. It also dawned on me that he didn’t have to answer me at all…

“…You want to come?” He asked, raising an eyebrow. Roxas and I blinked at him. “…What?” I asked, confused. “Do you want to come with me the next time I go?” He asked again, rewording it for clarification. “…We’re going to hide dead bodies.” Roxas hissed behind me in a worried tone, recalling an earlier conversation we had. If Cloud hadn’t looked so serious I would have laughed. “…What?” Cloud asked, narrowing his eyes in confusion. I elbowed Roxas in the ribs. “Nothing! But, um… Can we? Is that okay?” Cloud looked over at a wall and shrugged.

“…I don’t see why not.” He then went back to dealing with the clipboard and packages while Roxas and I shot one another glances. …We are _so_ going to hide dead bodies. I don’t care where we’re going, from now on I’m going to call it “hiding dead bodies”. No one needs to know what really goes on. …Besides, if that was really what was happening, no one would believe that, so it was a perfect cover!

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

Roxas and I were both nervous. Cloud told us just to dress as we usually would, but be appropriate about it. He took us on his bike, Roxas in the back and me in the front. He even let me steer for a bit. “…You know I should get around to buying one of those side seats for one of you two.” He mused more or less to himself. I kind of want to see Roxas in that with a silly little helmet.

We drove a bit of a ways out and came to a house. It wasn’t anything spectacular or too particularly noticeable from the outside, but it was decent in size. The poker guess? Cloud parked his bike, and nodded towards the door. “…Well go on. You don’t need to stay up my butt.” He said, gently pushing Roxas forward a bit by his back. Roxas shot me a glance before going over to where I was. We both cautiously approached the door and knocked.

“Coming!” Came the female call from the other side of the door. A woman quickly answered the door, looking down at us in slight confusion. “Oh- hello…” She said, it sounding slightly like a question. Cloud came up behind us and nudged us in the house. “Hey.” He greeted her casually. “Hi, Cloud. Should I go get him?” He nodded. “He didn’t oversleep again, did he?” The woman chuckled. “A little. You know how he is. He gets so excited he stays up all night and can’t stop talking about your visit. I’ll go wake him up.”

She wandered into the back of the house, pretty much leaving us to make ourselves at home. The house was very orderly and neat… It was to the point where it could rival mom’s, only there was more stuff and it felt... “Lived in”. It didn’t feel like a type of hospital… The room we were in had an entertainment center with a large TV and lots of movies behind the glass doors. The wooden table seemed to be the same kind, the couch a dark tan. The floor was hardwood- easy to clean. There was a bookshelf in the corner that seemed to house books ranging from picture books to scholarly articles.

“Um… Cloud?” Roxas asked, looking up at him. Cloud just sat down on the couch and patted the spot next to him. “He’ll be down in a bit.” He replied simply. He? Who? A man wandered into the living room, greeting Cloud with a nod while he held coffee in his hands. “Who are the runts?” He asked, clearly talking about us. “…Roxas and Sora.” Cloud replied, nodding to each of us appropriately. “They’re my sons.” He added. The man’s eyes widened before he chuckled.

“…Well, won’t he be happy.”  He smirked before leaving the room. He? The person that woman was going to wake up? There was a thunderous sound of footsteps from the stairs before a boy- no… He wasn’t a boy. He was older than us, but looked young- ran down the stairs. “Cloud!” He quickly threw his arms around him, pulling away and smiling widely. “Hey, Ventus.”

I felt my eyes widen as I looked over to Roxas at the same time he did. This was… Ventus? Cloud had been going to see Ventus…? He…? The man with the coffee laughed a bit. “Relax, Ven.” He said, musing his hair. “So I brought you these two to meet.” Cloud said, nodding towards Roxas and I. Ventus quickly set his wide eyes on us, inspecting us.

“…They’re your brothers.” Cloud said simply. “…My brothers…?” Ven asked for clarification. Cloud nodded. “This is Sora, the brunette, and this is Roxas the blonde.” He said, putting a hand above our heads when he said our names. “…Your mom kept them secrets from us for a long time.” Ventus’ eyes kept searching, looking, inspecting us for something…

“…They look a lot alike…” He whispered to himself. “…I like them.” He decided simply with a nod. But- he didn’t even know us! And he decided he liked us? …He was weird… I don’t mean that in a mean way! I mean like something legitimately seemed o- …Oh. Oh I forgot… Mom said he was autistic.

The woman from earlier with the blue hair finished coming down the stairs. “Aqua! Aqua these two are mine!” Ventus declared, pointing to us. I noticed Roxas cover his face to hide a smile. “They’re your what, Ven?” The girl said with a laugh. “Mine.” Ventus said simply. She laughed a little bit. “Yes, but your _what_ Ven- come on, use your words.” She reminded. Ventus looked like he was trying to find the right word to describe what we “were”. “…My secrets.” He decided, making Roxas snort.

The man with the coffee chuckled. “Come on, stop playing around and tell Aqua.” He lectured, making Ven give him a bashful looking. “…My brothers.” He finally said, a wide grin on his face. “And I love them.” He added quickly. The woman named Aqua looked over at us with wide eyes. “…So that’s why you looked so similar…” She mumbled. She then quickly replaced her shock with a wide smile as she placed her hands on her hips. “Alrighty, then! Is there anything either of you two want- water, something to snack on?” She offered.

“U-Um, I’m okay…” I mumbled. “Water would be nice.” Roxas decided. She nodded, giving him a smile before heading into the kitchen. “And you just want coffee, Cloud?” She asked, popping her head back into the room. He nodded, and with that she disappeared again. “Terra…! Terra…!” Ventus said, tugging at him. “Hm? What’s up, cutie pie?” He asked him, leaning down a bit. Ventus whispered something to him with a wide smile, making Terra snort. He then mused his hair and sat himself on the loveseat.

“So, who do you wanna sit with, Ven?” He asked, watching our older brother debate if he was going to sit with the person he lived with or us. He quickly opted to sit with us. “Ouch.” Terra said with a chuckle. Ventus just shot him a wide smile. “Jealous?” He teased. “Very.” Ventus chuckled. “It’s okay. I still love you very much, Terra.” He reminded, making me feel like I was intruding. “Good. Now I don’t have to cry.” Terra said, but his expression held not even a remote hint of sorrow.

Ventus snorted. “You don’t cry- at least not around strangers.” Terra seemed to wince, then covered his face with his hand and feigned sobbing noises. Ventus took a pillow and threw it at him. “You look stupid.” Terra couldn’t help but laugh at him. “Jeeze, you’re being overly mean to me, today! Trying to show off?” He asked with a crooked grin. “…No.” Ventus mumbled, but he fussed a bit. Terra chuckled, but let the subject go.

Cloud offhandedly played with Ventus’ hair, his arm slung over the back of the couch. “…So, what do you two think?” He asked, addressing us. “U-Um… I… I don’t…” I felt like it would be wrong to say I wasn’t too sure- at least in front of him… “I think he’s great.” Roxas said simply, making Ventus beam. Ventus threw his arms around Roxas and rubbed their cheeks together. Roxas laughed at him and hugged him back.

“Can I kiss them?” He quickly spat out, looking over at Terra. My face flushed red while Roxas didn’t seem phased much by his question at all. There was a snort from the room where Aqua had disappeared. She came into the room with coffee in one hand and water in the other. “No, Ven. Remember what we talked about?” She reminded, looking at him directly while she spoke. She gave Cloud his coffee and put Roxas’ water on the table. “Thank you.” She nodded to him, smiling a little to herself at the sight of Roxas still in Ventus’ grasp.

“…But I love them.” Ventus said, sounding sorely upset he wasn’t allowed to kiss us. “You already love them that much?” Terra asked with a raised eyebrow while Aqua sat next to him. Ventus nodded furiously. “Yes!” Roxas laughed a little bit. He was so… Honestly simple. We were his brothers and he quickly took a shine to us and let us know. He didn’t try to hide it at all…

Ventus clung happily to Roxas who didn’t even bother trying to remove him- He even drank his water around him. If anything, it was like having a little brother rather than an older one… There was more banter between Terra, Aqua, and Ventus, but it made me wonder what their relationship was. Aqua had brought Ventus something to eat a bit later, to which he replied, “Thank you- I love you, Aqua.” She kissed his forehead and sat next to Terra. “I love you too, Ven.”

So I had heard him say that to each of the people living with him. I didn’t know if it meant much considering he had already told us that, but… It felt different when he said it to them. When he said he loved them, it was full of affection and adoration. When it was said to us, it was said in a newfound happiness.

Cloud even seemed happy to just sit in the same room with Ventus. “So, um… Cloud…?” I whispered while Ventus was talking Roxas’ ear off, Terra and Aqua watching with fondness. He hummed in reply while looking down at me. “…How come you only see him once a month?” I remembered the conversation I wasn’t supposed to hear with him and Tifa…

“Ventus has this kind of schedule… He gets really upset if it gets messed up. So I only see him once a month so it doesn’t make him get upset.” …A schedule that’s that strict…? I looked confused, then something clicked in Cloud’s head. “It’s um… Something relating to his autism. It’s not like that.” I felt the small amount of tension I had amounted leave me. Good…

The rest of the visit I was very quiet, but kept watching Ventus. He seemed really happy… He seemed to never not have a smile on his face… It was nice just to watch him. He was very animated and the way he spoke was unique. Aqua made us sandwiches for lunch- which were simple, but really good! I found by the end of the visit, that I probably liked him… I was kind of upset I didn’t get to grow up with Ventus, but I was glad he got to be happy. He deserved it.

When we had to leave, Ventus started to pout. “Do they have too?” Aqua nodded, gently removing Ventus from Roxas who laughed a little bit. “Yes, Ven. They have to go home, now.” Ventus pouted. “…Can you bring them with you next time, Cloud?” Ventus asked, looking at him with wide, pleading eyes. Cloud nodded. “Sure.” Ventus instantly beamed and threw his arms around Roxas again. Clearly he liked him more- I was okay with that. I liked Roxas too.

“We actually have dinner every Sunday at the bar.” Roxas offered. Both Terra and Aqua’s face dropped and they shot one another glances. “Can we go?!” Ventus asked, letting go of Roxas to grab Aqua’s hands. “…Well… I mean, I don’t know, Ven…” Terra studied him as his face dropped.

“…Promise you won’t have any freak outs?” He asked, making Ventus quickly give him his full attention. “I won’t!” Terra studied him for a moment. “…And if you feel like you’re going to or if it gets too loud, you tell me?” Freak outs…? …Well if he does, at least everyone there will know how to handle them because of Roxas… “I will!” Ventus said with a heavy nod. “…Then maybe we’ll go once and see how it goes- okay?” Ventus beamed. “Okay!”

Ventus saw us to the door, Terra and Aqua lingering behind. Ventus grabbed at my wrist. “Ven-“ I turned around in confusion- to which he quickly kissed my forehead, then did the same to Roxas. “Ventus!” Aqua lectured. “I’m so sorry!” I was taken aback by the suddenness of it. “…But I love them.” Ventus said, narrowing his eyebrows. He honestly didn’t seem to understand why he wasn’t allowed to kiss us. “…I love you too, Ven.” Roxas replied, shocking everyone into silence. Ventus quickly beamed and threw his arms around Roxas again.

Roxas smiled, gently patting his head. “We have to go now, okay?” Ventus let go. “But we’ll see you later, alright?” He nodded. “…Do you want our phone numbers? So you can call us?” He offered. Ventus quickly nodded. “Please?” Roxas smiled and Aqua went to go get her phone. She put our numbers in her phone. “You two also need to send me selfies or something- It helps him find you in the phone easier with a contact picture.”

…I got an idea. “Ventus, let’s take selfies!” I decided, pulling my phone out. I know we were supposed to be leaving, but… “Okay!” Roxas chuckled at us while we made stupid faces into my phone. I let him pick which one he liked best for the contact picture for my number. Roxas seemed a bit more embarrassed to take pictures- but he had always been like that. He let Ventus take a few, then also let him pick which one he wanted for his contact picture.

After that, we actually got to leave. …And it was kind of upsetting. “…Roxas?” Cloud called before either of us got on the bike. “Yeah?” We got on how we did before- me in front, Roxas in the back. “You want to spend the night? I’m sure you and Sora want to talk or something.” He offered. Roxas shot me a brief glace to which I returned. We were that obvious? Or maybe it was just a twin thing… Regardless, Cloud took Roxas and I home.

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

“…So?” He asked, sitting on my bed. “…So… What?” I asked, wanting more clarification. “…So, what did you think of Ventus?” He asked, his hand clasping his other. “…I liked him. I’m sure not as much as you, but I liked him.” I decided out loud. Roxas smiled. “…Same here. He’s fun.” I chuckled and nodded. “Oh most definitely.” Roxas looked down at his hands with a warm expression.

“…I want to write him something- on the piano I mean. But I also want to quickly fill out my journal before I forget things.” Did he have his journal? …Probably. “I think he’d like that.” I said with a nod. “…You think?” He asked, looking up at me. “Of course.” I said more firmly with a nod. Roxas seemed content with that answer and resumed looking at his hands. “…He was so warm…” He mumbled to himself.

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

Chapter XLII: Misinterpretation Side B

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

When people think of an unhealthy house-hold, they think of it being dirty- not true.  
The house I’m currently living in is cluttered with knickknacks and dirty dishes in the sink and stains on the couch… And I’ve never felt more comfortable, loved, and cared for.  
When people think of an abusive parent, they think of the father- not true.  
Our mother… She loved us to the point of paradox. She hurt us with her want for us to never be taken away… But we weren’t taken away- we left. Our father adores us- he’d do anything for us. He would never lay a hand on us, yet alone raise his voice to us. …He loves us.  
There’s this huge misinterpretation as to what _should_ and _shouldn’t_ be- and they’re all lies. If you’re comfortable with where you are and what you’re doing… Why bother trying to fit someone else’s mold?

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

Dinner was loud as it usually was, but quieter than usual. We had three new guests joining us for dinner, so we had to remind ourselves to keep it down a little bit so he wouldn’t freak out. If he did, I wanted to be able to help him. I knew what it was like to be overrun by your feelings- to not feel like you had any control over yourself. So I wanted to help Ventus if he needed it.

He seemed happy to be here, but a little awkward. He fussed in his seat, but kept glancing around at everyone. “Well look what we have here. Jeeze, Roxas- do all of your siblings look like you?” Axel asked with a chuckle. “I’m the youngest, I look like them.” I reminded with a roll of my eyes. “Ventus, this tall jerk is Axel.” I said, smacking his chest, making him wince.

“Hello!” Ventus greeted him, giving him a warm smile. Aqua standing behind him with a hand on her shoulder. Terra was off somewhere with Cloud. “This girl is Naminé- she’s probably my best friend, not counting him.” I said, nodding towards Axel. Ventus stared at her for a moment before giving her a warm smile. “It’s nice to meet you, Ventus.” She said, nodding to him. “She’s very pretty.” Ventus decided, the warm smile on his face not leaving. Yeah, she was… I rubbed the back of my neck and nodded in agreement. I noticed Naminé flush at the dual compliment.

It was Sora’s turn to introduce his friends. “This guy here is Riku, and this wonderful girl right here is Kairi!” He introduced at the same time. “Guys, this is my big brother- Ventus.” He said, a wide smile on his face. …It was nice to see Sora smile like that. I was starting to miss it. But I noticed… They seemed more honest now. He wasn’t trying to cover anything up. If he was upset, you’d know. If he was happy, you’d know. I was proud of him… He wasn’t running away anymore.

Riku nodded and Kairi gave him a wide smile and a wave. “Heya!” Ventus smiled at both of them. “Hello!” He already knew Tifa, Aerith, and our aunt, so he only needed to be introduced to our friends. “Sometimes I have three other friends come over, but when they do I’ll introduce you to them.” Ventus nodded. “Okay!” I helped put things out for dinner while Aqua sat with Ven and talked with him. She kept him in his seat even though he wanted to help.

“I don’t see why he can’t.” Aqua chuckled. “Because he’ll get so excited he won’t actually do much “helping”.” Aqua said with a laugh. “Wha- nuh-huh!” Ven countered, making her laugh. I couldn’t help but smile. “…Okay. Ventus, why don’t you help me get the silverware.” I offered. He shot up out of his chair and wiggled away from Aqua. “Okay!” Aqua chuckled, but looked defeated. She sat quietly in her seat, but never took her eyes off of him.

“…So, um… Ven?” I asked him once I had him far enough away. “Yeah?” He asked, Naminé walking by with several plates in her hands. “…Aqua and Terra- they’re your friends?” I asked. He tipped his head and looked at the ceiling. “…No. They’re my best friends. And Aqua is my girlfriend and Terra is my boyfriend.” That statement took me aback a little bit. “…Huh? U-Um, Ven, don’t you mean either Aqua is your girlfriend or Terra is your boyfriend?” And if anything, Aqua and Terra seemed good together- I noticed the small little touches, how they’d curl up to one another if they were close enough…

Ventus shook his head. “No. Aqua is my girlfriend and Terra is my boyfriend.” I blinked at him, trying to make sure I understood him right. “At… At the same time?” He nodded with a smile. “Yup!” …What… The hell…? Was that even legal…? But… Aqua did hoover a bit and kissed his head a lot… Terra seemed to be willing to let Ventus do what he wanted but offered to be there for him if he needed it… So I could see it. But it was still odd to me…

Ventus helped me grab the silverware and bring it over to the table. “…What about you?” He asked me. “Huh? U-Um… I…” I glanced around, but my eyes landed on Axel who was putting food on the table. “…The tall jerk from earlier…” I grumbled. “…He’s my boyfriend…” Ventus smiled widely at me. “Do you love him very much?” The question was simple, but no one ever really asked me that before- at least if they did, I don’t remember it. …But it put something in perspective.

“…Yes. I do. Because he loves _me_ very much. He also puts up with me and I know I can be a pain sometimes…” Ventus laughed a little bit. “People like that are the best, aren’t they?” He asked, giving me this look… That meant he understood. He knew what it was like to feel like a pain and yet still feel so loved. “…Yeah.” I nodded. “People like that are very special.” Ventus said simply, finishing putting the last fork where it needed to go. …He’s right. They are.

I wiggled away and hunted down Axel in the kitchen. He turned around with a basket of buns in his hand, almost running into me. “Woah- hey you! Warn me, I almost ran you ove-“  
“I love you!” I blurted out. He stopped talking. “…Where’d that come from?” He asked with a chuckle. “Who cares, tell me you love me back…” I grumbled. He snickered, putting the bread down. He leaned down and kissed me- hard. It took my breath away… I forgot how to breathe and felt a tingle in my toes and fingers… And was so grateful to have him. I was so grateful to have him, and Sora, and Ventus, and Naminé, and so many others… They made me feel like it was okay to exist and do it happily…

And I loved them all for it.

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

" _All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy. For what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves. We must die to one life before we can enter another."_  
–Anatole France


	45. Epilogue

Epilogue

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

It was late, but the faces and setting were familiar. I was lucky to be surrounded by such noise. I was lucky to still be in this wonderful group of people. I had been gone for a while, but I was back now. I was amongst friends and good company. I was playing a round of cards with Luxord, Xigbar, and Larxene, Axel peaking over my shoulder and probably helping them cheat whether they wanted it or not. I didn’t mind though- it was just hearts.

“So what do you think?” Demyx asked, leaning over his booth to talk to me. “About?” I asked, placing my card down. “Well I mean tomorrow we get to pick some newbwies for the Organization! This is your first time doing it, aren’t you excited?” He asked me. I shrugged. “I guess. I mean you guys are like family I never asked for or wanted.” I joked. “Some part of me thinks it kind of sucks that Vexen got transferred so far away, but at the same time I’m happy for him.” Vexen had gotten transferred to a college several states away, but he was the head teacher and got to be in charge of a botanical garden as well as some research that would be used for it.

Axel elbowed me while Larxene growled as she took the pile of cards, three of them hearts. “…What, it’s true.” I said, a smirk wiggling its way into my features. Luxord snorted. “Well I certainly didn’t want you either- you know I could take you to Vegas… Considering the places I’m not banned from and the place we _will_ get banned from, it’ll be a fun trip.” Luxord said, shooting me a crooked grin. “Has anyone ever taught you how to count cards?” He asked.

I quickly shook my head. “Uh-uh. No way.” Larxene scoffed. “Baby… Luxord never offers to take anyone else to Vegas…” She grumbled, clearly upset by that. “Aw, you _jealous_?” I teased, leaning forward a bit, but keeping my cards pressed to my chest. She snorted. “Go suck a dick.” I blinked, looked over at Axel and snorted. “Nah. It’s a little inflated from his ego. Maybe later.” Demyx stuck his tongue out in disgust from behind me while I chuckled.

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

It was in Mr. X’s classroom- it was a different room from last year, but with the lights out and how the desks were set, it most definitely felt like his room. It was the usual- you write down what was wrong with you on cards and so on… However, this time I was the one doing the reviewing. There were some “fake” cards as usual, but… One of them stood out to me.

_no.i is no virus. Nor bacteria nor parasite. I exist._

I almost dropped the card. I scanned everyone in the room, my heart racing. “…Roxas? You okay?” Axel asked, lightly putting his hand on my shoulder. “…They’re here.” He looked a bit confused. “Um… Who’s-“ I turned around, a wide smile on my face. “no.i! They’re here!” I said, waving the card in front of his face. “I don’t think I ever told you guys, but- actually, here!” I showed them all the card, each looking a bit shocked. “Wait… Isn’t that the name of the virus or whatever in the group chat…?” Zexion asked, his eyes narrowed.

“But they’re not! They’re a real person!” I looked back at the gaggle of teenagers for some kind of clue as to who it was… And something stood out to me. There was one person in the back… They had their hood up and seemed to be hiding. …That person… I just knew it. I could just tell… Out of everyone here… That was no.i.

The group eventually decided that the card I had picked was serious enough to be considered. It was mostly a mystery, but that kind of lack of clarity was exactly why this person should be considered… We were a group of oddballs, misfits, odd one outs… And I loved them. Eventually, those who’s cards were chosen got to stay, the rest left. My eyes were glued to the person in the back.

Xemnas told them he would take them to Oblivion if they didn’t have rides, but if they did all the better. The meeting wouldn’t be long. They would just have to answer some “preliminary” questions. Lucky me, I got to pick my own.

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Kingdom Hearts・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

The questions were exactly the same as the ones I had answered, only without Vexen’s and mine was included. I was last, due to being the newest member. I had given a lot of thought to my question… I’m sure it wouldn’t be as poetic as the others nor as confusing, but… It warranted thought. There was no right or wrong answer.

“…Do you feel you have the right to exist as you are?” The pair who’s faces I could see looked surprised… The person with the hood, who I’m sure was no.i, didn’t seem to react. The pair both answered in polar opposites of “Yes and no”, but it resulted in a fight between them and a morale debate.

Xemnas calmed them down and then asked for the third person’s reply. “…I don’t. I deserve to be better than what I’ve been letting myself be used for. …I… Learned that from a friend.” They then took their hood down and looked directly at me. They had short black hair and looked a bit sickly… But they were female in terms of biological gender. …I knew it. This person was… “…So… Can I finally have a name?” I said with a laugh.

“…Xion.”


	46. Parting Words [Author's Note]

My favorite thing about Misinterpretation is probably Roxas' preservation for himself and his brother no matter the cost; He has quite literally laid down his life for his brother on numerous instances and given up and on so many things in a way that is like a personal Shakespearian tragedy to him. He had given up on himself and anyone loving him yet alone keeping them in order to keep the person that matter most to him safe. I also love when Roxas gets angry; He's so rash and does whatever he feels is necessary to protect himself when he feels the situation requires it. He has the type of “I will lay down and die for my cause” type of mentality, but when it comes down to it, his self-preservation is a lot more than he gives himself credit for. [I also posted the last chapter, which was 13 pages, at 13:13 on the 13th. I am so proud of myself for that. And the next chapter within the minute- which if you've played 358 makes sense~]

The thing I couldn’t stand about Mis is that I had so many of these little ideas I never got to actually use because of how the story progressed. There were so many chapters I never got to write or details I never got to add. (For example, I never got to mention that Roxas wanted to do some kind of counseling as well as composing after meeting Ven. Also the brats were supposed to get a dog as well as Roxas going to live with Cloud too, but that never happened.)  
 I also couldn’t stand how Sora didn’t do what I wanted, but it moved the story along in a nice manner. [For example, the little shit wasn’t supposed to trash the house or say he hated his brother yet alone feel that way, but shit happens.] I also can’t stand how it took me this long to get this fist sect of the Mis series out, but I’m damn proud of it.

This is my story about anxiety and getting through it. This is my story about dealing with perfection and not being able to live up to it. This is my story about having a shitty memory and how that hurts you. This is my story about allowing you to love yourself. This is my story about it being okay to put yourself first and that it’s okay to hate those whom you’re supposed to love. This is my story that is a reminder that your family doesn’t have to be related to you by blood, they just have to love you. This is my story and I hope you enjoyed it.

I would like to give a big thank you to some particular people:  
Darkly-Lightened  
Izumi-kun  
ToxicSeoul  
Hakanaki  
StrangeSisters  
blood as soft as silk  
Manami Nightray

You guys are gold, thanks for sticking with this fic till the end and having some good talks with me! I actually plan to rewrite Mis eventually so it’s an original and attempt to get it published. If that happens to be a thing, you guys will be the first ones I message about that!  
Love you much dollies, even if your name wasn’t on that list!


End file.
